So last night we had a fight. Again, not a surprise, but what really got me was how she was so obviously in the wrong that my rational argument for telling her how she made me feel was tossed aside in favor of some victim-complex where she was the one being oppressed and denigrated.
Makes no fucking sense.
What happened was two days ago she invited me over for dinner on Thursday. Awesome. I love going over there and hanging out with her daughter.
She then asks me what I wanted to eat.
So I told her. Anything with tomatoes and lots of garlic and/or spinach. Sounds like I would be having my request granted, right? I mean, why else would she be asking me what I wanted to eat?
Wrong.
After texting her that, she replies with a single word.
"boring"
That's it. Nothing further to add. No explanation as to why my suggestion was "boring" which wasn't even really a suggestion of any particular recipe or dish. Just ingrediants. Two, actually, with a possible third.
"boring" she says. Effectively ending the conversation because I didn't feel like responding to a trash comment like that.
With that one word, she basically communicated that I wasn't going to be getting what I asked for; that she thinks my suggestion is uninspired and uninteresting; and that my preferences don't matter to her.
After I had gotten us the loft and given her those gifts. After I have done all these nice things for her, this is the sort of appreciation I get.
"boring"
Nothing else.
So I ignored that text. Thought maybe she would say something more afterwards, but she didn't. I think this was the first time in a long while where we both went to bed without saying good night to one another. Apparently I was supposed to say something back to that text of hers. Or at least that is what she was expecting.
Fuck, man. This garbage... constantly keeps happening. Last week we fought about her not providing enough details in her messages. Not putting enough thought into them; and here it is again, more of the same after she promised to try and rectify my concerns.
"boring"
She could have suggested alternatives if my two (3) ingrediants were too boring for her. She could have used a different phrase, such as, "I would prefer we make something else. How about...?" but she didn't do any of these things. Just a one-word text and no fucks given about how she made me feel.
Then the next day, after ignoring her, she messages me asking if I really was seriously about having something with tomatoes and garlic in it. I said I didn't care, and was fine with whatever she was making. Told her I didn't appreciate being disrespected and marginalized.
And that's when all hell broke loose.
Man... I don't enjoy typing any of this. I feel like this is an archival thing where I have to write down these events so I can learn from them. But what am I learning? What could I have done differently in response to her text? Should I have said, "why do you think its boring?" rather than take offense?
I think I should have taken offense. That was a disrespectful and thoughtless comment. Why wouldn't I be taking offense if I felt offended by it? Why shouldn't I stand up and voice my complaint about it?
So once I told her my thoughts about the way she made me feel; she starts spazzing. Turns herself into the victim. Started using words like "always" and "never" which I know is the kiss of death to relationships. Complained about how I didn't support her, which was wrong. Complained that I always suggest pizza or pasta. Which is also wrong. Said that tomatoes and garlic and/or spinach is boring because we seem to have so much of it. When I asked her for examples as to the last time we had anything with tomatoes and garlic in it; she fails to provide them. Another lie.
The day before this, I was on the phone with her listening to her talk about this psychadelic therapy course she wants to take in BC next year. Supported her there. Said it was a good idea. But then she tells me the next day that I don't support her.
Fuck. She invents lies and invites drama all the time where it doesn't need to be.
And I ask myself, what is this person good for? She is not sympathetic. She is not considerate. She is not appreciative. She is mentally unbalanced, with her moods swinging like a pendulum. She makes promises she doesn't keep. She has no integrity. She is now more "masculine" than she was when I met her. She...
She doesn't uplift me. I do all these things for her. Put all this thought and patience and try to make her feel good and to keep things interesting in the relationship, and she is content to mainly sit back and enjoy being spoiled.
No fucks given.
I don't want to say that I am demanding things from her. That if I do X, she has to give me Y in exchange. That's not what I want. But when I notice that I am doing X, and X, and more Xs when I've yet to see a Y in a certain amount of time; that is when I begin questioning things.
What does she do to make my life better?
The answer is: very little that I can think of.
She doesn't have a sense of humor, really. And what she considers to be "funny" is sarcastic and mean-spirited jokes, like this video she sent me of a pregnant barbie being punched in the gut while the doll characters are all insulting one another, dropping f-bombs like it was nothing.
There's so much negativity in her. It's this buried thing, where she doesn't want to express it, but unconciously does so. She'll impulsively be negative without realizing it by saying stuff like "boring" to me.
That woman... that girl, I should say, because she is not the least bit mature; has no inkling of self-awareness. Very little of it anyways. Because it seems like I have to constantly explain things to her. When I am having to write a long message describing how her one-word text made me feel; then I know that she has little capacity to figure these things out on her own.
Or maybe I am just that unimportant to her. It seems that way. Relationships aren't a priority for her, given what I remember from what she put on her vision board where it was covered in pictures and mottos that all have to do with getting money and becoming rich.
The one thing I like the least about Fola, is her lack of humility. Her lack of gratitude, also. You would think that if your partner is actively trying to make you happy and to keep things interesting and to be congenial and respectful and supportive; that you would reciprocate in turn. You wouldn't be asking them what they wanted for dinner and then tell them that their suggestion is "boring".
You don't put down your partner like that. Not when you know that they love you.
Like she often would tell me, "I know that you love me" with this bit of a smirk on her face like she discovered some strange new revelation. Or has me "trapped" or under her thumb or whatever it is that she's feeling with that accusatory/vanglorious look on her face as she tells me that.
All I can think whenever I hear her say that she knows that I love her, is that I wish I could say the same about her. I wish I knew that she loved me as I love her.
Wish I could feel the same amount of certainty in this relationship like she does.
And that brings me to my last post.
"He who cares the least, controls the relationship"
I don't want to play that game. Why should I do that with the person I love?
And I realize that it comes down to respect. If she does not respect me, she will care less and less. When she does respect me, she will care more and more.
And I am not respected right now. That's a fact. I see it in her words, her actions and her thoughts.
I see it in all the ways that I've complained about on this blog.
So what is the solution?
Always be myself. Always stand up for what I believe in no matter how much in opposition she is towards the things that I value most.
And this is such a hard thing for me to do sometimes. I believe in compromises where compromises must be made. She does not. I believe in putting "effort" into making a relationship harmonious, fun and uplifting. She does not try for those things either.
Or she isn't trying enough. Another thing I don't like having to do. Judging her. I don't want this to be something that I have to monitor and to keep on the proper course. I don't want my mind filled with junk like this. I don't need drama and distractions to keep me from feeling happy and loved and working towards my higher purpose in life.
I don't need this.
And yet...
Sighs.
It makes me wonder how badly do... No. My blog is a testament to how badly I want a loving relationship. All those years of heartache and suffering and sadness.
Yeah. I really do want a loving relationship.
And I don't want to have to control or force a certain type of outcome, but it seems like I am.
...
I'm too... attached. I need to let go.
I need to be me.
Even if that means being alone.
And...
Sighs...
I don't want to be alone.
I want someone to spoon with. To laugh with. To have meaningful discussions with.
I want someone that can help me grow. Someone who challenges me intellectually. Someone I can learn from.
And... Oddly enough, I think Fola is helping me grow. She is challenging me. She is teaching me things. But not in any conventional way.
She's teaching me by showing me my mirror.
Whether she realizes it or not.
I am seeing all the things that I do not like, and I have to... somehow make peace with them. To tell myself that no one is perfect, and that love can triumph over each of our imperfections and shortcomings.
I really want to believe that.
She has changed from when I met her. She is still changing.
As I am changing too.
In a few days from now, we'll be at the one-year mark. Our first year anniversary.
One year.
Went by so fast.
Well... nothing much else for me to say here my blog. Thank you for listening as always. Appreciate being able to let my thoughts out rather than keep them bottled inside.
Thanks.
I'm not sure what today will bring.
...
But I will be facing it regardless. With my head held as high as I can get it to be.
And God by my side.
No matter how shitty things may get.
I know I am....
Divinity itself.
And everything will work out in the end.
And everything will have been worth it.
Long as I keep my faith.
And move forward.
Wish me luck.
