Hey blog. Long time no see.
Lots have happened since the last post. As of now, I am at an AirBnB in downtown Edmonton with Fola still snoozing away in the nice king-sized bed they have here. It's a single story loft in a building that is 105 years old. All brick. Walls have interesting pictures/paintings/posters on them. Has a pool table, a clawfoot bathtub, large shower.
It's pretty cool. I could see myself living here. Easily.
We did shrooms last night. I was surprised at how I didn't feel anything. Fola was nervous up until we were doing them and for a little while after. She later said she saw stuff, but I didn't see anything.
Her words to me were, "you don't feel anything? interesting."
Interesting, indeed.
I've never done mushrooms before. Didn't know what to expect. But prior to taking them (we boiled it in tea), I said a little prayer asking the mushroom God (heh) to impart its wisdom upon the two of us. To give one another that what we most needed to be given and shown.
Hm. I didn't see anything. No hallucinations. No pink unicorns or hippos or swirling colors; and I was more gung-ho about consumption than Fola was. She took forever to get that first cup of tea down. Took forever with the second cup as well.
I later started eating mushrooms out of the tea pot. Still, nothing. And Fola apparently was in her own world.
This morning, as of right now after having my cigarette outside; I had some interesting thoughts come in,
The title of this post is one of them. Why did I choose this particular title?
Because it describes our relationship, and it's a nice play on Game of Thrones.
I realized that I have been giving my power away to that woman. Fola wasn't overly impressed or excited to be here in this loft. Didn't seem very.. enthusiastic, really. Spent 500 bucks on this thing and she hasn't thought about how much this has costed me or expressed meaningful appreciation for my having done this.
Mm. Yeah, so. I have been giving my power away to that woman. I am understanding that "he who cares the least, controls the relationship" and I am not in control at all, really.
Last night she started crying for a bit. When I asked her why, she said she was afraid of hurting me. Down the road. It didn't make any sense, but she was on mushrooms, so..
But I am understanding it. I can see her hurting me. Her concern was that at some point in the future she will hurt me, and that is why she was crying. I didn't understand how this came out of the blue the way it did, but I wasn't all that surprised at her acknowledging the possibility.
I told her that if she was truly concerned about something like that happening, then she should work to prevent the outcome. I'm pretty sure she won't be giving it much thought anyways. She nodded and agreed, and then.. well. Became cold and distant again.
As I slept next to her tonight, I couldn't help but notice the distance between us. This is nothing new. Sleeping together has her doing her own thing, where she doesn't want to cuddle or touch. And when I pull away from her, that is when she suddenly wants to.
Pretty tired of this attitude she's carrying. The only times I feel intimate and close with her, is when I pull away.
When I stop caring.
She hasn't even opened the Christmas gifts I'd gotten her. They're sitting in a bag on the floor here. No excitement to even bother with them, it seems. Typical of her.
The gift she'd gotten me? A "life path activation" by some psychic/Reiki/New-Age person that lasted about an hour and has this chick walking around me in circles and doing stuff with her hands.
I honestly didn't feel much from that. I think it was a waste of money, but time will tell.
My mom thought it was a waste of money also.
And I wonder if Fola will even be able to go to Cuba with me as we planned for next month. She has no money saved up for it. Instead, she's relying on some visualization about getting $5,000 of unexpected income which Aaron Dougherty of YouTube has told her about.
I think its sad really. This whole relationship is... setting itself up for failure.
She does not seem to realize the importance of being rational. Of opening up more. We had a fight about her not providing enough details to me in her texts and in person, and she then promises to ry and do better. Hours later, she sends me a picture of dough in a bowl and does not say anything about what it is. Again, no details provided and I'm tired of having to ask for them.
That's something that annoys me. She'll send me an article about how to "unblock sexual energy" but neglects to tell me why its being sent to me. And then ignores my question when I ask her why she thinks it is blocked, and who is blocked, etc.
Frustrating as fuck.
He who cares the least, controls the relationship.
And I am caring far too much.
...
Going for a smoke. I don't know what else to say here. Got laid off a few days ago. Unexpectedly. Haven't told Fola about this yet. I was saving it for the right moment thinking that she would be happy to hear it, but I doubt she will be. Just going to shrug it off like she shrugged off this AirBnB, my gifts and my company.
Sighs.
Ugly. I am learning the value of being independent and reclaiming my power. This is like a game of poker, also, I feel. I am... bluffing, in a way... Hard to explain. It's all a game, that I know.
And it... seems like its playing out like it should.
Hmm.
Smoke time. Then a late lunch with my mom and stepdad. She hasn't met my stepdad yet.
Life goes on.
Love seems,,,,
Lost.
And yet so near all at once.
Need to stay true to myself.
No matter what she does and says.
It's the only way to be.
