Crocodile Tears

(sighs)

What a life. What a time to be alive.

Yesterday, Fola and I met up for the first time in a couple of weeks.

We're... so wrong and so right for each other.

I'm smoking right now, staring at this screen, feeling..

Kind of sad. Kind of numb. Kind of.. something else.. anger, maybe. Longing, definitely.

My fingers are having a hard time writing my thoughts. I don't know what I should be saying. I don't feel particularly eloquent right now.

Heh.. A thought just popped in. "I love her" is what it said.

Yeah, I love her.

We went to test drive a Landrover and it was an okay experience. My favorite part of the trip was feeling Fola's fingers run over my hand as I touched her shoulder while she was in the passenger seat talking with the salesman.

Such a good feeling.

(sighs)

I am.. I was going to say that I am an idiot, but...

I know I'm .. (sighs)

Maybe I am an idiot.

Fola and I had an intense relationship. Fola has some serious things that are wrong with her that I haven't seen in anyone else I've dated before. I don't think.

I see this lack of warmth in her, this inability to really let go and trust me with her intimate thoughts and feelings. I see this.. void within her. This.. hole that needs to be filled. I see some kind of..

(sighs) ..

My fingers aren't cooperating. I am trying to write as honestly and truthfully to my feelings as possible. To get my thoughts down exactly as they arrive inside my head and.. there is this hesitation someplace. Or this.. weariness, maybe, that is making this difficult.

I love that woman.

When she pulled up at the dealership while I was waiting for her.. that hug we exchanged. That kiss.

That kiss was so..

Perfect.

I overanalyze things. I fixate on stuff that people don't really pay attention towards. I really enjoy the.. background processes. The smells. The sensations. The touching. Hearing the tone of a voice.

Feeling.. Feeling present. And alive. And.. wrapped up snugly in this.. blanket of two souls.

I didn't feel like I would miss her until I saw her again. Until I touched her hand again.

Everytime I get mad at Fola. Every time she upsets me or takes me for granted, all it takes is.. a smile. A touch. A kiss. And I seem to forget everything.

I am such a sucker. I need ... I can't just let bad things slide, because if I do, then bad things will continue to happen.

I was taken for granted and betrayed enough times by her. I should know by this point that she can't be trusted. I should know that she..

Fuck, man.

Anyways.. Despite how well it went yesterday morning, we.. hit a wall later on in the day when she sent me a journal entry of her Access Bar/Reiki experience at Sundra Healing. One of the things that she mentioned was how Boyd, the practicioner, told her about how she "sucked out all his energy" at the end of the session, and I commented on that. I said, "so he called you an energy vampire" and..

Well, that was all it took for us to start arguing again.

Such a small thing I thought. Such a throwaway comment I made, and she got.. well, she didn't get upset right away, but the texting was spiraling once I said that. She then.. Well.. somehow it became escalated, and she became upset.

I was.. just..

Being me.

I didn't mean to insult or hurt her feelings. But.. I couldn't quite apologize either for what I said. I said what I felt was truthful. And.. I am not convinced that Fola isn't an energy vampire, because when I Googled "energy vampire", I got this:

Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective. They often lack empathy.Nov 14, 2013

And I was like.. That's her. That actually is Fola.

I have to face the facts. She does have trouble seeing things from my perspective. Even when I go into such a ridiculous amount of detail about what my thoughts and feelings are. Laying myself completely bare before her. She still doesn't "get it" and ..

Man.. I don't know.

She is emotionally immature. When we met, she was proud about labelling herself as "non-monogamous" and a "relationship anarchist" but then... She was monogamous while with me. She did change her views.

I think. But, I don't know for sure. She hasn't told me anything about what her current position is on the subject. She doesn't share herself as deeply towards me as I do. She doesn't seem to really know what her opinions are, and that is what makes the relationship so frustrating.

How.. can I be with someone who doesn't know what she wants or what she believes in?

Seriously. At first, she wanted love and romance. She got that. Great sex. She got that too. Emotional support, excitement, passion, compassion.

She was given all those things by me, and... Somehow it stopped being appreciated. It wasn't enough.

And I didn't like how she.. dismissed my efforts. I still remember us taking a bath together and she wanted to leave after a short time, then wanted a massage, then engaged in lukewarm sex that she didn't want to have in the first place.

And didn't express any gratitude for what I doing.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know what I should be fixing about myself.

I only know that I can't trust someone who says she is willing to work things out and then wants a break up the next day. The NEXT DAY.

It is such a disconnect from reality. From principles that should be honored. There is no integrity within that woman.

But, fuck.

As bad as .. No. As.. Immature and...

I can't seem to think right now.

Today we somehow got into another argument and that was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to really express the things that were bothering me and she dismissed it all. She didn't...

She didn't really.. want this relationship to work.

I keep wondering if I'm asking for too much. I realized today that I'm.. I made myself vulnerable, and my vulnerability is not attractive in the least.

Now I know to be more careful about it. I need to shelter it because..

Nobody is as sensitive as I am. She couldn't relate to me. She wouldn't give me any assurances. There was no interest in her to try and work through our issues.

I spent the last two hours in bed listening to this heart chakra video playing at 528hz. For some reason, this frequency is associated with DNA repair and healing.

I'm not completely convinced it is, but it was a good experience nonetheless. It felt peaceful to lay in bed, as still as possible, with my hands over my heart and my thoughts loose and quiet.

That was the most interesting part of it all to me. My thoughts were quiet. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't thinking much about anything. Just being. Just existing.

Healing myself, I suppose. Instinctively.

Paying attention to my thoughts, I can still feel her entering them. Popping up and making me feel regretful. I feel this.. disappointment run through me. This wondering of how our future could be like, if only she did X and didn't do Y.

I know I can't control or coerce anyone to change, but I seem.. I don't seem to be able to believe that.

I feel that..

I'm understanding now what my role in this soulmate relationship was. My job was to show Fola what a loving relationship looks like. What sex looks like within a loving relationship. What a loving person is supposed to resemble.

And I succeeded with that. I showed her the best of myself.

Now, she probably has a different opinion on things. She now knows what the potential is for a loving relationship and what it involves.

And that's a good thing. Even if we can't seem to get along with each other without resorting to personal attacks and hurt feelings.

Fola now knows what love looks like, I suppose. I did love her. I really did.

I still do.

And.. Though she doesn't..

Man.. It doesn't matter.

I've given it my best. And at the end, I dumped my deepest thoughts onto her. She then suggested I go see a counselor.

I felt.. like she dismissed my concerns when she said that. I felt like she turned it into a "it's not me, it's you" situation where she doesn't have to admit responsibility. Although she has.

But.. she..

She doesn't...

Feel like it was her fault. That's the hurtful part. Yes, it was her fault for us arriving at this point. It was her that got angry with me for no reason three times in one week. It was her fault for wanting to sit by Ryan instead of with me and making me feel unloved and rejected. It was her fault for doing the same thing with that guy on the plane whom she sat by, rather than with me. It was her fault for making eyes at the guy in the tiger shirt or Ryan, and forgetting that I was right there, feeling like I didn't matter to her.

It was her fault she turned down sex and then..

Fuck, man. I'm not going through the list.

I know it was her fault for the way everything ended up as. All I've done wrong, was that I dropped my guard and had high expectations. I really thought we were going to be building a life together. But she wasn't interested in doing so. At least that is how it appeared to me.

My soulmate wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me, and I was, and I.. got too invested in this. I fucked up by taking it too seriously. Asking for too much when I really should have stuck to my guns and held true to my principles. I should have not..

(sighs)

I still don't really know what I've done wrong. I don't.. think I..

Maybe..

No. I did nothing wrong. I was being myself, and she loved who I am when we first met.

Until she stopped loving it. And began creating drama.

It didn't matter how many times I forgave her for it. It didn't matter how hard I was trying.

Didn't matter how good our connection was.

She still kept creating drama. She still kept taking me and our relationship for granted.

I sound like a broken record repeating things like "you've taken me for granted" over and over to her without anything coming out of it.

But that is exactly what happened. She took me for granted. She took us for granted. She didn't invest as much of herself into us. She didn't fully trust our connection or my intentions.

I gave her all the assurances in the world, and she gave me very little in return.

I don't care about gifts. I just want to see action. I want to see her intentions being made known. But she didn't know what her intentions were. She just wanted to be given something beautiful.

And not give anything beautiful in return.

So.

I've done nothing wrong.

I've given her my everything.

And now, here I am.

My blog... *hugs* I really am thankful for you being here to listen to me. As pathetic as it sounds, you've helped me by listening to my words without judgement. You've given me a shoulder to cry upon. You've always been here, waiting for my thoughts. For my words to be impressed upon you.

I am so fucking lonely that I am treating my blog like it is a friend.

(sighs)

But it is.

And I already know that "friend" is me.

My blog is me.

And I love who I am.

No matter what.

And... I am going to keep loving who I am.

Until I find someone that loves me too.

Well, life.

Let's see what you'll be throwing at me next.

The Dark and Warm Side

Fola texted me yesterday saying that she missed me. She loves me, and that she wanted to come to my house.

After ignoring her messages the past few days, I couldn't take it anymore. I..

I can't stand it.

How can I believe someone who tells me that she loves me, and doesn't act that way? How can I trust someone that says she wants to work things out, but breaks up the next day? How can I take someone seriously who said she wanted a master/slave relationship, but then tells me it's wrong and not the way it has to be?

I can't... I don't have faith in this woman anymore.

All words. All talk. Never one to put her words into action and to prove her truthfulness.

Just another hypocrite.

Just another confused soul who doesn't appreciate good things when she has them.

So.. I had to write back to her, and I wrote this long angry text about how "unless you come over with blueberry scones and wearing lingerie; I'm not interested" .. I wrote this long thing about how...

It doesn't matter. I deleted it. I just asked her a question:

"What did you learn from this relationship and did you bring your best to it?"

She skipped over answering what she learned, and said "I brought the best of what I knew at the time."

Whatever that meant. I suppose that means no, she did not bring her best. And it was a rhetorical question anyways. She knows she...

Took me for granted. And hurt me. And lied to me.

So.. I didn't.. really know what to text her with after I deleted my long rant. I just had to get that out of my system, and decided instead to send her a link that described what a soulmate's job is supposed to be in a relationship. She didn't bother commenting on it. Especially the part where it said that a soulmate isn't supposed to "sit back" and "enjoy the love and romance"; and that it would be "hard work". Instead, she sent me another link about why soulmates break up, or something like that. Completely ignoring her complicity in how the relationship ended and asking me if I thought I've done "my job"instead of admitting that she hasn't done hers.

That is why I felt I had to ask her what she learned. But she didn't answer that. Too hard of a question I suppose, and I bet the answer is that she didn't learn anything.

In looking at her texts, I had this sense.. this.. well, it wasn't a feeling. I knew she didn't learn anything from our time together. Reading between the lines, I could tell that she wasn't willing to accept and overcome her faults. It seems she would rather pretend that the break up magically happened, rather than admit that she brought us to that point. And that she gave up.

It's a common theme with us. She is unwilling to look at the consequences of her own behavior, and would rather make it out into this inexplicable, mysterious thing that she doesn't have to take responsibility for.

I... I don't know why.. but.. I felt like I had to give her an olive branch somehow. I knew she had a hard time knowing how to love someone. She admitted that she didn't express affection very well. And since she expressed interest in a master/slave relationship; I thought I would mention it to be a good idea to pursue. If we should get back together.

The reason I thought that, was because not only did she previously ask for it; but I figured that if she was willing to listen to me, I could help move her along the right path.

What is the right path, though? Well.. I can't really say for sure. I just know that she needed discipline. She needed order. Structure. Leadership. If she was willing to be in a master/slave relationship, then I would be willing to make it work.

But.. I don't want that shit. I never did like the idea of a completely subservient woman.

And yet.. I made this offer, and she wrote back telling me it was the wrong way to be, and that it is not what love is like.

(sighs) hypocrisy. Always. Every. Single. Relationship.

Women are fucking crazy. They seriously are. There.. there is no..

Their moods change on a whim. Their opinions change. Their values change. Their words are meaningless.

Fola was texting me about how she was afraid that I wouldn't feel faith enough to love again. She was "concerned" about my hardening my heart after all that she's put me through.

Something clicked in my mind. I wanted to react with anger for all that she's done, but...

Instead I did the opposite. I hid my vulnerability from her. She was not welcome to look inside the depths of my soul, just so she can hurt and disappoint me again.

I realized that I... brushed her off. I didn't take her texts seriously, and I wasn't taking her feelings seriously. I wasn't willing to open up with her. I didn't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable with someone who pretended to love me and acted in ways that didn't look like love. Who kept taking me for granted. Who refused to reciprocate. Who started fights, and said contradictory things. Who didn't know who she was, what she wanted and what she would be willing to do in order to realize whatever it was she wanted. From me, herself and from life.

A confused, troubled soul being blown around by the forces of the universe. A boat without a captain at the helm that was heading towards God knows where.

So.. Once I sent my final text to her, where I said that I would leave everything in her hands; something happened.

I felt this spark of a warm glow begin to make itself known in my chest.

At this moment, I was by the river at the park. Inside of my car where the boat launch area was. I then saw a police car pull up besides me.

"Hi, David?" the officer asked. Rolling down his window.

"Yes?" I said.

"I see you're parked in an area where there are boat launches."

I interrupted him by saying that I was aware, and that I would be moving my vehicle if and when someone should suddenly bring a boat along. There was no one in sight. And technically I wasn't violating any laws.

The officer agreed, nodded his head and kept talking.

This is where it got strange.

As I was looking at him, something... happened.

His voice began to fade out. To complete silence. I felt this mix of surprise and curiosity as I felt all sound being sucked out of the air while watching his mouth move to words that I couldn't hear.

That spark of a warm glow within me became more pronounced. More warm, and as I am looking at his mouth moving; I felt my eyes.. change. It felt... not like they went out of focus, but.. something along those lines. They sharpened, and expanded at once.

During all this, the officer began to look sheepish and embarrassed. His voice returned and I could hear him again talking about the boat launch. Basically talking in a loop. He agreed I had a right to be there, but for some reason felt the urge to continue talking in circles.

And oddly enough, this strange sensation I was feeling.. Made it feel like I've entered another reality. Like, I've transported myself to a different version of earth. Another universe.

I can't explain why that is, but that is what my intuition seized upon as an explanation for what just happened. That fade out of sound. The.. thing with my eyes.. and the officer talking in a loop.

Then that warm glow. It.. enveloped my chest. It.. made me want to rush home and meditate, for some reason. Just to close my eyes and feel it or be ready to receive something important.

Well.. I couldn't meditate. I had to leave for work soon, but I did go home and sat outside for a half hour putting my hands over my chest. That glow was undeniable. That fire feeling was definitely there, too. It felt like a heat was pouring out from me.

I had to close my eyes and try to think about why this happened, and I couldn't really come to any conclusions. It happened almost immediately after the last text I sent Fola. All I could think, was that I said the right things to her. That whatever it was I said, was exactly how it had to be.

That warm glow stayed with me for most of the night while I was at work. Because it was a slow night, I was able to find an isolated spot for me to sit down and observe what I was feeling.

I started feeling love. Like, this profound sense of love that reached out to the entire universe. That bathed everything around me. I began.. thanking God. Telling Him (or It) that I loved him, and that I appreciate his presence and all that He has done for me. I began thanking Fola, for the times we've had and the love that I still feel for her. I... had.. some kind of experience, and I don't know why or what the reason was for it.

The rest of the night.. my co-workers.. I could see their souls shine. Not actually seeing it, but.. there was a.. light I could pick up on. In their eyes. In their mannerisms when they interacted with me. They held eye contact. They smiled with warmth. They..

Loved me. Loved talking to me. Treated me with respect.

(sighs)

I ended up texting Fola later on asking if she could go get an intuitive card reading. I don't.. know if these feelings meant that it was good I wasn't interested in pursuing our relationship; or if it meant something else. Maybe it meant...that I had to keep an open heart going. Maybe it suggested that I shouldn't close it off and not believe the texts Fola was sending. Maybe it meant that I should...

Believe in love, I guess.

I don't know man.

I don't doubt my capacity to love someone, but... I.. I have a hard time believing that someone can love me as much as I can love them. Or even a little less. Or more... Just.. somewhere around that level.

I don't think I'm asking for very much. I've given it my best with Fola. I've tried my hardest. I love her, but I can't.. respect her.. Or...

(sighs)

I want to believe her. But I can't. I still can't trust that she will put my self-interests above her own. I still haven't been paid for what she owes me on the trip. I still haven't received the photos she took on her phone of Grace and Anjelina. I.. am still dealing with a thoughtless person who is only looking out for herself.

And... I got to thinking.. I need guidance. I need some indication of what to do and where I should be putting my priorities. I want to love. I want love. But.. my best wasn't good enough. My.. efforts were wasted, it seems.

And.. I know deep inside that my fire still burns. I still am the same person I always was. Before, after and during my time with Fola. Even when I feel down, and sad. I still have that inner-radiance within me. I still can be the man I most want to be.

I already am that man. I know that. Even though it means I will have to... learn how I can bring him back out again. I need to trust myself, and not trust other people.. But.. what am I saying? I need to trust other people, too. Especially those that I am in a romantic relationship with.

But, I couldn't trust her. Her moods change. Every day has her thinking and feeling something altogether different. She does not follow any kind of predictable guideline as far as values go. I don't know what she operates by, and I don't think she does either.

I've.. I've got to reclaim myself. I need to.. believe in who I am and what I deserve and not.. let other people compromise who I want to be. I need people that will elevate me. Not put me down. Not make false promises and tell me only what I want to hear. People who do not go the extra distance to make me feel important and appreciated in their lives.

... I need to believe that those people are out there. My mother is one, but.. she's old. She's of a different old-fashioned generation. She is not in the age group of women who is within eligibility for dating. She doesn't represent the type of women that are out there right now. Within 29-40 years of age.

I know my mom would go the extra distance for me. I know she would do anything I'd ask of her. I know she loves me without having to hear her say it. I know I don't have to demand anything from her.

If only I could find someone like her.

But...

I kind of did.

And I wasted that chance.

And..

I must never do that again.

I have to believe.

I do believe.

But...

I need to first begin believing in myself.

And then...

Everything will be okay.

I'm going for an intuitive card reading this week. I don't like putting so much weight onto these things, but I know they have been accurate in the past. Out of over a hundred cards, I managed to pick Rose Quartz with Trina as I predicted I would. That means something. That means there... is something at work in the background of reality. Something is being manipulated remotely. Probably by my higher self, who is working to help my evolution. I believe in this sort of thing. I already believe in a soulmate, which means I have to believe in reincarnation. And if reincarnation is real, then karma is real, too. If the purpose of our existence is to balance out the harm we cause to others; then there is a greater purpose for each of us. And if there is a greater purpose for each of us that survives death; then that can only mean we are intended to evolve towards something. A heightened understanding of something. Perhaps our Creator. Maybe God. I believe that we are intended to evolve towards a level that our higher selves are presently on. I believe this is all a cycle, I believe that my actions in this life are going to determine the quality of my next one. I believe I have to become my higher self. I have to try, at least.

It is only when we stop trying can we admit to having failed.

There are signs that are pointing me in the right direction, but it is up to me to correctly interpret them. And I have to take action, not simply observe and be delighted.

Action counts for everything.

Every day is an opportunity to realize the God within me.

Every person I meet, is a communion with God. For the Creator is inside of each and every one of us.

I think.. I need to...trust my vulnerabilities. To feel secure in them. To know that I can bounce back, and that my vulnerabilities are the parts of myself that I most admire. And that most people admire.

I am a human being with flaws and dreams.

Just like everyone else.

I think I'm going to send Fola this post. I really... don't have anything to be afraid of. I feel protected, loved, and I know that... She would probably want to read this. She will probably think less of me, but I at least will feel.. secure in expressing my deepest thoughts. Even if she will not do the same, and might use them against me.

Let her do just that.

I.. don't know if I want to be back with her. I.. need to be convinced. So.. I don't..

Know.

Which is why I need that card reading.

And...

Yeah.

Life doesn't stop for anyone.

Got to keep moving.

It Is Finished - pt.2

Maybe I disrespected her and asked for too much.

I think that is what happened.

But...

I know she made it that way.

She was sabotaging our relationship from the beginning.

(sighs)

I hate thinking about this shit.

It Is Finished.

As of yesterday, Fola and I are officially done.

It came as I predicted, weeks ago, that she would have to break up with me and that I wouldn't be doing it.

I stuck it out to the bitter end. And it was bitter, alright. She wouldn't listen to a word I said. She said she was willing to work things out the day before, but changed her mind. 

That girl isn't willing to work for anything.

When I think about her lack of empathy and self-awareness; I'm reminded of how it felt to be touched by her. Cold. She felt cold and.. well, I would think that empathic people are warm. They are emotionally nurturing. There is a kind of "feeling" they put out, or vibe or emotion, or whatever it is when they touch or talk to someone.

She doesn't have empathy. When she touches me, I sometimes feel like recoiling.

I re-activated my OkCupid account today while sitting in the bath. I had this urge to do so, as a thought popped in my mind that I can't really rationalize. I thought it would be too soon, but evidentally not, as I re-installed the app and..

Well.. A while ago, Trina the flea market psychic said that I would meet a blond woman who is headstrong, may be my "boss" and that there was a male figure in her family that I would need to win the respect of. Apparently this person has a dominant personality.

Firing up the OkCupid app for the first time since January, had a blond woman pop up on my screen. She's 30 years old. Pretty. And had an 83% match percentage with me. I had to send her a message.

Because, I still believe. As naive as I can get. As hopeful and hopeless as I become; I still believe good things will come to me. If that makes any sense.

I attracted Fola, somehow. That was important for ways that I can't quite understand at the moment. I suppose she was a tester. Yes, I still think.. she is my soulmate, but.. 

But...

Damn, man.

Why does it have to be like this?

Why do I meet women like her? Married, unable to commit. Not empathic. Not very sensitive. Certainly not caring, considerate or even nice. Although I bet she thinks she is.

Not intelligent. Not compassionate. Not interesting.

But.. there was something I really liked about her. Something.. familiar and comforting.. or maybe not comforting, but..

Just that knowing. I know her. I've known her, and I shouldn't be surprised at how this turned out.

I saw it coming for a while now.

Well.. I am not having fun at work, but I suppose thats another challenge. I have to try and keep myself centered. Not lose sight of who I am and what I want and not to allow circumstances and other people to push me off the path that I am determined to keep myself on.

Onwards. Upwards. At the moment, this is a lull. A prelude. A silence before the next note plays.

I have to figure things out, somehow, for myself. I can't being doing this type of work forever. I need to know the next step. To do something that brings out the best in me and makes me happy.

To be with someone who desires to be happy, and is able to reciprocate my attempts at making them feel that way.

I know I've tried my best with Fola, and.. I'm sure I've demonstrated my worth. In the bedroom and outside of it.

But, it wasn't good enough for her to want to change. Or to believe that what we had was worth fighting for and cultivating.

I can't.. force anyone to love me. Like I have said many times already.

And.. 

Well.. 

I want to .. I'm struggling with how to write this blog post. I really don't know the best way to let me thoughts out, other than to simply type. Type type type, and hope that something useful manages to come out.

Some kind of epiphany. Or catharsis. Maybe more the later than the former.

I am not broken-hearted, much to my surprise. Fola said that she was sure our paths would cross in th future, and I responded with, "yes, because you still owe me money."

I just didn't give a shit about our paths crossing. She tried repeatedly to say that "we" needed to work on ourselves before we could be ready for a relationship. I dislike how she made it into a "we" and not a "her". Just another way of deflecting responsibility. Or diffusing it.

She was cruel. In many little ways. Sending me pictures of her breakfast that I couldn't eat...

I don't want to bother listing out all the ways she hurt me. Some of it is in my blog.

I sent her a blog post after we said our goodbyes, and she wrote back with an apology.

So, I guess she knows that she hurt me.

But...

Fuck, man.

I won't call our time together a "waste" but it feels like it was a waste investing myself into her like I did.

I gave my life up for a woman, like I told myself I wouldn't do.

It seems that I give too much. And when that happens, I get rejected, and the other person isn't as compelled or interested as much in staying in the relationship. The intrigue is gone. The mystique stripped.

All that is left is me. My heart and soul. And that appears not to be enticing enough to want to build towards a better future, from Fola's point of view.

I watched a Ralph Smart video last week where he said, "in order to have everything, you must first not need anything."

I don't know what to think about that. When I first met Fola, I certainly had low expectations and didn't really "need" anything. I think that is what made her attracted to me in the first place.

Until, I started needing things.

But.. Doesn't everyone "need" something? Don't we all need to be loved?

Don't we need air? Food? Water?

So, we do need things. Ralph Smart. I don't think you've articulated your point very well, but I do understand what you were getting at

He who hungers for nothing, has everything.

Hmm.

Sounds like something I should tweet about.

I... had a profound connection to the divine in the first few months with Fola. Prior to meeting her and during. I think she was most intrigued by that. But.. She wore me down. All these little wounds added up and started tearing away that connection I was harboring.

I started losing faith, while I was with her. Even though I did my best to keep it.

I know I've tried my best. Even when I had reasons to be angry and upset, I didn't allow those feelings to overwhelm me.

Well, most of the time, anyways.

I've made progress, I think, in the ways that I am behaving in a relationship. And I've.. been able to insulate myself quite well in that I am not nearly as wounded now as I would have been in the past, had I met Fola last year, for instance.

That's progress.

I don't know if its an indication of a hardened heart; but, I don't think it is. I think its more an indication of growth and understanding. Growing more resilient doesn't mean I am refusing to love anyone. It only means that I can endure bullshit a lot better. And that I would have the patience to look past it. But, maybe also, that is not a good thing and I should be vocalizing my concerns immediately rather than diffusing them, so as to prevent an argument.

I think.. my journey has.. been about staying true to myself no matter what gets thrown at me. I.. need to put my foot down more when that authenticity is compromised or disrespected as it has been with Fola.

No more "rationalizing" about my feelings to the point where I've laid myself completely naked and bare, but the other person will not respond with the same amount of honesty and introspection as I have shown them. Thoughtfulness, too. I can't be with someone who is thoughtless.

I can't be with Fola, the way she is now and I don't know what the odds are of her suddenly growing into the woman that I deserve to be with.

But, I can still believe that.. there is.. something in the universe that is guiding me towards a particular outcome and I am.. while I am unsure about what it is, I know that if it is a benevolent force, that in this life or the next, I will be treated fairly and with compassion. I will be given good things, no matter what, for keeping myself as.. hopeful as I can.. for trying as much as I did.

I have to believe there is a reward at the end of the rainbow I am seeking. 

No, I don't "have" to believe it.

I know there is one.

For some reason...

I feel watched over.

Protected.

Loved.

And...

... 

I hesitated because "pitied" was the word that popped up.

I don't want to be pitied.

Perhaps, I am a God of my own making. Maybe... Maybe I can create the life I choose, and obviously, I can. It is within my power. But... finding someone to love and be loved by, well, that feels.. different. That's not something you can buy at a store.

But, I believe it can be earned. And in order to earn it, I have to first make myself deserving of what I want. And then.. Well, everything will fall into place.

I met Fola for a reason. I had that relationship with her for a reason.

Although I am not completely sure what that reason is. Or what I should be learning from all this.

I have hunches. But nothing really leaps out at me.

Mm.

Stay true to myself no matter what.

Maybe that is what I was being tested for. To put into practice all the things that I have learned about women, relationships and myself over the years.

Can I weather the storm? I have no choice. Either I fall apart or I keep going.

I choose to keep going.

But.. I can't stand another relationship with a hypocrite. Someone who tells me that they love me and are willing to work things out; but leaves. Gives up.

I don't know what to do about that.

Or what I have been doing wrong. If anything.

But, maybe. I was just...

Too...

Giving.

And...

Paying attention to the relationship I have with my mom, I realize that being too giving is somewhat unattractive to someone that doesn't want to be given towards. At least, not at the level I am capable of doing.

Perhaps, I just need to find a lady that is willing to be given all of who I am. And who is willing to give me all of who she is.

I...

I am stumbling right now. But it won't last. I will find a way. I will be able to stand upright again.

Everyday is an opportunity to do so. Every hour and minute is.

Every moment I take in a breath, I can choose to either be in the moment and honor truth; or to live in the past and engage in a battle within myself.

I don't want to fight myself anymore.

I want to...

Be me.

No matter what.

And damn everyone and everything that stands in the way of that.

If there is a God, he will judge accordingly.

If there is such a thing as karma, then Fola will..

I don't know.

(sighs)

Babbling, now.

Have to get to work soon.

Doesn't feel like a productive blog post, but its better than nothing.

He who hungers for nothing, has everything.

Hmm.

Okay.

Cliffhanger Ending

Well, looks like Fola and I are done. I don't even know if this is for sure but when my last words to her are "get out of here" as I slam the door; then I think that's pretty much it.

I can't stand a liar, or a person unwilling to find courage enough to stand and fight for what they believe in.

I have been putting up with a lie for too long, believing that Fola might actually love me as she said she did.

And I was wrong to think that giving her my best, would be reason enough for her to try to give me hers. But she didn't give me her best, and...

I was used.

Strung along. Taken advantaged of.

And, last night as I repeated again my concern about the relationship and how I wanted to know that I wasn't wasting my time with her, she went from "let's talk about it" to heading for my front door shortly after I started talking.

All I said, was that I needed to know where this was going. What she wanted from me, and how I can't keep believing in something that I'm the only one fighting for.

Love is worth fighting for. Love is worth changing yourself for. Love is worth moving towards and building and developing and strengthening.

But, she doesn't think that way and could only answer with "I don't know" to my questions.

What do you want from me? Where do you see this relationship going? What are your expectations?

"I don't know"

I'm not as broken hearted as I expected myself to be today, but I was listless and feeling lost. I really think she's my soulmate, but she... She stopped caring for me. She talks, rather than demonstrates. Saying "I love you" is not as believable as her looking into my eyes with the same shine I've given her.

I've loved her, but. She's married. She's immature. Doesn't know how important relationships are. Doesn't take my feelings or concerns seriously enough. Doesn't try and make a bit of effort to show how important I am to her. She isn't supportive. She is not kind. Nor compassionate. Not even interesting.

I can forgive a boring woman, if I knew she truly loves me and appreciates all that I do for her.

Appreciation. Gratitude. Each goes a long ways towards keeping me inspired and enthusiastic about being in a relationship and making it into the best it can be.

Fola doesn't think that way.

She's... Damaged. Crippled. Is incapable of knowing what love actually is, because she is unwilling to give it.

For awhile, I thought maybe my ideal notion of love was unreasonable and unrealistic to attain, but it's not. It's...

It's exactly what I deserve. What everyone deserves.

I don't know what I should be learning from this relationship. I hoped it would be the end of the road for me. My happy ending. But, it's not. And.. I don't know. It could still be. If Fola wants what I want.

But, she doesn't. In fact, she doesn't know what she wants.

I know what I want. I've dreamt of it for years, now.

Maybe the lesson is not to throw pearls before swine. Maybe the lesson was for me to love another person unconditionally, no matter how often they wound me. Maybe the lesson was about the importance of staying true to myself, and bailing on her earlier so I would find the lady who was deserving of what I have to offer.

Maybe, it was all those things. Maybe it was none of them.

I find myself a maker of hypocrites when it comes to relationships.

But, maybe, I've now become the hypocrite for not really putting into practise the lessons I've learned from other women. Although I tried. Lord knows I've tried my hardest to make it work.

Until, I couldn't.

You can't force anyone to love you and those that claim to, should be tested.

Fola failed that test. Either because of her unwillingness to try, or because she was incapable of loving to the depth that I need and have given.

I don't know.

Now that I'm back to working again, and not enjoying it; I realize that time is so finite that I can't stand around hoping for something or someone to appear in my life, transforming it into the dreams I've been carrying inside for so many years now.

I have to make those dreams a reality.

But, I did try. I really did.

And I can't force anyone to do the same.

I can't force Fola. And Gina tried without my even asking. She tried. Fola didn't.

I don't know anymore.

Life is so short.

I can't waste it on waiting for a married woman to figure out what she wants.

I can't give all of who I am to someone unwilling to go the extra mile to make me feel loved enough to inspire me to keep trying, and to make things special between us.

I can't allow a negative person to bring me down to their level, and not elevating themselves to mine. I hate to sound superior and arrogant about it, but I did bring my best. I feel that it counts as a better way of being, and I expect gratitude as the minimum reward for my efforts.

(sighs) I was dragged down. Not all the way, but quite far. I feel like I should be keeping a list of Fola's transgressions to remind myself that the reaction and feelings I had towards her last night, were the right ones to have. I do deserve better. I do deserve a happy and meaningful relationship that is constantly moving forward and developing into something magical.

Although we already had the magical stuff. It wasn't enough. Not enough for her to give me any reason to believe she was serious about being with me. Through thick and thin. Hard times and good ones.

She is not that type of person, it seems. And for too long, I kept faith alive thinking she might be. And she will probably go back to the way she once was. Sleeping with random guys she has superficial connections with and pretending like it's not.

Her loss.

I haven't texted her all day. She hasn't texted me. She still owes me money for the trip, and I doubt she has integrity enough in her to pay it back.

I've been used.

I've been conned.

I've been made a mockery of.

And it won't happen to me again.

The Cookie Still Crumbles

Seems like a recurring theme on this blog for the past few months. Every time I post, has to do with how negative I have been feeling about my relationship with Fola.

And this post, is no different.

Last night we went to see Alien: Covenant, and it sucked. I didn't enjoy it. The best parts of the movie for me, was when I was holding Fola's hand.

Then afterwards, as I expected her to be coming over to my place, she started talking about how she had to borrow her husband's car because she couldn't start her own (dead battery) and that she would feel guilty if she stayed over at my place, and her husband doesn't have a vehicle for whatever emergency that could possibly happen. That's understandable, but after a long week of weak, unenthusiastic texts (from me) and with the way she didn't take sex seriously last time she was over, and how she... (sighs) I can go on and on and it won't make any difference.

I'm tired, man. It has been nothing but.. disappointment after disappointment with this woman. And I hesitate to use the term woman, when her maturity level doesn't reflect someone who understands themselves and how to relate to others.

Last night, as I came home from the theatre, feeling saddened; I just went to bed, knowing that it was another night of being alone, even though I thought she was going to be with me. And, she texted me as I was settling in and I didn't want to respond. She mentioned that it was a dead battery, as I suggested, and I didn't care enough to comment. I just wanted to shut her out from my mind and go to sleep. Then she called at midnight, probably about the car, and...

It's obvious. I don't have any excitement left for her. Fola has demonstrated more than enough times that she isn't ready or willing or feeling like our relationship is going anywhere. She...

I feel like tears are coming on.. I can go into so much detail about why she is wrong for me, that it feels pointless to do so.

Yeah.. There's a tear.. welling up as I type. Both eyes.

I am tempted to call myself a loser. A failure. But.. I know in my heart that I.. I've done my best and it wasn't good enough to inspire her to do the same.

I've felt those feelings before with others, too. It's familiar. Not getting what I need or want. Not having the image of my ideal relationship match up with reality. Not feeling loved, or respected, or wanted.

Just...

Emptiness.

Sadness.

And a part of me knows that I deserve.. No, ALL of me knows that I deserve someone special, and I can't help but think of Gina again. And knowing how much I blown that.

I..

I am going back to work on Thursday, and I imagine that my focus is going to be even less on Fola than it is now, and I don't see why she would be interested in seeing me once I'm in this mode of thinking. Because, I am not going to try as hard with her as I have. I am not going to ... excite her, and I am expecting something even more dilluted than it already is.

And, it's not all my fault. That's the part I need to accept and understand. This is not all my fault. I've gone above and beyond. I went the extra mile. I've cherished her. Forgiven her. Respected her. Did all the things that I felt was expected of me, even when I didn't want to. I did it because I thought I loved her. I did it because I.. wanted this all to work. But.. I can't do it all on my own, and I can't take responsibility for this failure when I know that I have tried my best. Multiple times. And have very little, if anything, to be apologizing for.

There was a documentary I watched on Netflix about sex and technology. "Hot Girls Wanted" and it was an episode about this 40-year old guy who "ghosts" the women that he dates. Basically, fucks them and leaves them hanging, so he can hook up with another 20-something year old, and repeat the process.

The guy had little shame or concern about what he was doing, and I was reminded of how horrible online dating really is. I found myself nodding at the various points made throughout. That people just don't want to work at relationships anymore, and that they bail when things get too tough, thinking that there's always someone better or easier to get along with, around the corner.

I don't want to go back to dating again. I hate it. I don't want to be the 40 year old guy still going out on dates when I should be with a family. With a woman that loves and supports me and brings out the best of who I am. And appreciates it. And reciprocates.

But.. I am not with that woman, right now. Fola potentially can be that woman, but she's not.

She's not.

And.. I am hanging onto hope. Onto potential. And, I don't know if its worth doing anymore. Why should I cast pearls before swine? I've done it for months now, and...

I deserve better.

Fola and I had great chemistry. Great sex. Great conversations. And, it was mainly it seems, due to me. As immodest as that sounds. I made all that happen, because I was happy and excited and wanting to make it work.

Well, it all wasn't good enough. Fola.. I don't know man. I'm thinking she should be cut some slack, but I'm so observant of the small things she does and says; that I don't think she should be cut any slack at all.

She barely tries. And only when I get upset, is when she seems to want to do anything.

That's.. I don't want a relationship with a robot. Where this thing has to follow my instructions in order to keep me happy. I want to stop thinking about the latest drama with her. I want to focus on building a good life for myself and not have this girl on my mind all the time. Crowding out the thoughts that would help me build that life I'm after. I spend far too much time thinking about someone that doesn't deserve so much of the attention that I've given her up until this point. I hate the sound of that, like she "owes" me for all I've done; but, I've done so much, and have gotten back so little. And.. that's what a good relationship is supposed to be. Two people in love, who continually works towards making the relationship better. Making each other better. Not just one person who is doing that, while the other is prone to expressions of being ungrateful and inconsiderate and insensitive.

I can see...

No.. I can't see the future. It would be arrogant for me to predict it.

But, it seems like I will have to give up on her at some point, if things carry on the way they are.

I can't.. live my life for another woman. I want to, but not her. It has to be someone deserving and appreciative.

Someone kind. Loving. Thoughtful. Sensual. Fun. Silly. Smart. Spiritual.

That's the person I'd want to give my life towards.

To build a future with.

Not a married woman who incites all this drama, and makes me feel more like I'm being used, than being loved.

And... there's no.. indication or interest from her, regarding our future it seems. I'm pretty one-sided in how I express that. And wanting to work towards achieving it.

She's 30 years old, and I'm still not sure if its just her personality or immaturity that is standing in the way of all this. Maybe it's both. Maybe she still has a long ways to go before realizing how to be able to fully love someone, and to want to make them happy. Her ego... (sighs) her ego is ridiculous. I don't think she questions...

I'm tired. I don't feel like writing anymore. I've already written enough. You can see how much this woman is negatively consuming my thoughts, when I want to harbor good thoughts and good feelings.

Not these sad ones.

And.. I am well aware that I might be too demanding of what I expect from a relationship, but I don't think I am. I think the minimum I'm willing to accept, is a grateful and appreciative lady to be with. She does not express gratitude or appreciation very well. Hardly ever.

I just feel used. Like a toy. This thing that distracts her for a little while, and then she can go home. To her husband. Her daughter. Her dog.

Her life. Of which I don't feel like I'm an important part of.

I'd love to see her every day. To see her daughter every day. Even her dog, but I can't.

And she doesn't.. I don't know.. I don't know if she wants to see me every day either. She..

(sighs)

Yeah. It doesn't feel like she loves me.

I don't feel loved.

So.

What now?

I am..

I don't think I can break this off.

I need to ride this as far as it will go, and to have her break up with me.

I told her before that this relationship was going to be a struggle, and I was right. For so many different reasons.

But..

It still feels like there is something I need to learn from her, before I can part ways.

It still feels like a test that I am taking. And haven't yet passed or completed.

So.

Guess I'll have to wait and see. If and when the break up happens, it'll likely be her idea.

And then I can move forward confidently, knowing that I have tried. That I haven't given up.

I still remember my earlier blog posts, about how I excited I was to have met my soulmate.

...

She...

She's my..

(sighs)

Dream.

And that's all it seems to be, right now.

Until something in her changes.

Well blog.

It's been a crazy life.

I don't see the craziness ending anytime soon.

The Struggle Aftermath

Well blog, I'm here again. On my knees asking you to listen to my grievances.

Past few days hasn't been going well for me. Money is non-existent. I haven't worked in six months, and there doesn't seem to be any jobs on the horizon. My writing is having a tough time being productive, and I am in a relationship with a married woman who doesn't actually love me. Or can't seem to be able to.

It's tough, man. I'm inclined to feel the fear and allow myself to fall into a million pieces that cannot ever be glued back together again, but I'm not. I'm feeling sad.

Fola.. (sighs) .. a few days ago, we met with her friend Ryan and problems came immediately once we arrived at the bar and he was in a booth alone.

"Where should I sit?" Fola asks, looking at Ryan.

I was right there next to her, feeling completely rejected. Where should she sit? By me, isn't that the obvious answer?

A few other things came around that made me.. disappointed, in her. Greatly. I could've been angry, but I already knew what kind of person she was, and I didn't want to make a scene.

The way she looked at Ryan.. (sighs) she used to look at me that way. Until she got bored of me, I guess. Or... just not as interested as before.

One of the things I hated about that night, is that in the back of my mind, I kept thinking all she really wanted from us hanging out, was a threesome. Which bothered me as we sat at my dining room table later on, and.. Well, to Fola's credit, she did give me some reassuring touches as we chatted. But to me, it felt too little, too late. She had been fawning over Ryan, who once suggested that he "practise" having sex with her; and..

I.. I'm not in a loving relationship. All these little things add up to make that a foregone conclusion.

I'm just not being loved in the way I deserve to be. Or being given towards even half as much as I had been giving to her.

That night ended awfully, with Fola getting drunk and refusing sex in bed, and then in the morning, she says, "make it quick". I had felt this dark cloud descend over me and felt like our relationship was on the ropes and wasn't going to last. She later apologized for being "weird" and understood why I wasn't happy about her asking where she should sit. But, she still maintains that she didn't do anything wrong.

Fola is incredibly selfish. This, I had known for a while. I thought maybe in time I could slowly convert her over, but it doesn't look like its going in that direction. Or maybe it is. I really don't know.

She's having problems at home. Her dad seems to hate me now that her husband Larry told him all about our trip together, and that is in spite of his also being polyamorous and seeing other people, etc.

Such a gong show. I really felt myself sink to a low level. That nice sharp in-focus feeling I had been riding in the past few months, seemed to get buried behind the dullness of my eyes. Fola just wasn't making me happy. And seems to have little to no trace of empathy in her, for evidence too numerous for this blog post to get into.

So, today, as I was invited over to her place for dinner (which was nice, her making me dinner). I couldn't chase these dark thoughts out of my mind. Our texting lately has been sucking. So has our chats on the phone, and I didn't have much hope that meeting her today would change anything. I expected it to be even worse afterwards, since I little to no enthusiasm about making her feel good given how badly she has been making me feel. Again, for reasons too numerous to get into. A lot of small things adding up.

I parked in front of her house, and walked around towards the back where she said she would be. Prior to getting out of the car, I still couldn't chase those thoughts out of my mind. Critical, insulting, despairing. I said out loud as if God was watching me, "so it's going to be like that, huh?" I just couldn't reign in all my negativity.

But, when I arrived on the back patio, I saw her smile and felt all that negativity melt away.

No, not Fola's smile. Ivy, her two-year old daughter.

We blew bubbles together. She grabbed me by the hand and showed me off her toy fountain. Grabbed my hand again to have me sit in a chair. Played with the bubbles I blew.

I so want to be a dad. I so want that kind of unconditional love from a child.

It was easier to bear things after that.

But.. I still feel less and less for Fola. I can't lie to myself. She.. she has this cluelessness about her. Like, I have to teach her how to be in a relationship because she can't figure it out on her own. And I don't like having to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to someone who doesn't appear able to do the same.

When I am not happy, everyone suffers. Especially myself.

And with the financial woes of mine, and the job situation and my not living my purpose.

It's hard. It's so hard to deal with that I just want to ignore everything and play video games all day. I hate it. That's not the way I should go about things.

Which is why I fired up this blog post, to try and do something useful before I lay my head to rest for the night. At least jot my thoughts down. Get them organized. Vent a little. Regroup and have a better perspective tomorrow morning.

The best part of my evening with Fola, was when her and Ivy watched Mia & Me on Netflix. Ivy was wiggling around in my lap, using my hand as a seatbelt and exclaiming, "buckle up!". Then there was a moment when she turned around with a smile and planted a sloppy wet kiss on my lips.

God, I so want kids. But.. I want a loving wife as well.

And.. all I can do is look. Look from the outside in at a life that could possibly be mine someday.

A father of a child, with a wife.

But.. I don't have any of those things. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I need to gather my resources and wits together. I don't know if I'll find work soon. I should be scared, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe I'm just comfortable with denial.

And distraction. I've been seeing Fola nearly every day.

And...

(sighs)

I... I know I deserve better.

I've written enough times in this blog to never give my life up for a woman, but that is what I seem to be doing. And I should stop. I should realize that there are more important things to be putting my focus on than on a woman. Especially one who has little empathy. One who thinks nothing of my feelings about not wanting to be in an MMF threesome despite how opposed I am to the idea of it. But will consider doing, if I knew she was trying her best to make me happy.

And she's not.

But then again. I've seen the stress she's under. I've seen how hard it is to raise a child and a dog and living in a house with a husband who doesn't love her. Who abuses her and calls her a whore.

I.. I am always attracting these kind of women into my life for some reason.

I think mainly because I have to have my spirit tested. I need to be able to overcome these things and to find independence within myself. I think that is the lesson I am tasked with, and Fola is doing an excellent job of undermining my dignity and expectations.

Well. She certainly is testing my convictions. I am definitely having to reach deep inside myself to find patience and compassion enough to try and make this all work. To hold onto hope until she breaks things off with me.

Because, I don't know if I can break it off. I've kind of done it already.

I have to ride this out to the bitter end. Just to see if I am making another hypocrite of someone.

Like I'm so good at doing.

I miss Georgina. There was only two women I've been involved with in my life who I would describe as "good" people. Of strong moral fiber, conviction, passion and loyalty.

I can see Gina as one. Even though she bailed so unexpectedly.

I see Elizabeth as the other. Whom I took for granted.

I've only ever been involved with two good women.

In my nearly 40 years on this planet.

...

I'm tired.

I want to...

In my prayers at night, I said something that really stood out for me a while back. Normally, I would describe my day and then kind of ask for help with something. Sort of like making a wish. But I didn't wish for money, for a family, for a loving girlfriend or wife or job or anything like that.

I simply wished for God to remind me of his love.

I just want to be reminded.

I want to know that.

Because if and when I do.

Then everything else is a cakewalk.

But until then.

I will have to wait.

Perhaps someday, I will know for sure.

And it will all have been worth it.

The Aftermath Struggle

Welp. Same old, same old. Got back from spending a week in Arizona last night with Fola, and...

(sighs)

I really don't know what to make of our relationship. I really don't.

It pains me to even think about it. Whenever I get pictures of her and her family having fun, and texts telling me about a BBQ and waffle cones, and whatever other random thing and I'm not there and then I get another text with a, "how come you aren't here?" as if I was invited in the first place and I wasn't; and another text that is completely oblivious to my reply text about how I do want to be there, and that her telling me these things were torturing me.

She brushed that off, of course. My question was, "what else is there that you can torture me with?" and she replies with, "touching myself".

It sucks, man. It.. man...

I want a family. I don't want to waste time waiting around with this girl. I want to move forward. I want to live with a wife and child.

But, fate has decided otherwise, it seems and instead I'm forced to suck this all up and pretend like it doesn't matter. Even though I rarely pretend about it, I certainly do keep my sorrow to myself, because who needs to hear that shit? I've said it enough times to Fola already, but I suspect its a flavor-of-the-moment sort of deal where she listens to it once, and then never puts it in her mind ever again. Or so infrequently, that it doesn't matter.

And her lack of modesty.. Geez. Compliment her, and I basically get a "I know" sort of reply. Nothing humble about that girl at all. And for someone who claims to be wanting unconditional love; it seems very unfair that she is more about receiving it, than giving it, which kind of makes the whole situation of her like this sort of vampirism. Where I'm getting the blood sucked out of me, and not getting anything much in return. Or at least anything in proportion to what I'm putting out.

Not even basic consideration. Fola keeps asking me questions about why I get jealous when I see her talking to other men. First of all, I'm not particularly jealous. It had more to do with the way she would stand off to the side of me, and pretend like I'm not there most of the time. You'd think a good girlfriend would take notice, and stand besides me. Maybe hold my hand. Give me a reassuring touch, or look, as she's chatting up with some random dude with this big beaming smile on

And of course, all this like I don't exist.

On the flight back, Fola decided it was more important that she stayed seated with some other guy rather than sit next to me. And she wonders why I'm "jealous"..

Fuck, man. This is not the kind of relationship I want. This is..

I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. A test? That's the only way I can look at it. Is it a long-term thing and will there be a light at the end of the tunnel with Fola, or no? Or should I actually be putting myself back out there, and try to find someone else who isn't as immodest, selfish, ignorant and inconsiderate?

But, man. I do love that woman. Not in the kind of way that I would expect a romantic relationship to be, but this love where its like.. I know her. I know her deeply. Even from before I was born, I knew exactly what kind of a person she is.

And a part of me is telling me to hang on. To stick it out and see what happens. Maybe she will realize things. Maybe she will change. Maybe she will understand that to get love, you first have to give it. You have to be able to understand what love is, and appreciate it, and work towards maintaining good relations, because it never should be a one-sided thing. She knows I'm single. |She knows I'm monogamous. She knows how badly I want a family, a wife, a child.

She knows she doesn't treat me as well as she should. She knows all these things, and sometimes the guilt does get to her, and she sometimes does make up for certain things.

But, she hardly does. She's so self-centered. So.. Immature. Which is expected, being that she is 30 years old and I am 39.

Nine year age difference.

Best sex ever.

Fantastic chemistry.

We're both intensely curious about the world.

We both want to realize our spiritual potential. We both want unconditional love.

And yet, it feels like I'm a spectator standing off to the side of her life. I'm just this distraction she comes to every now and then before she has to go home to her husband, her child, her dog, her house.

Fuck, man.

I am a pitiful, lonely fucking human being. My blog has chronicled some of the pains I've gone through to get to where I am now. This yearning has been a constant of mine, to love another and to feel loved by them. To settle down. To learn from all the mistakes and missteps I've made so that I can come back stronger, and better equipped to deal with the challenges that relationships present.

Sex so good, that Fola stopped me in the middle of it and asked me why I was still single and where I picked up my "skills"/

It's really simple. I'm single because I haven't been able to find the right woman for me. And my "skills" has to do with my being sensitive, and eager to please.

So eager to please, that I had to slap, choke and insult her. Because she wanted me to. Because she feels some sort of guilt about the way I am around her. The things I do for her. It's like she knows she doesn't deserve any of it, and so I have to abuse her in order to balance things out.

(sighs) what a fucking joke this all is.

I don't want to do these kind of things with my wife. Fola tried to tell me that I liked doing these things, in the same way that Gyngie tried to suggest and both of them are wrong. I don't like doing these things. What I do like, is making my partner happy. And if its abuse that they want, then it is abuse that they get. But I don't enjoy any of that shit. I only enjoy it when I know that they enjoy it, and thats not a difficult thing to wrap their minds around.

Why.. God.. why. Why am I.. why do I attract such difficult women into my life? Such unfathomable women, too, like the ones who break up at the drop of a hat just when I think things are going extremely well between us?

My mother told me the same thing. "You attract so many wrong women into your life."

And I had to agree with her. I do. And maybe its because I need those women so that I can learn from each one of them.

What am I learning from Fola? That hypocrisy is something.. something that I dislike very much in another human being. And at the same time, I can't let myself get riled up whenever she contradicts herself or acts in a way that doesn't mesh with her claim of "loving" me.

I can't trust that woman. She's... She can leave at any time. Her moods change daily. Sometimes hourly. One minute she's the perfect woman, the next, she's this detached vampire that I can't help but want to get close to, in the hopes that she will turn things around.

I spent two weeks without her at one point, and she claims she cried frequently about it.

But, boy, was that ever a short memory, because I haven't seen much in the ways of gratitude for my reappearance afterwards. Yeah, I mean for the first little while I felt appreciated again, but it didn't take long for things to go back to the way they were.

I'll be honest. Fola has been trying, here and there. It's not much, but she does try. And when she does, I feel this hope of mine renewing itself and I immediately know that I have enough faith in her to last until the next time she starts taking me for granted and throws these daggers at me in all the small ways she seems oblivious about.

"Why aren't you here with me now?"

"I will have to bake you something." (never does)

"Want to meet up? ;)" and then when I suggest being interested in doing so, she claims she's tired.

Yeah.. I'm tired too. So tired of this instability. This unpredictability. This madness that Fola seems wrapped up in.

Does she want to be with me, or not? Am I wasting my time or should I be more patient? Is she sincere whenever she says she loves me, or is she only saying that because she thinks its something I need to hear?

Is she going to get divorced? Will...

I'm so tired man. I hate those questions. I hate thinking so much about all this. I never thought I'd be involved in anything like this. This.. basically a consensual affair with a married woman.

A married woman.

Her husband is fine with us going on vacation together, and us having sex.

What a fucked up world this is.

Argh.

But I know I can survive this. Just like I've survived worse things.

I am a survivor, and this is definitely a test.

At what point will I cut things loose with her? I don't know. Or even if I should. Or if I will.

But one thing I do know I have to do, is to try and be myself. To put myself first. To be unaffected by the contradictory ways Fola behaves and believes. I need to always hold onto myself, and nurture the parts that I love most.

My masculinity is under fire, and I must do all that I can to keep my shield up as each new day arrives, and new interactions with Fola has me bending this way and that. Trying to keep from snapping in half.

(sighs) I feel so ineloquent in all that I am writing here. Its deep. She and I are meant for each other, and yet..

I don't know. I wish I could see the future, but maybe its good that I can't.

This could all end in tragedy or bliss. Who the hell knows.

But I do know it will end one way or another, and I have to be patient and to have faith that I am being guided towards good things whether or not Fola is going to be by my side once they come.

I need to keep strong. Authentic. Genuine. Wise. Empathic. Patient.

All these things and more.

*sighs*

Well..

I'm still glad to have met her.

Even if...

She's...

I'm tired, man. I can't even finish this post properly.

We look so good together in pictures.

Trip was fun. Had a fight halfway through it. Came back. Gave her the best sex of her life.

And now we're both home. In our regular lives. Doing what we were doing before.

Nothing really has changed, it seems to me.

I don't know man.

I wish things would.

Tripping Over Both Feet

Well blog, I'm back to you again. Needing to air out some grievances.

So, to start things off, I had an almost two hour long conversation with Fola on Tuesday night that went extremely well. So well, that she masturbated and had an orgasm while talking to me, so yeah. Can't get much more "weller" than that.

And she decided to come over last night and it sucked.

Because now I'm back to the same mindset I was in, where I wanted to break up with her. And back then, I thought I was going to. But, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not when I saw her again.

I owe her something. I know that inwardly and outwardly now, thanks to the tarot card reading that Boyd from Sundra Healing gave me. Yeah, fucking tarot cards.. But still.. Soulmate + Travel + Getting to Know Each Other, certainly wasn't a lucky coincidence. And the subsequent cards about my owing her a karmic debt.. Well.. I actually feel that I do, on some level.

See, when I took those two weeks away from her, in addition to the perspective I was gaining, I also..

Shit.. I don't know. But it made sense as to why Fola became irrationally angry with me three times in the week before I decided to break up. She couldn't explain it, and to me, I think something from a past life we've shared has to do with it.

I think I fucked up somewhere, and now I owe her for it.

Or maybe, it wasn't really my fault and I have to make her see that.

I don't know. But I joked with her at one point that she might be the reincarnation of Cleopatra, and I was Mark Antony. Does that shit actually make any sense? It kind of does, which makes the delusion all the more insidious. If in fact, it is a delusion.

It's funny, because whenever I affirm these statements, that she is Cleopatra; I don't feel any kind of resistance or "twinge" inside of me to suggest that it is false. It feels very true when I say it, and assuming that it is true, then it makes sense on a level for her to be angry with me. Given that (I'll assume again) Mark Antony must have made promises to Cleopatra about coming back alive from the war he was in, and was going to win; but he didn't win, and he killed himself. Suicide. As did she, when she found out.

In that context, this really makes sense. (sighs) Assuming reincarnation is real (I believe so), and assuming I was Mark (it seems true) and assuming she was Cleo; I can see where the animosity comes from. Lovers, promising each other the world, and it didn't work out. It ended in disaster, and someone has to take the blame for it. Someone has to take responsibility.

Or maybe, both of us have to. That's what it feels like to me. Why should I be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders while she walks about unencumbered? Doesn't make sense.

So, yeah. She came over last night saying she was feeling "irritated" and "closed off". Sitting next to her on my couch, I could actually see how distanced she was. There was no warmth about her. No real... passion, or appreciation for being where she was. And more than once she had to tell me, "I shouldn't have come over tonight" (laughs)

That laugh/smile, killed me. What an insult that was.

Then as I probed her for why she was feeling this way, she could only answer that she was feeling "hate" and though it wasn't directed towards me, it was exuding from her regardless. Her feelings were controlling her and she allowed them to. Thinking it was necessary for some stupid reason or another.

What an irrational person she is. The night previous had us making a fantastic connection over the phone, and then she's apologizing (with a smile) about how she's feeling "resistance" to connecting with me tonight.

God, fucking women I tell you.

I know this isn't anything new. Most guys would have similar stories, I'm sure, but it's not hormonal I don't think. She's not due to start her period until next week.

And.. You can't say shit like that. "I shouldn't have come over" and then show up at the door all sour and unwilling to connect, because you feel "resistance". Come on! Put on a brave face and realize that you are infecting me with your negativity and are unwilling to help me ease your pain.

Some "soulmate" she is. She is so immature, so clueless sometimes that I feel this.. combination of grief, sadness, despair, longing and.. even fear, at times, thinking that I'm making a mistake by continuing to be involved with her.

I was thinking that the perfect analogy for our relationship, would be between a devil and an angel. I am the angel, the guy who grew up pure of heart and filled with romantic longings but pushed down by the world and past relationships to have to embrace/recognize the darker aspects of humanity. In Fola's case, she embraces the darker aspects. She wants violent sex, basically. She thinks its hot to watch me fuck some other girl. She's keen on sleeping with multiple different people, her being poly. She's...

I won't mince words. Fola is a bad person trying to be a good one.

And I must be a good person, trying to be a bad one.

What is good and bad, though? I believe you can separate them each into categories of "conductive" and "regressive" as far as personal "growth" goes. Both in this reality, and spiritually also.

Fola is a wolf, trying to become a lamb.

I'm a lamb, pretending to be a wolf.

But I actually think I'm more like a fox.. Anyways.. (sighs) fucking babbling now.

I have a hard time believing that this woman loves me, even though she has said it a few times by this point. The worst thing that happened last night was when she was leaving, and I told her I loved her.

"I know," she said.

And then fucking left.

No, "I love you too" in return.

Just barely fucking trying.

I should've kicked her out the second she smiled at me saying she shouldn't have came over.

"Alright, there's the door, go home." Instead, I sat there trying to play it off. Trying to figure out what was really going on with her. She watched some kind of psychic "attunement" video after our conversation on the phone, and said she had a strong physical reaction to it. I thought maybe that was the culprit.

Look, if this is how you're feeling today, irritated, annoyed and cruelly without empathy; then maybe you've been affected by that shit. Not everything online about "healing" and "Reiki" and "develop your psychic powers!" is actually going to be accurate and applicable to every person on the planet. Not everyone is on the same level, spiritually, as the persons who may be watching a particular video.

Some of them make shit up too. Unfortunately, there are a multitude of guilible persons the world over who are willing to buy into it. As P.T. Barnum once said, "there's a sucker born every minute."

The one thing I did wrong last night, was allowing her to carry on as she did. To take advantage of my sympathy and compassion and not even attempt to try and put a brave face on. To appreciate my company. To show some gratitude to the guy she claims to love, and to allow him to make her feel better. To allow him to help her. And if she doesn't want to be helped, then just allow him to love her and love him in return. Despite however the fuck you are feeling.

Because, I wanted to love her last night. I tried. But because I mentioned having a slight fever, she came in through the door and refused to give me a kiss, saying it was because of my fever.

Her memory must really be short, because I gave her more than enough fucking kisses when she had gonnerhea.

Guess I love her more than she loves me, and now I don't even fucking know if I love her.

What a messed up.... (sighs) my blood is boiling just relieving these memories of last night and now, as all kinds of crap is floating up from the bottom of the abyss, wanting to be acknowledged.

Well.. I'm not going to bother. And I don't think I'm going to bother emailing Fola about my concerns like I earlier thought I should be. Should I tell her everything I felt about last night and how she made me feel? NO. And why not? Because I've noticed that she is going to turn into a robot if I do. I already saw evidence of it last night when she brought me an apple fritter from Tim Horton's. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice thoughtful gesture and I appreciated it; but I can no longer tell if it was done out of sincerity, or because she felt like she "had" to get me one.

That's the thing. Tell someone you love getting X and when she starts giving you X, you have to wonder how real is actually is. The thing is, anyone can follow a list of instructions. But it's the improvised moments that speak of our truest selves. The times when we decide to give, because we want to give. Not because we think we should. It's the moments when we see something at thrift store that reminds us of the ones we love, and we buy it for them, not expecting anything in return.

It's the spontaneous show of getting them flowers every now and then. Not because we think we "have to".

SHOW me that you love me. Don't TELL me. Because words are meaningless unless acted upon.

And I'm not going to show you HOW to love me, either. Because if you can't figure it out, then I don't think you can ever love me. That's what love is supposed to be about. Learning about what makes your partner happy, and then giving that to them whenever they need it.

You don't fucking talk up a good game and rest on your laurels.

I've heard that from Gyngie all the time. And other girls, too. Always stuff like, "well I thought about baking you this and this, but I was all out of (ingrediant) so I didn't."

Wow. Who cares? Why even tell me that? It's the thought that counts? Not in my books. Could've/would've/should've doesn't mean a damn thing.

And.. (sighs) I'm supposed to go to Arizona with Fola next week..

And I'm in this sour mood now, that she left me with.

But, given the experiences I've gone through; I'm well aware of how I should be acting at this moment. Or rather not acting, but "being".

I need to BE myself. To stay true. To not live my life for another woman. And a married one, at that.

If I owe her a karmic debt, then I must learn to be patient and not make a big deal about this. But I will have to put my foot down whenever I see her acting this way.

Otherwise it can only get worse, if I allow her to get away with this.

And I don't want things to get any worse. I want them better. I want an awesome relationship with her. I want it to last for the rest of our lives.

I want her to love me.

I want to love her.

I want us together.

But...

I can't do it on my own.

And...

Fuck me...

I am so going down shit creek without a paddle.

Hmm.

But I've been through worse.

And I'll get through this.

I promise.

I know it.

I believe in a God. I believe in a divine plan. I believe this is the right person at the right time doing the right things for all the right reasons. Even if I can't see what those reasons are at the moment.

I can see an opportunity, though.

I can see myself taking the high road.

And not allow her to affect me.

Brush it all off.

Smile.

Be a man.

And walk forward with my head held high.

Plenty of other bitches in the sea.

She's just one fish of many.

And I'm prepared to live my life without her, if need be.

So...

She has more to lose than I do.

I've gone through hell enough times already.

Don't need to go there again.

I've learned everything I've needed to learn.

Now I must use it.

A long time ago

Wow, what a rollercoaster. What a ride.

So many things have happened in the past while, that I can't possibly do them all justice in this one post, so I won't even try.

Most if it is Fola related, some of it is this new business I'm starting, another has to do with our trip to Arizona.

Busy, busy, busy, I tell you.

Life is good. Praise Allah, or God, or whomever. I'm still in one piece. I'm still blessed and fortunate to have both feet planted on the ground of this earth.

She loves me. That much I know. More so than with anyone else before, and it's a great feeling. Again, I'm so lucky. But I know better than to give in and let go of my hesitation and caution. I still need to be careful. Mindful of who I am and where I've come. It's been a long, painful journey and it continues to be a journey. I am not where I need to be just yet.

But I will be. If things keep up the way they are, I will definitely be.

I feel bad somewhat for not updating this blog much. I miss putting my personal thoughts down knowing that nobody else is reading this. It's supremely helpful. And I like looking back at old entries to take note of how much things have changed.

Everything with Fola is going well, so far. I met her friend Ryan, and he seems to really like me. As I do him. Going to meet Lenore, another friend of Fola in a few days here. Hopefully that'll go well, too.

Now that I am approaching the kind of life I've wanted, I know that I have to continue to earn it. To be deserving. To put in the effort as a show of gratitude to the powers that have enabled all this to happen. Complacency is a demon I continue to do battle with, but it has lost more times than it has won. And that to me, is progress of a welcome sort.

Life is such a curious and beautiful thing. Although I have spent a large chunk of my life living in despair and fear of it; I no longer really do. I've learned to embrace all it has to offer, even when it hurts, because pain is an aspect of life. Giving into it, or ignoring it isn't going to make it go away or make it hurt any less. The real challenge is to never feel comfortable with a lower standard of living. Always keep your expectations high. Always demand the very best, even when the chips are down.

Especially, so.

Gyngie and I have somewhat parted ways, and I'm glad to have removed myself from her influence somewhat. She's... grown complacent. To the point where it doesn't look like she will find reason enough to pull herself up and go onto bigger and better things. I guess some people will never change, no matter how much I try to help them to. Encouragement has never worked. Belittling her has never worked. Tempting and bargaining with her hasn't worked. Compassion hasn't worked either. So I tried a full on assault of the truth, and that hasn't worked either.

Some people will never change. Some people just don't want to change, even when their lives absolutely suck, no matter how good the advice they get. You can't change someone who refuses to. You can't mold anyone against their will.

Tough lesson for me to learn, and even tougher to walk away from Gyngie. I just don't want any more bullshit or stress or worry in my life. And that extends to the people I care about. Sometimes they need to be alone in order to find reason enough to change. And oftentimes, that won't help either. At least not enough for them to really want to turn things around.

Some people are comfortable living at the bottom. It's the only way they know. And I can't respect that. I told Gyngie just that.

Well, back to life I go. I've got stuff to do.

I miss you, my blog.

See you soon.

I hope.

Wiggle Room

So, Fola and I had another fight last night.

It was over some pretty dumb shit, like our last three fights were. Except this time, it was kind of sort of plausible that she had a good reason for reacting the way she did. Unlike our last fights where she couldn't even rationally explain why she was upset, no matter how many questions I asked her.

What happened? Well, we were watching some boring movie with Keanu Reeves on Netflix where he is this cop and this other girl sees "ghosts" or something, and eventually gets impregnated automagically by something, and then tries and convince her family/friends that she was immaculately conceived by a spirit.. Eh. Really bad acting + movie, anyways...

So, there was a particular scene with two guys where they both say "nigga" to each other repeatedly. Like, four times in 30 seconds or more I believe. I noticed this, and immediately started mocking the film because it was already written like shit and boring the hell out of me.

"Nigga, nigga!" I mocked at the TV, while holding Fola's hand and pointing out how absurd the writing was.

What happened? Well, she said, "please stop using that word." and immediately, it was like all joy and camaraderie got sucked out of the room. Whoosh! And this dark cloud descended over her. She broke away from touching me, and I could practically see this wall being built around her where we no longer were this single entity watching a movie, but two separate people.

Now, Fola is part-black, so yes, it's understandable why she would not appreciate my using the n-word, but in my defense, I was not directing it towards her, or expressing any kind of opinion on black people in general. I was mocking the overuse of the word by the actors in the film because I rightfully felt it was a ridiculous overuse of it so as to appear "edgy" and "gangster".

So, her wall went up immediately when I mocked the way the word was used and I became deeply offended that she was offended. If that makes any sense.

I mean, she should know that I had NO bad intentions in mind when I used that word other than to mock the film. Any normal human being should be smart enough to understand that. I've never used this word prior in her presence, and I find "nigga" to be slang enough that it is far less damaging than the other version of it, with the R at the end.

Not that I throw "nigga" around carelessly. I hardly ever used it. Except for a few times while I worked with black people who would call me "nigga" and I would reply back with "nigga" just because they accepted and "allowed" me to use that word as a form of greeting.

Upon further discussion with Fola, she says the word is okay for me to say IF I'm black. I was pretty pissed off that she admitted that much. So, because I'm white, I'm not allowed to say nigga. But if I was a black guy, it's okay? That's bullshit. That's reverse-racism, and that is censorship. And what is censorship? Limiting free speech. Controlling someone based on their skin color.

So black people have exclusive rights to the word, but not me. And not only that, but one of the actors in the film who bandied it about, wasn't even fucking black. He looked Latino or something. The hell, man?

It really bothers me that I didn't get a free pass with Fola over this. Not only was I wasn't using the word towards her, or her race in general; but she instantly got angry rather than try and understand why I was using it, in that particular context at that time. She also wouldn't explain why she got upset at first and I had to dig it out of her. Why the fuck should I have to do that? If you are being irrational, I expect to be given an explanation for your behavior and I, in turn, will explain to you why I am using that word in case you are too dense to figure it out on your own.

Censorship is control. And because she says its okay for black people to use that word, that just makes it even worse. So it's not even about the damn word itself, but about who is saying it. And if the person saying it happens to be white, then it's wrong. But if I was black, then it's okay.

Fuck off with that shit. Anyways, she left me in a sour mood and I went home shortly after. Even after a night of sleep, I woke up in the morning with this garbage still on my mind and feeling the need to blog (vent) about it. Seriously, I have better things to be thinking about than this.

I have to remind myself again here, not to live my life for another woman. No matter how nice I was to her, and no matter how I was massaging her hand, touching her, saying nice things and having brought her a Gustav Klimt bookmark; she still waved all that aside because I mocked a bad movie for overusing a "bad" word.

Again, fuck off with that shit.

I feel tempted right now to tell her just that. I'll say whatever I damn well please, Fola. Including the N-word. I am not going to be put under anyone's thumb. Especially people that have so little awareness and understanding of basic human intention, that being offended is the default reaction rather than to try and be empathic and understanding. Particularly when it involves someone you have been intimate and apparently want a relationship with. I'm not racist, what the fuck. I've always tried to be nice to her. To be considerate, caring, giving, loving.

Sensitive.

I admit, she had a bit of a case to support her point of view, since I'm not black I don't understand just how derogatory and hurtful the word "nigga" is. That's fair. But what is not fair, is the knee-jerk way she reacted and refused to give me the benefit of the doubt. And refused to try and be sensible about her feelings on the matter. To try and explain to me, with a level head, exactly where she was coming from.

She made me feel as if I was walking on eggshells, I told her. One of the things she first told me early on in our relationship, was to not worry about racist humor around her. She said specifically, "you don't have to walk on eggshells around me" when I made a comment about her being black and apologized for possibly having offended her. It was a nothing comment, and I was being vigilant and sensitive about her race; but she assured me she was not the type that gets offended easily and that I could joke with her about these things.

How wrong I was. When she told me that, I thought, "cool. I don't have to censor myself. I can be myself around her!" but nope. Fucking nope, I tell you. She wants to censor and limit me. And apparently this kind of shit is a deal breaker among other dealbreakers that I possibly don't know about.

It seems that public perception is everything to her. We once got into a fight about how I shouldn't refer to Native Americans as "natives" and its okay if they call themselves that (and they do, ie. Native Pride) but its not okay when I do it. So, I acquieced and told her I would call them "indigenous" or "first nation" people instead, like she suggested I do. That's fine. Except when we were out at the Witch festival thing a while ago, this one white girl there started talking about Native Canadians and used the word "native" to describe them. I did a double-take and looked at Fola for her reaction. She was unperturbed. So I had to point it out to her: "Hey, she said native!" and Fola brushed it away like it was no big deal. Looks like it was a big deal when I do it, but not when other people do.

Again, fuck off with that shit. I don't even want to get into the whole PDA thing she was pissed off about one time either.

That's the problem with a lot of milennals today I find. Over sensitive, but not sensitive enough to be empathic and rational at the same time. Just this knee-jerk reaction of anger is enough for them to go off of. Who needs rationality or empathy? It's almost juvenile, immature, and society appears to embolden people like that. Telling them it's "okay" to be upset and not rational. Or not develop thick enough skin to have words like that bounce harmlessly off of them in the rare cases they are used in a derogatory manner.

Ugh. I just can't... exorcise this anger I'm feeling right now. I am not the type of guy that likes to hurt people. I don't want to offend anyone who doesn't deserve to be offended, but I will offend those that offend others. That's my modus operandi. Anyone who hurts/offends others deliberately, has opened the door to being made fun of and becomes fair game in my eyes. You reap what you sow.

Anyways... I'm already feeling like Fola and I aren't going to last. Part of me is like, "this girl is my soulmate" and the other part is like, "this girl is not my soulmate, I can and do deserve someone better".

I don't know which of the two it fucking is. Maybe I just need to settle with a white chick who isn't so uptight and easily offended by me. Sorry, but I might say "nigga" again in the future. Not that I want to, but I am not going to put that word in my head of things to be "careful" about just because the girl I'm with doesn't want me to use it, unless I have black skin.

I think I'm doing a bad job of explaining my point of view in all this, but it generally comes down to intentions. Am I using the word with bad intentions in mind? No. The word wasn't even directed towards her or black people in general. The context of it was the bad movie we were watching and how poorly written/acted it was.

So, lastly, fuck off with that shit.

I deserved the benefit of the doubt.

No wiggle room for me, it seems.

What a life.

Onwards.

Arise

The masquerade has begun.

This last couple of weeks have been pretty.. well, intense. I can't really discuss any of it on here, but I should at least mention that things are on the up and up and I have found a greater purpose and reason for being. Really super proud of myself and how I handled the strangeness I've been experiencing lately.

I made mention earlier on my blog that there is a God, and now it is more true than ever before. Not only do I believe and *know* such an entity exists; I also feel more alive and aware for having made this realization.

People are in a constant state of evolution within themselves, I've observed. There are levels of development in which we pin consciousness upon. Some shitty things need to happen in order to reach these higher levels, and once you start making your way up there, then the signs appear. Synchroncities. Coincidences, and the like.

I'm incredibly blessed and fortunate to have experienced what the past couple of months have brought to me. This includes the breakup with Gina, a pivotal moment in time where I had the choice of falling into despair, or shrugging it all off and keeping myself fired up and optimistic about my relationship chances in the future.

Fola is not that perfect girl for me, I don't think, but she is very close. She certainly has the potential to be that person, and yet, I am unsure about where she will be taking herself and where her and I will end up. The future is so uncertain, and that is exactly how it must be, because when I try and fight against the current to bring about an outcome that I think is ideal; I often find myself straying from the path that has been set out before me. I simply am not following my life's purpose, when I try and brute force things. I can only simply be, and move on with faith and gratitude in my heart, hoping and knowing that wherever life takes me, it will be exactly the most optimal outcome possible.

I now have a greater sense of clarity within myself. I will not be going back to my old job. I will forge ahead with a new endeavor, whatever it may be, and I have quite a good idea of the next steps I need to be taking in order to make the most of my potential.

I feel free, but also, I feel like this has only begun. I am taking these tentative baby steps forward and something much greater than myself is looking at me from the other side, urging me to move. So that I will make whatever this entity is; proud.

I want to make it proud.

I will.

It has already begun.