Fola texted me yesterday saying that she missed me. She loves me, and that she wanted to come to my house.
After ignoring her messages the past few days, I couldn't take it anymore. I..
I can't stand it.
How can I believe someone who tells me that she loves me, and doesn't act that way? How can I trust someone that says she wants to work things out, but breaks up the next day? How can I take someone seriously who said she wanted a master/slave relationship, but then tells me it's wrong and not the way it has to be?
I can't... I don't have faith in this woman anymore.
All words. All talk. Never one to put her words into action and to prove her truthfulness.
Just another hypocrite.
Just another confused soul who doesn't appreciate good things when she has them.
So.. I had to write back to her, and I wrote this long angry text about how "unless you come over with blueberry scones and wearing lingerie; I'm not interested" .. I wrote this long thing about how...
It doesn't matter. I deleted it. I just asked her a question:
"What did you learn from this relationship and did you bring your best to it?"
She skipped over answering what she learned, and said "I brought the best of what I knew at the time."
Whatever that meant. I suppose that means no, she did not bring her best. And it was a rhetorical question anyways. She knows she...
Took me for granted. And hurt me. And lied to me.
So.. I didn't.. really know what to text her with after I deleted my long rant. I just had to get that out of my system, and decided instead to send her a link that described what a soulmate's job is supposed to be in a relationship. She didn't bother commenting on it. Especially the part where it said that a soulmate isn't supposed to "sit back" and "enjoy the love and romance"; and that it would be "hard work". Instead, she sent me another link about why soulmates break up, or something like that. Completely ignoring her complicity in how the relationship ended and asking me if I thought I've done "my job"instead of admitting that she hasn't done hers.
That is why I felt I had to ask her what she learned. But she didn't answer that. Too hard of a question I suppose, and I bet the answer is that she didn't learn anything.
In looking at her texts, I had this sense.. this.. well, it wasn't a feeling. I knew she didn't learn anything from our time together. Reading between the lines, I could tell that she wasn't willing to accept and overcome her faults. It seems she would rather pretend that the break up magically happened, rather than admit that she brought us to that point. And that she gave up.
It's a common theme with us. She is unwilling to look at the consequences of her own behavior, and would rather make it out into this inexplicable, mysterious thing that she doesn't have to take responsibility for.
I... I don't know why.. but.. I felt like I had to give her an olive branch somehow. I knew she had a hard time knowing how to love someone. She admitted that she didn't express affection very well. And since she expressed interest in a master/slave relationship; I thought I would mention it to be a good idea to pursue. If we should get back together.
The reason I thought that, was because not only did she previously ask for it; but I figured that if she was willing to listen to me, I could help move her along the right path.
What is the right path, though? Well.. I can't really say for sure. I just know that she needed discipline. She needed order. Structure. Leadership. If she was willing to be in a master/slave relationship, then I would be willing to make it work.
But.. I don't want that shit. I never did like the idea of a completely subservient woman.
And yet.. I made this offer, and she wrote back telling me it was the wrong way to be, and that it is not what love is like.
(sighs) hypocrisy. Always. Every. Single. Relationship.
Women are fucking crazy. They seriously are. There.. there is no..
Their moods change on a whim. Their opinions change. Their values change. Their words are meaningless.
Fola was texting me about how she was afraid that I wouldn't feel faith enough to love again. She was "concerned" about my hardening my heart after all that she's put me through.
Something clicked in my mind. I wanted to react with anger for all that she's done, but...
Instead I did the opposite. I hid my vulnerability from her. She was not welcome to look inside the depths of my soul, just so she can hurt and disappoint me again.
I realized that I... brushed her off. I didn't take her texts seriously, and I wasn't taking her feelings seriously. I wasn't willing to open up with her. I didn't want to make myself emotionally vulnerable with someone who pretended to love me and acted in ways that didn't look like love. Who kept taking me for granted. Who refused to reciprocate. Who started fights, and said contradictory things. Who didn't know who she was, what she wanted and what she would be willing to do in order to realize whatever it was she wanted. From me, herself and from life.
A confused, troubled soul being blown around by the forces of the universe. A boat without a captain at the helm that was heading towards God knows where.
So.. Once I sent my final text to her, where I said that I would leave everything in her hands; something happened.
I felt this spark of a warm glow begin to make itself known in my chest.
At this moment, I was by the river at the park. Inside of my car where the boat launch area was. I then saw a police car pull up besides me.
"Hi, David?" the officer asked. Rolling down his window.
"Yes?" I said.
"I see you're parked in an area where there are boat launches."
I interrupted him by saying that I was aware, and that I would be moving my vehicle if and when someone should suddenly bring a boat along. There was no one in sight. And technically I wasn't violating any laws.
The officer agreed, nodded his head and kept talking.
This is where it got strange.
As I was looking at him, something... happened.
His voice began to fade out. To complete silence. I felt this mix of surprise and curiosity as I felt all sound being sucked out of the air while watching his mouth move to words that I couldn't hear.
That spark of a warm glow within me became more pronounced. More warm, and as I am looking at his mouth moving; I felt my eyes.. change. It felt... not like they went out of focus, but.. something along those lines. They sharpened, and expanded at once.
During all this, the officer began to look sheepish and embarrassed. His voice returned and I could hear him again talking about the boat launch. Basically talking in a loop. He agreed I had a right to be there, but for some reason felt the urge to continue talking in circles.
And oddly enough, this strange sensation I was feeling.. Made it feel like I've entered another reality. Like, I've transported myself to a different version of earth. Another universe.
I can't explain why that is, but that is what my intuition seized upon as an explanation for what just happened. That fade out of sound. The.. thing with my eyes.. and the officer talking in a loop.
Then that warm glow. It.. enveloped my chest. It.. made me want to rush home and meditate, for some reason. Just to close my eyes and feel it or be ready to receive something important.
Well.. I couldn't meditate. I had to leave for work soon, but I did go home and sat outside for a half hour putting my hands over my chest. That glow was undeniable. That fire feeling was definitely there, too. It felt like a heat was pouring out from me.
I had to close my eyes and try to think about why this happened, and I couldn't really come to any conclusions. It happened almost immediately after the last text I sent Fola. All I could think, was that I said the right things to her. That whatever it was I said, was exactly how it had to be.
That warm glow stayed with me for most of the night while I was at work. Because it was a slow night, I was able to find an isolated spot for me to sit down and observe what I was feeling.
I started feeling love. Like, this profound sense of love that reached out to the entire universe. That bathed everything around me. I began.. thanking God. Telling Him (or It) that I loved him, and that I appreciate his presence and all that He has done for me. I began thanking Fola, for the times we've had and the love that I still feel for her. I... had.. some kind of experience, and I don't know why or what the reason was for it.
The rest of the night.. my co-workers.. I could see their souls shine. Not actually seeing it, but.. there was a.. light I could pick up on. In their eyes. In their mannerisms when they interacted with me. They held eye contact. They smiled with warmth. They..
Loved me. Loved talking to me. Treated me with respect.
(sighs)
I ended up texting Fola later on asking if she could go get an intuitive card reading. I don't.. know if these feelings meant that it was good I wasn't interested in pursuing our relationship; or if it meant something else. Maybe it meant...that I had to keep an open heart going. Maybe it suggested that I shouldn't close it off and not believe the texts Fola was sending. Maybe it meant that I should...
Believe in love, I guess.
I don't know man.
I don't doubt my capacity to love someone, but... I.. I have a hard time believing that someone can love me as much as I can love them. Or even a little less. Or more... Just.. somewhere around that level.
I don't think I'm asking for very much. I've given it my best with Fola. I've tried my hardest. I love her, but I can't.. respect her.. Or...
(sighs)
I want to believe her. But I can't. I still can't trust that she will put my self-interests above her own. I still haven't been paid for what she owes me on the trip. I still haven't received the photos she took on her phone of Grace and Anjelina. I.. am still dealing with a thoughtless person who is only looking out for herself.
And... I got to thinking.. I need guidance. I need some indication of what to do and where I should be putting my priorities. I want to love. I want love. But.. my best wasn't good enough. My.. efforts were wasted, it seems.
And.. I know deep inside that my fire still burns. I still am the same person I always was. Before, after and during my time with Fola. Even when I feel down, and sad. I still have that inner-radiance within me. I still can be the man I most want to be.
I already am that man. I know that. Even though it means I will have to... learn how I can bring him back out again. I need to trust myself, and not trust other people.. But.. what am I saying? I need to trust other people, too. Especially those that I am in a romantic relationship with.
But, I couldn't trust her. Her moods change. Every day has her thinking and feeling something altogether different. She does not follow any kind of predictable guideline as far as values go. I don't know what she operates by, and I don't think she does either.
I've.. I've got to reclaim myself. I need to.. believe in who I am and what I deserve and not.. let other people compromise who I want to be. I need people that will elevate me. Not put me down. Not make false promises and tell me only what I want to hear. People who do not go the extra distance to make me feel important and appreciated in their lives.
... I need to believe that those people are out there. My mother is one, but.. she's old. She's of a different old-fashioned generation. She is not in the age group of women who is within eligibility for dating. She doesn't represent the type of women that are out there right now. Within 29-40 years of age.
I know my mom would go the extra distance for me. I know she would do anything I'd ask of her. I know she loves me without having to hear her say it. I know I don't have to demand anything from her.
If only I could find someone like her.
But...
I kind of did.
And I wasted that chance.
And..
I must never do that again.
I have to believe.
I do believe.
But...
I need to first begin believing in myself.
And then...
Everything will be okay.
I'm going for an intuitive card reading this week. I don't like putting so much weight onto these things, but I know they have been accurate in the past. Out of over a hundred cards, I managed to pick Rose Quartz with Trina as I predicted I would. That means something. That means there... is something at work in the background of reality. Something is being manipulated remotely. Probably by my higher self, who is working to help my evolution. I believe in this sort of thing. I already believe in a soulmate, which means I have to believe in reincarnation. And if reincarnation is real, then karma is real, too. If the purpose of our existence is to balance out the harm we cause to others; then there is a greater purpose for each of us. And if there is a greater purpose for each of us that survives death; then that can only mean we are intended to evolve towards something. A heightened understanding of something. Perhaps our Creator. Maybe God. I believe that we are intended to evolve towards a level that our higher selves are presently on. I believe this is all a cycle, I believe that my actions in this life are going to determine the quality of my next one. I believe I have to become my higher self. I have to try, at least.
It is only when we stop trying can we admit to having failed.
There are signs that are pointing me in the right direction, but it is up to me to correctly interpret them. And I have to take action, not simply observe and be delighted.
Action counts for everything.
Every day is an opportunity to realize the God within me.
Every person I meet, is a communion with God. For the Creator is inside of each and every one of us.
I think.. I need to...trust my vulnerabilities. To feel secure in them. To know that I can bounce back, and that my vulnerabilities are the parts of myself that I most admire. And that most people admire.
I am a human being with flaws and dreams.
Just like everyone else.
I think I'm going to send Fola this post. I really... don't have anything to be afraid of. I feel protected, loved, and I know that... She would probably want to read this. She will probably think less of me, but I at least will feel.. secure in expressing my deepest thoughts. Even if she will not do the same, and might use them against me.
Let her do just that.
I.. don't know if I want to be back with her. I.. need to be convinced. So.. I don't..
Know.
Which is why I need that card reading.
And...
Yeah.
Life doesn't stop for anyone.
Got to keep moving.
