Well blog, I'm here again. On my knees asking you to listen to my grievances.
Past few days hasn't been going well for me. Money is non-existent. I haven't worked in six months, and there doesn't seem to be any jobs on the horizon. My writing is having a tough time being productive, and I am in a relationship with a married woman who doesn't actually love me. Or can't seem to be able to.
It's tough, man. I'm inclined to feel the fear and allow myself to fall into a million pieces that cannot ever be glued back together again, but I'm not. I'm feeling sad.
Fola.. (sighs) .. a few days ago, we met with her friend Ryan and problems came immediately once we arrived at the bar and he was in a booth alone.
"Where should I sit?" Fola asks, looking at Ryan.
I was right there next to her, feeling completely rejected. Where should she sit? By me, isn't that the obvious answer?
A few other things came around that made me.. disappointed, in her. Greatly. I could've been angry, but I already knew what kind of person she was, and I didn't want to make a scene.
The way she looked at Ryan.. (sighs) she used to look at me that way. Until she got bored of me, I guess. Or... just not as interested as before.
One of the things I hated about that night, is that in the back of my mind, I kept thinking all she really wanted from us hanging out, was a threesome. Which bothered me as we sat at my dining room table later on, and.. Well, to Fola's credit, she did give me some reassuring touches as we chatted. But to me, it felt too little, too late. She had been fawning over Ryan, who once suggested that he "practise" having sex with her; and..
I.. I'm not in a loving relationship. All these little things add up to make that a foregone conclusion.
I'm just not being loved in the way I deserve to be. Or being given towards even half as much as I had been giving to her.
That night ended awfully, with Fola getting drunk and refusing sex in bed, and then in the morning, she says, "make it quick". I had felt this dark cloud descend over me and felt like our relationship was on the ropes and wasn't going to last. She later apologized for being "weird" and understood why I wasn't happy about her asking where she should sit. But, she still maintains that she didn't do anything wrong.
Fola is incredibly selfish. This, I had known for a while. I thought maybe in time I could slowly convert her over, but it doesn't look like its going in that direction. Or maybe it is. I really don't know.
She's having problems at home. Her dad seems to hate me now that her husband Larry told him all about our trip together, and that is in spite of his also being polyamorous and seeing other people, etc.
Such a gong show. I really felt myself sink to a low level. That nice sharp in-focus feeling I had been riding in the past few months, seemed to get buried behind the dullness of my eyes. Fola just wasn't making me happy. And seems to have little to no trace of empathy in her, for evidence too numerous for this blog post to get into.
So, today, as I was invited over to her place for dinner (which was nice, her making me dinner). I couldn't chase these dark thoughts out of my mind. Our texting lately has been sucking. So has our chats on the phone, and I didn't have much hope that meeting her today would change anything. I expected it to be even worse afterwards, since I little to no enthusiasm about making her feel good given how badly she has been making me feel. Again, for reasons too numerous to get into. A lot of small things adding up.
I parked in front of her house, and walked around towards the back where she said she would be. Prior to getting out of the car, I still couldn't chase those thoughts out of my mind. Critical, insulting, despairing. I said out loud as if God was watching me, "so it's going to be like that, huh?" I just couldn't reign in all my negativity.
But, when I arrived on the back patio, I saw her smile and felt all that negativity melt away.
No, not Fola's smile. Ivy, her two-year old daughter.
We blew bubbles together. She grabbed me by the hand and showed me off her toy fountain. Grabbed my hand again to have me sit in a chair. Played with the bubbles I blew.
I so want to be a dad. I so want that kind of unconditional love from a child.
It was easier to bear things after that.
But.. I still feel less and less for Fola. I can't lie to myself. She.. she has this cluelessness about her. Like, I have to teach her how to be in a relationship because she can't figure it out on her own. And I don't like having to open up and be emotionally vulnerable to someone who doesn't appear able to do the same.
When I am not happy, everyone suffers. Especially myself.
And with the financial woes of mine, and the job situation and my not living my purpose.
It's hard. It's so hard to deal with that I just want to ignore everything and play video games all day. I hate it. That's not the way I should go about things.
Which is why I fired up this blog post, to try and do something useful before I lay my head to rest for the night. At least jot my thoughts down. Get them organized. Vent a little. Regroup and have a better perspective tomorrow morning.
The best part of my evening with Fola, was when her and Ivy watched Mia & Me on Netflix. Ivy was wiggling around in my lap, using my hand as a seatbelt and exclaiming, "buckle up!". Then there was a moment when she turned around with a smile and planted a sloppy wet kiss on my lips.
God, I so want kids. But.. I want a loving wife as well.
And.. all I can do is look. Look from the outside in at a life that could possibly be mine someday.
A father of a child, with a wife.
But.. I don't have any of those things. I feel like I'm living on borrowed time. I need to gather my resources and wits together. I don't know if I'll find work soon. I should be scared, but for some reason I'm not. Maybe I'm just comfortable with denial.
And distraction. I've been seeing Fola nearly every day.
And...
(sighs)
I... I know I deserve better.
I've written enough times in this blog to never give my life up for a woman, but that is what I seem to be doing. And I should stop. I should realize that there are more important things to be putting my focus on than on a woman. Especially one who has little empathy. One who thinks nothing of my feelings about not wanting to be in an MMF threesome despite how opposed I am to the idea of it. But will consider doing, if I knew she was trying her best to make me happy.
And she's not.
But then again. I've seen the stress she's under. I've seen how hard it is to raise a child and a dog and living in a house with a husband who doesn't love her. Who abuses her and calls her a whore.
I.. I am always attracting these kind of women into my life for some reason.
I think mainly because I have to have my spirit tested. I need to be able to overcome these things and to find independence within myself. I think that is the lesson I am tasked with, and Fola is doing an excellent job of undermining my dignity and expectations.
Well. She certainly is testing my convictions. I am definitely having to reach deep inside myself to find patience and compassion enough to try and make this all work. To hold onto hope until she breaks things off with me.
Because, I don't know if I can break it off. I've kind of done it already.
I have to ride this out to the bitter end. Just to see if I am making another hypocrite of someone.
Like I'm so good at doing.
I miss Georgina. There was only two women I've been involved with in my life who I would describe as "good" people. Of strong moral fiber, conviction, passion and loyalty.
I can see Gina as one. Even though she bailed so unexpectedly.
I see Elizabeth as the other. Whom I took for granted.
I've only ever been involved with two good women.
In my nearly 40 years on this planet.
...
I'm tired.
I want to...
In my prayers at night, I said something that really stood out for me a while back. Normally, I would describe my day and then kind of ask for help with something. Sort of like making a wish. But I didn't wish for money, for a family, for a loving girlfriend or wife or job or anything like that.
I simply wished for God to remind me of his love.
I just want to be reminded.
I want to know that.
Because if and when I do.
Then everything else is a cakewalk.
But until then.
I will have to wait.
Perhaps someday, I will know for sure.
And it will all have been worth it.
