It came as I predicted, weeks ago, that she would have to break up with me and that I wouldn't be doing it.
I stuck it out to the bitter end. And it was bitter, alright. She wouldn't listen to a word I said. She said she was willing to work things out the day before, but changed her mind.
That girl isn't willing to work for anything.
When I think about her lack of empathy and self-awareness; I'm reminded of how it felt to be touched by her. Cold. She felt cold and.. well, I would think that empathic people are warm. They are emotionally nurturing. There is a kind of "feeling" they put out, or vibe or emotion, or whatever it is when they touch or talk to someone.
She doesn't have empathy. When she touches me, I sometimes feel like recoiling.
I re-activated my OkCupid account today while sitting in the bath. I had this urge to do so, as a thought popped in my mind that I can't really rationalize. I thought it would be too soon, but evidentally not, as I re-installed the app and..
Well.. A while ago, Trina the flea market psychic said that I would meet a blond woman who is headstrong, may be my "boss" and that there was a male figure in her family that I would need to win the respect of. Apparently this person has a dominant personality.
Firing up the OkCupid app for the first time since January, had a blond woman pop up on my screen. She's 30 years old. Pretty. And had an 83% match percentage with me. I had to send her a message.
Because, I still believe. As naive as I can get. As hopeful and hopeless as I become; I still believe good things will come to me. If that makes any sense.
I attracted Fola, somehow. That was important for ways that I can't quite understand at the moment. I suppose she was a tester. Yes, I still think.. she is my soulmate, but..
But...
Damn, man.
Why does it have to be like this?
Why do I meet women like her? Married, unable to commit. Not empathic. Not very sensitive. Certainly not caring, considerate or even nice. Although I bet she thinks she is.
Not intelligent. Not compassionate. Not interesting.
But.. there was something I really liked about her. Something.. familiar and comforting.. or maybe not comforting, but..
Just that knowing. I know her. I've known her, and I shouldn't be surprised at how this turned out.
I saw it coming for a while now.
Well.. I am not having fun at work, but I suppose thats another challenge. I have to try and keep myself centered. Not lose sight of who I am and what I want and not to allow circumstances and other people to push me off the path that I am determined to keep myself on.
Onwards. Upwards. At the moment, this is a lull. A prelude. A silence before the next note plays.
I have to figure things out, somehow, for myself. I can't being doing this type of work forever. I need to know the next step. To do something that brings out the best in me and makes me happy.
To be with someone who desires to be happy, and is able to reciprocate my attempts at making them feel that way.
I know I've tried my best with Fola, and.. I'm sure I've demonstrated my worth. In the bedroom and outside of it.
But, it wasn't good enough for her to want to change. Or to believe that what we had was worth fighting for and cultivating.
I can't.. force anyone to love me. Like I have said many times already.
And..
Well..
I want to .. I'm struggling with how to write this blog post. I really don't know the best way to let me thoughts out, other than to simply type. Type type type, and hope that something useful manages to come out.
Some kind of epiphany. Or catharsis. Maybe more the later than the former.
I am not broken-hearted, much to my surprise. Fola said that she was sure our paths would cross in th future, and I responded with, "yes, because you still owe me money."
I just didn't give a shit about our paths crossing. She tried repeatedly to say that "we" needed to work on ourselves before we could be ready for a relationship. I dislike how she made it into a "we" and not a "her". Just another way of deflecting responsibility. Or diffusing it.
She was cruel. In many little ways. Sending me pictures of her breakfast that I couldn't eat...
I don't want to bother listing out all the ways she hurt me. Some of it is in my blog.
I sent her a blog post after we said our goodbyes, and she wrote back with an apology.
So, I guess she knows that she hurt me.
But...
Fuck, man.
I won't call our time together a "waste" but it feels like it was a waste investing myself into her like I did.
I gave my life up for a woman, like I told myself I wouldn't do.
It seems that I give too much. And when that happens, I get rejected, and the other person isn't as compelled or interested as much in staying in the relationship. The intrigue is gone. The mystique stripped.
All that is left is me. My heart and soul. And that appears not to be enticing enough to want to build towards a better future, from Fola's point of view.
I watched a Ralph Smart video last week where he said, "in order to have everything, you must first not need anything."
I don't know what to think about that. When I first met Fola, I certainly had low expectations and didn't really "need" anything. I think that is what made her attracted to me in the first place.
Until, I started needing things.
But.. Doesn't everyone "need" something? Don't we all need to be loved?
Don't we need air? Food? Water?
So, we do need things. Ralph Smart. I don't think you've articulated your point very well, but I do understand what you were getting at
He who hungers for nothing, has everything.
Hmm.
Sounds like something I should tweet about.
I... had a profound connection to the divine in the first few months with Fola. Prior to meeting her and during. I think she was most intrigued by that. But.. She wore me down. All these little wounds added up and started tearing away that connection I was harboring.
I started losing faith, while I was with her. Even though I did my best to keep it.
I know I've tried my best. Even when I had reasons to be angry and upset, I didn't allow those feelings to overwhelm me.
Well, most of the time, anyways.
I've made progress, I think, in the ways that I am behaving in a relationship. And I've.. been able to insulate myself quite well in that I am not nearly as wounded now as I would have been in the past, had I met Fola last year, for instance.
That's progress.
I don't know if its an indication of a hardened heart; but, I don't think it is. I think its more an indication of growth and understanding. Growing more resilient doesn't mean I am refusing to love anyone. It only means that I can endure bullshit a lot better. And that I would have the patience to look past it. But, maybe also, that is not a good thing and I should be vocalizing my concerns immediately rather than diffusing them, so as to prevent an argument.
I think.. my journey has.. been about staying true to myself no matter what gets thrown at me. I.. need to put my foot down more when that authenticity is compromised or disrespected as it has been with Fola.
No more "rationalizing" about my feelings to the point where I've laid myself completely naked and bare, but the other person will not respond with the same amount of honesty and introspection as I have shown them. Thoughtfulness, too. I can't be with someone who is thoughtless.
I can't be with Fola, the way she is now and I don't know what the odds are of her suddenly growing into the woman that I deserve to be with.
But, I can still believe that.. there is.. something in the universe that is guiding me towards a particular outcome and I am.. while I am unsure about what it is, I know that if it is a benevolent force, that in this life or the next, I will be treated fairly and with compassion. I will be given good things, no matter what, for keeping myself as.. hopeful as I can.. for trying as much as I did.
I have to believe there is a reward at the end of the rainbow I am seeking.
No, I don't "have" to believe it.
I know there is one.
For some reason...
I feel watched over.
Protected.
Loved.
And...
...
I hesitated because "pitied" was the word that popped up.
I don't want to be pitied.
Perhaps, I am a God of my own making. Maybe... Maybe I can create the life I choose, and obviously, I can. It is within my power. But... finding someone to love and be loved by, well, that feels.. different. That's not something you can buy at a store.
But, I believe it can be earned. And in order to earn it, I have to first make myself deserving of what I want. And then.. Well, everything will fall into place.
I met Fola for a reason. I had that relationship with her for a reason.
Although I am not completely sure what that reason is. Or what I should be learning from all this.
I have hunches. But nothing really leaps out at me.
Mm.
Stay true to myself no matter what.
Maybe that is what I was being tested for. To put into practice all the things that I have learned about women, relationships and myself over the years.
Can I weather the storm? I have no choice. Either I fall apart or I keep going.
I choose to keep going.
But.. I can't stand another relationship with a hypocrite. Someone who tells me that they love me and are willing to work things out; but leaves. Gives up.
I don't know what to do about that.
Or what I have been doing wrong. If anything.
But, maybe. I was just...
Too...
Giving.
And...
Paying attention to the relationship I have with my mom, I realize that being too giving is somewhat unattractive to someone that doesn't want to be given towards. At least, not at the level I am capable of doing.
Perhaps, I just need to find a lady that is willing to be given all of who I am. And who is willing to give me all of who she is.
I...
I am stumbling right now. But it won't last. I will find a way. I will be able to stand upright again.
Everyday is an opportunity to do so. Every hour and minute is.
Every moment I take in a breath, I can choose to either be in the moment and honor truth; or to live in the past and engage in a battle within myself.
I don't want to fight myself anymore.
I want to...
Be me.
No matter what.
And damn everyone and everything that stands in the way of that.
If there is a God, he will judge accordingly.
If there is such a thing as karma, then Fola will..
I don't know.
(sighs)
Babbling, now.
Have to get to work soon.
Doesn't feel like a productive blog post, but its better than nothing.
He who hungers for nothing, has everything.
Hmm.
Okay.
