Well blog, I'm back to you again. Needing to air out some grievances.
So, to start things off, I had an almost two hour long conversation with Fola on Tuesday night that went extremely well. So well, that she masturbated and had an orgasm while talking to me, so yeah. Can't get much more "weller" than that.
And she decided to come over last night and it sucked.
Because now I'm back to the same mindset I was in, where I wanted to break up with her. And back then, I thought I was going to. But, I couldn't. I just couldn't. Not when I saw her again.
I owe her something. I know that inwardly and outwardly now, thanks to the tarot card reading that Boyd from Sundra Healing gave me. Yeah, fucking tarot cards.. But still.. Soulmate + Travel + Getting to Know Each Other, certainly wasn't a lucky coincidence. And the subsequent cards about my owing her a karmic debt.. Well.. I actually feel that I do, on some level.
See, when I took those two weeks away from her, in addition to the perspective I was gaining, I also..
Shit.. I don't know. But it made sense as to why Fola became irrationally angry with me three times in the week before I decided to break up. She couldn't explain it, and to me, I think something from a past life we've shared has to do with it.
I think I fucked up somewhere, and now I owe her for it.
Or maybe, it wasn't really my fault and I have to make her see that.
I don't know. But I joked with her at one point that she might be the reincarnation of Cleopatra, and I was Mark Antony. Does that shit actually make any sense? It kind of does, which makes the delusion all the more insidious. If in fact, it is a delusion.
It's funny, because whenever I affirm these statements, that she is Cleopatra; I don't feel any kind of resistance or "twinge" inside of me to suggest that it is false. It feels very true when I say it, and assuming that it is true, then it makes sense on a level for her to be angry with me. Given that (I'll assume again) Mark Antony must have made promises to Cleopatra about coming back alive from the war he was in, and was going to win; but he didn't win, and he killed himself. Suicide. As did she, when she found out.
In that context, this really makes sense. (sighs) Assuming reincarnation is real (I believe so), and assuming I was Mark (it seems true) and assuming she was Cleo; I can see where the animosity comes from. Lovers, promising each other the world, and it didn't work out. It ended in disaster, and someone has to take the blame for it. Someone has to take responsibility.
Or maybe, both of us have to. That's what it feels like to me. Why should I be carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders while she walks about unencumbered? Doesn't make sense.
So, yeah. She came over last night saying she was feeling "irritated" and "closed off". Sitting next to her on my couch, I could actually see how distanced she was. There was no warmth about her. No real... passion, or appreciation for being where she was. And more than once she had to tell me, "I shouldn't have come over tonight" (laughs)
That laugh/smile, killed me. What an insult that was.
Then as I probed her for why she was feeling this way, she could only answer that she was feeling "hate" and though it wasn't directed towards me, it was exuding from her regardless. Her feelings were controlling her and she allowed them to. Thinking it was necessary for some stupid reason or another.
What an irrational person she is. The night previous had us making a fantastic connection over the phone, and then she's apologizing (with a smile) about how she's feeling "resistance" to connecting with me tonight.
God, fucking women I tell you.
I know this isn't anything new. Most guys would have similar stories, I'm sure, but it's not hormonal I don't think. She's not due to start her period until next week.
And.. You can't say shit like that. "I shouldn't have come over" and then show up at the door all sour and unwilling to connect, because you feel "resistance". Come on! Put on a brave face and realize that you are infecting me with your negativity and are unwilling to help me ease your pain.
Some "soulmate" she is. She is so immature, so clueless sometimes that I feel this.. combination of grief, sadness, despair, longing and.. even fear, at times, thinking that I'm making a mistake by continuing to be involved with her.
I was thinking that the perfect analogy for our relationship, would be between a devil and an angel. I am the angel, the guy who grew up pure of heart and filled with romantic longings but pushed down by the world and past relationships to have to embrace/recognize the darker aspects of humanity. In Fola's case, she embraces the darker aspects. She wants violent sex, basically. She thinks its hot to watch me fuck some other girl. She's keen on sleeping with multiple different people, her being poly. She's...
I won't mince words. Fola is a bad person trying to be a good one.
And I must be a good person, trying to be a bad one.
What is good and bad, though? I believe you can separate them each into categories of "conductive" and "regressive" as far as personal "growth" goes. Both in this reality, and spiritually also.
Fola is a wolf, trying to become a lamb.
I'm a lamb, pretending to be a wolf.
But I actually think I'm more like a fox.. Anyways.. (sighs) fucking babbling now.
I have a hard time believing that this woman loves me, even though she has said it a few times by this point. The worst thing that happened last night was when she was leaving, and I told her I loved her.
"I know," she said.
And then fucking left.
No, "I love you too" in return.
Just barely fucking trying.
I should've kicked her out the second she smiled at me saying she shouldn't have came over.
"Alright, there's the door, go home." Instead, I sat there trying to play it off. Trying to figure out what was really going on with her. She watched some kind of psychic "attunement" video after our conversation on the phone, and said she had a strong physical reaction to it. I thought maybe that was the culprit.
Look, if this is how you're feeling today, irritated, annoyed and cruelly without empathy; then maybe you've been affected by that shit. Not everything online about "healing" and "Reiki" and "develop your psychic powers!" is actually going to be accurate and applicable to every person on the planet. Not everyone is on the same level, spiritually, as the persons who may be watching a particular video.
Some of them make shit up too. Unfortunately, there are a multitude of guilible persons the world over who are willing to buy into it. As P.T. Barnum once said, "there's a sucker born every minute."
The one thing I did wrong last night, was allowing her to carry on as she did. To take advantage of my sympathy and compassion and not even attempt to try and put a brave face on. To appreciate my company. To show some gratitude to the guy she claims to love, and to allow him to make her feel better. To allow him to help her. And if she doesn't want to be helped, then just allow him to love her and love him in return. Despite however the fuck you are feeling.
Because, I wanted to love her last night. I tried. But because I mentioned having a slight fever, she came in through the door and refused to give me a kiss, saying it was because of my fever.
Her memory must really be short, because I gave her more than enough fucking kisses when she had gonnerhea.
Guess I love her more than she loves me, and now I don't even fucking know if I love her.
What a messed up.... (sighs) my blood is boiling just relieving these memories of last night and now, as all kinds of crap is floating up from the bottom of the abyss, wanting to be acknowledged.
Well.. I'm not going to bother. And I don't think I'm going to bother emailing Fola about my concerns like I earlier thought I should be. Should I tell her everything I felt about last night and how she made me feel? NO. And why not? Because I've noticed that she is going to turn into a robot if I do. I already saw evidence of it last night when she brought me an apple fritter from Tim Horton's. Don't get me wrong, it was a nice thoughtful gesture and I appreciated it; but I can no longer tell if it was done out of sincerity, or because she felt like she "had" to get me one.
That's the thing. Tell someone you love getting X and when she starts giving you X, you have to wonder how real is actually is. The thing is, anyone can follow a list of instructions. But it's the improvised moments that speak of our truest selves. The times when we decide to give, because we want to give. Not because we think we should. It's the moments when we see something at thrift store that reminds us of the ones we love, and we buy it for them, not expecting anything in return.
It's the spontaneous show of getting them flowers every now and then. Not because we think we "have to".
SHOW me that you love me. Don't TELL me. Because words are meaningless unless acted upon.
And I'm not going to show you HOW to love me, either. Because if you can't figure it out, then I don't think you can ever love me. That's what love is supposed to be about. Learning about what makes your partner happy, and then giving that to them whenever they need it.
You don't fucking talk up a good game and rest on your laurels.
I've heard that from Gyngie all the time. And other girls, too. Always stuff like, "well I thought about baking you this and this, but I was all out of (ingrediant) so I didn't."
Wow. Who cares? Why even tell me that? It's the thought that counts? Not in my books. Could've/would've/should've doesn't mean a damn thing.
And.. (sighs) I'm supposed to go to Arizona with Fola next week..
And I'm in this sour mood now, that she left me with.
But, given the experiences I've gone through; I'm well aware of how I should be acting at this moment. Or rather not acting, but "being".
I need to BE myself. To stay true. To not live my life for another woman. And a married one, at that.
If I owe her a karmic debt, then I must learn to be patient and not make a big deal about this. But I will have to put my foot down whenever I see her acting this way.
Otherwise it can only get worse, if I allow her to get away with this.
And I don't want things to get any worse. I want them better. I want an awesome relationship with her. I want it to last for the rest of our lives.
I want her to love me.
I want to love her.
I want us together.
But...
I can't do it on my own.
And...
Fuck me...
I am so going down shit creek without a paddle.
Hmm.
But I've been through worse.
And I'll get through this.
I promise.
I know it.
I believe in a God. I believe in a divine plan. I believe this is the right person at the right time doing the right things for all the right reasons. Even if I can't see what those reasons are at the moment.
I can see an opportunity, though.
I can see myself taking the high road.
And not allow her to affect me.
Brush it all off.
Smile.
Be a man.
And walk forward with my head held high.
Plenty of other bitches in the sea.
She's just one fish of many.
And I'm prepared to live my life without her, if need be.
So...
She has more to lose than I do.
I've gone through hell enough times already.
Don't need to go there again.
I've learned everything I've needed to learn.
Now I must use it.
