(sighs)
What a life. What a time to be alive.
Yesterday, Fola and I met up for the first time in a couple of weeks.
I'm smoking right now, staring at this screen, feeling..
Kind of sad. Kind of numb. Kind of.. something else.. anger, maybe. Longing, definitely.
My fingers are having a hard time writing my thoughts. I don't know what I should be saying. I don't feel particularly eloquent right now.
Heh.. A thought just popped in. "I love her" is what it said.
Yeah, I love her.
We went to test drive a Landrover and it was an okay experience. My favorite part of the trip was feeling Fola's fingers run over my hand as I touched her shoulder while she was in the passenger seat talking with the salesman.
Such a good feeling.
(sighs)
I am.. I was going to say that I am an idiot, but...
I know I'm .. (sighs)
Maybe I am an idiot.
Fola and I had an intense relationship. Fola has some serious things that are wrong with her that I haven't seen in anyone else I've dated before. I don't think.
I see this lack of warmth in her, this inability to really let go and trust me with her intimate thoughts and feelings. I see this.. void within her. This.. hole that needs to be filled. I see some kind of..
(sighs) ..
My fingers aren't cooperating. I am trying to write as honestly and truthfully to my feelings as possible. To get my thoughts down exactly as they arrive inside my head and.. there is this hesitation someplace. Or this.. weariness, maybe, that is making this difficult.
I love that woman.
When she pulled up at the dealership while I was waiting for her.. that hug we exchanged. That kiss.
That kiss was so..
Perfect.
I overanalyze things. I fixate on stuff that people don't really pay attention towards. I really enjoy the.. background processes. The smells. The sensations. The touching. Hearing the tone of a voice.
Feeling.. Feeling present. And alive. And.. wrapped up snugly in this.. blanket of two souls.
I didn't feel like I would miss her until I saw her again. Until I touched her hand again.
Everytime I get mad at Fola. Every time she upsets me or takes me for granted, all it takes is.. a smile. A touch. A kiss. And I seem to forget everything.
I am such a sucker. I need ... I can't just let bad things slide, because if I do, then bad things will continue to happen.
I was taken for granted and betrayed enough times by her. I should know by this point that she can't be trusted. I should know that she..
Fuck, man.
Anyways.. Despite how well it went yesterday morning, we.. hit a wall later on in the day when she sent me a journal entry of her Access Bar/Reiki experience at Sundra Healing. One of the things that she mentioned was how Boyd, the practicioner, told her about how she "sucked out all his energy" at the end of the session, and I commented on that. I said, "so he called you an energy vampire" and..
Well, that was all it took for us to start arguing again.
Such a small thing I thought. Such a throwaway comment I made, and she got.. well, she didn't get upset right away, but the texting was spiraling once I said that. She then.. Well.. somehow it became escalated, and she became upset.
I was.. just..
Being me.
I didn't mean to insult or hurt her feelings. But.. I couldn't quite apologize either for what I said. I said what I felt was truthful. And.. I am not convinced that Fola isn't an energy vampire, because when I Googled "energy vampire", I got this:
Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective. They often lack empathy.Nov 14, 2013
And I was like.. That's her. That actually is Fola.
I have to face the facts. She does have trouble seeing things from my perspective. Even when I go into such a ridiculous amount of detail about what my thoughts and feelings are. Laying myself completely bare before her. She still doesn't "get it" and ..
Man.. I don't know.
She is emotionally immature. When we met, she was proud about labelling herself as "non-monogamous" and a "relationship anarchist" but then... She was monogamous while with me. She did change her views.
I think. But, I don't know for sure. She hasn't told me anything about what her current position is on the subject. She doesn't share herself as deeply towards me as I do. She doesn't seem to really know what her opinions are, and that is what makes the relationship so frustrating.
How.. can I be with someone who doesn't know what she wants or what she believes in?
Seriously. At first, she wanted love and romance. She got that. Great sex. She got that too. Emotional support, excitement, passion, compassion.
She was given all those things by me, and... Somehow it stopped being appreciated. It wasn't enough.
And I didn't like how she.. dismissed my efforts. I still remember us taking a bath together and she wanted to leave after a short time, then wanted a massage, then engaged in lukewarm sex that she didn't want to have in the first place.
And didn't express any gratitude for what I doing.
I don't know what I'm doing wrong.
I don't know what I should be fixing about myself.
I only know that I can't trust someone who says she is willing to work things out and then wants a break up the next day. The NEXT DAY.
It is such a disconnect from reality. From principles that should be honored. There is no integrity within that woman.
But, fuck.
As bad as .. No. As.. Immature and...
I can't seem to think right now.
Today we somehow got into another argument and that was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to really express the things that were bothering me and she dismissed it all. She didn't...
She didn't really.. want this relationship to work.
I keep wondering if I'm asking for too much. I realized today that I'm.. I made myself vulnerable, and my vulnerability is not attractive in the least.
Now I know to be more careful about it. I need to shelter it because..
Nobody is as sensitive as I am. She couldn't relate to me. She wouldn't give me any assurances. There was no interest in her to try and work through our issues.
I spent the last two hours in bed listening to this heart chakra video playing at 528hz. For some reason, this frequency is associated with DNA repair and healing.
I'm not completely convinced it is, but it was a good experience nonetheless. It felt peaceful to lay in bed, as still as possible, with my hands over my heart and my thoughts loose and quiet.
That was the most interesting part of it all to me. My thoughts were quiet. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't thinking much about anything. Just being. Just existing.
Healing myself, I suppose. Instinctively.
Paying attention to my thoughts, I can still feel her entering them. Popping up and making me feel regretful. I feel this.. disappointment run through me. This wondering of how our future could be like, if only she did X and didn't do Y.
I know I can't control or coerce anyone to change, but I seem.. I don't seem to be able to believe that.
I feel that..
I'm understanding now what my role in this soulmate relationship was. My job was to show Fola what a loving relationship looks like. What sex looks like within a loving relationship. What a loving person is supposed to resemble.
And I succeeded with that. I showed her the best of myself.
Now, she probably has a different opinion on things. She now knows what the potential is for a loving relationship and what it involves.
And that's a good thing. Even if we can't seem to get along with each other without resorting to personal attacks and hurt feelings.
Fola now knows what love looks like, I suppose. I did love her. I really did.
I still do.
And.. Though she doesn't..
Man.. It doesn't matter.
I've given it my best. And at the end, I dumped my deepest thoughts onto her. She then suggested I go see a counselor.
I felt.. like she dismissed my concerns when she said that. I felt like she turned it into a "it's not me, it's you" situation where she doesn't have to admit responsibility. Although she has.
But.. she..
She doesn't...
Feel like it was her fault. That's the hurtful part. Yes, it was her fault for us arriving at this point. It was her that got angry with me for no reason three times in one week. It was her fault for wanting to sit by Ryan instead of with me and making me feel unloved and rejected. It was her fault for doing the same thing with that guy on the plane whom she sat by, rather than with me. It was her fault for making eyes at the guy in the tiger shirt or Ryan, and forgetting that I was right there, feeling like I didn't matter to her.
It was her fault she turned down sex and then..
Fuck, man. I'm not going through the list.
I know it was her fault for the way everything ended up as. All I've done wrong, was that I dropped my guard and had high expectations. I really thought we were going to be building a life together. But she wasn't interested in doing so. At least that is how it appeared to me.
My soulmate wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me, and I was, and I.. got too invested in this. I fucked up by taking it too seriously. Asking for too much when I really should have stuck to my guns and held true to my principles. I should have not..
(sighs)
I still don't really know what I've done wrong. I don't.. think I..
Maybe..
No. I did nothing wrong. I was being myself, and she loved who I am when we first met.
Until she stopped loving it. And began creating drama.
It didn't matter how many times I forgave her for it. It didn't matter how hard I was trying.
Didn't matter how good our connection was.
She still kept creating drama. She still kept taking me and our relationship for granted.
I sound like a broken record repeating things like "you've taken me for granted" over and over to her without anything coming out of it.
But that is exactly what happened. She took me for granted. She took us for granted. She didn't invest as much of herself into us. She didn't fully trust our connection or my intentions.
I gave her all the assurances in the world, and she gave me very little in return.
I don't care about gifts. I just want to see action. I want to see her intentions being made known. But she didn't know what her intentions were. She just wanted to be given something beautiful.
And not give anything beautiful in return.
So.
I've done nothing wrong.
I've given her my everything.
And now, here I am.
My blog... *hugs* I really am thankful for you being here to listen to me. As pathetic as it sounds, you've helped me by listening to my words without judgement. You've given me a shoulder to cry upon. You've always been here, waiting for my thoughts. For my words to be impressed upon you.
I am so fucking lonely that I am treating my blog like it is a friend.
(sighs)
But it is.
And I already know that "friend" is me.
My blog is me.
And I love who I am.
No matter what.
And... I am going to keep loving who I am.
Until I find someone that loves me too.
Well, life.
Let's see what you'll be throwing at me next.
