Seems like a recurring theme on this blog for the past few months. Every time I post, has to do with how negative I have been feeling about my relationship with Fola.
And this post, is no different.
Last night we went to see Alien: Covenant, and it sucked. I didn't enjoy it. The best parts of the movie for me, was when I was holding Fola's hand.
Then afterwards, as I expected her to be coming over to my place, she started talking about how she had to borrow her husband's car because she couldn't start her own (dead battery) and that she would feel guilty if she stayed over at my place, and her husband doesn't have a vehicle for whatever emergency that could possibly happen. That's understandable, but after a long week of weak, unenthusiastic texts (from me) and with the way she didn't take sex seriously last time she was over, and how she... (sighs) I can go on and on and it won't make any difference.
I'm tired, man. It has been nothing but.. disappointment after disappointment with this woman. And I hesitate to use the term woman, when her maturity level doesn't reflect someone who understands themselves and how to relate to others.
Last night, as I came home from the theatre, feeling saddened; I just went to bed, knowing that it was another night of being alone, even though I thought she was going to be with me. And, she texted me as I was settling in and I didn't want to respond. She mentioned that it was a dead battery, as I suggested, and I didn't care enough to comment. I just wanted to shut her out from my mind and go to sleep. Then she called at midnight, probably about the car, and...
It's obvious. I don't have any excitement left for her. Fola has demonstrated more than enough times that she isn't ready or willing or feeling like our relationship is going anywhere. She...
I feel like tears are coming on.. I can go into so much detail about why she is wrong for me, that it feels pointless to do so.
Yeah.. There's a tear.. welling up as I type. Both eyes.
I am tempted to call myself a loser. A failure. But.. I know in my heart that I.. I've done my best and it wasn't good enough to inspire her to do the same.
I've felt those feelings before with others, too. It's familiar. Not getting what I need or want. Not having the image of my ideal relationship match up with reality. Not feeling loved, or respected, or wanted.
Just...
Emptiness.
Sadness.
And a part of me knows that I deserve.. No, ALL of me knows that I deserve someone special, and I can't help but think of Gina again. And knowing how much I blown that.
I..
I am going back to work on Thursday, and I imagine that my focus is going to be even less on Fola than it is now, and I don't see why she would be interested in seeing me once I'm in this mode of thinking. Because, I am not going to try as hard with her as I have. I am not going to ... excite her, and I am expecting something even more dilluted than it already is.
And, it's not all my fault. That's the part I need to accept and understand. This is not all my fault. I've gone above and beyond. I went the extra mile. I've cherished her. Forgiven her. Respected her. Did all the things that I felt was expected of me, even when I didn't want to. I did it because I thought I loved her. I did it because I.. wanted this all to work. But.. I can't do it all on my own, and I can't take responsibility for this failure when I know that I have tried my best. Multiple times. And have very little, if anything, to be apologizing for.
There was a documentary I watched on Netflix about sex and technology. "Hot Girls Wanted" and it was an episode about this 40-year old guy who "ghosts" the women that he dates. Basically, fucks them and leaves them hanging, so he can hook up with another 20-something year old, and repeat the process.
The guy had little shame or concern about what he was doing, and I was reminded of how horrible online dating really is. I found myself nodding at the various points made throughout. That people just don't want to work at relationships anymore, and that they bail when things get too tough, thinking that there's always someone better or easier to get along with, around the corner.
I don't want to go back to dating again. I hate it. I don't want to be the 40 year old guy still going out on dates when I should be with a family. With a woman that loves and supports me and brings out the best of who I am. And appreciates it. And reciprocates.
But.. I am not with that woman, right now. Fola potentially can be that woman, but she's not.
She's not.
And.. I am hanging onto hope. Onto potential. And, I don't know if its worth doing anymore. Why should I cast pearls before swine? I've done it for months now, and...
I deserve better.
Fola and I had great chemistry. Great sex. Great conversations. And, it was mainly it seems, due to me. As immodest as that sounds. I made all that happen, because I was happy and excited and wanting to make it work.
Well, it all wasn't good enough. Fola.. I don't know man. I'm thinking she should be cut some slack, but I'm so observant of the small things she does and says; that I don't think she should be cut any slack at all.
She barely tries. And only when I get upset, is when she seems to want to do anything.
That's.. I don't want a relationship with a robot. Where this thing has to follow my instructions in order to keep me happy. I want to stop thinking about the latest drama with her. I want to focus on building a good life for myself and not have this girl on my mind all the time. Crowding out the thoughts that would help me build that life I'm after. I spend far too much time thinking about someone that doesn't deserve so much of the attention that I've given her up until this point. I hate the sound of that, like she "owes" me for all I've done; but, I've done so much, and have gotten back so little. And.. that's what a good relationship is supposed to be. Two people in love, who continually works towards making the relationship better. Making each other better. Not just one person who is doing that, while the other is prone to expressions of being ungrateful and inconsiderate and insensitive.
I can see...
No.. I can't see the future. It would be arrogant for me to predict it.
But, it seems like I will have to give up on her at some point, if things carry on the way they are.
I can't.. live my life for another woman. I want to, but not her. It has to be someone deserving and appreciative.
Someone kind. Loving. Thoughtful. Sensual. Fun. Silly. Smart. Spiritual.
That's the person I'd want to give my life towards.
To build a future with.
Not a married woman who incites all this drama, and makes me feel more like I'm being used, than being loved.
And... there's no.. indication or interest from her, regarding our future it seems. I'm pretty one-sided in how I express that. And wanting to work towards achieving it.
She's 30 years old, and I'm still not sure if its just her personality or immaturity that is standing in the way of all this. Maybe it's both. Maybe she still has a long ways to go before realizing how to be able to fully love someone, and to want to make them happy. Her ego... (sighs) her ego is ridiculous. I don't think she questions...
I'm tired. I don't feel like writing anymore. I've already written enough. You can see how much this woman is negatively consuming my thoughts, when I want to harbor good thoughts and good feelings.
Not these sad ones.
And.. I am well aware that I might be too demanding of what I expect from a relationship, but I don't think I am. I think the minimum I'm willing to accept, is a grateful and appreciative lady to be with. She does not express gratitude or appreciation very well. Hardly ever.
I just feel used. Like a toy. This thing that distracts her for a little while, and then she can go home. To her husband. Her daughter. Her dog.
Her life. Of which I don't feel like I'm an important part of.
I'd love to see her every day. To see her daughter every day. Even her dog, but I can't.
And she doesn't.. I don't know.. I don't know if she wants to see me every day either. She..
(sighs)
Yeah. It doesn't feel like she loves me.
I don't feel loved.
So.
What now?
I am..
I don't think I can break this off.
I need to ride this as far as it will go, and to have her break up with me.
I told her before that this relationship was going to be a struggle, and I was right. For so many different reasons.
But..
It still feels like there is something I need to learn from her, before I can part ways.
It still feels like a test that I am taking. And haven't yet passed or completed.
So.
Guess I'll have to wait and see. If and when the break up happens, it'll likely be her idea.
And then I can move forward confidently, knowing that I have tried. That I haven't given up.
I still remember my earlier blog posts, about how I excited I was to have met my soulmate.
...
She...
She's my..
(sighs)
Dream.
And that's all it seems to be, right now.
Until something in her changes.
Well blog.
It's been a crazy life.
I don't see the craziness ending anytime soon.
