Welp. Same old, same old. Got back from spending a week in Arizona last night with Fola, and...
(sighs)
I really don't know what to make of our relationship. I really don't.
It pains me to even think about it. Whenever I get pictures of her and her family having fun, and texts telling me about a BBQ and waffle cones, and whatever other random thing and I'm not there and then I get another text with a, "how come you aren't here?" as if I was invited in the first place and I wasn't; and another text that is completely oblivious to my reply text about how I do want to be there, and that her telling me these things were torturing me.
She brushed that off, of course. My question was, "what else is there that you can torture me with?" and she replies with, "touching myself".
It sucks, man. It.. man...
I want a family. I don't want to waste time waiting around with this girl. I want to move forward. I want to live with a wife and child.
But, fate has decided otherwise, it seems and instead I'm forced to suck this all up and pretend like it doesn't matter. Even though I rarely pretend about it, I certainly do keep my sorrow to myself, because who needs to hear that shit? I've said it enough times to Fola already, but I suspect its a flavor-of-the-moment sort of deal where she listens to it once, and then never puts it in her mind ever again. Or so infrequently, that it doesn't matter.
And her lack of modesty.. Geez. Compliment her, and I basically get a "I know" sort of reply. Nothing humble about that girl at all. And for someone who claims to be wanting unconditional love; it seems very unfair that she is more about receiving it, than giving it, which kind of makes the whole situation of her like this sort of vampirism. Where I'm getting the blood sucked out of me, and not getting anything much in return. Or at least anything in proportion to what I'm putting out.
Not even basic consideration. Fola keeps asking me questions about why I get jealous when I see her talking to other men. First of all, I'm not particularly jealous. It had more to do with the way she would stand off to the side of me, and pretend like I'm not there most of the time. You'd think a good girlfriend would take notice, and stand besides me. Maybe hold my hand. Give me a reassuring touch, or look, as she's chatting up with some random dude with this big beaming smile on
And of course, all this like I don't exist.
On the flight back, Fola decided it was more important that she stayed seated with some other guy rather than sit next to me. And she wonders why I'm "jealous"..
Fuck, man. This is not the kind of relationship I want. This is..
I'm not sure what this is supposed to be. A test? That's the only way I can look at it. Is it a long-term thing and will there be a light at the end of the tunnel with Fola, or no? Or should I actually be putting myself back out there, and try to find someone else who isn't as immodest, selfish, ignorant and inconsiderate?
But, man. I do love that woman. Not in the kind of way that I would expect a romantic relationship to be, but this love where its like.. I know her. I know her deeply. Even from before I was born, I knew exactly what kind of a person she is.
And a part of me is telling me to hang on. To stick it out and see what happens. Maybe she will realize things. Maybe she will change. Maybe she will understand that to get love, you first have to give it. You have to be able to understand what love is, and appreciate it, and work towards maintaining good relations, because it never should be a one-sided thing. She knows I'm single. |She knows I'm monogamous. She knows how badly I want a family, a wife, a child.
She knows she doesn't treat me as well as she should. She knows all these things, and sometimes the guilt does get to her, and she sometimes does make up for certain things.
But, she hardly does. She's so self-centered. So.. Immature. Which is expected, being that she is 30 years old and I am 39.
Nine year age difference.
Best sex ever.
Fantastic chemistry.
We're both intensely curious about the world.
We both want to realize our spiritual potential. We both want unconditional love.
And yet, it feels like I'm a spectator standing off to the side of her life. I'm just this distraction she comes to every now and then before she has to go home to her husband, her child, her dog, her house.
Fuck, man.
I am a pitiful, lonely fucking human being. My blog has chronicled some of the pains I've gone through to get to where I am now. This yearning has been a constant of mine, to love another and to feel loved by them. To settle down. To learn from all the mistakes and missteps I've made so that I can come back stronger, and better equipped to deal with the challenges that relationships present.
Sex so good, that Fola stopped me in the middle of it and asked me why I was still single and where I picked up my "skills"/
It's really simple. I'm single because I haven't been able to find the right woman for me. And my "skills" has to do with my being sensitive, and eager to please.
So eager to please, that I had to slap, choke and insult her. Because she wanted me to. Because she feels some sort of guilt about the way I am around her. The things I do for her. It's like she knows she doesn't deserve any of it, and so I have to abuse her in order to balance things out.
(sighs) what a fucking joke this all is.
I don't want to do these kind of things with my wife. Fola tried to tell me that I liked doing these things, in the same way that Gyngie tried to suggest and both of them are wrong. I don't like doing these things. What I do like, is making my partner happy. And if its abuse that they want, then it is abuse that they get. But I don't enjoy any of that shit. I only enjoy it when I know that they enjoy it, and thats not a difficult thing to wrap their minds around.
Why.. God.. why. Why am I.. why do I attract such difficult women into my life? Such unfathomable women, too, like the ones who break up at the drop of a hat just when I think things are going extremely well between us?
My mother told me the same thing. "You attract so many wrong women into your life."
And I had to agree with her. I do. And maybe its because I need those women so that I can learn from each one of them.
What am I learning from Fola? That hypocrisy is something.. something that I dislike very much in another human being. And at the same time, I can't let myself get riled up whenever she contradicts herself or acts in a way that doesn't mesh with her claim of "loving" me.
I can't trust that woman. She's... She can leave at any time. Her moods change daily. Sometimes hourly. One minute she's the perfect woman, the next, she's this detached vampire that I can't help but want to get close to, in the hopes that she will turn things around.
I spent two weeks without her at one point, and she claims she cried frequently about it.
But, boy, was that ever a short memory, because I haven't seen much in the ways of gratitude for my reappearance afterwards. Yeah, I mean for the first little while I felt appreciated again, but it didn't take long for things to go back to the way they were.
I'll be honest. Fola has been trying, here and there. It's not much, but she does try. And when she does, I feel this hope of mine renewing itself and I immediately know that I have enough faith in her to last until the next time she starts taking me for granted and throws these daggers at me in all the small ways she seems oblivious about.
"Why aren't you here with me now?"
"I will have to bake you something." (never does)
"Want to meet up? ;)" and then when I suggest being interested in doing so, she claims she's tired.
Yeah.. I'm tired too. So tired of this instability. This unpredictability. This madness that Fola seems wrapped up in.
Does she want to be with me, or not? Am I wasting my time or should I be more patient? Is she sincere whenever she says she loves me, or is she only saying that because she thinks its something I need to hear?
Is she going to get divorced? Will...
I'm so tired man. I hate those questions. I hate thinking so much about all this. I never thought I'd be involved in anything like this. This.. basically a consensual affair with a married woman.
A married woman.
Her husband is fine with us going on vacation together, and us having sex.
What a fucked up world this is.
Argh.
But I know I can survive this. Just like I've survived worse things.
I am a survivor, and this is definitely a test.
At what point will I cut things loose with her? I don't know. Or even if I should. Or if I will.
But one thing I do know I have to do, is to try and be myself. To put myself first. To be unaffected by the contradictory ways Fola behaves and believes. I need to always hold onto myself, and nurture the parts that I love most.
My masculinity is under fire, and I must do all that I can to keep my shield up as each new day arrives, and new interactions with Fola has me bending this way and that. Trying to keep from snapping in half.
(sighs) I feel so ineloquent in all that I am writing here. Its deep. She and I are meant for each other, and yet..
I don't know. I wish I could see the future, but maybe its good that I can't.
This could all end in tragedy or bliss. Who the hell knows.
But I do know it will end one way or another, and I have to be patient and to have faith that I am being guided towards good things whether or not Fola is going to be by my side once they come.
I need to keep strong. Authentic. Genuine. Wise. Empathic. Patient.
All these things and more.
*sighs*
Well..
I'm still glad to have met her.
Even if...
She's...
I'm tired, man. I can't even finish this post properly.
We look so good together in pictures.
Trip was fun. Had a fight halfway through it. Came back. Gave her the best sex of her life.
And now we're both home. In our regular lives. Doing what we were doing before.
Nothing really has changed, it seems to me.
I don't know man.
I wish things would.
