The Life I'm Working For

It's been almost a week since I last posted, and as usual, the rollercoaster climbs and dips on its way to an unseen destination. Well, perhaps not unseen if you would be willing to use death as an ending point, but that is too morbid to acknowledge.

So, nothing really happened with Fola and Amway. She didn't exchange any numbers, and didn't offer much in the way of details. We made up, and I really don't care anymore what she does.

I think it's ridiculous how easily we make up. There was a shouting match we had over the phone on Friday when I texted her this long message about how I felt and what I was thinking about. She was angry at what I thought were valid concerns of mine, and I stood my ground, yelling over her diversionary tactics and shifting of blame. She then texted me after the conversation, "I really want o fuck you right now."

Ridiculous. I can see where this is going with us. She is enthralled by whenever I step into my power and speak the honest truth of my heart. I can see why that is. I can see why that would be an aphrodisiac.

It was another good weekend with us. Sex twice in one day. She had weed, and I didn't. Had a bath, watched Ghost in the Shell which wasn't very good. An episode of Black Mirror. Did a bit of Reiki together.

And last night, I have to give her credit for getting me out of my comfort zone. There was a Reiki share event going on, where you would show up and give Reiki to a stranger and receive the same from them. It was interesting. I thought it went well.

There was this blond lady that I looked at as we were pairing and had the urge to ask if she was willing to give and receive. She smiled and looked at me saying yes, and so we did.

In the hallway before we entered each of our rooms, Fola said to me that she wanted to do an hour long session, giving and getting, for a total of two hours. I was aghast. For an inexperienced Reiki practioner of Reiki, I had no idea how I was going to make it to the half hour mark, let alone an entire hour. I was annoyed with her immediately, thinking how inconsiderate she was for me to have to be in here this long when she initially told me it would be a half hour giving/receiving.

Thankfully, my partner didn't want the full hour either, and we settled on 45 minutes.

Still, man. 45 minutes is a long freakin' time for someone who at most, did Reiki for a half hour with his girlfriend. In an unorthodox way.

We go into the room, and immediately she asks me to lie down. I spent the first twenty minutes or so fighting off these negative emotions I was having about Fola and how she didn't think to consider that I was going to be stuck there for a half hour after I'm done without my car or my vape or any way to kill time.

There was this classical cd playing also, that I found annoying. It was bright and jumpy and totally not conducive to a relaxing experience. I wish I had selected a better CD instead of hitting play on what was already in there. Oh well.

The lady did her thing, and I was intimidated by how many different positions she was using. She moved her hands around six times on just my head alone. I was trying to keep track of which ones they were so I could duplicate them on her when it would be my turn. Spent those first twenty minutes not in a relaxed state at all, but in annoyance at the music, Fola, and feeling nervous.

As I said, twenty minutes in had me finally relaxing and I.. just realized that this was not the way to be thinking or feeling during a moment like this. There was no reason for me not to be able to let everything go and surrender, so I did my best to try to not dwell on those negative emotions.

It was nice. Her hands were hot and I was surprised at how good it felt when she cupped my ears at one point. Thinking that maybe it will benefit my hearing somewhat. I know, a little naive, but Reiki is intended to be a healing modality after all. Hearing restoration/improvement is not outside the realm of possibility.

When it came to my turn, we put on a more interesting CD which had this lady making "ooh"ing sounds with some strings in the background. That was a huge improvement. I sat behind her, appealing towards the powers that be, to give this lady what she needed and to forgive my inexperience and nervousness.

That did the trick. I spent a lot of time on her head, just zoning out and thinking about random things. Not really thinking, but feeling, really. I envisioned the dog I would like to own someday. An English Sheepdog, and imagined it as a small puppy running around barking with its tail wagging. I thought about my little sister Samantha, who once looked at me with a smile and said that she loves me. I thought about the way Gina and I would smile at each other, and...

I then realized that I didn't have a lot of happy moments or thoughts to draw from, and it saddened me.

In writing this, a part of me wants to stop and forget about it. I don't really want to write. I can't explain why that is. My output has really dropped off significantly from how it was in the past where I would be excited about the novel I'm working on.

I can't help but think its because of my relationship that has shifted my energies from being creative and optimistic, to reserved and nervously cautious.

There is a part of me that thinks writing all this down is a waste of time. That it... there is nothing interesting being said because I didn't find the events of last night all that interesting. And... I have to admit that its tough to swallow. I miss how I was. How I...

Yeah. I feel this now. Words used to drip easily from my fingers and I would put them together in a way that I myself would enjoy reading, now I think I'm just killing time.

Watched a new video from Ralph Smart this morning about "instantly" finding your life purpose, and I realized that I haven't found it. Still haven't discovered it.

The points he was raising in the video was to do what you love and the money will follow. That's the overall arc of it. Surround yourself with supportive and loving people, and find work that you feel passionate about.

Easier said than done, Ralph.

I am fighting the urge to end this blog post. I don't want to write any further because I don't like what I am saying. I don't feel empowered or illuminated for having done this. It almost feels like I am mocking and holding myself in a bad light for having confessed thoughts that do not elevate or inspire or make me feel like I've made any progress in reporting. But there is progress. There is illumination.

Inspiration is up to me.

Well... I think I will end this short right now. I don't want to dig deep within myself to pull out the ugliness that I know is lurking in there. I don't need or want to confront it right this moment. I need to... come to terms with who I am and accept myself fully. Again. Repair the damage and come back to the way I was. A man in love with life, with who he is, and excited to be a part of the world.

It's the only way to be.

I have to figure out the type of life that I am working for.

Otherwise, I will suffer hard if I don't.

And...

I have many things to offer. Monetizing them is another matter.

And I know I will discover the solution. Somehow. Someday.

It will come to me in a flash, and I will run with it.

And Mr. Mugs will be mine.

Someday.

Spiritual Abuse

Hello blog, last post got cut off because Fola arrived at my place.

Those prayers of mine were answered. Compassion, Clarity, Wisdom, Strength and Sexuality; in more ways than I expected.

After she arrived, we sat down for a talk about my email. The one where I complained and expressed concerns about various subjects. The conversation went decent enough. I don't remember the details given that it has been a few days already since it took place.

What I do remember is the energy between us. There was something about how I was feeling and expressing that she strongly resonated with. We were sitting on the couch listening to music from her phone and I felt this... independence I suppose would be the word. This feeling that my energy is my own and that I was cautious and prudent with how it was being exchanged with her.

This attitude of mine really went the distance and created another new milestone for us. We were kissing, touching each other and it came to a point where she looked me in the eye asking if I was doing "sexual magic" which made me laugh inwardly as I thought about it and said, "yes, of course I am."

The funny thing about all that is that I did buy a book titled "The Art of Sexual Magic" by Margo Anand. Didn't get to read much beyond the beginning few pages where she discussed the history of magic, its definition and how she came about becoming an "expert" in the subject of sexual magic. Most interesting thing so far was how she isolated herself in a dark room with earplugs and nothing but water and grapes for seven days and nights straight. Crazy. Isolation to the extreme, but this apparently has given her the means to go inward and really learn things about herself. I can relate.

So when Fola was in the throes of an "energetic" orgasm with me, she asked that question and I realized that yes, I was doing magic. Not with any real technique, but from an intuitive standpoint I knew exactly what was going on. The best way I can describe it would be to imagine surfing a wave without having taken lessons in surfing and not knowing what to expect.

The rest of the night was a magical experience. Sex, of course, was had. The next day had her being "obsessed" with me.

Not a surprise given how incredible our evening was.

And so, today, I'm at another low point with her. There is so much strangeness with us. So much animosity (mostly on my part in the past while) that I cannot understand why I am so... upset with her. I mean, I can intellectually break down my concerns into pieces that seem valid and legitimate and can point to them as a reason for my being angry and annoyed; but that is not the whole story. To me, it almost feels like we have to be abusive towards each other. On this deep, primeval level that neither of us can properly articulate.

Yesterday things were... Okay, here is what happened. She invited me over for sex, basically, in the morning. After how incredible it was with us and her energy orgasm; I can see why she would be excited to have me over for more of the same.

But, here is the part that annoyed me. I was being used. There was little given to me that warranted my putting in the effort that I did on Sunday night with us. She had the expectation in her mind that something similar would happen, but did not think she had any responsibility for how it would turn out. That's the part that bugs me. Again, its hard to articulate, but the gist of it was that she wanted the same type of gratification I gave her on Sunday, but without having to make it worth my while.

I understand that this sounds like a condition, a demand, and while it wasn't consciously stated that I expected her to exchange something of value; it certainly was implicit in how I felt about the whole thing. I keep thinking that she doesn't "get" why certain things happen the way they do. To me, its simple, I helped make it happen. So does she. When she acts in a certain way, I feel compelled to act a certain way also. When she shows genuine appreciation for my efforts, things go up another level. When she takes me for granted, things get taken down a few notches and frustrates/annoys/irritates her.

It's the theme of our relationship. Give me something as valuable as I have been giving you, and more valuable things will follow. At least that is how I am looking at it. Treat me with me respect, appreciation and attempt to try and make me happy; and I will take you to levels of awareness and pleasure that you have never experienced before, and may never will.

I realize how pompous and immodest that all sounds, but its true. Last night I got upset with her for a number of reasons. Chief among them is that she is going to this Worldwide Group seminar/lecture/indoctrination/brainwashing, and asked me if I could look after her daughter Ivy while she goes. I didn't commit to that, and she knows how I feel about her walking into the lion's den to be propositioned towards and made to become a part of this inclusive community that is all about supporting each other's business efforts, which btw, is basically about recruiting more people so that they can...

Fuck, man. I don't need to get into details. It's Amway, basically. Worldwide Dreambuilders Group or whatever has its roots in MLM scammy B.S. where the 1% (diamonds) are making money while the 99% is hustling like mad to try to sell shitty products or to recruit others so they can climb the ladder and realize the dream of working from home, or not working at all, and enjoying "passive" income.

I... still don't want to get into details. Just thinking about it burns me up. Thinking that my girlfriend is this gullible, naive and ignorant partner, doesn't sit well with me. I told her I'd support whatever efforts she feels passionate and informed about; but she is NOT informed about any of this. Her parents were once involved with Amway and didn't do well. She mocked them at one point, for having inventory they were trying to unload that nobody wanted to buy. Some kind of portable anti-rape alarm device that makes a loud ass noise to scare away rapists.

I want to respect this woman, but I don't. I asked her if she googled this organization to learn more about how it works; she didn't. All she's done was watch these videos her friend sent her about how great it is to have passive income and that it makes sense to buy products from "your own store" rather than to spend money elsewhere. All kinds of garbage about how great Amway is and how it makes sense to start your own "business" and get others involved, that its the wave of the future and so much money is to be had, etc. Fola told me about how much she liked the salesman's "energy" in those videos and how it all made sense, etc.

Ugh. I can't handle this level of naive ignorance. I can't. I was involved with MLM reps before as my blog testifies. I can't respect people who go along with the idea thinking that their friends and family wouldn't mind being solicited and told to buy products from them, etc. Products that are often twice the price than they would be at retail, with equal or less quality than what is available in a brick and mortar store.

12 bucks for hand cream? That's a good deal? At half price I can buy something that is considered top-tier and is dermatologist recommended, etc. Why should I overpay for something of inferior quality? Why should anyone prefer to do so and how can money be made through commission fees if these are the products being offered?

The business model is basically a pyramid scheme. Except because that there are products, it skirts the legal definition of a scheme and becomes this winky "we're not really out to scam you" company that is, basically, all about taking advantage of others and instilling this cult-like mentality into its members. Teasing them with the dream of being wealthy and able to retire early in life.

It's a nice dream, but a naive one. At least as far as the approach they take, goes. When Fola was describing everything to me from how she was initially approached for this idea, to the seminar and the "mentorship" and the books; and.... fuck, man. I kept thinking that this is so TEXTBOOK brainwashing. The formula is being followed almost exactly like it has been with me, and that guy that lead me to Robin, and the other stories I read about on the net.

And she... doesn't respect my concerns about it at all.

And that's not all I got upset about with her. Over the phone, she was talking about how she doesn't know about us going to Cuba anymore. But she still wants to go. I...

God, it burns me up.

Not that I care so much about the trip, but the hypocrisy. The way she shifts the goalposts around and makes excuses and doesn't make the effort to go in the direction of us realizing something we agreed to be doing at a certain time/date.

Now that she has money (soon), she decided she's going to focus on being more responsible and less impulsive and...

Man it burns me up.. I hate typing this. Anyways, she triggered me with certain phrases. One of the was, "I want to spend more time with my daughter" and then hypocritically has someone watching her daughter while she impulsively and recklessly goes off to this Worldwide Group presentation. That's being responsible and spending time with your daughter?

Yeah, okay.

And there were other things that triggered me. How she said we make decisions together. We don't make decisions together. I brought up an example of how I was persuaded by a rational argument by her against my purchasing a particular item (a severely discounted alarm clock that monitors your sleep patterns/breathing/etc for ten bucks down from 50) and I made mention that this wasn't being reciprocated whenever I express a rational concern in the same way that she did with me. I was willing to be persuaded, she was and is not willing to be the same with me.

And that is another crux of our relationship. I'm the one that is trying to improve things with us. I do try. I buy flowers. I give her "energy" orgasms. I try and be rational and reasonable and caring and patient while she goes off and does whatever she feels like. There is no unity between us. When we set a goal for something like taking a trip and she doesn't live up to her end of the deal, it sucks. I can forgive an unseen obstacle that may delay or postpone a particular goal; but I can't forgive someone who strings me along with these expectations and dreams and then does nothing to act upon them. At some point plane tickets have to be purchased. At some point, arrangements have to be made for who will look after her daughter for three days while we're gone. She didn't take any of those steps. Didn't inform me as to whether or not she was saving money. I had to tell my parents who were waiting to go with us, that I had no idea what progress she was making as far as the trip goes. She wouldn't update me on anything. She didn't tell me she was trying to save money, to work extra overtime, to see if she can make arrangements for her daughter, etc. I had to basically tell my parents that I didn't know either if this trip was going to happen or not because I have been told nothing. And when nothing is being done on her end, then there is no way to plan ahead for something like this.

And... yeah. This isn't the only example of her creating false expectations in me. Agreeing to a trip in the middle of February and then not living up to her end of the agreement.

And.. other examples are coming to my mind like a plague of locusts waiting to be let out and I...

Hate writing about all this,

So, in a way this is spiritual abuse. Last night had me sending her a long text about how I pointed out the way she was making me feel and her hypocritical ways. Telling me she wants to spend more time with her daughter and then going to this event. Telling me to "trust" her, but still not paying me back from the trip we took to Arizona last year. Telling me that she is capable of rational and informed decisions, and then pulling a stunt like this and refusing to Google information about the Worldwide Group to see for herself what their standing is like, and what her chances of success would be if she decides to get involved with them.

So, yes. Spiritual abuse. It's like all the worst things I dislike, being made manifest by her. Ignorance, selfishness, naivete, and this... New Age goobleygook that she totally subscribes to. But changes her mind so frequently that there are no constant beliefs being held in her head or values adhered towards. One week she's infatuated with angels, the next week is about EFT or tapping, the next week some particular astrological configuration means she's going to act a certain way, another week it's Amway, another week she says she doesn't have the energy or time to commit to Amway, one week she gushes about us being in Cuba, the next week she again becomes ambivalent about when we could both be going, the week after...

Just goes on and on. I get stressed thinking about all this that the easiest thing to do is to stop caring.

And just to allow herself to go unchecked. Let her learn from her mistakes. But...

I want to battle ignorance. I can't stand hypocrites. Or selfishness.

One of the things I said in my text yesterday was to challenge her to take ten minutes a day to think of a particular person and write down three things that she could do to make them happy. Without the expectation of a reward.

All that shit was ignored, anyways. I had a hostile tone preceding that suggestion, so I'm none too surprised she swept it under the carpet.

I guess what I'm getting at, is that if this is indeed spiritual "abuse" that we are both perpetuating onto each other, I really should remove myself from this relationship altogether.

Except, I keep feeling like this is needed and necessary for the two of us to continue. That as ugly as some of our moments have been, that it is being balanced out by the ridiculous highs we've been experiencing.

It feels like this is important. That staying, is important. On some level, there is a lesson for the two of us to be learning. Or lessons.

As aggravated as I am, I know that I have the choice not to be. That I can let this all slide and not stress myself about it at all. Quite a challenge when you think about how she goads me along. Doing what she does and saying what she says, "I don't have to prove anything" when I asked her to prove that I can trust her, is not a response that is considerate or compassionately stated.

We're always proving ourselves. Through our actions, thoughts and behaviors; we're always proving things one way or another. Even being inactive is a form of demonstrable "proof" of a certain way of thinking or feeling or believing. She can say that she doesn't have to prove anything to me in order for me to trust her, but her actions provide proof just the same.

Still haven't been paid for what I'm owed. She still hasn't proven her willingness to make our relationship into a happy one.

And yeah, yesterday morning I went to her house for sex and it wasn't amazing. She started off saying that she has to leave by a certain time and that was the constraint. I had to please her and give her a sense of that energy we experienced on Sunday, and for what? For her gratification. She didn't cuddle after we were done, instead saying "I feel separated from you and I don't know why".

And of course, I have to be saddled with that negative statement. Like it was a problem I'm expected to solve or atone for.

Fuck that. She doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions and behavior. She'd rather offload it onto me by saying that she feels separated and doesn't know why. So I have to figure it out for her.

Ridiculous.

I explained later to her that she could've not said that until she was sure it needed to be said. She should have taken some time to examine why she felt that way before pushing a thought like that out her mouth. Not minutes after we've had sex. Why would that make me feel good? How would that improve the quality of our relationship?

How does a statement like that bring us closer together? It doesn't. It brings us farther apart.

I've had many negative things to say to her, and negative feelings and impressions she's responsible for, but I don't always speak them. I don't need to tell her "I feel that there is no depth to your soul" when that particular thought strikes me as I am looking into her eyes. She doesn't need to hear that, but she wouldn't hesitate in telling me this same thing should she be feeling that way, at that particular time. I'm sure she would say something like that, though she hasn't.

I think tact is missing from our relationship. We don't know how to communicate in a way that satisfactorily addresses our concerns without wounding our egos in the process.

I am to blame as much as she is, so I can't hold myself unaccountable and without anything to atone for. Sometimes I can't hold it in any longer, and smiling through my pain is not honoring the truth of who I am. So, it gets blurted out. I'm not always successful in keeping such negativity to myself once a long enough string of concerns gets linked together enough to cause me to want to purge all that garbage out.

Anyways, blog. She was out late last night and told me just that. I replied with indifference. She probably did exchange phone numbers with people there, and liked the "conference" enough to want to get involved with them. Now I'm going to have to accept that she is likely to continue on with this sort of thing. And there is nothing I can do about it but to impotently complain and vent my frustrations, and even that is tiring. I don't want to be an asshole, but she makes it so easy for me to become one.

And I don't like that. You would think that your partner is able to bring out the best in you, and yesterday morning had her saying just that after a long conversation at breakfast.

But, I decided to vent, for whatever reason, and so here we are again. In animosity towards one another.

I feel like my concerns aren't being addressed or acknowledged in any meaningful way. I feel like she needs to prove her trustworthiness and to earn respect, etc. She likely thinks that I am overly negative, and demanding and controlling.

And this is from a girl that told me more than a few times about how she wants me to abuse her. And how she has daddy issues, and wants to be dominated, etc.

So, what the fuck man? She can't have her cake and eat it too. Either she lets me take the reigns of this relationship and defers to my judgement, or she doesn't. Either we're equal, or one of us takes a leadership role.

Two people can't be driving the same car at once. I believe in letting her take the wheel once in a while, and I'm sure she would probably agree to the same.

But how we negotiate that? I don't know man. Discourse seems like a waste of time when nothing is being acted upon or compromised/sacrificed towards.

She'll only do things that are convenient and gratifying to herself. Not to others. She will complain about a particular decision after telling me she is okay with that decision. Our trip to a diner in Arizona is proof of that, as she was unhappy with my decision though she earlier said she is fine with my making the decisions.

Argh.

She is not making me into a better person in the way that I am feeling right now. But I know on a certain level, we are both making each other into better people. Through this abuse, we are learning and growing in the most painful of ways.

To her credit, she has changed quite a bit from when I first met her. But there is still some of that darkness lurking inside of her. And inside of myself.

Sometimes it gets amplified.

Sighs. Egos. Such bullshit.

Oh well.

Life goes on.

The New Tomorrow

Listening to Johnny Cash's "Live at San Quentin" on the turntable and I'm waiting for Fola to show up. She's already almost two hours late, saying she stopped at Marshall's. Didn't say what for or how long she'll be, but I almost regret telling her to take her time.

So, last night I prayed. And as usual, I asked for help. I was a bit more specific in what I wanted to have for today when meeting with Fola. Compassion, Clarity, Wisdom, Strength and Sexuality.

You may be wondering about that last one, but I do feel it is a part of the life force that animates us. When we are sexually aroused, I feel that it is a pooling of energy that has always been with us. Just re-distributed to our nether regions.

Baking some apples in the oven now. Brown sugar, cinnamon and a lot of butter. Hope these turn out well. They're about ready and I mistakenly thought that Fola would already be here before they are finished.

Well, God. Blog. Whoever and whatever is reading these words. Myself, included. I realized that I am one with everything as the cliche goes. There is no differentiation in the grand scheme of things where "everything is energy" as Fola likes to say. But, there are specifics. There are aspects. A drop of water may be wet, but a grain of sand is dry. Zoom in far enough with a microscope and you end up with basically nothing.

When I think about this (not so) absurd notion, I am having a hard time really believing it with the fullness of my being. I realize that a table is solid, but again, zoom in with a microscope enough and you have tiny particles separated by proportionally more space than there is substance.

And last night, I thought about God and myself being one and the same. That when I talk with Fola, I am in the most general of terms, speaking with myself. And for how it sometimes feel whenever I touch her; it truly does seem like another version of me.

But it's really hard to know what to do with this information. This knowing that separation is an illusion in the same way a table appears to be solid. I understand and believe this, but... I can feel the solidity of a table. I can see the difference when I look in the mirror and when I look at another human being.

The Uncertainity Resumes

Well, what a life. What a relationship I'm in.

My mother asked me on Valentines Day what I had planned with Fola and because we both weren't speaking to each other, I told her just that and how Fola didn't care for special occasions anyways.

So she told me I should message her anyways.

I didn't immediately do that, but I did. At around 11 (sighs) 11:11pm through email.

It was the second one I had written, the first one I deleted.

And... Well, it seemed pointless. I really listed out my gripes with the email I had gotten from her. I didn't hold back my feelings on how distant she was and how lacking in warmth she was, etc. I know, these are all shitty things to say on Valentines Day, but I couldn't help myself.

I spent all day wondering if I should hold my tongue and not speak, because I have nothing good to say. Thanks mom. For putting that thought in my head to contact her.

So the next day passes, and I looked at my email again. I thought it was negative and.. well, it was called for, but at the same time I didn't want Fola to have this... bad taste in her mouth, I suppose.

I decided to again write her an email, which.. somehow again got sent at 11:11 in the morning.

In that, I listed all the things I liked about her. Which was a bit difficult in some places, incomplete in others and really leaning on the past rather than the present.

That got a response. She wrote back saying.. Well, she wants to see me again.

So we started talking again. And up till now, that first email went unanswered. Even though I felt it was important for her to reply and tell me her thoughts on the points I was making. She still hasn't.

I... Don't know what I am doing. Do I want to continue with her? Can I trust her? Do I have faith in her, in us? Can we really go the distance? Will we become better people for being together? Can we rekindle the feelings that we felt in the first six months or so? Those crazy energies between us?

I don't know, man.

But there is a funny story in all of this. For as much grief as I give her for "wishing" things into existence; she impressed me.

I once made mention about the "I will have $5,000 of unexpected income in the next 30 days" that she had taped onto her mirror and was affirming each morning. Tuesday was the last day of that, I think and Fola had said "oh well, at least I tried".

Now, in case you are reading and thinking that she got what she wanted, I'll spoil the suspense and tell you that she didn't.

What happened was she contacted the agency responsible for giving out child support benefits, asking them where the benefits were being paid, because she believed her husband Larry was receiving them and he had told Fola that he didn't see any cheques.

So, talking to them revealed that they were sending these cheques out to her "old" address (I'm assuming the one with her husband? Strange how he didn't receive anything) and for whatever reason, the cheques weren't being cashed.

Fola was then told that she would be owed money for the total that was unclaimed. Now, previously I had asked her about this and she told me that she didn't "qualify" for child benefits because she made too much money. Apparently this is not true, and she did qualify and for whatever reason, did not inquire about the payments she was owed until now.

So they owed her money, and how much was it exactly? Less than $5,000 of course, but it was close. It was about $4,600 I believe it was.

I had to laugh when she was telling me this over the phone. She actually did get close to her goal of manifesting $5,000 worth of unexpected income in 30 days. On the last day, too.

I told her that if she could do it a second time, I would be 100% on board with whatever other crazy idea she has. And though she was excited telling me that she will be shooting for $10,000 next; I am not particularly confident in her being able to do so. I don't mean to be negative, but I believe she engineered this particular "manifestation" aided along earlier by myself and my mother.

I had asked her about child benefits, twice, I believe. And my mother had asked her weeks earlier about it as well. I'm sure that had it not been for us, the idea to inquire about it may not have entered her mind until later.

But, I can't say that I am unimpressed by all this. We may be able to go to Cuba after all. She's coming over tomorrow, and we'll see what the discussion turns out as.

She still owes me money, after all, and I wonder if this windfall of hers is going to have her pay me without my asking for it. If I have to ask for it... I'm going to be really disappointed in her. I believe she owes her sister money as well.

Anyways, I still feel like an idiot. I contacted her again. Didn't really put much pressure on her responding to my email, and now she's not going to respond. Leaving my concerns up in the air. Maybe tomorrow I will confront her again on what I had an issue with and see what she will say, but I really don't want to discuss it and bring up conflict.

I just want us to be happy. Somehow. Someway.

And I keep wondering just how little self-respect I have for myself. It must not be very much if I am still... letting this girl have her way with me.

And letting her... ideas and mood changes and astrology and tarot and "intuition" and all these random variables, control and dictate the flow and quality of our relationship.

I don't know, but I do know one thing is clear to me. I need to change. I need to become happy again on my own terms.

I can't expect this girl to be the one that will do it for me.

I can't expect her to really try at making me happy. I can't expect her to be there when I most need her.

I can't expect... loyalty or trust, either.

Or warmth.

Or respect.

And that is the painful part of this all. If I can't expect those things, then why am I continuing to interact with her?

Her sense of humor is dark. She likes seeing people fail or make fools of themselves. She rarely makes a joke that isn't sarcastic or at the expense of someone else.

I can't remember if she'd ever made me laugh in a way that had me feeling good afterwards.

And I struggle at times, to make her laugh. Not because I don't have a sense of humor, but because she doesn't respond well to it. She doesn't reciprocate or appreciate it much either, it seems.

My phone went off. New text from her. I am fairly certain that whenever I think or write about her, she has this hunch or urge about me. I am without surprise, as we've had our moments of telepathy and feeling each other at a distance before.

But it has been severely suppressed in the past few months.

I have a theory about that. About the lack of warmth in my chest area, in my head and the energies between us. My theory is that it was really... A mutual symbiosis. My strong feelings towards her were matched (somewhat) by strong feelings of her own; and that enabled those physical and energetic sensations to happen. At the same time, and I realize how immodest this may seem; I believe that I have to be taking the most amount of credit for this to happen due to the state of mind I was in, while with her.

I've been told I'm psychic, and though I don't quite feel that way, I do know that there is something odd about me that I can't quite put my finger on. A particular sort of sensitivity and connection that I sometimes am able to tap into. It's like I wear my soul on the outside of the body, and... this warmth and that feeling of energy, just naturally emanates whenever I am happy and confident and completely at ease with who and where I am.

I have had amazing sex before I met Fola. I've had... I've elevated a few girls that I was involved in previous relationships with. I don't mean to brag, but some of those girls did say that I've given them the best sex of their life, and I don't think I did anything particularly different than I have done with Fola.

Well, that's not entirely true. The sex Fola and I have had was the natural evolution of us being so comfortable with one another that it was easy to hit new plateaus and heights.

Had I been with Gina for a year, I think it would have approached the same quality that Fola and I have had around when we first started sleeping with one another. I think it would have been delayed, but because I was so crushed by being broken up with Gina; I resolved not to be fearful or worried in my next relationship. I unconsciously... embraced chance. I did not attach myself to a particular outcome. I was willing to receive whatever it was that the universe decided to give.

And the universe gave me Fola. For whatever reason.

Yesterday I was listening to a podcast from Inspire Nation. The host was interviewing his wife and discussing how they first met and how far they've come. I couldn't help but think about Fola and I, In the podcast, there was a lot of similarities between us, such as seeing "signs" that we were meant to be together, and this instant familarity, and the host and his wife also had these epic arguments and without those, he/she couldn't have grown as much as they did.

In short, they didn't have an easy relationship. They had a painful one that made them into better human beings.

I wonder if this is a possibility with Fola. If we can grow into what I was hearing on that show. A couple that laughed often and loved one another sincerely.

All I could think was, "I wish we could laugh as much as they do".

And we don't. I don't know... I think its important.

I... have to try something different with her, I think. I think... I don't know.. maybe I need to open up myself again. To let my guard down. To... stand in my power more.

To become attractive and interesting again.

But what sucks, is that it seems I am the one who is trying the hardest to save us. I don't like how one-sided this feels. For all I've done, I've been given scraps off the table in return.

I don't like it one bit.

But, what I am learning is something unique, it seems. It seems that with Fola, I have to learn to assert my dominance. To stand in my power. To ask for things that I want and need.

To have her respect me.

That appears, to me, to be the point of my having met her. On a cosmic/karmic level. The soul contract, perhaps.

The deal we've made before we incarnated.

That's my guess, and I am not sure if it is the correct one, but it feels that way to me. It feels like the path of least resistance.

Well, blog, how the bleep should I know what the whole point of this is. I don't feel connected to myself lately. I don't feel like writing much. I don't feel happy and excited to be alive and optimistic and filled with joy.

She doesn't inspire those feelings in me. Yeah, I suppose she does inspire me to write long blog entries about mostly negative things I am thinking; but, is that really all that I can expect? Is this all there really is of her?

I think there is a secret here, someplace. And once I figure out which key to put into what lock, the secret will reveal itself in the most "ah ha!" moment kind of way.

It will make sense at some point. Maybe not now, but eventually. Long as I believe that I can achieving something along the lines of whatever it is I am intended to do around her.

Or be.

Perhaps it is really simple. Maybe all this is about is to learn to stand in my power and have respect for myself. No matter what she throws at me.

And this makes sense in a way. It answers many questions.

But, I have to step it up. And not let this woman unravel me. Even if it feels like she already did.

Even if it feels like on a deeper, darker level, she is secretly enjoying my devolution into a shell of my former self. The man I was when I first met her is not the man I am now.

I am able to contain my anger, but I am losing my self-respect while doing so. Because I honestly believe that much of what we fought about, has a lot to do with her attitude towards us.

It is not the attitude, the words and the behavior of a woman in love with me.

Or a woman capable of loving, period.

Fola herself once wrote that she didn't know what love really was until she met me.

I believe she was being honest when she said that.

And...

Maybe she really does love me.

I don't know. I don't feel it. It's not the type of love that I expected.

But perhaps, it is the only type she is able to offer.

Until I can take her further. To show her more.

And to do that, I must go further with myself. And dig within. Unearth the gems that have sustained and nourished me over the years when I give myself over to the whims of my soul. To honor the voice that speaks from beyond the ego and from the heart.

If I can honor that. If I can sustain this love that I have for who I am...

Then...

I can always be guaranteed to be happy.

And perhaps my happiness will help inspire her to keep it going.

Perhaps.

Or maybe the test will continue, and I will have to grit my teeth all the way to the end.

Wherever that may be.

In death, or in marriage.

Or to whatever else may come to me next.

The uncertainty resumes.

The Silence Resumes

More of the same today. Didn't get any texts from her, didn't send her any myself.

Yesterday when she left, I had this text ready to be sent. This long detailed thing about how I objected to her saying I was in a bubble, and I didn't want to leave my comfort zone. I mentioned us meeting Justin and Nicole. I mentioned us going out twice that same week. I would've mentioned Five Alarm Funk had I decided to go back and revise it.

I told her that if she wants to invent fictitious reasons to be mad at me, that she needs to try harder.

Today I thought about adding Cuba to that list. I wanted to go. We agreed mid-February would be best. Did she save up for it? No. Instead, she's relying on magical thinking.

"I will have $5,000 of unexpected money appear within 30 days" scrawled on her mirror, is what I last remember of it.

I can undestand if she doesn't have the money. But what I can't understand is ...

Fuck it, it's not worth getting into. I want to talk about my day.

Got up this morning pretty early. Maybe around.. Okay, I didn't actually "get up" but I woke up at around 4:30am, feeling that awesome feeling between sleep and wakefulness. Knowing that I didn't have to get up on time for anything, I felt the warmth under the covers and the bit of light coming through the blinds. It was... it made me happy. Just laying there, feeling alive and groggy but alert, sleeping in small bursts here and there.

Decided to get up at around 8:30am. Checked the stock markets, two of my stocks had a decent gain to them. ATE and MPX. ICC ended going 0.6% below. Not a bad day of it, really. Far as money goes. Still hoping that Harvest One goes up past the 1.70 mark because I am frustrated with having to hold onto it while it barely moves.

It was an interesting morning. I didn't expect a text from Fola, and I felt... quite free. Like there was a cord that was cut-off. No real attachment to her. Just calm. Peace. There was a time later in the day that I choose to turn off the Do Not Disturb mode on my phone and risk the vibration of a notification coming through. I felt a bit of clutch in my chest thinking that I would get the buzz of a text from her, although I felt that was unlikely.

I ended up cleaning my office. Pretty happy about that because it was something I had been putting off for a few months now. Not completely finished with it, but I chucked a lot of papers out into the recycling bin and organized other ones.

Put some books away. Played a little bit of Battlefront. Took a bath. Read some of Dr. Peterson's new book. The chapter on disciplining children was the one I completed.

"Do not allow your children to do anything that makes you think less of them."

That was one quote. The rest of it had to deal with how to reward and punish a child. Peterson talked about 2 and 3 year olds and I immediately thought of Fola's daughter Ivy. Wondering how I would deal with her if I was in a situation that demanded my intervention.

The other points I remember... Hmm.. I liked Peterson's story about how he had to put a troublesome child to sleep (which wasn't his) and he kept using repetition. The child would cry, angrily, and Peterson would simply pick the child up and gently place it down in the crib. But the boy would stand up again and start crying. So he kept picking up the child and placing him down. At around the tenth attempt with the child still standing up and crying, Peterson held him down gently until the child stopped squirming and was about to sleep.

As he tip-toed out the room, the boy stood up again and this caused Peterson to freeze in his tracks, glare at the child and point a finger in his direction. That was all that needed to be done. The child laid back down and there was no further disruption from him throughout the night.

Peterson weaves scientific data and philosophic justifications into his stories which I really appreciated. I began wondering if reward and punishment is a system that applies not just to young children, but to adults, and I briefly thought about Fola.

Conditioning her behavior.

I don't like the sound of having to do that. It's manipulative and underhanded, but I can't deny that perhaps it is completely necessary. And then I thought about what type of person she is. She craves discipline and order and punishment. She really does. And if I don't stand up to her injustice, then she will carry on. Worse than before, until I finally react.

Which is... kind of the opposite of what I am doing now. Not reacting at all. Like I said, I had my finger hovering over the send button of that text but decided against it.

Decided that it wasn't worth it.

Maybe more specifically, decided that she wasn't worth it.

And that is a sad thought to have.

Except that I wasn't sad. I think...

I don't know. Is this me being mature? Do I have to confront her? I'd rather not bother. If I have nothing nice to say to her, then I shouldn't say anything at all.

And she has given me little reason lately to be nice towards her. And I have.

I've been far too nice to her over the course of our relationship.

I'm pretty darn sure that she is going to run with the "in a bubble, anti-social, etc" b.s. that she tried to push onto me. I'm pretty darn sure that she is locked into that mindset and is going to be telling her friends and family about how anti-social I am and reluctant to engage with her in social settings.

That part is half-true, actually. I am reluctant to engage with her in a social setting, because I don't like hanging out with some unpredictable, distant, dead-eyed corpse of a human being. I don't want to have her in my place alone, let alone be at her place or any other place if that is how she is going to be behaving towards me.

She just doesn't get that.

And I didn't mention it. Wish I did, but at the same time, I am so tired of having to explain these things to someone who claims to be "warm" and "intuitive" and has "empathy" for others even if she doesn't know how to properly define the word itself.

She should know better.

After a year, she should know me well enough.

But she has trouble with memory, I suppose. She doesn't remember specifics. Doesn't care to act on any of those specifics, either. Doesn't matter if we've had the same argument a dozen of times and discussed it in a half a million ways. She won't remember it a week from now.

If she wanted to make me happy, she would. If she wanted to have a harmonious and healthy relationship, we would be in one.

In a year, she's worn lingerie once and baked me scones twice. Knowing how much I like both.

That's the extent, really, of how much she's tried to make me happy during the course of our relationship. Never mind that one week in November during my birthday. Pretentious anomaly.

I don't care to list all the things I've done for her.

It's not a numbers game, but after a while, it becomes evident at how lop-sided of an effort I am making in proportion to her own.

Ridiculous, really.

Anyways, tangent aside, I had a good day. Didn't leave the house, but things were productive.

I even was surprised later on with a text from Kyle about how they will be shipping my tools and boots back from my last job. Took long enough. Didn't think I'd ever see them again.

Yeah, so I am still finding myself. Tried to write an article on Medium about the dangers of spiritual addiction and having to choose between being spiritual and being rich, because most religions don't seem to think they can co-exist. I ended up writing a page and a half before getting bored with the concept.

Truthfully, I really didn't care about that question.

I don't know if it is true that you can be spiritual and close to God and also be wealthy, because not only does the Bible advise against it ("easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle, than for a rich man to enter heaven") but also because I don't want to lose sight of God. To lose connection with my soul.

And I realize, also, that Fola played a large part in diverting my spirituality. I didn't seriously think about becoming wealthy and prosperous until I met her and felt motivated by her dream of us travelling the world together and living in a nice house on an acreage or by water, etc. I began to naively think that I could now forget about having to find love, and could now focus on creating a grander life for the two of us.

But...

I don't...

Know if that is going to happen. Or if it is right. Or meant to be.

It is certainly possible, but perhaps not probable.

Although I do often affirm to myself that I am blessed with great wealth and prosperity, so that I can benefit my life as well as the lives of others.

And I would love to live on an acreage. Near water. With a dog. Travelling the world.

And being in love.

But, I don't really feel like I've found love.

Not yet.

So...

I'm not sure what I can do from here other than to focus on myself.

And try to figure out what my next move should be.

I don't want to insulate. I don't much feel like writing, either.

But...

Yeah...

I still believe in you God. In us. The two of us can move mountains.

I don't need anybody else. Although I would like to have somebody.

You know how true this is when you look into my heart.

And I know the same of you, when I look into yours.

We both want the same things for each other.

Happiness.

Love.

Truth.

Justice.

Beauty.

And I'm.. patiently waiting for an answer. For a path. For a clue.

A coincidence.

A sign.

Help me to help you, God.

It is all I ever wanted to do.

I stand in the light.

Awaiting your orders.

Darkness Once More

I don't love her.

I don't want to love her.

Fuck.

Cold, distant. Irresponsible. Irrational.

Called her out on being cold and distant...

"I don't feel that way"

Of course nobody wants to be called cold or distant, even when they know they are.

Last night had her crying for a short minute and saying that she felt apart from me. Asked her why, "I don't know" and then she spends the morning writing pages in her journal about whatever that likely is.

But doesn't share it with me.

"I don't know"

I'm tired of her. She accused me of not going outside my comfort zone because I don't want to go to some Reiki thing with her. Accused me of wanting to stay inside my home and not go out and experience things. Didn't think mentioning us having gone "out" the day before, or three days before or last week with Justin and Nicole for dinner; would have made any difference to her accusations.

Neither would reminding her that I was going to get tickets for us to go see Five Alarm Funk in a few weeks,

This woman... girl, is driving me insane. I have been thinking today about the good qualities in her that I appreciate seeing, and I am honestly finding it harder and harder to understand what they might be.

Sex? Sure, it's great when its done passionately and I don't have to fight for having it.

Conversation? Also great, when we can keep it respectful and not have her put up a wall whenever a touchy or inflammatory subject comes up. Like her joining Amway. Or thinking about it.

The more I think about her, the more I realize that she is unwell. Two days ago after our Amway fight, she shows up at my house in the morning unannounced saying that she is willing to "talk". This was after the day before where she sent me two YouTube videos about how she thinks she has a victim mentality. The premise being is that she invites abuse and blames other people for her issues. I agreed with that, but days later, there was no attempt at her rectifying this self-diagnosis of hers. No "I'm sorry" no effort put forward to show that she was sincere about addressing this problem of hers.

Just another one of these things that she watches and forgets within a day. Just like it is with her reading and studying about Reiki, NLP, hypnosis, energy healing or whatever other subject she is currently infatuated with. Much of it is "forgotten" sometimes within hours after having been exposed to the material. I know this because I asked her questions about what new things she's learned, given that I am interested in knowing more about those subjects as well.

I no longer ask her these questions as often. Mainly because she gives such a general non-informative response, that it is a fruitless line of inquiry. About on par with saying "good" each and every time I ask her how a particular thing is going. "Good." full-stop.

No further explanation.

No truthful or detailed response.

On the other hand, she can go for long periods of time telling me about some lawyer she met who has great energy and wears a particular type of tie and how she wants to have dinner with him (pauses for effect) and his wife.

She's not interesting if she can't remember what she's learned or is unwilling to share the details with me. I'm reminded of several arguments where I've asked her how something is going and get hardly anything worth thinking or conversing about in response.

She's not responsible, either. Takes frequent days off of work. Neglects to take stock of her finances. Claims we will be going to Cuba this month, but doesn't save any money up for it. Still owes me money from our last trip to Arizona. Doesn't want to put in that effort to make it happen and is instead relying on law of attraction stuff.

Not interesting, not responsible, not reasonable either. I can't have a rational argument without risking her spinning it around onto me. Like I am at fault for her being upset that I was upset that she asked me what I wanted for dinner once, and said that my suggestion was "boring" and didn't text with anything further. She would not admit fault for the way she behaved there, and squirmed around grasping at straws when I called her out on that in person. First she said ...

Man.. it just boils my blood thinking about it. Depresses me too. I don't want to get into the details. It's so immature. So petty.

And I can't seem to handle it. For three days now whenever I'd see her, she wouldn't give me a decent hug. Just this weak thing with a short two pats on the back and disengage. Doesn't understand or appreciate the value of physical closeness when used to heal emotional wounds and to resolve differences. Doesn't understand or appreciate how much I need to feel close to my partner, both physically and emotionally.

She shot me down for sex last night and this morning. Like it was a chore. Never mind that I was giving her whatever she wanted and the best orgasms of her life, etc.

I sound like such a child while writing all this. I hate it. I sound like a boy and not a man who has self-respect enough to move on to someone else rather than put up with this... thing... that is oblivious to reason, cannot really love, fakes compassion, is not sincere, not thoughtful, not kind, not motivated to work at a relationship or to work in general and subscribes to magical thinking on a level that eclipses rational thought altogether. There is no rational thought. There is no depth in her soul

I remember last night when I looked into her eyes thinking just that. There is no depth there. There might have been at one point, but... maybe not anymore. Or maybe its hidden.

This epiphany was arrived at shortly after we had a back and forth about how she thinks there is no such thing as "good" or "bad".

"Well, what about doctors? They have to make that judgement call. They can't give a patient suffering from distress a box of Smarties. They have to make a decision as to the best course of treatment for them."

And instead she argues that yes, maybe the Smarties would be a better fit. Who knows?

We didn't discuss Smarties specifically, but I am using the exaggeration to point out how she was being absurdist beyond belief.

I tried to have a rational argument about her daughter Ivy, walking too close to a cliff. I tried to use this analogy to Amway, saying that if I know there was danger there and she didn't, wouldn't it be responsible of me to warn her about it? Rather than keep my mouth shut about Amway like she wants me to? To keep my skepticism at bay and let her go ahead making the mistake to know that I was right all along?

I don't want to be "right" all along. I want my opinion to be respected. I want to hear a rational argument from her side about why she is going along with this. Not a "I don't know" when I ask why she is going along with this. I want reasons. Descriptive ones. They don't even have to be ones I agree with. But reasons to help me understand what exactly is she expecting to come of all this.

Yesterday she flipped the Amway thing back on me by saying "yeah, I don't have the time and energy to devote myself to this blah blah" and in the morning tells me that she'd like us to go to some conference related to this Amway BS that her friend has told her about. It's like she's agreeing with me and not agreeing with me. And this was after I told her to not get me involved in this scammy idea of hers. Even after I told her step-by-step that she would be invited to a presentation after reading two particular books that these groups snare people in with.

But, she believes deeply in the law of attraction and how everything happens for a reason and thinks that there is something important waiting for her at the end of the Amway rainbow. Maybe not even Amway itself, but someone she will meet at the conference, etc.

Such a flake... I mean, I understand where she is coming from, but I told her that it is impossible to chase down every opportunity and possibility in the way she was suggesting she should. Like, "oh, I got a phone call from someone about my having won a free vacation. I just have to show up for a seminar." and she would jump at that opportunity. Or if someone...

Man... boiling my blood as I type this.

And.. I turned my phone off hours ago. Well, put it on do not disturb and left it upstairs. But I had a bath in the dark and laid in bed afterwards to meditate.

It felt really good. I felt cleared. In the bathtub I was looking at videos on Twin Flames again, seeing if I have missed something. Checking the signs of the false Twin Flame, and seeing if I missed anything there as well.

I don't know man. People are divided on how to categorize either. Or whether either of these things exist at all.

I believe they do. I can honestly believe her to be a false twin flame just because I can't see how she will reverse herself. Since she cut her hair, she's been becoming more masculine around me. More irrational. More... cynical and closed-off. And I don't appreciate the way she smirks at me at random times. Like just before she left my house this morning and I told her how I didn't think I would be going over to her place for dinner on Tuesday. That little smirk came after the argument concluded in which she told me her "feelings" about how I am shutting myself up in a bubble, not wanting to leave the house.

That smirk says it all. And the way she looked at herself in the mirror while putting on her sunglasses. Another sly smirk there. Disgusting to see her vanity and pride on display like that. No humility. Sometimes she tells me she looks "good" in a way that suggests she's special and deserves extra attention/preferential treatment just because... Just because.

I think I've inflated her ego over the course of our relationship. Made her feel too good and secure with me. Whenever she was insecure, I would take my time to explain how her feelings were without merit. I didn't want to be with anyone else, and if I did, I would tell her since she was interested in having a threesome. I told her I loved her and that our connection was unique, etc. Stuff that I really didn't need to say because she makes it a point to remind me that she "knows" that I love her.

/insert sly smirk

But when the shoe is on the other foot and I need reassurance; Fola is nowhere to be fucking found. She'll dismiss it with a "you'll have to examine yourself as to why you feel that way" or will change the subject or run away from a particularly tough confrontation in which she will absolutely refuse to placate me in a way that is meaningful and necessary for the health of our relationship.

Necessary for me to have trust in her. Which is another issue of ours. I don't trust her. She wouldn't water my plants on time like she promised while I was away up north for work. Didn't carry through on most of her promises, such as paying me back, or wanting to please me, or whatever thing she tells me that makes me think I can leave something in her hands and not have to worry about whether or not she will execute on whatever it is she promised to do.

Because she rarely ever follows through on her promises.

And the tone of her texts..

Fuck, man... Sounds like one thing, but in person it's completely different. Excited to see me and to have me come over she'll text, and then look all dead and dull and distant when I arrive.

This woman.. is unteachable. I can't reach her by reason. And I am doubly insulted whenever I present a carefully constructed argument that she ignores or takes offense towards, only to have her repeating some of my talking points a few months, weeks or even days later. Like it was her own idea.

And that I had nothing to do with yet another mind-change of hers.

No credit. No...

Respect.

I'm... I don't respect her either. Lost respect for her long before she did.

I can't respect someone so flaky and selfish and oblivious to the effect her actions and lack-of all contribute to the friction and arguments we've been having. She is not wanting a good relationship for us. No matter how obvious our chemistry was and how we've previously demonstrated it towards another.

It's all forgotten. There's nothing for her to "work" at because she feels there shouldn't be any effort given. To her, its not her job to make me happy. But apparently its my job to make her happy. Physically, emotionally, intellectually, spiritually... socially.

Because if I don't try, then this whole thing goes up in flames. If I stop trying, it creates a cycle of negativity. Just like we are experiencing right now. I am not giving any fucks about her and this causes her to be "distant" where she "doesn't know" why she feels that way.

No introspection. Little empathy.

Always the victim.

Always blaming someone else.

And I am ultimately insulted by the fact that she thinks its her purpose in life to become a "great healer" and that someday she will have books written about her.

"Who's going to write your book?" I once asked.

"You." she replied. Seemingly with seriousness.

As if her life story would be interesting enough for people to want to read about.

The great healer part bugs me terribly. I consider myself compassionate, and even I am reluctant about my ability to ease the suffering of others. Particularly those that are on their death beds, which is what Fola is aiming to do. She wants to be by the side of people who die.

Why?

Because she's curious to see how it is.

And thinks she's a great healer.

But has little empathy or compassion or sensitivity about her.

Just a leaf flying around on the wind. Blowing this way and that. No sense of agency because she refuses to accept personal responsibility for the way her life turns out. Instead, she would rather be ruled by destiny. To have destiny shape her, rather than to shape it on her own.

And I completely am not on board with this kind of laziness.

This kind of naivete.

This kind of "magical thinking".

She got punched by someone a few days ago and I jokingly asked her how she managed to "attract" that to her, since she's so convinced by the law of attraction that even a starving 2-year old child in Africa has somehow "attracted" being an orphan and on the brink of death.

She actually took my question seriously and tried to explain that she was somewhat "fearful" around this woman, and that prompted the attack.

If only she was more courageous. She would not have attracted the assault.

Straight face.

Took three days off work because of it.

How can I respect a woman like this? She was laughing while telling me this story in person, and then got upset that I thought it wasn't as big a deal as she suggested it was in text.

God damn it.

I deserve better.

I am hard of hearing. I am... unsure of my ultimate purpose in this world. I am... I'm not perfect.

I have flaws.

But not enough to make me feel that she is the best I can do.

I remember Georgina.

I remember what a good woman she was.

I remember how I could trust her. Confide in her. Feel secure in knowing that she was mentally stable and responsible and willing to please and go the extra distance and ...

I've learned from that experience.

I will never take a good woman for granted again.

But...

Fuck.

I don't want to make the same mistake I did with Georgina, either.

God help me.

I...

I must never make the same mistake.

I've seen heaven and hell.

And I want heaven.

I want goodness in my life.

I want light.

Not darkness.

Not her.

Unless...

Fuck...

Unless she somehow changes.

Or I do.

But I have little faith in her changing.

I've seen too much.

She's given me little reason to believe.

And...

I must now...

Stop.

Stand up.

Shoulders back.

Spine straight.

Look ahead.

Stay focused.

And remain in my power.

No matter what may happen next.

God help me.

I want to serve.

I will serve. I will share my gifts with the world somehow.

Even before meeting Fola, I've seen too much.

Too much of things that she'll never get to see.

And I ...

Must not choose to be on the side of evil.

Even if she thinks there is no such thing.

And that, perhaps, is the greatest lie there can ever be.

I will fight it.

Fuck...

Hi blog. Me again.

Yeah, so the title of today's post is "fuck..." why that is... well, it seems to capture the general sentiment I have going on with me at the moment.

Fola today.. Yep. Fola again. More Fola talk.

Today we got into an argument over her getting involved in Amway. Prior to this the night before, she mentioned this "business" that a friend of hers is involved with. I asked if she got the details on how it works, she says yes. I ask her if its Amway, she dodges it for a bit and then says yes, it's Amway.

...

Amway. This all took place after I told her about my experience with Amway. With Tyler who I met in the Fort in the summer. With the one girl I dated who insisted that her partner be as involved in her Amway business as she was. 

I've done my research into them. Their products are brands I don't recognize at prices often double what you can find locally on the shelf.

It doesn't even seem like the products matter as much as the "selling" of the idea itself. To own your home business, to earn "passive" income and my research yielded all kinds of statistics and anecdotes that pretty well turns Amway into "Scam"Way.

A few days ago when Fola first got "solicited" for this, she sent me a link to a website of her friend where there were four audio files and one video file. I clicked the video and right away I smelled fraud. The narrator didn't get into the nuts and bolts of the business, but rather appealed to emotions and "you don't want to work your shitty job. Take control of your life! Be rich! Earn passive income! Think of your family!" etc.

And when Fola mentioned this book that her friend suggested she read, I was none too surprised to find out that it was "Business of the 21st Century" by Robert Kiyosaki.

Shock, awe. Yeah. I've read this. I've been solicited before. More than once.

What bothers me is that despite my having told all this to Fola BEFORE she was propositioned, she still is going along with it. When I asked her today if she plans on going ahead with them, she says "I don't know" like she was undecided.

I felt insulted. It didn't matter what I told her about Amway in the past or the present, she still is considering doing it. No real rational argument given from her end of things. Other than telling me how the salesguy (in the link she sent me) was intense and enthusiastic and that she liked his energy.

Okay. So you liked the sales pitch. Are you going to let that override your common sense? 

Are you going to forget everything I've said about Amway? Are you going to research it and find out for yourself how much of a scam the business model is? About how hard you would have to work to get to the top 1% of people who actually are making more than a few bucks a month?

Are you really going to be that annoying person who pesters everyone she knows to buy products from her website? Products that nobody in their right mind would be willing to spend double the retail value of?

Are you really going to make a decent living with this? Even a semi-decent "passive" income?

All signs point to no.

So I felt really insulted by this. Last night she said she would tell me more about this today, so I asked and then she shut me down with "I don't want to talk about it".

I... I'm pretty insulted. A few months ago I made mention that she should get a good picture of her finances and budget. She acknowledged it was a good idea, but didn't do anything since.

Except yesterday her friend says the same thing to her and now she's all interested in budgeting and cleaning up her finances. I kept thinking that she doesn't respect my opinion and also, that Tyler had the same thing happen to him with Robin. Clean up your finances. Read these books. Sign up. Start a website. Recruit people.

Same bullshit over and over.

And she's buying it hook line and sinker.

I.. don't aim to control her. I told her to not let me discourage her from a business opportunity that she wants to pursue; but at the same time I'm disgusted that she thinks THIS opportunity is a good idea. Even if she "doesn't know" whether or not she will sign up with Amway.

It's the "I don't know" part that bothers me. Thats not an answer. An answer is more like explaining what her interest is, knowing how much her friend makes (numbers) and coming to an understanding of the mechanics and profitability involved. Not, "I don't know" and leave it in the air knowing my strong stance on this subject. Knowing how bad it is doesn't seem to deter her. Worse yet, is knowing that my opinion doesn't seem to matter.

I don't know blog (there's that I don't know). This woman.. is difficult to negotiate with. Any kind of conflict almost invariably has her turning the finger back at me and saying that I am responsible for whatever the problem is. That I should "ask myself" what it is that I feel so strongly about when I voice concern about her signing up for a scummy business model.

Why should I have to explain that? Isn't it obvious? 

Why should I have to look inward? Why does she think she can do whatever it is she wants and whenever I voice concern about a particular thing, then I have to turn inward as to why I am upset about her spending three hours at some guy's place she hardly knows, saying she thought he may have drugged her water and that it's okay to ditch me that evening when I needed her most. When I was sad and feeling neglected.

ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I hate talking about this. I hate thinking about this. I am not bothering to present a lucid and detailed analysis of all this. I've been ignoring her texts after I left her house early today. She sent me two videos on "victim mentality" which she thinks is something she's afflicted with.

I am all too mindful of her often saying "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it" so I didn't respond to those texts. She didn't ask for my opinion. And even if she did, she doesn't respect it anyways.

That is all on top of my coming to her place today and seeing the dead and dull look in her eyes when I came inside. No hugs or hello or kiss or touching or anything. The first thing I noticed sitting down next to her on the couch was those eyes. No light was shining in them at all.

It was like the opposite of that cliche: "the lights are on but nobody's home"

In her case, the lights were off and she certainly was home.

She was present inside her body ,but her spirit was elsewhere.

I don't feel loved by this woman. Her personality swings, her volatility. Her lack of integrity and sincerity and lack of personal responsibility and... cold and distant and stubborn and disrespectful and...

Fuck man.

She still owes me money from last year. That's the no responsiblity part. She wants to go to Cuba and I would happily lend her the money if I knew she would do whatever it takes to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time.

But she's not responsible enough to do so. Almost a year now. Just the one time she showed up with 50 bucks.

Not considerate. Doesn't care that this wedge exists between us and won't put her mind to working that one extra day of overtime to pay it off.

Evidently she has no respect for me. I have to accept that.

She's impulsive and emotional and damaged. I have to accept that as well.

Yesterday she was over and the sex.. fuck, man... Yeah, good sex but... she really wants that degrading humilating style of it. She wants to feel used. She enjoys being pissed on. Slapped. Insulted. Treated like a whore.

And I've been obliging to a certain extent. Thinking its a harmless fantasy. Maybe its not. Maybe I am normalizing deviant behavior when I really shouldn't.

I'm flexible. I'm considerate. I will give my partner whatever they want in bed. To the best of my ability.

And... 

This... Writing about all this just makes me more angrier and sadder.

She's in my thoughts at the moment. I know I'm ignoring her message. She knows I'm ignoring it. She knows I'm thinking about her. I know that she knows that I know that I am thinking about her.

Such an insidious game.

We have a serious communication problem. Few days ago she tells me she was assaulted at work, that one of her clients hit her and she's okay. When I asked what she needed, she said she needed love.

So... With that message in mind, I went to Wok Box to get her supper. She didn't ask and I wanted to treat her right and to cheer her up. Bought her a chai latte as well.

She shows up but sits in my driveway for over 20 minutes. I get a text saying that she's in the driveway on the phone. I assume she's talking to people at work about the incident or whoever has to be talked to about the incident.

I tried not to jump to any conclusions. All I knew was that she was assaulted and that she's okay. 

And that she was sitting in my driveway for a long ass time on the phone.

She comes in and... fuck, man. Tells me the story but LAUGHS and SMILES throughout the whole thing. Like it's this unimportant event that she isn't the least bit traumatized over.

Halfway through I tell her that the tone of her story and her texts do not match up with one another. Told her I had the wrong impression all together and that I'm glad it wasn't as serious as my imagination was making it out to be.

Well, she gets upset at that. Tells me it is serious and that she wished I was more sympathetic towards her and that I would show her more empathy as she's sitting there eating the things I went out to buy her and sipping the latte.

What the fuck, man? I tried. I fucking tried.

Fuck...

Communication problem.

Tells me one thing and does another. Last night was "I'll tell you the details tomorrow" as far as the "business" goes. Tomorrow is today and I ask about it and get a "I don't know" and a "I don't want to talk about it" after that.

When she doubted her ever saying that she will talk to me about this "tomorrow" I had to show her the text. She then decides to take a different approach and instead of accepting responsibility, says she "changed her mind" as far as talking about this "business" goes.

How am I supposed to negotiate any future conflicts with a woman like this?

Jordan Peterson in his infinite wisdom had a video about choosing the ideal mate. "Find someone you can negotiate a future with" ... Well, I don't think it's Fola.

She's so difficult to negotiate with. Not reasonable or rational. 

Rarely apologies. Rarely takes responsibility, and when she does, things go back to the way they were anyways. Change doesn't stick. And I still don't feel like she goes the extra mile to make me feel appreciated or loved. Still haven't seen her in lingerie since November. Still haven't seen a scone since then either. 

Rare that I've seen her smile and hug and kiss me whenever we greet one another.

Rare.

By that, I mean I often take initiative. It's rare for her to do so.

No surprise given how it was when we first met. We fought about how she didn't want to hug, and she blamed it on not being comfortable with public displays of affection.

This relationship sucks, man.

It sucks and... I don't want it to be that way.

Where's the give and take? Too much taking on her part. When she's in a sullen mood, I'll try to do something. I'll massage her feet. Her shoulders. Give her a kiss. Say something kind. Ask her questions about her day. 

Even when I don't feel like it, I still try.

And with her.. I rarely get any of that back. A few days ago I needed time to myself and to have my space. So I didn't text her much. She gets upset and thinks that I'm with another woman. So I explain everything in detail about how I need my time and why would I be with anyone else when I have her, and all these things to put her at ease.

But she doesn't do the same. She doesn't reciprocate even a 1/4 of the amount that I give her.

Few days ago in the morning she starts talking about this lawyer guy with this great energy who she wants to have dinner with (and his wife). Her words were "I want to have dinner with this guy..." and then in a bit of a pause added, "and his wife".

Note the way she says these things. First, she says "I" rather than "we" and this was the first thing she said to me in the morning as I came downstairs.. this detailed story about this lawyer and how he acts and the pen she uses and the tie he wears and blah blah blah. All these unasked for details that do not interest me in the slightest, but when it comes to something actually important like details on this Amway business, she doesn't want to talk about it. Hardly any details at all with that.

Hardly any details on her being assaulted prior to her coming to my place. Her "solution" to the argument that took place about the tonal mis-match was to tell me that from now on she isn't going to say anything about stuff like that, and will instead wait to tell me about it in person.

That's not really the solution I was hoping for, or think is the best.

There's...

Man...

Sighs.

Oh, God.

God.

I miss being connected with you. I feel so cut-off. Like I am alone and consorting with evil. This woman who wants to be abused. Who takes delight in emotionally abusing me and taking me for granted and making me feel guilty when I don't pay her enough attention or when I raise objections over some of the things she does and says. Talking about how great the "energy" is of some guy; or how she's been "visualizing" us going to Cuba, rather than taking responsibility and saving money for the trip like I have been telling her to do a month ago. 

She really is in her own world. Fantasy land. Law of attraction is going to somehow give her "5,000 of unexpected income within the next 30 days" according to the piece of paper she taped to her mirror upstairs that I saw today. 

And that paper was there for weeks, already.

Is it going to happen? It could. Will it? Likely not.

Likely not.

But she's counting on that more than she's counting on herself.

She's marginalizing her own power. She's not acting on her desires, but is instead being blown about by her impulses. What she says and feels and does today, may not be congruent with what she says and does and feels the next day. Sometimes extremely so. 

One day she'll want to be pissed on, the next week she...

Fuck, man.. I keep thinking of things to write and I don't want to write them but I feel like I have to.

On the weekend while having sex, it almost felt like she wanted me to rape her. She was doing this twisting away thing as we were screwing, pushing me away and saying "no no" and I started to believe it. I was riding this wave.. this plateau where I knew that if I went past this imaginary limit, then it really would be rape. 

And that is so fucking shitty of her to put me in that position.

She once smiled this sly grin and claimed that I "liked" this sort of thing. Even when I kept telling her that I didn't and that I was only doing it because I wanted to please her.

Maybe that's my problem. I want to please her.

I'm not letting her please me.

I'm not being selfish enough.

I am not putting my foot down enough,

I'm blinded by emotion. By what I think is love. Kinship. On a deep soulful level.

We are kindred souls in a sense.

And I get the strange feeling that I am helping to accelerate her evolution. That I am dragging her kicking and screaming to a better version of herself.

She's been fighting me all the way up until now, but with each angry outburst, she gets a little more tame. A little more mature. A little more.. different. Or evolved. Or whatever.

But she's still the same person she was when I met her. A lionness.

A Goddess.

A fallen Goddess.

A wounded lionness.

And now I'm realizing as I'm writing this, that I am more interested in saving her than saving myself.

Fuck, man...

I really should stop giving fucks about her. It seems that's the direction she wants me to take this relationship towards. Not giving any fucks and using her for my pleasure.

Not spoil her. Not praise her. Don't get emotionally invested.

Just... fuck her. Use her.

Abuse her.

Because that is want she wants deep down inside. She's admitted to having "daddy issues" and I am not at all shocked by that.

And still, when I touch her, I feel like... I'm touching myself. Her skin feels like my own skin. Her mouth feels like my own mouth. Her tongue my own tongue. Her mind sometimes feels like my own mind.

On some deep level, I am basically dating the female version of myself. The girl that didn't do insulating work all those years and didn't develop the rational/logical side of her brain. The girl who didn't have the same experiences I had with women to develop myself into someone appreciative and knowing of what a healthy loving relationship is supposed to look like.

I am reminded of the smile Georgina and I would exchange each time we met. She didn't say "what?" to me like Fola does. Insinuating that there was something wrong with my locking eyes and gazing deeply into her soul. Her spirit.

There was no ... need to say certain things. To question certain things.

You just "know" ... when love is in the air.

And Fola would often remind me that she "knows" that I love her. Again, with that knowing sly grin of hers as if she pried open some secret that has been locked inside of me.

It isn't a secret. I DO love her.

And yet, I don't feel the same way by her.

And maybe ... maybe I'm sticking around because I don't think I can find anyone better.

But I do know that there is someone better.

But... who? I already know Georgina would have been better, had I not been so caught up in my own problems and doubts and issues when I was involved with her.

I know that.. there's a woman out there who would love to be with me. Who would reciprocate with enthusiasm. Who treats me with respect and consideration and adoration and ...

Doesn't say shit like "if I want your opinion, I'll ask for it"

Doesn't get all upset when I don't immediately watch some half hour long video that she sent me through text. But still doesn't watch the link to a particular video of mine that she invariably gets reminded about (three times) in less than 48 hours. And made a promise to watch it, etc.

I don't care if she watches it or not. It's just insulting seeing the double-standard. The hypocrisy.

The craziness.

And.. I've been neglecting myself at the expense of this woman. My own sanity is being compromised. I am not as cheerful or happy or ... the best of who I am as I was at the time when we first met.

I wasn't .. I am not nearly as connected to a higher power now because of her.

I could point the finger at her and absolve myself of responsibility, but I won't. I acknowledge that those are convenient correlations. They are not causation. 

Yes, she did have a lot to do with those changes in me. 

And I have had a lot to do with those changes in myself. I've accepted this obstacle course of a woman, where I am afraid to say this or do that in order to not offend her or risk her anger.

And it goes both ways. I suppose. I don't know.

I don't know man. I am not making much sense with this post. Just this long rambling mountain of frustration being let out. All in disjointed bits and pieces that could use more explanation and detail but I don't have the energy to really put them into their proper perspective.

I am too tired to do so.

Looks like I won't be getting a good night text from her. Those ignored texts are...

Going to be as they are. I don't know what to say to them. 

She didn't ask for my opinion.

Good night blog.

...

Please... 

To... whatever or whoever out there that is listening, who can guide me. Help me to realize my goals, my gifts...

Please help me.

Please.

PLEASE.

Chaos is the Rule of the Day

The battle within has already begun.

Just have been taking notice of it recently, that I am basically living in a state of chaotic order, if that makes any sense. Meaning, that I am willfully blinding myself to the possibilities and potentials outside of the comfortable (?) and orderly (and unemployed) life I'm in.

But Fola keeps bringing in the chaos.

Today she's using military time. 15:15, she'll be over at she says. Had to ask her if she really meant 3:15pm Mountain Time just to dig into her a little bit. Things like that doesn't make any sense to me. Not that I don't understand them, but why switch over to the 24h clock?

Not really complaining about this, but its one thing of many. Mood changes each day. Yesterday she was upset (and honestly sad) that I didn't come over for dinner. I didn't say that I was coming over for dinner, nor did I want to, being that it was -24 out there with bad road conditions and I would have to drive home in the dark after only seeing her for a few hours. Can't stay over, her sister and Ivy is there and I didn't feel like having to socialize, etc.

Today she's going to be meeting Justin and Nicole for the first time after repeatedly bringing it up many times over the course of our relationship. Yeah, to be fair, it's been over a year since I've known her. Guess this is due. But I don't understand the zeal she has going behind that. She tried asking me why I'm "scared" of her meeting, and I had to shake my head and say that it has nothing to do with her. Her schedule and Justin's schedule and my schedule and Nicole's schedule, all have to be lined up just right for that to happen. And even so, not all of us wants to go out for dinner at times, either.

Well, we'll see how this goes. A part of me doesn't want to leave the house again. Probably because in part that I don't enjoy having to drive the distance and to see Justin again after already seeing him on Friday. Not going to be very much for me to talk about since we covered plenty of ground back then.

It's a strange relationship, my blog. As you already well know. Some days... Hmm. She says encouraging things about our future together, but her actions don't quite line up with her words. She'll say she's excited to see me at times, but when we meet, she seems dull and distant. And sometimes this happens within an hour or less of her saying/texting that.

Don't get it. Wish I could feel an amount of certainty with her, but I don't. I want to shift my focus away from her to other things that could benefit from my attention; but she seems insistent on occupying it and then getting upset whenever I take time away from her.

Last night I was reading Jordan Peterson's book and kept getting texts from her. Sure, I responded to them, but they had the effect of making it difficult to fully understand and appreciate everything he'd written. Kind of defeated the point of reading if my mind is going from one place to another every few minutes or so.

Maybe I need to work on my focus.

I'm also listless. There's nothing really here for me to do other than to keep the place tidy. Not much meaning in life for me when that is all there is. Oh, and Battlefront. And Fola.

There is more to life than this. I know it. I've felt it.

But, I seem to have this strange way of going in cycles. I may not write for months at a time, but when I start, I seem to either pick up momentum or the enthusiasm collapses. Either, or.

This really draws into question how serious I am about making a living through my writing. I honestly feel discouraged at this point. Especially when the likelihood of my making a decent amount of money for a debut novel, is extremely low. Even more so when I can't even finish the darn thing.

Years and years of talking about the book I want to publish. Years and years of not doing it.

It sucks. I don't want to motivate myself out of fear. I would motivate myself out of necessity if I knew that would result in a favorable outcome, but I can't seem to do that either.

Laundry machine is spinning noisily. Better go downstairs and check it out.

Hmm. Yeah. That's drama, alright. That's excitement.

The laundry machine.

I'm honestly to blame for all this. But I don't know how to correct anything.

My connection to a higher power has diminished in the past while.

Still pray every night.

But it doesn't seem to change much.

I realize that the strength I am looking for has to come from within. It has to. But at the same time I can't help but shake my head wondering how much of it is actually coming from outside of myself. From some type of source. A higher self. God. Spirit. Other people. Positive interactions and circumstances.

Having a job. Having purpose. Meaning.

These things can... you know, I like not being at work right now. I like it and I don't.

But maybe this isn't the best thing for me, to be sitting around at home. Need to be brave. More willing to take chances. But... I'm sometimes at a loss for ideas as far as opportunities go.

I don't feel particularly like doing anything. I'm not avoiding activities out of fear but rather... cynicism? Being jaded?

Blase?

Funny how the name of my blog remains relevant after all those years.

Blase.

I suppose excitement is developed through momentum. When there is movement towards a positive and meaningful outcome. Good experiences that stack up on top of one another, leading to more good experiences. More positivity.

More vitality. More zest.

More of a lust for life.

But I tell you man, it's hard. Not only psychologically and spiritually, but physically.

I am still suffering from hives, or whatever it is I may be allergic towards.

I still have trouble hearing a conversation well enough to relax and not be on edge and concerned about any of the words I may miss.

But I am also mindful that... it's strange, but I sometimes am well enough to hear people and to have a conversation. It seems almost physiological. Like a kind of essential mineral in myself that is missing.

Fola just arrived, looks like I'm going to wrap this thing up.

Can't say I made much progress with anything of what I've written I suppose. But writing this all down is better than leaving it unsaid.

Still want love. Still want happiness.

Still want to write for a living, but not believing in myself enough to do so.

Or in others.

But I need to teach myself this one important thing. The thing that I remind others of.

Passion trumps talent.