Dreams

Two strange dreams today. My alarm didn't go off this morning for the second time in two weeks, and my job is at risk. I'm in camp for all of today.

Rather than worry about what will happen tomorrow, I need to first describe these dreams.

#1 had me being a superhero of sorts. I don't know what my powers are, but I do know that I can scale a large building without fear. I was doing this, and needed to go inside but had to remove a window before doing so. Went in, and a..

You know what? This dream isn't particularly interesting or revealing. I was to battle a four armed monster that looked like Goro from mortal kombat, but it didn't happen before I woke up.

Dream #2 however, was a big deal.

It started with Fola and I being in what I felt was my home. An apartment. While looking outside, I noticed several English sheepdogs running loosely around and I was excited enough to leave the place and pursue them.

As I walked around a beautiful garden area, getting close to petting one of these dogs, I then saw what looked like a puppy in the bush. Because I could only see a little of him, I picked him up cheerfully and held him before me. I was startled to see that it was not a puppy, but a creature that looked like a cross between a sloth and an anteater. I remembered feeling the initial elation of joy fade off once I realized that I was holding something that thought itself to be grotesque.

I didn't like this part because it seemed harmless to me. It looked at me with this desire to be loved, and instead, I tossed it to the ground, watching it shrink into a little ball. I vaguely remembered thinking it was a part armadillo as well. It had a long nose. And as I write about it, I'm wondering if maybe it was intended to represent me. I dislike this, because it would mean that I rejected myself. This flawed creature. Only wanting to be loved.

From here, I somehow stumbled into the company of what seemed like Gods. Demi-Gods, but they were dressed in ridiculous outfits. I remembered one of the three that I was with, looked like he had a metal box behind his head. He even was aware enough to make a joke about his appearance, and I laughed saying that I will remember his costume for Halloween next year.

Then we had a conversation. Actually, I asked them questions. Being demi Gods, I assumed they would be able to truthfully answer each one.

The first was whether or not I should stay with Fola. They all said no. Saying that I should respect myself more and to find the woman that truly deserves my heart and soul.

That part was fine, I was testing them. It seemed truthful, but once I started asking other questions, it made me doubt their wisdom.

I asked about where I should go next. But I could not hear all the words they spoke. There was something about going "south" and being a "four hour bus ride" from a "canal" of some kind. There was an impression of a tropical, tourist-like destination.

I then asked what must I do to earn a living. There was no response. I then asked if my hearing can ever be restored to normal, without having to use hearing aids. No response either.

These "Gods" in their tacky outfits did not communicate to me anything of usefulness it seemed, other than to leave Fola. Which I am in doubt about, given that they wouldn't answer my other questions.

Other things happened in this dream as well. I eventually made it back to my home, where I could hear an argument inside between Fola and someone else. I remembered standing outside the door listening in. There was a small piano in the hallway next to where my room was.

Opening the door revealed a darkened kitchen, and as I stood there, a huge crowd of party goers started walking in from the living room. I remembered being upset, and asked my uninvited guests to leave. They started doing so, and I asked Fola when she appeared as to why she didn't call the police to prevent all these people from entering my home.

She shrugged and didn't have an answer.

This is about all I can really remember. Oh, and Raiden from mortal kombat was in the living room. The last person left. I remember saying that he is the one guest I would allow to come inside uninvited. But there was a hostility when I saw him. It was like he was there for an important reason, but I was upset that he chose to appear at this moment, and not yesterday, or last week or earlier. I had the feeling that he appeared long after when I needed the counsel of a God the most. He then disappeared without a word. Apparently because I did not welcome the timing of his presence.

I also remembered my cousin Jessie pointing a gun at me in the kitchen. This was before I had left the place to chase the dogs. I had the sense she was threatened by me. Or by me and Fola. She was easily disarmed before I left, and there wasn't any fear on my part for some reason.

It was such a strange dream. Just that conversation with the Gods is worth mentioning. I don't know what to think of all this. Because of how they presented themselves, and how they ignored my other questions; I can't say that I trust their opinion on my having to leave Fola. It made sense, but it also didn't feel like trusted advice.

And the poor creature I tossed to the ground. I feel wounded now thinking about him. It was a fear of the unknown that made me do that. But it seemed like a friendly, if sad creature. It does make me wonder if I rejected myself.

That's about all I've got. There are messages coming though in my sleep, but I'm not sure how to understand them.

And tomorrow, I'm likely to be fired from work. This would be my third warning. My alarm didn't go off two weeks ago, today, and I was written up for going to first aid without doing it according to company procedure.

I don't know anymore what is to become of me. I am saddened and weary and feeling unloved and unhappy with the job I have, and...

I feel so lost.

Lost, but found. Because I trusted my gut in taking this job. I felt like it came about for a reason.

And I must also trust that if this job ends, then it also would be for a good reason. And I must continue trusting the process that brought me to this point.

There is a path, and a transformation that I appear to be undertaking. Meeting Fola was not a coincidence.

And I'm...

I don't know. I'm in need of guidance. But I also know to believe that I must trust the guidance that is already coming from within. Even if it does not make itself known. Even if the noise of my life is too loud to hear what it is trying to say.

There is confusion in my life. There is sadness. There is doubt.

And there are signs. I suppose I can only learn to trust them.

There is not much else I can do.

But to have faith.

Even if it kills me.

The little things are killing me, like this song Fola decided to share with me this morning. These are the lyrics.

lyrics

pendulum 

back of my head silhouette against the sun 
mascara trees bat the day into dusk we just 
Sway in the breeze like a pendulum 

i might choose to run or i could choose to stay 
every step forward is one step away 
from the places we came 
those good places we wait 

for an avalanche to fall 
to start fresh in the fog of a wrecking ball 

this whole thing’s a mess but i don’t mind at all 
i just stare straight and fine like a latitude line 
i see so far in front that i watch from behind 

sun in our eyes hypnotizing vision 
shadows reach back for the horizon we just 
sway in the breeze like a pendulum 

but it could be the love none of us ever knew 
or it could be so empty tumbleweeds blow through 
oh these things that we do 
brave be bold build brand new 

to make the avalanches fall 
to know when to let go of the wrecking ball 

this whole thing’s a mess but I don’t mind at all 
i just stare straight and fine like a latitude line 
i see so far in front that I watch from behind  see less

credits

from Alphabet Rain, released October 30, 2015

It's the choice part. She can stay or she can go.

I don't understand why she sent this to me.

I have this choice also.

But.

Us being apart like this is not helping our relationship. Whenever I see her, it feels like two pieces of a puzzle coming together. It just fits. It makes sense and in a way, it doesn't feel like I am getting what I want from this. But perhaps I am.

The bigger picture continues to elude me.

I wish I knew what I am doing wrong. I have a hint of it in a peripheral sort of way, but I don't know how to resolve it.

I must try.

I must go on.

And have faith.

Blemishes

So, check the time blog (edit: 11:44pm). Still Christmas, and I woke up from a dream.

In it, I remember walking around thinking about a text Fola has sent me about some guy she could "listen to for hours next to a pillow" and his name was "Qi or Ki" or something like that. I remember how I needed or wanted her to love or see me at that moment, and that I didn't know where she was because she wasn't answering the phone.

Then I was walking around some meat market with a mom and her child. They had vegetables there too, and I remember noticing they didn't have any garlic available.

But throughout, Fola's text kept lingering.

And as I woke up to have a smoke, I realized that she is not someone worth counting upon. I can't trust her. Her moods are so volitile and selfish, that the above mentioned scenario felt completely plausible to me. She would leave me hanging for hours with a text like that on my mind. Not caring how I feel about it.

It's Christmas, and my day sucked. - 41 with the windchill, 12 hour shifts, and they gave us horribly bad pizza for lunch and no Christmas dinner either.

I'm so far from home and lonely, that I could use some cheering up. Fola sent me a lovely text in the morning, but her moods changed and nothing much came after that. She left me hanging in a similar way to how I felt in my dream. Sudden mood change. No empathy. No emotion. No desire to cheer me up.

She later told me to get Whatsapp so she could send me stuff. It was disappointing. Spent most of my day looking forward to her promised "talk with you throughout the day" and I had hardly ever heard of her during work.

She could've sent me a nice picture of herself smiling. Didn't do that, and sent a sarcastic one of her and her sister. Sent me a nice video of Ivy opening up my gift, but cut the video short after she spitefully declared "what is that?!" as her daughter pulled out the talking parrot I got for her while her dad helped her open the box.

I told Fola three times to wait until tomorrow for my gifts to be opened. To spare Larry this moment. But she didn't listen and she didn't offer an explanation as to why she changed her mind.

This girl is not a good person. My time apart is showing me just how supportive and interested she is in me. There is no warmth in her soul, her voice or her actions.

Cold. Disrespectful. Entitled. Clueless. No empathy.

I'm thinking we aren't going to Cuba next month. It'll be her fault, too. Where is the money going to come from? She still owes me three or four hundred dollars from our last trip. She had over half a year to pay that off. Could have worked two days of overtime to have done it.

But hasn't. I don't think she's saving for our trip. I don't think she'll be faithful to me. I don't think she is worth making into a wife because she is difficult to negotiate with.

Yesterday we fought because I felt like she was withdrawn and holding details from me. She responded with weak unconvincing excuses and then a "we'll do better" comment. As if I had some complicity in her being distant and nonchalant.

Next day? Same issues. Hardly any texts or pictures of her Christmas while I was outside at work all day.

Garbage. Lies. Selfish and clueless and unable to place her supposed "other half" ahead of her own interests.

Was going to go to sleep thinking she isn't going to call, and because we had another sort of fight over this topic. She had the nerve to send me a quote about finding things to appreciate in my partner rather than focus on the negative.

I was insulted. She doesn't work to make this into a harmonious relationship. Which was what the quote intended to give advice upon.

I bet when I come back from my shift, she is not going to plan anything special for me. Not like the hotel room I wanted us to have last time I came back, but which she turned down so she could go dancing.

Anyways, so I texted her saying that I'm going to bed and that I understand that she's too busy to talk to me. Then she calls ten minutes later saying she intended to call, but didn't tell me when that would be. Was I supposed to ask? What if I didn't message her? Would she have called then?

Fuck, man. Listening to her on the phone, I don't hear love in her voice. It's this flat disaffected tone that feels distanced and awkward. No warmth. No attempt at cheering me up.

Painful.

Not what I want from my soulmate. Twin flame. Or any other type of relationship.

I talked to my mom for 20 minutes at around 7. So much warmth. I know she loves me. It's easy to tell.

I didn't have to call her, she called me.

From the two hours when I came to camp and went to bed, Fola decided to wait until the last minute before calling me. Saying she was going to call me all along.

Yeah, no. This girl doesn't have a heart. The bulk of our arguments all seem to involve her inability to be compassionate and loving and truthful and accountable and generous with her thoughts and feelings.

To be thoughtful and considerate enough to have told me earlier when she planned on calling. On a day when guys at work are in constant touch with their loved ones and are getting pictures and communications from them.

I don't know what else to say. I don't like where we are going. I am reminded of Jordan Peterson and how he said to look for someone you can negotiate effectively with, as far as a life partner goes.

I'm also reminded of Jordan when he said to find someone that complements and challenges you. I have.

Oh lord, I have.

And yet.

She is this empty shell. The tin man and I'm either the lion or the scarecrow in this little drama of ours.

I keep thinking I need to be more self reliant, and to not place any hopes or expectations onto her. And that's not good. I can't expect or hope for her to cheer me up because she is so fickle and clueless about how and when, because she has no empathy and the world revolves around her.

This is my cross to bear. I have never been with anyone like her before because she does feel like a mirror version of myself. A twin. Danny Devito.

What I lack, she has. What she does not have, I do.

Unfortunately, the friction is not being worked at. From her end, I feel.

Always saying what she plans on doing but rarely following through. No integrity. No confidence. No trust, and no faith.

I.

I...

I still seem to have faith in her, and that is about all that's keeping us together. This thin scrap of faith that I somehow still have left.

Not sure why she is sticking around with me, given how much I seem to be complaining about her.

I remember she was not like this when we first met. Her smiles were easy, and she did nice things for me and made me feel appreciated and loved.

No longer.

And I truly don't think that much of the blame for all this is falling on me.

When we met, I was riding a high. I loved who I was and am. I was confident and assured and the best possible version of myself at the time.

But she wore me down. As this blog testifies.

It takes two people to make a relationship work.

Not just one. As I am finding out.

So tired of this my God. This lonely cold Christmas. This heartbroken feeling when I supposedly have a girlfriend that loves me.

It feels like I'm living inside of a lie that she created.

This false persona. I felt early on that I couldn't trust her. I knew early on that there wasn't much depth to her and she was cold and emotionally neutered.

Wounded.

I knew this and tried running away. Multiple times.

But I am wounded also.

I'm on a path. The right path, but I don't know if I see Fola with me at the finish line. I don't see her being the wife or mother I have been dreaming to be with all these years.

I saw a sign earlier today. Small one, but as I was preparing tea in my cup, I glanced at the microwave and saw that the numbers said 1:11. It was around 630pm when I seen that.

Apparently I'm on the right path.

So.

Let this war continue between us if it needs to.

But I'll be damned if I let her break my heart or my spirit.

And I think this is what I must protect myself from.

By being self reliant. To not depend on her for anything. Not courtesy. Not respect. Not happiness, and certainly not the type of love that I expect and need in my life. The kind that I have given and shown her.

Multiple times.

God. Creator. Universe. Higher self. Guides.

I am trusting your judgement.

And I need all the help and encouragement and love you are able to offer.

Just keep me on the right path.

Just love and guide me to where I must go.

And let me do the rest.

Merry Christmas to you. Good night.

Love you all.

The Merry Goes Round

Wonderful. Wrote a bunch of stuff in this post, went to answer a phone call from Fola, and it's gone. Didn't auto save or anything. Thanks Blogger app. You're as unreliable and limited as usual.

I had written about what transpired after the last post. We met up the next day after I texted her what I thought was a rational well thought out argument, and it ended with not much of a resolution, but amazing sex. As usual.

I was too tired to bother arguing with her anymore. Yes, she's my twin flame, and yes, I am supposed to be learning from all this. About who I am and what I need. What I desire and dream.

And she basically turned my longings into a funhouse mirror where my values and concerns look twisted and grotesque.

Yes, so. I am tired of holding onto those values and concerns. Guarding them like a precious resource. That is not to say I no longer find them appealing, but it is to say that there are some things that I cannot demand of my partner.

Particularly from her.

I am about common ground. Believing in making sacrifices and compromise where needed in order to elevate my partner. I believe this goes both ways. Fola, however, is insistent upon autonomy. Where happiness exists independently of one another. That is the core of our arguments and disputes with one another I suppose. I find it hypocritical when she says such things because had I asserted my autonomy, I would have no need for a relationship or a reason to please anyone but myself. And same goes for her.

So this the battle I'm in. I am expected to be this hero. This lone ranger, and not be reliant on anyone else but myself. And on the other side, I truly believe that a relationship is like a collaborative effort to make two people stronger together than they would be on their own. Fola is correct in what she says, in a certain way, but greviously incorrect when looking at the bigger picture.

Hm. I'm stumped. I don't know how to feel about someone who would only be enamored of me when I am fully and completely awake and alive by my own hand. This means she would only be excited to hitch onto my wagon, rather than to help me push it forward so that it'll get enough speed. She would rather stand on the sidelines and wait for me to score a touchdown, than to pay attention and offer support for while I am struggling to do so. Does that make any sense? I don't know. I'm tired right now, and I'm not thrilled that I have had two sick days off work in camp and it's going to be minus 33 tomorrow.

I remember the way we were. She was only excited when I kept my distance, preserved my energy and expressed my authenticity.

And time with her, has worn down my edge. Made me forget who I really am and what I aspire to find in a loving relationship.

I'm learning in this painful way, that I have to find acceptance in how I am, who I am with, and where I am going. To dream my big dreams. And to do it in this lonely way, without really being built up or made appreciated for anything of what I do.

Feels like I'm rambling right now.

So, yes. We made it through another crisis and ended up having amazing sex. Again. For two days in a row.

Despite everything we ever fight about, forgiveness is ridiculously easy to come by. Not sure if this is a weakness or a failing on my part. Probably is both.

I keep finding the lines I draw in the sand, are being washed away by the feelings of my heart. My head argues, but my soul says to keep going. To keep pushing on. There is something beautiful and sacred about this connection we have, and we have yet to fully understand and respect it.

I keep telling her about middle ground. The importance of us being in disagreement, but not to the extent where we each declare our way to be the correct opinion or view to have. There needs to be a mutual understanding and respect for how we can build upon this relationship to be better than it is. If having scones baked for me is going to put a smile on my face, then she should bake me scones.

But I also must meet her halfway, and give her something of myself that requires effort.

To be honest and true to myself. Detached and unconcerned about her behavior, because I know I don't have to put up with anything that compromises my right to happiness. Yes, she will be inconsistent at times, and yes, I will have to learn to remove myself from the expectations she puts into my head whenever she says things she doesn't follow through on.

We didn't resolve much of what my concerns were, given how skilfully evasive and naive her responses were, but she did acknowledge my points and that's fine enough by me.

For now, anyways.

I love that woman. I know she loves me, even if I am confused about how and when she chooses to express that.

But, there's nothing I can do, except to work on myself. I can't control or demand things of her unless I feel them to be extremely important requests. Such as monogamy. I will not budge on that one, and I am happy that she is being accommodating to me in that respect.

So. There. Think I've said what needs to be said.

A twin flame relationship is going to be painful. Beautiful but painful.

But it's worth being in one, because the possibilities are endless.

And the love has so much depth, that it would be difficult to drink from any other well. Nothing is more satisfying to the palate of the soul, than a person with whom your deepest self can be revealed towards. In ways that words fail to convey.

So this is my journey. To evolve. To grow. To learn more about myself and there is no better teacher for me, than the woman I am now with.

I suspect she is learning things also.

Well blog. Got two texts from her.

Going back into the fray. This violent dance.

This trial by fire.

Good night. Love you.

Hope I can make you proud.

Another Post In The Wall

Second post of the day and I am still not in the greatest of moods.

When I went back into bed after writing the last post, she made a tiny effort to cuddle. That was nice but a part of me didn't want to embrace into her and get burned again.

So I kept my distance. Seems that I stayed awake until she woke up. Then I fell asleep for a bit.

Woke up around the time she started meditating, about an hour later.

It is so strange with us. I seem to be able to pick up on her. Yesterday there was additional strangeness where I had licorice on hand, and she mentioned craving licorice a few days earlier.

Gave her anal last night when she was thinking about how we haven't had anal for a long while, the day before.

Moved a statue from the bedroom to downstairs, and she said she had this hunch I moved one of them. She said it was Fortuna, but it was Lady Justice that I moved instead. Close enough.

I suppose we still have a connection with one another.

Before she left for work, I had this thought pop into my head about soul contracts. There was this thing I remember seeing on her Pinterest where it was a Reiki symbol designed to let go of past lives and soul contracts. I also remember her sending me a video with some "light transmission" in being able to do the same thing.

So I brought this up and she was confused. Saying that the symbol had nothing to do with soul contracts or past lives.

Description: 

This symbol also works very well when one wants to access their past lives. When Zonar is drawn on the Solar Plexus, it helps us to access our past lives where there is healing for trauma needed. It works as a spiritual and emotional anesthesia hence reducing the emotional pain, helping us to get rid of addictions, break repeated patterns and eliminating toxic relations from our life. Whilst accessing one’s past lives their Reiki Guides can be called for guidance.

Sure sounds like past lives to me. She was saying it was about healing the solar plexus. Okay, so we were both right on this.

But still. Argument. Small one, but an argument over this nonetheless where she asked me why I brought this up.

Earlier I was thinking that we do have a soul contract between us. I am supposed to do something and so does she. For each other's benefit. Fola agreed such things exist, but decided again to argue over what "contract" means. As in the actual word.

A contract is a pact made between two or more people in order to achieve an intended purpose. I do something, the other party does something. That's a contract.

Her explanation didn't even make sense to me. She completely left out "obligation" in the description that she gave me of it. That's what a contract is. An obligation. A responsibility.

So the reason I was thinking about this, is because we likely have a contract between us and thus, an obligation.

I am thinking that my vow is to tell the truth and to make her into a better human being.

And I am thinking that her vow is to... listen and love.

I am only guessing at this. Making her into a better human being isn't an active process, I don't think. It is more like the effect of my own thoughts and beliefs and actions and behavior. And when I think about how she was when we met and how she is now; I already do see the changes.

But it feels like she's regressing. Ever since she shaved her head. When I saw her meditating downstairs, I couldn't help but think about how manly she looked. Had I not known she was a woman, I could easily mistake her for a guy just judging from the neck up.

There is that hardness in her face. That hardness in her soul. This fierce warrior-like mentality of hers has consumed her physical features, I feel. At least when she had long hair, it reminded her of her femininity. It expressed and displayed that.

And as superficial as it sounds, without her long hair she has given herself over to a more manly persona.

No softness. No tenderness. No compassion. No fucks given.

I feel like the bitch in this relationship now because of how skewed our energies are. I am the one who wants to feel deeper emotions and love and be treated nicely and taken care of and taking care of my partner. Basically a nurturer.

Her? She wants to play the hunter part. She wants to charge full steam ahead to where ever. Even though she doesn't know where that would be, she's determined to get there.

No matter what the cost.

Remember the Illuminati and OTO thing I mentioned earlier. She is willing to sell her soul off.

And I can only remember how hard my eyes rolled when she blindly validated the purpose of these kind of groups. Or how hard my eyes rolled when she responded to my question of "you would sell your soul to the devil, huh?" with "does the devil even exist?" or something along those lines. Like the devil and God are one.

I get it Fola. Everything is "one".

Another thing that bothers me was how she called herself a "creator" when we were talking about the licorice and the anal and the statue and how those things manifested. I felt bothered by all that, because I wasn't given any credit and was made to feel like a bit player in her drama.

The argument we had after that, was my telling her she is a co-creator and not a "creator" in the sense of being God himself. You want to follow everything to its logical conclusion, then yes, everything is God. Everything comes from the source.

But reality dictates otherwise. My eyes can make the distinction between shapes. This one is different than that one. This one is invisible. That one is heavy, that one is light. Those are DIFFERENCES. These are SEPARATIONS, and though they are individualized aspects of God and are technically God himself; it would be like calling a piece of paper a tree. How nonsensical is that? Or a wooden flute a tree. The functions of each are different. The appearance is different. One is alive, one is not.

And she doesn't get this. These are the kind of banal arguments we have. She would rather argue with me over what a "tree" means than to accept using the common definition. Would rather muddy everything up for the sake of being contrary and in disagreement with me.

"Look Fola, the sky is blue. At least we can both agree to that while looking at it."

"No David, the sky looks blue but it could be bits of red and green and yellow and..."

My God, this woman I tell you.

I get it. There is subjectivity to be had, but not this much subjectivity.

We can't function in this world if we do not share a common reality. Common points of references. Common ways of communication.

Even among multiple languages, you can still translate words to meet your own. There will be some confusion but the meaning is largely left intact. Apple means apple, it can mean fruit, but...

Fuck, man.

She is crazy. Really crazy. Thoughtless and lacking in self-awareness.

I don't understand how she meditates almost every day and not be able to develop awareness within herself.

I don't understand where she gets this muddled thinking from. This desire to be contrary.

She smirked at me as she was leaving for work when she said, "you should write later on, maybe you'll feel better." and I got upset. I realize that on the surface, it is very hard to communicate the sadistic aspect of her personality because she does a masterful job of keeping everything subtle. It would be like smiling at someone while telling them at a funeral, "I am sorry for your loss" it feels that hypocritical and condescending.

Calling her out on something like that, would have her replying with "well I was nervous. Thats why I smiled."

She won't apologize for it either.

I don't respect this woman.

There doesn't seem to be much love in her. Maybe that is why she was drawn to me. Because I had a lot of it to give.

Narcissist vs Empath. I don't want to call myself an empath, and I am sure I have bits of both in me.

But I do feel things very deeply. I can tell what people want. I have an intuition that I feel is more developed than hers, and she is desperately trying to hold it up like its her special quality when she is unable to pair it with logic. You can't be completely intuitive and not have logic involved. You can't be completely logical without allowing for intuition to come in.

But with her, its intuition all the way. And its not even the kind of intuition that would tell her that I am not in a good mood and that I would need a lift or a boost.

It is not the type of intuition that tells her that I've spent a long week at work and exhausted from 12 hour days and that I would deeply appreciate being made to feel important and taken care of.

Instead, she ignores all that in favor of her ego. Her pride. Impulsiveness without logic or rational explanation involved. Does things because of how they "feel" not because of any other particular reason.

She does things to make her "feel" good. At whomever's expense. Such as my own.

When she asks me for things, I give them to her. When I ask her for things, she makes excuses, usually.

It depends on what it is, really. Anything that inconveniences her too much, she will not do. Such as cancelling out on going dancing for a few hours and spending as much time with me as possible before I have to go back to work for three weeks.

She said she was going to come over again tonight, but that was said two days ago. After the night we've had, I don't think she is going to come over tonight.

And I wouldn't be surprised if she didn't. I don't expect her to keep her word. I also don't expect her to be excited to see me after how it went with us yesterday.

There was a moment earlier after she arrived, where she confessed that she was thinking about leaving, but didn't. Making me feel like a third-rate human being who should be grateful for her queenly presence.

This isn't love that we have between us.

This feels more like competition.

This feels more like war.

And as much as I want to work with her to build a better life together; she does not want to put in the effort to include me along with it. She is okay with my putting thought and time and energy into making her feel good, giving her what she wants and doing nice things and making plans and keeping us in good spirits; but there is no obligation on her part to do the same. In her mind, anyways.

I realize now that I need to be more selfish. I can't keep giving her what she wants and letting all the things she does slide into the ether, to be forgotten about soon after I bring up my concerns and complaints about them. She keeps telling me to talk with her whenever I feel her disconnecting or if I feel sad or angry or whatever. But when I do talk to her, the conversation ends up being pointed at me and I am made to feel like I am the one in error and that I have to resolve my own feelings. She is not going to be doing that for me.

So basically, if I am in a bad mood, she has no obligation to cheer me up.

If she is "disconnecting" then she also has no obligation to re-connect.

What is the point of even having a discussion with her if she is not going to make the effort to see things from my point of view and then accepting some of the responsibility for how she made me feel? If not all of it?

All I know is that if my girlfriend came from out of town for a week and booked us a hotel for two days saying that she will be gone for three weeks and wants us to have a special weekend together; I would be excited. I would not be blowing her off saying, "you know what, I am going dancing instead. I don't want to be a bad brother."

Assuming the mirror of our situation, that is.

Had I been living with my brother and seeing him almost every day, I am not going to make the sad excuse of "I don't want to be a bad brother" when it comes to defending why I choose to go out with him rather than spending time with her.

She sees her sister every day.

Well blog. You can see my frustration here. It's not good.

A relationship is only as successful as you make it to be. It doesn't automatically happen without any effort at all. There are times when the other person needs support. Not condemnation. Not ridicule, Not disrespect.

I've had a long hard week. I needed good things. I need to recharge.

She does not want to help me with that.

So.

Fuck it.

I think...

Man... I hesitate in saying that I think we are done.

I don't think we are.

And... There is something I am unaware of that I seem tasked with having to do. Some kind of lesson.

Don't place your dreams in the hands of those that destroy them?

Or should I learn to be more selfish and not give this girl so much attention?

Because it seems that whenever I do, she takes it for granted and doesn't reciprocate.

Maybe this is what I need to do. Retreat back into who I am and was, before I met her.

Connect with my soul, again.

Go where God takes me.

Never compromise my views for someone who is unwilling to compromise theirs.

Don't give away things that will not be given back.

Don't have expectations or attachments to outcomes.

Don't trust women.

Don't dream of a perfect relationship.

Unless...

Well...

Unless she is out there waiting for me. My true Twin Flame.

Then I can dream.

And...

Someday we will be reunited.

But...

I have to go through this first.

And it is painful.

Well... new day. I think I am going to Elk Island park and will do some reading, Have a coffee. Take in a bit of nature.

Then I will have to pack for my departure. Wrap up Christmas presents.

And prepare myself for 21 days away from home.

Prepare myself for a life in which I cannot depend on my partner to give me anything of what I need.

Or want.

Well.

Here goes.

edit: Guess I'll add this one other thing.

Shortly after she arrived yesterday, we got to watching a movie. I then tried to get affectionate with her because it has been a while.

"I'm watching the movie!" she says, pushing me away.

Translation? "Fuck you. This movie is more important to me than for us to connect emotionally after a long absence."

I think that sums it up.

Exorcism

What a rough night. Can't say I am liking where things are going with us. Couldn't sleep, so I came downstairs and...

It sucks, man.

We have such opposing views that I don't think this is going to work. She isn't interested in a middle ground. In making compromises. Or taking responsibility for her actions and behavior and working to make our relationship better, rather than worse.

Drama. Always.

Soon as she walked into the door earlier today, it started.

"Why didn't you say hello and hug me?" she asked.

Maybe her barging in and not saying hello or hugging me is par for the course. How often does she do this for me? This girl who once resented my hugging her? The girl who I have to fight to get affection off of?

And.. It's such a mess. I don't know what to do.

Problems, always. She texted me just now saying she wished I would come to bed and cuddle, but I wrote back saying she didn't want to cuddle earlier. And that's true. She could have, we could have.

But we didn't.

It seems that when I withdraw, she wants to get closer. When I want to get closer, she withdraws.

I hate it.

I can't respect her views on things. She thinks Christmas is absurd. Thinks we could do away with it. Thinks marriage is dumb. Thinks we should do away with that as well.

One of the moments I disliked the most, was when we went for dinner at Original Joes. Discussion turned towards the conspiracy end of things regarding the Illuminati/OTO/etc and she gleefully announces that she would join an organization like that if she could.

When I pointed out the selfishness behind these groups, the evil within them; she reiterates that we need a dark to have a light.

Makes no sense to me. I get that, but why align yourself that way? Basically saying she is willing to be evil in order to get what she wants. Because apparently there is a need for a dark side to be expressed and someone has to play the villain.

Otherwise there are no heroes.

 But, that's not the type of partner I want. We're in opposite directions. I want to have a loving, supportive, understanding partnership where we look out for one another, make each other laugh, respect each other's views, work towards giving affection when the other person needs it; and having empathy for them enough to understand where they are coming from and where they wish to be going.

She doesn't have that. I am reminded of a few months ago where I called her a narcissist.

I still feel that this is... Well..

Sighs.

Not happy about this relationship at all. Just fights. Instead of openly complaining, she could swallow her pride for a while, force a smile onto her face and say something nice instead.

It's what I would have done. It's what I've often been doing.

And I don't have much energy anymore for this. She takes. Rarely gives.

Not much appreciation from her. Very little gratitude. Hardly any consideration for my needs and wants.

I feel so disconnected from her right now. I can't imagine this all turning around. It has to be a mutual effort. She can't say things like "I want to please you" or "I want to build you up" and then not follow through on any of these.

I can't respect this lack of integrity.

And with no respect, I don't see how things are going to get better.

Relationships take work. Sometimes we do things we don't feel like doing, in order to please someone else. This small sacrifice is a sign of commitment. Of love, basically, where we summon forth strength for the benefit of someone other than ourselves.

I feel that she doesn't do this nearly as often as I do.

And..

Well. I will go to my grave knowing that I've given this my best. I've tried. Always been trying. Still trying.

And clearly I am doing something wrong.

I am with a woman who is blown about by the changing winds of her moods and feelings. She'll say something one minute, and act completely different the next.

Some people would say that this is how women are. But I have not been involved with a woman like Fola, so I disagree with such volatility being the norm.

Besides, she should know better. There is such a thing called self-awareness. She should know the effects her actions and behavior are having on me.

But, even if she does know, she doesn't think anything has to be done about it. No correction required. I am the one who is responsible for how I feel when she does something that pushes me away or angers me or disappoints me.

I am responsible.

And I accept that. But what I don't and should not accept, is being taken for granted.

And so, my blog, I am not in a happy place right now. Three weeks of work is coming up. Christmas is coming up which I will be missing. Same with New Years.

But I'm sure Fola will have a good time without me.

As she often does.

We will argue about the need to respect traditions and customs, and in the end, her hypocrisy is such that she will happily celebrate and demand such traditions and customs.

I can't seem to make a dent in her thinking. It's exhausting. Arguing for arguing sake, is what I feel she is doing.

Anytime she is backed into a corner, she plays the victim. Anytime there is a solid argument made on my part, she will not concede my points but rather dismiss them or change the subject.

Or provide a nonsensical answer.

Such as my example of taking the game of football and changing the rules so that players can carry weapons with them onto the field, attack the fans, and do whatever the hell they want.

What I was trying to tell her that it would no longer be football if we did such things. There is a reason we have rules and boundaries. They allow for stability. They allow for progress and achievement and all such things.

The real issue is when there are too many rules that they stifles freedom and innovation and passion.

Yet, she does not want to inhabit the grey area that I reside inside of.

I am not asking for 100% agreement from her on all my views. That is impossible. What I am disappointed and disrespected by is putting forth a solid argument and having her shoot it down. And when it comes time for her to present her argument? It hardly stands up to scrutiny. An embarrassment at times, really.

Apparently she is the wise and enlightened one while I have no freaking clue what I am doing.

I am the village idiot.

And that does not feel good to me.

Since she shaved her head, she has been acting strangely. More masculine. More ignorant. More volatile.

Less feminine. Less soft. Less of what I used to like about her most.

Well. I don't know what I can do about any of this.

Just let it play itself out.

Because I have no other choice.

And I am responsible for my own happiness. I get that, but I also recognize and desire what being in a strong partnership brings.

A relationship filled with love and passion and magic and happiness and respect does not happen inside of a vacuum.

I am not basing my happiness on her, either. At least I don't think I am.

But when the woman you love and apparently are loved by decides to wound you with a knife in small subtle ways; over and over without knowing what she is doing, then I have to wonder why I am even in a relationship like this. Do I enjoy abuse?

Maybe I just continue to have hope.

Though it feels to have faded significantly in the past while.

Confidence leads to trust. And trust leads to faith.

And I don't have much confidence in her ability to be rational and level-headed and putting the interests of someone else ahead of her own.

I love that woman.

And I hate her.

She's forcing me to become like she is and I refuse to do so. I will not agree with her on some of the things that she believes in.

That's not honoring the highest good.

God.

I am a hero.

I will always be one.

I will always honor that which is good and true.

And I must continue to soldier on and believe in myself.

No matter what gets thrown at me to compromise my right to being happy and loved.

And respected.

So.

Guess I have to go upstairs and lay down with her again.

5am. Not even feeling tired.

No explanation for this, really.

It is what it is.

Tathita.

Suchness.

Let the chips fall where they may.

Stewing

So life goes on. Came back for my week off, hoping to see Fola and well, that...

It's a long story.

I find it ridiculous that I can pretty much write a blog post a day just about her. There's always drama, always tension, always passion, always... intensity.

So here is the situation I'm dealing with now. Came back for my week off and I'm expected to go out for three weeks afterwards. Talked to Fola on Monday about this, and she talked about some plans to go out with her sister and a friend dancing on Saturday night. It's a rave, trance/dance sort of thing and that I don't mind, really.

What I do mind, is that she said over the phone that she would postpone it knowing that I'll be here. Since I wasn't exactly sure if I was going to work for a week, or two weeks or what. I was expecting 21 days, but turns it out was only 7.

Once she said she would postpone it, I quickly jumped in with "you don't have to cancel on my behalf" without really thinking it through.

Yes, I don't want to tell her to cancel on my behalf. But I did. I am going to be gone for three weeks after this and it was a long stretch of 7 in a row working 12 hour shifts at a mindless job.

So I want something to look forward to when I get back home. Something exciting and different. No expenses spared.

Figured I'd book a hotel room for two nights at the airport hotel. Fancy looking place. Fola mentioned she wanted to stay there a few weeks ago.

468$ total for those nights. Confirmed the reservation. Figured I'd surprise her and then texted her the next day telling her not to make any plans for Saturday night.

But she replied with a non-commitial answer. Saying she hasn't talked with her sister yet about any plans. Just tentative ones.

Later in the day, she then says the plans are confirmed and that she would go out dancing Saturday night. Girls night out.

I was furious. Already booked the hotel and spent all day excitedly thinking about our time there. I was planning on what to bring, what to do and all these things. Two days of euphoric bliss, I thought, and at a really nice hotel.

Didn't happen. She laughed at me when I spilled the beans and said I would cancel the reservations. Thinking that I was joking.

Why the hell would I joke about something like that?

Even then, she replies without any empathy whatsoever. Just a "lol" basically, and a "we'll talk about the hotel when you get back" meaning, when I get back from my 21 day long shift.

She just doesn't give a fuck. The trouble I went though. The excitement I had. Planning something nice for the two of us.

No. She would rather go out dancing with her sister and a friend. Saying she didn't want to be a "bad" sister.

But she's okay with being a bad girlfriend.

I mean, come on. She LIVES with her sister. She sees her everyday! It's not like they haven't had a chance to connect in a long while.

It's not like she couldn't postpone it. Is it really that important for her to go?

Whatever. We had our fight,and it was a big one. She then wrote me this email addressing all of the concerns I had about her from last week, including this particular decision of hers.

I forgave her, but man... She texted me a picture of herself two hours ago wearing lipstick and makeup and ready to head out.

Fuck, man. This is not what I expected to have of a girlfriend. Or a wife.

We hung out briefly on Thursday night. It wasn't much of anything. Her sister was there and so was her daughter. We then spent maybe an hour in the car afterwards before I had to drive her home.

Friday night, we didn't do anything. Her daughter was still there and so was her sister.

And Saturday.. Well. I spent most of today making my bedroom look nice and giving it a fresh look. Bought this nice new sound system. Rearranged stuff.

Sighs.

This girl is going to be the death of me. I can...

Man...

Even my mom earlier today was surprised that we weren't spending Saturday together. When I explained why, she actually told me to have more control over her. But I tried. We had this argument already. Nothing came of it. If I can't entice her with a fancy hotel, then there's no hope in reversing her decision.

I hate it. This is... such a test. A trial.

My worse fears being exposed. The fear of betrayal. Her meeting some guy. Maybe blowing him in a bathroom. I don't know. That lipstick she put on had its historical origin in prostitution.

And the makeup. And the mascara. Stuff that I've saw maybe once in the time I've been with her.

It is such a joke. Such cruelty. And she is oblivious to all this. She will make excuse until the cows come home.

She is not good at reassuring me. She doesn't feel like she has to. And I don't know what'll happen when she comes by tomorrow, but I doubt I'm going to feel excited enough to make her excited. To please her in conversation and in bed.

That's the problem. When I feel good, she gets to feel good. When I feel like shit, I will then treat her that way. Or I will be boring. Restrained. Without passion or fire or flame.

And then she in turn will feel the effects of that. And that will cause a downward spiral where she feels less for me because of her inability to express affection and empathy in a committed relationship.

Her priorities... Well. I can only see myself in the reverse situation. My girlfriend is coming home after being out of town for a week and tells me she's going to be gone for three weeks once she goes back. Then, she decides to surprise me with a two day stay at a hotel. Her expense.

Would I really brush her off and tell her that I'm going out with friends instead?

Fola made the argument that her sister is important to her. I don't dispute that. What I do dispute is her behaving like she's still single.

I dispute her dressing herself all up with makeup and lipstick and going out to get hit on by guys. Or talking to guys. Most of whom are likely to be single and are looking to get laid.

I don't like this kind of relationship. It's painful. It wounds me like nothing else. I can still remember the feeling of betrayal that Lauren has left me with all those years ago. I can still remember how other girlfriends of mine have and would never do anything like this.

Georgina certainly wouldn't.

Sighs.

I keep thinking that... I have to learn from all this. About power. About attraction. About relationships and my role in them. I have to learn something. To do and behave in a way that will make me into a better man.

But boy does Fola make it difficult. In this almost necessary way I have to become Zen-like just to manage to get through moments like this. And it's tough. As much as I've learned about detachment and being true to who I am, and going through life without expectations; Fola is putting all that to the test and making me examine the convictions of my beliefs.

I haven't done much writing in a long while. My other blog is basically dead. Haven't posted on there since September.

I really should get back to writing again. I don't know why I've stopped. But that can't be good. Writing is something I'm... decent at. I enjoy it when I write something meaningful and interesting and revealing.

But this girl consumes all of my thoughts and energy. I HAVE to detach myself from them.

I have to find my purpose on my own. She can't be my purpose or meaning in life.

And yet. It feels like she is.

I can't explain it. The intense connection we have is not without meaning. It can be developed more than it already is. It can become better and more powerful and deeper and amazing and incredible.

And yet, she undermines it. In so many small subtle ways. Like this thing tonight.

I'm so tired of her immaturity. Her lack of consideration. I decided to text her telling her exactly how I was feeling about all this and she wrote back with "I understand" and a "I love you".

That's it. She understands and she loves me.

Well, I don't feel loved. This doesn't feel like love to me at all. Especially when I'm texting her today and she's writing this short, dead-end responses. Not much in the way of expanding the conversation at all. Just getting by.

I miss how we were. I want that back.

I want more than what we are. Marriage. Maybe kids. Moving in together.

Being happy, especially. I don't feel like I've been happy with her in the past while.

And when I am unhappy, everyone around me suffers.

And she does not DO anything. Her email to me talked about how she wants to "build me up" after I told her how it felt like she was tearing me down all week.

Well Fola. Build me up then. I haven't seen an example of this since you typed those words.

But you sure like to speak them.

Live by the words you speak. Have some integrity. Follow through. Show some empathy.

Be a good girlfriend to me.

And I will be an amazing boyfriend in return.

But...

She is who she is and I have to accept that. I have no other choice. I can voice my concerns and complains and issue ultimatums, but what good is any of that going to do? Something will come up again. And again. And again.

I just have to face the fact that Fola is a challenge for me to get through, and I must see it though.

No matter what she does or says.

I have to stay true to myself. To find and accomplish my purpose. To realize happiness on my own terms and not with her.

Even though I want to.

That's the tough part. The nonsensical part, really. Shouldn't we both be working towards a good relationship? Why does it feel so one-sided.

I mean...

Ugh. I can't say she doesn't do anything. Around my birthday, she was perfect, but that then faded off. Just like everything fades off with her.

It all ties into the respect she has for me, I suppose. When I have no respect for myself, it shows. And she will walk all over me, making things worse.

She is really testing me I tell you. Testing my autonomy.

My patience.

My faith.

It really feels like a situation where I have to have faith. No matter what.

It feels like I've lost it in the past month or so.

It feels like I've disconnected from the source.

And I don't like that either.

It would be easy for me to point fingers and say this is why it is. Because of this and that and this drama and that awkwardness and this lack of consideration and on and on it goes.

But, I can't...

Can't keep doing that.

She is making me how I feel. I know this.

But I get to choose how I feel. I know this too.

And when I believe in myself. In my powers. In my talents and emotions and being comfortable in my skin and knowing full-well what I have to offer the girl of my dreams; it all becomes a kind of magic onto myself.

And it lasts for as long as until she undermines all that. Like with tonight.

Sighs.

I have recently begun thinking of her as a test. Perhaps this is exactly what it is. I have to shrug everything off. I have to see myself as a key and she is a door. She exists only for me to walk through it to the other side.

And on the other side, must be where my true love is waiting for me. My true twin flame.

The girl of my dreams.

I still remember Boyd at Sundra Healing and how we did the card reading together. He asked me at one point to really ask myself if I knew whether or not my twin flame was here.

I remember saying no. She wasn't.

And perhaps that is the actual truth of how things are.

Perhaps this lifetime will not be the one where I will get to be with her.

Perhaps she was Georgina, and I screwed that up. Wasn't ready.

But in the next life I will be.

I will have earned the right to be with her.

Somehow or another, my love and I will be reunited.

And all this heartache will have been worth going through.

Perhaps.

We will see.

For now I must rest. Relax. Take things as they come.

Be honest with myself.

Really honest.

And pray that I am doing the right thing each step of the way.

Because it's all I can really do.

Well... Midnight. Probably should go to bed.

Fola is still at the thing.

Well blog.

I love you man.

You don't complain or judge or do anything but listen to the crap I have to say. Whatever it is, makes no difference.

And it feels good.

Good enough for me to be able to survive another day.

And figure stuff out.

I am...

Sighs. Don't know if I want to even say this to you my blog, but everyone has their secrets and I have a pretty big one. There are hints of it scattered throughout my posts.

You're smart enough to put two and two together.

I am.

I will.

I am here.

And I will prevail.

Fiction

Well, a fight with Fola again. Seems to happen on a weekly basis now.

I'm at work starting my last shift with zero sleep after spending all night thinking about what I texted Fola with.

It's ridiculous. I love this woman, and I can't say I feel convinced enough to know that she loves me. She'll say it, but I sometimes don't feel it. Or see it.

I have examples to draw from, but I really don't care to list them out. I just have to accept that this is the way she makes me feel at times. When we're not in bed together, or alone; it sometimes feels like I'm with a completely different person.

I don't understand her. I do, and I don't. I was thinking that maybe I don't understand women, but that's not right either. I've been in plenty of relationships before, and I know that I've given Fola the biggest and best parts of myself above all others.

And she takes it for granted. Mind-blowing sex doesn't even fade off with her after we leave the bedroom. It clicks off like a light switch. There is no afterglow. It's almost like I'm a ghost.

Hand holding? She hasn't initiated that yet, so far I don't think. Putting her arm through mine? Might have never been done by her where I didn't have to ask or do it myself.

Romance feels dead with this girl. Seems like there's no incentive for me to even try when she dismisses what I do with a wave of her queenly hand. Would rather hang out with her sister Sade, who she lives with and sees practically every day, than to spend two days with me at a nice hotel. All expenses paid, which was to be part of her Christmas gift.

She doesn't like the idea of gift giving, btw. But doesn't know how to describe her aversion without coming across as a "Grinch" which I'd say is exactly what she is, given her lack of interest in celebrating any holiday. Including our upcoming one year anniversary.

All I can think, is that I am doing this all wrong. She doesn't want someone to baby and take care of and made to feel good; she wants to stand behind a guy that rules over her with an iron fist, but she is not willing to give up her autonomy to do that.

To trust and surrender to my judgement.

I think that's one of, if not the only issue that is affecting our relationship. That, and being so... Stingy and selective with her thoughts and feelings. To be fair, she has gotten better expressing her feelings, but sometimes the words don't match up.

"I am going to jump you tonight, lol" was a text I got from her not ten minutes before we met to go grocery shopping. What happens? She distances herself. Trying to get her to be close to me resulted in an epic fail and she was in this state of annoyance and irritation. My God, why did I put the mushrooms on top of the pizza and not below the cheese? Wasn't I making the pizza? Didn't I already prove to her that I make awesome pizza? Why challenge my expertise? Why complain and then openly declare to the room that she's annoyed, like she can't understand why and as if I'm supposed to do something or figure it out for her.

Why not reverse her mentality and speak in positive terms? Sure the mushrooms are on top, but who gives a fuck, really? It's not ruining the pizza. And if it did, I would take full responsibility for it. Instead, a hug from behind and a "thank you" or "looks delicious, nice job!" would've made all the difference in the world.

Even her sister was amused. I'm thankful that I at least had a witness to back me up.

And, man. I still feel entwined with her. She's my complementary other half. If anything, we're making each other stronger as we go and this process, however painful it is; seems absolutely necessary if both of us wish to transcend our egos outside of the bedroom. The only place where we seem to honor the naked truth of ourselves. Both figuratively and literally.

Sighs. I devote so much time to that woman. My mind, heart and soul seems to have her initials tattooed across them. And she devotes plenty of time to me as well, I'll have to admit.

But it feels like I'm trying to steer a boat, and she's constantly pulling at the wheel, making us have to course correct where we are wanting to go.

Sucks, but I can't think of much else I can do other than to let these moments play themselves out. She doesn't want to deal with negativity, and I don't either, but what she doesn't seem to understand is how crucial it is to resolve these issues in a sincere and thoughtful manner rather than to sweep them under the rug to be dealt with later.

Kind of like refusing to take out the trash. Eventually it'll pile up and start to rot. Then the finger pointing begins as to who is neglectful and lazy about their responsibilities in this relationship and the work that both of us have to put in, in order to keep each other happy.

And boy, if only I knew what would make her happy enough not to disrespect me like she does.

I have an idea of what that might be, but we're not at that point yet. Not until we fix the problems and issues we're dealing with right now. Issues from months ago, going unresolved and festering and unacknowledged.

Well. I've been doing my part as best as I can since the beginning of when we met. From her being polyamorous and unwilling to be physically affectionate. To now. A definite improvement, but still an unpolished work in progress.

As am I.

Growth. Faith. Love. Devotion. Trust. Surrender. And all that will equal a comfortable autonomy between the two of us. But until then, the fights will continue, and I will drag us to the finish line no matter how much kicking and screaming happens along the way.

I'll do my best. And sometimes that involves being at my worst. Expressing a part of myself that I wish I didn't have to reveal.

But again, blog. What more can I do but to stay the course until her grip loosens enough on the wheel for me to do my job, and take us where we want to be.

Until then, we will be dealing with the storm until it passes. And so far, we've been managing well and getting better each time.

I'm optimistic. I love her and I know she loves me.

Meeting of Minds

Yesterday I met Fola's best friend Lenore at Remedy Cafe, and well, it was okay.

One thing I've learned, is that a lot of millennials happen to have this air of selfishness and separation around them. As if they aren't too fond of poking a head outside of their bubble to see what lies beyond their limited perceptions.

I came about this observation after a bit of sitting at the table at Remedy, listening to Fola and Lenore talk about people I don't know and situations I have little interest in. Basically they were gossiping. It would have made no difference if I was there or not, and for Lenore to have said that she really wants to meet me; she certainly didn't express much interest in talking about anything but her own issues of which I had no familiarity with. There wasn't a "so what do you do for work? what are you interested in?" moment with her, and Fola was to blame also for not being more inclusive. Although she did draw me in a few times, the conversation itself was about on par with my telling someone about a person we mutually know, while my partner is off to the side like she doesn't exist. Kind of like two Cricket players talking specifics about the sport, while the third person there has no idea what Cricket is.

Meh. It didn't bother me too much, I was able to let my eye wander around the cafe and find interest in the people that were there. It wasn't a complete bust, however, as Lenore finally got into something that I could chew on when she brought up the rights of indigenous women and their mistreatment in society. Although I didn't know much about the topic, we shared a moment of connection and passion/energy flowed between us.

One thing I didn't like is how silent Fola was during this phase. I also didn't like how she kept smiling, as if she was excited to see fireworks between us since I'm passionate about certain issues as well, and anyone who gets into the subject of the "patriarchy" and how shitty it has been for civilization, tends to arouse certain convictions within myself that I feel compelled to share.

Fortunately, there were no fireworks. There was a brief spell of mildly heated discussion that went amicably, being that I didn't know much about indigenous women and the plight they face, so I tended to agree with Lenore on much of what she said. Ultimately, I wasn't there to pick a fight and had no interest in a power struggle. Especially with someone I'd only just met. It ended with a hug between us, and that was that.

Hmph. Fola... Well. Sex is as amazing as ever. When we got back and started listening to Dracula as performed by Kronos Quartet and Philip Glass; I felt really at peace and within myself. So much so, that I'm certain Fola felt the energy I was putting out and became enamored of it. So we had sex. Amazing sex, again I must say.

But still, she's a royal... hm. Pain in the butt was what I was going to say next, but.. I still can't quite label her as I would like to. There is ignorance in her, particularly when she argues with me about things and then months down the road, uses my same arguments for her own, as if I had never said them in the first place. "Action speaks louder than words" for example, was one of the things I kept saying back in the day because I was tired of all the promises and "I want to..." she kept telling me. I would rather she show me that she loves me, than to talk about it. Or to say things like, "I wish I could commit more to you" and then not following through on what that might entail. Or the feelings and sentiments behind that. Just like a light switch, she'll say something like that and the next hour she is completely forgetful of whatever it was she said or promised or felt. But yeah, she threw out that quote of mine as if she earnestly believed it.

Meh. I'm not doing the best job of describing all this, but generally I think it's safe to say that hypocrisy is a huge problem with her. On the couch last night she kept talking about how she wants psychic powers and to develop her intuition and see auras and all this jazz; and all I could think was how impatient and power-hungry she was. Even if she got those things, she would not know how to use them. More importantly, she wouldn't deserve to have those things. Like giving a gun to a chimpanzee who has no idea how to clean or maintain it, and only knows how to pull the trigger.

I tried to tell her that self-awareness and working on her spiritual development is far more important than getting psychic "powers". I often see how lacking in self-awareness she really is, and I feel disappointed each time I see her become oblivious to what she says and does and how it affects those around her and how contrary some of the things she says are. Such as how she wants to be a "healer" but has little to offer in the way of genuine compassion and understanding and desire to really become grounded and aware of who she is and what she is lacking in. There is no... Well, I tried to offer up an analogy which probably went in one ear and out the other. It went like this:

"You are trying to get from the bottom of the stairs to the top, without taking it one step at a time."

And I think that sums it up best. She wants everything for nothing. She is ignorant of the fact that to help yourself and to better yourself is absolutely a requirement if you wish to better others. You can't heal someone if you don't understand them, and the best way to start in understanding others, is to first understand yourself.

And she most certainly does not understand herself.

There are more details on how I came about to this conclusion, but I don't feel interested enough to list them all out. Suffice to say, it came to a point last night where I said my prayers and asked for advice. To be shown in a dream or in a sign, as to what is the purpose of my being with Fola. What am I supposed to achieve? Or her? Or help her achieve? Am I the master or slave in this relationship? The student more so than the teacher? Or are we both teachers and students? Am I supposed to help her evolve? Is that my role? What did I sign up for?

So I asked for a sign or a dream that would provide this answer, and I believe I was given one because I woke up this morning remembering two dogs.

Each were English Sheepdogs. The type of breed I most would want to own someday. One was covered in almost completely white fur, while the other was in gray.

At the beginning of the dream, I remember seeing each dog by a group of people. Ostensibly their owners, and as the dream progressed, these two dogs were wandering around lost as I drove by.

Each of them had a leash attached that was trailing behind them. Interestingly, the white one was split in "two" pieces, the back half and the front half. The grey one was whole. I then acquired both of them, and the white one may have became whole again. I can't remember.

So this is how I analyzed the dream:

Those two dogs represented something I wanted. English Sheepdog. Wanted or desired or admired.. take your pick.

The white one represented me. The more conscientious and righteous and sensible one. The one that respected morals and virtues and decency and expressed purity.

The grey one represented Fola. The other half to the Yin and Yang of these two dogs. The darker side. The not so conscientious and respectful or decent and morally virtuous.

I realize I am sounding like I'm this amazingly virtuous person, and I don't like to label myself this way, but comparing myself and Fola; I do fit that category more than she does.

So... The white one was in half because it needed to be whole. It was torn between the light and the dark, is how I came to see it. Torn in two different directions.

Each of the dogs became lost, until I found them.

And perhaps this is the point. I had to find Fola. That was my purpose. She was lost and now she is found.

But I am torn between two worlds here. I do not agree with a lot of what she does and believes in. She is the Destroyer of worlds, I would almost say. The type that doesn't see the value in structures and institutions and traditions. The type that would rather tear it all down to (presumably) build something new atop the rubble.

Problem is with that approach, is that she has no idea of what to replace a destroyed tradition or institution with. There is no intelligence behind any of it. I mean, sure, there is intelligence, but not of the kind that has thought of the best resolution/outcome for everybody other than the intelligence itself.

I am also reminded of how she complained to me about festival goers who show up to "party hard" and do drugs, rather than to listen to the music or to soak in the spirit of the festival itself and what it is commemorating.

To me, that is hypocrisy. The Shambhala festival was built on love and compassion and spirituality, so yes, a bunch of drunken idiots who show up to party hard and do drugs; is entirely missing the point of all that and should not be included in the festivities. She agreed with me on this.

And yet, she doesn't seem to understand, no matter how many ways I try to impress it upon her, that her gripe with the festival is translating to other areas as well. Marriage, for example, can only function when its principles are adhered towards. You can't show up being irresponsible and thoughtless and inconsiderate and selfish when it comes to getting married. I mean, sure, people do this all the time, and look where that takes them. Divorce. Acrimonious splits. "Irreconcilable differences."

And she can't seem to understand any of this. She wants to do away with marriage. With church. With other things.

Particularly hypocritical, was her once telling me that all information needs to be "free" and "shared" but she withholds things from me all the time. Wouldn't tell me what a certain Reiki symbol means until I took the course. Wouldn't share any of the techniques or things discussed at her Shaman retreat; wouldn't share much about the NLP course she's taking. Just completely hypocritical. We had a big argument about that and my words didn't seem to make a dent. She wants to keep secrets between us but wants me to be open and honest with her? Not going to happen. She is intentionally drawing a line separating us. Everything for nothing.

One other thing I brought up, was how important it is for respect to be shown towards sacredness. What I mean by that, is respecting a sacred moment in time and not take it lightly or for granted or dismiss it shortly after it has been presented to you. I speak of the sex we have sometimes, where it felt outerwordly and transcendent; only for her to forget about it shortly after like it never existed.

The example I gave her about all this, was when I got my attunement done during Reiki class. I was annoyed that shortly after it ended, like seconds after, the two Reiki "masters" Donna and Valerie; started gabbing about unrelated stuff and pulling me out of the moment. Disrespecting the moment, to be more precise. Taking it for granted. Marginalizing it.

Same stuff.

But what did Fola say about that example? She turned it around on me, and said it was okay for those two to gab about whatever they wanted. That I shouldn't "control" moments like that by insisting they play out exactly as I would want them to.

What a load of crock. Thats not what I meant at all. Yes, I desire respect to be shown towards an act of sacredness and the proper reverence it is due; but I do not get upset that I can't "control" a situation. I am more upset that people violate the sacred in favor of the profane, in favor of their own selfish needs and desires and wants at the expense of others.

It's such a stupid argument. She is all about letting go of "control" and structure and norms and rituals and practices that all have their particular rules and etiquette, but she is annoyed that festival-goers who show up to party hard and do drugs are ignoring the spirit and intentions of the event they are attending.

See what I mean by hypocrisy? It runs deep with her. It annoys the hell out of me, but I am trying my best to be patient and understanding and gentle with her. But I don't know if even this is the correct approach to take. She wants to do away with convention, but at the same time wants to keep them.

I'm seeing our relationship as a kind of battle. She won't respect or listen to anything of what I say, but she will happily parrot exactly the points I use to argue with her, months down the road.

Guess I'll have to accept that.

If my purpose is to drag her towards a higher evolution, kicking and screaming; then so be it. If this is what I have to put up with, I suppose I will grit my teeth and bear it.

Because there is progress. In the short-term, she will be argumentative and resistant to what I am saying, but I know later on that the things I tell her will manifest themselves inside of her mind and become a part of who she is.

It'll take time.

She likes to argue. To goad people. To get reactions out of them even if she has to play the ignorant or contrary fool to do so.

I understand that on a level. I was much the same way she is.

So. It'll take time.

And...

Guess I got my answer.

Hm.

One more day and then back on a plane to Fort Hills.

Three weeks off.

Time to get myself back to work.

Hair Today, Gone Tomorrow

Well blog, thats the end of Fola's hair.

I cut it and she shaved it. Basically wanted a fresh start and to release old "energy" which I somewhat agree with on principle.

But I'm mainly glad because of this:

Horrible picture, isn't it? Those are my eyes opened up as wide as I can, and there's this gunk building up between them and dry skin and ugh. Such a shitty "reaction" to whatever it is I'm allergic towards.

I texted Fola earlier today telling her how I thought it was her hair that might've been the cause of all this. I mean, dreadlocks house bacteria don't they? Especially when they aren't being washed for weeks or months at a time. I thought it was a reasonable assumption, even if she took offense to it despite my trying to be amicable and not place any blame on her.

Didn't work out that way, of course. I'm not in a very empathetic mood today. Had perogies with my mom earlier, and, well.. most of the day was spent playing Battlefront and I kept telling myself earlier that I wouldn't be gaming as much today. How wrong I was.

It's so shitty having this eye and skin thing happening. I was feeling almost 100% better before yesterday when Fola shaved her head. I remember sitting on my couch after she left and there was this itching outbreak where my whole body and head and face were just screaming for some fingernails to be raked across them. Then I remembered touching my left eye at one point. Hours later, the gunk came back again. And back to using those antibiotic eye drops that don't appear to do very much. Sighs.

Well.. I failed at texting today because I indulged in escapism. Gaming and not giving a fuck about other people but myself basically were the ingredients that made me text Fola what I did. Yeah, I spoke the truth of how I felt, but at the same time, I wasn't very tactful about it.

Meh. There are other things that annoy me as well.

Sighs. I'm having an inner monologue as to whether or not I should be typing those out. Yes, its Fola related. May as well have a go at it.

So, amazing sex yesterday. Twice. She wanted to see us in the mirror, so I laid down my floor mirror onto its side and we had sex on the floor. Really, really amazing sex. Then, in bed, we did it again. Amazing again as well.

Just when you think things can't get any better, they do. Somehow, with us.

Except what annoys me, is the bit of time that elapses afterwards. Where we go from "I love yous" that are said sincerely and honestly, to.. basically forgetting everything that happened earlier. No rosy warm afterglow. I knew this because when I got into her car for us to go to dinner, it was the music she put on that completely switched gears. This awful hip-hop shit about female empowerment and whatever, and the vibe it put out completely demolished the magic we both created earlier. And she seemed completely oblivious to this as well. Like nothing ever happened.

Sitting next to her in the car, I felt awkward about wanting to hold her hand or touch her leg because it was like an instant wall was put up between us. A wall that I didn't want to be seeing. But a wall that cleaved the space between us neatly, and made me feel like..

Used. I guess. Unappreciated.

Nothing seems to really.. stick with her. I don't know. In bed she told me about how she wished she could be more "committed" to me, and didn't know what that involves. I told her to show me that she loves me and not tell me these things. I'm tired of hearing words. I want her to fake a rosy afterglow and show a bit more respect for what had passed between us earlier. That's what I want. Not this "ho hum, been there done that" type of attitude where she dismisses the sacredness of what we each been a part of.

I don't know blog, maybe I'm whining, but every day is something new with this chick. That's both a good and bad thing. Good, because it keeps me on my toes, and bad, because I'm expending far too much of my energy trying to ... hmm. Please her. Keep her happy. Keep myself happy.

It all shouldn't have to be this much work.

And she told me to fuck off yesterday, basically. Yeah, it was a "joke" in response to one of mine, but still completely inappropriate. Hated that.

I've already accepted that she is immature and has a ways to go. I'm doing my best to be patient and forgiving and loving and sympathetic, but it can get to be a real chore sometimes.

I love her, and I think she loves me.. Well, in certain situations it seems. Other situations I'm not so sure, Like being told to fuck off, for example.

Meh. Underlying resentment between the both of us, layed over with love. That's about the best way I can describe our relationship.

But we're still going strong. It may be a step backwards, but we seem to take two steps forward every once in a while. There is momentum. There is ground being gained,

And that's about all I have right now to be happy about. Progression.

I suppose ultimately, I want Fola to become the woman I most.. Hmm.. The woman that makes me genuinely happy to be with. Like..

Hmm. I'm happy while with her, usually... or with Ivy.. but.. Happy. Like.. she makes ME happy, rather than the other way around.

I give that girl so much of myself that I wonder how am I.. or where am I going to be plugging into for my source of happiness. I don't really even know what that is. Intimate moments with her, yes, good conversations with her, yes.

But..

Sighs.

She confuses the hell out of me. But then again, I confuse the hell out of myself.

This really feels like an unholy alliance of sorts. I'm feeding her, and she's eating it all up. And she's not particularly respecting all that I do for her it seems. Although I know she does, but it certainly isn't consistent. There are times when its like.. she's a different person altogether.

I was thinking before that she really is an entitled millennial with narcissistic tendencies. This to me, is what I have to "work" with. A challenge to be sure, but a potentially rewarding one as well.

And a rewarding one at present. The changes I've seen in her in the short time I've known her, have been incredible. She really has changed.

But myself?

Hmm. I'm... not taking as much time for myself, it seems. My identity seems to be centered around her, at the moment. My writing hasn't been the greatest. There has been no "dreams" that I've really been pursuing. My biggest thing has been investing in a marijuana stock. That's about it.

It seems like I am waiting for something. Some kind of event. Or change, that will flip the switches in me and.. allow for me to realize my purpose.

My purpose can't just be this one woman, can it?

I wonder about soul contracts and things of that sort. I wonder if I made some sort of bargain to... teach her.. to help her evolve and mature, somehow. Maybe I am fulfilling it, and maybe I am not.

Maybe that is my purpose. My only purpose in this life.

I don't know.

As a believer in reincarnation, I guess I will find out when I pass.

But... Should I deny myself happiness in exchange for the happiness of another?

That's a question I am struggling with. The answer should be a clear and loud NO, but... it seems like... something I should be doing at the moment. I should be putting her first.

But I also know that I shouldn't. And yet I am. Unconsciously, and now with writing all this, consciously.

Hm. I have to keep trust in myself. I am an enigma. I have surprised myself many times before.

Things will be revealed as they need to be. Light will be shone when it has to be.

All things in time,

I believe. This is... a challenge of sorts. I can't really say what it is, but it is important enough for me to stick with. With Fola, I mean. To really smooth things over and make things well with us.

To be unflinchingly honest, even if I sometimes feel like I can't trust her.

I wish I could. Had she not flipped the "switch" so often and casually shortly after another one of our deeply intimate moments; I would believe that she loves me.

And.. her dressing up in heels and lingerie seemed like a one-time only thing.

I guess she's trying.. but is inconsistent... Maybe I am doing something wrong as well. I'm not sure, but I do try to learn and pay attention.

And that takes up a lot of my time and energy.

Hm.

But this is what I feel like I need to be doing right now.

Maybe I owe her a karmic debt. Maybe she owes me one.

I don't know. But this has to play itself out.

At some point, the truth will be revealed.

And I must above all else, to thine self be true.

That might be the greatest challenge of all.

It may not even be her.

Sighs.

The journey continues.