Booming footsteps are coming from next door to me. There is no peace in this place. Constant noise, constant interruptions, can't get a moment to think, to be silent, to meditate and pray.
No peace.
How I miss my old Fortress of Solitude. Where I could sit in a bath in the dark with a book and some music and forget the world exists. Diving deep into myself and feeling content and safe and without prying eyes to see or know what it is that I am doing.
I still remember how when my mother said, "I need to keep an eye on you" when I had to move in with her. The tone of her voice communicated something dark within her. A not wanting of letting me go and being my own man. Every big decision I was considering seemed to not win her approval.
There are dark forces in this world and many don't realize that they harbor these Satanic intelligences within them. I know, because I too had to deal with these powers. They do exist. They are interested in feeding off of our light, causing problems and fostering doubt, confused and passing that confusion onto others.
Whether they realize it or not, that is what these spirits do.
As I said in my last post, I wish I would have known all these things years ago. I had a gut-knowing but there was still that uncertainty lingering. I couldn't fully believe there were these external invisible intelligences whose purpose is to lead mankind astray.
And I didn't think that such forces would be inside of people, either. I mean... I know there are evil people out there but it didn't occur to me there was an agenda beneath their exterior that wasn't quite their own. That they unconsciously expressed darkness even when they appeared as normal human beings.
I've come closer to realizing why we are here and what we need to do. We are here to keep the light alive within us, to pass it onto others, to nurture and protect this innocent child-like spirit within ourselves from those who do not have it within them.
We are to follow our passions, that which gives us life and light and build upon those energies so we can give them to the world. So we can nourish ourselves and others. That is the role of an introvert. To give without expectation of a reward. To share the bounties of their treasures to those that appreciate them.
And not to throw pearls before swine, of which there are many.
How I wish I knew all these things years ago. To keep to myself. Guarding against the darkness.
Welcoming only that which adds rather than subtracts to my life.
To not succumb to whims and urges and lusts. To exercise discipline, maintain honor, keep my self-respect and my passions alive.
That is what I was filled with. Passion. I had so much of myself to give that it felt overflowing.
And there were people who wanted to take as much of it as they could for themselves.
I've done so much studying and learning that I forgot the most important part of the process.
Application. Knowledge without application is useless.
To be fair, I did not learn the most important lessons prior to my mistakes. I do not recall coming across certain Gnostic ideas and truths prior to my needing to apply them.
It was after I lost everything that I sought the most important truths.
I don't know if I would have found them otherwise.
It is hard to build up my life-force energy in this place. Impossible I would say. There is nothing here other than Princess who adds to it and makes me feel a little better. I don't cook my own food, I don't buy my own groceries, I don't care about any of the decorations here or keeping the place clean because it feels like I'm living in someone else's home.
And I am.
My home is with God. My heart belongs to that which is on the side of goodness, truth, beauty, compassion, justice, prosperity and freedom.
That is what I call God, anyways.
Not what is in the Old Testament. A God that was looking to kill Moses for whatever reason but stopped once his wife chopped off their son's foreskin and threw the bleeding part onto his feet.
Absolutely ridiculous what the Old Testament has in it. So many examples of absurd behavior. So many instances of murder being supported by Yahweh despite what he commanded against.
And people like Cain who murdered his brother Abel seems to be allowed to walk off without punishment. That's how you know the God of the Old Testament isn't the one we should be supporting.
The God that flooded the world. That destroyed cities. That commanded circumcision.
The God that allowed for Job to be humiliated and defeated, killing his servants in order to prove a point to the "devil" that Job would love him no matter what. And guess what? Job didn't love God towards the end of the book despite having his fortunes restored. He cursed Yahweh.
And rightfully so. What kind of loving being would punish his most loyal follower just to prove a point? It's also curious how a portion of text is missing from the beginning part of this entire story where "Satan" enters the picture.
I am thinking that we have been lied towards.
The Old Testament is an inversion. A story about ONE God who is named Yahweh that has been given dominion over the Israelites. A God of murder and jealousy and rage and pettiness.
40 years of wandering in the desert looking for the promised land and starving along the way. Forty years! What a testament to the faith of those who followed Moses out of Egypt. Wandering for forty YEARS and then "God" gets mad at them for complaining when they couldn't find food or water.
Even 20 years is too much. 10 years.
Israel Anderson is an interesting commentator on YouTube who pointed out how sick the Exodus really was. How hateful God must have been to command a 40 year journey of suffering and starvation.
On Twitter I am noticing some of my ideas and observations are being echoed by other people. That's good. We need to wake up to the nonsense of the Old Testament and realize that it should never have been placed next to the New Testament.
There would be questions for Christians of course, as to how the world began which Genesis describes for us but it would be better to separate those two books.
And create a New Testament with the "missing" gospels restored to them. Such as Enoch. Gospel of Thomas. Apocryphon of John.
And whatever else is hidden in the library of the Vatican.
For someone like myself who spent most of the years of his life remembering to pray each night, I have very little to show for any of it. I used to think that I had trusted God more than I trusted myself.
Now I'm not praying nearly as much. Although I still do.
I want my light back. I want my soul restored.
I want my solitude and peace. Surrounded by nature. Feeling the warm sun on my skin.
Clean water. Clean food. Clean air.
It seems that the more I research the Gnostic texts and read the Bible with a critical eye, the more I am realizing that it isn't God we should be petitioning to for help. God should not be externalized and thought to be a deity of independent thought. Perhaps He is as such, but he does not appear to be operating in our realm if Yeshua had told us who the true ruler of this world is in 2 Corinthians 4:4,
"In their case, the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."
Blinded the minds of the unbelievers. Those who do not seek truth.
Christ... being the image of God, well... Jesus did say that "I and the Father are one"
In alignment is what he means. Not that he was God himself.
I think this is the occulted Truth we must all embrace. We are the sons and daughters of God. We can be in alignment with Him/It as Yeshua was. The way to the Father is through him, which means to follow the path that he has laid out for us. To walk in truth, to keep seeking until we find.
How I desperately want to follow the example he's set for us. If only they didn't mess around with the Bible as much as they did because not everything in the New Testament is correct and makes sense, either.
But it at least makes more sense than the Old Testament does.
So I'm tired of all this, really I am. I just want myself to be back to the way I was.
I have all of this information in my head and no way of applying any of it. Came so close with my investments. Literally hours away from financial freedom had I kept my discipline to the last most crucial moment.
It's hard to believe at times the trajectory my life took from that moment on.
There's not much left that I care about these days. Not food, not sex, not even money really even though I have been asking for a large sum of it.
I guess I care about where I'm going after this life is over.
Am I in full alignment with the Creator? No, I don't think so. I want to be but I can't exercise the opportunity given this situation I am in. It's like having a wound that is constantly bleeding and never heals. I can't give much importance to anything else other than that and even that I'm caring about less and less.
One of the principle ideas behind the Gnostic belief system is embodied by the Cathars who were eradicated by Pope Innocent III. The idea is asceticism. Do not give in to gluttony, materialism, excess, greed, impulsiveness. I feel like all that has been rejected. I no longer care about finding cool stuff in thrift shops, don't care about the food I eat, don't feel impulsive like I used to.
Some might say its depression that is causing all of that. I see it more like a stripping away of all that isn't me. That should never have been a part of me to begin with.
On the other hand, the little things did make me happy. To impulsively decide to go out on a sunny day to an isolated lake. To browse through a thrift shop to find an odd and unusual item at a good price.
But ultimately I should have been happy with just myself and my thoughts.
And for the most part, I was.
I don't really know what to apologize for or why I am writing all of this. Just laying my thoughts down and seeing what comes of it. Feeling empty and without concern for the future because the future honestly looks bleak for most of Western civilization.
What I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time to the year 2016. Knowing what I know now.
I would've liked to start a movie theater in Vilcabamba. I'm good with picking the right kind of movies for people to expand their consciousness with. Dark City, Baraka, The Adjustment Bureau, Interstellar, Inception...
I'm good with picking out books too.
But... I guess none of that matters at this point. I can have those dreams but I see no way of moving towards them without some kind of miracle taking place.
The prayer of desperation is one that I want to avoid but I still sometimes do it.
In all Truth, it seems that each of us are Gods and we shouldn't externalize or give away our personal power to anyone else who we cannot verify a mutual and loving connection with.
It's soon reaching the point where there is nothing on the phone or on YouTube to preoccupy myself with. I have all of these hours of the day and no interest in doing anything with it.
I feel like today was a glimpse into it. That's why I'm writing. There's not much online for me to be interested in.
I would give anything to be in Vilcabamba right now.
Almost anything.
Except my soul.
My life is already not my own.
I'm tired.
So tired of all this.
Make it stop.
