God help me, I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
Living with my mother is... a shortcut to having a mental illness. Our personalities are so different. She is not... fully... aware or empathic although she thinks she is.
Each day she would force food onto me and honestly, its a terrible feeling having something plopped down in front of me without her asking if I wanted it and then made to feel guilty when I don't or if it's not appetizing.
I miss my old life. Being able to eat and cook whatever and whenever I wanted. My old breakfast of eggs, bacon and toast with either peanut butter or strawberry jam when I wanted it.
I don't feel like I belong in this place. I don't want to cook. I don't want to clean. I don't want to keep sitting on the couch staring at my phone and having a cigarette every 20 minutes while I look outside at a giant apartment complex with two rainbow flags hanging off of it.
And it's -30 today. My car won't start. Doesn't have a battery cord it seems.
No money for the end of this month to pay my bankruptcy fee with, my car insurance, my cell phone bill.
I'm pretty much done with all this.
I keep thinking in my mind about that one day when I should have set the alarm and woke up early to sell my stocks instead of waking up late and thinking the next day they would go back up. And the next day, and the next.
I keep thinking about it. Having 90,000$ in my account with all my debts paid and still living in my old place. With both my Polish and Canadian passports and suitcases packed and ready to go.
Lately I've been looking at Ecuador. Vilcabamba, particularly. If I rented my old place out, I could live there almost for free. It would've qualified me for a rentisa visa and I would be able to live there permanently after three years if I wanted to. Plenty of expats there. Canadian ones.
I'm sad about all this. The very bottom as far as I can go. No privacy, no choice in what I eat, no places to go, living in this horrible city that I hate being in. In this neighborhood. With no garage. Missing my natural gas fireplace. Missing the privacy. Missing being able to take a bath whenever I'd like. Missing so much of it all.
Missing how connected I felt with God back then. Those nightly prayers of mine that I took seriously. Acknowledging and giving gratitude for how well I was doing with my stock portfolio and coming so close to reaching my goal of 215k.
Having everything I needed to hunker down and weather the storm with. Prepped and ready with money enough that I wouldn't have to work for a few years if it came down to it. Although I wanted to.
I keep thinking about that alternate path. Waking up early, selling those stocks and then maybe later hosting Karlee at my place. Us going to the Yukon together. Having a better time than what we had while she was here.
Thinking about seeing Jeff Berwick in Mexico for Anarchopulco. Getting him to sign a copy of his book. Telling him I'm from Edmonton like he is and that I was born a day after he was.
Being able to travel to find a better life elsewhere than in Canada. Seeing Nicaragua, El Salvador, Ecuador and Mexico to find the right place for me to settle down in.
I'm tired of all this.
Playing games on my phone. Watching videos all day. Doing nothing of value other than consuming content.
I miss how I once was.
Loved my optimism. My mind. My ability to write. The way I think and feel.
Honoring the spirit within me. Appreciating the world around despite the chaos that it is now descending into.
I still keep my manifestation ritual going. Wanting that multi-million dollar lottery ticket. Knowing that this is the only solution I have left. The only miracle and wish that I have.
The only dream worth believing in.
There's not many dreams left.
Love did not work out for me. Never did find the right relationship. All I wanted since I was a teenager was someone who loved me for who I am and to be loved in turn.
Instead, I got with women I wasn't attracted to. Selfish women. Boring women. Women who loved creating drama. Women uninterested in building a loving relationship.
What a mistake it has all been.
Not one real blessing in my life other than the eleven years I spent living on my own, I suppose. That sense of freedom. Having responsibility for my life. Shoveling the driveway. Cutting the grass. Tending the garden. Pulling the weeds. Paying the bills.
I miss all that.
And now...
There's nothing that excites me.
Which leads me to questioning who and what God is. What is this place and why am I here.
Why has it all led to this?
At one point will I have enough and decide to pull the plug?
My soul is not growing one bit. It's... shrinking as I disassociate myself from this place. Not feeling present in the world. Not wanting to take in the reality that I am now inhabiting.
Just ignoring it all. Keeping it at a distance.
I haven't had a great life. I've had wonderful moments but they are few.
I wish I could travel back in time four or five years ago with the knowledge that I have now.
Because I would then be in a place like Vilcabamba, Ecuador living in an off-grid cabin surrounded by beauty and warm weather and a clear sky with clean water and fresh food.
I might be a little lonely but I bet I would have made friends.
And I would've done my best to contribute to the community somehow.
I am in hell. I don't want to admit it but time is relentless and marches on with every day being almost exactly the same as the last.
Why bother with any of this? Those deep questions have led me to wonder about the world. The amount of suffering. The mind control and manipulation done by our governments and institutions and media.
The obvious lies of this place. The lack of justice. The hedonism.
The ignorance of so many who lined up for the shot, supported Ukraine and then supported Israel.
The ignorance of those that think we can vote our way out of this. The ignorance of believing this world to not be the prison that it resembles itself to be.
If reincarnation is real, I don't want to come back to this. Karlee doesn't either. So many others like myself don't want to live in a world like this.
Yes, there is beauty in this place.
But there is so much ugliness as well.
Any serious student of history will see that we have gone through multiple "resets" of civilization in the past with the last one appearing to be in the early to mid-1800s.
The electric car is over 100 years old at this point.
Homes used to have fireplaces that heated with radium.
Cathedrals with giant domes and pipe organs were designed to generate a healing resonance. Water was fluoride-free. Food was unprocessed and without chemicals and additives.
Income tax did not exist.
Communities were strong. People were intelligent and educated and often sent each other letters written in beautiful cursive letters.
They walked around in suits with a top hat and cane. Women dressed modestly.
Not a cell phone or 5g tower in sight.
My heart knows something is wrong with this world. The evidence is clear to see. This place has always been a prison of some sort. An experiment. Who are the aliens, exactly? Are they the "Gods" so many of our religions and mythologies are based upon?
Are they the zookeepers?
Do we live in a closed, contained system where we cannot leave lower Earth orbit?
It appears that way to me.
And that calls into question so many things.
Where is the benevolent God that we thought was watching over his creation? The God that ordered a flood to wipe out evil but allowed for all of our corporations, institutions and governments to be infiltrated and corrupted by greedy psychopaths?
The God of the Old Testament sounds like an alien to me. The word "extra-terrestrial" means "other lands" and not "outer space".
I think there are other lands out there. A hollow Earth maybe. Or something on the maps that we aren't allowed to know about. A breakaway civilization monitoring us and vying for control of humanity.
There is so much evidence for this. Look at sand for instance. Where does it all come from? How is it naturally created? A silicon mineral.
I've not the interest in writing down all of the evidence I've come across to show that this world isn't what it seems. Humanity is apparently 200,000 years old but somehow we went from horse and buggy to hadron collider in less than 200 years.
200 years of 200,000 is 1%.
1% of our collective existence.
They've lied to us about everything. There is nothing new under the sun.
Yesterday I was reading Ecclesiastes, New Living Translation. I wasn't sure why I specifically went to this chapter but it was illuminating. It was the written wisdom of King David's son who spoke about how meaningless life is. How he had all his riches and could not find happiness. How he worked hard and realized his efforts to be futile. He then concludes the chapter by saying that the meaning of life was simply to live. To be happy. To indulge in those pleasures.
I wish I could do that.
The only happiness I want is my old life back. My spirit to be renewed. Living in the mountains with wildlife, fresh water and fruit and quiet, serene peace with warm weather.
And...
I have no money to do that with.
And I once was very close to being able to do this.
That hurts me the most. Knowing how close I was. How dumb I was for thanking God with such gratitude once I saw my portfolio reach 200k and deciding I would liquidate it all the next day.
But didn't.
And so now here I am. Living with my mother. No privacy. No peace. No inspiration.
No money. No future.
And no possibility of finding and keeping love because I have a hard time loving myself.
And no one to talk to about anything. My mother is on a different radio station than I am.
And there's no point to talking with my aunt and uncle. What could they possibly say or do to alleviate my suffering? And more so, why would I want them to? Why should they?
Everyone can say the words, "I'm sorry for what you are going through. It's hard." but it doesn't really mean much.
I don't want to share my sufferings with others, anyways.
Which is why I am writing them down here. In private.
I don't know how much longer I can do this for.
I want to make a difference in the world.
But.
It feels futile.
Pointless.
And...
I'm not in a position to do so.
God... you once gave me a sign when I asked you in my blog if someone was watching over me. You literally sent me to a park bench where the words "someone is watching you" was written and taped on.
I was shocked then.
And I need to be shocked now.
I need to know that you are still watching.
That you care. That you will have forgiven me for all that I've done. Whatever it is.
All I ask is that you read my heart. My intentions. Weigh my sufferings against my sins.
Realize that I have prayed to you most every night of my life.
I need one miracle.
Just one.
You already know what it is.
I promise I will not waste it.
I promise I will honor you for granting it.
And...
I don't have much time left.
Please hurry.
I know there is much suffering in this world and mine is but one of many others.
But please.
Show me that you are listening.
That you are watching.
And that you care about me.
I have nothing left.
I am naked.
And I feel ready to leave.
Please give me a reason not to.
And I will honor you to the end of my days.
Amen.
