Nothing

Another day of nothing.

And I mean nothing. Waking up to pounding footsteps coming from next door which is now a regular occurrence, going downstairs to make coffee, sit on the couch and stare at my phone for hours on end.

Keeping up to date on all the crap going on in the world, knowing that I made preparations and completely failed in executing the final part of my plan.

I would've been out of this country in 2024. I wouldn't have to sit in my car alone in the dark across from Tim Hortons where the parking lot is nearly filled with Muslim immigrants all of which are dressed in new clothes and have shiny new vehicles.

My favourite podcaster, Jeff Berwick was in a restrained mood today too. He didn't look and sound all that happy in the video he put out. Talking about how the Jews are taking over everything, World War III starting and other news items that are demoralizing and insane.

And all I can do is sit there and listen and do nothing.

There's nothing I can do. Can't leave the country now.

And all I do is think about the money I would've had if things went as planned. How I would've visited Jeff at Anarchopulco in 2022. How I might have connected with him or the right people to figure out where I would've gone next. I was looking at Niacragua at the time but now I'm thinking Ecuador would've been the best idea.

Regardless, I would've had money to check out both places and make a decision.

All I do is think about the past. How different my life would have been if I set the alarm that morning and sold those stocks like I planned to. Instead, I placed faith in "God" and figured everything would turn out better than I expected.

What a mistake. Now look at where I am. Living in Edmonton, with my mother, constant noise, constant interruptions, demoralizing environment, rainbow flags staring at me from the back porch hanging off the apartment balcony and the window across from me. No privacy, no money, no hope for the future.

I don't know why I am... still here. My dreams have been shattered and now there's no place to go.

No options to pursue.

I am not getting a job in this city. I am not going to be homeless and on the street.

I'd rather die. What other option is there?

The worst part is how my mother is oblivious to all of this. She doesn't know how bad things really are. Not just personally but on a global level. All the news I'm reading that she doesn't see on Facebook or on CTV - the government propaganda outlet. 

She has no idea about finances and how the banks are on the verge of collapse. She wouldn't know what a central bank digital currency is or how it is planned to replace cash and the worrisome implications of that.

She is aware of inflation and immigration but has no idea how bad both really are. Particularly in the United States.

She observes the unusual weather but thinks nothing of it, despite reports about how drastically our magnetic field has been weakening over the past decade and that we may be due for a solar flare or a pole shift. There's nothing in her mind about any of those things.

And it makes it so much harder on me. Knowing all of this and not being able to share it. Even if I could, nobody around me would listen anyways. They didn't listen to me about the vaccination and they won't listen to me about anything else. None of our family members are seeing how serious our situation really is and are making preparations.

All I know is my aunt and uncle in Kelowna is likely going to be okay given how much money they have but still, they should be thinking about getting to Mexico or Central/South America.

At some point we are going to collapse. Record immigration numbers points to several frightening scenarios that are likely to play out. 

What is going to happen when all of that subsidized immigrant on our tax dollars is going to get the plug pulled and told there is no money left for them? Are they going to simply wander back to their countries again? How many will be able to afford those new cars, homes and whatever else the American and Canadian and Australian and European governments are giving them? 

When the tap dries up, I think it will be chaos. This is where the digital currency is likely to come in. It already is digital with debit and credit cards but how else can a collapse be managed without the introduction of price controls and spending restrictions if cash is still around?

Even if this scenario doesn't play out, when is inflation going to stop? It can't. Not unless interest rates skyrocket into the double-digits according to what prior history of economic instability has taught us.

No one will be able to afford to keep their homes or to buy new ones. Not at 18% interest rates.

No credit. 

No new jobs when so many layoffs are happening. So many tech companies letting people go and this irrational push towards "green" energy which means solar panels and components from China but no more American and Canadian gas or oil on the market. That's why they switched to paper bags and paper straws.

It is so obvious what is happening that I just want to scream at how helpless I am feeling right now knowing about all this. How I would have had the means to leave this place a year ago had I played my cards right.

But nobody cares how close I was to making it out. 

And now, I am totally and absolutely screwed. 

Even getting a job and working my way out of this will take years. Years living with my mother in this God forsaken place she impulsively bought with such an expensive condo fee that she wouldn't have had to pay if she would have listened to me and moved to Fort Saskatchewan into a much nicer and quiet place.

Whatever. I can't even get mad anymore.

But time keeps going by. Day after day. I wake up every day to another day of absolutely nothing.

No dreams to pursue. No reason to exist.

I would've loved to pursue entrepreneurship in a place like Ecuador, search out ideas and figure out how to bring value to the community. A community of like-minded folks from what I could tell after spending enough time researching Vilcabamba.

And I am unconsciously learning Spanish as I go. This part of my soul that knew years ago I would be heading somewhere where Spanish was the main language.

Had the apps on my phone ready to go. Had my suitcases packed. 

And it all fell apart.

This situation has caused such a deep spiritual crisis within my soul. Where is the God I was praying to every night? Who is God? What about Yeshua? Does praying even work? How can I have faith towards that which ignored me? I was praying nightly prior to what happened to me, asking for my debts to be paid and to find a way out of this impending catastrophe that I could see coming years in advance.

And, silence.

Silence was my answer.

I remember those two years ago when it didn't feel like I was alone. That something was watching over me. Something that I don't know the name or motivation of.

Whatever it was, I was connected to it.

And now I am completely alone. Discarded.

It was so magical those two years ago. Everyday I had something to do. Some purpose to realize. There wasn't any dull moments where I couldn't sit still alone with my thoughts and have ideas running through me on things to do.

Now, I suffer the displacement of my own thoughts because all I can really do in this place is shut the world out by listening to podcasts and watching videos.

I can't even sit on the couch silently without noise coming from next door or my mother coming in to say something that is so... shallow and superficial that it hurts me to hear it. 

Today she came down to past me on the couch maybe 5 times in less than an hour. 

Not her fault, its her place but I have no privacy. None.

Never should I have thought that this was a good idea to move in with her. I wish I could have imagined all this ahead of time and did my best to avoid it.

I can hardly look her in the eye now. 

Again, not her fault. It's all mine. 

Now I'm stuck with the consequences of my decisions.

Nobody to blame but myself... and that which I thought was giving me guidance and wisdom throughout the period where I was doing extremely well trading stocks and building up my finances enough to put together an exit plan.

Yesterday and today there were two videos posted about Enki, the Sumerian "God" that some have said is the snake in the Garden of Eden, the "good" God that warned Noah of the flood that his brother Enli (Lucifer) caused to happen.

And I've been wondering, even if its true that we are created by the Annunaki, does prayer and communion with Enki accomplish anything? What is above Enki?

Ahura Mazda?

Can prayer to anything work at this point?

I know I would have done so much good had I been successful with my plan. I would've retained my mental health. Would've been able to come up with ideas and strategies inside of a new environment to make it better. I've always been good at improving the space around me.

But here, I have no interest in improving anything. This home I'm in feels like a jail. I don't care to decorate this prison because that is exactly what it is.

Another day of nothing.

At some point I'm going to give up I think. Knowing what I know, it doesn't mean I've lost faith, it means I can't possibly move forward in my life living here and in the situation I am in.

No money. No job. Living in what feels like a foreign country which happens to be my birthplace.

I want no further part of any of this garbage happening.

I want to fight but I don't know how I can do it right now.

I planned to fight. Had everything I needed.

Now I have nothing. Nothing but whatever is left of my mind. Typing this words.

I can't help anyone like this.

I need help for myself.

I'm so tired.

Please make it stop.

Make it stop.