I really can't do this much longer.
Stuck in this place with my mother, unable to go out because its -20c and my car which doesn't have a plug-in cord has died.
Scratching my face and scalp endlessly because there's some kind of fungal infection here making it hard to sleep.
New neighbors are noisy, can hear the bassy sound of their footsteps as they walk around constantly.
Every day is exactly the same. Waking up now at close to 4pm because I'd rather lay in bed with my thoughts than get up to sit on the couch downstairs where my mother monitors my every move as she walks up and down and peeks at me constantly.
It's not her fault, I get it but I can't do this.
I love my alone time. My quiet. In my old place, sitting in a bathtub with the music playing, the lights turned down, bath salts and a good book was heavenly. Sometimes I even had incense burning.
And on occasion, I'd have a puff or two of cannabis to really help me to relax and connect more fully with myself.
I'm an introvert. I can't be around high-energy, unpredictable people. Especially ones that don't have much depth to themselves. Who care about superficial things like the weather, game shows and food.
My studying is still going, I guess. All this content I'm consuming is teaching me a few things here and there as to why and how and where we might be.
And what is the purpose of it all.
I've not found a definitive answer yet. Today I re-read some more of the Gnostic texts, the Apocryphon of John, the Secret Book of James and thought about Yeshua some bit.
What I've noticed is that there are so many conditions of getting to "heaven" that there doesn't seem to be a simplified, straight-forward explanation of how to get there and not reincarnate here again. There are so many variables to it just in Christianity alone.
Last night I watched a two-hour analysis of the Adam and Eve story and the presenter came to the same conclusions that I did a long time ago. And added more interesting detail to it,
For instance, the snake in the garden is Yeshua. That is our liberator. He was there and was then labelled a "snake" for assisting Adam and Eve into achieving self-awareness and a higher state of consciousness.
Yahweh, however, was a physical being and one of several where the Bible in Genesis describes as being from the "divine council".
A lot of Christians will roll their eyes at this but they have not really examined the words of the faith they supposed profess themselves to have.
Why was man created in OUR image? Why is the plural used? "Let US create man in OUR image" and then what predated this story? The book of Genesis isn't the oldest story there is.
The presenter I watched tied Yahweh/Yeshua to Enli/Enki from Sumerian lore. Where Yahweh is a jealous God who will flood the Earth and murder millions without care, Yeshua is the opposite. He was like Prometheus wanting to give fire to humanity.
I'm not going to recycle all the facts from the video I watched but it was a conclusive, non-conspiratorial dissection of the stories we base our beliefs and religions on.
The reason I'm searching so hard for meaning right now is because... I guess I want to know before I die. I want to know who is ruling over us. What is God? Ahura Mazda? Who is "The Father" that Yeshua spoke of?
When you think about it, if Enli (Yahweh) and Enki (Yeshua) are both in opposition to each other, then they for whatever reason allowed the other to exist. The "divine council" can't be made up of just two beings so we have to assume at least three other "Gods" existed along with them.
Perhaps it would be better to describe these "Gods" as Archons which means "ruler" in Latin.
Same idea with the word "Lord".
Who is the Lord? The one that flooded the Earth? Or the one that rules this world?
Yeshua spoke about who the true ruler of the world is. Satan, although the presenter I watched made a conclusive case that him and Yahweh are one and the same.
We've been lied to in our Bibles. It's always been an inversion. No wonder I was deeply suspicious of the Old Testament. The New Testament isn't as full of holes but it does have some contradictions in it as well.
I think my mind most wanders over to why Yeshua was allowed to be crucified. I don't know if he did it willingly. But if he saw it coming, then it must have been willingly. Prior to his trial, Yeshua reminded the Apostles that they would have a place in his Kingdom and that The Father had promised one to him.
What I wonder is where is this kingdom? Satan/Yahweh is the ruler of this world so therefore the kingdom Yeshua spoke of had to be someplace else.
Someplace better. Perhaps the Pleroma that Gnostic writings describe.
I sometimes get exhausted thinking about all this trying to connect the dots. So many sources and possibilities to draw from. Nothing fully clicks unless Sumerian lore is included. Which then paints a picture much like the movie Jupiter Ascending where "royalty" that lives for thousands of years keeps the inhabitants of Earth in ignorance so that they can reap the benefits of our energy.
If this is the reality we live in, then fuck this place.
Did Yahweh really create Adam and Eve and suppressed their consciousness? Why was he alarmed when he said "now they are like us, knowing good and evil"?
Because he did not want our minds to expand, thats why.
No wonder so much poison is in our environment. In our food, water and skies. EMF waves everywhere, nanoparticles of plastic all over the place. Fluoride. Low-quality entertainment and education and media.
No wonder art isn't held to a high regard anymore. Rock music is dead. Classical music isn't appreciated enough. There is no counter-culture music like metal or punk that kids today care about listening to and want to model themselves towards.
I know this is a spiritual war we're in and I have no options to escape where I am.
Every day I keep thinking back to that stock portfolio of mine. Had I cashed it out and paid my debts I would have had close to 100k to work with.
I realize now I would've rented out my house and moved to someplace like Ecuador where I could live cheaply in warm weather and away from all this nonsense and drama and inflation and pollution and people who are covered in tattoos and care about superficial nonsense like sports. Double/triple vaccinated.
God do I want to leave this place. All I have left in my mind is a fantasy that is pointless to entertain because I have no way of realizing it at the moment.
My mother wouldn't understand any of this. It's so lonely being here with her.
She's happy with her game shows and whatever it is she watches on the television. I can't stand the advertisements I'm seeing now. The fake joyfulness in them with mixed-race couples. The calculated hypnotic way of getting you to buy something or to pay attention to a particular brand. They call it television "programming" for a reason.
This world really is hell. I think we are at the lowest plane of existence.
No wonder from an early age I felt such a pull towards the 1950s. I loved that era. So innocent, so wholesome. Music was good, food looked amazing, homes could be paid off in 5 years on a single salary. Society was homogenous. Christian values were important to uphold.
Then the 60s arrived and started changing it all. Feminism came in and inflation began to creep up by the time Nixon got into office, taking the Americans off the gold standard which Canada also did. Women began entering the workplace thanks to people like Dolly Parton "9 to 5" pushing for careers and independence. Caring less and less about traditional gender roles as they competed with men for work.
I don't mean for this to be a ramble but I say all that to illustrate how far we've fallen.
The best times in history was probably between 1950 and 1995.
45 years is all the prosperity that humanity gets.
Prior to the 50s was the world wars which we were duped into fighting.
Prior to that was a lot of farming and poverty. Serfdom, basically.
The renaissance was nice, I suppose. But who knows.
Maybe the Victorian era was nice also. If you were wealthy on an estate run by slaves, I suppose.
And I keep finding evidence that we've been deceived about our history. Anything before 1800 is suspect.
I really think we are being controlled and guided by nefarious intelligences. I don't see a benevolent "God" stepping in to intervene anywhere. We haven't seen the Red Sea get parted. No burning bushes that talked.
And God didn't intervene when his son was on the cross.
I really hope his last words wasn't "Father, why have you forsaken me" because... A man of his faith deserved divine intervention at that critical moment.
Unless, he really died for our sins. What does that mean exactly? Does it mean that our sins are forgiven if we accept his sacrifice? From a Gnostic perspective, it would mean we wouldn't be getting a "life review" upon our death or having to fulfil any karma. It would be like humanity has a credit card debt and Yeshua came to pay that debt with his life.
So much has been missing from the Bible. Who knows what is at the Vatican library that they're keeping from us.
One thing for sure, they mock the snake. We see it in the Vatican hall.
And they mock Yeshua.
So there's something there.
Yeshua is real.
Yeshua must be Enki.
And it is possible that he already has returned, if we look at old world architecture like this:
Not easy to build, right?
Horses and buggies as you can see.
And the statues...
Carved from marble. No big deal right? Easy to do with a hammer and chisel.
We've been lied to big time.
Perhaps the Millennial Reign already took place. Yeshua had ruled for 1,000 years and Revelation was fulfilled at around 70AD.
He did say he would be back "within the generation" of when his Apostles were still alive.
He probably did.
It would explain all the beauty that was left behind so long ago in our past. Works of wonder and incredible craftmanship. All with a religious/Catholic focus.
Can't find a Muslim statue that looks anywhere near that nice.
Yeah. We've been lied to.
And so many of us are tired of it. They lie about JFK, about aliens, about Vietnam and Hitler and so many more things that few people know or care about.
Lied about everything.
So what is this place? Why are we here?
Why the need for secrecy?
And if things continue as they are and more people are waking up to the lies, I fear one of two things will happen.
A horrible outcome for humanity and a good one.
But both are manufactured anyways.
We still will be ruled by those in power. Whether they are central bankers, the BIS, the Royal bloodline families or whatever.
Still going to be ruled.
And even if the "truth" looks to be presented to us, in this age of artificial intelligence, nothing can be trusted.
Fake images, fake words, fake videos.
Anything can be faked.
Anything can be censored.
I really don't want to be here anymore.
I pray for some kind of miracles but pray to who? Is it praying or begging?
Or should I be praying to myself? To awaken the power within me? To be as a "God" in the way that Yeshua described ourselves as.
Genesis has a very telling excerpt in it.
The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken.
After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.
It was always about the tree of life.
Always.
I want to be in Vilcabamba, Ecuador.
May the Gods grant my request.
