It's tiring. I can't think of what to do be doing with my life.
Well, that isn't true. If money was unlimited or if I had at least 300k, I'd know what to do.
Get out of this place. No more freezing winters. No more paying for heat or air conditioning. Eating food from the land. Making new friends and acquaintances. Learning Spanish and adjusting to a new culture.
Swinging on my hammock. Reading books. Writing. Listening to podcasts and keeping my body in good shape and health.
Watch the stars at night. Pray in the mornings as the sun rises.
Get in touch with my spirit and soul and cultivate the light within.
All wonderful ideas. A wonderful sounding life. Maybe I would meet a woman that complements me, maybe I'll be lonely after awhile and feel isolated.
But I know this much, the pros outweigh the cons to be moving to a new country where English isn't the main language. I'm thinking Ecuador. Perfect temperatures year-round. The rain season might be annoying for awhile but I'm sure I would like it. Free showers outside without having to pay for water.
It's another day of nothing. Get up from my bed after spending an hour or so awake trying to remember my dreams and communicate with the other side in a hypnogogic state. Hoping and praying and wishing and asking.
Maybe it's not the right approach but honestly, I don't know what would be.
How does one get to having a large sum of money come all at once? Because that is the miracle I have been asking for and need.
Earlier I watched Billy Carson on a podcast with Ralph Smart. I don't agree with some of his views but a number of the things he said makes a lot of sense. Don't hope for a savior. Be your own savior. Be your own God.
It is somewhat blasphemous to promote that view because from my observations, the mainstream media and news and entertainment want exactly for that to happen. The destruction of a Christian worldview and God out of our lives.
I know that I am skeptical with the Yahweh described in the Old Testament and rightfully so. That's not the kind of God I would expect or want to have ruling over this world. A God that demands animal sacrifices, circumcisions and orders people to murder in his name while drowning the entire planet with a great flood save for Noah and his family.
I've long believed there was more to God than what we are told.
And we are not told the truth of what that is, either. All those religions of ours. All those variations and interpretations and theories. I read briefly from a book by Mark Booth called The Secret History of the World and his interpretation of the Garden of Eden is all allegorical. The 12 Apostles were the signs of the Zodiac. The 7 trumpets and seals of Revelation are all about opening the 7 chakras and so on and so forth. A completely abstract explanation of what many of us have been taken as literal.
Its impressive that the Bible can lend itself to so many interpretations. So much coded meaning and symbolism that it can mean several different things.
The short of it is that we don't really know whether the Bible is allegorical or literal or a combination of both. The Old Testament reads in a particular way while the New Testament is almost an entirely different book with very loose connections to the OT. For whatever reason both are presented side-by-side.
I suppose we can thank Constantine and the Council of Nicea for that.
Or whoever it was that decided to put the OT/NT together in one book.
Anyways...
I heard from Tyler earlier today and we had a brief exchange through text. He's starting a fast for the first time and shared some of what he's been going through lately. He's the one who recommended the Booth book that I referenced earlier.
Again... I'm pretty tired of all this. Sitting on the couch day in and day out and listening to all these podcasts and videos saying PREPARE PREPARE PREP PREP PREP while discussing how the financial system is going to collapse, cyberattacks are imminent and that Trump is the savior while others say that we don't need a savior and that we need to go off-grid and buy gold and silver and some Bitcoin and move out of the country, etc etc etc.
And the sad part is that I agree and knew all those things in 2020. Four years ago. Prepared by making as much money on the market as I could. Bought all the things I thought I would need. The news was constant back then more than it is now. Covid, George Floyd, oil prices going into the negatives, riots, the flooding in of immigrants, all those horrible Tik Tok dancing nurse videos. It has been almost non-stop bad and demoralizing news since 2020 began.
Despite my foresight, I'm in the worst possible position now. No options.
There's nothing for me to look forward to. Nothing to be happy about.
All I have is a dream of leaving this place. Either by death or by some miracle that gets me out of the country.
I remember when I cried as the world locked down, thinking about all those people in places like New York City where they couldn't leave their apartments. I couldn't imagine how difficult that would be to be stuck in a concrete jungle not allowed to leave.
I would feel so much better if I was out in some rural area on a homestead in a tiny town of 4,000 people away from western civilization. Picking up bananas and pineapples for my breakfast. Picking and then roasting my own coffee beans.
That is the dream.
But here I am sitting on my mother's couch.
Waiting.
For what? Where will I be in three months? In two? In one?
Like it is now?
What's the point of living like this? Even if I got a job that I enjoy doing I'm still going to have to live here. Hearing the noisy footsteps of my neighbors. Having to eat whatever my mother makes. Not having privacy. No way of bringing a woman here. Unlikely to save up enough money to get out of this country. That could take years.
In the meantime, more bad news. More inflation. More immigrants. More political garbage on the television and more crime.
More homeless on the streets.
I don't want to be here anymore. Two years ago as I realized I was going to be bankrupt, I went out to buy rope and learned how to tie a noose. I cried when I placed it around my neck and tightened to see how it would feel.
And I spent a few days driving around look for the right type of tree to hang myself from where it wouldn't be in plain sight.
So what am I continuing to hold on for?
I know my mother would be deeply saddened if I was gone. I don't think she would take it well.
Maybe that's part of the reason.
And Princess. My mother doesn't give Princess the amount of attention she deserves.
But other than that, maybe I'm waiting on that miracle to happen.
There is a tree close by here where I could hang myself but it would be very visible. Although the branches on it are at the perfect height.
I know how terrible this all sounds but I don't fear death anymore. A lot of people don't want to be here anymore. I've spoken with a few and have seen comments left by many about the prison planet we are in.
What hurts the most is being awake and aware of what is going on while most everyone else is asleep or do not care about the situation they helped caused. When they all stood "six feet apart" and followed the direction arrows on the floor of the grocery store not questioning why so many people were allowed into one building or why there wasn't any concern about "covid" being on any of the products they were touching. I guess those people believed plastic shields work, too.
And it hurts caring about people who la-la-la their life away. Oblivious and obedient to authority and what they see on the television programming. I've always cared about people. I love to hear their stories and improve their lives in some small meaningful way.
But after 2020 I don't care as much. Bad relationships in my life have contributed to this apathy also. I kept giving myself to the wrong type of woman. Didn't think enough of myself. Didn't realize that my personal autonomy and well-being took precedence over that of my partner.
Funny how the "best" relationships I was in were the ones where I didn't care about the other person as much. That's because I wasn't constantly giving them my attention. I put attention on myself. Where it should have always belonged.
But society has really messed up the role of women. They think they have to be our equal or even our superior when the reality is that we are complementary. Yes, you HAVE to be subservient and considerate of your partner while men ought to focus on themselves and God and making sure they can become good providers and husbands and succeed in their careers. Women don't like the idea of playing second fiddle and not being "as capable" but that is the truth of how it should be. They aren't meant to be firefighters and tradeswomen and powerhouse lawyers.
They are meant to be nurturing, caring, intuitive and loving. They are supposed to be soft and yielding.
Not hard and competitive.
Sure, this doesn't apply to all women. Some of them are competitive no matter what. Just like some men are the opposite and they are the nurturers and soft and yielding, themselves.
But the rule of thumb is polarity. Positive and negative. Masculine and feminine. We are to express each side to the other. Moon and sun.
You can't have two suns in the same sky.
Well, you can, but that probably isn't the best arrangement to have inside of a relationship.
So yeah. I didn't know any of that throughout my life. Should've focused on myself.
No wonder I resented being with my ex. She started off all feminine baking me stuff, acting like a girl and then flipped the script. Started competing. Clawed away at my masculinity and began reversing the polarities.
What a joke that all was.
I didn't think such evil existed. By evil I mean ignorance because that is generally what evil/sin comes down to. Being ignorant of truth.
Unwilling to introspect and to learn from our own mistakes.
To better ourselves and to better others.
We lived under such an illusion for most of our lives. Myself included. Now that everything has come more sharply into focus, I realize that I learned the most important lessons at a time in my life when I cannot apply what I've learned. No girlfriend, no job, no money, no nothing.
Should've not gotten involved in a relationship at all in 2017. All that focus on myself would've brought forth good results.
Anyways.
What do I title this post? ... All I do is ramble. There's no real point to any of this.
Guess I'll call it that.
Still waiting.
For that miracle.
