It was hard to get up today. Get up for what? More sitting on the couch and scrolling through my phone looking at all the horrible news in the world?
There was a post on Twitter I saw where a fellow described moving to the jungles of Brazil and would sustain himself with food grown on the property. He is single and talks about what his day to day life is.
It sound heavenly. Warm temperatures, able to see the Milky Way galaxy at night, fresh air, fresh food, fluoride-free water.
He had to deal with venomous snakes and spiders but other than that, his life is exactly what I want.
And my mind again goes back to selling those stocks when I should have. I could have afforded to do this. I could've rented out my house and live in South America easily without worrying much about money. At least 10 years I could have survived on the money I would have had.
So this consumes my daily thoughts. The should've/could've/would've and being reminded daily of how much I've failed and how I am suffering for lack of privacy, quiet and independence.
I know if I would've moved to Ecuador, I would have been able to fill up my days and grow my soul. I would wake up early as the sun rise, have a coffee outside, think about life and do whatever needs to be done.
I'd have written a book. I even choose the title, "Gringo in the Jungle" and discuss my daily experiences, my thoughts and my dreams.
I may be alone but with the expat population in Ecuador, who knows who I'd have met. Maybe a lady to share my life with and cut down expenses even further.
Or maybe I would've just been a hermit. Content with living in the mountains, connecting with the deepest parts of myself. Feeling close to God and nature. Happy to be away from the cold and the snow.
Happy to be responsible only for myself. Learn Spanish. Meet new people.
What a dream that is. I know I can't act on it. No money, no passport.
I know my mother and other relatives would be opposing my doing something like this but I know that if I did, after awhile they would understand and maybe be envious of this kind of life.
Instead, I am without much hope. I can hardly pray these days because it hasn't worked for me in the past. When I prayed "lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil" I would be sent women with evil intentions of using me.
My biggest mistake was thinking that love would transform Fola. A bigger mistake was thinking I had a future with her. All those other women in my life I did not want to break up with even if I didn't like them that much. I just didn't want to hurt their feelings. I realize now that I should have been honest with myself and prioritized my own needs over that of others.
I also realized that I was insecure and projected that insecurity onto others, thinking they would be as wounded as I was if I broke up with them. When you are born with a hearing disability and two parents that aren't interested in helping you to grow and become capable of dealing with the world, it brings a lot of self-doubt into the equation.
Having a big nose made me self-conscious as well. I thought for the longest time that I wasn't very attractive. I also realized that love was something I craved because I didn't really experience very much of it in my life. It didn't come from my father and my mother's idea of love felt more like being treated like a pet than a human being. I was a perpetual five-year old with her that had to be told to "finish the food on your plate" and guilt-tripped and made to doubt my own actions because she wouldn't support things like investing in the stock market or buying my own home.
Neither of my parents once suggested I get my own place. Even in my mid-20s they did not bring the subject up at all. There was no pushing for my independence. There wasn't any questioning of my dreams and what I wanted to do with my life. There wasn't any support for some of the big decisions I wanted to make.
Because of my upbringing and being an introvert, I also had a harder time relating to people. Very few think like I do. I'm analytical, perceptive and care about the deeper things in life. I don't watch sports, I didn't care about having a fancy car, I didn't care about money all that much.
All I wanted from my teenage years was a woman to share my life with. To love and be loved by.
Everything else didn't matter.
And when I started dating online, it came with poor results.
My first ever online date put me in the hospital because of rough oral sex. This was after four years of being single because I felt bad about how I treated my second girlfriend Liz. A sweet girl but I wasn't that attracted to her. I just wanted companionship and throughout the relationship I was insensitive in my honesty towards her. I would tell her that I didn't think we were meant to be together long-term and that I just wanted to have fun. She eventually left and got married to a guy in the States. When I talked to her a few years later, she didn't seem very happy about her decision.
And my second online date wasn't better either. A morbidly obese woman who wanted to use me for sex.
Again, after that I spent a few years more of being single until 2010 when I met Lauren. I was so attracted to her and her mind but she was the opposite. Much like a role-reversal of how I was with Liz.
That one didn't end well for me. Again, a couple more years of being single after that although I did go on dates here and there.
None of these girls after Lauren were worth settling down with.
And the years passed. My 20s were gone and by my mid-30s I still haven't found "the one".
The only reason I stuck it out with Fola was because the connection between us was magical. I don't know why but I had a hard time making eye contact with people, especially women during sex. With her, I didn't have that issue. I could gaze deeply into her eyes and so would she. Conversation was effortless. Silence was comfortable.
It really felt like she was the one. But she was married with a child. Her husband actually gave his approval for me to sleep with her.
What a cosmic joke that was. I wish I would've walked away from her for good in that first breakup I instigated weeks after meeting her. My mind was telling me to end it because there were too many issues involved. Being with her means being with her child. It would also mean that I wouldn't be able to move anywhere and would be stuck in or around Edmonton for as long as I was with her. Her job was here, her child had to be close to the father, etc.
So, I never did get to find the "one" for me.
Relationships have always been the most important thing for me. That insecurity of mine meant I needed love and attention and someone to direct that love and attention towards who would appreciate and reciprocate.
It's too bad all the wrong ones came into my life.
Maybe I was failing tests. Regardless, I understand now that none of it matters. I was to love myself above all others. To keep my spirit and soul intact and to cut out from my life that which compromises my peace and spirituality. To remove that which constrains and binds me from what I am meant to be doing.
I am meant to grow my soul. With or without another human being in my life.
I am meant to look up at the stars alone at night and feel the wonder seep into my heart. To inspire me to write and proclaim the depths of my feelings onto paper. To share my soul with others so that they too can feel what I feel. The loneliness and the beauty of all that I experience.
I really miss my old life. I say this over and over in my blog but it doesn't ever change. Something as silly as being able to walk around in the nude in my own home felt so liberating and freeing.
Being able to eat what I want. Taking care of myself. Writing. Immersing myself in the energies of the world and transmuting them into words.
I love all that.
I also know that as much as I dislike my current situation and how hopeless it seems, I still love myself because I remember how I once was. I wasn't perfect but I know how deeply I could feel things. How connected I could be. Just sitting in my car alone in a quiet area and watching the full moon with a cup of coffee or tea soothed my spirit.
And now, my only recourse is one of two things.
Either I hold on for a miracle to somehow happen. A financial windfall.
Or I prepare for my death, because I do not see how I can get myself out from this hole I am in.
People don't realize how psychologically and spiritually harmful a bankruptcy is. Especially when you go from having everything to having nothing in such a short period of time. To go from paradise to hell in months.
My plan was working out for me in 2020. I could see my portfolio grow into the six-digit figures and I felt hopeful that I would weather the storm that was approaching. I had suitcases ready to go, thinking that I would leave the country at some point but didn't think about where.
Now I know where.
Except there's no money to be able to do this with.
Last night I wrote about Enki/Enli and thought about what praying actually involves. We direct communication to an entity or deity of sorts but perhaps we are meant to communicate with ourselves. To inquire within. To direct our destiny. To steer our fates rather than to place that responsibility onto a higher power that is external to us.
That doesn't mean a higher power does not exist. It does. We just have been lied to and confused about what it is.
There is a reason why Yeshua said that we are all sons and daughters of God.
John 10:34 says,
"Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?"
What does that mean exactly that we are Gods? Yesterday I made the point that Yahweh acknowledged us to be Gods also once Adam and Eve ate the fruit.
A God is a being with a certain level of awareness.
It recognizes itself as its own authority. It recognizes it's own power. Believing one-self to be a God means to realize a deeper truth that many do not contemplate or exhibit in their lives.
It means we are all connected and all share a connection to life. The totality of humanity's consciousness is "the source" and each of us are like antennas able to tune-in to this network where we can draw to us people, events and premonitions.
Whatever it is that we need in order to bring to life the vision we have for ourselves.
It is very hard to get into "God" consciousness in a society like this where people have to get up to a blaring alarm clock, prepare themselves for work and spend 8 hours or more each day at a job they don't really enjoy. Some do, but many don't.
And when they return home, they tend to their responsibilities. Cleaning, cooking, paying bills, keeping up with relationships.
There is not a lot of time left in the day to fully be present and aware of who they themselves are.
Gods. Literal Gods.
People deserve a better life than what they have. A good standard of living. The realization that we are not the things we own and that the purpose of life goes beyond materialism and satisfying one's baser urges.
Sex isn't everything. Money isn't everything. Cars, TVs, sports, politics, clothes.
None of that really truly matters.
For they are false idols as the Bible warns us against.
I know that now when before I didn't. I loved old things. Went to thrift shops all the time looking for treasures. Acquiring a bunch of stuff, even though it was all very cheap, was not the path to happiness for me. Although it made me quite happy at the time.
I know that now because I have almost nothing left. My most valuable possessions can be counted on one hand now. The teddy bear I've had since I was six years old. A hard drive filled with all of my favorite movies, music and books. My mother's cat Princess, even though she isn't a "possession" that is rightfully mine.
I understand it now.
The relationship we have with ourselves and others is the most important thing.
I've always known that relationships are important but didn't think much about the one I had with myself.
The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.
It is to be protected at all costs. Anything that compromises serenity within us should be removed or mitigated away from our lives.
Too bad I can't do that right now. Wish I could mitigate or remove the elements that compromise my peace of mind.
Can't afford to move anywhere.
I'm fully dependent on my mother now.
And that really wounds the soul. Going from riches to rags isn't anything to take lightly.
And it will take a miracle to restore myself to how I once was.
I wish I could say that I'd welcome this adversity with enthusiastic determination to set things right but I can't see how I could even begin to try.
There's no point continuing living in a slave society where most people are unaware of their chains.
If we all were on a sinking ship, most people would be happy to stand on deck and not lift a finger to bail out the water. Even if people like myself were desperately trying to do so.
If humanity is a sinking ship, even the most righteous and aware of us is forced to endure the repercussions unless they are able to establish financial independence and a divorce from the system that controls us.
Which is why I would love to live in Ecuador in the mountains with fruit trees around. Living off the land as much as I can and reveling in the simplicity of such an existence.
"Gringo in the Jungle" ... I would definitely write such a book.
And when I fantasize about this scenario, I think about all the wonderful possibilities of adjusting to life in such a small town like Vilcabamba, Ecuador. The population is around 5,000 people. Five times less than where I once was in Fort Saskatchewan.
The sense of community would be strong and tight-knit in such conditions. I would've met many wonderful people of like-mind.
No wonder I felt a compulsion to learn some Spanish in 2017. I figured it would come in handy at some point.
Shame that I'm not able to utilize any of it now.
Stuck here with my mother. -20C outside. Car won't start and even if it did, there's no place to go.
No place to go in such a God-forsaken city like Edmonton.
No reason to live under such conditions. To continue being a slave.
Living among the blind and ignorant.
I don't mean to sound judgmental because I know there are good people out there in this city but I have not met very many.
Well.
I write these words unsure of where to take my life. It is not moving forward. Without income or options or relationships, it certainly is taking steps backwards.
Even if I got a job, I still wouldn't be able to save up enough money to qualify for a visa in Ecuador.
Even if I got a visa, I still wouldn't have income coming in to be able to sustain myself with.
Shame.
I was so close. Would've been debt-free, able to rent out my old place and have about 90k in funds.
I could've done it.
Could've, should've, would've.
Story of my life.
