There is so much wisdom contained in the old Gnostic texts that I wish I had learned about before all of the mistakes I've made in my life.
I'm listening to a video discussing a little known book found in Nag Hammadi called "Thomas the Contender" in which a dialogue takes place on the nature of Truth, lust and the restraining of impulse.
It saddens me that such information comes after the fact. That I did not establish a strong enough moral compass prior to my last relationship where I felt my spirit being taken from me by someone who held no regard for Truth and abiding by moral standards.
I tried leaving her multiple times. I sometimes wonder what my life would've been had I walked away for good the first time I left and not looked back but she begged to come see me and persuade me to try again.
In my heart, I was conflicted. I was rejected multiple times in past relationships and understood well the hurt that comes from that. I didn't want to inflict that feeling upon my ex. I didn't want her to curl up next to a laundry machine in a dark basement, taking three days off of work because of how despondent she would have felt.
What I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't my duty to please the whims of another when my head screamed against me to not go further with that relationship. She was married, had a child, persuaded her husband into having an open relationship, wasn't interested in commitment, kept breaking promises, strung me along with thoughts of moving in together, presented herself in a deceptive way and eventually took me for granted until I once again threatened to leave. After which she would re-appear again and beg to be taken back.
I learned my lessons now but I wish I had learned them then.
My life would be radically different now. More focus on myself. Less conflict and drama and I would've retained my spirit. My happiness and faith.
Instead, I was persuaded by lust and a soul connection unlike any I have ever experienced before in my life. I did not know why our chemistry was the way it was. How easy it was. How comfortable.
That was what prompted me to overlook most of the red flags because I believed in the potential of us.
Predictably, it was doomed from the start.
The Contender of Thomas is a fascinating read. It is a dialogue between the resurrected Jesus and his twin brother Judas Thomas.
It bothers me that I grew up without a mentor in my life. My father didn't search to teach me anything of value despite the many skills he accumulated. My mother was similar. Neither parent seemed interested in passing down their knowledge to me. Neither had any real spiritual knowledge as my father was an atheist and my mother had never read the Bible or any other religious text.
Even without religion, neither parent had seemed to acquire any deep spiritual truths worthy of being passed down. If they did, they kept it to themselves or were uninterested and unaware of such things.
Both parents were largely distrustful of people. My mother cared more about money while my dad seemed to be more about holding onto his self-respect. Both are curious creatures and I still cannot understand how they came together to marry due to how different each of their personalities were.
I didn't grow up in a household where love was prioritized and demonstrated. It created a thirst within me and helps to explain why it was something I chased after for most of the years of my life. Wanting that perfect relationship with someone who not only accepted me fully but encouraged me to develop and expand my potential. To reach greater heights.
It's a shame how many other children growing up do not have adequate mentors of their own. It's taken me this long to realize how important such figures are in each of our lives. My "mentors" were Trent Reznor and Kurt Cobain growing up. Neither of those men offered much to better my life with either.
No wonder that for a number of years I had thought it was important to have a real "career counsellor" for young adults growing up. Not someone who hands you a quiz of questions and suggests one gets into welding or fashion design, but an experienced adult with compassion and empathy enough to really get to understanding the personality of a child and to identify their strengths and weaknesses enough to guide them in the right direction.
So many of the problems in our world comes from this lack of mentorship. Children raised in single-parent households or kids whose parents are disinterested and stressed.
But I understand all that now. How important it is to take a strong interest in our children's development. Not just on the educational level but on the level of the spirit and the soul and the spark they contain within themselves.
This world is designed to snuff out that spark of the divine. Children are corrupted early so that they do not nurture their imagination and faith and curiosity. They are not given advice that is without bias or rooted in ignorance. They are not encouraged to ask the hard questions of life and given honest answers as a result.
It is easy for me to point my finger and place blame on that which I feel has held me back and stunted my growth. I know that ultimately it came down to my own decisions rather than the influences and desires of others.
But, I do place blame where it is warranted.
A child who is kept in ignorance may take decades to pull themselves out and to fully educate themselves through trial and error. Many grown adults today are still making mistakes that should have been known about and understood in their early 20s.
So much harm and trauma could have been prevented if a compassionate and intelligent mentor was provided to a child growing up. Whether it is a parent, a teacher or someone who's interests align with their own.
No one encouraged me to write, growing up. No one encouraged my creativity or taught me how valuable it was. No one sat me down to teach me about the role of men and women and to express how important it is that we hold our self-respect above all temptations that come our way.
It is in the religious books. Fragments here and there of such lessons but it is not until we apply those lessons and principles or to see them being embodied by someone that we can begin to understand their importance.
The problem also is a lack of distilled wisdom. There are many figures out there who have differing opinions on what life is about and how a man or a woman should conduct themselves. Few of these public figures present a simplistic set of rules and laws to live by with the exception of some like Jordan Peterson who wrote 12 Rules for Life that I thought was excellently done.
I'm... in my 40s and it only feels like now I'm learning about things that I should have known decades ago.
The most important lesson of all is to develop and operate from an unambiguous moral foundation and code. To ask: "does this benefit or hinder me?" and to be able to make hard decisions such as walking away from those that undermine your faith and self-respect. To have the understanding that our own spirit and well-being comes first before any other.
With the exception of our own children, I suppose. Every parent inherits the responsibility of ensuring their well-being above their own in many cases.
I'm glad I don't have any children to worry about and be responsible for.
Perhaps if I was in a stable and loving relationship and financially secure, I would want kids but not in this day and age.
Which is why I am realizing during my reading of Thomas the Contender that perhaps Jesus really didn't have any children although it would've been extremely unusual if he was not married with kids by the time he was 20 in the era he lived in.
So much has been hidden from us. There are so many shades of the same color that we need a return to simplistic wisdom that stands the test of time. That is easily understood, without religious allegiance and can be universally applied.
One of the "promises" I've made to myself and to God is that I would write such a book. The New Bible of Man where a simple wisdom could be gathered and contained for younger adults to understand and apply in their lives.
Everything from tying a tie to starting a fire to interacting with women and bettering oneself physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally would be listed out in an easy to understand way.
It would be the "go to" book for the dispossessed young and the old.
Boys without a father. Grown men without direction in their lives.
It would feature not only practical tips, diagrams and facts but anecdotes from real men who apply some of the principles contained in the book. "What is the most valuable thing you've learned about being in a relationship" would be one of the questions and a list of answers provided.
The Bible as we have it today, does not provide all of the essential spiritual wisdom we need. There is much missing, as we know with the Book of Enoch, Thomas the Contender and others.
My life feels like a failure at this point. Objectively, that is exactly what it appears like.
Should some miracle be afforded towards me that can restore to me a second chance, this book is what I will pursue.
I dream of living in a place like Vilcabamba, Ecuador where I would have time to compile and write such a book. A book that I myself would want to read in my younger adult years.
What is there to keep me from working on such a book right now?
I want reciprocation for the faith I have given God in the past. I want a sign that tells me this is the correct way to go. I want, need, desire and demand a miracle.
I deserve one at this point.
So many of us deserve a spiritual blessing at least once in their lives.
I feel stuck right now. Living in Edmonton with my mother is like having two radio stations playing at the same time that is displeasing and difficult for my soul to exist within. The song that comes from me does not match either of those noises that I hear. Trapped in a prison within a prison being subjected to dissonant frequencies day and night. Unable to escape.
No purpose in life. No reason to get up in the morning. Nothing to dream for.
Except intervention.
Except a miracle.
I have been beaten down far enough.
I know who I am. A student and a teacher.
I know what I want to do and accomplish.
But I want to first know that something up there is listening or reading those words of mine.
My life is already forfeit. I see no reason to hold onto it other than for this miracle to appear.
Because then I will know that a wisdom greater than my own has compassion enough to want to steer me in the correct direction.
To be the mentor and inspiration I've always needed.
I am here to learn.
Now I wish to apply.
Give me strength Yeshua.
Give me hope.
I've already renounced the world.
