I think of shame. Of guilt, of ignorant and quiet despair.
I think how I have attracted such things to myself, and that they have been the product of a shaky and uncertain faith.
I do believe in goodness. In love. In being happy and prosperous and complete.
Living a life of great joy and meaning.
Being with the woman that I love and deserve to have. Who loves me equally as much in return, if that is even possible.
I believe... There...is more to this life. These clothes. Material possessions and job titles and money and sex and power and corruption and evil.
Though I am... Hindered greatly by my physical defects and my lack of formal education, I... I still hold that flame alive inside of me.
I refuse to believe that this world is...
... The way it often appears to be.
And, that...
Evil is winning. Corruption is infectious, and immorality is a necessity to embrace in order to survive in this world.
On this earth.
I think of these dark things. I hate to entertain these thoughts for long, but I am sometimes indulgent enough to taste the fear that bubbles up inside.
And it's terrible. It's... Concerning.
I.. Do not believe I have earned a life of regret
Of.. Not finding my true purpose, or of making the most of who I truly am and wish to give to the world.
I do not believe these circumstances are to be deserved. Though I accept responsibility, I must also remind myself of the times when I placed blind faith ahead of reason and caution.
I believe myself to be good. To believe others as such, and to have faith in our potential as a human species and where our civilization is going.
And... Its hard, sometimes. It's so painfully hard.
To really find reason to be optimistic about the future.
I.. Don't like writing these words. I feel like I am making them become real, with each letter that I choose. I..
... Have to accept that this is how it is.
I have to.. Accept, and then find faith again.
Though I am down a lot of money now. A line of credit on the stock market that is already worth half of what it was a few months ago.
I'm...
Failing.
I believed in those stocks. I thought I did very well in researching them. I felt they were purchased at a fair price and are due to only go higher with time, as revenue is reported and the numbers impress.
Which, after seeing Colorado in the years since legalization, it made perfect sense to imagine increasing profits each quarter. Particularly since demand has been underestimated, and marihuana is much more profitable and used than we previously believed.
I.. Know I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't make a mistake or overlooked anything obvious enough to make a consciously risky decision to do what I did.
I believe I do not deserve what has happened since I was given this new line of credit months ago. I believed then as now, that it was a sign. A communication, somehow, of a God or being that is aware of and loves me.
Loves me enough to want to help me when I need help the most.
That's what I believe in. That such a thing does exist. And it is outerworldly. Omniscient. Prescient and all-encompassing.
It is powerful. It goes by many names, across many cultures and civilizations.
It is the one idea that we are obliged to believe in. The only one worth believing in.
The only thing that truly matters.
Love. To believe the existence of love is an act of faith.
And there is ample evidence out there to know that it exists, and it is not merely the product of a hopeful or chemically-addled imagination.
It is not a wish or a dream, fiction or fantasy.
It is real. I have... Seen much in my life to know how real it can be.
And yet, I sometimes see very little.
It...
Comes and goes, in the strangest of ways.
This.. Faith of mine having been challenged with more than most can bear.
And, I cannot give into fear.
I will try not to.
I desire to embrace the beauty that this world has to offer, and the many blessings it can produce.
My life has been... In the direction of love.
All along.
And... I..
Fear where it takes me, sometimes.
I've been through so much. So much turmoil and hope and disappointment and shame, guilt, fear, remorse, sadness, pain.
Heart break.
So much heart break.
Could never truly find the mirror of me.
The woman that is exactly as I am.
A woman of sensitivity. Passion. Kindness and joy. A woman that loves to laugh at my jokes, and inspires me to make them.
A woman who is at my side, always, when I need her most.
A woman that makes me smile, like a little boy being given whatever gift he asked for at Christmas. That expensive thing, and the delight and incredulity that it elicits.
That... Does not quite feel like what I have right now. Being with Fola has made me into less of who I am, I feel. I..
I.. Deserve so much more.
And I am presently receiving what I have asked for.
In the scariest of ways.
My faith being the only light that guides me.
No matter where I may go.
And what might happen.
It is scary. Yes.
But it...
Can sometimes be beautiful, as well.
As I am occasionally reminded.
Not enough to fully believe, but enough to accept the odds.
Enough to believe that there is a chance.
A chance worth gambling on.
