A thought that only now occurred to me has proven itself worth mentioning.
It seems that Fola, in the way that she is, rewards me for behavior that is angry, isolated, or hurt w/fear of absence.
That is when she acts towards me as a normal girlfriend already should.
Already should. And yet, much of the time she does not. She does the opposite.
Today, she baked me lasagna with garlic bread. No one there really wanted lasagna for dinner, but my mouth watered at the sauce she was making.
And then, she gave me a massage shortly after as I sat near the couch with Ivy.
Then, weirdly, Ivy asks me for a massage and alternated between wanting her back scratched and having it pinched by miming to me the pinch of a lobster claw. Uhm.
And spent some time alone with Sade learning how to play this African game called Macala.
What a strange state of affairs. Particularly since I wasn't saying very much while there.
Didn't feel like I deserved what was given me. Or perhaps, I absolutely did deserve it for the way Fola has been towards me these past few weeks.
And for much of our relationship. Weird mood swings and unpredictable anger and distance.
I get to thinking that psychic might be right. The one reading I got about how there is a woman in my life who is looking to spiritually undermine me.
Maybe that is true. Maybe I really am being spiritually undermined.
And I'm not sure what to do about that.
I would say from a spiritual perspective, if I was being "attacked" or conditioned to become less spiritually-enriched, I should have confidence enough in the faith that I have to withstand it.
It means that I should not ever be afraid.
Even when things look bleak, I know that my faith counts for something. If I didn't have it, I would not be able to stand up to the abuse I had suffered from Fola over the two years I've known her.
Yeah, I'll say it again.
Abuse.
Sure feels like abuse when you greet your girlfriend at the door warmly and she fails to really respond to your affections.
Or doesn't notice them enough to feel grateful by their actions.
I somewhat consider that abuse. Particularly when it feels consciously-intended. Like a manipulative tactic.
Those are the moments I would call "abuse" when it is willfully done.
I don't know about unconscious, though. Is there an exemption? Can it really be "unconscious" behavior when it happens so frequently? Does Fola really lack self-awareness to pause and consider the effects of her actions on me?
Her words?
You would think that a perfect girlfriend, or one with warmth and empathy, would know well enough to want to always aim for a harmonious and exciting relationship.
One that is filled with commitment and burns with passion.
You would think the perfect partner is one who actually feels like a partner and encourages their mate to become the best version of themselves possible, as they truly have faith in the potential of them.
And in themselves. A joyous optimism. Surrounded by happiness and light.
That to me is my ideal lady. The Twin Flame I've always wanted but don't seem to presently have.
Though my partner insists otherwise.
I can't deny that we have this incredible connection. When we're connected. When we satisfy each other fully and feel a deep sense of love and concern.
One that isn't bartered or taken advantage of.
Or taken for granted.
A love that endures. Feelings that transcend. A beauty that is constantly revealed and admired.
When we are connected, I must again empathize.
Then we have those things.
But... it seems that much of the time we aren't connected. We aren't as we truly are or were.
We spend a lot of time together with unease.
To me it feels like, anyways.
I'd get some nice texts from her but she doesn't seem to say these things to me in person.
Sometimes I wonder if I am even texting the same person as she actually is.
She is so different. Constantly full of surprises. Very difficult to remain stable and predictable enough to feel fully comfortable with.
And that is my predicament.
I... choose this. To remain loyal. To protect myself by believing in myself.
But it sure is hard to believe in myself as much as I used to.
Sad words. But true ones.
Sad but true.
And, that's okay. I can't be looking at the worst of what is before me.
I can only try to see the best. The exciting times ahead. The prosperous times.
No rose-coloured glasses needed.
Because they are how I normally see.
When I try to remain "normal" that is. In the face of such challenges.
To remain upright and with reserved dignity.
Despite all that worries me.
I shall persevere with my faith.
I will try.
And continue to pray.
Miracles can and have happened.
And so a miracle is within the realm of possibility.
Which is what I hope to be blessed with soon.
For I have been blessed before.
And I pray that I am not forgotten or thought of any less for how far I've come since.
I will not beg or barter.
But I will continue to hold honour in my heart for the powers that allowed for all this on the planet to come into being.
To bring life onto this world.
To engineer this incredible playground for us humans.
Although we are having a hard time of it all.
But we have survived and we will continue to survive.
No matter what.
The great flood couldn't stop us.
Neither did the black plague. Or Hitler. Or Ghensis Khan.
Or any despot, crime or calamity.
We survived through all those.
We deserve to be here.
And to achieve happiness.
Along with transcendence.
And a love for all that is divine.
