What a life.
Fola is gone, and I've never felt anything with anyone like I did with her.
For all her flaws, I enjoyed my time with her. She was attracted to me, the sex was incredible, the connection profound, the chemistry almost perfect.
I'm back to the way I was. Single and searching for the right one.
It's so tough. The strength I need to summon within myself is immense if I want to become how I was before I met Fola. I was at peace, I did not have any expectations in mind. I felt tuned into the heart of who I am. I felt as if I was one with God, and after recovering from Gina, I was in this place of surrender.
What worked for me, is knowing that I can't force an outcome. That I have to let things happen as they should. The moment I start thinking that I can change someone is the moment I start to fail.
Because people need to change at their own pace. Not mine. People need to come to their own realizations, and not accept any of mine. People have different expectations than I do, and there's not much I can do to change that.
I realize now, that my challenge has always been about placing myself first and accepting whatever comes my way. If it gets too much to bear, I can state my concerns and leave it at that. I should not get upset unless I absolutely have to. I should always keep faith in the goodness of others, and not judge them unfairly for falling short.
With Fola, she had different expectations than I did. She was married, so she didn't want it. She has a child, so she didn't want another one either. What she did want was unconditional love. She wanted magic. Romance. Excitement and illumination with a like minded soul.
And I gave her all of those things.
I only wanted what we had, but permanently. I wanted to be assured of a future with her. She could not give me that assurance. My faith was running out as time went on. I couldn't keep it alive as she was still married and unavailable and unwilling to please me as much as I was pleasing her.
I have to be honest and truthful when I admit that I loved her. Madly. I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be happy with her, and I was, until my expectations began asserting themselves.
I'm in a place where I'm trying to figure out if I was being unfair about pushing for what I wanted. Had I truly surrendered myself, things would be different. Fola and I would probably still be together, and perhaps if I kept my expectations in check, a future with her would have eventually manifested itself.
Again, truthfully, I did not feel loved by that woman. It's so strange that I would love her, but I do. There's something deep inside that wants her to be a part of my life for the rest of my days.
But she didn't share my feelings. I have to admit that. I was dating a married woman who prioritized other things. Her own pleasure, mainly. I met her at a time when she was giving blow jobs to a guy she hardly knew, and was getting dildos shoved in her by a swinging polyamorous couple who ended up giving her an std.
And I accepted all that. Until I didn't.
It's important that I stand firm on what my values are, and what I expect from my partner. But how firmly should I stand? How can I surrender and calmly accept my circumstances and not desire to improve them?
It's not possible, that's for sure. Growth comes from change. People have to change, and perhaps the mistake I made was being impatient. And losing sight of who I really am.
I'm a conservative. A traditionalist. I believe in monogamy. I believe in having a meaningful relationship and developing it as time goes on. Making it even better. I believe in commitment, loyalty and trust. These things have to be demonstrated. They cannot be assumed, which is something of what I was doing with Fola. I assumed she wanted what I want. I was wrong about that.
Faith is such a hard thing to maintain. I believe we came together for a reason. I believe it was meant to be. I believe we both benefited somehow, although I don't really know yet what lesson I am supposed to be learning.
Maybe I shouldn't prioritize relationships so much. Maybe I need to hold onto myself more. Maybe I need to... Never lose faith and when someone compromises that, maybe I need to accept that they aren't perfect. Like myself.
I have to remind myself that Fola wasn't perfect. She didn't uplift me. She started a lot of fights. She kept ignoring my needs and wants and desires.
So it makes sense to walk away from that. I can't give my heart to someone who isn't giving me hers. I can't hope for a future with someone who doesn't share the same vision as I do. Or the same feelings.
Serenity is what I have to strive towards. And I have to do this knowing that there is a God or a higher intelligence that is willing to help me out. To guide me to where I want to be. To draw towards me the people and opportunities I need to meet.
But it's tough. It's tough, and it's not impossible, either. I've done it before and I can do it again. There has been a progression in my life. There are steps that lead somewhere. Magic can happen, and it has happened, and I have experienced something pretty amazing with Fola.
She made me believe in magic.
And for that, I should be grateful. There is magic out there. Miracles can happen. When I calm my ego down and approach life with an open and receptive heart, magic often follows.
Faith, David. That's what matters right now.
Faith that it will all work out.
As it is working out right now.
Off I go. Work awaits.
