This girl, I tell you. God. She is such a tester. Such a puzzle. As our conversation progressed, it...
Saddened me. It was like watching a trainwreck unfold. Well.. maybe "saddened" isn't the right word, but it certainly was disappointing to see my soulmate act the way she does.
Yeah, I still accept her as my soulmate or Twin Flame, but get this.. she is an imbecile.
Yes. And I don't throw that word around lightly. I don't like being derogatory towards other people and slapping such a label onto them. But.. She's earned it.
Take a look at what she texted with, and I will break them down. I invited her to my place this Saturday because she was talking about wanting to see me.
[2017-06-18 6:41 PM] Fola: I am driving near a nice estate/acreage. There's a lake and pretty, secluded homes. Can't help but think about our place we were talking about. I can picture the house and the garden and the study/library where you'd be writing. Can go walk by the water ...sigh
Okay. So Fola is telling me about how she is still visualizing us in the house/garden/acreage/library that we were both interested in achieving. Sounds good, right? It implies that she is still thinking of us long-term and wants us to build a future together.
[2017-06-18 6:42 PM] Fola: Hmm.. this weekend. Maybe. You're off Saturday and Sunday nights then ? I work Sunday.
[2017-06-18 6:42 PM] Fola: I do want to see you
[2017-06-18 6:48 PM] Fola: Literally a few minutes before you invited me I asked my angel cards about what I'm to do with you and mine's relationship. The card I got was angel of learning. So I asked them to help me see what the lesson is I'm supposed to learn from our relationship and how I can break any patterns. Then you ask me. So now I feel more confused lol. I take it we are to just meet again. I just can't stop thinking about you and us. But I also feel this need to protect myself
It's so annoying.
She is still thinking about me! *fist pump* I'm glad. I've been thinking alot about her too. Not always in the best light, but thinking, nonetheless.
[2017-06-18 6:51 PM] Me: I'll respond more later. Work awaits. But yeah, there's learning to be done. Don't afraid to be vulnerable and trust me as I'm willing to do the same. That's important. Being restrained or unwilling is not going to help either one of us.
What do you think you need to be protected from?
[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: Being hurt again
[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: It hurts when you say things to me
[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: Ok have fun love
Fola is referring to "things" meaning the stuff that I called her out on. Such as telling me that she is willing to work things out, but decides to break up the next day.
[2017-06-18 10:06 PM] Me: Well, you've been hurting me, Fola. I still don't know what you want from me or if you think a relationship is important. And you've know all along what I want. There's no confusion on my end about all this.
[2017-06-18 10:07 PM] Fola: I won't be in a relationship where all the blame is on me
[2017-06-18 10:08 PM] Fola: That's what it boils down to
[2017-06-18 10:08 PM] Fola: I want you to stop putting blame on me
Notice this part here. She started off the "argument" by saying that I "hurt" her. Then I asked her what she wants from me or if she thinks a relationship is important. Those are both ignored, and both are important questions that I've yet to hear the answer of.
Now, also notice that she is saying she doesn't want to be with me if I'm putting "all" the blame on her for how acrimonious it has gotten. Well, guess what Fola. You DO take a LARGE part of the blame, and you should admit and take responsibility for it. I was not the one who got irrationally angry three times in one week. I didn't make you feel like shit. I've always tried to keep you happy, and you hardly tried at all. I wanted to work things out, you agreed, and then the next day you wanted a break up. That is not trustworthy behavior. How can I ever take your word seriously?
[2017-06-18 10:31 PM] Me: And I'd like for you to have a clear picture of what you want from this.
You already know what I can offer and what my intentions are; but I don't know either of those things about you. You have to tell me what you want from me and where you would like this to go.
Until then, we're operating on completely different wavelengths. If you want casual, then say so. If you want this to be serious, say so. If you are able to offer me a committed monogamous relationship, then say so.
And don't assume you are without blame, because you're not. I'm willing to clear the slate and start fresh. But only if I know what it is that you want and what your intentions are.
So, please give me a good answer to these questions. If you are unsure, then I can't keep hoping and dreaming for you to figure it out. I need stability. I need commitment. I need to know that my partner is working with me and not against me.
If there's anything you think I should be doing differently, then let me know. Thanks.
[2017-06-18 10:31 PM] Me: And have a good sleep. Talk to you later
I was being cordial here. She doesn't know what she wants from me, but I'm going to remind her again that I need to know where she sees us going. Long term? Casual? Since she's still visualizing us in a house together and has said she would rather be married to me than her husband Larry; and how she could "see" a future with us together and us waking up in bed each morning.. I mean, come on. That sounds like long-term stuff. But, check out what she follows this text up with...
[2017-06-18 10:37 PM] Fola: You say you're willing to start with a clean slate but keep bringing up past things.
Good grief. I didn't even bring up anything from the past in these last messages, but here she goes. Already laying down blame and accusations. Totally disregarding my offer about starting over, and instead focusing on something negative and unwarranted.
And right now I am not looking for my next long term relationship clearly. I just want to sort out my life and then see when I'm ready to begin again. That's my answer to that. I can't promise much more than that right now David.
CLEARLY she is not looking for her next long term relationship? Clearly? I thought she was visualizing us in a house together? Now it's CLEARLY she's not looking? And she can't promise me commitment. That's what she "promises" right now. The promise of uncertainty.
I wouldn't describe what I want as casual either.
Even more uncertainty. Look at how confused she is. She doesn't want a serious long term committed relationship, but she doesn't want anything casual either. Thanks for the clarification, Fola. Really puts me at ease knowing that I understand where you're coming from.
What I want is someone who respects me, doesn't talk down to me, and doesn't bring up past situations on the constant in hopes of putting me in my place. I just want openness and forgiveness, understanding and unconditional love.
Here we go again with the past situations. Hello, it's called LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES. You haven't proven you've learned anything, Fola. You haven't been apologetic for anything of what you've done. You've taken almost no steps to correct any of my concerns. And you change viewpoints more than I change underwear. How can I possibly respect someone who wants me to give her the world and give nothing in return? She wants openness, but not too much openness when I start discussing how hurt my feelings were when she wanted to sit by other guys and not me. She doesn't want openness. She just wants agreeableness, and she doesn't want to be open with me at all. She is unwilling to tell me where she stands because she has nothing to stand on.
Forgiveness? Why does she want that? Should I forgive her? And unconditional love? Are you freaking kidding me? You have me baited on your hook with making me dream of a future together, and for that I would do anything to achieve. And yet, you are unwilling to give me this "unconditional love" in return. You do not know what love is, Fola. You have yet to learn of it.
Those are the things I'm working towards for myself. I hope to maintain relationships where those are key components.
Look at this part. "maintain relationships" ... What does that mean? Relationships that aren't with me, obviously. Other relationships. Future relationships.
[2017-06-18 10:59 PM] Fola: I do believe we can go back to how things were in jan-feb with us. I am really working on being more open and loving and allowing you to be who you are. But I also need to be the one to come to conclusions if I feel that my attempts are futile.
Going back to the way things were, was something that I said I believed was possible in one of our talks (arguments) in person. She first told me that "I don't think we can ever get back to the way we were" and I argued with her saying that I believed we could, but we both have to try for it. It is not going to magically happen without work. Without her earning my trust.
And oh my God... "I am really working on being more open and loving and allowing me to be who I am" but she doesn't! She hasn't been "really working" at all! Loving? How was she working at being more loving towards me? How was she working at being more open? The common theme I keep seeing is a lot of words and no action. All talk.
I don't quite understand that last line. "I need to be the one to come to conclusions if I feel that my attempts are futile." what conclusions? You want to be the one to "end" the relationship if your "attempts" are futile? What attempts? What exactly have you attempted? You broke up with me the day after saying you wanted to work things out. You have not made an attempt that is meaningful and with actual effort behind it. Such ridiculousness.
So far it seems Everytime we are doing something positive, then something negative / hurtful comes up. It's so ridiculous.
Yes, this is true. Our relationship was incredible when it first started... Until she got irrationally angry with me for reasons she can't explain, three times in one week. That is when I had enough and left for a few weeks. That was a good time for me. I was happy without her.
So.. I have seen time and time again that this woman ruins our momentum by doing stupid stuff that a typical "loving" person just doesn't do. And she doesn't realize she is doing it, either. That is what makes this worse. How can she learn anything if she isn't paying attention? And if I bring her behavior up, she claims that I am "hurting" her. Or that I am putting unfair blame onto her. Or whatever excuses she comes up with to deflect personal responsibility.
[2017-06-18 11:19 PM] Fola: Anyways I hope you have a good shift and rest
I'm just crawling into bed now.
Thanks Fola, I did have a decent shift. Appreciate you saying that.
Man... I tell you. This woman is a piece of work. I had this long text written up to send her, and I realized that a well-formulated rational argument is not going to amount to anything but more negativity and "you've hurt me" comments. It won't be replied with anything substantial, and will probably get dismissed because Fola doesn't have it in her to provide a thoughtful response in return.
So here we have it. I am a "placeholder" kind of "boyfriend" with a married polyamorous woman who still hasn't reassured me if she is willing to be monogamous while we are together. She just wants to use me. Despite all that we've shared and despite the amazing connection we have; I'm still not good enough or desirable enough for her to really consider committing herself towards. And that sucks. And I am... like.. I don't have any feelings left for her. I see this.. broken person before me. This.. being, that is incapable of loving someone.
Earlier in the day I was watching a Ralph Smart video where he talked about how to recognize someone's true colors. One of the examples he brought up, was how they treat animals. In Fola's case, she doesn't like the German Shepard her husband bought. She... manipulates and toys with Zoey for her amusement. I've seen the glint in her eye as she dangles a treat and tells Zoey not to have it. That is an ugly glint. Taking pleasure from depriving an animal of pleasure. Enjoying the exercise of power and control.
That makes sense to me.
Now.. I haven't replied to her texts yet, but I can see a couple of things going on now.
Fola enjoys having me under her thumb, and she respects me less for it. To her, I am nothing more than a dog that is supposed to serve her whims and not bite back when she mistreats me.
I get it now.
A real life succubus. A person without a soul.
I really don't know how someone like her is a nurse. Or why she wants to "help" people when she can't seem to help herself. She seems more interested in having control over people, than to actually try and heal them. She enjoys another person's vulnerabilities and is excited for penetrating through them, so she can see inside without offering anything equally as valuable in exchange.
She takes, and rarely gives.
Hmm.
So this leaves me with a few options. I can tell her to fuck off, like I rightfully should. Or I can continue to try to make a go of this.
Option #1 had felt like the right one for me, months ago, when I took a few weeks apart from her. I felt restored. Happy. Bright. Optimistic. I didn't need her in my life. She wasn't bringing me anything of value to it, despite all that I've been giving her.
Option #2, is to try and hand-wave this all away and continue going on with this sorry excuse for a relationship where I am used and disrespected.
Hmm.
Obviously on paper, option #1 is the way to go.
But, something is tugging at my heart and I realize that...
There is something I need to be doing before I can end this.
I don't know about the idea of "soul contracts" but I am feeling like there is an obligation on my part that needs to be fulfilled. Although I have no idea what it is.
Fola claims that her "angel cards" said this was to be a learning relationship. But I can't teach her anything if she doesn't want to listen. I can't reason with her. I can't bargain with her.
So, how will she learn a damned thing? She won't. At least not by my words she won't.
In thinking about all this, I realize I can either stand my ground or move on.
In a way, I feel like a car driving down a road and coming up towards obstacles in front of me that I can't avoid. I can only take my foot off the gas, but I still will reach a dead end. Slow, or fast, no matter what.
Fola is that dead end which is keeping me from going forward. She is not willing to give me what I need. She is not kind, compassionate, loving or intelligent. She is not spiritual, although she probably thinks her "psychic" powers and "angels" are indications of being spiritual. They are not, and she is not. She doesn't even pray, and expressed surprised when I told her that I did.
Although I am seeing what looks like an obstacle in front of my path, I realize that I don't have to head towards it. I can do something unexpected.
I can put the car into reverse.
And go back the way I came.
Option #3 is different than options #1 and #2 where I either stand by my truth and let her know that I deserve better; or I can let her go and move on. Option #3 is giving her exactly what she wants. Unconditional love.
But, boy oh boy, this has never been done by me before.
And strangely, this option feels like the most tempting one. The most.. interesting one for me to be taking.
I did say that I love her. I still mean it, even if she doesn't.
Hmm.
Option #3 is so... interesting to consider. To forget everything truly, and give her a fresh clean slate.
To have her fall back in love with me.
Fola is not a rational person. She operates off of how she "feels" even if how she "feels" is the wrong way to behave or think.
So.. if she operates by feels, then that means I will have to...
Hmm.. Well, I am not going to spoil her like I did before. She doesn't deserve any of that. She hasn't appreciated any of that to do the same for me. I haven't gotten a massage from her. She doesn't light me any candles. She doesn't try to make me feel special, wanted, appreciated or loved.
Or important.
Or assured.
She is like I once said. Fucking crazy.
And I think having her around would be more interesting than if I didn't.
I want to see where this trainwreck goes. I want to see what option #3 does. Maybe she will have less respect for me, but that depends on how I do it.
You see, unconditional love and respect has to be earned. It has to be reciprocated. So.. she is wanting everything from me, but is not going to give me anything as valuable in return.
So what is in this for me? Occassional sex once in a while?
Hmm.
She is not intellectually stimulating. She is not humble. She is not sweet. She... would rather have a Land Rover than a loving relationship.
So... She's a typical millennial that wants everything for nothing.
No wonder she loves listening to Esther Hicks so much.
Hmm.
I don't know yet what I should do.
I did invite her over for Saturday though, but she gave me a "maybe" instead of a yes.
I hate the "maybes" .. if she really desired to see me, she would say yes.
But that's asking for too much of her.
I don't have any.. well, I don't have much faith left in her.
To me, I see "evil" as being a form of willful ignorance. To live life by denying truth.
The truth being that we all are deserving of love. Not just her.
And that love demands expression. Not merely words.
And that love means going out of your way to prove its importance to you. Not just hang around and take as much as you can before getting kicked out the door.
So...
Heh.
Option #3, should I decide to go with it, means one thing.
A battle between good and evil.
A battle against willful ignorance, where logic and reason are useless weapons to wield.
And the most powerful weapon, is love.
Option #3 is the most difficult of the three I have come up with. Fight, flight or love.
It is also the most noblest of the three options. I have already stood my ground many times and have failed. I have left before, and that seems to have failed also, no matter how much she claims to have missed me, she still fell back to her old unappreciative/take-me-for-granted ways.
And at least with option #3, I can still occasionally get to see her. Why? I suppose its because I enjoy her company when things are going well. I enjoy the sex when we are emotionally bonded. Apart from that, there's not much else. She simply is incapable of loving anyone in a sincere and meaningful way.
So...
Hmm.
Boy am I tired. Long shift today. Need my rest, and these texts are going unanswered at the moment.
She claims she believes that we can go back to the way we were. But I've yet to see if she truly believes that and is willing to make it happen.
All words, remember. No action.
Telling her this is useless.
And I am being disrespected and used.
I really should end things with her.
But she is my soulmate. The mirror side of myself that I find ugly and repulsive but attractive just the same.
That other side of myself is still me. No matter how broken and empty it is.
Hmm.
Option #3...
I'm going to have to sleep on this.
I hope to be given an answer on what I must do next.
In the meantime, I'm going back to dating online again.
And I hope the love of my life arrives soon.
While I prepare myself for battle.
To fight for what I believe in.
Truth, beauty and justice.
The trinity of love.
