I am really struggling. It has been a few days since I last texted Fola, and she is all I seem to be thinking about.
My battle is about figuring things out. On one hand, I was not happy with how I lashed out at her, on the other hand, I feel like I had to let her go. To cut her loose.
I can't keep believing in lies. From early on in our relationship, I was led to believe that there was a chance she loved me, and that she wanted to build a future together.
Over time, she has proven that this is not the case.
There is yet another aspect to my torment that I am still trying to wrap my mind around. I still believe in her. I still have faith in her ability to love me, and to love, but... I don't have faith she will be able to do that anytime soon. I believe developing her capacity to love and understand, is something that will take time.
I really don't like how.. empty I'm feeling right now. I want to be happy. I want to have faith and be optimistic and go on feeling like life is worth living. That faith matters, and that I deserve to have a woman in my life who I can cherish and be cherished by.
It was really one-sided with us. She knows I love her. And she knows she hurts me. I can't forget moments where she would smirk and say, "I know" when I told her these words. I can't forget how it hurt to not hear her say those words back.
Or to take them seriously when she did.
I've been spending the past few days wondering if I've done the right thing. I couldn't contain my anger and frustration at her. She was arguing with me the week before about how she couldn't see us going back to the way things were. And then a few days ago, she texts saying that she does believe we can go back to the way things were.
And I snapped at that. It felt hypocritical to me. It felt like a lie. She was arguing with me before, and now she was agreeing with me. It didn't make any sense for her to change her opinion so quickly. It didn't make any sense for her to argue with me against what she ended up agreeing with.
I really can't stand a hypocrite. "I am willing to make this work" and then wanting a break up the next day.
So many instances of this. Fola has no... principles to stand on. No solid platform or foundation. She is just making things up as she goes, and I can't make myself comfortable around someone who is so uncertain about who she is and what she wants.
I tried at first. Knowing that she was married, and figuring that it shouldn't get in the way of my ability to love someone. And for a while, it didn't. Until I began realizing that she wasn't doing the same for me as I was for her. She wasn't trying to give me what I needed.
And..
I wish she did.
I wish she would've been the first to kiss or hug me when we saw each other. I want her to reach for my hand, I want her to look at me with a shine in her eyes and say "I love you" instead of my having to do it first.
I wish she would.. do so many things, and I... couldn't keep.. giving so much of myself to someone who gave back so little.
No matter how much I loved her, it wasn't enough.
It didn't seem to matter.
She took me for granted, anyways.
I don't have much else to say about this. I ended this poorly, and she...
(sighs)
She still doesn't seem to know what she's done wrong.
Or she does, but she doesn't care to change her ways.
Another thing I got upset about, was when I told her that I thought that love is something that needed to be worked on. To be expressed and given, even if one of us wasn't in the mood. She disagreed. She said that "love should just be" and no "work" was required.
I.. got mad at that. I don't believe in such effortlessness at all. I believe it when two people truly love each other, but when one person is in love and the other isn't; then it means there is work involved. It means she has to try and come up to my level. To at least show gratitude and willingness enough to meet me halfway. To maybe.. meet me all the way, eventually.
But I can't force anyone to change, and this is what I am struggling with most. I can't *force* change. I can't make her be something or someone she doesn't want to be. To think in a certain way that she doesn't want to be thinking. I can't make Fola believe in a future with us together, even though I have tried my best to paint a nice picture of it.
In the end, I am left feeling.. shame. Anger. Sadness.
I don't know what else I can do, other than to state with confidence, that my feelings for her did not deserve to be disrespected and taken for granted.
I deserve better.
Fola knows that. She said so herself.
(sighs)
Sorry blog.. all I do is complain on here.
I want to stop complaining.
I want to start loving.
I want to find someone worthy of what I have to offer them.
Because I have something precious within me.
And I shouldn't be giving it so freely.
Or maybe I should.
I don't know.
(sighs)
I need to figure this out.
All I know is that I came to her with my best. I gave her everything I had.
I loved her.
I still love her.
And she does not love me.
I had to walk away from that.
I refuse to believe in something that wasn't true.
No matter how badly I wanted to.
And I wanted to believe in it pretty bad.
That about sums it up.
