Yesterday Fola called me up at work and...
Well.. It was really nice to talk to her again. She thought so too, and I'm left with wondering where am I supposed to be going from here.
I have thought about her quite a bit lately. I know she is.. not the type that will welcome me from a hard day's work with a smile, a hug or in lingerie. I.. want to believe that this is possible, but I can't see Fola as being the type that would make these kind of efforts on my behalf.
And as I kept thinking further, I'm realizing that.. She doesn't take our connection very seriously. Two days ago I felt the compulsion to masturbate for whatever reason at around 11:30am, once I woke up. Later in the day, I had gotten a text from Fola asking if I could "feel her" and I said that I don't know, but I was.. feeling my own feelings. As in, I was trying to remain as true to my emotions as possible and surrender myself to the present moment.
She then said that she had this "energy" going through her, and that she couldn't stop thinking about me. I asked her what time that happened, and she said it was around 11:30. Yes. When I was masturbating, so was she and we both had intense orgasms.
I remember thinking her name at the peak of my orgasm, and.. I don't know man. I still believe she is.. my soulmate, my twin flame or my other half; but she just calls it an "energetic connection" and doesn't ascribe as much importance to it as I do.
I am in awe of some of the things we've shared. These milestones and new heights and I want to develop things further. I want us both to try and make it work between us. To grow. Develop ourselves. Become better people.
But, man.. I can't be expected to carry all this on my own. I can't be the only one that is excited about exploring things further.
I.. Lately I have been thinking about how everything seems to be happening for exactly the right reasons at the right time. Obviously, I can't provide proof of that. But the feeling within me is so strongly hinting that incredible things are around the corner. Even on days when I feel uncertain about who I am and where I am going; this feeling seems to reassure me. I don't know how imaginary it is, but when I look back on my life, I see.. moments that lead to other moments. I see myself as being prepared for something. I dated two black girls before I met Fola, and by the time I met her, her ethnicity didn't influence me as much. There was no "exotic" appeal once I had already been with these other two girls; and I think that is what those other women prepared me for.
For Fola.
It looks like I'm working the weekend. Night shift, so I can't do anything at night with anyone. All I have is a few hours in the afternoon to do stuff. I can't..
I can't find time to be with anyone. And.. I feel a bit ashamed of myself for suggesting that Fola move in with me. She's looking for a new place, and I wouldn't be charging her much, but she said that I lived too far.
I keep feeling like maybe I shouldn't be over-eager about all this. Because she isn't. I know that the only way I should feel, is to be authentic and to honor that authenticity. I can't pretend like I don't want a girlfriend to love and be loved by; but I also can't pretend that Fola is the right person for me, even if she is. Because she doesn't seem to think that our relationship is worth developing.
She has not.. taken us seriously. And it seems that only in my absence does she start missing me.
So.. I don't know man.
Such a tightrope I am walking here. I have been thanking God and a variety of other deities such as Krishna, Vishnu, Kali, Ganesha, my higher self, Archangel Michael and even my deceased father. I have been including them all in my prayers each day, asking for guidance and inspiration and strength and wisdom.
I think that maybe I am being guided. I sure feel like it sometimes, but I won't really know until I arrive to where I am expected to be.
A song that I am really enjoying right now is "Without a Map" by Marketa Irglova. Such a beautiful song. The music is perfect. The lyrics hit me in the heart and echo my feelings, and Marketa has a fantastic voice. It really delivers and soothes me.
I feel as if I am here without a map and.. the truth is, I am not.
The only map I need is love.
And that is the map I will try my best to follow. Through thick and thin.
Through good and bad.
Loving myself.
And loving others.
Not an easy task by any means, but I have been trying. I know I am a good man with a lot to offer the right lady.
Whenever she arrives, and whoever she might be.
Everything is going as they should be.
And I have to stay true and honor the principles within my heart. To keep focused on the things that I want and deserve from this life.
It's all I can do.
Fola is welcome to share her life with me, if she is willing to give me her heart as much as I have given it to her.
But, I can't force her to do so.
All I can do is be me.
And have faith that the right things will happen at the right time.
Because this does feel like.. my destiny being realized. Over the many years I have been on this planet, I feel that things are in motion. That I am walking a meaningful path and I am experiencing a meaningful existence.
I do believe in life after death. I do believe we are here to learn something.
And I am doing my best to learn it.
Whatever it may be.
