Fola came to see me on Friday, she took a day off from work and we hung out.
(sighs) She's so easy to get along with. Conversations were effortless. Silence was comfortable. Sex was great. We made spaghetti together and washed the dishes afterwards, and that was great too. Easy, simple, effortless, fun.
Wish I could experience that every day.
Yeah, so.. I don't know if Fola and I are actually back together or not. I keep thinking about that email she wrote about wanting to give me more love and attention and commitment, but I'm still not fully believing that she is going to deliver on all that. From what I saw on Friday, I think there were steps being taken that are encouraging, but doesn't seem to be encouraging enough.
When she wrote me that she was 99% sure she was monogamous; I had to ask her again about it on Friday, and she replied saying that she doesn't like labels and she doesn't identify with either/or. Really doesn't help matters much when she waffles on her opinions and points of view each time like this. I never know what to really think about her, or to have much respect for someone who changes their mind as often as they change their clothes.
But, I'm grinning and bearing it, I suppose.
Seeing her again reminded me how much potential our relationship has, if only she would want to tap into it and explore it further. Nurture it along. Take it more seriously. At the same time, I have to admit that she has a lot on her plate right now and any crumbs that fall off the table are about all I can expect to have and be happy with at the moment.
Because I thought we were broken up, I went for a date with Michelle as planned on Sunday, and she was a surprise. A really nice lady coming to me with a full and open heart. She was constantly touching me, and afterwards texted saying that I was "really attractive" which kind of threw me for a bit of a loop just because I have never seen myself that way really.
So, I don't know. I'm still dating, I'm still apparently seeing Fola, I'm still unsure of where my life is going and what I need to be doing with it. One thing for sure, is that when Fola is with me, I feel more alive and energized and motivated and complete. But, I don't know if she feels the same. Or if she does, she doesn't consider it as important to her as I do for myself.
Man... Her dad just arrived from overseas and she's going through a heck of a time with him. He told her today that she was going to hell because she was doing yoga. I repeated my offer about her moving in with me, and I feel a bit odd in doing so. Inviting her to move in with me is such a big change and opportunity for the both of us. It would invite criticism. It would potentially cause problems. But it could also be the greatest thing to happen to us as well.
I really don't know.
My writing has been stalling lately. I'm not as motivated as I once was about it. Part of me realizes that I am more passionate about connecting with people then I am about putting my thoughts down. But maybe thats a mistake. Maybe I need to really discipline myself and push myself forward to where I want to be. I can't just live off of hopes and dreams and wishes and unicorns sliding down rainbows from the sky. I need to ground myself more. Take reality more seriously. Make something more of my life that doesn't involve insulating, pining over a married woman, and not knowing where life is taking me.
If I don't steer myself in the direction I need to go, then something else will.
My faith has taken a beating as well. I haven't been praying as deeply and sincerely as I have been. I'm sad about it because it was such an important connection for me to be making. When I discard the value that prayer and introspection brings, I realize that there's not much left for me to be inspired or encouraged by.
I keep talking about the things I need to do, but I can't seem to be able to make time for them. I have to take things more seriously. I have to chart a clear course for myself. I have to schedule and make time to pursue my dreams, whatever they might be. Or at least to settle onto something that would lead me closer to the life that I would want to have.
I need to smarten up. My dad would tell me that at the end of each night, he would ask himself if his day was well spent. If he accomplished enough in it. I understand that way of thinking. I've been there before, and I greatly admire him for having had that mentality.
I just wish I could keep it going. Day to day. Living a purposeful and meaningful existence.
Life is tough when I'm having to deal with it on my own. Fola feels like the missing half of myself, but I don't know if she feels the same way about me. I hope so, but she doesn't say such things.
(sighs)
There are things in motion, thats for sure. The world feels like a different place these past few weeks. As if I've entered another type of planet that looks almost exactly the same, but isn't really. Something less optimistic and more constrained and bleak. But, I'm also not ready to give up on it. I still have hope inside of me. Maybe this is a lull, a silence between the notes of the melody that is playing itself out. Maybe I will snap back to my senses and really prioritize what is important, and move towards it.
No matter how difficult it can get.
Have to go to work soon. I'm taking along one of my chapters to try and work on while there, but I'm not sure if I have enough time to really devote to editing/correcting it. My breaks aren't long enough for that. I need to schedule a block of time each day to devote to my writing. I absolutely have to.
Mm.
I have prayed for so long and so consistently, that I wonder when the answers will come. I thought I had them earlier in the year, but they seem to have trickled through my fingers. I blame my arrogant pride for that.
Did a hearing test on Saturday, and yes, I need hearing aids. 3,500$ per ear though. That's stupidly expensive, but the particular ones I was looking at were unobtrusive and easily concealed. Exactly what I'm hoping for.
I have 3 grand in the bank and need to fix my car. $7,000 for hearing aids is such a bitter pill to swallow that I need to look further into what my benefits plan covers. I need to see how much of that I can write off during tax-season. I need to keep working, and making money and being frugal and cautious because next year might be difficult to find a job. I have to accept how sobering a thought that it will be, once it happens.
I may not insulate next year. Who knows? This is my last chance at making this kind of money so that I can buy hearing aids, fix my car and have a bit saved up for next year.
I'm buying lottery tickets. I pray that one of them will amount to something.
And Fola.. (sighs) .. Will she change? Can I expect good things with us?
I don't know. And I don't think she does either.
Well...
Back to reality I go.
Stay with me, God.
I need you now more than ever.
