Circumstances Change According To One's Own Purpose

That James Allen guy, I tell you. He's onto something.

The title of this post reflects the sentiment behind one of his daily meditations for the day of November 7th.

It's kind of a slap upside the head, that entry I read. A kind of crime, for which I unintentionally rhymed.

Getting all Dr. Seuss up in here.

Okay, so, this entry said that circumstances change according to one's purpose. This is from a book that was written almost a hundred years ago. It predates "The Secret" and I feel it to be a bit of a peripheral insight into the "law of attraction" which states that good things will happen to those with good thoughts.

I've never really believed in the Law of Attraction. I sort of did, and didn't. I've tried experimenting with LOA methods, and I did get results; but they didn't really convince me of very much. Other than to know that I had a hand in shaping my destiny, and that the method does not always work. No matter how much time I spent sitting around wishing for things to happen. Or believing that they will, even though they haven't.

Prometheus Rising by Sir Robert Anton Wilson; was a secular version of The Secret, and I remember enjoying a lot of the conclusions he ended up making. The coin experiment, in particular, where if you focus on finding change on the ground; then you will start finding it more often than usual. But is that because you are manifesting your reality? Or is it only because you are simply paying more attention to the environment around you, and being mindful of opportunities whenever they present themselves?

It's probably a bit of both, I'm thinking.

The mind is a tricky thing to understand. Our power to change, is equally as mystifying. What can we change? To what extent? What would a reasonable amount of time be going from the initial desire of wanting to change; and then following it through all the way to the goal? How much effort is really required? How much positive thinking/optimism is actually needed? If any?

James Allen says that circumstances change when you are living purposefully. I agree with that. They do change. But not always for the better. At least, from the perspective of an ant being unaware of a giant boot about to squash him when he least expects it. There's a big picture out there that most of us have no idea about. Stuff that we can never predict coming.

You just never know what life will throw at you. But, there definitely is some wisdom in what he is saying. More so than hocus-pocus like The Secret, or some of the other "wish for it, and it will come true!" books I've read.

Action should always spring naturally from desire. Desire unacted upon, is desire that rots at the soul. Even if you desire something so strongly that you take the steps to achieve it; it does not guarantee you will get it. And it also does not mean that what you desire, is what you actually need. Or should have.

Again, life is such a mystery sometimes. What can we change? How? To what extent? How much work is involved? Can faith really fill in the gaps of not knowing what the steps are to achieving what we want out of life?

Is faith really all we need?

I'd answer no, to that. Sometimes the most evil and vilest people out there, are rewarded for their behavior. And that is a problem and result which is inconsistent with the idea of the "Law of Attraction." How can psychopaths flourish like they do, and not be made accountable for it? How is it that they side-step obstacles that would take down the average person and completely break their spirit?

You can make the case that their lack of morality and sympathy are exactly the attributes that brought them success in life; and I wouldn't argue that. That is how capitalism often rewards. But again, why is it that good things -- very good things, often happen to very bad people?

Yesterday I was at my moms, and in the living room with her and my stepdad. I put on the Michael Moore documentary I watched, and pointed out all the cool stuff in there. How Finland has the most educated children in the world, and yet, they only go to school for 3 hours a day. Or how France prepares the most elaborate meals for children in school. Or how Italians get almost 2 months of paid vacation each year, with employers being glad to pay for it. Just a lot of really interesting ideas from around the world in how to solve the problems of America, all done in a nicely paced and entertaining documentary.

Well, my stepdad hated it. From the very minute this thing started playing once he saw that Michael Moore was involved.

"Oh that fat fucking prick." and then he goes into this rant about what a loser Michael Moore is. Totally unjustified and irrational behavior.

And yes, my stepdad would vote for Trump if he could.

Throughout the entire documentary, he kept going on these rants. Saying not a single positive thing or contributing any positive thought or observation. Just a stream of negativity running the gamut from racism, to homosexuality to corruption in politics, and even mocked the idea of women rights/equality, despite the evidence being presented.

"Oh, this isn't going to change anything!" he huffs, as Moore pointed out how America could benefit from adopting ideas and attitudes that other countries like Norway, Finland, Slovenia, France, Italy, Germany had implemented. "People aren't going to do anything! Nothing is going to change!"

I found myself having to be the only sane voice in the room.

"Better to have these ideas out there for people to consider, than to not do a thing and keep quiet. At least these are solutions worth considering. What kind of ideas do you have?"

He didn't want to get into a rational argument with me, and its not worth writing out exactly what his proposed solutions were ("deport Muslims!"). I was paying attention more to my mother and the documentary, than I was with him, and he kept talking almost constantly throughout. I just listened for key words and rebuffed his arguments whenever I could. Non-chalantly and without any passion or emotion involved on my part. Basically, the guy was an angry close-minded idiot who hates everything and thinks the world is going to hell. Dog eat dog, all the way. That's how we must be.

He brought up the point that Muslims come here to be on welfare, and don't pay taxes, even though I worked with two Muslim guys who showed up every single day, and put in 12 hours. Then I made the point of reminding him that Trump evaded taxes, and refused to release his records.

But he had no valid response to any of that. Other than to argue that Trump does pay taxes. Even though he has no idea how much or little, if any, that he does.

He took a shit on just about everything Moore brought up in his film, and then during a lull; there was a moment when my mother asked if he wanted her to cook him some eggs.

And that's when it hit me. This angry, racist, homophobic misogynist has been with my mother for over 25 years, and she is still with him. She's still.. asking if he feels like having eggs. And catering to his whims.

And.. Man.. I just felt bad. I felt it was so unfair that someone like him was with my mom for so long.

And I can't.. I couldn't hold onto someone like Georgina no matter how hard I tried. And I'm.. I consider myself a good person. Troubled, sure. Cynical, absolutely. Damaged, of course. But a good person with good intentions living in a world where such qualities are difficult to hold onto. A world that rewards people for going the other way, and not towards the ideal of what a human being should be.

I looked at my mother, her being so willing to serve and.. I just didn't understand it. Abused wife syndrome? I can't imagine her sleeping with this guy. I can't imagine why she would still want to be with someone so negative and hateful.

I just couldn't get it. Not until we had a conversation about my mother's pension/retirement money.

My mom is getting about 1,300$ a month as a pension. That's a combination of old-age security and Canadian pension.

$1,300 a month. That's it. Who can live off of that? After paying off bills, groceries, car insurance, house insurance, property taxes, gas... What's left? What kind of life would someone have if they were alone and living off of $1,300 a month?

That's assuming the house is paid off, and no mortgage/rent is being paid. Car is paid off as well as no other unforeseen expenses. Such as needing a new furnace or roof.

It's sad. So, my mother is with my stepdad because he has money. She puts up with all his crap, because he has a good pension, a 70 thousand dollar truck. A giant ass TV. He pays for vacations. He pays for groceries, among other things.

No wonder she sold her soul so easily. Security beats being uncertain and unable to survive. Even if there's a steep psychological and spiritual toll that needs to be paid.

It's so disheartening. My stepdad is someone I would gladly never talk to again in my life, had he been a stranger or a co-worker. But he's not. He's been around me since I was 16. I still remember how much I disliked him back then. And he hasn't really changed.

He has always been negative. Making lewd and inappropiate jokes at other people's expense. Casually throwing the word "fuck" around, even if children are present. Talking about how much he hates Muslims, and immigration in general despite he himself, being an immigrant from Poland.

My stepdad.. Man..

He has it all.

Good pension. Lots of money in the bank. Expensive truck. Expensive TV.

And my mother.

(sighs)

Circumstances change according to one's purpose, huh James Allen? Like attracts like? Birds of feather flock together? What you think, you shall become?

That last line is from Buddha, by the way.

I don't know. It doesn't seem right, in this case. I'd like to think that karma is a bitch, and my stepdad has not treated anyone well in life. I don't think he's bought flowers for my mom in years. I don't think he actually goes out of his way to make her happy, or to do anything nice for her, other than to pay for a vacation and to give her money.

Is that love? Hell, no it's not.

Is karma working? Not in his case.

My mother is in a parasitic relationship.

And it seems to be working well for them.

I sometimes wonder what would happen if I somehow had a million bucks, and gave a large chunk of it to my mom. Would she leave him? I think she would, since she made sure to sign the house over to my name so that if she passes away, he won't be able to claim it.

And she has him listed as a "renter" rather than as a spouse; so that seems to be proof enough right there that she would leave.

But really.. does money have that much power over people?

Yes. Yes it obviously does.

I'd like to think my mother is a good person, but I sometimes wonder about that. She is the type that would not hesitate to make false claims if it meant she would get money out of doing so. I remember when there was aid being given to Fort Mac refugees a while ago, and she was telling me how she should have waited in some lineup somewhere, and get free money/aid out of it. "Nobody would know" she told me.

And that's only one example of many. If she paid for something at the store, and someone gave her back more change than she was owed; she would never correct their mistake. If she found someone's purse or wallet on the street; I'm pretty sure she would take the money out of it and not contact the owner.

Or maybe she would. I don't think anything like that has happened to her for me to really know for sure.

Anyways, the point of all that is to illustrate that a positive attitude by itself is useless. Or it appears useless, unless you can use it as fuel somehow. To get you from one place to another. A better place, anyways.

And.. I suppose another thing it illustrates, is that karma doesn't necessarily exist, it seems. My stepdad is a foreman that a lot of people hate. Yes, he gets things done, but by using fear and threats of retribution/punishment for those who don't comply with his expectations.

He's very Gordon Ramsey in his field. He'll yell and scream and throw childish tantrums; and people condone it. People are just too afraid to say otherwise.

"Chris gets results," is likely what a lot of the managers would say, when it comes to deciding who to put up as a foreman or as a superintendent. And there's no question that he does get things done.

But, he doesn't do it in a way that is consistent with the character of a good person. He is not patient, affectionate, loving, respectful, considerate.

The only affection he shows, is to his three cats.

I can't remember the last time he and my mother have kissed.

Can't remember if I ever saw them holding hands in the 25+ years I've seen them together.

And yet, they're still together.

And they kind of are happy. Somewhat.

It's so fucked up.

Yeah, so.. I don't know what to make of all this. I don't know why I keep reading these self-help books and learning about spirituality and wanting to make a difference by writing my novel, when it seems that it all amounts to nothing if people like Chris are able to create a satisfying life for themselves by perpetuating negativity and hatred.

He's the most cynical man I know, and yet even his amount of cynicism wasn't enough for my mother to end a relationship with him. Oh, she did a few times in the early years they were together; but somehow, he always came back. Always moved back in. Even if it was the sixth time they had "broken up."

And here is me, trying my best to improve myself so that I can be a worthy husband, boyfriend, father, son, worker, writer.. and..

People like him don't even try.

And they get rewarded for their ignorance.

(sighs) I'm so tired of thinking about all this, but I have to keep thinking. I have to keep trying, and somehow come to an understanding of how I must be. But maybe that's the problem. Maybe I'm trying too hard. Maybe I already know everything I need to know about myself, and how to achieve what I most want.

Maybe I'm just.. not brave enough. Or.. confident enough. Or arrogant, which is a quality a lot of successful people seem to have. This unshakable conviction that they are in the right, and everyone else is in the wrong.

Take Steve Jobs for instance. Complete asshole to work with, but you can't argue with the results he got.

Does that make his behavior acceptable?

He certainly made a lot of people happy when he first unveiled the iPod and then the iPhone. He changed the world, really. He pretty much made the cell phone what it is today.

And he made himself rich.

His ambition was rewarded. No matter what he had to do in order to realize it. In the long run, it was all considered acceptable by consumers around the globe. Among those oblivious to his ways of running things; and among those who knew what kind of a dick he was.

So what is the lesson I'm supposed to be getting from all this? How can I motivate myself to keep going with trying to live a principled and rewarding life?

Maybe.. Maybe I just need to stop trying so hard. There's something I'm missing here, that I'm too stupid to quite understand. I'm sure of it.

One of the things an (ex) friend of mine said to me in my early 20s, was that he should be an asshole (to get a girlfriend) because I was one (and had a girlfriend at the time when he was still a virgin).

He couldn't fathom how I managed to get a girlfriend, so I tried explaining it to him.

"It's not that I'm arrogant, or an asshole; it's because I'm confident, and sometimes arrogance comes with confidence. Women appreciate a guy with confidence."

And then I would spend the next decade or so, trying to eradicate this arrogance from myself. Because I absolutely hated it. I didn't like being a know-it-all. I didn't want people to think less of me, because I was cocky and brash and rebellious and selfish.

But.. those qualities made life interesting for me. It rewarded me in certain situations. Like getting myself a girlfriend.

I should also add, that at the time Shane told me this; Elizabeth was my girl, and I didn't treat her very well. In fact, since she came after my becoming disillusioned with Michelle (my first); I really didn't pay much attention to her, and she craved it.

Supply and demand, I suppose. Give people a taste of love and attention; and they will always be at your table, begging for scraps. Treat people well and give them love, respect, attention.. and they will often take your company for granted. They will think less of you and place a lower value on your worth as an individual.

It's so fucked up how it works.

Best way I can think of resolving all this, is that confidence is mistaken for arrogance and that women are often too dumb to be able to tell the difference. Also, an authentic man is better than an indecisive one who is overly-eager to please, and is insecure about himself and his place in the world.

That's the difference right there. Being confident, even if it turns into arrogance; is the quality that every man must learn to nurture.

Just like I told Shane back then. I may appear as an asshole to him, and at the time I kind of was; but what I really was, was confident, and confidence is such an alluring quality to attract women with.

Got to remember that.

Desperately wanting a woman to settle down with, should be low on my list of priorities.

The first priority, being myself.

If I can't take care of myself, if I can't make myself happy...

Then how can I make anyone else? How can I take care of anyone else?

Something to think about.

I need to stop bashing my head against the wall. I need to find myself again, and rescutite my sense of humor. Luring it out with the promise of reward.

Got to stop taking everything so damn seriously.

And accept my circumstances.

But always mindful of moving forward.

And never back.

The Cynic Invades

Just had an eureka moment after watching the Michael Moore documentary, 'Where to invade next' and I think I figured out the root of..

Wait, maybe not the root, but definitely a part of the large problem we face with living in such an individualistic and material-focused society. It's cynicism. Distrust, caused by a number of factors.

If you cut to the real meaning of the word, it becomes a lack of faith that western culture has in its leadership and evolution. What caused this? The actions of mostly men. Just as Moore suggests it is.

Hmm. I enjoy finding solutions and answers to difficult issues, but I have to think a bit more about what could unify America and bring its people closer together.

It involves giving and developing respect. For sure. Desire, absolutely. And faith. Faith in always being able to do the right thing. The only thing. No matter how hard it may appear to be.

But. Cynicism gets into everyone and everything. Like sand on a beach.

So. People need to be the opposite of cynical. They need to have reason to believe, again.

How can this be done? By restoring trust between citizen and government. Corporation and employee. Parent and child. Husband and wife. Book and reader.

Trust needs to be restored, and the best way to do that, is to refine and define the values and traditions we wish either to adopt, or to move forward with. As individuals. And as a society.

I think there's progress being made, but not enough, and sometimes it's the wrong kind. Especially with the American election only a few days away and two absolutely horrible candidates that voters have to choose between.

The enemy we face.. Is a goliath. A giant that is large and fierce and intimidating with a great deal of power over us. Power accrued from the manufacturing and marketing, of fear.

American corporations, governments, militaries, ministries each all have more power, than any one of us. They have more power than any hundred of us.

And interestingly, they only have power, because it has been given to them by those who have been deceived into doing so.

And it is the great deception, that is at the heart of cynicism. Of evil.

Of a lack of faith. A lack of respect.

Got to think more about this. I'd like to polish it up for inclusion into my novel somehow.

Be socially responsible and all that jazz. Do my part.

Assuming it ever gets finished, published and then reaching a decent number of people who become inspired and interested in these kind of observations.

Hmm.

As with all great ideas, they are meaningless unless acted upon.

So therefore, I must be the change I seek in this world. Or country. Or America, to be specific.

I have to start here. With myself.

And live that change.

I can be too critical and cynical at times. But I always thought it was constructive and justified.

Maybe. Maybe it wasn't constructive enough. Maybe it was a product of helpless anger, that had me speaking ill of how terrible America and their culture / politics has become.

But, anyone would be critical if they grew up the same way I did. To see the things that they see now from what it was once.

Mmm.. Not sure where I'm going with this.

I'm critical of other people too. Not just movies and music and politics. But people I know. Family. Friends. Myself.

Online dating.

I'm a cynic. And I don't want to be.

I need to learn how to be critical without being cynical, so that I can improve and better my character. And by proxy, help improve and better others.

I think that makes sense.

It was my being cynical, that made Gina broke up with me. Or at least it played a big role in her decision to do so.

And I was carrying a lot of buried negativity, for years before I met her. Hiding it as well as I could. Always trying to tone it down within myself, but never quite succeeding in eliminating it.

Never really taking responsibility for it. Because it was never me that caused these feelings, it was them. As a child, I was optimistic. Passionate. Excited and enthusiastic until life intervened, and I was bullied, and my first girlfriend was the product of a die-hard bible-thumping family and she made me a lose a lot of respect for women and kick-started the cynicism I now have with relationships. I can easily point to who and what is responsible for me to have turned out this way.

It's so easy to be pointing fingers at everyone but myself.

But maybe, I should be taking a good hard look at why I allowed others to beat me down the way they have. Or at least, why I've allowed them to affect me to the point where I can't trust others, when I know that there are trustworthy people out there. And that even if trust is breached, I shouldn't have to go on like the rest of the lemmings out there who feel it's okay to abandon their sense of morality and embrace a questionable code of ethics for themselves. Just because the world is unfair, doesn't mean one is allowed to stoop down to the level of others. One must always be a beacon in the darkness, and the darker everything gets; the more important shining a light becomes.

Responsibility.

Thats my next step.

Believing in myself. Believing in the core of who I am, and scrubbing off the residue left behind by careless girlfriends. Parents. Friends. Society. My job. Films like Dickshark.

Washing it all off me, and carrying on.

And renewing myself.

Now I understand why I enjoy time off work so much.

It helps me recover my sovereignty.

It rebalances my perspective.

Naming this blog blasé ten years ago implies I've been dealing with the problem of cynicism for at least that long. I'm pretty sure it started with the election of George Bush, if I had to put it within a certain frame of time. So, 2000-2001 then. I still remember being extremely disappointed at how he stole the election, and then all he had done afterwards. Which is hilariously weird, since I don't even live in America and yet I feel so empathic towards Americans.

Hmm.

Interesting.

I'll have to keep thinking about this.

And I need to keep myself reminded.

Glad I got this chalkboard.

Never Backwards, Always Forward

Random ex-girlfriend musing #1,238

Gina was so excited to be with me in our first few months together. So excited. She was so attentive and happy and trusting and spirited and... I felt so flattered at how hard she was trying to make me happy, that I became incredibly suspicious of it all. This kind of thing has never happened to me before. Ever. And I'm almost 40 with plenty enough experience with women.

She used to wear lingerie often. This one purple satin shirt that flattered her bust; and this incredibly sexy black top with matching panties and a garter belt holding up these crazy fishnet stockings she had on... Oh, man. (fans self) it was something else.

She really liked me. And I was really suspicious.

And I guess, I'm just not used to having someone like me this much. It was so hard to accept that it was easier to take it all for granted, than to express any genuine bafflement and sincere appreciation on my behalf.

I'm pretty disappointed with myself right now. Kind of zoning out on an episode of Luke Cage and letting my thoughts fly loose. Not the most blog worthy thing to rush to the phone for, but I want to remember that. Going into the future, wherever it will take me and looking back on how I was. How I am now.

Kind of important I'd say. Also had a date with Amber, who said she gets 150 messages a day from guys on POF and that I was the only one worth meeting out of all of them. I felt super flattered with that. Date went okay I thought. Nothing too remarkable. She was alright looking, and was a single mom of three kids; two of whom refuses to speak with her. Messy divorce. Long hours at work, where she arrives home exhausted each day. Has her 16 year old daughter with her every other week. Big and ugly chest tattoo that she had on display. Kind of low cut shirt. "progressive" style blond hair cut with part of her head shaved, and hair just past her chin.

We just went for coffee, talked, had some laughs, a smoke and then she left an hour later. Yawning fairly often.

Eh. No real excitement on my part, but I'd sleep with her I think. Or hang out. Whatever. I think we only scratched the surface and that there are things worth exploring in each other.

But I'm still playing it cool. Staying true to my heart. Not pretending to be anyone but myself.

We'll see what happens. Funny kind of coincidence in how we met, too. Amber and I were supposed to meet in August, before she started ignoring my last "what time tonight?" messages. She said she was working late, and I figured she had her reasons for not texting back.

Turns out she really doesn't remember why she ignored me months ago. There was some 48 year old guy she was involved with around that time, so maybe this was the reason why I got ghosted.

There's other details, but I'm not going to bother getting into them. No point, really. So so date, and I'm not fighting off any kind of strong feelings while being away from her. So really, no big deal if it doesn't work out. No weird feelings today either.

Well. Last episode of Luke Cage now. I love the black representation on this show. Same reason Coming to America is one of my favourite comedies. Eddie was such a cool cat back in the day.

Watching this show reminds me that I had sex with a well endowed black woman once and it was amazing.

Even if she wouldn't pay for my coffee those two times.

Ah well. Always moving forward, I guess. Got to know the good from the bad and experience the extremes on both ends.

Hope something good shows up for me soon. I would appreciate a beautiful and playful girlfriend to have right now.

Her head on my shoulder. Wrapped inside of a blanket with me. Netflix and chilling. Or just laying in bed upstairs listening to music and having conversation with lasers on the ceiling and a fog machine going.

(sighs)

Where's that lady hiding at?

Suddenly, A Demogorgon Appears

Wow. That white guy with the sunglasses, "Shades" I think his name is on Luke Cage, looks exactly as how I envisioned (one of) the antagonists of my novel. Exactly.

A Pitbull clone with dark sunglasses and an expensive watch. Slim build. Menacing presence.

In the show, he's played by Theo Rossi. Some guy from Sons of Anarchy which I've never watched and have no desire to.

Great stuff. In my novel, I planned on calling him Leland Kane, but I'm thinking now of a better more intriguing name.

Ingrid Cold.

Hmm. (examines picture)

Maybe not. Maybe so.

We'll see.

Free Falling

Okay, there is definitely some weirdness afoot. I don't know what its being caused by, or if its only me; but I feel like the world has changed somehow, or that something is looming. Whether its good or bad, I have no idea, and because I've experienced a similar sensation in the past; I feel equipped to deal with whatever it is.

It all started with a haircut, basically. I felt a little "off" before going, but nothing out of the ordinary. It was likely the residual effect of being unemployed, and being unsure of what my day was going to be like.

So, getting out of my car near the barber shop, I had to deposit my GST cheque at the bank and walking the short distance there, made me feel a bit like a fish out of water. Again, no big deal, as this "I don't belong on this planet" feeling has been dealt with and accepted before. Several times.

Except, as I was walking to the bank, I looked inside the barbershop and saw a pretty blond lady and thought, "boy, what a pretty blond lady she is. Guess she's a customer, or one of the girlfriends/wives of a guy getting his haircut".

Turns out, she was a new employee there. I didn't manage to catch her name, but even though a few other guys were waiting their turn; she asked if I wanted a haircut, and I said yes.

And I got a bit more than I expected.

The first thing I did after telling her all I wanted was a trim; was to zone out on the TV at her station. It was playing an episode of M.A.S.H, which isn't a show I was particularly interested in watching. But, I didn't feel like making conversation either, and so I stared at the screen while she worked.

Then, she asked me how my day was going. Usual chit-chat, and I thought, "okay, looks like a conversation is going to happen regardless" and I told her how I was still adjusting from night shift, and that waking up at 2pm made it feel like my day didn't really start. Wasn't going to tell her about the Dickshark review I wrote earlier. thats for sure.

And from there on, it all went bananas. Full on, with ice cream, strawberries and whipping cream on top. She unloaded on me. All sorts of topics were discussed in the short span of what must have been 15 minutes.

Here is what I learned about her.

She has only been there for a month. Does not watch TV, because she thinks there is propaganda and a lot of negativity. She was in a bad car accident last year, and was born with an extra rib. She loathes the health-care system, and does not believe in a child needing to be put into daycare. She is interested in women taking more of a centre stage, and not having men get all the credit for achieving whatever is important in this world (ie. she brought up some documentary about three women being responsible for the equations developed in order to send a man to the moon in the 60s). And.. what else? Hmm. She only watches Netflix, loves science-fiction, and get this.. loves schlocky b-grade kung fu movies from the 70s with subtitles.

She was a woman after my heart.

And that's not all, either. I think the biggest revelation she dropped, was when she told me about she was abused as a child. Right there in the barbershop, with people within ear shot. I was kind of embarrassed about hearing this confession, even though I appreciated her candor. It was just.. too personal to be telling a random stranger who she known for only a few minutes, isn't it?

And.. huh. It all felt weird. Especially when she described herself as an empath, and it shot in me a moment of recognizance with when Melissa (the bdsm 23 year old) told me that I was an empath as well. We discussed that for a bit, and I reminded her of the importance of self-awareness and self-control as far as managing her sensitivities go. Told her to look into Buddhism. And gave her some other insights here and there, such as how it doesn't really matter who gets elected President of the United States, what matters is the type of people they are surrounded with, etc.

It was a long, crazy, intense discussion. And she missed a spot on the back of my head, so now I have a small clump that is longer than the rest. Ugh. Still though, it was worth it. I'm excited to see her again.

Yeah.. I love these conversations I have with random people. Especially these kinds, where they just treat me like one of their own, and admit to their deepest thoughts and secrets. I always try and be cordial and informative and sympathetic, so its a mutually beneficial synergy that I don't diminish the importance of. Or marginalize or dismiss in any way. Sure, she was probably a crazy chick, but I really appreciated her treating me as a confident. Don't mind that at all. In fact, I wish more people would have the balls to lay out their life and passions and thoughts like she did.

And.. yeah. That was it, basically. The weird feeling persisted after I left, from when I picked up coffee at McDonalds and a pizza sub at Subway, then the liquor store and finally home, to my laptop where I am now, making sure to type all this out so I don't forget any of the details.

The moon out there, felt.. odd. Not odd, odd, but odd in a reassuring way. It was a quarter moon, and hung in the sky by its lonesome, but there was something about it. Just like there was something about this feeling I get of being a fish out of water, and that perhaps the world did change in some subtle way and that perhaps there is something looming that will result in either a good or bad outcome.

I don't know how else to describe these sensations. I am apparently an empath, and putting words to my feelings sometimes seem inadequate. And I don't want to draw any crazy conclusions, either. I want to keep a level head about it all. Impending doom, or forthcoming fortune; whatever will happen, if anything at all, is something I will deal with when it arrives.

And now, time for Netflix. I didn't catch the lady's name, or asked her; but I threw in a recommendation for Black Mirror, since she likes science-fiction. I should probably have warned her that it was somewhat depressing to watch, even though it's absolutely a fascinating glimpse into a possible future for mankind.

Well..

Guess I might watch some Luke Cage.

"The past is the past, and the only direction that matters, is moving forward."

Good show so far.

Sharks.. and dicks

So this movie here,

Is wretched. So bad, that halfway through, I turned to my buddy Justin and said,

"Dude, we're making history here tonight. This is officially the worst movie I've ever seen in my life!"

And I've seen a lot of bad movies in my time, but Dickshark is in a league of its own.

I could hardly watch this "movie" while watching it, so instead, I focused on the intentions and mindset of the director as opposed to what was actually happening on screen. How could anyone make such a piece of shit!? How was it possible?? Not only was it a piece of shit, but it was two hours and twenty-some minutes long! While it was playing, I took it upon myself to carefully scrutinize the box art and to google the director and tossed out random little facts and observations to keep us both entertained, otherwise Justin and I would've formed a suicide pact together, just because of how shitty of a world we live in where something like this could get made.

The budget for this thing was $6,000. It was made in New Jersey. The director.. (gulps) has over 30 films/skits to his credit.

Let's describe the "plot" for a moment. Dickshark is about some guy who has a.. uhm.. dick that looks like a monster, which is what you see in that picture above. It's a terrible, unconvincing prosthetic dildo that doesn't even move, or do much of anything throughout. The movie starts off with this guy trying to have sex with a trashy tatted-up prostitute in a hotel room, and at some point the dick gets removed and flushed down the toilet, in super-slow motion which felt like five minutes. Imagine a shot of a toilet bowl with a prosthetic dick (that looks like a shark) splashing into a bowl, slowly.. sooooo.. slowly...

And then, they flush down some penis enlargement cream, which causes the dick to mutate into larger forms until it eventually becomes an actual "shark". By "mutating" I mean basically, you get increasingly worse prosthetics/paper mache creatures that don't do anything, and have to be thrown at people or manipulated by hand in order to make it seem like it's "alive". This Dickshark then shows up wherever there is water, and tries to fuck random girls.

Sounds kind of funny, right? Well that is why Justin ordered it off of Amazon. We were both expecting a laughably bad b-movie to sit around and drink beers to. Nope. Didn't get that. Dickshark isn't a b-movie, it's a Z movie. It's something so bad, that it will literally shit upon your soul and leave a stain that can't be scrubbed off if you aren't careful about it.

I'm serious. I've seen Glen or Glenda. I've seen "The Time Machine I Found At A Yard Sale". I've seen "Killer Klowns From Outer Space" and "Attack of the Killer Tomatoes".

I've seen all sorts of wretched stuff, I've built up an immunity over the years that I thought I was equipped well-enough to deal with just about anything that gets thrown my way. I've seen, "Gods, Gambling & LSD" in the theatre with two friends, a movie about basically nothing. Just three hours worth of camcorder footage of some guy's vacation to India where nothing interesting happens or is filmed.

But Dickshark.. Man... Dickshark has no redeeming value whatsoever. Even less than Gods & Gambling did.

There are plenty of reasons as to why that is. First off, the dialogue is horrendous. It's nonsensical. It's circular, and repeats itself. It is the most boring form of exposition to hear once again, that there is a dick that looks like a shark and is preying upon nubile young ladies. In super-slow motion of which much of the movie is filmed. As if the director discovered the slow-motion setting on his camera for the first time and is gobsmacked by how "cool" it is.

It's an exploitation piece, sure. To see naked girls (and vaginas) along with bad dialogue, is about par for what a bad b-movie is, right? Wrong. This is exploitation taken to a very disturbing level. The director, Billy Zebub who is also the writer; stars in this thing. A sort of fat dude walking around wearing an Immolation tshirt. Of the five or six women in this movie, I swear, he gropes the boobs of just about every single one of them. Imagine if you will, a heavily tattooed woman on screen with the director's hands coming up from behind her, and squeezing her tits for more than ten minutes at a time. Almost EVERY woman in Dickshark appears to get this treatment. During this boobie interlude, the director goes into his explanation about this Dickshark creature that is "terrorizing" the area.

While cupping his hands and squeezing their boobs.

For over ten minutes a scene.

And, God... it was so soul-destroying. Because the intention of the director was obvious. He didn't care about making anything worthwhile, he just used the movie as an excuse to hire "models" so he could molest them, basically. On screen. For his personal amusement. And if the movie was going to make money, then so be it, but I doubt that was the original plan he had in mind.

My mind is spinning a bit in trying to figure out how to present all of what I was in witness of, but it comes down to a shitty human being making a shitty movie using shitty people under the pretense of "filmmaking". These weren't even hot, good-looking models (maybe with the exception of one, sort-of) that he used; but they were down-on-their-luck New Jersey girls who likely were into drugs, casual sex and had mental issues for agreeing to be in a movie like this.

A six thousand dollar budget likely meant that the director bullshitted his way through so that he wouldn't have to pay them a dime. Or not very much, anyways.

And he got to grope their tits. Mostly in hotel rooms, where much of it was filmed.

(sighs) .. Looking into this guy's filmography, he had a list of dumb titles made in the past. One of them is entitled, "Jesus is a Douchebag" which is basically what it says. A movie about Jesus being a douchebag.

What a piece of shit Bill Zebub is. As a writer. Director. General human being.

One of the things I was in awe of, was how in the hell was he able to get this movie made in the first place. And to have Dave Brockie of Gwar, to be in one of his films.

Justin knows Barry Gillis, who is an insulator that I haven't met that has filmed some wretched movies. "Things" is apparently a "cult" classic at the moment, and Gyngie and I watched "Killing Games" his latest -- shortly after it came out on iTunes, both of us hated it, despite her loving "Things". While watching Dickshark, I knew this was right up Barry's alley. That Bill Zebub would be a kind of kindred spirit/mentor for him.

Birds of feather, flocking together and all that jazz.

I'm actually annoyed that I can't write a better review of this film than I am right now, but it doesn't deserve to be carefully evaluated and reported upon. Justin and I couldn't enjoy it at all, despite the many slow-motion shots of vaginas it had in it, because it all felt so wrong. Think of what getting your mind raped would be like. That's Dickshark. And likely all of Bill Zebub's movies.

At the end of the film, there was an hour-plus long "blooper" reel where the director made "jokes" with one of the "actresses" in a hotel room. It was so obvious he had a hard-on for the girl in question, and the jokes and banter were.. so.. ugh. So.. juvenile. So lacking in wit and self-awareness. It was sad. It was like watching a five-year old boy trying to pick up what he thought was a hot 17-year old girl. And she wasn't even hot! She was like a biker chick. Totally abused and covered in ugly tattoos. There were plenty of slow motion shots of bare asses with zits and creases on them. Really unappealing. No makeup was applied (professionally) and no fucks were given.

Which reminds me, the funniest part of the film was when Justin pointed out a tattoo that one of the girls had. It was a portrait of two of the guys from Mythbusters. It was so random and weird that we laughed in disbelief and tried to guess at what in the hell prompted this girl to get something like that inked on her skin.

Everything in this movie was a huge fail. HUGE fail.

As a connoisseur of so-bad-it's-good bad films; I wouldn't recommend Dickshark to anyone. I can't imagine what kind of human being would actually enjoy watching it (excepting Barry, I suppose). Given that black/death metal music was playing throughout, and that there was a 15 minute thing of the director recommending his favourite metal songs at the end; I suspect this appeals to metalhead losers who do a lot of drugs, enjoy/fantasizes about casual sex, and hates religion/Christianity.

A shitty movie made by a shitty person for shitty people to watch.

That about sums it up. No hyperbole in any of this review. Honest.

I wish I could end this rant with a clever barb or zinger, but I can't even muster the energy to bother. Dickshark doesn't deserve that bit of thoughtfulness on my part.

And this guy is... well, he's something else.

Avoid at all costs. Go rent a porn if you want to see naked hot chicks. I suggest Edward Penishands, if you want bad dialogue and effects. Dickshark can only be enjoyed by people with severe mental and spiritual impairment.

Like Bill Zebub.

I almost feel sorry for him, but not really. He created this and if anything, this film is a reflection of who he is and where his sensibilities lie.

And they lie in dark dark places.

0/10

The Near Side

Picked up this cool thing for fifty bucks yesterday at Costco, it'll pair well with my Calvin & Hobbes box set.

Genius. Absolute genus, that Gary Larson guy. The creativity he managed to put into a single-panel comic for years upon years, day after day, is astounding. We aren't privy to such shows of creativity and passion as much these days, as we were once accustomed to seeing.

And that's unfortunate, but not also completely true. There is still a deep well of creativity and inspired, passionate talent out there doing good work; but it has been growing lopsided, in the favor of perpetuating stories and tales of negativity, in all mediums. Books, music, movies, television shows, magazines.

Game of Thrones is really fascinating to watch at times, particularly the Battle of the Bastards. But then you have the rest of the show, which deals with a lack of respect for life and the very real possibility that there are no heroes in any of this. They will all die. Just to side-step the traditional expectation of a happy or satisfying ending, and instead making the whole thing into a sad, depressing affair. A freak show flying the flag of sadism, attracting the eyes and ears of curious bystanders.

And then, there is something like Stranger Things, which I have just started watching on Netflix last night. And by last night, I mean all night and into the morning. I watched seven episodes of Stranger Things back to back, and so far it has been great. I love the kids. The casting. Particularly the Sheriff; and although the plot and ideas aren't really innovative or ground-breaking, it does pay homage to the Spielberg 80s era and is written in a serial, pulp-fiction style which is pretty much how I've been trying to do my novel.

Always end on a cliffhanger. Or at least give the reader/viewer a reason to turn the page at the end of each chapter. I think that's important. It doesn't have to be negative either, just some sort of revelation or event that makes the reader start to ask questions, and is willing to turn the page or to watch the next episode, in order to have those questions answered. And unlike Lost, Stranger Things does give the viewer a steady stream of clues by which they can predict and explain the plot by. There are no hatches, smoke monsters, or other dumb contrivances that exist for no other reason than to confuse the viewer and trick them into thinking there is an explanation somewhere in all that, like Lost tried to do.

So.. I didn't get to go into detail about how my weekend went, but I'll try and write down as much as I remember.

Saturday, had Isacc, my general foreman at work; calling to tell me that I was laid off and can come by Monday to pick up my tools.

He was nice about it, as was I, and he explained that they only need 14 people and that 31 others were laid off. I was a bit disappointed at the timing, and wished I had an extra week or two of paycheques to ensure I'll have a comfortable winter at home to myself. But it looks like now, I'm going to have to clutch onto my purse strings and manage money as best as I can. There's a lot of uncertainty about how work will look like next year. I may even have to go up North, to Fort Mac. And that would suck.

After that phone call, I felt.. odd. I still felt weird, for having left work at 1030pm the night before and not sure about what to do with myself; but I felt odder still, for knowing I was laid off.

Told Gynger about it, and offered to come pick her up and hang out at my place overnight.

So, we celebrated Halloween early. Watched Nightmare on Elm Street, and this other movie with.. uh, Guilleremo Del Toro. Forgot the name of it, because I didn't think it was remarkable enough to bother remembering (edit: Crimson Peak). Gyngie and I thought the trailer was good, and I ended up having to buy the darn thing since they weren't offering a rental. Paid $8.99 for it. Oh well.

And also, that night, while with Gyngie, I felt.. secure, again. Like I could really be myself, and comfortable with my masculinity. This is what I didn't really get to do with Gina, but was able to do with Gyngie, twice already, in the span of a couple of weeks.

I think I'm getting closer to expressing the essence of who I am. Still making mistakes here and there, but the wrinkles are being ironed out, and I just have to be patient and willing to keep learning.

By gum, I'll be sure to pull this off just yet! (hooks fist)

Sunday.. Hmm. Gyngie stayed over. Had to bail on my mom and Justin, because I needed to drive her back home. Then, as I returned from driving 45 minutes one way and 45 minutes back; I found her cell phone on my coffee table and sighed. I considered driving back there again that evening, but she said it could wait until the next day. On Monday.

Monday arrives.. and.. hmm. The whole day felt weird to me. Like I stepped into a portal where everyone and everything felt different. The Twilight Zone, somehow.

It's hard to explain, but I'll start with the urge I had to visit Humptys before going to work to get my tools. Plus, there was a thick fog when I got up in the afternoon. Very Halloween-y.

So.. Yeah, I've never been to the local Humptys restaurant and thought I'd grab myself a meal. Ended up ordering the beef dip with au jus and a salad. Read a bit of my Mothman Prophecies book while waiting.

The place had about four other people in it, besides myself, so it was quiet and peaceful.

And then, the waiter suddenly took an interest in me. He was this East Indian guy, 34 years old, and he's been working at Humptys for six years now. He also doesn't like his job, lives in an apartment in Clareview and dreams of doing something else.

That's where it hit me. The weirdness. The waiter started off with, "I haven't seen you before. Are you from around here?" and from there, it was question after question about myself. And I had to ask him questions too, to offset the weirdness.

He asked how old I was. Where I lived. How long for. If I was married or had kids.

Lots of personal questions, and most of them were centered on relationships. For instance, he was baffled that I didn't have a wife or girlfriend and then asked about my ethnicity, later suggesting that I should get myself a Polish girl, because Europeans have traditional values.

Not like the women here, he says. And I was in agreement with him for the most part, except when I said, "It's hard finding a good women. Someone who doesn't give up so easily." I had this flash of Gina in my mind after saying it.

And.. well.. That's part of what I'm struggling to understand right now. Is she a good person? Does she give up easily? Can a good person do what she did to me? Could a good person ever find reason enough to justify the way she broke us up?

I don't know. I.. feel like she's a good person, but I really don't know. I don't know if even if we didn't break up, whether or not she's the best girl for me to be with.

But I'd like to think she is.

And to be completely honest; I really don't know if she is as good as it gets. I don't know, because she was impatient and decided breaking up through text was easier than having a conversation about it and having me to alleviate her concerns. She basically never gave me that opportunity to make things right. To really open myself up to her. And I admit, I was terrified of doing so. I didn't want to lose her if I did.

So.. We were both losers.

Anyways.. (harumph) so I get to work, and the mood there is odd. Everyone felt like a robotic version of the people I spent the last month there with. The mood of the place was strange. Muted, I suppose would be the best word to use. It felt like they transformed into lesser beings, somehow.

No light in their eyes. Few smiles. I did get my hand shaken by most of the people there; and got a bit of candy from my ex-foreman, but still. Very muted and strange.

And it was Halloween, so having to go to work bummed me out because I wouldn't be home to hand out candy until later in the night. So, as I was leaving and saw a few kids walking around the neighborhood; there was nobody ringing my doorbell when I got home at 830 and flipped the lights on.

Not a single child came to the door.

And that sucked. That was officially the worst Halloween I've had. No kids. None. And I had candy by the door, and this mask on:

Ready to scare the bejebus out of these kids, and there was not a solitary soul walking around.

Unless a boatload of kids finished trick and treating before 830pm; it sure felt like Halloween was dead that night. And I remember last year, having kids come by all the way up to 11pm.

Such a sad state of affairs. Such an important holiday and tradition to observe too. I mean, what other day of the year is it permissable to go door-to-door asking strangers for candy? Halloween just isn't about candy, it's about getting to know your neighbors and the area you live in. The holiday brings optimism and empathy to children who go door to door and meet the people they share their world with. And know that strangers are capable of kindness, and smiles, and whatever type of person they come across who answers the door while they knock.

Then there's the benefits for us, the people at home. We get to see cute kids all dressed up. We get to say hello to them and put smiles on their faces.

I don't want Halloween to die. I don't want it to be like Christmas, all commercialized and sanitized. It's not Christmas anymore, it's "the holiday season". And that's downright pathetic for a society founded on Christian values to not stand up against the merchants and media who have perpetuated this politically-correct way of being "inoffensive" to other religions and cultures that do not celebrate Christmas, yet live in our country as we do.

Guess what? We aren't offending them. These Christian values are what our country stand for. It's what  America has been founded upon. And yet, we are afraid of our traditions. We have become afraid of the world. We're losing our grip on it.

We just want to stay inside and hide. Or take our kids trick and treating to the mall. Or a parking lot. But certainly not door-to-door. And if we do, definitely not all by their lonesome as we hover in the background, watching with suspicion.

We don't want to say Merry Christmas to any Muslims or people of Asian/Middle-Eastern ethnicity that  we see. Thinking its somehow offensive to bring up the idea of Christ, as being a part of our celebratory rituals.

It's more offensive, to turn our backs on tradition. It's more offensive to NOT turn the light on outside and hand out candy to children. Because, we are contributing to the erosion of our values and culture. We are denying the joy of our upbringings, which involved going door-to-door and getting candy from people and later bragging about how much we got, or how so-and-so's house was handing out full candy bars, and that so-and-so was nice or mean, or creepy, or whatever. We deny that bit of exploration to our children, and then we further deny it by not choosing to honor that tradition and give it the importance it deserves.

It really makes me mad, actually. I can see how its all falling apart. Less houses handing out candy = more reason for children not to bother going door-to-door = less reason to celebrate Halloween = less reason for this to be an appealing tradition to pass onto the offspring of the next-generation.

It just goes on and on. Spiraling downwards. I see the writing on the wall already.

But, it's not completely dead yet. There are still people who deck out their houses in tombstones and pumpkins and spiderwebs, and Christmas lights and decorations. God bless them. Even if no one shows up on Halloween, or if no other house on the block has Christmas lights up; then they are still rewarded for their effort. Their own pride, as well as the inspiration their actions bring to those that pass by their homes. Seeing these decorations in place and knowing that at least one person, still cares about tradition.

It's a battle, I tell you. Trying to keep conservative values going, because few people understand just how important these things actually are. And how these values and traditions are responsible for a stable and safe, and optimistic and loving society. They fail to understand how traditions and rituals can bring us altogether. To unite us. To show that we aren't so different. That we believe in the same core principles.

Unfortunately, we don't seem to be going into that direction, for a variety of possible reasons.

Immigration for one. Immigrants who don't wish to assimilate into our culture, to speak our language, to celebrate and respect our holidays and traditions.

Other reasons can involve fear, or a lack of respect, or a loss of faith; where Christian holidays are looked upon with disapproval. This sort of behavior is on the rise, too.

Then, there's the negative stereotypes that the internet and the media has fostered. Their lack of social responsibility and awareness.

Anyways.. I'm sure I haven't covered everything that happened this weekend. I know I haven't.

Gyngie taught me something new about myself. Apparently I'm too critical of things.

But when you have a kitchen like this:

A filthy mess with fruit flies buzzing around, opened cans of food, pots that look like they've been sitting in the sink for weeks and...

Man.. try biting your tongue and not being critical of any of that. I've tried, and I still can't help but express disgust every once in a while at her situation.

But, she has to be reminded of how disgusting it is. Because no one else is telling her. I'm not going to grow "comfortable" with walking around a place that hasn't been vaccumed in months, for whatever reason or excuse she drums up. I don't care if her vacuum is broken. Not when a lot of other stuff, like that kitchen is the way it is. Opened cabinets. Crap laying all over the place.

There was a point where she told me, "you are not allowed to go into the kitchen" with a sternness in her voice. She really would rather I not notice any of this, than for her to go through the effort of cleaning it up and improving her quality of life in the process. Instead, she just wants me to be comfortable and to ignore everything that is wrong.

Not going to buy it. Nope. I'm going to express disgust if it overwhelms me, and is deserving of criticism, because this is not how people are supposed to live. In filth and squalor and playing Destiny for ten plus hours a day, among other games and YouTube/Netflix, etc. Throwing what little money they have away, on dumb shit that they don't need and doesn't make them happy.

That's not living, and I shouldn't be made afraid to state my feelings to her on the subject.

Well...

Damn.. I need some sleep and I'm angry and tired and saddened all at once.

Thrift store today. Twice But Nice. I love seeing the old red-headed lady there. She's such a sweetheart and I enjoy making her smile. Haven't been there in a while either and I need to drop off some stuff.

Looks like I'm back to being unemployed. Let's hope I make the most of my free time for however long it will be.

So far, so good.

Dickshark review forthcoming.

The New Normal

Well, made it to my laptop and now I have to figure out how to condense.. four days worth of posts into one.

Maybe I'll do another, just to make sure I covered everything.

Friday, so.. Going to work as usual ended up becoming an unexpected surprise as we showed up and was told to stay in the lunchroom, since they weren't allowing us into Unit 24, where we were working.

Of course, the rumor mill began to churn even before the shift started.

"Are we getting laid off? Are they sending us home? Day shift got sent home, the job is almost done.."

Etc.

So we sat in the lunchroom for a bit, until the foremen came in and explained the situation to everyone.

Seems that they were going to send us home early, much to the jubilation of all of us who have been burnt out working 12 hour shifts and 7 days straight. But, that's not all! It was changed so that the plant would only need 14 people instead of the 40+ we had there, for standby reasons. Only for a week or so.

Again, more happy people, as it meant a week off. And with the way they described it, they would only need four people for one 12 hour shift next week. For one day. So, Monday would be 4 people, Tuesday would be a different set of 4, and so on.

We drew names from a hat (my hat) and I was relieved to find that I wasn't chosen. That meant at least a week off, baby!

So I got home at around 11, and immediately I felt odd about being there. What do I do now? Watch TV? A movie? Read a book? Listen to music, or a podcast? I was overwhelmed by the possibilities of having the rest of the night off, and decided smoking a bowl while sitting in the bathtub was the first order of business I should be doing.

So I did. Check out how awesome the bathroom looks with these fake remote-controlled candles I got a month ago:

Hmph. It looks better in person than it does in those photos. Still, though. It was a nice ambience and exactly what I needed.

On my phone, I tapped out a "blurb" regarding Georgina. Yeah.. sitting in the tub, stoned and thinking about us resulted in the birth of this monstrosity here. Be warned, it's long and whiny and I don't see much value for anyone other than myself to be reading it.

"Our relationship had its good moments, and it also had these great and beautiful moments as well. It was really something to be living in love and anticipation of each new day, so that we would each be closer and nearing each other to when we would next meet. 

That anticipation.. Man, I miss that so much. It felt as if I was finally alive in this world, and following my way to a happy life, while holding the hand of the woman I was with. 

We had beautiful moments. Many of them. 

So, no. I don't think this should have been worth giving up on, no matter what I may have done, or what she was experiencing at the time. 

We weren't meant to end this all in such sadness and despair. 

I don't want it to end like that. 

But, she did, and has casted me away. 

For whatever perceived reasons she had, whether or not they were false and ill-informed shouldn't even matter. 

She is responsible. As am I, but I did not have the opportunity to be given a fair chance to really speak from my heart. I didn't want to burden her with my struggles. 

But, maybe that is exactly me missing the point. Maybe I should have confessed my vulnerabilities early on, and not so late in the relationship. Maybe I should have told her what my concerns and problems were.

Because, it wouldn't have made me into a coward, had I allowed her to see deep inside my soul. I couldn't offer that level of connection that she appeared to have wanted from me. At least, I couldn't offer her my heart so early in my having to know someone enough to be able to trust them with knowing how I became the man I am. 

There's some deep wounds left on me, and the best healing is a patient and loving heart. One that speaks how it actually feels, so that I may bungle somehow in trying to ease whatever she is concerned about. That's what people in love have to be. Honest. Trusting. Patient. Grateful. Understanding. 

Can't have a good relationship with anyone who doesn't bring those qualities to the table, and swears an oath to uphold the principles and rules of two people being in love. That unspoken understanding between a new couple embarking on a journey together. 

'I promise, never to do you wrong.' is what both people subliminally agree towards. And yet, as the relationship progresses; challenges present themselves, and the true loser of the situation is the person who gave up on something of great potential. No matter how brief or long the interval of suddenly not having feelings for someone you once expressed great love and hope towards. That's the responsible party. The one who gave up and nailed the door shut, without allowing their partner to speak candidly and inform with gruelling honesty; the exact reasons why a beautiful thing could be so swiftly discarded. 

It baffles me thinking about it. Sometimes I feel sympathy, but most of the time I don't. 

She made that decision, and I have to live with it. And so does she. For the better or worse of her judgement. 

'It's not all my fault,' is the only platitude I can comfort myself with. 

She gave up. Not me. 

And she knows now, how much I never wanted to give up. 

And still, my heartfelt expressions were met with having my email and texts ignored. 

.. It feels like I'm an idiot for nor knowing what reason was there, for her to have to end it like this. What reason could possibly have been good enough, if she didn't at least try to communicate the depths of her soul to me first. I don't know why she couldn't have expressed her feelings towards me in clear, unmistakable words. So that I would know that I'd have to rise to the occasion, and demonstrate my commitment to her, by doing whatever I can to make her life easier and more pleasant. 

She didn't ever complain to me. And while she did say she was stressed; she only described the reasons in a matter of fact way, in the least urgent of tones. I'm not a mind reader. She should know that I need more to work off of to know that there is a problem that has to be solved.

And I'm a good man, and capable of being the one she most desired, when we first met. 

I'm still the same as I was in the beginning. 

But I do need to know exactly what troubles my partner, as I deal with troubles of my own. 

I didn't ever think that my troubles would reach a point where I would abandon my partner, in the worst possible way imaginable. 

Through text. And then ignoring their pleas. 

How cruel is that? How can that ever be rationalized as acceptable behavior? 

What kind of a person would do that to someone? Especially after all of our wonderful moments together? 

My dad passed away. I was struggling at work. I couldn't burden anyone who is also suffering from burdens themselves. 

Not to call her children "burdens", but honest challenges, for a single mother to be dealing with. I'm sure it was difficult. And still is. 

It was them or me. And I can understand this type of choice being made. 

But I can't understand why she didn't give me a face to face breakup. To become courageous herself, and give me the chance to speak freely and with complete honesty. 

Because that is something only a good person does, if they have the slightest suspicion that their partner might not be able to recover from the potential of sinking into heartache and despair. 

A good person holds your hand, as you die. They do not leave the room early, leaving you trapped with a ticking bomb that they smuggled inside without your knowing, and having to feel the fear of great uncertainty about the future. And abandoning them to their own devices. 

That's not how a good person should be. To tuck tail and run. A good person should know early on, whether or not their partner is a good person as well. And worth being and building a future with. And treating with respect and appreciative of the past moments that were shared. 

A good person.. (sighs) 

I have to think about this more. 

Done.

Long story short; she needed rescuing, and I wasn't brave enough to try. But she didn't determine if that was true or not. Whether I was able to do what she wanted. She didn't give me a clear plea that she needed help. She wouldn't ask for such a thing. 

But, why? Why wouldn't she speak up and give me the chance to try? 

Unless she lost faith in me. 

And I have already rectified most of the causes behind such a conclusion. My blog is proof of the hard effort and work I put in, to try and be as honourable and brave I can be. To be the best man I can be, and to constantly aspire towards it. No matter how much I struggle. 

That's why I sent her a link to this blog, to prove her assumptions wrong. 

I am capable of much more than she has realized. I haven't shared enough of myself for her to really know. And I guess, that's part of the blame I have to shoulder, but being emotionally wary about a new relationship - - especially since I told her how bad my luck with dating was - - should have been expected of me. I made that clear to her, how painful my past was. I at least gave her a strong hint about it. 

I just can't completely open myself up to someone, that I don't know very well. 

I need to really trust them. And while Gina and I had times where I really believed in trusting her, I didn't feel the need to tell her in explicit detail, all the pain I've experienced in my past. 

It takes time for me to feel comfortable enough to do so. And still, I would not speak of everything that is etched upon my soul. I haven't ever found someone I would want to do that with. 

Yet. 

(sighs) she was a worthy one, though. Had she been patient enough, I might have surprised her in an unexpected and pleasant way. 

I have already overcome adversity. I still am at war with it, and I have not ceased fighting. 

So, that's courage right there. The blue collar guy who laces up his work boots and forces himself out the door, to a job he dislikes doing. 

And it's courage, to still try and keep a smile on my face and to make the most of my situation, and not let everyone at work know how defeated I can sometimes feel. But still able to place one foot in front of the other, and earning the respect of my colleagues for doing so. 

That's bravery right there. I don't even have to mention my hearing problems either, for my situation to be challenging enough for the average person to avoid facing. 

Most people might not have lasted as long as I did. They would've given up. Killed themselves. They would've grow bitter and resentful and suspicious and angry and soulless. 

I refuse to give up. I refuse to stop hoping for a miracle. 

Because I do my best to live in and to be in honour of Truth. As all men should aspire towards. To become champions of their lives, and masters of their fate. No matter how difficult and overwhelming it all can sometimes be. 

I refuse to call it a day. 

I'm going to push myself forward. 

Once I charge myself back up. 

And when I do, look out. 

I'm going to make it. 

With my heart and soul, in one piece and my dignity intact. 

I can do it. 

And I have no other choice but to try. 

So, here goes nothing."

Rough stuff. The depths I sink to sometimes... but yeah. I had to type that out. It wasn't anything I mulled about either. It just.. happened and my phone was right there with me, so..

It hasn't been a fun past couple of months. Without her, I feel.. empty, really. I feel empty and trying to fill that emptiness with my writing, and in trying to keep a smile on my face each and every day I wake up to.

Life ain't easy, son. No matter how much I want it to be, there's always something that gets in the way to remind me of this fact. Whether it's money, relationships, my novel, my hearing, the defects in my character that I want to correct. There's always a challenge to face. Always something to work on and improve.

It's never enough, sometimes. No matter how hard I try.

Anyways..

I then played Battlefront the rest of the night and felt like a complete loser by the end of it. Although I haven't played video games in weeks, it still felt like a giant waste of time. I reasoned I had to get gaming out of my system and that I would still be able make productive use of my time off coming up.

So that was Friday. Then Saturday had Gyngie coming by.

I'll write up another post later.

It's Costco time.

Patience

Phew. Lots to post about these past few days, but I haven't been in a posting mood or have had the time to update. At this moment, I'm on Gyngie's couch trying to fall asleep with Bob Ross doing a painting tutorial of a cloudy mountain top. It's not really helping.

Later tonight, Justin is coming by.

I'm going to post a few lines of gibberish here, so as to remind me what to expand upon once I get the chance.

Friday - early work, confusion, bathtub, blurb on phone
Saturday - Issac. Gyngie. Movies. Authenticity.
Sunday - Gyngie. Mom. Justin.
Monday - work. Halloween. Weird. Humpty's. Gyngie criticism. Sweeney Todd. Guitar.

Hmph. Three days of Gyngie exposure. Haven't planned on that.

Shoot. I really feel guilty about not having updated lately. Feels like some useful insights might have gotten lost in the shuffle of all that's been going on. I'm sure to have forgotten a few things I would've liked to report on. Oh well.

I'll get to posting a meaty update soon as I square a few things away.

(yawns) now Bob is painting a lake with a forest next to it.

I miss that guy. There's nothing at all like him or his show on tv anymore.

Television programming today is not what it once was. No Mr Dressup. Mr Rogers. Friendly Giant. Inspector Gadget. He-man.

Times have changed.

History still lives on.

And I'm too tired to rant.

ZzzZzzzz

Crash Into Me

Well, another one in.. (checks knapsack) yes, another 12 hour shift is in the bag.

It was an alright night. Can't complain about anything really. Except for the insufferable boredom I was feeling towards the end of it.

Mm, no real highlight either. Except I guess for the bit of conversation I had with Hassan, who is a Somalian immigrant 1st-year apprentice. It was interesting getting into a debate with him on "Allah" and the Muslim point of view on several issues. I especially liked the part where he confessed to me that he wipes his penis with a paper towel after peeing. So that explains why he takes so long in the bathroom. He also seemed highly interested in some of the women I've dated. Especially the one-night stands I was involved in. Apparently it's a big deal to meet someone off the internet and have sex with them.

"Do you kiss them?" He asks.

"No, not usually," I responded. "I kind of have to love someone to want to kiss them."

And I realize how strange it is, that I'm okay with being physically intimate with a woman, but not emotionally. For me, kissing is more cerebral than anything else. Unless there is some serious physical attraction involved.

Hmm. Thinking of her and our kisses. They weren't the greatest. I guess I should've.. pursued them more, or something.

And.. hmph. Being stressed wasn't the reason she broke up with me. I'm sure it was part of it, but it's not the full picture of why it happened. I know this, because of the phone conversation we had, where she was hostile and adamant about being alone to raise her kids.

Wanting nothing more to do with me.

Despite my.. blubbering pleas for her to consider otherwise.

(sighs)

I also thought about what I wrote yesterday. I'm not a coward. Not all of the time, anyways. I've had several moments of bravery, but I do confess to not being able to consistently stand up for myself and against injustice. I sometimes see the effort of doing so, not worth popping a vein in my forehead over. It takes a lot to get me angry, and it takes even more, for me to do something about it.

Mm. My stepdad with the knife. Driving my car into the ditch (long story), confronting Sadie, 8-minute date, first online date, standing up to a dickhead of a foreman once, oh.. twice, counting the one this year.

I've had my moments. Been courageous when I needed courage the most.

Guess I overlooked the courage that Gina needed of me. The courage to throw my heart in, 100% and meet her family, etc.

Still though, I can't say I could have done anything differently at the time. There was no reason for me to change. No lead up to our relationship ending. No conversation really, about what our boundaries are and what we need from each other.

Well.. Can't cry about it. Although I have. Many times already.

I still shouldn't cry over it, though. I'm better than that. But then again, she's..

Worth crying over.

Yup. Although a part of me is bothered at how it all ended, and is intensely suspicious of the circumstances and angry at her for denying me real closure; I still feel for her. I still feel she's worth fighting for.

But, hrmph. As repeated again and again, I have little idea on how I can win this battle.

Reading our conversations.. well, stuff like this makes me want to print out the whole thing and mail it to her with a note saying, "We belong together" or something similar, like "This is not worth breaking up over". I don't know. My heart has been quiet lately, and I'm not sure what to make of it.

This would've been the week I'd have left her those scarecrows, and with it being Friday, I pretty much blew my chances on doing that. Not going to happen now for sure, despite how good of an idea I once thought it to be.

Now, it's the Christmas gift idea that's floating through my mind.

(sighs)

I don't know how I'll feel by then. I haven't.. Stopped thinking about her, but it's.. it feels..

I don't want to say the word hopeless, because it's not.

I believe love conquers all, and I have to go where my heart takes me. Eventually it will find what it's looking for. With her, or with someone else.

A guy in the smoke pit today, told me about how he met his girlfriend.

"Through Tinder!" he says, even though I raised my eyebrow in suspicion and told him about how much I disliked that service.

Seems to work for some people, I suppose. Serious relationships can come out of these places.

Odd as it is.

Mm. I'm wondering if closing my dating accounts is a good idea, but yeah, right now it is. I'm too busy working. Even if I met someone, I'd still have to figure out how to schedule a date. And then to see her, if things should happen to go well.

Eh. I don't even care, really. Part of me wants to meet someone new, another part doesn't. The other part already knows who it wants to be with.

Saw Gio this morning, he's on day shift, and remembered him and his girlfriend from back when I worked at the mod yard earlier this year.

I asked him how's it going with her, and he said she broke up with him. Said he was initially heart broken, but is now dating four different girls and things are going well.

Good for him. We bantered a bit about video games, which I couldn't really get into since I haven't touched anything in weeks. He was pretty happy with the new 4K TV he picked up. I gave him a suggestion to look into a Dolby Atmos receiver and speakers, which is the next-generation of home theatre sound.

(yawns) I'm bored. This post is boring. Laying in bed, almost about to pass out.

Time to liven things up. Copy/paste text time!

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I wish you were here right now...

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Phew. Well... Harumph. You're not thinking of me touching you right now are you?

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Me: Oh baby doll...

[2016-04-15 10:31 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Now I am!

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: (Exhale)

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: And surely you aren't thinking of my tongue being anywhere it shouldn't be, are you?

[2016-04-15 10:32 PM]
Me: (insert dramatic pause)

[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let the lip biting commence...

[2016-04-15 10:33 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: 6 hours you say???

[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Me: Well, six hours for special occasions let's say. Like Hanukkah.

[2016-04-15 10:34 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Or Sunday?

[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Me: I thought you wanted to go out? 😀

[2016-04-15 10:35 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Just shy over two weeks till my birthday.  And I do like to extend the celebration. 😆

[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh David...

[2016-04-15 10:37 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Out shmout.

[2016-04-15 10:40 PM]
Me: I know. I'm still thinking about what to plan for it. Which day does it fall on?

Well...(sighs) maybe next weekend is better for going out, since I'll have you here overnight...

[2016-04-15 10:41 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: You don't have to plan anything for it. ☺ it's on a Monday.

[2016-04-15 10:42 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Hmmmmm mmmmm mm

[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Overnights are my favorite nights...

[2016-04-15 10:43 PM]
Me: So the weekend before, then. Hrmm. Of course I have to plan for it. Where's the fun in not celebrating the occasion?

Do you like it more at your place or mine?

[2016-04-15 10:46 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Oh I'm not saying not to celebrate, I love celebrating my birthday, I'm just saying you don't have to , as in I don't want you to go through any trouble. Just seeing you and spending time with you would be enough. 😊

[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: As for which place,  both have their advantages, but I do like being at your place, you make me feel comfortable there. 😙

[2016-04-15 10:47 PM]
Me: Oh, Georgina...

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Yes...

[2016-04-15 10:48 PM]
Me: 😙😚😘

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Right back atcha!  😙😙😙

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Let's go back to your tongue...

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Col

[2016-04-15 10:49 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Mmmm

[2016-04-15 10:51 PM]
Me: What's my tongue supposed to be doing?

[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Me: Hehe

[2016-04-15 10:54 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Where exactly are the places it "shouldn't be"?

[2016-04-15 10:55 PM]
Me: I think you would know those places quite well, Georgina.

[2016-04-15 10:56 PM]
Me: On frozen poles, obviously 😆

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: But of course! And that leaves so many places it *should* be
😉

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Like on my neck...

[2016-04-15 10:57 PM]
Me: Mmm

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: In my mouth...

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Me: Hrmmm

[2016-04-15 10:58 PM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: By my collarbone...

Yeah.. I don't think I'm going to copy/paste anything on here from her anymore. At least the texts. It's just.. too personal. I only wanted to memorialize the attraction we once felt for each other. It's important to remind myself of how she once felt towards me.

And I, to her.

(sighs)

Can't do anything about this.

I don't get it.

I don't get why we broke up.

And I sort of do.

But I don't.

And..

I'd do anything for us to go back to the way we were.

Time to sleep.

Read a bit of James Allen, and its interesting how much of a Buddhist influence his writings have. I like it. I'm looking forward to devouring his work and seeing if his philosophy would be a good fit for me.

But.. that's for when I get laid off, and so far, the rumors are saying it might happen as soon as next week. So, we'll see.

Invited Gyngie over to help hand out Halloween candies with me on Monday. She's undecided, so we'll see about that as well.

Two more nights of work, and then Sunday/Monday off.

(yawns)

So tired.

Gotta go.

Oh, and I lost more than twenty pounds in the past few months.

Yup. 168. Gone down from size 36 pants to 32, with a chance of maybe squeezing into 30s.

Crazy. I haven't weighed below 170 since my teens, I don't think. Used to weigh 200 just a short while ago.

Hmm.

Interesting what a broken heart can do.

Zzz...

Dancing With Myself

I decided to take a peek at the weeks preceding June 23rd, the day she officially broke up by sending me this:



[2016-06-23 6:24 PM] Carolyn Georgina Clayton:
David, I have to do one of the hardest things I've ever had to do... I've been struggling with this and I know this is going to blindside you, and for that I am so sorry, but I can't continue seeing you anymore.
I thought I was ready to date again and be in someone's life and have someone be in mine, but I'm not. I know this will not make sense to you and will probably leave you hurt and confused, and for that I am sorry, but I feel that this is for the best.

I don't want to hurt you, but I can't continue being part of something where my heart is not fully committed, it would be unfair to both of us.

My life is complicated and very stressful right now and I feel I am spreading myself too thin and not being the best I can be in any aspect.

You truly are a wonderful person and I hope you find someone who is deserving of everything that you have to offer, and will be able to give you everything you need in return, I just can't be that person.
I hope you can understand why I have to do this and I hope you can find a way to let me go. I also hope you can also eventually find a way to forgive me. I am so very sorry David.

=======

And the weird part? We were joking and being silly only a week before, seemingly in the best of moods.

It really was all of a sudden.

She really was stressed.

But.. Did I help contribute to that? I certainly didn't seem to ease it enough for her, especially when I should have. But I don't know. I didn't mean to be stressful to be with, or not being someone to ease stress with.

Maybe.. she really was spreading herself too thin? Should I actually believe those reasons? I just assumed it was a polite brush-off. A way of telling a white lie, in order to make me feel better.

Maybe this really was the reason. She was stressed, and I've been hearing about it for the weeks prior, too.

So, she was stressed.

I should have taken her seriously, but I didn't. For some stupid reason I didn't. I carried on like I did, not really attempting to cheer her up, or to delight her somehow. To treat her as an object of adoration. To kiss and ravish from the inside and out.

I should have seen this opportunity, the moment it presented itself. But I was oblivious. Dealing with my own stresses at work.  Still not willing to be completely vulnerable with her. Taking her for granted, due to how stressed I was, when it should have been the complete opposite.

I should have held onto her tightly, and told her that everything was going to be alright.

God.. I'm such a fool for not having seen this before. Such a fool.

Instead, I kept my distance when she needed me most.

And, when I needed her most.

It.. I guess this might be an explanation for why it happened.

The explanation.

A mystery having been solved.

But it's still only a piece of the puzzle. Knowing "why" it ended, is not the same as knowing "how" it ended. They are each different things. A why offers an immediate explanation, while the "how" goes into greater detail about how the conclusion was made, of the "why".

I still am thinking about the "how", how it all managed to end the way it did.

To me, the why almost doesn't matter, but here it is. This could actually be the best explanation.

But, I did contribute to it all ending. I had to have. So, did I do a bad job of being her boyfriend? By mistake?

I really think I did.

And.. it was worth breaking up over? She saw no hope for us on the horizon?

I guess so. That really says a lot about her lack of faith. And it stings as a form of rejection against me.

Apparently, I wasn't one to help solve her problems with, even if we had a heart-to-heart talk about it in person. She apparently didn't think I could offer her the comfort and sympathy that she needed.

Well.. that depresses me, if she would actually have thought that.

Because.. I would have loved to be a shoulder to cry on. For her. And to have her do the same for me.

But we didn't live together. We only saw each other on weekends whenever she didn't have the kids.

I couldn't be there for her, when she most needed it. All I did was text, and talk over the phone with her once or twice a week.

I couldn't physically be there. I couldn't emotionally be there maybe, either. Given how I was still keeping my heart guarded against the possibility of the relationship going sour. I could not be brave enough to have gone over to her place, with her kids awake and knowing who I am. And meeting them for the first time, that way. But.. had I met her kids earlier, I could have physically driven over and comfort her. The kids would know me by then. We would all be at ease.

Maybe had I not been such a coward, I could have stayed overnight at her place a few times and driven to work from there. Maybe I would've had my own key, had I managed to establish myself fully into her life, and formed relationships with her family and friends.

Jeez. I suck.

I suck. I was such a coward. No wonder.. No wonder she...

(sighs)

A coward.

I'm not liking this uncomfortable conclusion, but there it is.

Makes sense.

Who can respect a coward? Someone who fails to rise to the occasion? Who is terrified of meeting her family?

Wow.

God, am I a stupid motherfucker.

Is there even a way to come back from this? How can I possibly win her confidence in me again, if this is the reason for us breaking up?

How can I convince her that I love her, I'm no longer a coward, and I'm ready to laugh and live a life with her? How can I communicate those things, without being intrusive and unwelcome?

Wow.. What a puzzle this is. Now it's a matter of checking over my character, to ensure that I don't have much or any of the flaws in me to make the same mistakes again. I have to make sure that she can always count on me to be there for her.

But... wow. That is no picnic. There is nothing easy about figuring this one out.

Telling her that I love her, had no effect. No matter how sincere my final email to her was.

So. She really saw something in me that she didn't like. And it could be cowardice, or it could be also that and something else. I don't know yet, but I'm not looking forward to finding out what it might be.

I don't know if I should bother investigating all this in my head. It's not worth the effort, I don't think. But if I'm serious about fixing what was once broken; then I have to consider all possible defects. I can't just fix one, and call it a day when it could be a few other things as well.

Man.. I know nobody is perfect, but apparently there is something gravely imperfect about me.

This is tough. I'd have to make sure I become something that is undoubtedly much more than I once was. I'd have to become principled, honorable, truthful, grateful and in love with life. And to be able to be all that, while under the stress of my employment.

God, that's such a tough ask. I'm an introvert, and I value my alone time. I crave it. Working at my job doesn't give me the satisfaction of letting my thoughts wander, like they need to. Instead, my introversion is only (somewhat) satisfied by writing, and during my days off. My battery gets charged a little when I'm writing, and on my days off, I get refreshed quite a bit, but still not all the way through.

Trying to live a principled life in the way James Allen proposes, under MY conditions, is almost unreasonable. Impossible. I'd love to live in the way he suggests, but he is not alone and has lost the love of his life. He has found her. And he is not stressing about money. He retired at 38.

So, he hasn't had to deal with what I am presently dealing with. My scenario is much more challenging than anything Allen has faced in the past. Such as the problems I have with hearing correctly. Or the job that I loathe, but keep having to do. I mean, these are real issues that have to be dealt with before any fanciful personal development is desired to happen. I need to take care of my finances, first. I need to work. The reason why I owe 23 grand on my line of credit, is because I can't bring myself to work the whole year. I just haven't done it. Instead, I'm content to live off of 50k per year, rather than pursuing the means to make much more.

Hmm. That's how important free time is to me. I'm willing to give up that much, in order to secure it.

I'll use credit cards and my line of credit if I have to prolong going back to work. Whatever my soul absolutely requires. If it feels like three months is the right amount of time to be taking off; then it gets three months. No matter what.

Kind of have to listen to myself when it comes to these things. My body and mind seem almost incapable of being at the top of their operating potential. They're just brittle, broken things that shuffle along like a zombie. I kind of sell my soul, whenever I go to work. And that's exactly how it feels like, slavery. And yet, I get paid quite a bit of money for doing this. Thankfully, so. As I could never have as much free time as I have, had it not been for the great wages.

Anyways.. Looks like a few interesting ideas have surfaced after reading our conversations. Too bad I won't have the needed amount of time to really chew on these thoughts. Not until I'm laid off. I just need time to think without interruptions.

Well.. Guess it's bed time now. Looks like I learned something new, in a surprisingly (bleak) way.

I'm a chicken shit, and that's why Georgina broke up with me.

I don't see how I can convince her otherwise.

It might not even be possible.

Except, I'm too stupid to be thinking about how impossible it may be. And instead, I'm going to consider the possible ways of achieving my goal. No matter how ludicrous the suggestions; I will give equal weight to all of the ideas that will go through my head.

Then, I'll pick something out. Eventually, I think. And run with it as far as I can go.

Maybe I should start with fixing myself, before anything else. I need to make myself into someone worthwhile, if I didn't appear that way to her towards the end.

Hmm.

(searches self)

This could take a while.

Needs More Cowbell

Everyone gather around! It's copy/paste text time!


[2016-03-10 6:32 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Good morning to you and your furry counterparts. :)

Hope everyone is behaving themselves and you weren't woken up to cats trying to claw at your soul or a fluffy butt in your face. ;)

[2016-03-10 6:50 AM]
Me: I did get the fluffy butt in my face. How did you know that? Sounds like you picked up a few things from that psychic.

Good morning Gena ;)

[2016-03-10 6:56 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: That's Jeena to you! :P

[2016-03-10 6:59 AM]
Me: Sorry Sheena

[2016-03-10 7:02 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: You just can't get it right! Try She-ra. They call me She-ra Princess of Power.

[2016-03-10 7:04 AM]
Me: I can only call you that if you wear the outfit. Ahem. Eh? Eh?

[2016-03-10 7:04 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Want to be my He-Man? *wink* * wink*

[2016-03-10 7:05 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I only wear it for He-Man.

[2016-03-10 7:05 AM]
Me: Sadly I don't have the abs to be He-Man :(

[2016-03-10 7:07 AM]
Me: https://youtu.be/ZZ5LpwO-An4

[2016-03-10 7:11 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I'll just call you Prince Adam... you already have 3 battle cats. - har de har har.

[2016-03-10 7:13 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: He's got some pretty sweet moves to go with that wicked sound. :)

[2016-03-10 7:18 AM]
Me: Hehe. Alright. You can be the sheath for my sword then. The power of Greyskull compells you!

[2016-03-10 7:29 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: I can't wait to feel the power of your sword.

[2016-03-10 7:48 AM]
Me: Mmmm. Hrmph.

[2016-03-10 7:49 AM]
Me: (checks calendar) yep, it's only Thursday

[2016-03-10 7:55 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: 1 day closer to Sunday... that's my fun day. ;)

[2016-03-10 8:28 AM]
Me: Heh. On the following maniac Monday, you might find yourself walking like an Egyptian ;)

[2016-03-10 8:44 AM]
Carolyn Georgina Clayton: Something That You Said makes me Want You, In Your Room...

but I'm a Complicated Girl....

Now I have to get back to The Real World, I can't think about Walking Down Your Street in A Hazy Shade of Winter to make me Sweet Dreams Come True...

====================

(sighs) Isn't that something? Beautiful. When I read this excerpt in bed, I felt this rush to run over to the blog and post about it. I had this big sigh leave my lips after reading that one page.

Just so beautiful.

Granted, those texts had us together for only about three weeks after we first met; so it is the honeymoon phase. However, eventually when I start to really read our transcript, I'll be sure to report back on how it was going four-months in, and then fifth; the final one. I'm curious to see if I can discover anything obvious during the later stages of our relationship. There might be a cause, somewhere. Or something I've overlooked or started doing. Hmm. Don't know yet. Not enough time in a day to find out.

Off to sleep with my newest playlist going.

That girl I tell you... (sighs)

Am I right?