"Write the things which thou hast seen, and the things which are and the things which shall be hereafter." -The Revelation of St. John, i, 19
That above quote comes from the introduction written by Joseph Stoudt in the book I am reading now, entitled, "Jacob Boehme: His Life and Thought".
Prescient, once again, as I am taking that quote as a form of encouragement towards keeping my blog updated. Thank you St. John, a tip of the hat to you mate.
Step into the Sunshine is playing on my headphones, and that means Gina's cd is on. It also means that I'm again, in my dark basement with a flickering candle (mm, coconut & lime smells) but with a cup of coffee this time, as I am going to try and stay a little bit more late each evening until I'm ready to start night shift in six days.
Well, I got back from a date with a 28 year old named "Misty". Yes, it did not go well. Not that I expected it to, but I was surprised at how "not well" it actually went. It went so "not well" that as soon as the date was over, I found my mind spinning and knew I had to get over to my blog and start writing stuff down.
But, what about? I'm still not sure yet. I pride myself on learning something new with each person I go on a date with. I always learn something useful, and I've taken going on "dates" as kind of like going on a scavenger hunt. I'm looking for something, but I'm never sure what it is unless I pay close attention to everything that's going on, and take my time examining all of the pieces I collected afterwards.
Tonight, was the first time in years since I dated that crazy loud-mouthed bartender from Whyte Ave, that I found myself appalled at the "pieces" I've collected, and have no idea what to make of the puzzle I'm trying to assemble.
The puzzle pieces comes in the form of something either of us says in conversation; clues can be found in body language, and my own personal reaction to whatever is going on that I didn't expect to have. Some women show me a window into a new type of world with their peculiar ideologies and odd neuroses and quirks of having a unique life that I wasn't previously educated or familiar with before. All these bits of "evidence" are hoovered up by me, so that I can parse it all later and patch it into my grand tapestry of learned experiences that have made me into a better, more wiser human being.
Yeah, I also smoked a bit of weed before writing this post. It already feels strange writing about all this.
So, back to Misty, who I just came home from seeing.
Dear God. What was I to learn from her?
She's 28 years old. Is a line cook at a restaurant, and has been cooking professionally for 12 years now, according to her. She has a one-year old son named Marshall, from a FWB relationship she has been in for 9 years.
Let that sink in a bit.
She got pregnant with a guy that she's been having casual sex for nine years now. Just sex. She doesn't want a "relationship" although it seems that the guy does.
Already messed up.
Not only is she a single mom with a year old baby, but she doesn't have a car. Not a big deal, but she also never had her driver's license either.
And there was trouble, the second she told me all this much later in the conversation we had going on OkCupid.
"I don't have a car."
and later,
"I have a hard time getting a sitter."
Then it was,
"I live in a house with my family. For now."
And so it goes. All these bombs in the very end of the conversation, where I invited her to come meet up with me.
Before that point, I thought she was nice. She seemed like she could be a good person. She was average looking, nothing special. But she apparently was a professional cook, and I really love food.
And her pictures had her showing off cleavage, and her tongue stud. And there was one of her Pisces tattoo, as well.
At the bottom of her profile, OkCupid thought it was pertinent to inform me that "HopefulInE-Town" is more "sex-perienced" than I was. And she was more, "love driven" and "romantic".
Okay, so she was sensual and seem to enjoy sex. But she also wants her guy to earn that right, because she wasn't into flings and one-night stands.
Not a problem, I thought. If she doesn't have a car, and lives with her family of four other people; I still would want to give her a fair chance. I'm sure most guys would balk and turn away, but not me.
You see, I always learn something new from every date I've been on. And I was expecting the same from this encounter. Regardless of whether or not it went well.
And it didn't go well. Heh. It was weird from the very start, as I wasn't sure if I should ring her doorbell as I walked up the steps, because I don't know if she lives on that level, or if anyone was expecting to see me at a fairly late hour (9pm).
It was her idea by the way, to meet up this late. I would've met her earlier, but apparently her son will be "okay" because he wasn't feeling "well" before and went to sleep early. So, she was "free" that evening, and promised to wear sexy clothes.
That was a red flag, right there. She seemed overly enthusiastic to meet me, which was okay, but I would have been fine to wait for Sunday, when the father of her child comes by and takes him for six hours.
Hmm. I'm not sure what else to say here, other than that she was extremely talkative. But not about anything interesting. Just herself, and the banal stuff that happens in a monochromatic, single-mom lifestyle.
She was also on maternity leave for a year.
Nothing wrong with that either, but all these things added up. FWB. No car. She smokes weed, I later find out. The tongue stud. The tattoo. The cleavage. The "sex-perienced" attribute.
It all adds up.
And the picture it painted of her, was a giant meh. She was so.. talkative about nothing. My sense of humor pretty much dissipated ten minutes into picking her up. My mind went into this wandering state, where I'm not thinking about anything of what she's saying, and giving her the "mm hmms" and "oh yeah?"in all the well-timed places in her conversation.
I couldn't wait for this date to end, even though it had only begun.
She started throwing stray hairs outside the window. It was like, this constant picking at her head and pulling out a loose hair and then tossing it out. I swear, it had to have been a dozen strands or more.
And then, the yawning. Dear God did she ever yawn. Didn't cover her mouth either, just YAWWWWWWNNNNN and this seconds-long pause before she starts talking again.
Ugh.
She kept leaning her head forward to the dashboard as I was driving, completely blocking my view of the passenger side mirror. I had to gently push her back in the seat.
The girl was a floozy. Just bad news. But, I hung in there.
Managed to fish a few things out of her. One of my better questions was whether or not she was a wild child back in the day.
She was, she said. She had been a "bad, bad girl" back in the day. Saying it with this faraway look in her eyes.
Totally damaged goods.
(sighs)
That's.. the..
I wasn't sure if "scariest" would've been the next word. It wasn't the scariest girl I've dated, but it was scary. It was sad being out on a date with someone this tragic.
Again, I can even overlook a dark past. I believe in being able to change, and become a better person than you once were. I wouldn't judge anybody based on a past like this. I'm proof of this belief.
I'd judge instead, on their in-person attentions, and mannerisms.
For instance, she never covered her mouth when she yawned. Strike one.
Does she offer to help pay for the bill? If not, then strike two. I'm paying, but at least make a futile effort to pretend like you will. I'll be honored to pay, anyways.
In her case, she didn't seem all that appreciative of the meal. And she didn't offer to pay. It was at a nice restaurant too, Joeys in South Commons. I loved the sandwich I got, which had about half of a shredded cow in it alongside yam fries, all served on a warm french bun with au jus.
I loved my meal.
She didn't come close to finishing her plate. Which was as tasty a dish as mine was.
So, that makes strike three.
And it's not three strikes you're out, either. I'd let her strike out a couple more times as "credit" in case I decide to veto some of the judgements I've been making about her.
I'm really not picky about what kind of a woman she is, as long as she can prove to me that she has a sweet and soulful heart filled with good intentions.
Like Gina's heart was.
That's all I'm looking for. If a quad-amputee has those qualities, and I was on a date with her? I'd probably keep going ahead with wanting to see her. Those qualities are super important to have. Basic consideration and thoughtfulness goes a long ways with me.
Anyways, I have never finished a meal faster before on a first date, than I did with Misty.
She was literally banging her head against the table, nearly passing out from being tired and yawning and then her leg falls asleep, so she has to get up and walk around. Without first explaining to me what she was doing, until I had to ask.
Geez.
I had to nudge her playfully a few times, to keep her from passing out altogether.
"I could sleep on this," she coos, leaning back into the plush booth we were in. "It's so comfortable."
"Yeah." My mouth absent-mindedly replies.
She asked me about my novel, and I didn't have the heart or interest to tell her much about it. Just that I did ten chapters, and it's sort of a science-fiction drama. She then goes off the question and talks about something completely unrelated. She doesn't read, anyways. Doesn't have a favorite book or movie. Doesn't have any passions for anything, or hobbies. Or ways of getting time to herself each week, because she's busy looking after her child.
Again, nothing wrong with what I described so far. But, it was a you-had-to-be-there moment in time. As I said, all the bad stuff added up, and then her monotonous voice and forced smiles/laughs as she talked about boring (believe me, I don't think there's anything interesting about knowing that her son falls asleep in a funny-but-not-really position every night) subjects.
It was just so boring.
When Gina and I first met, we didn't discuss her kids all that much on the first date. Kids weren't really an interesting topic to talk about. Gina had character, and sweetness and loved movies and music and so many other things besides just her children. She had depth. And both of our depths drowned each other, finding new things to say and talk about. Without much difficulty.
Not so in this case. Not with Misty.
Ugh. I'm glad it's over. I was originally supposed to go out with Amber, as she decided to text me yesterday saying that she was free tonight. But Amber ended up having to work late, and I was sitting around reading messages from Misty, saying how she was going to wear sexy clothes and that she wouldn't tell me what it was, until I went to meet her.
So, I did. And I guess, I don't regret it.
I'm pretty sure I learned something today. I can't verbalize it yet, but I know something new about myself. Despite my boredom with her, I was able to be polite and nice enough to not frown or yawn or make like I'm not paying attention (even though I wasn't paying much attention).
I tried to be nice, is all. And the night ended nicely, as well, with a hug that she leaned over to give me, and a kiss to go along with it.
Three kisses to be exact.
And driving away from her place, I knew I wasn't going to see her again.
I don't believe it was a coincidence that she started messaging me a few days ago. Out of the blue, when I was at a time thinking there wasn't going to be anyone new who messages me, that I didn't message them first.
Gina messaged me first. Lauren did, too. Same with Leah, and Kim.
All of my interesting, intense relationships have occurred with women who contacted me first over these dating sites. I never even had them on my radar, until they did.
These kind of girls who message me first, usually result in a memorable date/relationship.
Not so with Misty.
Well, driving away, I wasn't sad or disappointed, really. I was.. trying to figure out what exactly was I supposed to have gained from this? Or what did Misty stand to gain?
One of my better questions to those that message me first, is why? What was it about my profile that caught your attention most?
Misty said it was because I looked nice. That's it. She didn't mention anything about what I had written in my profile. She didn't care that one of the "six things I can't live without" answers I gave, had to do with needing a functioning nervous system. She didn't comment on my cucumber joke. Or any of the other funny things in my profile.
She only started talking to me, because I looked nice.
That's it. Oh, and then she asked me if I wanted more kids. Again, I could not see this coming, but she was very different in text than what she actually was in person.
I'm doing a terrible job of describing exactly what kind of person she was. It wasn't the topical stuff about her job, her son, or not having a car that turned me off. It was.. her. Her personality.
She was not a terrific human being. On the way home, it struck me that there was something really wrong with her. Mentally, or spiritually or emotionally or morally.. I don't know what, but I could sense this darkness in her, and it was.. bleak, looking right at it.
And then pretending not to notice. Or that it was a big deal.
I'm strange sometimes. I really do overthink the little things, but I do it with skepticism and a demand for good evidence; so I don't often jump to the most generalized, fanciful conclusions without first being satisfied at what the evidence happens to be.
In this case, I can safely conclude that there was this dark pain inside of Misty that somewhat scared me. Not much, because I've seen semblances of it before, but not to this particular extreme.
(shrugs) Male intuition, or whatever it could be called. I know I felt something wrong with her.
We shared a pretty good hug together, and I enjoyed being reminded of how much I miss having someone to embrace and lock lips with. Even for just a little while.
But, I really think she was on drugs. And if she wasn't, then it's worse than I've thought.
Not going to see her again. No way.
I think it's mutual too. I can't see how my "mm hmms" and "uh huhs" would translate to her being interested in me. I intentionally made myself boring, so I wouldn't have to be expected to try and think of something of a rational or insightful response to whatever it is she's talking about.
She wasn't ever going to reciprocate with an equally lucid or interesting reply. She genuinely wasn't capable of giving one. Total lack of self-awareness and consideration for others.
And that sucks. It really does. Knowing that such spiritually-butchered souls are wandering around out there, lost in the woods and not really able to see what it is they're looking to find.
Just.. ghosts.
Some darker than others, but ghosts, shells, just the same. And I don't frequently come across this particular type, but whenever I do, it is always a sad affair. My sympathy threatens to pity the girl, only I don't want to destroy her pride or make her sad, for having acknowledged her pain.
Again, I probably think too deeply about this kind of stuff. But I find it fascinating to meet such a different type of person. There's always new surprises, or needed reminders of archetypes that I've encountered in the past. I'm sort of cataloguing personalities and ways of being, into an intuitively designed framework that I can easily reference from so I will be better equipped for whoever is ahead.
I want to increase the chances of finding the one I'm most meant to be with.
Whether it's with Gina, or someone else.
Regardless, I'm going to hope for the former, and attempt the latter.
Not much hope for the latter, to be honest.
Just too many dark people out there in the world. That diamond in the rough has to come to me of her own volition, and to message me first. She has to like my profile, and like who I am, before I allow myself to feel the glimmer of excitement.
I have a lot of little rules like that, which I've learned to apply over the years.
One of them includes, how often do they ask questions about me? Are they feigning interest at least, even if whatever is happening at the moment, is boring? Are they nice? Do they smile often? Do I have their full attention? Do their eyes wander around?
Lots of little rules and questions. It's all etched on my brain to know who is worth pursuing and who is not.
Like Gina.
Well.. It's not even close to a month yet, but I already had bought those scarecrows to surprise her with.
I know, I should never contact her again. If I am a spiritual person, than I must defer to a spiritual authority for not having my soul mate and I get back together. Because, if we are truly meant to be together, then I should NOT have to expend much, or any effort, to get her back. She WILL come back.
But ONLY if she really is the "one" I'm "meant" to be with.
I mean, that's my reasoning. I can't be the only one thinking that she's my soulmate, when she is likely not thinking the same.
Not that I think that she is my soulmate, because I really don't know if such a thing exists.
It might not.
Maybe, maybe we should settle. We don't need all these gimmicky qualities, and someone who has a car, or their own home, or an attractive physical appearance, etc. All we really should settle for, is someone with a good and kind heart.
But, what about if you are someone as broken as Misty? Would you deserve someone that is good and pure, when you yourself are so dark and corrupted that a relationship would be incompatible?
I'm wondering, maybe the broken ones have to be with the broken ones. And the good ones should be with the good ones.
But maybe. Maybe, the good ones have to try and transform the bad ones?
Do we have any such obligation? Or is attraction simply a, "birds of feather, flock together" type of phenomenon? Is it, "like attracts like"?
Because, it can't be. Can it? I'm not meeting people that are at all like me.
I haven't figured it out yet.
Hmm. My cd is almost over. I'm going to wrap this up.
It was a strange evening, and a strange day yesterday also. As I have realized certain insights that I'm not sure how to write down in the most articulate way possible.
Not that I should have to, as I expect to remember these lessons. They're important for me to have.
Well. I'm done.
Good night my blog.
Mwah.
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Monday, September 12, 2016
Ture Lvoe Wiats
Well, another day. Got up at 5am this time, and its ridiculous how early that is. But, its when I got up, so, there's no point in sleeping when I don't need to.
Hung up The Kiss in my bedroom, and the metal smiling sun I got yesterday. Both look pretty good, although I now have a space in the area below The Kiss, that needs to be filled with something. Honestly, I think a white vanity set with a mirror (for chicks) would work in that spot, but I'm not a chick, nor do I have one living with me.
It sucks. I updated my profile over at Plenty of Fish, and it's more lean and interesting I think. The less said, the better it seems. Quality over quantity. I could write such a long, verbose profile, but nobody is going to read it. And if they do, they'd be taken aback by how wordy I am. If anything, being wordy could point to being insecure, which I am trying not to be, although I am, a little bit.
I suppose if I found a reliable source of happiness in my life, that didn't involve being in an intimate relationship with anyone, then I wouldn't feel insecure. I don't like how I messaged Amber my phone number yesterday, and haven't heard from her, despite my knowing that she read my email. Will I get to hear from her? Are we even going out tonight? I don't know. She didn't write back, but maybe I should float over an idea of where we could meet.
Who knows what I should be doing.
I have one week off before work officially starts, and with how much I've gotten done around here, there's really not a lot left to do. Which is okay, because I'm sensing that the less attention I focus on home decorating, the more I have of it for other things. Like reading, writing, or cooking something new.
More time to think about "her", as well, which kind of sucks in its own right. As I don't want to always be thinking of her. But, it can sometimes be a guilty pleasure to do so. To conjure up some of the nice memories I have of her, and imagine myself reliving them.
My best memory, by far, is from when I came over to Gina's place with my new Samsung Galaxy Edge 7 phone. I had gotten it a week earlier, and it came with a free VR headset.
So, that thing there.
When I brought it over and had Gina wear it... Her smile.. Man.. it crushed my heart. It..
It was beautiful. Just watching her with that headset on, looking around and smiling..
I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as my girlfriend.
At the time.
There was a moment, when I thought maybe she was acting for my benefit. False enthusiasm. So, I told her I would step outside for a cigarette, and closed the patio door behind me. Outside, I peeked in and she still had that smile. That face all lit up with joy and wonder. A bit subdued, since she didn't think I was watching her, but it was still there.
I also remember thinking, that I did nothing to earn her. That despite all these years of my wanting to fall in love and be loved by someone; I didn't feel like I "won" when I met Gina. Meeting her felt not like someone I didn't deserve, but someone I haven't earned.
She was such a sweet .. she IS a sw.. well, I don't know if..
(sighs)
I wish I could see her again. I wish she could see me. I wish she could see my place and realize how much I've really changed. Both in myself, in my home and in the relationships I have with my family and friends.
I've changed. And I can't.. convince her that things will be different, because she doesn't want to see me again.
I can't force her to reconsider. I don't know how to. I can't convince her of anything. Words are meaningless.
This.. I don't know what to do now. I wrote yesterday's post saying that I should never contact her again, otherwise the consequences might be severe. I don't want to traumatize or annoy her. I don't want her to be upset.
But at the same time, I need her to know that I am the.. me she now deserves. I am her man. And she is my woman. And, it was her that transformed me.
And.. it's not something I can easily communicate to her. I can't tell her how worth it it would be, to try again and give me another chance.
She was adamant over the phone, that she was going to go through life without dating. That she is not interested in dating anymore.
"It doesn't have to be this way," I pleaded with her.
"Yes, it does." She angrily replied.
She seemed really sure about her decision, but it was based on..
(sighs)
It was based on the old me. The scared and suspicious me.
I'm..
Ugh.
I can't believe I'm coming up on the third month from the last time I've seen her.
Three months, already.
And I'm still feeling like this. I'm still thinking about her. I'm still wanting her.
What is this? This is completely new to me. I have never pined for a girl as hard as I have been doing. This is different. Weird, even.
But, at the same time, it's..
Necessary. Necessary for me to be as honest with myself as possible. To not repress my emotions and feelings. To keep myself grounded and logical. To keep faith and hope alive. I can't delude myself into thinking that "someone better is out there", even if it's true, that's not the way I want to ease this burden I'm carrying.
I want to go on being thankful for having met that beautiful person. But, I also don't want to go on knowing that I may have hurt her. I don't want to go on, without her really knowing how much I care for her.
It's such a struggle.
The easiest thing is to leave it all alone, and let the chips fall where they may. But, it's hard letting go.
And I don't really want to let go, either.
I found the woman I love.
And..
I don't know anymore.
I'm worth being with, now.
If only she could see me, to know for sure.
If only.
I'd love to take her for breakfast at A&W, and just talk. Although I'm sure if that happens, I'm not going to be able to touch my food or be able to take my eyes off of her.
It'll be awkward starting again from scratch, but I'm quite certain it would be worth it.
Now, I feel like I need to say something funny in this post to lighten up the dreary/sad mood I created.
Hmm.
I've got nothing. My sense of humor is intact, but I have nothing amusing to write.
Guess I don't want to laugh right now.
Laughter is something best enjoyed with others.
Not on my own.
(sighs)
I'm feeling my feelings. I'm staying true to myself. I'm still going to place one foot in front of the other, and do whatever I can with my day, and my life, and help elevate others so that they can be less burdened, and more appreciated, and thought of as worthwhile human beings.
There is a Filipino lady at one of the gas stations I go to, that I joke around with sometimes. She's at the No Frills station. I suggested she use her PC points card on my 50$ purchase. And I made her smile.
This other Filipino over at Esso, gets a smile and a few laughs from me each time I go, too.
The cigar store lady. Clerks. Cashiers. Service employees. The lady serving me my coffee at Tim Hortons. Everyone usually gets a smile, and a joke if I have something worth teasing them about, or remarking upon.
I guess, if I never see Gina again, if I decide to never contact her, then I will still have this gift, of sorts, to continue appreciating. This reversal of fear, was caused by her. And I can't imagine how much money I would pay, should someone come by and offer me this exact same sort of "change". I would probably pay thousands of dollars for it. Reading dozens upon dozens of self-help books will not affect me in the same way that our breakup did.
So, I'm grateful. I hope to always be grateful.
I see things more clearly, now. I'm more expressive. Less inhibited. More giving. Much happier.
But, it's so weird to be happy and sad at once.
Again, I'm feeling my feelings, and as weird and out-of-sorts I sometimes feel, I'm far happier to be going with the flow rather than to swim against the current.
One of the things I learned from Sandra, is exactly that lesson. We were discussing what our life's "purpose" is, and Sandra claimed to immediately know what hers was.
"I am passionate about helping the homeless," she tells me. "That's my purpose."
Of course, I was skeptical. Because there are so many hypocrites out there, and people always say what they don't mean or believe in. So, I quizzed her.
"How do you know what your life's purpose is?"
And she explained it as going into the direction that is most easy. The path of least resistance. And while I don't think it was articulated very well, I did grasp the deeper meaning behind her words.
I understood exactly what she meant.
And I agree. You should never have to "push" in any direction other than the one that feels most obvious and natural. It takes a lot of self-awareness too, to know if you are "pushing" or not, because the ego and desire, each can distort what the truth of your life's purpose is. All too often, we think we want one type of thing, but what we really NEED is this completely other thing that we overlooked.
There is a path available, for those that want to find happiness and meaning in their lives. But we have to believe in it, in order to realize our destinies. We need to be able to keep ourselves on track, as we navigate the many challenges and obstacles that our day-to-day lives present.
So, there's a kind of personal integrity and honor that has to be in place, before this path can be walked. Or made known.
You have to have an intelligent understanding of who you are, what your needs and desires are, and know your heart well enough to be able to build trust in the subtle commands that the heart gives you.
Honor yourself, above all others.
Follow your heart, but don't abandon reason.
Always be reasonable.
Always be logical, smart, calculating, thoughtful.
And always be loving. No matter if it's a family member, or a stranger on the street.
There is no distinction between flesh and blood, and the rest of humanity around us.
We are all one.
And we all have our problems, and desires.
The most noble goal one can aspire towards, is to live a life worthy of admiration and inspiration.
That's pretty much it. If you can leave a legacy behind that continues to inspire others, then it would be icing on the cake.
...
Well. Justin just messaged me.
Let's see what another day brings.
Hung up The Kiss in my bedroom, and the metal smiling sun I got yesterday. Both look pretty good, although I now have a space in the area below The Kiss, that needs to be filled with something. Honestly, I think a white vanity set with a mirror (for chicks) would work in that spot, but I'm not a chick, nor do I have one living with me.
It sucks. I updated my profile over at Plenty of Fish, and it's more lean and interesting I think. The less said, the better it seems. Quality over quantity. I could write such a long, verbose profile, but nobody is going to read it. And if they do, they'd be taken aback by how wordy I am. If anything, being wordy could point to being insecure, which I am trying not to be, although I am, a little bit.
I suppose if I found a reliable source of happiness in my life, that didn't involve being in an intimate relationship with anyone, then I wouldn't feel insecure. I don't like how I messaged Amber my phone number yesterday, and haven't heard from her, despite my knowing that she read my email. Will I get to hear from her? Are we even going out tonight? I don't know. She didn't write back, but maybe I should float over an idea of where we could meet.
Who knows what I should be doing.
I have one week off before work officially starts, and with how much I've gotten done around here, there's really not a lot left to do. Which is okay, because I'm sensing that the less attention I focus on home decorating, the more I have of it for other things. Like reading, writing, or cooking something new.
More time to think about "her", as well, which kind of sucks in its own right. As I don't want to always be thinking of her. But, it can sometimes be a guilty pleasure to do so. To conjure up some of the nice memories I have of her, and imagine myself reliving them.
My best memory, by far, is from when I came over to Gina's place with my new Samsung Galaxy Edge 7 phone. I had gotten it a week earlier, and it came with a free VR headset.
When I brought it over and had Gina wear it... Her smile.. Man.. it crushed my heart. It..
It was beautiful. Just watching her with that headset on, looking around and smiling..
I remember thinking how lucky I was to have her as my girlfriend.
At the time.
There was a moment, when I thought maybe she was acting for my benefit. False enthusiasm. So, I told her I would step outside for a cigarette, and closed the patio door behind me. Outside, I peeked in and she still had that smile. That face all lit up with joy and wonder. A bit subdued, since she didn't think I was watching her, but it was still there.
I also remember thinking, that I did nothing to earn her. That despite all these years of my wanting to fall in love and be loved by someone; I didn't feel like I "won" when I met Gina. Meeting her felt not like someone I didn't deserve, but someone I haven't earned.
She was such a sweet .. she IS a sw.. well, I don't know if..
(sighs)
I wish I could see her again. I wish she could see me. I wish she could see my place and realize how much I've really changed. Both in myself, in my home and in the relationships I have with my family and friends.
I've changed. And I can't.. convince her that things will be different, because she doesn't want to see me again.
I can't force her to reconsider. I don't know how to. I can't convince her of anything. Words are meaningless.
This.. I don't know what to do now. I wrote yesterday's post saying that I should never contact her again, otherwise the consequences might be severe. I don't want to traumatize or annoy her. I don't want her to be upset.
But at the same time, I need her to know that I am the.. me she now deserves. I am her man. And she is my woman. And, it was her that transformed me.
And.. it's not something I can easily communicate to her. I can't tell her how worth it it would be, to try again and give me another chance.
She was adamant over the phone, that she was going to go through life without dating. That she is not interested in dating anymore.
"It doesn't have to be this way," I pleaded with her.
"Yes, it does." She angrily replied.
She seemed really sure about her decision, but it was based on..
(sighs)
It was based on the old me. The scared and suspicious me.
I'm..
Ugh.
I can't believe I'm coming up on the third month from the last time I've seen her.
Three months, already.
And I'm still feeling like this. I'm still thinking about her. I'm still wanting her.
What is this? This is completely new to me. I have never pined for a girl as hard as I have been doing. This is different. Weird, even.
But, at the same time, it's..
Necessary. Necessary for me to be as honest with myself as possible. To not repress my emotions and feelings. To keep myself grounded and logical. To keep faith and hope alive. I can't delude myself into thinking that "someone better is out there", even if it's true, that's not the way I want to ease this burden I'm carrying.
I want to go on being thankful for having met that beautiful person. But, I also don't want to go on knowing that I may have hurt her. I don't want to go on, without her really knowing how much I care for her.
It's such a struggle.
The easiest thing is to leave it all alone, and let the chips fall where they may. But, it's hard letting go.
And I don't really want to let go, either.
I found the woman I love.
And..
I don't know anymore.
I'm worth being with, now.
If only she could see me, to know for sure.
If only.
I'd love to take her for breakfast at A&W, and just talk. Although I'm sure if that happens, I'm not going to be able to touch my food or be able to take my eyes off of her.
It'll be awkward starting again from scratch, but I'm quite certain it would be worth it.
Now, I feel like I need to say something funny in this post to lighten up the dreary/sad mood I created.
Hmm.
I've got nothing. My sense of humor is intact, but I have nothing amusing to write.
Guess I don't want to laugh right now.
Laughter is something best enjoyed with others.
Not on my own.
(sighs)
I'm feeling my feelings. I'm staying true to myself. I'm still going to place one foot in front of the other, and do whatever I can with my day, and my life, and help elevate others so that they can be less burdened, and more appreciated, and thought of as worthwhile human beings.
There is a Filipino lady at one of the gas stations I go to, that I joke around with sometimes. She's at the No Frills station. I suggested she use her PC points card on my 50$ purchase. And I made her smile.
This other Filipino over at Esso, gets a smile and a few laughs from me each time I go, too.
The cigar store lady. Clerks. Cashiers. Service employees. The lady serving me my coffee at Tim Hortons. Everyone usually gets a smile, and a joke if I have something worth teasing them about, or remarking upon.
I guess, if I never see Gina again, if I decide to never contact her, then I will still have this gift, of sorts, to continue appreciating. This reversal of fear, was caused by her. And I can't imagine how much money I would pay, should someone come by and offer me this exact same sort of "change". I would probably pay thousands of dollars for it. Reading dozens upon dozens of self-help books will not affect me in the same way that our breakup did.
So, I'm grateful. I hope to always be grateful.
I see things more clearly, now. I'm more expressive. Less inhibited. More giving. Much happier.
But, it's so weird to be happy and sad at once.
Again, I'm feeling my feelings, and as weird and out-of-sorts I sometimes feel, I'm far happier to be going with the flow rather than to swim against the current.
One of the things I learned from Sandra, is exactly that lesson. We were discussing what our life's "purpose" is, and Sandra claimed to immediately know what hers was.
"I am passionate about helping the homeless," she tells me. "That's my purpose."
Of course, I was skeptical. Because there are so many hypocrites out there, and people always say what they don't mean or believe in. So, I quizzed her.
"How do you know what your life's purpose is?"
And she explained it as going into the direction that is most easy. The path of least resistance. And while I don't think it was articulated very well, I did grasp the deeper meaning behind her words.
I understood exactly what she meant.
And I agree. You should never have to "push" in any direction other than the one that feels most obvious and natural. It takes a lot of self-awareness too, to know if you are "pushing" or not, because the ego and desire, each can distort what the truth of your life's purpose is. All too often, we think we want one type of thing, but what we really NEED is this completely other thing that we overlooked.
There is a path available, for those that want to find happiness and meaning in their lives. But we have to believe in it, in order to realize our destinies. We need to be able to keep ourselves on track, as we navigate the many challenges and obstacles that our day-to-day lives present.
So, there's a kind of personal integrity and honor that has to be in place, before this path can be walked. Or made known.
You have to have an intelligent understanding of who you are, what your needs and desires are, and know your heart well enough to be able to build trust in the subtle commands that the heart gives you.
Honor yourself, above all others.
Follow your heart, but don't abandon reason.
Always be reasonable.
Always be logical, smart, calculating, thoughtful.
And always be loving. No matter if it's a family member, or a stranger on the street.
There is no distinction between flesh and blood, and the rest of humanity around us.
We are all one.
And we all have our problems, and desires.
The most noble goal one can aspire towards, is to live a life worthy of admiration and inspiration.
That's pretty much it. If you can leave a legacy behind that continues to inspire others, then it would be icing on the cake.
...
Well. Justin just messaged me.
Let's see what another day brings.
Sunday, September 11, 2016
Maybe I've Always Been More Comfortable In Chaos
I just realized, that I must decide to never contact Georgina again. That means, I can't do my idea next month where I plan on leaving scarecrow figures and a sign that says, "Happy Halloween" on the road where Gina drives to work. It's a stupid idea. I would then come back two days later, and place another scarecrow holding up a sign that says, "BOO-Tiful". So she will know its from me.
God, I can't go through with it. I sound like a crazy person.
And that's exactly what I am, if should I decide to do something dumb like I described above.
Gina has to be a powder keg right now. I can't touch her in any way from here on out. Ever. Because, the consequences would be too severe.
I've already done enough. I've proclaimed my love to her. I made her the cd, and if she threw it away again, then so be it.
But, if she read the email and listened to the cd.
Then, all I can do is wait. And hope.
That's it.
Leaving shit on the side of the road where she works, over a month from now, is insane. It really is.
No matter how much of a reaction I know I'd get, if she took my feelings with sincerity.
But, she doesn't. She doesn't think that I truly love her. And she never will know for sure, unless she looks me into the eye. Of her own volition, to confirm if what I am telling her, is the truth.
That's the only way she'd ever get to know for sure. Whether or not I am wrongfully obsessed or if I am telling the truth, she has to verify it for herself. And to do that, means she needs to have some bit of faith in everything I have confessed. That I didn't, am not misleading her to think that I am playing a dark and ugly game.
I truly am not.
But, that would be a severe consequence if should I ever contact again. In any form, whatsoever.
So.
All I can do. Is wait.
And hope.
(sighs)
I really am a schmuck.
God, I can't go through with it. I sound like a crazy person.
And that's exactly what I am, if should I decide to do something dumb like I described above.
Gina has to be a powder keg right now. I can't touch her in any way from here on out. Ever. Because, the consequences would be too severe.
I've already done enough. I've proclaimed my love to her. I made her the cd, and if she threw it away again, then so be it.
But, if she read the email and listened to the cd.
Then, all I can do is wait. And hope.
That's it.
Leaving shit on the side of the road where she works, over a month from now, is insane. It really is.
No matter how much of a reaction I know I'd get, if she took my feelings with sincerity.
But, she doesn't. She doesn't think that I truly love her. And she never will know for sure, unless she looks me into the eye. Of her own volition, to confirm if what I am telling her, is the truth.
That's the only way she'd ever get to know for sure. Whether or not I am wrongfully obsessed or if I am telling the truth, she has to verify it for herself. And to do that, means she needs to have some bit of faith in everything I have confessed. That I didn't, am not misleading her to think that I am playing a dark and ugly game.
I truly am not.
But, that would be a severe consequence if should I ever contact again. In any form, whatsoever.
So.
All I can do. Is wait.
And hope.
(sighs)
I really am a schmuck.
Living in a Fool's Paradise
Phew. What a day, what a night.
Yesterday was busy, as I scrambled to assemble the photo frame collage thing for my mom which took me around two and a half hours to complete.
Check it out.
That.. was.. arduous. But worth it. My mom loved this thing.
Here's a "behind the scenes" footage, uhm, outtake photo of my mad scientist lab as I labored away.
Wasn't easy..
And then when that was done, I had to wrap up my mom's second present. The bracelet from Pandora that Gina gave me the idea for months ago. I decided to wrap it up in four different boxes, for maximum surprise awesomeness.
That would be box, #4 you're looking at there. Yes, there is a fake hand inside. Because I keep hearing how people "need a hand" and figured my mom could always use an extra hand around the house. See? I'm actually not crazy at all. I'm smert and thought-fill.
Of course, I had to weigh this box down with something, so..
That did the trick. Two of those from the garden outside and it felt exactly like this thing I was telling my mom about a few days ago over the phone.
A fog machine! What I've always wanted!
Do you think my mom would actually think I got her a fog machine for her retirement/65th birthday gift?
Yes, yes she did. And the reaction was hilarious.
"Sunshine, what am I going to do with a..a.."
"Fog machine, Ma. You can make smoke inside your house with it."
The whole table erupted in laughter at that. I let it play out for a bit, and then told her to open it up.
Of course, the hand had people in stitches as well. So did the two rocks I plopped casually onto the table.
Then, she unwrapped the second box, the third and finally the forth, where the bracelet came out.
"Oh, it's beautiful!"
And that went perfectly.
The dinner was awesome. Had a great chat with my cousin Mark and his wife Jannette. Later on, I got the mirror/photo collage out, and she was close to being teary eyed.
I made my mom's night a special one to remember, and I'm so happy she was happy with everything. My aunt Alexandra was impressed with the photo frame, and said she was going to get one too.
Some photos from the event:
'twas a great time.
But..
Heh.
It..
(sighs)
This is the stupid in me speaking, but it would've been so much better if Gina was there with me.
While I was putting together the frame, and wrapping the gifts, and being at the party, and seeing my mom's reaction...
All I could.. well, it wasn't all I could think of, but I kept thinking about how nice it would be if Gina came along.
Ironically, my mom's best friend who is also named Gina, asked me where my girlfriend was.
"We broke up two months ago," I said.
The look on her face.. (sighs) .. I had to.. well.. be brave, I guess. It made me feel small, and sad.
Thinking about it now, is making me feel small and sad.
I wish..
Man..
Forget it. I wish we didn't break up. That's old news. But w.. no, WE didn't break up. She broke up. I didn't consent to any of it.
And, today was a little unusual regarding thoughts of Gina. Yesterday, they were prevalent. And I noticed that every time I did something that I think would impress someone, I'd automatically think of her, and how I'd want her to be impressed.
But, not today. And I had a bit of a shopping spree going, where I picked up a lot of cool little things from various places, like Goodwill, Stokes and Winners.
Check it out.
My best haul yet. Most of those goodies were from Goodwill, where a strange impulse told me to go inside and check the place out. As soon as I entered, a giddy feeling swelled up in my gut and I found two wicked pictures almost immediately, and not only that, but they were 50% off for that day only. So, 3 bucks for that old school mirror thing ("Entertainment, for man & beast") and 20 bucks for this really nice picture of a pregnant lady and child, done in a swirly abstract/impressionist style.
Got a book from there on Jakob Boehme, two stuffed owls, a couch pillow, an old school metal smiling Sun thing.
And..(sighs)
The stupid in me made itself known once I saw it, but..
I saw a Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers vinyl record for five bucks. It.. was Gina's .. Well, Gina said this one Christmas song on there was her favorite.
I'm still a stupid idiot who dreams of someday having her back. So I can..
Man..
So I can impress her.
Love her.
Cherish her.
I don't know why I still think it's possible. I don't know. If I truly believed we would never get back together, I wouldn't have bought that record. But I did. On impulse, without consciously considering it. It was the first record I saw in the bin, and I snapped it up on my way out. Didn't look at any of the rest.
And now, Come Rain or Come Shine by Don Henley is playing on my headphones. Out of a sixty-plus track list on shuffle.
The lyrics are hitting me hard. This is actually my favourite song. I first heard this while watching Leaving Las Vegas with Nic Cage and Elizabeth Shue.
"I'm going to love you, like nobody's loved you. Come rain or come shine."
(sighs)
Why am I such a schmuck?
I am a hopeless romantic. I have to accept that.
But, am I really hopeless?
I don't think so. Not yet.
I'm filled with love right now, actually. I may not have Gina to project it onto, but I am projecting it onto other people. If that makes sense.
I haven't stopped.. Well, I've really slowed down with the dating sites in the past while. Been tired of meeting so many lemons on there. I just started messaging this cute lady named Amber, who has red hair, which I really enjoy seeing on a woman. But, she has one of those ugly chest tattoos and, I don't know.. I'm not expecting anything. She wants to meet tomorrow, and we're working out those details now, so we'll see what happens.
But.. Yeah.
I kind of don't want a strange girl to come to my house, and see how well decorated and clean it is.
I want Georgina. Carolyn. Baby doll, to be the one to first see it.
...
I am such a schmuck.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Yesterday was busy, as I scrambled to assemble the photo frame collage thing for my mom which took me around two and a half hours to complete.
Check it out.
Here's a "behind the scenes" footage, uhm, outtake photo of my mad scientist lab as I labored away.
And then when that was done, I had to wrap up my mom's second present. The bracelet from Pandora that Gina gave me the idea for months ago. I decided to wrap it up in four different boxes, for maximum surprise awesomeness.
Of course, I had to weigh this box down with something, so..
Do you think my mom would actually think I got her a fog machine for her retirement/65th birthday gift?
Yes, yes she did. And the reaction was hilarious.
"Sunshine, what am I going to do with a..a.."
"Fog machine, Ma. You can make smoke inside your house with it."
The whole table erupted in laughter at that. I let it play out for a bit, and then told her to open it up.
Of course, the hand had people in stitches as well. So did the two rocks I plopped casually onto the table.
Then, she unwrapped the second box, the third and finally the forth, where the bracelet came out.
"Oh, it's beautiful!"
And that went perfectly.
The dinner was awesome. Had a great chat with my cousin Mark and his wife Jannette. Later on, I got the mirror/photo collage out, and she was close to being teary eyed.
I made my mom's night a special one to remember, and I'm so happy she was happy with everything. My aunt Alexandra was impressed with the photo frame, and said she was going to get one too.
Some photos from the event:
But..
Heh.
It..
(sighs)
This is the stupid in me speaking, but it would've been so much better if Gina was there with me.
While I was putting together the frame, and wrapping the gifts, and being at the party, and seeing my mom's reaction...
All I could.. well, it wasn't all I could think of, but I kept thinking about how nice it would be if Gina came along.
Ironically, my mom's best friend who is also named Gina, asked me where my girlfriend was.
"We broke up two months ago," I said.
The look on her face.. (sighs) .. I had to.. well.. be brave, I guess. It made me feel small, and sad.
Thinking about it now, is making me feel small and sad.
I wish..
Man..
Forget it. I wish we didn't break up. That's old news. But w.. no, WE didn't break up. She broke up. I didn't consent to any of it.
And, today was a little unusual regarding thoughts of Gina. Yesterday, they were prevalent. And I noticed that every time I did something that I think would impress someone, I'd automatically think of her, and how I'd want her to be impressed.
But, not today. And I had a bit of a shopping spree going, where I picked up a lot of cool little things from various places, like Goodwill, Stokes and Winners.
Check it out.
My best haul yet. Most of those goodies were from Goodwill, where a strange impulse told me to go inside and check the place out. As soon as I entered, a giddy feeling swelled up in my gut and I found two wicked pictures almost immediately, and not only that, but they were 50% off for that day only. So, 3 bucks for that old school mirror thing ("Entertainment, for man & beast") and 20 bucks for this really nice picture of a pregnant lady and child, done in a swirly abstract/impressionist style.
Got a book from there on Jakob Boehme, two stuffed owls, a couch pillow, an old school metal smiling Sun thing.
And..(sighs)
The stupid in me made itself known once I saw it, but..
I saw a Dolly Parton & Kenny Rogers vinyl record for five bucks. It.. was Gina's .. Well, Gina said this one Christmas song on there was her favorite.
I'm still a stupid idiot who dreams of someday having her back. So I can..
Man..
So I can impress her.
Love her.
Cherish her.
I don't know why I still think it's possible. I don't know. If I truly believed we would never get back together, I wouldn't have bought that record. But I did. On impulse, without consciously considering it. It was the first record I saw in the bin, and I snapped it up on my way out. Didn't look at any of the rest.
And now, Come Rain or Come Shine by Don Henley is playing on my headphones. Out of a sixty-plus track list on shuffle.
The lyrics are hitting me hard. This is actually my favourite song. I first heard this while watching Leaving Las Vegas with Nic Cage and Elizabeth Shue.
"I'm going to love you, like nobody's loved you. Come rain or come shine."
(sighs)
Why am I such a schmuck?
I am a hopeless romantic. I have to accept that.
But, am I really hopeless?
I don't think so. Not yet.
I'm filled with love right now, actually. I may not have Gina to project it onto, but I am projecting it onto other people. If that makes sense.
I haven't stopped.. Well, I've really slowed down with the dating sites in the past while. Been tired of meeting so many lemons on there. I just started messaging this cute lady named Amber, who has red hair, which I really enjoy seeing on a woman. But, she has one of those ugly chest tattoos and, I don't know.. I'm not expecting anything. She wants to meet tomorrow, and we're working out those details now, so we'll see what happens.
But.. Yeah.
I kind of don't want a strange girl to come to my house, and see how well decorated and clean it is.
I want Georgina. Carolyn. Baby doll, to be the one to first see it.
...
I am such a schmuck.
Tomorrow is a new day.
Saturday, September 10, 2016
Come Rain or Come Shine
(groans)
Up at 530am when I went to bed at 1am.
I don't get it.
I should be staying up as late as possible so that I can get my body in tune for night shift in nine days from now, but it doesn't seem to want to cooperate.
Patsy Cline's 'She's Got You' is on the headphones right now as my coffee burbles away in the machine. It's dark out and a little chilly. Now, Willie Nelson's 'Crazy' just came on.
"Well, hello there."
I'm still pining over her. And, it's not irrational in the least. Not unless I'm sure I have good reasons for doing so, and I do. Very good reasons.
It's been a long, lonely, difficult road for me as far as dating and relationships go. I've been with women from all walks of life. Women with Ph.Ds who were intellectually engaging, women who just wanted sex, women with kids, without kids, dumb women, short women, fat women, crazy women, boring women. Good looking women, unattractive women.
Black women (woman). Native women.
Women with sexy accents. Older women. Younger women. Women in open relationships. Many women who were into BDSM, which, I still don't understand why it's such a common fetish/expectation to want to be tied-up, choked, abused, etc..
Broken women who complain about how hard it is to find a "nice" guy out there, when they have next to nothing to offer in return. Apart from their vaginas and the lofty sense of entitlement that a vagina ostensibly affords them.
Every one of these girls had not been a person I would've enjoyed spending the rest of my life with. At the time, I may have thought I would've been happy being with Amy, Lauren or Leah for the rest of my days, but.. Lauren was a cheater, Amy was indecisive and inconsiderate, Leah was crazy and a liar.
Tina was married. Elizabeth I had met at an age when I wasn't serious at all about relationships (21).
Just about everyone was a wash. People may think this is a situation of "it's not them, it's you!" but I swear, that is not the case. That is how my "luck" has been as far as dating goes. For the past ten years from when I first started dating online in 2006. Starting with Sadie, who is the girl that gave me a blowjob on the first date that put me in the hospital and caused me to drop out of school. I then spent the next three years being single, because I was intensely suspicious and distrustful of women in general.
Not sure if I told this story on here, but I don't think it needs to be repeated. My worst first date ever.
And then. I met Carolyn Georgina Clayton.
She w.. On our first date, she brought me those paper flowers and shocked me with her thoughtfulness. She then asked me, after we finished dinner, if I would want to come to her house.
I did, I said. And on her couch, we began making out, and she whipped out my penis.
It was me who pushed her back, saying that we can't have sex on the first date, because from experience, sex on the first date never ended well for me, as far as longevity/respect in the relationship went. I don't respect women who do it on the first, and I didn't want to look at Gina as just a fling.
From the get go, I wanted something more with her.
And for the first while, I got that. I got so much more than I expected.
She brought me small gifts, gave me back and foot massages, made me dinner a few times. She was affectionate, enthusiastic, and such a giving, beautiful human being who loved her children. Who had a lot to offer.
And, I remember one evening while speaking about her out loud during my nightly prayer/conversation with Whoever Is Out There; I remember thinking that it felt like I didn't "earn" Gina. That I somehow didn't deserve someone as good as her. Because, I didn't throw myself into the relationship as much as she did. I held back. I expected the worse to happen, like it always has happened with the many girls I've dated/been with.
And it took nearly six months, for that "worst" to happen.
And.. I respect Gina now. I couldn't get why she would be so into me before, I couldn't understand it. Not only did she make me feel like I haven't "earned" her, but she made me suspicious. She put me on edge, a bit.
And now, that edge is gone. My fear is gone. My suspicions erased.
She was what she always was.
A kind, beautiful human being.
Not a liar, like the rest were.
I was .. not wrong to be suspicious. My heart has been broken and repaired more times than I can count. And I didn't want this to happen again with her.
I didn't.. (sighs).. want her to .. I didn't think she would break up with me through text. And being how into me she was, I didn't think it would have happened so suddenly like it did.
Especially, not through text.
And I can't beat myself up over this. No, I didn't put my best foot forward with her, and she did. But, I.. given my history, I really couldn't have done it any other way. There was no moment really, where I could say that I wished something was done differently. Apart from the last time I seen her, I could only be who I was at the time.
A man scared to death of yet another girl coming around to break his heart.
That's all I was. A coward, I guess.
A suspicious coward.
I once told Gina, that I didn't know how to "act" in a relationship with a genuinely good person. And, that's what I realized I had been doing the entire time with her. Acting. I wasn't truly myself, and I was working at keeping a facade going, until it got to the point where it was too exhausting to keep up.
Such a long story... I don't think I need to describe all the ways and moments where I held myself back from being a good boyfriend to her, because I couldn't.. I didn't want to make myself too vulnerable. And I was also scared, that she would interpret my vulnerabilities as a sign of weakness. That my.. value as a human being, would greatly diminish if she knew exactly what my fears and concerns were. I was.. scared of showing that side of myself to her, because..
Well, because.. I'm not.. proud of how my life has been up to this point. And unloading it all, would not be something I'd want to do to someone like her. I don't want to burden her with negativity, even though it has been a big part of my life up to now. All these bad experiences had made me into the man I am today.
So, I pretended like it didn't exist. That.. these feelings, that darkness inside of me wasn't worth acknowledging. That all those years of bullshit, and distrust, and heartbreak; didn't really matter.
But, they did matter.
And, still.. I'm back to thinking that I did only what I could have done with Gina. I couldn't unload all that on her. I couldn't trust her to stay with me, if I did tell her everything. If I really opened my heart up to her, would she still stay?
Would she still love me? Would she be able to love me, I mean?
I don't know.
Telling her I had a five month casual-sex relationship with a morbidly obese gal, wouldn't impress her in the least.
Telling her how I sat in a dark basement for three days next to the washing machine, sitting on a pile of laundry while I cried and cursed at God for having Lauren break up with me..
Well, she wouldn't have respected that.
I carved the word "love" into my left arm with a razor when I was 19 years old, because I really wanted a girlfriend. I was so depressed, that I resorted to visualization and du.. it doesn't matter.
Gina wouldn't have liked to know that about me.
I hated my job. She wouldn't have wanted to know that either.
(sighs)
I only did what I could. I.. do have regrets that we didn't do more together. That we didn't take a trip anyplace. That we didn't have enough conversations, and instead resorted to "watching" movies at my place or hers, which really were flimsy excuses for us to have sex.
We.. didn't really bond together as much as we could have. My fear kept us from going out, because I felt that I might screw up somehow.
It doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter, because she's not around any more.
My love..
(sighs)
I have.. an idea left.
The email didn't work. And I don't know if she listened to the cd..
But.. fuck, man. Even this new idea is dumb.
But, I don't want to give up on her either.. I want to remind her that I am still in love with her. I want her to know that I still think about her.
So, I have to wait another month before I can execute this new idea of mine.
Anyways..
Yesterday, I bought a fog machine.
Bedroom now looks like this, at night:
And.. through all these things I'm doing with decorating, and buying new shit, all I can think of is how much Gina would like all that.
A common thought that reoccurs with me is, "if only Gina could see this."
Part of me still wants to impress her. Even though she's gone. Long gone.
I think.. I want to be ready. In case she comes back, or in case I meet someone new who is as good or better than her.
I want to be ready, this time.
I will always be honest, from now on.
I am not going to be selling anyone a "lemon" by withholding information about what's wrong with me.
My potential girlfriend, deserves to know upfront.
Or, eventually, anyways. Within the first few months.
I can't "act" anymore.
I can only be me.
Mom's retirement party tonight. I still have to finish her photo collage frame. Good thing I'm up early.
Life goes on.
Friday, September 09, 2016
Deep Peace
Well, this morning, I cried. Again. Three tears, I believe it was.
I was on the front porch having a cigarette, 20 minutes after waking up at 730 and listening to Jon Secada's "Just Another Day" on my headphones.
Except this time, it wasn't over Gina. It was my dad I cried over.
I miss him. And I'm somewhat ashamed, that when he passed away in May, I didn't go onto the blog to write about it. Or how I was feeling at the time. It wasn't that I thought I didn't need/have to, but..
I don't know, this blog confuses me sometimes. I don't know what compels me to write. Am I exorcising a demon? Trying to make sense of certain things? Emptying myself out? Or is posterity the driving force behind all this?
Maybe it's all of the above, and more. I don't know.
But, my dad.
A few days ago, I watched some of a documentary called "Bears" that Disney produced, and which has been on my PVR for a number of months now.
In Bears, there was an interesting moment in which Scout, a male bear cub, is described as looking for his "role" model, early on in the doc. He takes note of the aggressive alpha-bears, the laid-back bears, the average ho-hum ones, the overly affectionate ones.. And, he doesn't really find any bear to model himself over. At least, not until the end, where he discovers that he had always had a courageous role model to follow, his mom. According to what the narrator claims, anyways.
That.. kind of jerked me a bit when I watched that. Because, I notice that in me, too. I'm kind of still a kid at this ripe old age of mine, and I.. never really found a role model for myself, other than Kurt Cobain in my early teens. But as life went on, I grew out of bad poetry and hoping to make a living playing guitar/being in a band.
Since Kurt, I never.. really had anyone to look up to. To look at and say, "that's the kind of man I'd like to be."
Well, I realized this morning, with the pain of loss cutting deep into my heart, that just like Scout, my role model had been right under my nose all along.
My father.
Frank Ernest Koziar.
July 31st, 1944 - May 1st, 2016.
Born in .. (sighs) I wish I knew the exact place, but he was born in Czechslovakia, in a small village outside of Prague somewhere. I would know, if my step-sister Stephanie gave me dad's old passport like I asked her to.
But that text message was ignored. As usual. She doesn't give a shit about dad, or myself.
I don't know what to write in this post. I feel bummed already. Radiohead's "Daydreaming" is playing, and I still remember how perfect of a song that was in the days leading up to dad's memorial service/viewing. It mirrored my sadness perfectly. Every time I hear this song, I'm going to be reminded of that week.
I'll also be reminded of that stranger who paid for my coffee at the Tim Horton's drive-through, on the day I was driving to make funeral arrangements for my old man. He couldn't have picked a better stranger to show a kindness towards, at that particular time.
Well.. Dad.. you are my role model. You are.. were.. smart, handsome, strong.. really strong, not just physically, but mentally, too. I don't think I can remember if dad ever cried once in his life over anything.. Which puts me to shame, since.. yeah.
But that was part of his flaw, too. His inability to express his emotions. He.. was raised as a child by his grandmother, according to what my mom told me. I don't know what happened to his parents. When he was about 21, dad just left the country and didn't look back. He left his parents, and his siblings behind.
Whoever they were.
My Grandfather's name was Adolph. Heh. My Grandmother was Francisca, if memory serves me correctly.
It takes courage for dad doing what he did back then. He didn't know a lick of English, but he.. he had balls of steel to just leave and go to Austria, and from there, I think he went to.. ugh, he rarely talked about this, but I think he was in the UK or someplace and decided to go to Canada from there. No particular reason, either. He didn't have family or friends here.
So, he claimed refugee status, due to the Russians having taken over the country, and ended up in Alberta. With only a handful of possessions; he had to find a job, and was a janitor at the Salvation Army either downtown, or the one on Whyte Ave; both of which are still open to this day.
I remember him telling me the story of his first meal when he arrived. It was at the McDonalds hotel in downtown Edmonton, and it was a buffet. He thought he could only have one plate, and was wondering why other people kept going and getting more food from the table. Hah.
My dad was a true Renaissance man. He had his fingers into everything. Music, gardening, tennis, ping pong, weight lifting, soccer, books, stamp-collecting, coin-collecting, cooking. He worked on cars, worked as an electrician, owned a gas station, owned a laundromat. My dad had a solid business acumen going, and he was a take-no-prisioners, hard-ass when it came to people looking to take advantage of him.
He loved flea markets, and garage sales.
Just like I do, thanks to him taking me to so many of them as a child.
I still remember the day when I was 11 or so, and we were at this garage sale where there was boxes upon boxes of comics all wrapped up in plastic with a cardboard sleeve. I was big into comics back then, and my eyes literally popped out of my head as I scoured everything in the garage, looking for valuable first-issue/edition series. There was everything from Captain Carrot, to Groo, to lesser known titles from weirdo/niche publications.
My dad offered the lady a hundred bucks for the whole lot, which was probably a thousand or more comics. She snorted at him for that, and rightfully so.
But, my dad let me take out all the #1 issues I could find, and whatever ones after that. Like, Captain Carrot #1-#20.
He used to take me to Warp 1 comics all the time, on Whyte Ave.
Wor Wonton Soup. Swimming. Wee Book Inn.
Flea markets. Garage sales.
Theme parks. Amusement rides.
Vacations.
The library.
Camping. Fishing. Quadding.
Dim sum.
My dad gave me a pretty good childhood. He bought me an air rifle once, and we took Q-tips, cut off one of the swabs, and melted a small nail into the end with a lighter. This then was loaded into the rifle, and instantly made into a lethal weapon. Hell with BBs, we now had a high-velocity air gun which blew out a puff of white cotton every time we fired a Q-tip nail from it.
Then that time dad and I went to the military surplus store to buy gunpowder, and made smoke bombs that we detonated in the back yard.
Rockets that we couldn't successfully launch very high.
Throwing knives..
My dad was the coolest. He was a big kid.
Like me.
(sighs)
I have a drug and alcohol test later on this morning.. Hope I passed, since I think its been a month since I last smoked weed. But I'm not quite sure. My weight has dropped considerably since then, and not having much of an appetite, likely burned off whatever stores of THC fat I have left in me.
Going to work, finally, on the Monday after this one.
Dad wanted me to be a power engineer. Just like he was. Well, he was more than just a class two power engineer, he was 30 other things. As I've seen so many of his certificates. Boiler Fireman, electrician, power engineer.. Probably first-aid and whatever else. He was turned down at a few job interviews because he was "over-qualified".
But, I.. didn't like the technical side of things. I didn't like fixing cars, or being an electrician, or power engineering.
I liked art. I liked music. I loved reading. I love good food.
And with how its been the past month, I love making my home into a beautiful place.
Dad just never quite "got" me, when it came to who I actually am. He couldn't figure out what type of work I would be suited for, when I graduated from high school.
My dad couldn't relate to me very well.
I..
I wish he could have. I wish he c.. (sighs) I... told him once I was working on my novel, and he said he hoped he could read it someday.
He.. never did.
But, if I ever manage to finish writing it, its going to be dedicated to him. For sure.
My dad is the greatest man I know.
He had his flaws, his daughters and wife doesn't love him, he left his family behind, he was stubborn to a fault, but dad always tried to do the right thing. He tried to honor himself above all others.
And he did.
Just like I am trying to, as well.
My father is a tragic figure. He didn't leave much of a legacy behind. He wasn't really loved, or have loved anyone.. I think, maybe other than my mom, before her greed caused them to divorce and changing his life forever.
The gleam went out of his eyes, a few years after that divorce.
I remember, dad.
I'll try to honor your memory, pops. I haven't been working on the novel lately, because I've been busy. I've been busy doing things that I know you would never do, or be proud of. Well, some of them you wouldn't. I'm sure you would've been impressed that I changed a light fixture on my own, that I painted and stained my deck.. but, those are small accomplishments.
I'm going to eventually try to achieve something much bigger.
So my father will rightfully have something to be proud of, and that his life did serve a greater purpose.
His life, made my life possible.
It made who I am, possible.
He brought me into this world.
Now, its my duty to honor his memory and to express my appreciation for all he has given me.
I hope I can do it.
I hope I can make him proud.
I was on the front porch having a cigarette, 20 minutes after waking up at 730 and listening to Jon Secada's "Just Another Day" on my headphones.
Except this time, it wasn't over Gina. It was my dad I cried over.
I miss him. And I'm somewhat ashamed, that when he passed away in May, I didn't go onto the blog to write about it. Or how I was feeling at the time. It wasn't that I thought I didn't need/have to, but..
I don't know, this blog confuses me sometimes. I don't know what compels me to write. Am I exorcising a demon? Trying to make sense of certain things? Emptying myself out? Or is posterity the driving force behind all this?
Maybe it's all of the above, and more. I don't know.
But, my dad.
A few days ago, I watched some of a documentary called "Bears" that Disney produced, and which has been on my PVR for a number of months now.
In Bears, there was an interesting moment in which Scout, a male bear cub, is described as looking for his "role" model, early on in the doc. He takes note of the aggressive alpha-bears, the laid-back bears, the average ho-hum ones, the overly affectionate ones.. And, he doesn't really find any bear to model himself over. At least, not until the end, where he discovers that he had always had a courageous role model to follow, his mom. According to what the narrator claims, anyways.
That.. kind of jerked me a bit when I watched that. Because, I notice that in me, too. I'm kind of still a kid at this ripe old age of mine, and I.. never really found a role model for myself, other than Kurt Cobain in my early teens. But as life went on, I grew out of bad poetry and hoping to make a living playing guitar/being in a band.
Since Kurt, I never.. really had anyone to look up to. To look at and say, "that's the kind of man I'd like to be."
Well, I realized this morning, with the pain of loss cutting deep into my heart, that just like Scout, my role model had been right under my nose all along.
My father.
July 31st, 1944 - May 1st, 2016.
Born in .. (sighs) I wish I knew the exact place, but he was born in Czechslovakia, in a small village outside of Prague somewhere. I would know, if my step-sister Stephanie gave me dad's old passport like I asked her to.
But that text message was ignored. As usual. She doesn't give a shit about dad, or myself.
I don't know what to write in this post. I feel bummed already. Radiohead's "Daydreaming" is playing, and I still remember how perfect of a song that was in the days leading up to dad's memorial service/viewing. It mirrored my sadness perfectly. Every time I hear this song, I'm going to be reminded of that week.
I'll also be reminded of that stranger who paid for my coffee at the Tim Horton's drive-through, on the day I was driving to make funeral arrangements for my old man. He couldn't have picked a better stranger to show a kindness towards, at that particular time.
Well.. Dad.. you are my role model. You are.. were.. smart, handsome, strong.. really strong, not just physically, but mentally, too. I don't think I can remember if dad ever cried once in his life over anything.. Which puts me to shame, since.. yeah.
But that was part of his flaw, too. His inability to express his emotions. He.. was raised as a child by his grandmother, according to what my mom told me. I don't know what happened to his parents. When he was about 21, dad just left the country and didn't look back. He left his parents, and his siblings behind.
Whoever they were.
My Grandfather's name was Adolph. Heh. My Grandmother was Francisca, if memory serves me correctly.
It takes courage for dad doing what he did back then. He didn't know a lick of English, but he.. he had balls of steel to just leave and go to Austria, and from there, I think he went to.. ugh, he rarely talked about this, but I think he was in the UK or someplace and decided to go to Canada from there. No particular reason, either. He didn't have family or friends here.
So, he claimed refugee status, due to the Russians having taken over the country, and ended up in Alberta. With only a handful of possessions; he had to find a job, and was a janitor at the Salvation Army either downtown, or the one on Whyte Ave; both of which are still open to this day.
I remember him telling me the story of his first meal when he arrived. It was at the McDonalds hotel in downtown Edmonton, and it was a buffet. He thought he could only have one plate, and was wondering why other people kept going and getting more food from the table. Hah.
My dad was a true Renaissance man. He had his fingers into everything. Music, gardening, tennis, ping pong, weight lifting, soccer, books, stamp-collecting, coin-collecting, cooking. He worked on cars, worked as an electrician, owned a gas station, owned a laundromat. My dad had a solid business acumen going, and he was a take-no-prisioners, hard-ass when it came to people looking to take advantage of him.
He loved flea markets, and garage sales.
Just like I do, thanks to him taking me to so many of them as a child.
I still remember the day when I was 11 or so, and we were at this garage sale where there was boxes upon boxes of comics all wrapped up in plastic with a cardboard sleeve. I was big into comics back then, and my eyes literally popped out of my head as I scoured everything in the garage, looking for valuable first-issue/edition series. There was everything from Captain Carrot, to Groo, to lesser known titles from weirdo/niche publications.
My dad offered the lady a hundred bucks for the whole lot, which was probably a thousand or more comics. She snorted at him for that, and rightfully so.
But, my dad let me take out all the #1 issues I could find, and whatever ones after that. Like, Captain Carrot #1-#20.
He used to take me to Warp 1 comics all the time, on Whyte Ave.
Wor Wonton Soup. Swimming. Wee Book Inn.
Flea markets. Garage sales.
Theme parks. Amusement rides.
Vacations.
The library.
Camping. Fishing. Quadding.
Dim sum.
My dad gave me a pretty good childhood. He bought me an air rifle once, and we took Q-tips, cut off one of the swabs, and melted a small nail into the end with a lighter. This then was loaded into the rifle, and instantly made into a lethal weapon. Hell with BBs, we now had a high-velocity air gun which blew out a puff of white cotton every time we fired a Q-tip nail from it.
Then that time dad and I went to the military surplus store to buy gunpowder, and made smoke bombs that we detonated in the back yard.
Rockets that we couldn't successfully launch very high.
Throwing knives..
My dad was the coolest. He was a big kid.
Like me.
(sighs)
I have a drug and alcohol test later on this morning.. Hope I passed, since I think its been a month since I last smoked weed. But I'm not quite sure. My weight has dropped considerably since then, and not having much of an appetite, likely burned off whatever stores of THC fat I have left in me.
Going to work, finally, on the Monday after this one.
Dad wanted me to be a power engineer. Just like he was. Well, he was more than just a class two power engineer, he was 30 other things. As I've seen so many of his certificates. Boiler Fireman, electrician, power engineer.. Probably first-aid and whatever else. He was turned down at a few job interviews because he was "over-qualified".
But, I.. didn't like the technical side of things. I didn't like fixing cars, or being an electrician, or power engineering.
I liked art. I liked music. I loved reading. I love good food.
And with how its been the past month, I love making my home into a beautiful place.
Dad just never quite "got" me, when it came to who I actually am. He couldn't figure out what type of work I would be suited for, when I graduated from high school.
My dad couldn't relate to me very well.
I..
I wish he could have. I wish he c.. (sighs) I... told him once I was working on my novel, and he said he hoped he could read it someday.
He.. never did.
But, if I ever manage to finish writing it, its going to be dedicated to him. For sure.
My dad is the greatest man I know.
He had his flaws, his daughters and wife doesn't love him, he left his family behind, he was stubborn to a fault, but dad always tried to do the right thing. He tried to honor himself above all others.
And he did.
Just like I am trying to, as well.
My father is a tragic figure. He didn't leave much of a legacy behind. He wasn't really loved, or have loved anyone.. I think, maybe other than my mom, before her greed caused them to divorce and changing his life forever.
The gleam went out of his eyes, a few years after that divorce.
I remember, dad.
I'll try to honor your memory, pops. I haven't been working on the novel lately, because I've been busy. I've been busy doing things that I know you would never do, or be proud of. Well, some of them you wouldn't. I'm sure you would've been impressed that I changed a light fixture on my own, that I painted and stained my deck.. but, those are small accomplishments.
I'm going to eventually try to achieve something much bigger.
So my father will rightfully have something to be proud of, and that his life did serve a greater purpose.
His life, made my life possible.
It made who I am, possible.
He brought me into this world.
Now, its my duty to honor his memory and to express my appreciation for all he has given me.
I hope I can do it.
I hope I can make him proud.
Tuesday, September 06, 2016
I made up my mind, I ain't wasting no more time
Whew. Such an eventful day. Seems like every day is busy and filled with things to do, despite how unemployed my white ass has been these past two months (and a half).
Being this busy, meant that I didn't think much about Gina today. Save for one particular moment, but thats later on in the story here.
Started off with picking up my mom for a daytime shopping excursion to the grandest of furniture places.
Yeah, IKEA. Home of some real cheap ass junk (some of which happens to look pretty darn good, actually).
We had the the $1 breakfast there, totally enjoyed ourselves. Our mission at IKEA was to accomplish the following:
1) Secure myself a matching bathroom mat to complement the round one I have upstairs (also from IKEA)
2) Needed cheap ass mirrors, for my entryway.
3) Needed a new Philips Hue lightbulb for my bedroom lamp upstairs
4) Mom needed a big ol' clock for the living room
5) She also needed something to go under the new coffee table she bought (which didn't have drawers). My idea was to find a TV stand that was really short, and slide that thing under with various boxes to fit inside the empty spaces inside
We managed to accomplish 2 of the above 5 items. We got ourselves the TV bench, which was a ridiculous 20 bucks. An amazing steal, since IKEA does have some really good deals on a small portion of their merchandise.
And, I got my bathroom mat.
PLUS. A huge HUGE win for me, in the form of a painting they had there, that I've admired for many years now, but haven't seen for sale anyplace.
I'm talking, the Kiss by Gustav Klimit. It's such a cool picture, that I actually wrote about it in my novel.
Nice, huh? It goes well with my brown/gray/black./gold decor, but I haven't found the right spot to hang it yet. Been too busy for that. It might end up in the bedroom. Even if I can't find a place, it's still an awesome deal at $39.99 to be hung up maybe in a future home that I will someday be living in.
So, from IKEA we still had to get the bulb and the clock. I didn't find any mirrors I liked, and in the end, I choose to go without them for now. Despite cheap ass mirrors being available at IKEA for 9 bucks a piece. I thought they were ugly, with the polka dot design they had going on them.
We stopped at Best Buy, snapped up the bulb which was "coincidentally" at a lowered price, 49$ (yes for a light bulb) as opposed to the 60/70 I've seen at Home Depot, which was where I was going to go, if not for the compulsion to stop at BB instead.
Now, the clock was trickier. Since we were in South Edmonton Commons, there were a few places we could've gone to find it. It had to be a BIG clock, and it had to look good.
So, first stop was Home Outfitters. Nothing, nada. Then it was Marshalls. Nope.
But, at Bed Bath & Beyond, there was a real beauty there.
What a pretty damn clock that is. Huge, too. My mom thought the $99 price tag was too much, and was going to settle for this damn thing at a lower price:
Not a bad clock, but it was smaller, and it was cheaper and I didn't think it was good as the other one. But, since there was a store employee nearby, I grabbed her over and managed to convince her to give us a ten-percent discount. I mean, hey. It was a floor model. It looked partially damaged. I mean, heck, who would buy a floor model in such terrible shape?!?!
Heh, heh. Heh.
Could've used a 20% off coupon for an additional savings of 30% total, but I didn't have one with me. Again, fortune was on our side, since they said we could bring the coupon along with the receipt, and get the discount applied retroactively.
I also bought her the clock, telling her it was her late birthday gift. Never mind the fact that I already blew almost 400 bucks on a bracelet from Pandora and a nice photo collage/mirror frame from JYSK that she had her eye on for a while and kept forgetting to go buy.
Mom almost gave up on shopping after Home Outfitters, and rightfully so, we were both tired. But had I not insisted on going to BB&B, we wouldn't have found that clock. So, it all worked out.
From there, the big moment was to come.
She was going to come to my place and see how I decorated everything. Plus, she was going to help me make meatballs for my dinner date with Sandra at 6pm tonight.
So, she went inside my place, hardly noticing anything was amiss, until it struck her.
"Oh my God, did you CLEAN everything? Everything is so clean!"
Yes mom, I cleaned everything. Now, what about this? This? And this? I had to point out all the stuff I did there, but she did notice a few things on her own.
"Are you sure you didn't get someone to help you clean? ARE YOU SURE?!"
Yes mom, I cleaned it all myself.
She loved the way everything looked. Loved it. REALLY LOVED IT. She kept saying how proud she was and how impressed, and I kind of laughed as I left her alone to "clean" like she offered to do while I went to get groceries. There really wasn't anything to clean but the floor and a little bit of dusting, which I deliberately left for her to busy herself with.
I love my mom.
Got back, she was my sous chef and followed my directions. Rolled meatballs and chopped up a few things. Drove her back home, and rushed back, since it was 430pm and I only had an hour and a half before my date would arrive.
I rushed like mad. I was pretty much the Swedish Chef from the Muppets in that kitchen. Although not nearly as clumsy, but just as jovial, I say.
As I let the spaghetti sauce simmer, and plopped in the meatballs while baking the breaksticks; I texted Sandra to ask if she was still on track for 6pm, and hopped into the shower at quarter to six.
Got out, checked my phone and...
"Shit. My dad passed away last night."
She wasn't coming.
I looked at my dining room table, at the food, and stepped outside for a cigarette.
I remember thinking, "nothing good ever happens to me." while puffing away. Feeling dejected.
Before this, I had a moment as I was setting the table, where I thought to myself, "I wish it was Gina coming over. Not her."
I mean, look at how nice this table was set.
But, my father passed away in May, and I knew how Sandra must have been feeling. So, I texted her my condolences and asked if she wanted company.
Yep, she did.
So, packed up everything into tupperware containers and drove on over to her place. There was a cute little white poofy dog waiting for me at the door, Sandra.. and...
Her roommate, which she didn't mention as having.
I bought the food, the wine and this awesome desert from Costco.
Dinner was great. Fantastic. With the exception of how flat my breadsticks were, everything tasted delicious, as Sandra repeatedly let me know.
We talked, I told her about how I dealt with the loss of my father, and she told me about how passionate she was about working for social services. Helping the homeless, and such.
I wasn't attracted to her in the least, but I made her laugh a few times, fed her (roommate) dog a meatball, and had decent conversation.
She showed me her bedroom, I gave her some decorating tips (get a Philips Hue bulb!) and since she was up since 2am, spending most of the day in bed crying, she was tired at around 830pm and said she was going to bed.
Not a problem, I said. And gave her a nice lingering hug, with a peck on the cheek for good measure.
Left, went to Ronas since I'm thinking about building a nightstand out of crates and boards; found a cheap, good looking pot, and joked with the cashier and this other customer as I was checking out.
"You can use this as a chamberpot!" I teased the lady. "Want me to get you one? It's only $12.50!"
The other customer in line with me, noticed how awesome the pot was, and I went to help him find it, along with snaring myself a second one. He paid me a buck fifty for my trouble, which was exactly the amount I needed since I only had 25 bucks on me in cash.
Let him use his Air Miles card as I paid, and joked about how he could now afford to go for his dream vacation in Red Deer; stopped at McDonalds for a coffee, drove home, cleaned up, put the tupperware away, etc, etc.
Now, I'm in the dark basement with NO candle going, and listening to Ginas cd again.
Patience by GNR just ended, now its Glen Hasgard's "Love, don't keep me waiting".
It's been a great day. Tomorrow, I plan on taking a call at the union hall so that I can go back to work on Monday. It's a 5-10s+ night shift at Shell Scotford. Not a bad gig, since its only going to be for a month or so, or longer, with plenty of overtime and an extra $2.50 per hour since its night shift.
Money has been tight lately, since I've been blowing it on redecorating my crib.
But, its worth it. I've had a really good productive summer. Possibly, the best I've had since I was a child and fresh out of school on summer vacation. Really. The summer of 2016 (9) has been one of the best times of my life.
All thanks to Gina breaking up with me.
I know I've changed. I'm such a better person now. I'm finally back on track. And though I'm still keeping my eyes open, looking for love, and instead settling on showing a stranger a kindness by making/bringing her dinner/company during a time when she needed it most; I'm still.. believing.
I still believe good things are yet to come my way.
Gina might come back.
I might get to see her again.
Someday.
Sometime.
Somewhere.
Somehow.
I love you baby doll.
I.. hope..
Well..
I'd like to see you again, if I can.
I'd like to try with you once more.
Please believe in me, my love.
Thanks to you, I'm transformed.
You were my catalyst.
And I'll always be grateful.
Being this busy, meant that I didn't think much about Gina today. Save for one particular moment, but thats later on in the story here.
Started off with picking up my mom for a daytime shopping excursion to the grandest of furniture places.
Yeah, IKEA. Home of some real cheap ass junk (some of which happens to look pretty darn good, actually).
We had the the $1 breakfast there, totally enjoyed ourselves. Our mission at IKEA was to accomplish the following:
1) Secure myself a matching bathroom mat to complement the round one I have upstairs (also from IKEA)
2) Needed cheap ass mirrors, for my entryway.
3) Needed a new Philips Hue lightbulb for my bedroom lamp upstairs
4) Mom needed a big ol' clock for the living room
5) She also needed something to go under the new coffee table she bought (which didn't have drawers). My idea was to find a TV stand that was really short, and slide that thing under with various boxes to fit inside the empty spaces inside
We managed to accomplish 2 of the above 5 items. We got ourselves the TV bench, which was a ridiculous 20 bucks. An amazing steal, since IKEA does have some really good deals on a small portion of their merchandise.
And, I got my bathroom mat.
PLUS. A huge HUGE win for me, in the form of a painting they had there, that I've admired for many years now, but haven't seen for sale anyplace.
I'm talking, the Kiss by Gustav Klimit. It's such a cool picture, that I actually wrote about it in my novel.
Nice, huh? It goes well with my brown/gray/black./gold decor, but I haven't found the right spot to hang it yet. Been too busy for that. It might end up in the bedroom. Even if I can't find a place, it's still an awesome deal at $39.99 to be hung up maybe in a future home that I will someday be living in.
So, from IKEA we still had to get the bulb and the clock. I didn't find any mirrors I liked, and in the end, I choose to go without them for now. Despite cheap ass mirrors being available at IKEA for 9 bucks a piece. I thought they were ugly, with the polka dot design they had going on them.
We stopped at Best Buy, snapped up the bulb which was "coincidentally" at a lowered price, 49$ (yes for a light bulb) as opposed to the 60/70 I've seen at Home Depot, which was where I was going to go, if not for the compulsion to stop at BB instead.
Now, the clock was trickier. Since we were in South Edmonton Commons, there were a few places we could've gone to find it. It had to be a BIG clock, and it had to look good.
So, first stop was Home Outfitters. Nothing, nada. Then it was Marshalls. Nope.
But, at Bed Bath & Beyond, there was a real beauty there.
Not a bad clock, but it was smaller, and it was cheaper and I didn't think it was good as the other one. But, since there was a store employee nearby, I grabbed her over and managed to convince her to give us a ten-percent discount. I mean, hey. It was a floor model. It looked partially damaged. I mean, heck, who would buy a floor model in such terrible shape?!?!
Heh, heh. Heh.
Could've used a 20% off coupon for an additional savings of 30% total, but I didn't have one with me. Again, fortune was on our side, since they said we could bring the coupon along with the receipt, and get the discount applied retroactively.
I also bought her the clock, telling her it was her late birthday gift. Never mind the fact that I already blew almost 400 bucks on a bracelet from Pandora and a nice photo collage/mirror frame from JYSK that she had her eye on for a while and kept forgetting to go buy.
Mom almost gave up on shopping after Home Outfitters, and rightfully so, we were both tired. But had I not insisted on going to BB&B, we wouldn't have found that clock. So, it all worked out.
From there, the big moment was to come.
She was going to come to my place and see how I decorated everything. Plus, she was going to help me make meatballs for my dinner date with Sandra at 6pm tonight.
So, she went inside my place, hardly noticing anything was amiss, until it struck her.
"Oh my God, did you CLEAN everything? Everything is so clean!"
Yes mom, I cleaned everything. Now, what about this? This? And this? I had to point out all the stuff I did there, but she did notice a few things on her own.
"Are you sure you didn't get someone to help you clean? ARE YOU SURE?!"
Yes mom, I cleaned it all myself.
She loved the way everything looked. Loved it. REALLY LOVED IT. She kept saying how proud she was and how impressed, and I kind of laughed as I left her alone to "clean" like she offered to do while I went to get groceries. There really wasn't anything to clean but the floor and a little bit of dusting, which I deliberately left for her to busy herself with.
I love my mom.
Got back, she was my sous chef and followed my directions. Rolled meatballs and chopped up a few things. Drove her back home, and rushed back, since it was 430pm and I only had an hour and a half before my date would arrive.
I rushed like mad. I was pretty much the Swedish Chef from the Muppets in that kitchen. Although not nearly as clumsy, but just as jovial, I say.
As I let the spaghetti sauce simmer, and plopped in the meatballs while baking the breaksticks; I texted Sandra to ask if she was still on track for 6pm, and hopped into the shower at quarter to six.
Got out, checked my phone and...
"Shit. My dad passed away last night."
She wasn't coming.
I looked at my dining room table, at the food, and stepped outside for a cigarette.
I remember thinking, "nothing good ever happens to me." while puffing away. Feeling dejected.
Before this, I had a moment as I was setting the table, where I thought to myself, "I wish it was Gina coming over. Not her."
I mean, look at how nice this table was set.
But, my father passed away in May, and I knew how Sandra must have been feeling. So, I texted her my condolences and asked if she wanted company.
Yep, she did.
So, packed up everything into tupperware containers and drove on over to her place. There was a cute little white poofy dog waiting for me at the door, Sandra.. and...
Her roommate, which she didn't mention as having.
I bought the food, the wine and this awesome desert from Costco.
Dinner was great. Fantastic. With the exception of how flat my breadsticks were, everything tasted delicious, as Sandra repeatedly let me know.
We talked, I told her about how I dealt with the loss of my father, and she told me about how passionate she was about working for social services. Helping the homeless, and such.
I wasn't attracted to her in the least, but I made her laugh a few times, fed her (roommate) dog a meatball, and had decent conversation.
She showed me her bedroom, I gave her some decorating tips (get a Philips Hue bulb!) and since she was up since 2am, spending most of the day in bed crying, she was tired at around 830pm and said she was going to bed.
Not a problem, I said. And gave her a nice lingering hug, with a peck on the cheek for good measure.
Left, went to Ronas since I'm thinking about building a nightstand out of crates and boards; found a cheap, good looking pot, and joked with the cashier and this other customer as I was checking out.
"You can use this as a chamberpot!" I teased the lady. "Want me to get you one? It's only $12.50!"
The other customer in line with me, noticed how awesome the pot was, and I went to help him find it, along with snaring myself a second one. He paid me a buck fifty for my trouble, which was exactly the amount I needed since I only had 25 bucks on me in cash.
Let him use his Air Miles card as I paid, and joked about how he could now afford to go for his dream vacation in Red Deer; stopped at McDonalds for a coffee, drove home, cleaned up, put the tupperware away, etc, etc.
Now, I'm in the dark basement with NO candle going, and listening to Ginas cd again.
Patience by GNR just ended, now its Glen Hasgard's "Love, don't keep me waiting".
It's been a great day. Tomorrow, I plan on taking a call at the union hall so that I can go back to work on Monday. It's a 5-10s+ night shift at Shell Scotford. Not a bad gig, since its only going to be for a month or so, or longer, with plenty of overtime and an extra $2.50 per hour since its night shift.
Money has been tight lately, since I've been blowing it on redecorating my crib.
But, its worth it. I've had a really good productive summer. Possibly, the best I've had since I was a child and fresh out of school on summer vacation. Really. The summer of 2016 (9) has been one of the best times of my life.
All thanks to Gina breaking up with me.
I know I've changed. I'm such a better person now. I'm finally back on track. And though I'm still keeping my eyes open, looking for love, and instead settling on showing a stranger a kindness by making/bringing her dinner/company during a time when she needed it most; I'm still.. believing.
I still believe good things are yet to come my way.
Gina might come back.
I might get to see her again.
Someday.
Sometime.
Somewhere.
Somehow.
I love you baby doll.
I.. hope..
Well..
I'd like to see you again, if I can.
I'd like to try with you once more.
Please believe in me, my love.
Thanks to you, I'm transformed.
You were my catalyst.
And I'll always be grateful.
Monday, September 05, 2016
"What are you? A stand-up comedian?"
Another busy day. Got lots done.
Think I'll go off the beaten path a bit, and wax spiritual for a moment.
I'm finding myself more and more believing, that there is a benevolent force in my life. In all our lives. A force that wants us to be happy, if only we would let it.
Call it God, Allah, the Holy Spirit, Christ, the Tao, angels, ghosts, your higher self, whatever label you want to attach; I'm growing convinced that there is something out there that is helping, and wants to help.
This theory is completely in a speculative stage at the moment, with little in the way of strong compelling evidence. Right now, its somewhere on the fringe between skepticism and belief, but more towards the belief side. A subtle predisposition towards the believing end of things.
The reason I am bringing this up, has to do with coincidences. I've been experiencing a lot of small ones lately. Stuff that on their own, wouldn't seem impressive, but in small amounts over an extended period of time; well, then, that becomes something worth pondering on.
Or at least mentioning.
I'll describe two events. One of which happened today.
I was at United Furniture Warehouse, after being abandoned by my mom and stepdad who were looking for a new coffee table, but gave up after three stores. I didn't find them a good table, but I did see this awesome lamp there.
Checking the tag, it said 99 bucks.
Holy smokes, I thought, thats not a bad price.
I should probably take a picture of it so I can throw it up on the blog, but its this tall big antique looking vintage lamp that ended up looking good in my bedroom over the papason chair I've got. A perfect (and pretentious) reading lamp.
99 bucks was decent, but if I can get a deal, I will, so I brought the sales guy over and since they were advertising 30% off of lighting, I figured I'd see if he could knock it down another 30 bucks.
Nope, he says. It's already on sale.
"Oh, come on man." I half-heartedly moaned.
"Come on man, that's a good song. Been hearing a lot of that one lately." The guy replies.
Anyways, I tell him to ring it up. Whatever. A hundred bucks for something that looks like it normally sold for 250, is a good enough deal as it is.
So he inputs the item into the computer, and says there's another same one on the floor someplace. He gets up to go look, and comes back with the same lamp..
But.. It was 68 bucks.
Thirty percent off.
I was one happy broken-hearted hipster, when I found that out.
Then, coincidence #2.. I go into a McDonalds, order a coffee and two apple pies, pay for my order, and then pull up to the service window.
"Hey, sorry," the kid at the window says. "We're out of apple pies. Would you want a bagel or Danish instead?"
"Bagel?" I almost spat out. "Why didn't you tell me you were out of apple pies before I paid for it?"
The kid shrugged.
So, I then spend the next minute mulling over my choices. Was there an apple Danish? No. Nothing with apples. Curses. I settle on a carrot muffin instead. With a big frowny face.
The kid comes back with my muffin, and says they got apple pies.
"Where did you find them? On the floor?" I asked.
He laughs, and said they just started making them.
Sheesh. So, I got a free carrot muffin on top of the pies.
Another coincidence on that same day, involved me returning a ceiling fan, and walking out with a stupid cheap light fixture for my dining room. Exactly what I wanted and was looking for, but couldn't find because it wasn't on display or listed anyplace. It was 10% off, on top of a store-wide 10% (3 day sale) and the final cost? 89 bucks. Far less than the 180$ other one that I kinda sorta liked, but not really. I had to get a new fixture, since the old one was tilting weird and I took it down the day before.
So, back to a benevolent force being in the universe.
I think it's true. I think there is a force, or forces conspiring to help me. Whether its guiding me towards an item that I want at a low price; or it has me talking to a certain person at a certain time, and learning something that I had to learn at that exact moment. (Ie. the guy that installed my blinds on Friday, told me how to install the light fixture without electrocuting myself, among other bits of useful advice).
Well.. I don't know what this force is, but I realize how it operates at its maximum potential.
You simply let it do its thing.
You got to go with the flow. But, you kind of have to throw away your ego and trust a part of what I would call subtle intuition. Although that's not quite the right word to be using.
Basically, my life is out of my hands and I am on this path. Long as I stay on it, good things will happen to me.
Hard to believe, considering that I woke up this morning and within minutes starting having a couple tears go down my face.
Why? Because I was thinking about Gina waking up next to me, and me nibbling on her earlobes and neck.
She loved that.
And I loved that too, when the stripper who gave me a lapdance did it and reminded me of how good it feels.
(sighs)
It's not an easy.. thing to keep Carolyn out of my thoughts, but they.. she sticks with me throughout the day. I had.
Okay, listen to this. For the past few days, I have been beating back feelings of "hope" that we will get back together, with the mantra "I'll never see her again."
I'd repeat that whenever an urge to see/be with her comes up.
"I'll never see her again."
And, it kind of.. felt wrong, when I said that.
So, I tried something different today.
Thought of Gina's kids, and not being able to play with them.
Instead of, "I'll never see her again."
I went with, "Well, I might get to see her again."
But who knows when. If ever, right?
Still, changing the mantra from one of certainty to one of probable doubt; kind of helped me. I suppose its because I don't actually know if I'll ever see her again, maybe I will. Someday. Maybe not next month or next year, but I could possibly run into her again somewhere. Somehow. Sometime.
So, I do have to stay honest to my heart. I have to speak the truth. I can't lie, cheat or deceive myself into thinking something that is not true. Such as, "I'll never see her again."
I MIGHT see her again someday.
That is true.
Might.
It may not be likely, but its a factual statement.
And.. hope continues to smile inside of me.
I had..
(sighs)
I had a great conversation with this really pretty lady at the furniture store as I was buying bamboo sticks.
"Do you offer free delivery on those?" I pointed at the sticks.
The look on her face was priceless.
My sense of humor is all about timing and deadpan delivery, but I can only keep my poker face for so long before I start cracking up, which I did. And so did she.
"What sort of financing options do you have available? Do you do layaway?"
She laughed and smiled.. and gawd.. she was so pretty..
But the big ol' glittery ring on her finger kept me at bay.
Still, I enjoyed making her laugh, and thats when she said, "what are you? a stand up comedian?"
"No, but I could be one!"
And so it goes. I still make people laugh. I still make myself laugh. My relationships have improved dramatically from the breakup, and so many other little changes have made themselves known which I will soon blog about in more detail.
My mom is coming by tomorrow, to check out my place for the first time in months.
She is going to flip once she sees what I've done.
My two months stay-cation, is going to present the fruits of my labour.
My house looks amazing now.
It's honestly beautiful.
I'll be taking pictures, as well as describing how my mom will react.
Can't wait.
Good night blog.
...
Good night Georgina...
Still love you very much.
But this is how it has to be.
For now.
I might get to see you again someday.
I might.
I hope.
Think I'll go off the beaten path a bit, and wax spiritual for a moment.
I'm finding myself more and more believing, that there is a benevolent force in my life. In all our lives. A force that wants us to be happy, if only we would let it.
Call it God, Allah, the Holy Spirit, Christ, the Tao, angels, ghosts, your higher self, whatever label you want to attach; I'm growing convinced that there is something out there that is helping, and wants to help.
This theory is completely in a speculative stage at the moment, with little in the way of strong compelling evidence. Right now, its somewhere on the fringe between skepticism and belief, but more towards the belief side. A subtle predisposition towards the believing end of things.
The reason I am bringing this up, has to do with coincidences. I've been experiencing a lot of small ones lately. Stuff that on their own, wouldn't seem impressive, but in small amounts over an extended period of time; well, then, that becomes something worth pondering on.
Or at least mentioning.
I'll describe two events. One of which happened today.
I was at United Furniture Warehouse, after being abandoned by my mom and stepdad who were looking for a new coffee table, but gave up after three stores. I didn't find them a good table, but I did see this awesome lamp there.
Checking the tag, it said 99 bucks.
Holy smokes, I thought, thats not a bad price.
I should probably take a picture of it so I can throw it up on the blog, but its this tall big antique looking vintage lamp that ended up looking good in my bedroom over the papason chair I've got. A perfect (and pretentious) reading lamp.
99 bucks was decent, but if I can get a deal, I will, so I brought the sales guy over and since they were advertising 30% off of lighting, I figured I'd see if he could knock it down another 30 bucks.
Nope, he says. It's already on sale.
"Oh, come on man." I half-heartedly moaned.
"Come on man, that's a good song. Been hearing a lot of that one lately." The guy replies.
Anyways, I tell him to ring it up. Whatever. A hundred bucks for something that looks like it normally sold for 250, is a good enough deal as it is.
So he inputs the item into the computer, and says there's another same one on the floor someplace. He gets up to go look, and comes back with the same lamp..
But.. It was 68 bucks.
Thirty percent off.
I was one happy broken-hearted hipster, when I found that out.
Then, coincidence #2.. I go into a McDonalds, order a coffee and two apple pies, pay for my order, and then pull up to the service window.
"Hey, sorry," the kid at the window says. "We're out of apple pies. Would you want a bagel or Danish instead?"
"Bagel?" I almost spat out. "Why didn't you tell me you were out of apple pies before I paid for it?"
The kid shrugged.
So, I then spend the next minute mulling over my choices. Was there an apple Danish? No. Nothing with apples. Curses. I settle on a carrot muffin instead. With a big frowny face.
The kid comes back with my muffin, and says they got apple pies.
"Where did you find them? On the floor?" I asked.
He laughs, and said they just started making them.
Sheesh. So, I got a free carrot muffin on top of the pies.
Another coincidence on that same day, involved me returning a ceiling fan, and walking out with a stupid cheap light fixture for my dining room. Exactly what I wanted and was looking for, but couldn't find because it wasn't on display or listed anyplace. It was 10% off, on top of a store-wide 10% (3 day sale) and the final cost? 89 bucks. Far less than the 180$ other one that I kinda sorta liked, but not really. I had to get a new fixture, since the old one was tilting weird and I took it down the day before.
So, back to a benevolent force being in the universe.
I think it's true. I think there is a force, or forces conspiring to help me. Whether its guiding me towards an item that I want at a low price; or it has me talking to a certain person at a certain time, and learning something that I had to learn at that exact moment. (Ie. the guy that installed my blinds on Friday, told me how to install the light fixture without electrocuting myself, among other bits of useful advice).
Well.. I don't know what this force is, but I realize how it operates at its maximum potential.
You simply let it do its thing.
You got to go with the flow. But, you kind of have to throw away your ego and trust a part of what I would call subtle intuition. Although that's not quite the right word to be using.
Basically, my life is out of my hands and I am on this path. Long as I stay on it, good things will happen to me.
Hard to believe, considering that I woke up this morning and within minutes starting having a couple tears go down my face.
Why? Because I was thinking about Gina waking up next to me, and me nibbling on her earlobes and neck.
She loved that.
And I loved that too, when the stripper who gave me a lapdance did it and reminded me of how good it feels.
(sighs)
It's not an easy.. thing to keep Carolyn out of my thoughts, but they.. she sticks with me throughout the day. I had.
Okay, listen to this. For the past few days, I have been beating back feelings of "hope" that we will get back together, with the mantra "I'll never see her again."
I'd repeat that whenever an urge to see/be with her comes up.
"I'll never see her again."
And, it kind of.. felt wrong, when I said that.
So, I tried something different today.
Thought of Gina's kids, and not being able to play with them.
Instead of, "I'll never see her again."
I went with, "Well, I might get to see her again."
But who knows when. If ever, right?
Still, changing the mantra from one of certainty to one of probable doubt; kind of helped me. I suppose its because I don't actually know if I'll ever see her again, maybe I will. Someday. Maybe not next month or next year, but I could possibly run into her again somewhere. Somehow. Sometime.
So, I do have to stay honest to my heart. I have to speak the truth. I can't lie, cheat or deceive myself into thinking something that is not true. Such as, "I'll never see her again."
I MIGHT see her again someday.
That is true.
Might.
It may not be likely, but its a factual statement.
And.. hope continues to smile inside of me.
I had..
(sighs)
I had a great conversation with this really pretty lady at the furniture store as I was buying bamboo sticks.
"Do you offer free delivery on those?" I pointed at the sticks.
The look on her face was priceless.
My sense of humor is all about timing and deadpan delivery, but I can only keep my poker face for so long before I start cracking up, which I did. And so did she.
"What sort of financing options do you have available? Do you do layaway?"
She laughed and smiled.. and gawd.. she was so pretty..
But the big ol' glittery ring on her finger kept me at bay.
Still, I enjoyed making her laugh, and thats when she said, "what are you? a stand up comedian?"
"No, but I could be one!"
And so it goes. I still make people laugh. I still make myself laugh. My relationships have improved dramatically from the breakup, and so many other little changes have made themselves known which I will soon blog about in more detail.
My mom is coming by tomorrow, to check out my place for the first time in months.
She is going to flip once she sees what I've done.
My two months stay-cation, is going to present the fruits of my labour.
My house looks amazing now.
It's honestly beautiful.
I'll be taking pictures, as well as describing how my mom will react.
Can't wait.
Good night blog.
...
Good night Georgina...
Still love you very much.
But this is how it has to be.
For now.
I might get to see you again someday.
I might.
I hope.
Sunday, September 04, 2016
1904
Life..(sighs) Life is like a box of..
Oh, never mind. Cliches are worthless without context, so let me provide it first.
Its been a busy past few days. As usual, I'm bleeding out my bank account spending money on things to improve my home with. There's this strange compulsion for me to improve my home, and my life, that I'm really quite.. fascinated by. I know I shouldn't be buying anything, being that I am 23,000$ in debt right now; but, it feels like something I absolutely have to do.
Thinking about this behavior, I came up with a few justifications and reasons why it has happened ever since Gina broke up with me.
Yes, I am still thinking about her. Yesterday marked the first week since I sent her that email, to which she did not respond towards.
As I pretty much expected of her. She's a coward for breaking up with me through text, and an idiot for not taking my email and feelings seriously.
Then again, its not easy to believe "words" when they are written, and not spoken to the recipient in person.
Boy, have I changed. A LOT. For the better. As bad as I've been hurting, and as much as I have been thinking about her; Gina breaking up with me, has been the best thing that has happened to me in the past.. sheesh.. Well, a long long time. Years. Possibly a decade and a half.
How do you convince someone you've "changed"? How do you let them know that you truly love them, and that you're a different person because of them? A better person?
How do you convince someone that... you've transformed?
Not through words.
Through action, I suppose. But I have no way of demonstrating action. I said I wouldn't contact Gina again, and I meant it. I can't drop anything off at her home and work, and I meant that too.
Not going to mail anything either. Not going to hang around under her bedroom window and serenade her with a guitar.
Nope.
So, to cover the past few days, it's a bit tricky. A lot of little things happened that add up to big things, but its difficult knowing how to convey all that. And to piece everything together, being that I've taken some time away from updating this blog.
I was proud of myself on Thursday, for not having cried once over Gina, but that was short-lived as I woke up inexplicably at 5:15am the next day, and while brushing my teeth, I thought of her son Cole.
That brief thought of not being able to meet or play with him, really cut me deep.
In the "feels", as some would say.
That little thought of not being able to meet her children, it triggered this.. reluctant.. hmm.. well, I had a tear sneak out of my eye. But it wasn't really "crying" or bawling, or anything like that. Just this.. moment of intense sadness. A brief moment, anyways.
I had another situation like this.. hmm, two situations at least, on Friday where I would be doing something like.. Well, I was working on something and this... dark cloud appeared. This wave of futility came in, and slammed right into me.
I was doing something productive in the garage, and when this wave hit, I had to lay my head down on the chair I was stringing solar lights through. I had to lay my head down and let it pass.
What triggered it? I don't know. But it was definitely Gina/relationship related.
And it bothers me to keep having these moments. Its been over two months since I've seen her last. But at the same time, I don't.. won't.. shouldn't forget about her so that I can "move" on.
I don't want to "move" on. I don't want to forget her.
She's still the love of my life.
Nothing compares to u, babe.
As the song in my ears is playing, the lyrics are saying, "let loss reveal it" .. that's Florence and the Machine, St. Jude.
Yep. In a dark basement again, playing her cd, sipping on Bob Marley iced tea..
Poetic. That's what my life has been these past few months. Absolutely, tragically and beautifully poetic.
There's.. a rhyme and reason for everything. An ebb and flow. And I find that when I flow along, I am still able to hold onto myself. To really feel my feelings, both good and bad. Its when I resist this current that is pulling me along, is when I kind of.. give up. Or.. I get more depressed.
That's something I've learned over all the years and the shitty relationships I've been in, and all of the personal crises I've had.
Just.. let go. Go along with wherever life takes you.
And do it without complaint. Endure it. Follow the honesty of your feelings to wherever they may lead you.
That's what I've learned. And I'm putting this lesson to good practice at the moment. Through both the good and bad.
I.. had to.. kind of chant this mantra to myself yesterday and today, which I don't like. But had to, because hope is a tenacious beast.
I had to.. Well..
I don't even like writing it.
"I'll never see her again."
That's what I was repeating. I'll never see Gina again.
I hate it.
I don't want to .. lie.. because I'm not sure if that's true or not.
Maybe I will someday be proved wrong. Maybe I will see her again.
But, I shouldn't count on it. I can't live my life based on what may or may not be false hope.
Hope by itself, is useless. Hope basically means, "I wish for *this* to come true" whether its a situation, a relationship, having lots of money, being able to raise good kids, having your dreams come true.. Whatever you direct "hope" towards, is generally kind of useless, I'd think.
Hope again, by itself, is useless.
The two most important things I find myself holding onto, is faith and desire.
Faith is kind of similar to hope, but the difference between those two words, has to do with intention.
Hope is basically a demand for something in particular that you wish to have come true. Whereas faith, is the belief that..
I'll have to think about this for a moment.
Faith doesn't mean you need to believe in a God, or Gods, or... even in the ability of yourself. That's confidence, not faith.
Faith.. hmmm.. I'm pretty sure the dictionary definition of it is quite contrary to what I think the word actually means, so I'm going to look it up anyways just to make sure.
1. A strong belief in a supernatural power of powers that control human destiny
2. Complete confidence in a person or plan
3. An insituation to express belief in a divine power
4. Loyalty or allegiance to a cause or a person
Very interesting. Four different possible variations of the word "faith", and they aren't really bad definitions either.
But, what I think faith is? Hmm..
To me, faith would fall more in line with #2. Complete confidence in a person or plan.
But, without the "person" part. I think.
Complete confidence in a plan.
Yeah.. that sounds about right.
I believe we each have our own destinies to fulfill while on this planet. I believe there is some sort of plan for each individual out of the billions that are all on this spinning ball of dirt flying through the galaxy like a dinner plate, holding itself and its inhabitants steady as we rocket through the cosmos.
Complete confidence in a plan.. Well, even that doesn't quite sound right to me. I don't have complete confidence in a plan, but I do have confidence in a plan.
Skeptical confidence, I suppose you could say.
So, yeah.. Faith and desire.. Those are the two most important qualities for any human being to have. Desire enables action, whereas faith brings purpose from which desire is born. And so, the cycle loops onto itself. The more actions you take, the more faith you should have. Provided that you are following on the "plan" that having "faith" involves believing in.
Now, the "plan" is tricky also, to correctly define. And there will probably be no correct definition towards what I mean, in this particular instance.
Is there a plan for everyone? Who knows. Wouldn't that be a logistical nightmare?
Only if you're thinking in human terms, it would be.
I'm feeling like we are living in a kind of game. Something that is entertaining an audience that we cannot see. But an audience that is able to direct actors around, and cause events to happen in subtle and sometimes not so subtle ways.
And that is what we are, simply actors upon a stage, playing the role that we were given to at birth.
Should we die before the age of one, or live to be a hundred; we are each following a plan, a role, that like tossing a pebble into a calm pool of water, would cause a ripple and a chain reaction that will then in turn, affect not just ourselves, but many many more others.
Even just locking yourself up inside the house, can affect profound change as much as going out and being active would do the same.
Think about it. Driving somewhere, just having our car on the road, could mean that someone will have an accident that we are indirectly responsible for.
That little bit of time we lingered on making a right turn, could have prevented the guy behind us from having an accident had we not delayed him by a few seconds.
You never know. A few seconds may not seem like much, but it does change things. Its not just physical intervention either, but thoughtful intervention also. What I mean, is that perhaps by lingering at the right turn; we may subtly annoy the person behind us. And that little feeling of annoyance, could lead to something else. A change in that person's behavior can cause many other possibilities to happen.
There are so many variables to consider, that I don't think we can truly appreciate that saying, "the flap of the wings of a butterfly, can cause a hurricane on the other side of the planet."
Or something like that. I'm only paraphrasing.
Anyways.. I am the master of tangents.
Got my first lapdance today. Justin paid for it, and.. wow.. I was..
Elated.
I had a big grin on my face. I loved it. I loved having a beautiful girl (who loves to read! who has a bachelor in English literature!) grind all over my lap and push her boobs in my face.
Loved it.
But, at the end, this.. depressing realization came in. That I wished I had a girlfriend who would do something like that for me. And the realization that I was just another.. wallet, to this woman, who she may have only "pretended" to be nice towards, so that she would part me from my money.
So, basically I was a victim of a lie, I guess. An illusion.
But, thats okay. For that brief moment, I was able to indulge in the fantasy of..
Well, whatever the fantasy is. I don't think I really know what it is. Having a beautiful girlfriend grind all over me like that?
I honestly would rather have had Gina do it to me instead. It.. It would've been just as good, if not more so.
She may not be able to flip herself upside down off of a pole to wiggle her ass in my face, or to flex each butt muscle separately, but at least I know Gina would do it not for money, but because she loves/wants me to be happy.
And, that to me, is the ultimate aphrodisiac. At least as far as what a woman can provide.
The most beautiful woman, naked and grinding away on my lap doesn't have a good feeling to it, when you know what that person is motivated by.
Money. Greed.
Certainly not compassion. Or lust.
She didn't do it because she liked me, or wanted to have sex.
She did it for money.
And that's quite a depressing realization to have. Which is why I don't think I'll ever get another lapdance from anyone again, unless the person is absolutely special.
I didn't want one from this girl either, at first, but talking to her and finding out how "real" she is (she reads books! she loves food!); and with Justin offering to pay for the dance, and my never having one before.. Well, all the stars lined up and the gun got fired.
Mm.. Speaking of guns getting fired.. I didn't have much of an erection while this was happening, but I did have a semi going.
I was blushing pretty hard too, with a grin on my face.
Sheesh. I'm almost 40 and I still blush. She even pointed it out.
(sighs)
Gina.. you beautiful idiot.
Come back to me baby doll.
Please.
I want you.
I need you.
I..
Boy, this wound is going to be a tough one to heal.
Driving by Edos today (oh Gina loves their food), driving by Staples (oh, Gina bought me printer ink from there once and said she loves the store), driving by Montanas (oh, we shared an awesome grilled cookie dessert there)..
It's ridiculous. Every little thing reminds me of her.
I even put food into the fridge right after cooking/eating, just because she told me how fast bacteria can accumulate on food that is left around for too long. And that I'd have to let it cool off before storing, so that the temperature of the food doesn't change the temperature of whats inside the fridge.
So..
Many..
Thoughts...
Of...
Her..
I have to pee. My life.. my plan.. is being followed.
*THAT* I have faith in.
There's still so much for me to say. Justin confessed a few things to me..
But.. I think I wrote enough for today. I can't just.. keep typing and typing...
I have a life to live.
And a path to follow.
And a heart to protect.
And a smile to give, to anyone who deserves one.
Most people do.
Good night my sweet blog. Mmmwah! *kiss* I really do enjoy writing on here. But, it does wear on me sometimes. Especially with long posts, and especially if I go days without posting and miss out on a lot of things I'd like to write about, but haven't the energy for.
(yes, I will be doing a post listing all of the changes I've experienced, as well as explaining them as best as I can)
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