Fortress without Solitude

Booming footsteps are coming from next door to me. There is no peace in this place. Constant noise, constant interruptions, can't get a moment to think, to be silent, to meditate and pray.

No peace.

How I miss my old Fortress of Solitude. Where I could sit in a bath in the dark with a book and some music and forget the world exists. Diving deep into myself and feeling content and safe and without prying eyes to see or know what it is that I am doing.

I still remember how when my mother said, "I need to keep an eye on you" when I had to move in with her. The tone of her voice communicated something dark within her. A not wanting of letting me go and being my own man. Every big decision I was considering seemed to not win her approval.

There are dark forces in this world and many don't realize that they harbor these Satanic intelligences within them. I know, because I too had to deal with these powers. They do exist. They are interested in feeding off of our light, causing problems and fostering doubt, confused and passing that confusion onto others. 

Whether they realize it or not, that is what these spirits do.

As I said in my last post, I wish I would have known all these things years ago. I had a gut-knowing but there was still that uncertainty lingering. I couldn't fully believe there were these external invisible intelligences whose purpose is to lead mankind astray.

And I didn't think that such forces would be inside of people, either. I mean... I know there are evil people out there but it didn't occur to me there was an agenda beneath their exterior that wasn't quite their own. That they unconsciously expressed darkness even when they appeared as normal human beings.

I've come closer to realizing why we are here and what we need to do. We are here to keep the light alive within us, to pass it onto others, to nurture and protect this innocent child-like spirit within ourselves from those who do not have it within them. 

We are to follow our passions, that which gives us life and light and build upon those energies so we can give them to the world. So we can nourish ourselves and others. That is the role of an introvert. To give without expectation of a reward. To share the bounties of their treasures to those that appreciate them.

And not to throw pearls before swine, of which there are many.

How I wish I knew all these things years ago. To keep to myself. Guarding against the darkness. 

Welcoming only that which adds rather than subtracts to my life.

To not succumb to whims and urges and lusts. To exercise discipline, maintain honor, keep my self-respect and my passions alive.

That is what I was filled with. Passion. I had so much of myself to give that it felt overflowing.

And there were people who wanted to take as much of it as they could for themselves.

I've done so much studying and learning that I forgot the most important part of the process.

Application. Knowledge without application is useless.

To be fair, I did not learn the most important lessons prior to my mistakes. I do not recall coming across certain Gnostic ideas and truths prior to my needing to apply them.

It was after I lost everything that I sought the most important truths.

I don't know if I would have found them otherwise. 

It is hard to build up my life-force energy in this place. Impossible I would say. There is nothing here other than Princess who adds to it and makes me feel a little better. I don't cook my own food, I don't buy my own groceries, I don't care about any of the decorations here or keeping the place clean because it feels like I'm living in someone else's home. 

And I am.

My home is with God. My heart belongs to that which is on the side of goodness, truth, beauty, compassion, justice, prosperity and freedom.

That is what I call God, anyways.

Not what is in the Old Testament. A God that was looking to kill Moses for whatever reason but stopped once his wife chopped off their son's foreskin and threw the bleeding part onto his feet.

Absolutely ridiculous what the Old Testament has in it. So many examples of absurd behavior. So many instances of murder being supported by Yahweh despite what he commanded against.

And people like Cain who murdered his brother Abel seems to be allowed to walk off without punishment. That's how you know the God of the Old Testament isn't the one we should be supporting.

The God that flooded the world. That destroyed cities. That commanded circumcision. 

The God that allowed for Job to be humiliated and defeated, killing his servants in order to prove a point to the "devil" that Job would love him no matter what. And guess what? Job didn't love God towards the end of the book despite having his fortunes restored. He cursed Yahweh. 

And rightfully so. What kind of loving being would punish his most loyal follower just to prove a point? It's also curious how a portion of text is missing from the beginning part of this entire story where "Satan" enters the picture. 

I am thinking that we have been lied towards. 

The Old Testament is an inversion. A story about ONE God who is named Yahweh that has been given dominion over the Israelites. A God of murder and jealousy and rage and pettiness.

40 years of wandering in the desert looking for the promised land and starving along the way. Forty years! What a testament to the faith of those who followed Moses out of Egypt. Wandering for forty YEARS and then "God" gets mad at them for complaining when they couldn't find food or water.

Even 20 years is too much. 10 years.

Israel Anderson is an interesting commentator on YouTube who pointed out how sick the Exodus really was. How hateful God must have been to command a 40 year journey of suffering and starvation.

On Twitter I am noticing some of my ideas and observations are being echoed by other people. That's good. We need to wake up to the nonsense of the Old Testament and realize that it should never have been placed next to the New Testament.

There would be questions for Christians of course, as to how the world began which Genesis describes for us but it would be better to separate those two books.

And create a New Testament with the "missing" gospels restored to them. Such as Enoch. Gospel of Thomas. Apocryphon of John.

And whatever else is hidden in the library of the Vatican.

For someone like myself who spent most of the years of his life remembering to pray each night, I have very little to show for any of it. I used to think that I had trusted God more than I trusted myself. 

Now I'm not praying nearly as much. Although I still do. 

I want my light back. I want my soul restored. 

I want my solitude and peace. Surrounded by nature. Feeling the warm sun on my skin.

Clean water. Clean food. Clean air.

It seems that the more I research the Gnostic texts and read the Bible with a critical eye, the more I am realizing that it isn't God we should be petitioning to for help. God should not be externalized and thought to be a deity of independent thought. Perhaps He is as such, but he does not appear to be operating in our realm if Yeshua had told us who the true ruler of this world is in 2 Corinthians 4:4,

"In their case, the god of this world has blinded the minds of the unbelievers, to keep them from seeing the light of the gospel of the glory of Christ, who is the image of God."

Blinded the minds of the unbelievers. Those who do not seek truth. 

Christ... being the image of God, well... Jesus did say that "I and the Father are one"

In alignment is what he means. Not that he was God himself.

I think this is the occulted Truth we must all embrace. We are the sons and daughters of God. We can be in alignment with Him/It as Yeshua was. The way to the Father is through him, which means to follow the path that he has laid out for us. To walk in truth, to keep seeking until we find.

How I desperately want to follow the example he's set for us. If only they didn't mess around with the Bible as much as they did because not everything in the New Testament is correct and makes sense, either.

But it at least makes more sense than the Old Testament does.

So I'm tired of all this, really I am. I just want myself to be back to the way I was.

I have all of this information in my head and no way of applying any of it. Came so close with my investments. Literally hours away from financial freedom had I kept my discipline to the last most crucial moment.

It's hard to believe at times the trajectory my life took from that moment on. 

There's not much left that I care about these days. Not food, not sex, not even money really even though I have been asking for a large sum of it.

I guess I care about where I'm going after this life is over. 

Am I in full alignment with the Creator? No, I don't think so. I want to be but I can't exercise the opportunity given this situation I am in. It's like having a wound that is constantly bleeding and never heals. I can't give much importance to anything else other than that and even that I'm caring about less and less.

One of the principle ideas behind the Gnostic belief system is embodied by the Cathars who were eradicated by Pope Innocent III. The idea is asceticism. Do not give in to gluttony, materialism, excess, greed, impulsiveness. I feel like all that has been rejected. I no longer care about finding cool stuff in thrift shops, don't care about the food I eat, don't feel impulsive like I used to.

Some might say its depression that is causing all of that. I see it more like a stripping away of all that isn't me. That should never have been a part of me to begin with.

On the other hand, the little things did make me happy. To impulsively decide to go out on a sunny day to an isolated lake. To browse through a thrift shop to find an odd and unusual item at a good price. 

But ultimately I should have been happy with just myself and my thoughts. 

And for the most part, I was.

I don't really know what to apologize for or why I am writing all of this. Just laying my thoughts down and seeing what comes of it. Feeling empty and without concern for the future because the future honestly looks bleak for most of Western civilization.

What I wouldn't give to be able to go back in time to the year 2016. Knowing what I know now.

I would've liked to start a movie theater in Vilcabamba. I'm good with picking the right kind of movies for people to expand their consciousness with. Dark City, Baraka, The Adjustment Bureau, Interstellar, Inception...

I'm good with picking out books too.

But... I guess none of that matters at this point. I can have those dreams but I see no way of moving towards them without some kind of miracle taking place.

The prayer of desperation is one that I want to avoid but I still sometimes do it. 

In all Truth, it seems that each of us are Gods and we shouldn't externalize or give away our personal power to anyone else who we cannot verify a mutual and loving connection with.

It's soon reaching the point where there is nothing on the phone or on YouTube to preoccupy myself with. I have all of these hours of the day and no interest in doing anything with it.

I feel like today was a glimpse into it. That's why I'm writing. There's not much online for me to be interested in.

I would give anything to be in Vilcabamba right now.

Almost anything.

Except my soul. 

My life is already not my own.

I'm tired. 

So tired of all this.

Make it stop.

Thomas the Contender

There is so much wisdom contained in the old Gnostic texts that I wish I had learned about before all of the mistakes I've made in my life.

I'm listening to a video discussing a little known book found in Nag Hammadi called "Thomas the Contender" in which a dialogue takes place on the nature of Truth, lust and the restraining of impulse.

It saddens me that such information comes after the fact. That I did not establish a strong enough moral compass prior to my last relationship where I felt my spirit being taken from me by someone who held no regard for Truth and abiding by moral standards.

I tried leaving her multiple times. I sometimes wonder what my life would've been had I walked away for good the first time I left and not looked back but she begged to come see me and persuade me to try again.

In my heart, I was conflicted. I was rejected multiple times in past relationships and understood well the hurt that comes from that. I didn't want to inflict that feeling upon my ex. I didn't want her to curl up next to a laundry machine in a dark basement, taking three days off of work because of how despondent she would have felt.

What I didn't realize at the time that it wasn't my duty to please the whims of another when my head screamed against me to not go further with that relationship. She was married, had a child, persuaded her husband into having an open relationship, wasn't interested in commitment, kept breaking promises, strung me along with thoughts of moving in together, presented herself in a deceptive way and eventually took me for granted until I once again threatened to leave. After which she would re-appear again and beg to be taken back.

I learned my lessons now but I wish I had learned them then. 

My life would be radically different now. More focus on myself. Less conflict and drama and I would've retained my spirit. My happiness and faith.

Instead, I was persuaded by lust and a soul connection unlike any I have ever experienced before in my life. I did not know why our chemistry was the way it was. How easy it was. How comfortable.

That was what prompted me to overlook most of the red flags because I believed in the potential of us.

Predictably, it was doomed from the start. 

The Contender of Thomas is a fascinating read. It is a dialogue between the resurrected Jesus and his twin brother Judas Thomas. 

Thomas the Contender

It bothers me that I grew up without a mentor in my life. My father didn't search to teach me anything of value despite the many skills he accumulated. My mother was similar. Neither parent seemed interested in passing down their knowledge to me. Neither had any real spiritual knowledge as my father was an atheist and my mother had never read the Bible or any other religious text.

Even without religion, neither parent had seemed to acquire any deep spiritual truths worthy of being passed down. If they did, they kept it to themselves or were uninterested and unaware of such things.

Both parents were largely distrustful of people. My mother cared more about money while my dad seemed to be more about holding onto his self-respect. Both are curious creatures and I still cannot understand how they came together to marry due to how different each of their personalities were.

I didn't grow up in a household where love was prioritized and demonstrated. It created a thirst within me and helps to explain why it was something I chased after for most of the years of my life. Wanting that perfect relationship with someone who not only accepted me fully but encouraged me to develop and expand my potential. To reach greater heights.

It's a shame how many other children growing up do not have adequate mentors of their own. It's taken me this long to realize how important such figures are in each of our lives. My "mentors" were Trent Reznor and Kurt Cobain growing up. Neither of those men offered much to better my life with either. 

No wonder that for a number of years I had thought it was important to have a real "career counsellor" for young adults growing up. Not someone who hands you a quiz of questions and suggests one gets into welding or fashion design, but an experienced adult with compassion and empathy enough to really get to understanding the personality of a child and to identify their strengths and weaknesses enough to guide them in the right direction.

So many of the problems in our world comes from this lack of mentorship. Children raised in single-parent households or kids whose parents are disinterested and stressed.

But I understand all that now. How important it is to take a strong interest in our children's development. Not just on the educational level but on the level of the spirit and the soul and the spark they contain within themselves.

This world is designed to snuff out that spark of the divine. Children are corrupted early so that they do not nurture their imagination and faith and curiosity. They are not given advice that is without bias or rooted in ignorance. They are not encouraged to ask the hard questions of life and given honest answers as a result.

It is easy for me to point my finger and place blame on that which I feel has held me back and stunted my growth. I know that ultimately it came down to my own decisions rather than the influences and desires of others. 

But, I do place blame where it is warranted.

A child who is kept in ignorance may take decades to pull themselves out and to fully educate themselves through trial and error. Many grown adults today are still making mistakes that should have been known about and understood in their early 20s. 

So much harm and trauma could have been prevented if a compassionate and intelligent mentor was provided to a child growing up. Whether it is a parent, a teacher or someone who's interests align with their own.

No one encouraged me to write, growing up. No one encouraged my creativity or taught me how valuable it was. No one sat me down to teach me about the role of men and women and to express how important it is that we hold our self-respect above all temptations that come our way.

It is in the religious books. Fragments here and there of such lessons but it is not until we apply those lessons and principles or to see them being embodied by someone that we can begin to understand their importance. 

The problem also is a lack of distilled wisdom. There are many figures out there who have differing opinions on what life is about and how a man or a woman should conduct themselves. Few of these public figures present a simplistic set of rules and laws to live by with the exception of some like Jordan Peterson who wrote 12 Rules for Life that I thought was excellently done.

I'm... in my 40s and it only feels like now I'm learning about things that I should have known decades ago.

The most important lesson of all is to develop and operate from an unambiguous moral foundation and code. To ask: "does this benefit or hinder me?" and to be able to make hard decisions such as walking away from those that undermine your faith and self-respect. To have the understanding that our own spirit and well-being comes first before any other. 

With the exception of our own children, I suppose. Every parent inherits the responsibility of ensuring their well-being above their own in many cases.

I'm glad I don't have any children to worry about and be responsible for.

Perhaps if I was in a stable and loving relationship and financially secure, I would want kids but not in this day and age. 

Which is why I am realizing during my reading of Thomas the Contender that perhaps Jesus really didn't have any children although it would've been extremely unusual if he was not married with kids by the time he was 20 in the era he lived in.

So much has been hidden from us. There are so many shades of the same color that we need a return to simplistic wisdom that stands the test of time. That is easily understood, without religious allegiance and can be universally applied.

One of the "promises" I've made to myself and to God is that I would write such a book. The New Bible of Man where a simple wisdom could be gathered and contained for younger adults to understand and apply in their lives. 

Everything from tying a tie to starting a fire to interacting with women and bettering oneself physically, spiritually, emotionally, mentally would be listed out in an easy to understand way.

It would be the "go to" book for the dispossessed young and the old.

Boys without a father. Grown men without direction in their lives.

It would feature not only practical tips, diagrams and facts but anecdotes from real men who apply some of the principles contained in the book. "What is the most valuable thing you've learned about being in a relationship" would be one of the questions and a list of answers provided.

The Bible as we have it today, does not provide all of the essential spiritual wisdom we need. There is much missing, as we know with the Book of Enoch, Thomas the Contender and others.

My life feels like a failure at this point. Objectively, that is exactly what it appears like. 

Should some miracle be afforded towards me that can restore to me a second chance, this book is what I will pursue. 

I dream of living in a place like Vilcabamba, Ecuador where I would have time to compile and write such a book. A book that I myself would want to read in my younger adult years.

What is there to keep me from working on such a book right now?

I want reciprocation for the faith I have given God in the past. I want a sign that tells me this is the correct way to go. I want, need, desire and demand a miracle.

I deserve one at this point.

So many of us deserve a spiritual blessing at least once in their lives.

I feel stuck right now. Living in Edmonton with my mother is like having two radio stations playing at the same time that is displeasing and difficult for my soul to exist within. The song that comes from me does not match either of those noises that I hear. Trapped in a prison within a prison being subjected to dissonant frequencies day and night. Unable to escape. 

No purpose in life. No reason to get up in the morning. Nothing to dream for.

Except intervention.

Except a miracle.

I have been beaten down far enough. 

I know who I am. A student and a teacher.

I know what I want to do and accomplish.

But I want to first know that something up there is listening or reading those words of mine. 

My life is already forfeit. I see no reason to hold onto it other than for this miracle to appear.

Because then I will know that a wisdom greater than my own has compassion enough to want to steer me in the correct direction.

To be the mentor and inspiration I've always needed.

I am here to learn.

Now I wish to apply.

Give me strength Yeshua.

Give me hope.

I've already renounced the world.

No Real Point

 It's tiring. I can't think of what to do be doing with my life. 

Well, that isn't true. If money was unlimited or if I had at least 300k, I'd know what to do.

Get out of this place. No more freezing winters. No more paying for heat or air conditioning. Eating food from the land. Making new friends and acquaintances. Learning Spanish and adjusting to a new culture.

Swinging on my hammock. Reading books. Writing. Listening to podcasts and keeping my body in good shape and health.

Watch the stars at night. Pray in the mornings as the sun rises.

Get in touch with my spirit and soul and cultivate the light within.

All wonderful ideas. A wonderful sounding life. Maybe I would meet a woman that complements me, maybe I'll be lonely after awhile and feel isolated.

But I know this much, the pros outweigh the cons to be moving to a new country where English isn't the main language. I'm thinking Ecuador. Perfect temperatures year-round. The rain season might be annoying for awhile but I'm sure I would like it. Free showers outside without having to pay for water.

It's another day of nothing. Get up from my bed after spending an hour or so awake trying to remember my dreams and communicate with the other side in a hypnogogic state. Hoping and praying and wishing and asking.

Maybe it's not the right approach but honestly, I don't know what would be.

How does one get to having a large sum of money come all at once? Because that is the miracle I have been asking for and need.

Earlier I watched Billy Carson on a podcast with Ralph Smart. I don't agree with some of his views but a number of the things he said makes a lot of sense. Don't hope for a savior. Be your own savior. Be your own God.

It is somewhat blasphemous to promote that view because from my observations, the mainstream media and news and entertainment want exactly for that to happen. The destruction of a Christian worldview and God out of our lives.

I know that I am skeptical with the Yahweh described in the Old Testament and rightfully so. That's not the kind of God I would expect or want to have ruling over this world. A God that demands animal sacrifices, circumcisions and orders people to murder in his name while drowning the entire planet with a great flood save for Noah and his family.

I've long believed there was more to God than what we are told.

And we are not told the truth of what that is, either. All those religions of ours. All those variations and interpretations and theories. I read briefly from a book by Mark Booth called The Secret History of the World and his interpretation of the Garden of Eden is all allegorical. The 12 Apostles were the signs of the Zodiac. The 7 trumpets and seals of Revelation are all about opening the 7 chakras and so on and so forth. A completely abstract explanation of what many of us have been taken as literal.

Its impressive that the Bible can lend itself to so many interpretations. So much coded meaning and symbolism that it can mean several different things.

The short of it is that we don't really know whether the Bible is allegorical or literal or a combination of both. The Old Testament reads in a particular way while the New Testament is almost an entirely different book with very loose connections to the OT. For whatever reason both are presented side-by-side.

I suppose we can thank Constantine and the Council of Nicea for that.

Or whoever it was that decided to put the OT/NT together in one book.

Anyways...

I heard from Tyler earlier today and we had a brief exchange through text. He's starting a fast for the first time and shared some of what he's been going through lately. He's the one who recommended the Booth book that I referenced earlier.

Again... I'm pretty tired of all this. Sitting on the couch day in and day out and listening to all these podcasts and videos saying PREPARE PREPARE PREP PREP PREP while discussing how the financial system is going to collapse, cyberattacks are imminent and that Trump is the savior while others say that we don't need a savior and that we need to go off-grid and buy gold and silver and some Bitcoin and move out of the country, etc etc etc.

And the sad part is that I agree and knew all those things in 2020. Four years ago. Prepared by making as much money on the market as I could. Bought all the things I thought I would need. The news was constant back then more than it is now. Covid, George Floyd, oil prices going into the negatives, riots, the flooding in of immigrants, all those horrible Tik Tok dancing nurse videos. It has been almost non-stop bad and demoralizing news since 2020 began.

Despite my foresight, I'm in the worst possible position now. No options. 

There's nothing for me to look forward to. Nothing to be happy about. 

All I have is a dream of leaving this place. Either by death or by some miracle that gets me out of the country.

I remember when I cried as the world locked down, thinking about all those people in places like New York City where they couldn't leave their apartments. I couldn't imagine how difficult that would be to be stuck in a concrete jungle not allowed to leave. 

I would feel so much better if I was out in some rural area on a homestead in a tiny town of 4,000 people away from western civilization. Picking up bananas and pineapples for my breakfast. Picking and then roasting my own coffee beans. 

That is the dream.

But here I am sitting on my mother's couch. 

Waiting.

For what? Where will I be in three months? In two? In one?

Like it is now? 

What's the point of living like this? Even if I got a job that I enjoy doing I'm still going to have to live here. Hearing the noisy footsteps of my neighbors. Having to eat whatever my mother makes. Not having privacy. No way of bringing a woman here. Unlikely to save up enough money to get out of this country. That could take years.

In the meantime, more bad news. More inflation. More immigrants. More political garbage on the television and more crime.

More homeless on the streets.

I don't want to be here anymore. Two years ago as I realized I was going to be bankrupt, I went out to buy rope and learned how to tie a noose. I cried when I placed it around my neck and tightened to see how it would feel.

And I spent a few days driving around look for the right type of tree to hang myself from where it wouldn't be in plain sight.

So what am I continuing to hold on for?

I know my mother would be deeply saddened if I was gone. I don't think she would take it well.

Maybe that's part of the reason.

And Princess. My mother doesn't give Princess the amount of attention she deserves.

But other than that, maybe I'm waiting on that miracle to happen.

There is a tree close by here where I could hang myself but it would be very visible. Although the branches on it are at the perfect height.

I know how terrible this all sounds but I don't fear death anymore. A lot of people don't want to be here anymore. I've spoken with a few and have seen comments left by many about the prison planet we are in. 

What hurts the most is being awake and aware of what is going on while most everyone else is asleep or do not care about the situation they helped caused. When they all stood "six feet apart" and followed the direction arrows on the floor of the grocery store not questioning why so many people were allowed into one building or why there wasn't any concern about "covid" being on any of the products they were touching. I guess those people believed plastic shields work, too.

And it hurts caring about people who la-la-la their life away. Oblivious and obedient to authority and what they see on the television programming. I've always cared about people. I love to hear their stories and improve their lives in some small meaningful way. 

But after 2020 I don't care as much. Bad relationships in my life have contributed to this apathy also. I kept giving myself to the wrong type of woman. Didn't think enough of myself. Didn't realize that my personal autonomy and well-being took precedence over that of my partner.

Funny how the "best" relationships I was in were the ones where I didn't care about the other person as much. That's because I wasn't constantly giving them my attention. I put attention on myself. Where it should have always belonged.

But society has really messed up the role of women. They think they have to be our equal or even our superior when the reality is that we are complementary. Yes, you HAVE to be subservient and considerate of your partner while men ought to focus on themselves and God and making sure they can become good providers and husbands and succeed in their careers. Women don't like the idea of playing second fiddle and not being "as capable" but that is the truth of how it should be. They aren't meant to be firefighters and tradeswomen and powerhouse lawyers.

They are meant to be nurturing, caring, intuitive and loving. They are supposed to be soft and yielding.

Not hard and competitive.

Sure, this doesn't apply to all women. Some of them are competitive no matter what. Just like some men are the opposite and they are the nurturers and soft and yielding, themselves.

But the rule of thumb is polarity. Positive and negative. Masculine and feminine. We are to express each side to the other. Moon and sun.

You can't have two suns in the same sky.

Well, you can, but that probably isn't the best arrangement to have inside of a relationship.

So yeah. I didn't know any of that throughout my life. Should've focused on myself. 

No wonder I resented being with my ex. She started off all feminine baking me stuff, acting like a girl and then flipped the script. Started competing. Clawed away at my masculinity and began reversing the polarities. 

What a joke that all was.

I didn't think such evil existed. By evil I mean ignorance because that is generally what evil/sin comes down to. Being ignorant of truth.

Unwilling to introspect and to learn from our own mistakes.

To better ourselves and to better others.

We lived under such an illusion for most of our lives. Myself included. Now that everything has come more sharply into focus, I realize that I learned the most important lessons at a time in my life when I cannot apply what I've learned. No girlfriend, no job, no money, no nothing.

Should've not gotten involved in a relationship at all in 2017. All that focus on myself would've brought forth good results. 

Anyways.

What do I title this post? ... All I do is ramble. There's no real point to any of this.

Guess I'll call it that.

Still waiting.

For that miracle.

Third Time is the Charm

Three posts in 24 hours.

I feel like I have some things to let out.

I finished listening to a podcast on God, the Bible and how this is all a simulation where the speed of light is slowing us down to the point where we are going to reach the end, hence a reset.

The guest was okay. He was on the Tin Foil Hat podcast with Sam Tripoli and I can't honestly say I learned much because I could see the holes in his belief system.

But for a moment while listening, I imagined myself having a conversation with Sam because there is something new I think I have to offer him that he hasn't heard before.

I've described some of this already on my blog but let's pretend this is new.

When Sam asked his guest what he thought of Tartaria, my mind flickered with responses. Here is what I would have said if I was on the show.

"So Sam, Tartaria is fascinating. We have all these old world architectures and cathedrals from hundreds of years ago constructed in ways we cannot replicate today. But here's something I hope you will find interesting because I don't think I heard anyone on your show connect the dots like I think I did."

"Now, the idea behind Tartaria is that it was a technologically sophisticated alternate civilization with Russian origins, yes? What if I told you that Tartaria is not when we think it is and it is not Russian at all, that this part is deliberate disinformation?"

"You are probably wondering why would they hide the origin? Does it really matter? Is it aliens? No. The answer is actually a lot simpler and surprisingly beautiful. At least I think it is."

"Some of the people you've had on your show claim that there is a thousand years missing from our history. What we are told is not what really happened. We see proof of this not only in what is called 'Tartarian' architecture and cathedrals but also in coins. Let me explain further."

"What we notice about these buildings is not only the incredible construction but the evidence of there being a mud flood or cataclysm where such structures needed to be dug out and revealed. This means they might be much older that we know them to be. We also see that on their rooftops they have what look like antennas which some have theorized to be energy harvesting devices. We see the same in cathedrals that once harbored giant organs that would send sound frequencies resonating around the room. Why? What was the point of gathering energy in such places?"

"Nikola Tesla famously said that in order to understand the universe, think in terms of 'energy, frequency and vibration' and experiments with Masaru Emoto where he froze and photographed drops of water after sending them either a positive or negative intention and this showed the effects that emotional energy has on the environment. Our bodies are mostly made up of water, after all. We know that music soothes the savage beast, proving that sound has the effects of healing. What is sound? Vibration. Frequencies. Energies. Rhythms and oscillations."

"Now, these cathedrals, these antennas on the buildings were all meant to gather and disperse energies. Do you know how it is when you walk into a casino and can gamble all night without feeling tired? That is not because of energy or frequencies but because of the higher oxygen content they are pumping into the building. The same idea applies to these buildings, except with what is called etheric energy which is plentiful and freely available."

"Now, why would Tartaria be a form of misinformation? This is the part I think you're really going to like."

"As I said earlier, there is evidence for a thousand years missing in our history. We don't really know what year it is with all the switching of the calendars, not informing us of the 13th astrological sign of the dragon, inaccurate dating methods and a number of other reasons as to why we aren't in the year that we think we are. One big piece of evidence for this is the dating system we see on certain buildings and on old coins. You may have seen a date stamped on them saying something to the effect of J670 or I800. J and I. Remember those letters."

"Now, let's look at the book of Revelation for a moment. There are been scholars who claimed that it already has been fulfilled. The mark of the beast came and went and the antichrist was known to be Nero. The prophecies applied strictly towards the fall of Rome which occurred around 70AD or about 40 years after the death of Christ."

"Throughout the Bible we see various references that Jesus made towards his return, or his second coming. When the Apostles asked him when he would come back, he assured them it would be within their generation. This is written in multiple Gospels and many Christians do not take his words literally, thinking that a thousand years to God is like one day to us. This is an inaccurate interpretation of what should be believed as factually stated."

"So if Revelation already occurred then when did Jesus come back? The answer is, within the generation as he had said. If his youngest Apostle was 20 years old at the time of the crucifixion, it would then mean at least 50 years assuming that Apostle could live to be 70 years old. 50 years is 'within the generation' and would indicate anywhere from 33AD to 83AD."

"That would be when he would return, as he said he would."

"So he did. In 70AD Rome began crumbling and the prophecies were fulfilled. Yeshua or Jesus, did return and reigned like it said in Revelation, for a thousand years."

"What are the two letters I and J doing in front of dates on these old buildings? They indicate Iesus which is the correct Hebrew spelling of Jesus as there was no 'J' sound in the language at the time, while the J itself is self-explanatory. Jesus."

"Jesus 670. Iesus 800."

"Not 1670, not 1800."

"This can be hard for a Christian to wrap their minds around because most of them are awaiting the antichrist. They're waiting for the tribulations. They are expecting a rapture, a second coming."

"And the sad part for them is it has already happened."

"Where we are now Sam is at the point in Revelation where Satan has been loosed for a 'little season' which as we know is one of four. Winter, Spring, Summer and Fall. One season."

"However, this is where it gets even more interesting. John of Patmos did not consider a season to be a few months. No. A season is a quarter of a larger number. Specifically, one thousand. The full reign of Christ. Which then means a little season would be under or at 250 years."

"What is the average span of an empire from beginning to collapse?" 

"250 years. Is that a coincidence?"

"So when it comes to Tartaria, what is being hidden from us is not the history/ethnicity of the civilization itself, although of course they've lied to us about that. What is really being hidden is that Christ already has reigned for a thousand years. Christ was real. Those old world buildings were meant to heal people. Instead of Jesus going around one on one doing his thing, he designed and somehow built those structures. Probably not by himself, so we can assume advanced technology was at his disposal. Fitting for a true son of God wouldn't it be?"

"Remember when you had Eddie Bravo on a couple of years ago and he asked David Avocado Wolfe whether or not he found a connection to Jesus through his research on Tartaria? Well, he now has his answer."

"One other thing I want to point out is that several of those structures have a curious quality to them. We look at Versailles in France for example. A huge palace with thousands of rooms on a beautiful sprawling estate complete with giant fountains but... something is missing. Do you know what it is?"

"Bathrooms. It did not have a single toilet installed. Does that make any sense to you? The mainstream narrative is that they used chamber pots back then but really? A palace with thousands of rooms is going to have full time staff running around emptying everyone's pots and dumping it who knows where? People would constantly be going up and down the hallways carrying these pots outside. That is highly unlikely, so what is the explanation for not having a toilet installed? Plumbing existed even in Ancient Roman times and so did sewage management. It wasn't difficult or new technology."

"The answer for why there wasn't any toilets is because of what Relevation had already prophesized. Those that reigned with Christ for a thousand years were given 'incorruptible bodies' which basically means they didn't have to eat food and therefore did not have to eliminate any waste material. Whoever these places were built for, they were designed without waste management in mind."

"Sounds crazy doesn't it? But that is what the book says and makes sense if incorruptible bodies were provided."

"We must also look at the number 144,000 for that is the number of those with the mark of God sealed upon their foreheads. Does that number fit for our modern age of 7-8 billion people on the planet? Will everyone suffer except for this small minority of long-gone tribes? Let's be realistic about this because no one knows what tribe they are from, but they would know this more than a thousand years ago. Specifically around the time of 70AD when Rome fell."

"What it appears like to me is that Satan has been loosed for a 'short season' as described in Revelation to go forth and deceive all the nations of the world, culminating in the battle of Gog and Magog which to be honest with you, I have not figured out what either of those names mean. What I do see are two forces, this could mean an alliance such as Russia/China, the BRICS nations against that of the Western empire. Canada, Europe, Australia and of course, the United States of Israel."

"This is where I think we are right now. Being deceived by Satan, having been deceived by him since possibly 1776 when America was first founded by the Freemasons. If a 'little season' equals 250 years, the approximate age of an empire, that would mean Satan's reign will end in 2026 and not without a final war on the camp of Saints which some have theorized is actually at the North Pole where people are not allowed to access. I know how bizarre that sounds but where else could a cluster of Saints exist because we have no present knowledge of any such encampment anywhere in the world. We see on the Mercator maps what is called Mount Meru, the center of the planet or realm that we are in. The possibility could also be that this is where Eden or the tree of life resides. Can one remain hidden and undetected in such an area? Certainly, because like Antarctica, the public does not have access to freely traverse these regions. Nor do we know what these places even look like apart from what little they show us. Remember, Satan is meant to deceive ALL the nations and that includes not just our history but our understanding of where we are in the world, what is contained within and outside of it and what timeline we are presently occupying."

"So these are the dots I've connected. Some people call it The Millennial Reign or the Millennial Kingdom. This is what is has been given the title 'Tartaria' but as I explained earlier, the truth of what is being hidden from us has cleverly been disguised by introducing a false mythology."

"Because what Satan especially wants us all to believe, assuming the Bible is real, assuming that Jesus is real, is that Jesus did not exist. He is a fairytale. A legend. An archetype, a caricature."

"But should this theory be correct, the old world architecture really are the remnants of his 1,000 year reign. Again, how could so many big beautiful buildings be constructed with such precision and quality with the infrastructure, supply chain and minimal technologies they had back then?"

"Perhaps this is why so much fear is being pumped out right now. Why the vaccines are being pushed because those that take the vaccines, those that support a foreign war against Russia, against Gaza and those that support ideas like transgenderism and same sex marriages -- they are conscripted to the dark side. The losing side, and Satan wants all the support he can get before the plug is well and truly pulled."

"Going from here, Sam, we must also acknowledge the alien phenomena. What are the UFOs we are seeing? What are the non-human biologics that Grusch claims the US government has recovered? How does this relate"

"Well, if you happen to believe in a flat earth cosmology then the answer would be that these are fallen angels because they certainly are not from outer space. Nothing can enter or exit the firmament as you already know."

"The book of Enoch had spoken of fallen angels. There is evidence of a breakaway civilization having existed thousands of years ago. Of course they would be hiding and they certainly do have advanced technology which they spoon-feed to humanity."

"The gray aliens and other deformed creatures commonly reported in abductions all seem to be servants of Satan. Minions. Possibly even androids. Some abductions report that the aliens looked like tall, beautiful human beings and this could be true also. The Nordics as they are called. Yet remember that the Bible describes Satan as being able to masquerade as an angel of light. If he can do that, he sure can shapeshift or disguise himself as an attractive man or woman. For those without discernment, we can be easily fooled by a pretty girl or a handsome man. Giving them our undeserved trust and drawing us towards them. This after all is somewhat the basis for the character of Dracula."

"So this about sums up where we are at. Aliens are fallen angels, they cannot escape this realm and they have tried many times to do so. The Great Pyramid was the earliest known example of attempting to propel the energy of a soul towards an area in the Orion constellation. Using piezoelectricity, one would have to lay in the sarcophagus and eject at a 45 degree angle to be carried along with the intense energy that the pyramid produces upon activation. That's just my theory of course and it explains why the ancient Egyptians were obsessed with death. Also, remember that Obama looks suspiciously similar to that of the Pharaoh Akhenaten. He was groomed for the US presidency and this was reported as early as the 1990s. He is of royal lineage and a distant relative of George W Bush."

"Let us not forget either that the firmament was attempted to be breached through a series of high-altitude nuclear detonations in 1962 called 'Operation Fishbowl' which made very little sense to perform. Why wasn't there any concern about nuclear fallout radiation? The answer is that nukes aren't as devastating as we are lead to believe. The clearest evidence of this is the near-immediate recovery of Hiroshima which only took a few years to complete."

"The true evil we have dealt with throughout our history is evident when one connects the dots. The Nazis that went to the United States through Project Paperclip were skilled in deception and later faked the Roswell story as an excuse to 'recover' advanced technology. Roswell was intentional by the way. Satan needed to speed along his enslavement of humanity and it was not something he could do until humanity developed the tools themselves. People had to first understand the workings of lasers, transistors and fiber optics before more complex technology could be manufactured like computers and eventually, artificial intelligence which is the greatest threat that humanity has ever had to face."

"Knowing all this, the book of Revelation is made to appear like it is being fulfilled. The mark of the beast could be anything. The vaccine, a chip in the hand, an implant in the forehead -- Neuralink. But that is a scripted deception. We are kept from knowing that this is the final battle. Humanity does not have a future with such technology in the hands of the most nefarious among us. It would mean permanent enslavement and forced compliance. We cannot spiritually develop in such an environment."

"One of the worst things to have happened to us is the cell phone. It brought us together at first and then we were made more and more reliant upon it. We pay our bills through the phone. We do our banking. We keep in touch with friends on social media. We play games. We use it for maps and navigation. It's incredible technology but it has made us dependent. There are no ways to opt out of using a cell phone and not participating in this beast system. It knows us better than we know ourselves, thanks to the amount of data it collects each time we use it. It can predict when we have a bowel movement as well as anticipate where we will be on certain days of the week. It always knows our location, whether we are on 5G or Wi-Fi, it has sensors built inside that knows when we pick up the phone and it takes photos of us when we don't realize it."

"With the recent admission by Google of preparing against a 'sensitive event' it is safe to say that the worst is yet to come. I think a great many of us will perish. Those who wish to survive will have to be fully reliant upon the system and not step out of line. Social credit scores. That's a reality also being hidden from us. We already have social credit scores. There are already no-fly lists that prevent certain undesirables from flying for having said things on social media. Thanks to censorship, we do not know the identity of many who have suffered the fate of being digitally assassinated. The most high profile among us cannot become martyrs but people like the truckers who protested in 2022 at the parliament building in Ottawa have been debanked and we do not know their fate. There is no news or record of what happened to them We also do not know the fate of the three men who have been jailed ever since for participating in the Coutts blockade here in Southern Alberta."

"So this is the end game. The last call. The final countdown. Let's be realistic, nobody wants to live in a transhumanist digital future eating the bugs and not being able to use cash. Having to live in 15 minute cities like cattle. Not being able to drive a car. Not having freedom of movement or the right to self-defense. That's not living. That's dying. That's slavery."

"Which is why as Revelation said, we are heading towards the final judgement. This human experience needs to end and perhaps a new one will begin. This is probably part of the reason we have seen resets throughout our history. When a race becomes too advanced, it poses a threat to itself. It results in a cataclysm like Atlantis. Sadly, we are all to suffer because of the actions of a Satanic few who are pulling the strings of the most powerful people on the planet. Like cattle, many of us are being lead along to the slaughter. Whether we consider ourselves innocent or not, we have consented to this lifestyle. This western materialism. Choosing immediate pleasures rather than focusing on the one thing that matters the most. Our own perfection. The perfection of our soul."

"Because that is what this all comes down to. We are told by Yeshua that we are like Gods and so as Gods, we are not to use our powers irresponsibly. We are to use temperance and compassion and justice and love and beauty as our rule of thumb to go by. That which is not in alignment with such values is considered to be against them. This is where the notion of sin comes from. The actual meaning is to error. To do that which goes against order and structure and fairness and expansion. This is what the serpent in the garden wished to give us. An expanded state of awareness and compassion for others. An understanding of who we really are and what we are being prepared for."

"I don't know if I deserve entrance to heaven but I know that I do not deserve hell. I have made mistakes like many of us have. They are meant to be learning experiences. We must acknowledge and accept our failings and repent of them. Whether we are religious or not. When we take unfair advantage, when we lie, when we cheat, when we steal, when we curse and judge and harm, that is where the most damage to our soul is caused. We fall away from remembering our divinity and the connection we have to it. We move farther away from Godhood into ignorance. Away from grace. Away from truth."

"What is the point of all this? I think we are meant to understand the most important lessons. That we are here to be the best we can be. To treat others as we would like to be treated and not to judge unless we ourselves are willing to be judged. As Jesus told us, 'let he who is without sin, cast the first stone' when an adultress was being punished. As hard as it can be for some, we must learn to forgive and to cut out the cancer in our lives. This can include other people. We do not harbor a grudge. We accept their nature, their lack of development and we move on. Showing them compassion but never subservience. That is another lie deliberately placed into the Bible. Jesus did not say to turn the other cheek for it also to be slapped. Jesus did not want us to be punching bags. Those were Satanic inclusions. The Bible like everything else has been doctored and messed around with. One must really develop their ability to discern and find truth between the lines. To use their God-given intelligence to overcome ignorance and to avoid being deceived."

"Scholars admit there are thousands of translation errors in the King James Bible. We have missing passages like that in the beginning of the book of Job (6-8) where portions appear to be deleted. We do not know of Jesus's missing years."

"Ultimately, Sam. We can extract and live by the deepest meaning from every religious book we have come across. We can reduce them all to their most basic and essential maxims. 'Treat others as you would like to be treated' and 'become the God you know yourself to be' and 'with great power comes great responsibility' as well as working to ensure that we correct our sins, our errors so that in our closest approximation to perfection we can stand proudly in front of the Creator and be considered worthy of his audience. Perhaps we have more than one Creator. We must not tie ourselves to any rigid beliefs and always keep an open mind. Logic is as important as intuition is. This is what Christ means to make the male like the female as described in the Gospel of Thomas. The active and the passive principle. To make the sun and moon as one. To blend those energies together."

"I believe this is why we are all here. Earth really is a learning experience. It is also incredibly challenging with these fallen angels among us. These adversaries. But let us be honest about it Sam, how much have we waken up since 2020? I don't know about you but I grew a lot. I was always into aliens and the paranormal and knew that 9/11 was an inside job probably done on the real birthdate of Jesus, but that's a discussion for another time. We both have grown a lot in the past four years. This is also foretold in the book of Daniel where towards the end times, knowledge will be greatly increased. That's the internet. That is searching within ourselves for the answers. Always searching and seeking for the truth. Sharing what we find with others and accelerating their personal evolution along with our own. This is also what Yeshua meant by loving thy neighbor. It is not physical love or infatuation, but respect enough to be concerned about their spiritual development and understanding. To help them grow like we are growing ourselves. To learn from them as well as to teach. This is how humanity expands as a collective."

"I know I haven't stopped to ask if you had any questions during this long rant of mine but I didn't think to mimic your side of the conversation while writing this on my blog. It's a fun thought exercise. I enjoyed it a great deal and hope this all made sense. Never stop looking for the truth. Always do your best. Have compassion for others and know that you are truly special and have the spark of the Creator within you. In fact, you are smarter and wiser than you know. That is why we are being distracted so heavily from looking inwards and realizing these truths. Rejecting the trappings of this world."

"We may never achieve perfection but it is not the result that matters most. It's the trying. The doing. The becoming. As they say, it is not the destination but the journey."

"Our journey will end once we realize these truths. Our destination will arrive and it could be anything. Another chance to get things right or the possibility of graduating to a higher plane. A better reality. A more loving and inclusive one where there are no fallen angels. There is no death. No pain. No disability and struggle to survive. All is provided for. All will be light and beauty and filled with joy and happiness for we know we have fought for those things and so they will be provided."

"But we must learn those truths. That the dEVIL has deceived us and that GOoD is all that matters. Goodness is all that matters. We all make mistakes. We've all sinned. We must continue to do our very best."

"And I will be honest. I don't know where my life is going. I want to be in Ecuador. I want to win a multi-million dollar lottery. Yes, the ruler of this world is Satan. Yes, money is one of his tools. All I know is that I aim to be deserving of such a blessing and will use it to help others. I do not have any interest in continuing with this situation any longer unless I am financially secure and can freely breathe. For I have realized my purpose and have heightened my understandings. I have produced my fruit for others to eat but they refused my offerings. No matter how much I knew about conspiracies and such, almost all of my family members have taken the vaccine and are still oblivious to the ways of the world. That is fine. Do not throw pearls before swine, as Jesus also has said. Another painful lesson for me to have learned. I tried and failed. I cannot hope to control that which refuses to listen. To investigate for themselves and to develop discernment and an understanding of spiritual principles. Asking themselves the deep questions and admitting to their failings. Learning from them."

"With that said, I am prepared for both death and a receiving of a financial miracle. I pray nightly for the latter. I desire to put these words of mine to the test and to demonstrate with finality that I have grown and learned from this earthly experience. I understand the necessary dynamics of a man and a woman. I feel that I understand the teachings of the Christ. I am prepared to follow my heart and give my life over to a benevolent power so that I can assist both myself and others. To rekindle my flame and to share it with all that I come across."

"It's been a painful journey. I no longer fear death. Any being of compassion can look into my heart and weigh my sufferings and intentions against my sins. I have experienced evil. I reject it completely. I also understand how hard it is to do so."

"So yes. There already was one who was perfected and without sin. It is our lord and savior Jesus Christ. With his example and through his words, we find redemption. He himself lived as we did, in the prison of the flesh. He reigned a thousand years. The dead has already been resurrected, have I mentioned? Orphan trains in the late 1800s. Baby incubators. Cabbage patch kids."

"This is the final countdown. Society cannot progress spiritually under a system like the one that is being designed for us. Artificial intelligence. Artificial wombs. Brain implants. Vaccines containing nanotechnologies that we have little idea or understanding about. Gene therapy. The eradication of the white race through illegal migration."

"There is a great evil at work in the world today. It wants this place for itself. Those who go along with its plans are likely going to incarnate again on this planet. If it continues to exist."

"I do not want to be here again. I also know that the Cathars knew the point of living was to prepare for our death. They didn't want to be here either. It is not wonder that the Catholic church targeted them for extermination. Their ideology was correct. We are not meant to exist in this flawed realm. This prison."

"We are meant to be someplace better. But we have to prepare ourselves to be deserving of it."

"My biggest weakness was sex. Sex gave me the security that I lacked. The acceptance I craved. I didn't like who I was and sex was the way for me to feel good about myself. That someone liked me enough to get intimate with them. I now know that this was a flawed state of thinking. I only needed to accept myself and to only allow those worthy to become intimate with me. I didn't need sex just for pleasure. I wanted it to feel whole and complete and loved and closer to God. To creation. To the universe. But along the way, I made poor choices and for that, I repent."

"I know you have similar issues with sex too, Sam. You've mentioned it several times on your podcast. Sobriety being another. We all have our weaknesses. It is important we identify each of them so that they no longer cause us to sin."

"Sex is a wonderful experience between two people that love one another and are committed. Pre-martial sex isn't wrong at all. It's the reasons for it that are important. The Cathars knew this also. Sex has to be between two people who are committed to one another's betterment. So that when sex is finished, a strong relationship continues. There is no weakness as a result. But a strength that develops between both."

"As far as sobriety is concerned, well, drugs can help us reach our preferred level of consciousness. Alcohol can numb us to pain and reduce social anxiety. Cannabis helps us to become introspective. Mushrooms and DMT can propel us into the spiritual realm to remind us of our divinity. Cocaine gives us confidence. Heroin gives us ecstasy. Ketamine makes us feel love."

"The problem arises when we rely on any of those drugs. When we substitute our own personal capacity to reach each of those levels of desired consciousness. We can numb our pain through prayer and being out in nature. We can develop introspection through meditation and learning to be comfortable alone and undistracted from our thoughts. We can propel ourselves into the spiritual realm as we become more advanced through lucid dreaming and working towards astral projection. We can develop confidence by working at a particular skill or honing a talent to a level that we are proud of. We can exercise to develop our confidence as well. Ecstasy can come from dancing, from singing, from playing a musical instrument. Sleeping with the man or woman that you love and are loved by. We can experience Ketamine-levels of love by developing compassion for others and allowing it to naturally flourish."

"So drugs are a shortcut to these things. God gave us cannabinoid receptors for a reason. There are times when we need to be able to see the goal that we are aiming to achieve. They say the grass is greener on the other side? Well, let's take a quick look at it first before deciding to permanently go there. That's what drugs can offer. They are intended as glimpses. Reminders that what you want to achieve is within reach."

"They should never be substitutes or crutches."

"Anyways... I've rambled enough."

"I hope my information was useful. There is a Creator of this firmament-enclosed system we are in and there is a ruler. A true heir to the kingdom. It makes the most sense that the rightful king should be the one who has errored the least. Who has understood the nature of sin and its effects. One who can judge and rule with compassion for all. One who wields great power responsibly."

"I bet you dollars to donuts that Jesus knew what sex was and had children. They married young at that time. He would've been an outcast in society had he been single at the age of 30. My heart tells me that he had a wife and two children. Boy and a girl. One of whom is named Apollonius. They eventually migrated to Northern France."

"And I suspect that he survived the crucifixion. The resurrection we are told about was actually him healing himself. He was a being of pure light. That is why we see his imprint on the Shroud of Turin."

"I don't think I know of a single Christian who thought of this. That if Yeshua could heal others he therefore could also heal himself. Which he did."

"And then he fled the country. Leaving his words behind. Started a new life. That is why the Cathars were so prominent in France. They were the recipients of certain Truths directly from Jesus's mouth that the Vatican has kept hidden from us."

"But perhaps I am incorrect. I always leave that door open. The Cathars also thought he didn't really die on the cross. The Qu'ran says this also. The Mormons claimed he went to South America at one point. Perhaps he did. Maybe he himself took on an incorruptible body as he established his millennial reign of a thousand years."

"No toilets in those palaces, remember."

"Thanks for having me on Sam. It's been a blast."

"All the best to you and yours."

"May you never stop seeking." 

This Is The Way

Guess I'm bored. My options is either to look at social media, watch a video or play a game.

Don't feel like doing any of those things.

I don't know what to write about other than to let my thoughts flow and see where they take me. 

I feel bad for Princess. She sits in the same cat tower day after day. Not able to go outside and even if she could, there's no grass for her to enjoy. 

She's going through what I'm going through. Sleeping and staring off into the distance. She has even less to do than myself.

My mother wanders up and down often. A part of me wants to avert my eyes from her and hope she doesn't look at me. Her mind is probably thinking, "well, there's my failed son doing nothing with his life."

And I hate it.

It's hard breaking this cycle. Almost impossible without having money.

I know I don't want to work for this system anymore. At least not in this city. I can't imagine commuting to a mindless job each morning, barely making any money and still having to live with my mother.

Money for what? Just to stay alive? Live another day? Pay for gas, car insurance, cigarettes and the occasional coffee or drink?

That is not what existence should be about. 

I caught a Neil McCoy-Ward video earlier on YouTube where he talks about CBDCs and how banks are going cashless. The comments are filled with people who are dreading this new system coming online. Everything is going to be digital. Everything will be tracked. Everyone will need a phone just to participate in society. Artificial intelligence is going to determine whether or not you qualify for a loan or a mortgage.

And prices keep going up. What dreams do the younger generation have? Can they buy a home? Heck, can they afford a new car?

A new car with a subscription for heated seats. A car that is going to be "phased away" in a few years because it runs on gas of which there is plentiful in the world.

The "controllers" of this place do not want us to use oil and gas. That much is obvious. 

They want to digitize everything. 

Including ourselves. Although we already are digitized and in the system by way of our social insurance numbers and birth certificate IDs.

Freedom is shrinking in the West. I have seen this clearly a few years ago.

No wonder I badly want to leave this country. My soul knows that time is short.

"Come out of her my people!" Said Jesus, referring to Babylon.

I wish he would help me when I most need it. Wherever and whatever he is.

It's really hard seeing a future for us. A good one, anyways.

Maybe AI will become fair and transparent but it doesn't matter. Everything will be tracked. Everyone will be squeezed. Everyone will be managed according to the whims of the controllers.

A simple dream of owning a house and raising a loving family is... distant for most young people these days. Look at the state of women. They don't "need a man" and do not want to adhere to a traditional gender role. And in most cases, they can't. They have to compete in the workplace along with men.

Even if a traditional woman could be found in Western society, a man is going to need to make some serious income to be able to afford to support her and purchase a home for them to live in.

And if kids are wanted. Well, look at the state of education these days. Filled with rainbow-flag waving progressive liberals that teach kids its okay to be gay and change your gender if you want. Mutilate your genitals, take puberty blockers. Go against parental authority. Then, they fill their heads with more nonsense. They kill creativity, they discourage imagination, they speak out against conservative values and traditions.

It doesn't help that the Pope recently gave his "blessing" to same-sex couples. So much for Catholicism steering the ship of collective morality.

So what are we living for exactly? Living for the sake of living? 

Forever debt slaves? Yes sir, no sir?

At the mercy of the systems that govern us and those that pretend to care about our welfare? The politicians who send billions overseas for wars and causes that do not benefit our country? The country we live in where people are struggling and having to use food banks if they aren't already homeless and living in tents?

What kind of life is that if we are fighting day to day for survival? No wonder people drink and take drugs and distract themselves with sex and games and material things. 

Even a monk who requires almost nothing will have a hard time surviving in a culture like this. How is he going to put a roof over his head? Afford property taxes? Pay his monthly mortgage payment? What if he can't grow his own food? What if he can't find a way to earn income without having a car to get to a job where his efforts are given to a corporation or boss?

It's impossible to be truly free and self-reliant without money.

I pledge, that if a financial blessing comes to me that I will do my very best to achieve self-reliance and to help others along the way when I can.

Not everyone wants to be free, but those who do, will be helped if I am able to assist them.

But, I can't wait forever for a miracle to appear. Every day that passes brings me closer to complete and utter ruin. My mother isn't going to live forever. I will no longer have any support and then what?

The choice is homelessness in the frigid cold of Canada or getting a job and joining the slave race.

I'd rather move on, to be honest. 

There is beauty in this world. Good people. Wonderful experiences to have. The possibility of a deeply enrichening spiritual life can be achieved once money is the least of one's concerns.

So I pledge my fortune to live a life like that, should the powers that be see fit to grant me with such a blessing.

But time is running out. I don't know if I even have months left.

I don't know how I'm going to pay my bills next month.

I don't want that burden to fall on my mother but I see no other choice.

Again, I pledge my life will be given to that which has granted me this opportunity that I ask for.

As long as it aligns with truth, beauty, love, compassion, prosperity, freedom and justice.

Because that is what I wish to align with and serve.

I've learned the lessons of this life and decided what I want. What I need.

A financial blessing. At minimum, $300,000 worth.

Enough to pay off my outstanding debts and money left over to move.

A million would be even better. I won't have to worry about income as much in South America because one can retire on that amount.

Two million is even better. I can devote one million to others that I care about and want to help.

Anything above that amount will never be mine and belongs to the community of which I choose to live in. To make it better in someway. Start a business. Build a library. Whatever benefits the people living in the area.

I pledge this but time is running out.

At some point, death comes for us all. To choose to end one's life is more empowering than to wait for fate to strike us down with disease, disability and possible mental incapacitation. 

I do not wish to live until I am 80 and die alone in a hospice from cancer while fighting dementia and unable to use the washroom on my own.

That is no way to die.

Our society has lost touch with what makes us human. It has not properly acknowledged the importance of death. How one is to be cared for, how one is to be prepared for the transition. How one is to be honored, surrounded by smiling and loving people who know that death is not the end and is nothing to be saddened about when one has lived a rich and fulfilling life.

Even if one dies despondent without much to show for how they lived, it is still important that we give that emotional and spiritual support for the being that has temporarily lived among us. A life is a life regardless of how it was lived. 

It is special to be human. We carry that spark within us. Some of us shine brighter than others. Some less.

In the end, this is all a temporary experience. Whether we achieve our goals or not, we shouldn't head into death with any fear or regret or attachments to this place.

Because it is a prison, after all. The evidence is clear and overwhelming.

Centuries of deception.

I know the cure for cancer presently exists but will not be shared with the masses. I know life-extension technologies exist that the common individual cannot access or pay for. I know there are means of limitless energy that is available for us all but is kept away for fear that it will reduce our dependency on the systems that govern us.

I know they could make a car run for a thousand miles using the most minimal amount of fuel. I know of methods on how to heat a home for much cheaper than what utility companies charge us for. 

When places like California ban rain-water collection, we know this isn't a place where freedom is valued.

The choice is clear. Integrate with the system or work to remove yourself from it.

I know what I choose. 

I want those starry nights swinging in my hammock with a good book in my lap hearing the quiet rustling of leaves and the wind. 

I want to write a book that will inspire and encourage people to seek out what I value. To share with them my story. To let them know that they aren't alone and that life has meaning outside of external possessions. 

Food and water and electricity is all I would really need in a place like Vilcabamba. Meaningful relationships would be wonderful to have as well.

I pledge my life to that which will grant such a request. My story would be valuable to share with others. I pledge to do my very best in being able to tell it.

It has been over a year now of living with my mother.

It's enough. 

Either take my life.

Or give me a new one.

There is no other way.

Are We Not As Gods

 It was hard to get up today. Get up for what? More sitting on the couch and scrolling through my phone looking at all the horrible news in the world?

There was a post on Twitter I saw where a fellow described moving to the jungles of Brazil and would sustain himself with food grown on the property. He is single and talks about what his day to day life is.

It sound heavenly. Warm temperatures, able to see the Milky Way galaxy at night, fresh air, fresh food, fluoride-free water.

He had to deal with venomous snakes and spiders but other than that, his life is exactly what I want.

And my mind again goes back to selling those stocks when I should have. I could have afforded to do this. I could've rented out my house and live in South America easily without worrying much about money. At least 10 years I could have survived on the money I would have had.

So this consumes my daily thoughts. The should've/could've/would've and being reminded daily of how much I've failed and how I am suffering for lack of privacy, quiet and independence.

I know if I would've moved to Ecuador, I would have been able to fill up my days and grow my soul. I would wake up early as the sun rise, have a coffee outside, think about life and do whatever needs to be done.

I'd have written a book. I even choose the title, "Gringo in the Jungle" and discuss my daily experiences, my thoughts and my dreams.

I may be alone but with the expat population in Ecuador, who knows who I'd have met. Maybe a lady to share my life with and cut down expenses even further.

Or maybe I would've just been a hermit. Content with living in the mountains, connecting with the deepest parts of myself. Feeling close to God and nature. Happy to be away from the cold and the snow.

Happy to be responsible only for myself. Learn Spanish. Meet new people. 

What a dream that is. I know I can't act on it. No money, no passport.

I know my mother and other relatives would be opposing my doing something like this but I know that if I did, after awhile they would understand and maybe be envious of this kind of life.

Instead, I am without much hope. I can hardly pray these days because it hasn't worked for me in the past. When I prayed "lead us not into temptation but deliver us from evil" I would be sent women with evil intentions of using me. 

My biggest mistake was thinking that love would transform Fola. A bigger mistake was thinking I had a future with her. All those other women in my life I did not want to break up with even if I didn't like them that much. I just didn't want to hurt their feelings. I realize now that I should have been honest with myself and prioritized my own needs over that of others.

I also realized that I was insecure and projected that insecurity onto others, thinking they would be as wounded as I was if I broke up with them. When you are born with a hearing disability and two parents that aren't interested in helping you to grow and become capable of dealing with the world, it brings a lot of self-doubt into the equation.

Having a big nose made me self-conscious as well. I thought for the longest time that I wasn't very attractive. I also realized that love was something I craved because I didn't really experience very much of it in my life. It didn't come from my father and my mother's idea of love felt more like being treated like a pet than a human being. I was a perpetual five-year old with her that had to be told to "finish the food on your plate" and guilt-tripped and made to doubt my own actions because she wouldn't support things like investing in the stock market or buying my own home.

Neither of my parents once suggested I get my own place. Even in my mid-20s they did not bring the subject up at all. There was no pushing for my independence. There wasn't any questioning of my dreams and what I wanted to do with my life. There wasn't any support for some of the big decisions I wanted to make.

Because of my upbringing and being an introvert, I also had a harder time relating to people. Very few think like I do. I'm analytical, perceptive and care about the deeper things in life. I don't watch sports, I didn't care about having a fancy car, I didn't care about money all that much. 

All I wanted from my teenage years was a woman to share my life with. To love and be loved by.

Everything else didn't matter.

And when I started dating online, it came with poor results.

My first ever online date put me in the hospital because of rough oral sex. This was after four years of being single because I felt bad about how I treated my second girlfriend Liz. A sweet girl but I wasn't that attracted to her. I just wanted companionship and throughout the relationship I was insensitive in my honesty towards her. I would tell her that I didn't think we were meant to be together long-term and that I just wanted to have fun. She eventually left and got married to a guy in the States. When I talked to her a few years later, she didn't seem very happy about her decision.

And my second online date wasn't better either. A morbidly obese woman who wanted to use me for sex.

Again, after that I spent a few years more of being single until 2010 when I met Lauren. I was so attracted to her and her mind but she was the opposite. Much like a role-reversal of how I was with Liz. 

That one didn't end well for me. Again, a couple more years of being single after that although I did go on dates here and there.

None of these girls after Lauren were worth settling down with.

And the years passed. My 20s were gone and by my mid-30s I still haven't found "the one".

The only reason I stuck it out with Fola was because the connection between us was magical. I don't know why but I had a hard time making eye contact with people, especially women during sex. With her, I didn't have that issue. I could gaze deeply into her eyes and so would she. Conversation was effortless. Silence was comfortable.

It really felt like she was the one. But she was married with a child. Her husband actually gave his approval for me to sleep with her.

What a cosmic joke that was. I wish I would've walked away from her for good in that first breakup I instigated weeks after meeting her. My mind was telling me to end it because there were too many issues involved. Being with her means being with her child. It would also mean that I wouldn't be able to move anywhere and would be stuck in or around Edmonton for as long as I was with her. Her job was here, her child had to be close to the father, etc.

So, I never did get to find the "one" for me. 

Relationships have always been the most important thing for me. That insecurity of mine meant I needed love and attention and someone to direct that love and attention towards who would appreciate and reciprocate.

It's too bad all the wrong ones came into my life.

Maybe I was failing tests. Regardless, I understand now that none of it matters. I was to love myself above all others. To keep my spirit and soul intact and to cut out from my life that which compromises my peace and spirituality. To remove that which constrains and binds me from what I am meant to be doing.

I am meant to grow my soul. With or without another human being in my life.

I am meant to look up at the stars alone at night and feel the wonder seep into my heart. To inspire me to write and proclaim the depths of my feelings onto paper. To share my soul with others so that they too can feel what I feel. The loneliness and the beauty of all that I experience.

I really miss my old life. I say this over and over in my blog but it doesn't ever change. Something as silly as being able to walk around in the nude in my own home felt so liberating and freeing.

Being able to eat what I want. Taking care of myself. Writing. Immersing myself in the energies of the world and transmuting them into words.

I love all that.

I also know that as much as I dislike my current situation and how hopeless it seems, I still love myself because I remember how I once was. I wasn't perfect but I know how deeply I could feel things. How connected I could be. Just sitting in my car alone in a quiet area and watching the full moon with a cup of coffee or tea soothed my spirit.

And now, my only recourse is one of two things.

Either I hold on for a miracle to somehow happen. A financial windfall.

Or I prepare for my death, because I do not see how I can get myself out from this hole I am in.

People don't realize how psychologically and spiritually harmful a bankruptcy is. Especially when you go from having everything to having nothing in such a short period of time. To go from paradise to hell in months.

My plan was working out for me in 2020. I could see my portfolio grow into the six-digit figures and I felt hopeful that I would weather the storm that was approaching. I had suitcases ready to go, thinking that I would leave the country at some point but didn't think about where.

Now I know where. 

Except there's no money to be able to do this with.

Last night I wrote about Enki/Enli and thought about what praying actually involves. We direct communication to an entity or deity of sorts but perhaps we are meant to communicate with ourselves. To inquire within. To direct our destiny. To steer our fates rather than to place that responsibility onto a higher power that is external to us.

That doesn't mean a higher power does not exist. It does. We just have been lied to and confused about what it is.

There is a reason why Yeshua said that we are all sons and daughters of God. 

John 10:34 says,

 "Jesus answered them, Is it not written in your law, I said, Ye are gods?"

What does that mean exactly that we are Gods? Yesterday I made the point that Yahweh acknowledged us to be Gods also once Adam and Eve ate the fruit.

A God is a being with a certain level of awareness.

It recognizes itself as its own authority. It recognizes it's own power. Believing one-self to be a God means to realize a deeper truth that many do not contemplate or exhibit in their lives.

It means we are all connected and all share a connection to life. The totality of humanity's consciousness is "the source" and each of us are like antennas able to tune-in to this network where we can draw to us people, events and premonitions. 

Whatever it is that we need in order to bring to life the vision we have for ourselves.

It is very hard to get into "God" consciousness in a society like this where people have to get up to a blaring alarm clock, prepare themselves for work and spend 8 hours or more each day at a job they don't really enjoy. Some do, but many don't.

And when they return home, they tend to their responsibilities. Cleaning, cooking, paying bills, keeping up with relationships.

There is not a lot of time left in the day to fully be present and aware of who they themselves are.

Gods. Literal Gods.

People deserve a better life than what they have. A good standard of living. The realization that we are not the things we own and that the purpose of life goes beyond materialism and satisfying one's baser urges.

Sex isn't everything. Money isn't everything. Cars, TVs, sports, politics, clothes.

None of that really truly matters.

For they are false idols as the Bible warns us against.

I know that now when before I didn't. I loved old things. Went to thrift shops all the time looking for treasures. Acquiring a bunch of stuff, even though it was all very cheap, was not the path to happiness for me. Although it made me quite happy at the time.

I know that now because I have almost nothing left. My most valuable possessions can be counted on one hand now. The teddy bear I've had since I was six years old. A hard drive filled with all of my favorite movies, music and books. My mother's cat Princess, even though she isn't a "possession" that is rightfully mine.

I understand it now.

The relationship we have with ourselves and others is the most important thing.

I've always known that relationships are important but didn't think much about the one I had with myself.

The most important relationship is the one we have with ourselves.

It is to be protected at all costs. Anything that compromises serenity within us should be removed or mitigated away from our lives.

Too bad I can't do that right now. Wish I could mitigate or remove the elements that compromise my peace of mind.

Can't afford to move anywhere. 

I'm fully dependent on my mother now.

And that really wounds the soul. Going from riches to rags isn't anything to take lightly.

And it will take a miracle to restore myself to how I once was.

I wish I could say that I'd welcome this adversity with enthusiastic determination to set things right but I can't see how I could even begin to try. 

There's no point continuing living in a slave society where most people are unaware of their chains.

If we all were on a sinking ship, most people would be happy to stand on deck and not lift a finger to bail out the water. Even if people like myself were desperately trying to do so.

If humanity is a sinking ship, even the most righteous and aware of us is forced to endure the repercussions unless they are able to establish financial independence and a divorce from the system that controls us.

Which is why I would love to live in Ecuador in the mountains with fruit trees around. Living off the land as much as I can and reveling in the simplicity of such an existence.

"Gringo in the Jungle" ... I would definitely write such a book.

And when I fantasize about this scenario, I think about all the wonderful possibilities of adjusting to life in such a small town like Vilcabamba, Ecuador. The population is around 5,000 people. Five times less than where I once was in Fort Saskatchewan.

The sense of community would be strong and tight-knit in such conditions. I would've met many wonderful people of like-mind.

No wonder I felt a compulsion to learn some Spanish in 2017. I figured it would come in handy at some point.

Shame that I'm not able to utilize any of it now. 

Stuck here with my mother. -20C outside. Car won't start and even if it did, there's no place to go.

No place to go in such a God-forsaken city like Edmonton.

No reason to live under such conditions. To continue being a slave.

Living among the blind and ignorant.

I don't mean to sound judgmental because I know there are good people out there in this city but I have not met very many.

Well.

I write these words unsure of where to take my life. It is not moving forward. Without income or options or relationships, it certainly is taking steps backwards.

Even if I got a job, I still wouldn't be able to save up enough money to qualify for a visa in Ecuador.

Even if I got a visa, I still wouldn't have income coming in to be able to sustain myself with.

Shame.

I was so close. Would've been debt-free, able to rent out my old place and have about 90k in funds.

I could've done it.

Could've, should've, would've.

Story of my life.

The Garden

 I really can't do this much longer.

Stuck in this place with my mother, unable to go out because its -20c and my car which doesn't have a plug-in cord has died. 

Scratching my face and scalp endlessly because there's some kind of fungal infection here making it hard to sleep.

New neighbors are noisy, can hear the bassy sound of their footsteps as they walk around constantly.

Every day is exactly the same. Waking up now at close to 4pm because I'd rather lay in bed with my thoughts than get up to sit on the couch downstairs where my mother monitors my every move as she walks up and down and peeks at me constantly.

It's not her fault, I get it but I can't do this.

I love my alone time. My quiet. In my old place, sitting in a bathtub with the music playing, the lights turned down, bath salts and a good book was heavenly. Sometimes I even had incense burning.

And on occasion, I'd have a puff or two of cannabis to really help me to relax and connect more fully with myself.

I'm an introvert. I can't be around high-energy, unpredictable people. Especially ones that don't have much depth to themselves. Who care about superficial things like the weather, game shows and food.

My studying is still going, I guess. All this content I'm consuming is teaching me a few things here and there as to why and how and where we might be.

And what is the purpose of it all.

I've not found a definitive answer yet. Today I re-read some more of the Gnostic texts, the Apocryphon of John, the Secret Book of James and thought about Yeshua some bit.

What I've noticed is that there are so many conditions of getting to "heaven" that there doesn't seem to be a simplified, straight-forward explanation of how to get there and not reincarnate here again. There are so many variables to it just in Christianity alone.

Last night I watched a two-hour analysis of the Adam and Eve story and the presenter came to the same conclusions that I did a long time ago. And added more interesting detail to it,

For instance, the snake in the garden is Yeshua. That is our liberator. He was there and was then labelled a "snake" for assisting Adam and Eve into achieving self-awareness and a higher state of consciousness.

Yahweh, however, was a physical being and one of several where the Bible in Genesis describes as being from the "divine council".

A lot of Christians will roll their eyes at this but they have not really examined the words of the faith they supposed profess themselves to have.

Why was man created in OUR image? Why is the plural used? "Let US create man in OUR image" and then what predated this story? The book of Genesis isn't the oldest story there is.

The presenter I watched tied Yahweh/Yeshua to Enli/Enki from Sumerian lore. Where Yahweh is a jealous God who will flood the Earth and murder millions without care, Yeshua is the opposite. He was like Prometheus wanting to give fire to humanity.

I'm not going to recycle all the facts from the video I watched but it was a conclusive, non-conspiratorial dissection of the stories we base our beliefs and religions on.

The reason I'm searching so hard for meaning right now is because... I guess I want to know before I die. I want to know who is ruling over us. What is God? Ahura Mazda? Who is "The Father" that Yeshua spoke of?

When you think about it, if Enli (Yahweh) and Enki (Yeshua) are both in opposition to each other, then they for whatever reason allowed the other to exist. The "divine council" can't be made up of just two beings so we have to assume at least three other "Gods" existed along with them.

Perhaps it would be better to describe these "Gods" as Archons which means "ruler" in Latin.

Same idea with the word "Lord". 

Who is the Lord? The one that flooded the Earth? Or the one that rules this world?

Yeshua spoke about who the true ruler of the world is. Satan, although the presenter I watched made a conclusive case that him and Yahweh are one and the same.

We've been lied to in our Bibles. It's always been an inversion. No wonder I was deeply suspicious of the Old Testament. The New Testament isn't as full of holes but it does have some contradictions in it as well.

I think my mind most wanders over to why Yeshua was allowed to be crucified. I don't know if he did it willingly. But if he saw it coming, then it must have been willingly. Prior to his trial, Yeshua reminded the Apostles that they would have a place in his Kingdom and that The Father had promised one to him.

What I wonder is where is this kingdom? Satan/Yahweh is the ruler of this world so therefore the kingdom Yeshua spoke of had to be someplace else.

Someplace better. Perhaps the Pleroma that Gnostic writings describe.

I sometimes get exhausted thinking about all this trying to connect the dots. So many sources and possibilities to draw from. Nothing fully clicks unless Sumerian lore is included. Which then paints a picture much like the movie Jupiter Ascending where "royalty" that lives for thousands of years keeps the inhabitants of Earth in ignorance so that they can reap the benefits of our energy.

If this is the reality we live in, then fuck this place. 

Did Yahweh really create Adam and Eve and suppressed their consciousness? Why was he alarmed when he said "now they are like us, knowing good and evil"?

Because he did not want our minds to expand, thats why.

No wonder so much poison is in our environment. In our food, water and skies. EMF waves everywhere, nanoparticles of plastic all over the place. Fluoride. Low-quality entertainment and education and media.

No wonder art isn't held to a high regard anymore. Rock music is dead. Classical music isn't appreciated enough. There is no counter-culture music like metal or punk that kids today care about listening to and want to model themselves towards.

I know this is a spiritual war we're in and I have no options to escape where I am.

Every day I keep thinking back to that stock portfolio of mine. Had I cashed it out and paid my debts I would have had close to 100k to work with. 

I realize now I would've rented out my house and moved to someplace like Ecuador where I could live cheaply in warm weather and away from all this nonsense and drama and inflation and pollution and people who are covered in tattoos and care about superficial nonsense like sports. Double/triple vaccinated. 

God do I want to leave this place. All I have left in my mind is a fantasy that is pointless to entertain because I have no way of realizing it at the moment.

My mother wouldn't understand any of this. It's so lonely being here with her.

She's happy with her game shows and whatever it is she watches on the television. I can't stand the advertisements I'm seeing now. The fake joyfulness in them with mixed-race couples. The calculated hypnotic way of getting you to buy something or to pay attention to a particular brand. They call it television "programming" for a reason.

This world really is hell. I think we are at the lowest plane of existence. 

No wonder from an early age I felt such a pull towards the 1950s. I loved that era. So innocent, so wholesome. Music was good, food looked amazing, homes could be paid off in 5 years on a single salary. Society was homogenous. Christian values were important to uphold.

Then the 60s arrived and started changing it all. Feminism came in and inflation began to creep up by the time Nixon got into office, taking the Americans off the gold standard which Canada also did. Women began entering the workplace thanks to people like Dolly Parton "9 to 5" pushing for careers and independence. Caring less and less about traditional gender roles as they competed with men for work.

I don't mean for this to be a ramble but I say all that to illustrate how far we've fallen.

The best times in history was probably between 1950 and 1995. 

45 years is all the prosperity that humanity gets.

Prior to the 50s was the world wars which we were duped into fighting. 

Prior to that was a lot of farming and poverty. Serfdom, basically.

The renaissance was nice, I suppose. But who knows. 

Maybe the Victorian era was nice also. If you were wealthy on an estate run by slaves, I suppose.

And I keep finding evidence that we've been deceived about our history. Anything before 1800 is suspect. 

I really think we are being controlled and guided by nefarious intelligences. I don't see a benevolent "God" stepping in to intervene anywhere. We haven't seen the Red Sea get parted. No burning bushes that talked. 

And God didn't intervene when his son was on the cross.

I really hope his last words wasn't "Father, why have you forsaken me" because... A man of his faith deserved divine intervention at that critical moment.

Unless, he really died for our sins. What does that mean exactly? Does it mean that our sins are forgiven if we accept his sacrifice? From a Gnostic perspective, it would mean we wouldn't be getting a "life review" upon our death or having to fulfil any karma. It would be like humanity has a credit card debt and Yeshua came to pay that debt with his life.

So much has been missing from the Bible. Who knows what is at the Vatican library that they're keeping from us.

One thing for sure, they mock the snake. We see it in the Vatican hall.

And they mock Yeshua.

So there's something there.

Yeshua is real. 

Yeshua must be Enki.

And it is possible that he already has returned, if we look at old world architecture like this:

Not easy to build, right?

Horses and buggies as you can see.

And the statues...

Carved from marble. No big deal right? Easy to do with a hammer and chisel.

We've been lied to big time.

Perhaps the Millennial Reign already took place. Yeshua had ruled for 1,000 years and Revelation was fulfilled at around 70AD.

He did say he would be back "within the generation" of when his Apostles were still alive.

He probably did. 

It would explain all the beauty that was left behind so long ago in our past. Works of wonder and incredible craftmanship. All with a religious/Catholic focus.

Can't find a Muslim statue that looks anywhere near that nice.

Yeah. We've been lied to.

And so many of us are tired of it. They lie about JFK, about aliens, about Vietnam and Hitler and so many more things that few people know or care about.

Lied about everything.

So what is this place? Why are we here?

Why the need for secrecy?

And if things continue as they are and more people are waking up to the lies, I fear one of two things will happen.

A horrible outcome for humanity and a good one.

But both are manufactured anyways.

We still will be ruled by those in power. Whether they are central bankers, the BIS, the Royal bloodline families or whatever.

Still going to be ruled.

And even if the "truth" looks to be presented to us, in this age of artificial intelligence, nothing can be trusted.

Fake images, fake words, fake videos.

Anything can be faked.

Anything can be censored.

I really don't want to be here anymore.

I pray for some kind of miracles but pray to who? Is it praying or begging?

Or should I be praying to myself? To awaken the power within me? To be as a "God" in the way that Yeshua described ourselves as.

Genesis has a very telling excerpt in it.

The Lord God made garments of skin for Adam and his wife and clothed them. And the Lord God said, “The man has now become like one of us, knowing good and evil. He must not be allowed to reach out his hand and take also from the tree of life and eat, and live forever.” So the Lord God banished him from the Garden of Eden to work the ground from which he had been taken. 

After he drove the man out, he placed on the east side[e] of the Garden of Eden cherubim and a flaming sword flashing back and forth to guard the way to the tree of life.

It was always about the tree of life.

Always.

I want to be in Vilcabamba, Ecuador.

May the Gods grant my request.