Tantra

Fuck, man.

She just left this morning.

I think it's ridiculous at this point. I see what she wants me to become.

A doormat. An eager dog.

And doesn't want to take responsibility for her actions.

That woman hurt me days ago, and now acts like we shouldn't ever talk about it again and that all is well.

No effort. No respect. And definitely no empathy.

That's been the real weakness of hers which has affected our relationship the most. A lack of empathy.

It's as simple as engaging with me when I'm excited about something and asking for details even if she isn't interested in them. But, she doesn't do that.

She'll say, "I'm excited to hear you tell me more about it later" and then later comes and it's not brought up.

Empathy is not texting me with words like, "hiya! White Spot" and nothing else.

Empathy is accounting for the possibility that I don't know what White Spot is.

Empathy is sharing the details. Imagining someone with a question in their head after a statement like that and saying what is needed to further clarify the statement without having to be prompted to do so.

Empathy is... going outside of yourself and imagining the other person's perspective. And then accounting for it whenever possible. Easing it. Showing compassion and interest.

I don't know man. I said before that there are no bad students, only bad teachers, and what I saw from her this morning made me sick.

She's a master at deflection. I can bring up great points about anything, and she will know how to not answer them.

Or to make excuses where she doesn't take responsibility.

And if a few days pass after her transgression, she will not keep that thought in mind. The thought of reparations and making things right.

Yesterday was an example of this. She texted me saying she wanted to do tantra tonight. First thought in my head was that she was coming home late from work and was likely going to go to bed early. We wouldn't have time for it.

I mention that and she says, "oh, we can put 5 minutes towards it."

Five minutes. She's willing to allocate 5 minutes towards connecting to each other more deeply.

But that's it.

Granted, last night she stayed up longer than expected, but she didn't make the most of that time together.

Wasn't particularly affectionate or loving.

But still wanted to "connect" and do tantra.

I think the part I disliked the most was sleeping with her. No physical contact and I feel weird about touching her now. I touched her a few times, no response. No reciprocity.

So.. why am I bothering to do so? I took initiative.

How many times should I be rejected before I stop trying. Or caring?

I think we're at this low point. She's funneled me down a specific way of behaving around her.

Can't really joke with her because she gets offended easily. Also, she doesn't seem to like them anyways. And she sure doesn't have any jokes or teasing of her own that aren't of the negative/cynical/sarcastic variety.

My heart sank yesterday when she suggested we watch a film called Lucifer Rising.

I'm pretty tired of her fascination with dark and evil things.

I also think that there's not much that is genuinely good about her as a human being.

That's a strong statement. I hate to say it. She has this superficial way of presenting a good side of herself but her actions and her interests and what she is attracted towards, speak otherwise.

She wants to... be involved with that dark shit.

She thinks its hot.

It turns her on. Not meaningful soul connections where we feel love pass between us. But connections where "energy" is most felt and lust is coursing through our bodies.

Ultimately, it is about how SHE feels and not how her partner feels, that matters most.

Last night I had sex with her and gave her an orgasm.

I didn't have one myself.

So. It wasn't... my motivation to have an orgasm. I wasn't being selfish because I could have came 6 or 7 times during the course of all that.

And...

I don't see her doing the same. Putting aside her own self-interests to focus on mine.

At her own expense.

There is something deeply wrong with that woman.

I wish I knew how to make it right.

I think we are in a war of ideologies. She doesn't believe in Lucifer or the devil or hell or evil.

I do.

The way I think and feel about things, is not the way she does.

That's fine. We're different people with different beliefs.

But on the important issues... We don't... can't see eye to eye.

I... can't say that I honestly feel loved by her. And the problem for me is that I don't know what she is truly feeling.

She claims to love me... but...

She doesn't show it in the way that any loving person would do.

I can tell my mother loves me. I've been in relationships where I felt loved.

I see couples in movies and in real life that show what love is supposed to look like.

And I don't see it with us. With her.

I see this... shell. This automation.

This selfish human being.

And... I hate writing this because it makes me feel like I could be the selfish one. The one that
nitpicks everything and makes unreasonable demands only for my own interests.

I have to admit that this is a troubling situation to be in. I should know when I feel loved. That's not unreasonable. She's hurt me a few days ago and then hand-waves it away the very next day.

And flips the script on me. Throwing a tantrum and guilting me for not coming over for dinner like she asked. Day after she...

This thing is falling apart.

This thing is a game.

And it looks like she's winning.

And I don't know what to do next.

I don't have any respect. And... I can't feel good about being around her because of it.

How do I earn respect?

If she told this to me "you have to earn my respect" I would understand that better than if she didn't.

Just like I told her how it's important to earn my trust. It's a process. That is something not given freely and instantly like she expects.

She really does not think about the damage she causes.

And I, like a fool, keep forgiving her.

Allowing her to get away with it. Allowing it to continue.

It's abuse.

And I'm permitting it.

How do I counter this? How can I make this better?

I would say to focus on myself, for starters. She shouldn't be the reason I exist in this world. To please her.

She's so full of excuses whenever I call her out on her stuff. I honestly was so impressed at her ingenuity for the way she navigated our argument this morning. Making me look like an insufferable critic.

She's brilliant at manipulation.

Absolutely brilliant.

My mistake is to afford her respect. To give her the chance to redeem herself.

Over and over.

And she doesn't seem to understand what it is that I need in order to feel good about being in this relationship.

There are so many small things that irritate me. The brief touch she gives me and pulls away at exactly the right moment. The fleeting kisses where nothing lingers enough to be meaningful. The... carelessness. The inability to understand the consequences of her actions until they become obvious enough and a problem that needs to be fixed.

She won't... doesn't... anticipate problems. She allows them to grow and fester until it reaches a point where she acknowledges their existence.

She doesn't promote harmony. Just drama.

Chaos. Not order.

Resentment and a lack of trust...

So what am I doing?

Why am I allowing this to go on?

Why is she?

Every argument we'll have in the future is going to be handled the way they are now. With excuses and deflections and ignorance and a lack of respect. No accountability. No progress. Just sweep it under the carpet and forget that it ever happens because tomorrow is a new day and the past is in the past.

Like I said. She's brilliant.

And I can see how she would be able to destroy me.

At the same time... I've suffered worse in the past. So this isn't as difficult to bear.

And yet... I should not have to bear it.

But I do.

Because... maybe, because I'm weak.

And stupidly naive.

There must be something I can do about this that doesn't involve leaving.

She is... such a difficult person.

There is no predictability there, either.

Who knows what she will come up with the next day or the day after that.

Used to get her gifts, but slowed down because it didn't seem like she appreciated them.

Or deserved them.

Her sister isn't all that much different. Gave her Christmas presents twice, and haven't received anything from her. Didn't get a thank you this year either. Although Fola said her mom and Sade and Ivy said thank you in her message, it might not even be true. And even if it was, it's not as good when the thank-yous come second-hand.

It's better to deliver thank-yous to the person that it is intended for. She has my number.

And I've seen the video Fola filmed of her opening my gifts. She didn't appreciate the thought and effort I put into it.

And she hasn't put any thought or effort into me.

So...

How do I fix all this?

Can I possibly ever repair such damaged people?

Why is that my responsibility?

Because I'm...

...Stupidly naive.

And I don't know anymore how to be around others. What makes them feel good in my mind is not what they seem to end up feeling.

What can I do about it?

Humor her. Not give a fuck. Keep my vulnerabilities and weaknesses to myself.

Let her imagination fill in the blanks and prompt action on her part.

If such a thing is even possible or likely.

...

More than a few times I've walked away from this mess.

And now... it seems like I'm chained to the wall.

Unwilling to leave.

And she has no fear of it by this point. I'm sure she doesn't.

Without that fear, she'll always disrespect me.

Typical....

Why are so many women like this?

They only care when you no longer do. When you have something to offer them and decide that they are unworthy of it.

Then they care.

I've only met a few people in my life who truly want the kind of relationship that I do.

And yet... fear clouded my ability to do so.

Fear that has been instilled in me over countless rejections and disappointments.

So many dates with superficial and careless women.

That when the one good person does come along, I have my armor up and bracing for an impact that never comes.

I end up going on the offense. Making sure to protect myself as best as I can. Mindful of the many wounds I've suffered in the past and unwilling to suffer further.

Georgina was one of those girls.

I was such an idiot while with her.

How long has it been since I last saw her?

And I still think of her. She's still listed as a beneficiary on my pension plan at the union hall.

She was a good person. But, she handled our breakup poorly. Through text.

That was...

I don't like thinking about it.

Makes me question if she really was a good woman after all.

I suppose that is my own fault for not showing my vulnerability enough.

My armor was convincing enough for her to end things that way. Thinking that I wouldn't be affected by that approach. Otherwise, she would've done it differently. With more care and compassion.

But... that is in the past. I've learned from it.

And applied those lessons onto the wrong girl.

Imagine if I had done for Georgina what I've done for Fola.

Met her kid. Had sacred sex. Show my vulnerabilities.

Opened up.

Things would have been a lot different.

But... that was then.

And this is now.

And I'm... truly lost...

And I truly feel like an idiot at times.

What am I waiting for? For her to cheat on me?

To leave me for someone else?

I think I am. Because then I can say that I've given this my best. I've never tried so hard to make something work like I have with this.

I also want her to make a hypocrite of herself. So that her promises of us going on a trip and moving in and living on an acreage were all what they were.

Lies.

Delusions.

And knowing her, these lies and delusions will be forgotten about.

Especially if she meets someone exceptional.

And then she'll justify it all away.

"Oh, that guy was so demanding and controlling and I can't believe I thought he was my twin flame."

And she'll move on with her life.

Not caring about what she may have done to me.

And to herself.

Until maybe...

She gets tired of the new guy too.

Or...

Something else. Maybe he leaves her.

And then she'll know the pain of heartbreak once she is alone.

And realize what she's thrown away.

What she's... allowed to wither...

Because of her pride. Her unwillingness to take responsibility and make the necessary changes.

I am thinking of the words Ralph Smart used when describing a "water" relationship. His explanation of the difference between a water relationship and a coca-cola relationship, is that one is taken for granted and is not good for the soul. While the other is a profound connection, but requires constant nurturing and investment.

We're so borderline on this...

I don't feel like I am ready to commit to her. Not after everything she's done.

My trust is broken. Hardly any faith left.

And she doesn't think she needs to do anything to restore it.

All she wants is whatever she wants at whatever time she feels it.

Tantra.

Give me tantra.

Fuck the pain that I caused you.

It no longer exists.

And I'm a bad person for saying that it does.

God help me.

A beacon of light in the dark

Things have been getting clear for me lately. More stupid stuff has happened with Fola these past few days and... yeah, blog, looks like we're back together in spite of what I last said.

In spite of everything I've said on this blog.

Here's the clarity part.

She is confused. Lost. Prideful and selfish.

And her mission is to undermine my own.

I see it in the arguments that we have. In her actions. She'll say one thing and does another.

But at the same time, she does appear to genuinely try.

At times.

And there is progress.

But... progress towards what? And a few days ago she texted me saying that she felt like I was pulling her into some kind of game. A thought that occurred to me about her, earlier when we first met.

Funny how the game is only now being realized by her.

Not that I have been treating it that way. I'm only doing what I feel that I have to do.

My role in all this, I suppose, is to be her teacher.

And... Well... I've had some success with her, I must admit.

And plenty of failures.

These are not words I'd ever confess to her. But yes, she is confused and I'm supposed to help with that.

However, she is... she has her own agenda. And that is, to confuse me.

And she's doing very well at it.

In saying all this, I don't like to admit that I have some kind of special authority or expertise to be her teacher. But, I do know things that can be taught that she has yet to learn.

And she does learn these things. Sometimes she forgets them, but she sometimes remembers them too.

So... one step back, one step forward, I suppose.

What ties in nicely with this post is that I binge-watched Cobra Kai the day before and finished the series this morning. Fantastic show. And the real theme of it is:

"There are no bad students, only bad teachers."

And... it clicked for me.

It does make sense. My age. My experience. What I'm drawn towards and how I feel about certain things.

What my values are. My arguments. My way of thinking.

My so-called maturity.

My apparent strength.

Capacity for forgiveness.

Patience.

These things are.. what a teacher needs, I feel.

I have to exemplify them.

And also, to earn respect by who I am.

And that entails... becoming more of an inspiration to her, I think.

Otherwise, what kind of teacher would I be if I am failing to heed my own lessons?

And also.. If I am not a figure of admiration enough for my teachings to have credibility to be taken seriously.

That's the tough part. Having her do as I say and as I do.

I can't ever..

Hmm.. Can't expect her to rise above the level that I set for myself.

I know that's an arrogant statement, but I feel it's true.

There's a reason why she's still with me this whole time.

I'm hard of hearing. I can be annoying to deal with when I can't hear everything that is being said and my pride defends itself by pretending that I do.

I'm living a lie while trying to live the truth.

It's a... tough way of living.

Kind of like a sex addict who continues to have sex with multiple different women while preaching celibacy to others.

Kind of like that.

I want to be true to myself, but God has given me a disability. And my ego has developed a thick sense of pride and ignorance about it.

And at the same time, there is not much I can do about this problem. I don't have money for hearing aids and I fear what would happen if I wore them. My hearing could get even worse if certain sounds are amplified.

... I can't in good conscience be giving advice on spiritual matters when I am dealing with learning to implement that same advice into my own life.

That's hypocrisy.

Lying to myself and others.

And...

I hate it.

But...

This is the challenge I am dealing with. Multiple challenges...

Anyways... The point of all this is that I'm supposed to practice what I preach and that she is looking to me to teach her.

She has learned so much already...

And I fear that... maybe... there's not much left to offer.

I don't think our relationship is as good as it could be.

It certainly isn't as magical as it was at the beginning.

But it does have its moments.

And...

I have to persevere.

She can break up with me, but I don't think I can.

I've tried enough times.

Hasn't worked. I'm too forgiving.

Can't seem to hold a grudge very well. Although I do carry resentments that I remind myself about from time to time.

She really wants to practice magic. She really is seduced by darkness.

And pretends to serve God amongst all the confusion she's invited within herself.

I told her today that she couldn't serve two masters.

Her response was that there are no masters.

And yet...

Sighs...

She believes in ascended masters.

So... wtf.

Perhaps "experts" is a better substitute. And yet...

Shouldn't God be considered a master if He has created all this?

Doesn't "master" mean "someone of high or unmatched expertise" ?

I would qualify God as such.

Anyways... Things are a bit clearer.

I seem to be stumbling my way towards the truth.

Slowly but surely.

Eventually I'll get there.

And I hope I will be...

In good hands when I do.

Christmas

Woke up to a Medium subscription on my phone from Fola.

I'm glad I wrote what I did last night.

And... I was thinking this morning that in spite of all that happened yesterday, I am probably going to forgive.

My... mind isn't cooperating with me right now. I'm stuck on what to type next after my last sentence.

Was thinking of other things to mention about yesterday that I didn't and... I just don't... Feel like it anymore I guess.

Opened up this blog to specifically rant on her some more and...

What's the point?

I was hoping she would take pictures of everyone's reactions to my gifts this morning and she didn't.

Told me yesterday to remind her. I've asked her twice to do this for me.

Why should anyone have to remind a mother to take pictures of Christmas morning with their child and family?

She really doesn't care.

Just got a text from her a short while ago thanking me for the pizza cutter. No mention of the rubber chicken that I've gotten three of them. No pictures of anything. No comment on what Sade thinks about her gift or Ivy or her mom.

Just made it all about her.

I shouldn't be surprised. I've seen enough of her to know that this is the disappointment I'm expected to endure for as long as we're together.

She can't be "fixed" if she doesn't want to be.

She won't change into something that she is not.

She won't become a Georgina.

And... though I get fooled by her time and time again, she won't be genuinely expressing love to me by her actions.

Words... texts...

But nothing from the heart.

Nothing in her eyes. Her smile. Her actions...

Like taking the pictures I asked her to because I'm not able to be there while everyone opens their gifts.

Can't count on her for anything.

Other than to be disappointed and hurt. Repeatedly.

Disrespected. Not taken seriously.

And so on.

What a way for me to begin my Christmas.

This isn't how it should be.

Failed

I can't sleep.

I can't...

Fuck.

I can't be with her.

Not after what I saw tonight.

She texted me these nice things before I arrived, but when I got there, she was shut off and it was almost like I didn't exist.

"I am excited to see you"

And she wasn't.

Got in and not a few minutes go by before I felt completely abandoned and forgotten about.

Had to ask her for a drink of something. After over  a half hour of being there, watching her daughter play at the dining room table because there was nothing else for me to do or say.

She was more interested in her friend Lenore than she was with me.

I hated it. Saw the body language. Noticed her sitting closer to Lenore while keeping a distance from me.

The odd time she turned around to look at me, she smiled as if she was enjoying my discomfort.

Didn't give any fucks about my being there.

Asked me if I wanted red or white wine when she knows that I don't drink white wine. It's like she doesn't even think about me anymore.

The worst part of the evening for me was her "joke" about giving some guy her number because he was a rich doctor or some such.

That's not my girlfriend.

That will not be my wife.

Didn't try and make me feel comfortable or loved or accepted or cared about.

Thought about.

Despite what she texted me with earlier. I don't think she's ever said anything to me in person like she did in those texts.

"You are my beloved and I am excited for you to meet my family"

Show up and she's ego-tripping on her own nonsense.

Too oblivious to be aware of herself. Or of me.

Her supposed beloved.

I watched when Ben came in through the door. Lenore gave him the hug that I would've liked from Fola.

Watched them at the dinner table and they were so affectionate that Sheila had to ask if they were newlyweds.

"No. We just really love each other."

Ben sat on the floor in front of Lenore and got a neck and shoulder massage.

Had ice cream fed to him. Had her stroking his hair and touching him.

Smiling at him.

And my girlfriend is practically cuddled up next to Lenore and hardly acknowledging that I exist.

Yes, she stroked my leg a few times but I couldn't enjoy it as much as I wanted to. It was hours after I arrived. Felt like she was doing it because she knew she was neglecting me all this time and had an obligation to show some moderate level of affection towards me.

Felt so fucking fake.

I couldn't sleep tonight. Was laying in bed thinking about all this.

"Give him my number! ehhhh just kidding"

That's not my girlfriend.

I've never felt so alone at a public event before.

Never felt so unwanted.

And I shouldn't have to feel like that if the love of my life is with me.

But I did.

And... I feel like such a fool. Felt like I've been lied to and manipulated and connived against and toyed with and disrespected and...

Fuck.

FUCK.

All that talk was just that. Talk.

Lenore asked me when we are going on a trip.

Makes my blood boil. I hate thinking about us going on a trip. Wanted to go to Cuba a year ago. Wanted to go throughout the year.

Nothing. NOT A FUCKING THING.

I can't plan for it. We discussed this. It'll mean she has to book time off work and make arrangements for Ivy.

And fuck... another thing that makes my blood boil.

"I am going to Brazil!" she squawked. On more than a number of ocassions.

To see this John of God guy... and the Spiritist centres they have there.

Well, John of God was accused of sexual assault by over 300 women and the tour group she wanted to join is no longer associating themselves with him.

But she really wanted to go. And...

Fuck.

Thinking about how she told me when she gets her pension money we'll go.

That came and went.

Just.. fucking lies from her mouth.

And... I hate it when she lights up and brags about how she would be good at being a concubine or a whore whenever we watch some show where women are tempting men.

"I bet I'd be so good at that!"

Not my girlfriend.

Never will be my wife.

I saw part of the gift she gave me today. Just a pizza cutter. I don't need it. I already have one at home.

No... thought put into that. I feel stupid for the amount of effort I've put into gifts for her and her family.

I was..

This is too painful to write.

I don't even feel like completing the last of her gifts. The picture frames with photos of us inside.

She isn't going to appreciate them. Or if she does, she isn't going to reciprocate.

She isn't going to care enough to ever do the same.

I've failed. Maybe its my fault for not being attractive enough to her.

Not vulnerable enough. But I already know not to be vulnerable around her.

It never works out.

Just admitting weakness to the enemy.

I truly feel like this woman enjoys causing me pain on a level that she isn't aware of.

This... rollercoaster has got to stop.

I think my lesson here is clear. To stand up for my worth and to leave her behind for the unknown that awaits me.

Maybe I'll die alone.

Maybe I'll find the right one for me.

Maybe she will, also.

Maybe she won't.

I don't think she will change. She doesn't have the maturity I need from a partner. She is not... my equal or my twin. She doesn't reflect my values as a twin flame should.

She doesn't care about...

Fuck, it doesn't matter anymore what I write, does it?

Just endless complaining. Endless hurt.

Bright spots here and there when she decides to take us seriously.

That's the only time when things work out between us. When she fears losing me.

And... why the fuck does she want to be with me still?

I don't get it.

Well... I do get it, but I'm not giving her what she wants on a silver platter like she expects me to.

I want a girlfriend I feel rejuvenated by. Loved and cared by. Respected by.

Not one that fucking drains me and revels in the damage she causes that she can't ever hope to explain. And even when she does explain, it often doesn't make sense. And in the rare times when it does make sense, it rarely gets taken seriously enough to be mindful of for longer than a day or two.

Seems like I'll always have the same complaints about her.

She'll always be sending me thoughtless messages that she can't be bothered to proof read. Messages that sometimes make no sense whatsoever.

"hiya! White Spot"

Is one of them. Even if I knew what White Spot is (some restaurant I've never heard of), it wouldn't make sense to text "hiya! A&W" either.

No picture or anything. Just that. Blind ignorance.

No empathy.

Can't be bothered to explain because she is not able to place herself in my shoes and assume that I don't know what the hell she's talking about.

Even my stepdad yesterday left a comment on her "meditation" video.

His words were: "What the hell are you talking about?"

I don't feel loved by her and I can't respect her. She doesn't... care enough about me to want to earn any of it from me.

And that hurts.

But...

Fuck...

FUCK.

I can't let that get to me.

It seems that I'm only able to function around her and impress her by being non-chalant and aloof.

To keep my distance far enough so that she will always wonder what it is I'm actually thinking and feeling.

She doesn't deserve to know any of what I'm thinking and feeling.

Not when she...

Uses it against me.

It's like... I'm in this war... and I'm telling the other general what my plans are. What my troop numbers are. Where we plan to attack and defend.

Why the fuck am I so stupid?

I can't trust her. I don't think she can be trusted.

Her soon to be ex-husband will testify to that.

She broke her vows. Convinced him to sleep around because she is "sex positive" and doesn't believe in monogamy.

Who can trust someone like that?

This idiot, right here. Tried.

Thought that love could transform someone.

I don't know. Maybe some people just...

Are... unwilling to go that far.

At least for longer than a little while. Until they are back to the way they are. Where it's comfortable and not so strange. Familiarity.

I... really disliked her story about this girl she met at Remedy that she felt threatened by. She didn't like her hair and her voice and the conversation and... there was this moment in her telling all this where she stood up and pretended like she was yelling at the woman in question. This... angry... reaction to a complete stranger...

There is something really wrong with that woman.

I can't be with her.

And now.. I have to think about the future.

I can't go on pretending like this.

I can't be comfortable walking around eggshells with her.

And she shouldn't be comfortable doing the same with me, either.

One thing that tonight taught me was how much I appreciate my mother. Her warmth, her compassion, her humor and heart.

And I think of Georgina again, too. She was... the one girl that most resembled my mother.

Her spirit was... very similar... but somewhat... more refined. More pure.

And I fucked it up because I was too scared. Never met her kids after six months of dating. Kept making excuses not to talk to her on the phone because I didn't like the feeling of opening up and being vulnerable after such a long string of heartache.

I know that if I ... break up with Fola, I'm going to have to deal with this all again. I'm going to have to be .., I'll have to be... willing to love and trust. And to be courageous enough to walk away if I'm not attracted to someone instead of going along with someone who I don't want to be with.

Just because I suppose.. the fear of being alone gets to me. The fear of being unloved.

And... maybe this is what Fola and I have in common... except... when we are given what we want, it becomes easy to take it for granted. Once we have whatever we aspire towards, the shine fades off for no reason other than our own boredom.

I think of the stars in the sky and how beautiful they can look. I think of how few people look to admire them and if they do, it is for a brief instant and they are back to being ignorant.

Beautiful things are always beautiful. And worth preserving and protecting and being in gratitude of them.

Not... enjoyed for brief moments here and there with the rest of the time being complacent and ignorant of the treasure that is right in front of their eyes.

I feel like... there's some karma here... maybe I was a womanizer in a past life. Maybe I broke a lot of hearts myself and now these hearts are back to give me what it is that I deserve.

Vengeance for all that I have done.

And perhaps I've hurt Fola more than anyone.

I don't know.

I'm not sure what to do next, my blog. I don't know.

I can't go on pretending like this.

So close to love and yet so far.

Just... this pale approximation of it... this... creature that sometimes rises up to play a role that is against the very nature of who she is.

And.. maybe... that pain... is not something I am responsible for. In the present or the past.

Maybe... I heal these women by rejecting them. Or having them reject me.

In some weird way.

If ...

Sighs.

I don't feel like writing much more about all this.

But I had to let it out.

Can't keep this bottled up forever.

When I came home after the party, I sobbed for a minute while kneeling by the couch.

Couldn't handle this pain.

Had to release it.

I can't count on her for anything. It used to be sex, but that has changed because who knows what "mood" she is going to be in.

Can't count on her for anything.

She won't give support when I need it. Though she'll say she will and will do a horrendous job of it.

She won't... keep to her promises and show progress towards the fulfillment of them.

She isn't the sort that I can ...

Fuck man..

I've written enough.

Why... why would I want this woman to be the one who raises my child? To start a family with? To spend a long life into old age with?

I can't see it.

She talked about the acreage today around her mom. Just this "when we get our acreage..." comment, which was nice, but at the same time reminded me of her other promises.

The trip.

Moving in.

Promising to be more mindful of her text messages.

Promising to be more affectionate towards me in person.

Promising not to close off as much.

...

God....

Look at me type all this.

I...

Can hardly think of anything nice to say.

Other than that she touched my leg for a few minutes tonight.

How pathetic does that sound?

I suppose if the shoe was on the other foot, she wouldn't have many nice things to say about me tonight either.

Maybe she'll say that I was polite.

And that... I looked nice.

That's really it. And I can't say much positive about myself either.

I wasn't on top of my game. Felt like I was entering a boxing match and left the ring to be a spectator because my coach was busy getting beers for himself and mingling with everyone else in the crowd.

Rather than to stand by me.

To give me strength beyond the words he encouraged me with earlier. Before I arrived.

To be there when I need him.

...

And...

I can't ... will not be with her.

I suppose.. I have to start shifting away.

Maybe I just have to wait until she breaks up with me.

But that's what cowards do, isn't it?

Shouldn't I stand up for myself and say that I've had enough?

And MEAN it this time?

Not like the dozens of other times where I've been so quick to forgive but can't quite forget because she doesn't have much of an interest in making up for anything?

Will I always carry the memory of her abandoning me after I spent three weeks up north and booked a hotel for us that she turned down so she could go clubbing with her sister?

And then not come over afterwards to see me?

...

She's with me because she likes the way I can make her feel.

But... that comes at a price.

I know it's not unconditional love.. but I would be a fool to give that to someone I don't trust or feel loved by in return.

Perhaps... I can forgive her when I understand why things are the way they are with her.

But I don't.

I don't understand her.

The pattern always has been amazing highs and then something will happen to tear it all down to the bottom again. Go from great love to great loathing.

There doesn't seem to be any stability. I've told her enough times how important stability is to me.

But she doesn't strive towards that.

I'm not one that is worthy of being given what I want from her.

Not unless...

Fuck...

She manipulates me.

Toys with me.

Treats me like...

An accessory.

There's... so much pain between the both of us.

I... am not perfect. She knows this all too well how imperfect I can be.

And she also knows how perfect I can be.\

I suppose I know the same of her. That's probably why we've been together for almost 2 years now.

We both have seen the best and worst of each other.

And we are addicted to the best.

But...

There's... different priorities going on. What I value is not what she values.

Although we do have some overlaps.

Love and magic.

But... she's gotten both and have lost interest over time.

Until she creates drama enough for me to give a shit again.

And reignite our passions.

Same for her.

When she gives a shit, love and magic becomes common.

Although... it decreases in frequency and intensity.

Because...

I think we're giving less and less of a shit.

I am not going to give her what she wants if there's a good chance she is going to take it for granted.

And she has. Many times.

Doesn't matter how much I try or how well I do.

It's... transitory...

The great sex we've had of yesterday is often always forgotten about the next day.

Nothing lingers.

And...

I'm pretty tired of it.

There's no reason for me to put so much thought into things for her when she feels entitled towards my efforts without having earned the things I do.

I don't like how that makes me sound. Like I'm deliberately holding stuff back from her. Not wanting to fully open myself up and really let myself shine.

But... it's true. I don't like doing this... Not anymore.

Used to.

But not anymore.

Not when I feel like she uses all that against me.

In some fucked up unconscious way.

"Give my number to him! Just kidding!"

I wonder what else she says when I'm not around.

I still remember how she fucked up the last time we broke up and it took her a month to show up at my doorstep.

She thought she didn't have anything to apologize for. Just...

Pick up where we left off and forget that everything happened.

She doesn't even remember the reason for why we broke up. Just creates fiction in her head and then stops thinking about anything once we're back together.

Well.. that's not entirely true... I still remember that first week of us being together. It was amazing.

Felt like she really turned a corner.

Until she stopped trying.

And I knew it was all a deception.

Love and compassion and affection and empathy are not qualities that is bred within her.

Despite how often she claims otherwise.

I know her.

I know her well.

I may not fully understand, but I know her.

I should probably go to bed. I have another dinner party with my mom tomorrow night.

And her.

I hope this... dissipates.

Until at least after the party is done.

Then...

I'll have to... make time for myself and figure things out.

Need to...

Connect with that power again.

And be who I authentically am.

Again.

And not to let some woman take the piss out of me because she is amused by it.

Dangling the promise of love before me like a carrot.

And bringing it close enough before taking it away.

Again.

Again and again.

And again.

I've had enough.

I don't...

I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do.

Breaking up doesn't feel right.

And yet it does.

I am a fool.

And I...

I am someone special.

That I know.

But...

I don't want to guard myself any longer.

I don't want to be made confused and given false hopes.

I need to truly believe the value that I can bring into this world.

And...

Bring it.

Somehow.

Some way.

Soon.

And end this suffering once and for all.

Move on to the next chapter of my life.

With my head held high.

And looking back far enough only to remember not to repeat the mistakes I've made.

If I can manage to find courage to do so.

Perhaps I am the cowardly lion.

And she is the Wizard deceiving me.

Perhaps.

That may be how it truly is.

Gray

It's not a good day when it starts with a phone call from the bank's collection department.

I had to ignore it. What else could I have done? I was sure that I made the payment that they are phoning me to ask for.

It's tough. The stock markets are horrible right now. My once 60k is worth less than half that and there is no turnaround in sight.

Was listening to a motivational video/speech and this one lady in it made me... made me feel that I am at or near rock bottom. And... she made me feel that it is up to me to make things right for myself. To realize my potential and to push myself forward.

But Lord, it is so hard sometimes.

I have tried. I did write a couple of books. I don't know what they are supposed to be and I wish I had the confidence in knowing that they can be great. That they are worth pursuing and developing and publishing and that they will help make me money and... point me towards a new direction in life.

Giving me my optimism back.

That is not to say I don't feel optimistic and that, I think, is a problem.

Willful ignorance can only last for so long.

All I could think of when I saw the collection's ID on my phone was...

It is what it is. And... I can't believe they called on Christmas Eve.

I still have gifts to wrap. I don't know if... I picked the right ones.

I still... have that ego in me which refuses to let go of pride and wanting to be accepted.

Wanting to be loved when I often don't feel that way at all.

I suppose I have no one to blame other than myself for not digging my feet into the ground and pushing forward.

I suppose... I can't blame anyone or anything for the life that I live. Other than myself.

Can't blame God, though I often do.

I have everything I need to become a success. Everything but... the willpower. The drive.

And perhaps, the idea that drives me.

I thought about making a website where I charge people to take lessons. Like, a Mystery School but an honest one. One that respects the intelligence and development of the individual and one that admits to skepticism and not having all of the answers.

An honest school.

And, I can't help but feel that it is... the blind leading the blind. My teaching others of a success for themselves that I myself have not yet realized.

And... I have to be better than this.

I must be. I... don't want to declare bankruptcy at some point. I don't want to be this aimless towards life and not having a goal or feeling like everything is meaningless and without purpose.

Or to accept that the purpose of this life is only to survive.

Everything else is a distraction.

I was reading Desire of All Ages a few days ago and randomly flipped to the chapter on temptation. E.G. White is an incredible writer. Her body of work and her passion is clearly evident. The commitment and faith that woman has...

Faith and commitment that I too, can and have had.

I am meeting Fola's mother tonight for the first time. At a party where I will be the only man there until one other fellow shows up about an hour after dinner starts.

Last night Fola and I spent the evening downstairs in my tent with the candles going. It was magical and... there was something to seeing the candlelight upon her hands and the gold rings and bracelet she was wearing.

It felt like... we've done this before. In a time long past. Within a desert. Sand around us and no one around for miles.

Just silence.

And... it was special.

I... feel like such a loser at times...

I don't want to go down any further than I already am before I push myself to move up.

And yet, this is... looking like the direction I am taking.

For years I have blinded by my ego and pride. Thinking myself to be special and unique and different than all the rest. Not... in this overly prideful way, but in a prideful way nonetheless.

For years I thought myself to have a gift that was waiting for the "right" moment to be given to the world and where all my dreams would come true, once this fated day appears.

But it hasn't. And perhaps... it is my responsibility to make this happen on its own...

Without reliance upon anything other than myself.

...

I write this words feeling... like I've written them many times before. Many times I have acknowledged my suffering and many times I... continue to go on as I am.

Without change. Although, I have tried.

But clearly I have not tried hard enough.

I've not committed myself enough.

Haven't found that strength I've needed. That inspiration which lasts. The vision to fully believe in.

And yet... for a reason unbeknownst to me, I feel... that these things are all there.

Alive...

Alive and...dormant... sleeping...

A part of me says to... weather this storm. It shall pass. And another part is telling me to do something about it.

But what?

One suspicion I have is that I must take responsibility for all this first. I must wake up each morning at a certain time with a certain objective in mind.

I must take it seriously.

If I am not working towards my dreams, than no one will do the work for me.

And they will never be realized until I first commit myself to them.

But, I have to believe in them first.

And for this, I blame God... or the forces outside of myself that seems the gatekeeper and the obstacle that stands before me.

I sometimes see it as... waiting for the muse that never comes.

Holding faith until it does.

I've... had an interesting past few days. Honestly, my life has been interesting in small and numerous ways.

There are synchronicities and conversations I've had with people that I've inexplicably met.

There does appear the hidden hand of God in much of these moments.

I have experienced magic in the past. I know for a fact that it exists. A FACT.

I have been in witness of it.

Again, I feel my path to be shaped by... something other than myself.

I only wonder as to... who it may be. And why.

What... Where am I going?

Who am I meant to become?

At my age, I should already know this.

I should be equipped and able to support a family and yet, I cannot support myself.

I have to admit that.

I am struggling.

I am... heavily in debt.

I am unsure of my girlfriend's love for me. Our... compatibility.

And yet... I... feel that I can trust her even when I can't.

For some strange paradoxical reason.

Deep down, I feel that I have the solution and know what is required.

And yet... courage, eludes me.

Perhaps... this is what I am to meditate towards.

Courage. Faith.

Thinking about God and Jesus and religion in general... As I was reading Desire of All Ages, it struck me how one must truly commit to the idea of expressing loyalty to the powers of Creation.

That seems to be the common thread throughout everything.

Believe. Truly believe and commit yourself to acting out It's will.

I hesitate to do so because I have committed in the past. And it did not work out for me.

Upon more than one occasion.

I admit that I am skeptical now. That I... have this balance going between skepticism and belief.

This agnostic way of being.

An uncertain confidence.

It is 9:15am and I really should get to wrapping up my gifts and preparing for the day ahead.

Though I believe in reincarnation, life happens only right now.

This is the only life that matters. The one that I live.

Despite what may await me on the other side. In spite of the knowing that I may likely return. To try again. To learn a different type of lesson.

Or perhaps,

To repeat the same one. Until I understand it and get it right.

Maybe...

Maybe this is the lesson.

To fight.

To change.

To believe.

To succeed.

To love.

To be true to myself.

And to aspire towards great things.

And realize them.

I have to go.

Each minute that passes was an opportunity.

And I must try and take advantage of all the time that I have.

This is the only life that matters.

May God be with me.

Static

It's been a tough day for me. And night.

I laid in bed early in the evening thinking about how it was with Fola the day prior.

I won't bother getting into details. Mainly because I don't want to relive the pain that comes from speaking of them.

I have to ...

Accept.

And...

Forgive... I suppose...

Part of me feels like I'm rambling with nothing to say. A struggle to piece words together.

Though they flow from my soul, I feel the words to be as empty as I am.

Hollow. Restless.

Resigned.

I can't ... for the life of me know what I should be doing.

Last night I laid in bed praying deeply for answers.

I... felt like I moved far in my... search to discover the truth of my spiritual beliefs.

I.. remember navigating this.. maze.. inside of me to really try and see if I accepted that there is a God and what that God would look like and behave.

What the motivation of Him or It would be.

And... I reaffirmed myself as an instrument to it. I prayed with honesty. Admitting that I didn't have a clear understanding of who or what I was praying towards.

I went over it in my mind. Defined what I thought "God" actually is and developed it from there.

Ultimately, there is the God that is omnisecent and permeates the universe. It is life itself. The planets, the stars, the dark and the light.

The life that exists across and within everything that there is.

Such a being would not be listening to me, would it.

I thought so. For something of such grand intelligence and so all-encompassing; there can be little capacity for it to reflect upon the life of a single individual and to affect a change of sort.

Or to impart a truth. Or to interact directly.

I am only one of many. Many trillions within the universe.

How can such a being know the thoughts of my head and the feelings in my heart?

How can it know what it is that I desire or lack? What could it possibly do to alleviate the pain that I feel inside? By what obligation does it have to interact with me? Does the capacity exist?

That is when my prayers began acknowledging the aspects of God. I understood that there is likely a hierarchy in place. The notion of angels and demi-Gods and demiurges came to mind.

It made sense to me that... There would be... not one singular being, but a multitude of them with their own strengths and weaknesses.

It also made sense to me... to think that at least one of them had the capability and compassion enough to interact with me.

I had to... elevate my beliefs during all of this. I had to be honest with myself.

Perhaps there are angels out there. Or a higher self.

Maybe we are all avatars being remotely controlled from afar.

And I had to accept during my prayers that there must be some kind of intelligence out there that knows my situation and is willing to offer its assistance.

So, I called upon it.

And...

I don't know. Maybe it answered in the form of an idea. But it is an idea that I struggled with today.

I wanted to know what I can do. What I must do.

It seemed that the thought of my starting an online mystery school was the answer that I received.

And yet, I spent most of today not feeling particularly excited about this idea.

I devoted a good amount of time to working on a template to see how such a website would look, and I can't say I am impressed with what I have achieved.

And... I realized that this type of endeavor requires a fair amount of faith and commitment in order for it to work.

... I also realized that I don't have much passion for the idea of teaching "magic" and esoteric concepts like I used to.

Because I honestly don't know what to believe in anymore.

Everything feels so layered and impossible to understand. There is so much contradictory information. There is so much... too much....

That it seems almost pointless to try and sort it all out.

I feel... closed off. Blank. Barely existing.

Can't get excited about my girlfriend anymore. Can't... depend on her. I don't have much confidence in her ability to raise my spirits.

But I do believe in her ability to crush them.

To... make me feel and be at my worst.

It seems that... I...

I am ensnared.

Trapped.

Bled dry.

I've been hurt enough by her.

I don't know if I can... continue to pretend, but pretend I must.

And...

It feels like I've accepted a lie.

Rather than truth.

I've been in denial of the truth for much of the time I was with her.

I... am not a better human being now than I was two years ago.

I...

Have to accept that this is the truth.

My life has not improved since meeting her.

Doesn't feel like it has, anyways.

I... find little joy in the routines of my day.

Movies don't interest me much. Books aren't gripping my attention like they used to.

My writing has suffered, and it is a challenge to put words to paper.

Except for now, I suppose, when the topic at hand is about my feelings.

But that doesn't amount to very much.

My skills as a writer...

...I've talked so long about how I wanted to write a book. To earn a living as an author.

And it doesn't seem to want to happen.

As I write this, I am aware of this... block, before me.

This wall. A barrier that keeps me from accessing the creativity that had once came so easily to me.

Optimism lays beyond this wall, also.

That kind of.. blissful ignorance of my situation.

My faith. In myself and in others and in God.

All kept behind what seems like a door that I am afraid to open.

Or that I am unable to.

I put headphones in my ears and I can't enjoy the music.

I smoke cigarettes and can't enjoy them either.

The pain comes from knowing how I once was, and what I have potential to become.

Potential that feels eroded. For various reasons.

Again I am reminded of the words of the psychic who gave me a spirit-guide reading.

There is a woman in my life whose mission is to spiritually undermine me.

As I type those words, I cannot help but feel the danger that comes with placing blame on my girlfriend. Blame that should not be attributed to anyone but myself, for I should accept responsibility for the way I am feeling. The situation I am in.

And yet, I cannot dispel the notion that she is largely responsible for holding me back.

When things get good between us, she somehow manages to sabotage it.

Her mood swings.. her level of awareness... her...

Mind changes...

And her obsession with spirituality and magic and mystery schools and shamanism.

It all weighs me down.

The pain is not that my girl is involved in those things, but rather, she is... pursuing them for selfish purposes.

She is not genuinely searching for the truth.

She is interested in money and power.

Little else.

Relationships... family...

I really don't like typing about all this.

It feels like I am casting blame.

And yet, I have to admit that I do not feel fully comfortable around that woman.

Our relationship feels like a mine field. One wrong step and something bad will happen.

I... can't communicate with her. Some of her texts are not things she tells me in person, when these are words best said face to face. Some of her texts don't make any sense, with her careless errors of spelling and grammar. I feel that she denies me a large part of who she is by not going into detail with her thoughts and emotions.

I feel that she is perpetually confused at why she does the things she do.

I don't think she understands herself and the confusion of it all is falling onto me to figure it out for her.

And... I feel like I've given her enough of my analysis.

I'm pretty tired of the drama she creates.

Yesterday I told her I was feeling deflated and beat. She did not acknowledge those words.

Instead, she spoke about herself and her fear of being alone and feeling like I've abandoned her.

A guilt trip.

It is almost always about her.

And yet, I've known all along how selfish she can be. How ignorant and lacking in self-awareness she actually is.

I've known this and yet I...

I continue to let this go on.

This madness.

The way she talked about planning her sister's birthday in five months made me realize how she doesn't do anything similar for me.

And I am not saying this because I feel entitled towards that kind of special attention.

More so that I feel as if I... am being...

Punished.

Toyed with.

Taken for granted.

I sometimes wonder what I have done to deserve all this. How I do things for her like showing up with candy that she likes, or being courteous and accommodating when she rarely extends to me the same affections and attentions that I do for her.

I often wonder what it is that I am doing wrong.

Because I am. I must be.

At least in terms of keeping her interested and willing to please.

It feels like... I am being steered towards a particular way of being.

Like, I have to... fit a certain image that I do not enjoy growing into.

... My words are failing me now.

I suppose she wants me to be something that I am having difficulty with becoming.

And sometimes that... person is not who I want to be.

When I give her my best and it is not good enough, I lose a part of myself in the process.

I feel less inclined to give.

Less connected to her and myself.

Imagine finding someone a beautiful gift. You are excited for them to receive it. And when they do, they casually toss it aside like it had no meaning to them.

Then, imagine that feeling to occur multiple times. Once a month, lets say.

That disappointment she creates in me is... not easily... overcome.

Not easily understood, even.

She...

God....

There is a lesson in all this for me, but I don't know for sure what it is.

It feels like all the pieces of the puzzle is right in front of my face but I am too fearful to accept the image that is revealed once I assemble them all together.

It feels like I've compromised myself.

Like I've agreed to a blasphemy that should never have been allowed to take root. Let alone be given water and food enough to grow into what it has now become.

There is a coldness in my hands right now. A stillness in the air that disturbs me,

I feel restless and unsure of what to do. Other than to type.

Type out everything that comes from these fingers of mine.

Blot out the pain that I am feeling by expunging myself.

Purging.

No wonder I've kept this blog up for so long. I've always needed a place to write down these thoughts. To.. try and make sense of them. To calibrate my intentions and goals and visions.

To openly despair and to cry out without anyone knowing.

My safe space.

And... there has been so much perverted by that woman. So...

So much pain and anger and remorse and fear and disappointment and promise and ...

lies.

And she goes on. Not really knowing what is wrong.

Or what she does the things that she does.

I feel like I've confused hate for love.

I feel like I've committed a sin by being with her.

And yet throughout all this, I feel like...

That there's hope somewhere.

Somewhere in this mess there is hope.

There is reason to believe.

To feel and become alive and have faith and joy and...

I don't know if that is the lie or the truth.

Whether I am telling myself all this to keep being with her.

I can't deny that there is a lesson here.

I've tried to leave her multiple times and multiple times we've gotten back together.

Stockholm Syndrome.

If that is the case, then I am truly lost.

And yet.

Doesn't love conquer all?

Can I not transcend how that woman makes me feel?

Can I not be who I am meant to be, without her?

Or with her?

Can... can we... both heal ourselves of the pain we cause to one another?

Because I am responsible for her pain as well.

Though I sometimes wonder how much of the burden is for me to bear.

And how much...

...it doesn't matter...

Again... my words are failing me.

Shouldn't love elevate us?

Free us?

Give us reason to believe in the world?

Open doors that previously have been closed?

... I ask these questions because they are what I believe when love enters into our lives.

I have loved her fully. And I still do.

Try to. Try to do it, I mean.

And it gets really hard at times.

I feel guilty for not wanting to talk to her on the phone. But I would hate myself if I had to pretend that there was nothing amiss. That all was well.

Because it's not.

And I can't expect to confess exactly what it is that I feel because... I cannot expect the sympathy I need. The advice or the actions that would help in easing this pain is not to come from her.

I cannot hope for her to do what is necessary.

Because I have been disappointed enough.

I have seen what she will and will not do.

My body feels cold. Lit up another cigarette. Must have had five already since I started writing this post.

I think of all the motivational quotes. Articles. Stuff I've learned, and none of it... little of it seems to hold me up.

When the truth has no effect on me, what point is there in seeking for it?

When I choose to believe a lie, why should I expect truth to be delivered onto me?

When she promises us to take a big trip somewhere and repeatedly fails to deliver and goes on trips of her own, why do I continue to... believe that it is possible?

Honestly, I don't. I am at that point now. I don't... think...

I don't want to even admit the words.

Now I see why I am struggling.

I am not wanting to believe in the lie.

I hate hearing my parents talk about Cuba. About how Fola and I should go.

And the way Fola... pretends like it will happen.

But, its been over a year since I wanted to go. Many opportunities to do so.

And we didn't go.

No discussion about it.

I can't plan it because I don't think she is going to try and make it happen for us.

Always excuses.

It's never the right time.

I hear...

Sighs...

A part of me just... yelled out at me to stop writing.

It would be easier to stop.

But... I feel like I have to keep going.

That wall, again.

Looms before me.

She promises me the world and delivers onto me disappointment.

It doesn't feel like she loves me.

I... have to ...

accept that?

How can I... accept that she doesn't love me... when it seems like she does?

When she pretends as strongly to me as I do to her?

I'm really tired of being hurt.

Really tired.

How our relationship has gone for this long, I do not know.

Binded together by fear, I suppose.

And I can't deny the magic that passed between us.

The magic that we sometimes still feel.

But is it all really worth going through hell for?

I've tried and failed.

So has she.

But...

I continue to...

Words again... That wall...

Delude myself.

And until I feel that I deserve better, I will always be willing to suffer.

I must firmly believe that I deserve better.

The more she makes me doubt myself, the less deserving I shall feel.

And... I'm a pretty good guy.

Just... a flawed one.

One with big dreams.

Dreams that... I don't feel fully confident in achieving.

Dreams that.. feel undeserved and unearned.

Maybe this is what she senses, also.

That I am a good guy with good intentions and dreams.

And... for whatever harm I may have done to her.. for whatever reasons unknown to me, she... is wanting to destroy them.

Maybe it was something in a past life that I've done.

A karma... a wrong that needs to be made right.

I don't know.

The solution is to surrender.

To remain true to myself.

And let the forces guide me where they may.

Yes, there is a hierarchy of beings out there that exhibit compassion and bestow wisdom and assistance to those that desperately require it.

I am one of those beings.

I am in need.

And I pray for that which may deliver me from evil.

No matter how empty of faith I can be.

I pray with a hollow heart.

For I have little else to give.

And yet...

I have everything.

I have everything.

I am everything.

An Observation

A thought that only now occurred to me has proven itself worth mentioning.

It seems that Fola, in the way that she is, rewards me for behavior that is angry, isolated, or hurt w/fear of absence.

That is when she acts towards me as a normal girlfriend already should.

Already should. And yet, much of the time she does not. She does the opposite.

Today, she baked me lasagna with garlic bread. No one there really wanted lasagna for dinner, but my mouth watered at the sauce she was making.

And then, she gave me a massage shortly after as I sat near the couch with Ivy.

Then, weirdly, Ivy asks me for a massage and alternated between wanting her back scratched and having it pinched by miming to me the pinch of a lobster claw. Uhm.

And spent some time alone with Sade learning how to play this African game called Macala.

What a strange state of affairs. Particularly since I wasn't saying very much while there.

Didn't feel like I deserved what was given me. Or perhaps, I absolutely did deserve it for the way Fola has been towards me these past few weeks.

And for much of our relationship. Weird mood swings and unpredictable anger and distance.

I get to thinking that psychic might be right. The one reading I got about how there is a woman in my life who is looking to spiritually undermine me.

Maybe that is true. Maybe I really am being spiritually undermined.

And I'm not sure what to do about that.

I would say from a spiritual perspective, if I was being "attacked" or conditioned to become less spiritually-enriched, I should have confidence enough in the faith that I have to withstand it.

It means that I should not ever be afraid.

Even when things look bleak, I know that my faith counts for something. If I didn't have it, I would not be able to stand up to the abuse I had suffered from Fola over the two years I've known her.

Yeah, I'll say it again.

Abuse.

Sure feels like abuse when you greet your girlfriend at the door warmly and she fails to really respond to your affections.

Or doesn't notice them enough to feel grateful by their actions.

I somewhat consider that abuse. Particularly when it feels consciously-intended. Like a manipulative tactic.

Those are the moments I would call "abuse" when it is willfully done.

I don't know about unconscious, though. Is there an exemption? Can it really be "unconscious" behavior when it happens so frequently? Does Fola really lack self-awareness to pause and consider the effects of her actions on me?

Her words?

You would think that a perfect girlfriend, or one with warmth and empathy, would know well enough to want to always aim for a harmonious and exciting relationship.

One that is filled with commitment and burns with passion.

You would think the perfect partner is one who actually feels like a partner and encourages their mate to become the best version of themselves possible, as they truly have faith in the potential of them.

And in themselves. A joyous optimism. Surrounded by happiness and light.

That to me is my ideal lady. The Twin Flame I've always wanted but don't seem to presently have.

Though my partner insists otherwise.

I can't deny that we have this incredible connection. When we're connected. When we satisfy each other fully and feel a deep sense of love and concern.

One that isn't bartered or taken advantage of.

Or taken for granted.

A love that endures. Feelings that transcend. A beauty that is constantly revealed and admired.

When we are connected, I must again empathize.

Then we have those things.

But... it seems that much of the time we aren't connected. We aren't as we truly are or were.

We spend a lot of time together with unease.

To me it feels like, anyways.

I'd get some nice texts from her but she doesn't seem to say these things to me in person.

Sometimes I wonder if I am even texting the same person as she actually is.

She is so different. Constantly full of surprises. Very difficult to remain stable and predictable enough to feel fully comfortable with.

And that is my predicament.

I... choose this. To remain loyal. To protect myself by believing in myself.

But it sure is hard to believe in myself as much as I used to.

Sad words. But true ones.

Sad but true.

And, that's okay. I can't be looking at the worst of what is before me.

I can only try to see the best. The exciting times ahead. The prosperous times.

No rose-coloured glasses needed.

Because they are how I normally see.

When I try to remain "normal" that is. In the face of such challenges.

To remain upright and with reserved dignity.

Despite all that worries me.

I shall persevere with my faith.

I will try.

And continue to pray.

Miracles can and have happened.

And so a miracle is within the realm of possibility.

Which is what I hope to be blessed with soon.

For I have been blessed before.

And I pray that I am not forgotten or thought of any less for how far I've come since.

I will not beg or barter.

But I will continue to hold honour in my heart for the powers that allowed for all this on the planet to come into being.

To bring life onto this world.

To engineer this incredible playground for us humans.

Although we are having a hard time of it all.

But we have survived and we will continue to survive.

No matter what.

The great flood couldn't stop us.

Neither did the black plague. Or Hitler. Or Ghensis Khan.

Or any despot, crime or calamity.

We survived through all those.

We deserve to be here.

And to achieve happiness.

Along with transcendence.

And a love for all that is divine.

Still Going

Rough times. Stocks took a tumble today and I'm down probably 50% overall on them.

Can't beat myself about all that, though. There's no point. I believe in the industry and I will continue to believe. Just need to be patient and to have faith.

And there are other things that I am worried that perhaps patience and faith can only go for so long with them before something needs to be done.

Work. The future. My relationships. Xmas gifts.

The story I am attempting to write.

Happiness. Purpose. Meaning. Destiny.

Don't like to think about destiny very much. I feel like I am tangled up in the threads of fate and have to breathe slowly and calmly as I search for a way out.

And... I pride myself on untangling the difficult situations. I remember feeling like I was pretty good at solving the problems of others, but couldn't quite get myself to be as objective about my own needs and troubles. Emotions... they muck things up. Logic can only go so far, it seems.

So... rough times... Not saying this because I want sympathy for myself, but I do want to acknowledge that things aren't easy at the moment. I don't want to pretend it away. I don't want to put my head in the sand.

Unlike some people that I know.

Well... it's difficult, but not impossible to handle.

I seem to always weather the tough storms. By some means of design that eludes my conscious awareness.

But I refuse to find solace in that. I need to take a stand. Make a move. Get moving.

How, though? I'm not sure.

Wish I had a blueprint or a map of where to go.

I suppose I know what my destination is. But I don't know how to get there.

That's the part I'm confused and concerned about

Well...

I'll keep trying.

Until... the outcome is inevitable.

Passing By

It's been three days since I last saw Rosie. My foster dog, who I don't think I've mentioned on this blog.

I adopted this beautiful creature on November 15th in a snowstorm at around 9pm. I fell in love with this little girl, and for the first time since I was a child, I had a dog.

The way she would jump around for her food each morning was something that always made me smile. That... joy... in this animal... It's so strange to see. An animal... That expresses love and affection and playfulness?

An animal.

I think about that and realize that we share this planet with many creatures and critters and pets. We are surrounded by beings of intelligence and affection who aren't human. Aliens, practically. An alien species.

And... it's such.. it was such an honour to take care of Rosie these past three weeks. And... it was so hard to let her go. To watch her leave my home for the last time in the care of strangers.

Thankfully, they seemed like good people. And that is all I could ask and hope for.

But it was difficult at times. I realized that as a single man, I do not have it in me to give a dog the attention it deserves without taking away from my own right to life. To... do the things that I want to do without having the responsibility of an animal on my mind at all times.

I realized that I need a family first before I can adopt a dog. It's too difficult. There are days when I want to be left alone to write or to... do things without interruption, and I... suppose I am... a solitary man. I need that... time alone. And should I have another people in the house who could look after a dog from time to time, to take it out on walks or to play, it would be much easier for me to bear.

Despite my joy in being with Rosie, I.. am somewhat glad that she is gone. I understand that my own life needs to be... accounted for. It needs to be... solidified. Set. Developed.

I...

Sighs.

Thinking about Fola now.. and it's ridiculous. So much pain between the two of us. I don't understand how it is that I keep on... accepting all this pain. It doesn't feel worth it. She... makes me feel less of who I am. I haven't written as much as I used to since I met her. I feel like.. my "gift" from God is... placed under a blurred thumb... Like... this hidden thing that I can't identify or know what to do with.

I told Fola I would try at writing a short story. It's a fairy tale, a fable, that I've called The Wizard in the Tower, and I've done a lot of research into the period where its set. Medieval Spain. And... I have such grand ambitions for it. It would tell the story of a young girl who meets an older man (the wizard) and then learns about love and magic. I understood that there are parallels here... between myself and the Wizard, and the village girl and Fola.

And.. I can't seem to be able to write this story. I don't know where it should go or what I should say. I understand the beginning... the end... but the in-between...

I don't know. I feel blocked. Haven't written fiction in so long that I think I've forgotten how.

And... this should be easy for me. Yet.. the muse refuses to visit me.

... I don't know what my gift is supposed to be or how I can... utilize it for the betterment of myself and others.

Maybe it's not writing. Maybe its something else.

Maybe it is writing. Maybe I need to push.

Maybe... So much uncertainty.

Don't have a job. Can't trust the woman who supposedly loves me. I can go on but I won't. I...

I feel like there is such darkness out there and I can... help shine a light into it. For others. For myself.

For Fola.

And... though I believe that love can transform and conquer all, it sometimes feels futile. I have.. given her everything of me. And... it seems like this constant erosion...

It seems like... she loves me more for my potential than for who I actually am.

And perhaps... who I actually am... is not worth fighting for.

Dark thoughts.. troubled ones... I admit... but ones that I refuse to turn my head away from and pretend away.

I accept them.

And I desire to make something of myself.

All those years.. .all those blog entries... and it lead to this. This... impotent and dormant fear and contempt and sadness and blame...

I've... thought about who I was growing up. Didn't think that I did anything worth the negativity that has seemed to attach itself to me. I wasn't... dark... I didn't... hate others...

I see pictures of myself as a child and I wonder how I went from there to here.

And... the struggles I've been through and still am.

I'm not sure what else to say with all this...

I need to get back into writing again. It... liberates me... when I put my thoughts into words. Although now, I am feeling this wall... before me... that makes me want to stop writing. Like, this... barrier... that I don't want to go through.

There is a fear that... a fear of something, anyways.

I don't know.

I am sad...

I am... lost...

I...

I am moving forward. No matter what. With each rising of the dawn I am given another opportunity to do so.

And writing this post is one way of doing that.

I cannot help but think that these are important words. Perhaps not for myself, but for others.

Who they might be, I do not know. But perhaps these words will shed some light. Or inspire... Or move...

Move...

One domino tipping over the next.

Perhaps that is all I am to be.

And last night... I affirmed in my prayers that I am willing to become an instrument of a higher power that is interested in making the world into a better place than it is.

A power that will look out for me...

And...

I hope these prayers get answered.

I've seen enough of the hidden hand of God to know it exists.

I just don't understand the mechanism of it all. I do not want to be the one who falls so that others can rise.

Even if it is part of the desired outcome.

I have suffered enough. Enough confusion. Enough lies. Enough darkness. Enough.

Enough.

And...

Well...

Guess there's...

Guess it's a waiting game.

So be it.

The end of innocence

I think of shame. Of guilt, of ignorant and quiet despair.

I think how I have attracted such things to myself, and that they have been the product of a shaky and uncertain faith.

I do believe in goodness. In love. In being happy and prosperous and complete.

Living a life of great joy and meaning.

Being with the woman that I love and deserve to have. Who loves me equally as much in return, if that is even possible.

I believe... There...is more to this life. These clothes. Material possessions and job titles and money and sex and power and corruption and evil.

Though I am... Hindered greatly by my physical defects and my lack of formal education, I... I still hold that flame alive inside of me.

I refuse to believe that this world is...

... The way it often appears to be.

And, that...

Evil is winning. Corruption is infectious, and immorality is a necessity to embrace in order to survive in this world.

On this earth.

I think of these dark things. I hate to entertain these thoughts for long, but I am sometimes indulgent enough to taste the fear that bubbles up inside.

And it's terrible. It's... Concerning.

I.. Do not believe I have earned a life of regret
Of.. Not finding my true purpose, or of making the most of who I truly am and wish to give to the world.

I do not believe these circumstances are to be deserved. Though I accept responsibility, I must also remind myself of the times when I placed blind faith ahead of reason and caution.

I believe myself to be good. To believe others as such, and to have faith in our potential as a human species and where our civilization is going.

And... Its hard, sometimes. It's so painfully hard.

To really find reason to be optimistic about the future.

I.. Don't like writing these words. I feel like I am making them become real, with each letter that I choose. I..

... Have to accept that this is how it is.

I have to.. Accept, and then find faith again.

Though I am down a lot of money now. A line of credit on the stock market that is already worth half of what it was a few months ago.

I'm...

Failing.

I believed in those stocks. I thought I did very well in researching them. I felt they were purchased at a fair price and are due to only go higher with time, as revenue is reported and the numbers impress.

Which, after seeing Colorado in the years since legalization, it made perfect sense to imagine increasing profits each quarter. Particularly since demand has been underestimated, and marihuana is much more profitable and used than we previously believed.

I.. Know I didn't do anything wrong. I didn't make a mistake or overlooked anything obvious enough to make a consciously risky decision to do what I did.

I believe I do not deserve what has happened since I was given this new line of credit months ago. I believed then as now, that it was a sign. A communication, somehow, of a God or being that is aware of and loves me.

Loves me enough to want to help me when I need help the most.

That's what I believe in. That such a thing does exist. And it is outerworldly. Omniscient. Prescient and all-encompassing.

It is powerful. It goes by many names, across many cultures and civilizations.

It is the one idea that we are obliged to believe in. The only one worth believing in.

The only thing that truly matters.

Love. To believe the existence of love is an act of faith.

And there is ample evidence out there to know that it exists, and it is not merely the product of a hopeful or chemically-addled imagination.

It is not a wish or a dream, fiction or fantasy.

It is real. I have... Seen much in my life to know how real it can be.

And yet, I sometimes see very little.

It...

Comes and goes, in the strangest of ways.

This.. Faith of mine having been challenged with more than most can bear.

And, I cannot give into fear.

I will try not to.

I desire to embrace the beauty that this world has to offer, and the many blessings it can produce.

My life has been... In the direction of love.

All along.

And... I..

Fear where it takes me, sometimes.

I've been through so much. So much turmoil and hope and disappointment and shame, guilt, fear, remorse, sadness, pain.

Heart break.

So much heart break.

Could never truly find the mirror of me.

The woman that is exactly as I am.

A woman of sensitivity. Passion. Kindness and joy. A woman that loves to laugh at my jokes, and inspires me to make them.

A woman who is at my side, always, when I need her most.

A woman that makes me smile, like a little boy being given whatever gift he asked for at Christmas. That expensive thing, and the delight and incredulity that it elicits.

That... Does not quite feel like what I have right now. Being with Fola has made me into less of who I am, I feel. I..

I.. Deserve so much more.

And I am presently receiving what I have asked for.

In the scariest of ways.

My faith being the only light that guides me.

No matter where I may go.

And what might happen.

It is scary. Yes.

But it...

Can sometimes be beautiful, as well.

As I am occasionally reminded.

Not enough to fully believe, but enough to accept the odds.

Enough to believe that there is a chance.

A chance worth gambling on.

Hypocrisy Part 2

... Kind of feeling ashamed of myself, blog.

I read over the last entry I wrote and shook my head. So dramatic. So much hurt and pain.

And yet... I took her back.

She has stayed with me here for just over a week. Took time off work and decided to spend that vacation time at my house. Why did she decide to do this? I don't know.

But it was a step.

Got to see what it would be like if we lived together.

So much has happened since my last post. I don't know if I can cover it all or even if I want to.

She's back in  my life. She... came to my door one day with the excuse of her being "in the area" and that she didn't intend to see me.

I still don't get that part... I mean, she should have made an effort to try and get me back. There was hardly anything. Showing up at my door was effort, sure, but...

In the days that followed, she seemed to have really changed.

And in many ways, she hasn't changed at all.

There's something very strange about our relationship. I.., can't quite put my finger on it. I think we're both at the point where we accept that we'll be together for the rest of our lives and these break-ups and time spent apart are nothing more than speed bumps that cause us to slow down before picking up speed again.

And...

Yeah. She's back.

First couple days of her spending a week with me was interesting. She dressed up as a schoolgirl for me. Really helped with cooking and cleaning. Was more attentive and made an effort to be more affectionate.

And still.. I'm not satisfied.

I'm still guarded and defensive and...

I am realizing now that she is not at my "level" and that I am going to be turning 9 years her senior in a couple of weeks.

She's a child. A 32 year old child.

That believes in magic. Wants to believe in all that it can offer and do.

Knows that I'm somehow the key to all of what she wants from life.

And yet, wouldn't dare to acknowledge this fact. Or to honor it.

We each wrote each other an email describing what we wanted from our "ideal" partner. The stuff we both wrote was reasonable for the other to achieve.

I wanted someone who had integrity, among other things.

And yesterday, I was reminded that this is going to be an uphill battle for her to be able to meet all that I desire from an ideal partner.

Case in point, I made us dinner yesterday and she was appreciative and frequently thanked me for it. Saying before we ate that she would be thanking me later upstairs in the bedroom. Nice, right?

Upstairs in the bedroom, nothing happens. She didn't move in for a kiss. Didn't get to touching me much or made any attempt at being sexual.

Didn't live up to the words she'd spoken earlier. Hollow promises.

And she wonders why I get upset by her. That hypocrisy. That... habit of hers to go for quick and easy good feelings by telling people what they want to hear, and then not following through in fulfilling any of the things she says.

I've never liked people who did that.

And, I suppose, I am making myself out to be a hypocrite as well by taking her back.

Where is the faith in God that I have where I should stand strong and be firm about what it is that I want from a relationship? To KNOW that I will not settle for disappointment and pain and rejection and these negative things because there are better options elsewhere. To know that my dignity and my desires all rest upon how much I truly believe in them. In my being deserving of such things.

And to have faith enough to... Not compromise... Not fall into despair...

And to trust... Trust that higher power... that God up there loves me and is watching out for me and has a plan and path for me...

And... Sighs.

Stock markets are ugly right now. Where I once was excited at the line of credit I had been surprised with getting from my bank, I am... not doing well with my stocks.

It's bad.

I thought... I thought... I was being watched over, when that happened. I thought... there was going to be something good to come out of how things were happening to me around that time. These small coincidences and occurrences that made me believe something special was happening behind the scenes.

And, it's hard to be happy when you're down more than 20% on almost all of your investments. Investments that I deeply believe in.

And should continue to believe in, as I do with God.

For better or worse. No matter what happens.

And... Perhaps, stupidly, I continue to hold onto my stocks... Watching them fall each day. Believing that they will go back up, but uncertain as to when.

And...

I think about that one psychic reading I paid for, where the lady drew a portrait of my spirit guide.

And told me that there was a woman in my life who was actively trying to spiritually undermine me.

She was describing Fola, I felt....

This is why I don't feel... optimistic... whenever she tells me certain things.. Like, when she paints a future of us by promising moving in together, getting married, having kids, moving into an acreage, going on trips...

...Or having sex. Because... I see how little Fola values the worth of her words.

I see how unimportant it is for her to earn trustworthiness.

At the same time, I'm confused because she has done some nice things for me over the past while.

Had coffee ready for me in the morning. Made me toast.

... There is something... "off" about her.

I wonder if I am dating a version of myself, at times.

Had I been born a woman, and was around the age of 32, and was given... all the entitlements that she has had in life, I could see myself being a lot like her.

All smoke and no fire.

That kind of arrogant and naive outlook on life.

The sarcastic humor.

The insensitivity.

The grandiose fantasies.

The carelessness.

The childishness.

And...

She just walked in on me as I was typing all this in my office. Peeked inside and smiled and said good morning. Then ran in and kissed me on the forehead as I felt a flash of fear at her seeing these hurtful words I am writing about her.

These doubts I am expressing.

Sighs.

God...

I don't want you to abandon me.

I try... and I...

Don't know what to do.

What to feel.

Other than to do what I am doing and to feel only what I feel.

If that makes any sense.

I...

Suffer silently.

And...

I'm such a child myself, at times.

But. I think I am doing better.

I know I am doing better.

I am growing. Evolving. Maturing.

I am learning.

And.

I choose to have faith. To believe.

No matter what befalls me.

Even if it may cripple me.

Even if it may kill me.

I've seen so much.

I've been through so much.

Enough to know.

That forces out there exist. And they are intelligent and aware and...

Have certain powers and influences over us.

Over outcomes.

And events.

...

I just have to be patient, I guess.

And...

Believe with all of my heart.

That a good life is possible, for me.

And that I have a chance at creating one.

...

I also choose to believe...

That I am with the woman of my dreams.

But, must be patient with her as we each grow and mature.

Just as I must learn to be patient with myself, as I do the same.

Thank you blog... for showing me the error of my ways. To be the mirror that I need.

Thank you.

Signing off... And not sure what to expect with my day.

But...

I do expect...

I expect to be loving and loved.

It's all I can do.