Post mortem

What a life.

Fola is gone, and I've never felt anything with anyone like I did with her.

For all her flaws, I enjoyed my time with her. She was attracted to me, the sex was incredible, the connection profound, the chemistry almost perfect.

I'm back to the way I was. Single and searching for the right one.

It's so tough. The strength I need to summon within myself is immense if I want to become how I was before I met Fola. I was at peace, I did not have any expectations in mind. I felt tuned into the heart of who I am. I felt as if I was one with God, and after recovering from Gina, I was in this place of surrender.

What worked for me, is knowing that I can't force an outcome. That I have to let things happen as they should. The moment I start thinking that I can change someone is the moment I start to fail.

Because people need to change at their own pace. Not mine. People need to come to their own realizations, and not accept any of mine. People have different expectations than I do, and there's not much I can do to change that.

I realize now, that my challenge has always been about placing myself first and accepting whatever comes my way. If it gets too much to bear, I can state my concerns and leave it at that. I should not get upset unless I absolutely have to. I should always keep faith in the goodness of others, and not judge them unfairly for falling short.

With Fola, she had different expectations than I did. She was married, so she didn't want it. She has a child, so she didn't want another one either. What she did want was unconditional love. She wanted magic. Romance. Excitement and illumination with a like minded soul.

And I gave her all of those things.

I only wanted what we had, but permanently. I wanted to be assured of a future with her. She could not give me that assurance. My faith was running out as time went on. I couldn't keep it alive as she was still married and unavailable and unwilling to please me as much as I was pleasing her.

I have to be honest and truthful when I admit that I loved her. Madly. I wanted us to work out. I wanted to be happy with her, and I was, until my expectations began asserting themselves.

I'm in a place where I'm trying to figure out if I was being unfair about pushing for what I wanted. Had I truly surrendered myself, things would be different. Fola and I would probably still be together, and perhaps if I kept my expectations in check, a future with her would have eventually manifested itself.

Again, truthfully, I did not feel loved by that woman. It's so strange that I would love her, but I do. There's something deep inside that wants her to be a part of my life for the rest of my days.

But she didn't share my feelings. I have to admit that. I was dating a married woman who prioritized other things. Her own pleasure, mainly. I met her at a time when she was giving blow jobs to a guy she hardly knew, and was getting dildos shoved in her by a swinging polyamorous couple who ended up giving her an std.

And I accepted all that. Until I didn't.

It's important that I stand firm on what my values are, and what I expect from my partner. But how firmly should I stand? How can I surrender and calmly accept my circumstances and not desire to improve them?

It's not possible, that's for sure. Growth comes from change. People have to change, and perhaps the mistake I made was being impatient. And losing sight of who I really am.

I'm a conservative. A traditionalist. I believe in monogamy. I believe in having a meaningful relationship and developing it as time goes on. Making it even better. I believe in commitment, loyalty and trust. These things have to be demonstrated. They cannot be assumed, which is something of what I was doing with Fola. I assumed she wanted what I want. I was wrong about that.

Faith is such a hard thing to maintain. I believe we came together for a reason. I believe it was meant to be. I believe we both benefited somehow, although I don't really know yet what lesson I am supposed to be learning.

Maybe I shouldn't prioritize relationships so much. Maybe I need to hold onto myself more. Maybe I need to... Never lose faith and when someone compromises that, maybe I need to accept that they aren't perfect. Like myself.

I have to remind myself that Fola wasn't perfect. She didn't uplift me. She started a lot of fights. She kept ignoring my needs and wants and desires.

So it makes sense to walk away from that. I can't give my heart to someone who isn't giving me hers. I can't hope for a future with someone who doesn't share the same vision as I do. Or the same feelings.

Serenity is what I have to strive towards. And I have to do this knowing that there is a God or a higher intelligence that is willing to help me out. To guide me to where I want to be. To draw towards me the people and opportunities I need to meet.

But it's tough. It's tough, and it's not impossible, either. I've done it before and I can do it again. There has been a progression in my life. There are steps that lead somewhere. Magic can happen, and it has happened, and I have experienced something pretty amazing with Fola.

She made me believe in magic.

And for that, I should be grateful. There is magic out there. Miracles can happen. When I calm my ego down and approach life with an open and receptive heart, magic often follows.

Faith, David. That's what matters right now.

Faith that it will all work out.

As it is working out right now.

Off I go. Work awaits.

The Cycle Keeps Cycling

I am really struggling. It has been a few days since I last texted Fola, and she is all I seem to be thinking about.

My battle is about figuring things out. On one hand, I was not happy with how I lashed out at her, on the other hand, I feel like I had to let her go. To cut her loose.

I can't keep believing in lies. From early on in our relationship, I was led to believe that there was a chance she loved me, and that she wanted to build a future together.

Over time, she has proven that this is not the case.

There is yet another aspect to my torment that I am still trying to wrap my mind around. I still believe in her. I still have faith in her ability to love me, and to love, but... I don't have faith she will be able to do that anytime soon. I believe developing her capacity to love and understand, is something that will take time.

I really don't like how.. empty I'm feeling right now. I want to be happy. I want to have faith and be optimistic and go on feeling like life is worth living. That faith matters, and that I deserve to have a woman in my life who I can cherish and be cherished by.

It was really one-sided with us. She knows I love her. And she knows she hurts me. I can't forget moments where she would smirk and say, "I know" when I told her these words. I can't forget how it hurt to not hear her say those words back.

Or to take them seriously when she did.

I've been spending the past few days wondering if I've done the right thing. I couldn't contain my anger and frustration at her. She was arguing with me the week before about how she couldn't see us going back to the way things were. And then a few days ago, she texts saying that she does believe we can go back to the way things were.

And I snapped at that. It felt hypocritical to me. It felt like a lie. She was arguing with me before, and now she was agreeing with me. It didn't make any sense for her to change her opinion so quickly. It didn't make any sense for her to argue with me against what she ended up agreeing with.

I really can't stand a hypocrite. "I am willing to make this work" and then wanting a break up the next day.

So many instances of this. Fola has no... principles to stand on. No solid platform or foundation. She is just making things up as she goes, and I can't make myself comfortable around someone who is so uncertain about who she is and what she wants.

I tried at first. Knowing that she was married, and figuring that it shouldn't get in the way of my ability to love someone. And for a while, it didn't. Until I began realizing that she wasn't doing the same for me as I was for her. She wasn't trying to give me what I needed.

And..

I wish she did.

I wish she would've been the first to kiss or hug me when we saw each other. I want her to reach for my hand, I want her to look at me with a shine in her eyes and say "I love you" instead of my having to do it first.

I wish she would.. do so many things, and I... couldn't keep.. giving so much of myself to someone who gave back so little.

No matter how much I loved her, it wasn't enough.

It didn't seem to matter.

She took me for granted, anyways.

I don't have much else to say about this. I ended this poorly, and she...

(sighs)

She still doesn't seem to know what she's done wrong.

Or she does, but she doesn't care to change her ways.

Another thing I got upset about, was when I told her that I thought that love is something that needed to be worked on. To be expressed and given, even if one of us wasn't in the mood. She disagreed. She said that "love should just be" and no "work" was required.

I.. got mad at that. I don't believe in such effortlessness at all. I believe it when two people truly love each other, but when one person is in love and the other isn't; then it means there is work involved. It means she has to try and come up to my level. To at least show gratitude and willingness enough to meet me halfway. To maybe.. meet me all the way, eventually.

But I can't force anyone to change, and this is what I am struggling with most. I can't *force* change. I can't make her be something or someone she doesn't want to be. To think in a certain way that she doesn't want to be thinking. I can't make Fola believe in a future with us together, even though I have tried my best to paint a nice picture of it.

In the end, I am left feeling.. shame. Anger. Sadness.

I don't know what else I can do, other than to state with confidence, that my feelings for her did not deserve to be disrespected and taken for granted.

I deserve better.

Fola knows that. She said so herself.

(sighs)

Sorry blog.. all I do is complain on here.

I want to stop complaining.

I want to start loving.

I want to find someone worthy of what I have to offer them.

Because I have something precious within me.

And I shouldn't be giving it so freely.

Or maybe I should.

I don't know.

(sighs)

I need to figure this out.

All I know is that I came to her with my best. I gave her everything I had.

I loved her.

I still love her.

And she does not love me.

I had to walk away from that.

I refuse to believe in something that wasn't true.

No matter how badly I wanted to.

And I wanted to believe in it pretty bad.

That about sums it up.

The Road Less Traveled

So much for option #3. Told Fola to fuck off. I believe we're done. And I believe I still love her.

Fucking hell.

Started talking to a new girl on OkCupid. She doesn't have kids. She has red hair. She seems nice.

We'll see.

The Straitjacket Tightens

Today Fola texted me, saying for me to stop thinking about her. I wrote back saying, "you first" and she responded with "cycles" which I promptly ignored, being that it was a nothing answer.

This girl, I tell you. God. She is such a tester. Such a puzzle. As our conversation progressed, it...

Saddened me. It was like watching a trainwreck unfold. Well.. maybe "saddened" isn't the right word, but it certainly was disappointing to see my soulmate act the way she does.

Yeah, I still accept her as my soulmate or Twin Flame, but get this.. she is an imbecile.

Yes. And I don't throw that word around lightly. I don't like being derogatory towards other people and slapping such a label onto them. But.. She's earned it.

Take a look at what she texted with, and I will break them down. I invited her to my place this Saturday because she was talking about wanting to see me.

[2017-06-18 6:41 PM] Fola: I am driving near a nice estate/acreage. There's a lake and pretty, secluded homes. Can't help but think about our place we were talking about. I can picture the house and the garden and the study/library where you'd be writing. Can go walk by the water ...sigh

Okay. So Fola is telling me about how she is still visualizing us in the house/garden/acreage/library that we were both interested in achieving. Sounds good, right? It implies that she is still thinking of us long-term and wants us to build a future together.


[2017-06-18 6:42 PM] Fola: Hmm.. this weekend. Maybe. You're off Saturday and Sunday nights then ? I work Sunday. 

[2017-06-18 6:42 PM] Fola: I do want to see you 

[2017-06-18 6:48 PM] Fola: Literally a few minutes before you invited me I asked my angel cards about what I'm to do with you and mine's relationship. The card I got was angel of learning. So I asked them to help me see what the lesson is I'm supposed to learn from our relationship and how I can break any patterns. Then you ask me. So now I feel more confused lol. I take it we are to just meet again. I just can't stop thinking about you and us. But I also feel this need to protect myself 
It's so annoying. 

She is still thinking about me! *fist pump* I'm glad. I've been thinking alot about her too. Not always in the best light, but thinking, nonetheless.

[2017-06-18 6:51 PM] Me: I'll respond more later. Work awaits. But yeah, there's learning to be done. Don't afraid to be vulnerable and trust me as I'm willing to do the same. That's important. Being restrained or unwilling is not going to help either one of us. 

What do you think you need to be protected from? 

[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: Being hurt again 

[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: It hurts when you say things to me

[2017-06-18 6:59 PM] Fola: Ok have fun love

Fola is referring to "things" meaning the stuff that I called her out on. Such as telling me that she is willing to work things out, but decides to break up the next day. 

[2017-06-18 10:06 PM] Me: Well, you've been hurting me, Fola. I still don't know what you want from me or if you think a relationship is important. And you've know all along what I want. There's no confusion on my end about all this. 

[2017-06-18 10:07 PM] Fola: I won't be in a relationship where all the blame is on me

[2017-06-18 10:08 PM] Fola: That's what it boils down to

[2017-06-18 10:08 PM] Fola: I want you to stop putting blame on me

Notice this part here. She started off the "argument" by saying that I "hurt" her. Then I asked her what she wants from me or if she thinks a relationship is important. Those are both ignored, and both are important questions that I've yet to hear the answer of.

Now, also notice that she is saying she doesn't want to be with me if I'm putting "all" the blame on her for how acrimonious it has gotten. Well, guess what Fola. You DO take a LARGE part of the blame, and you should admit and take responsibility for it. I was not the one who got irrationally angry three times in one week. I didn't make you feel like shit. I've always tried to keep you happy, and you hardly tried at all. I wanted to work things out, you agreed, and then the next day you wanted a break up. That is not trustworthy behavior. How can I ever take your word seriously? 

[2017-06-18 10:31 PM] Me: And I'd like for you to have a clear picture of what you want from this. 

You already know what I can offer and what my intentions are; but I don't know either of those things about you. You have to tell me what you want from me and where you would like this to go. 

Until then, we're operating on completely different wavelengths. If you want casual, then say so. If you want this to be serious, say so. If you are able to offer me a committed monogamous relationship, then say so. 

And don't assume you are without blame, because you're not. I'm willing to clear the slate and start fresh. But only if I know what it is that you want and what your intentions are. 

So, please give me a good answer to these questions. If you are unsure, then I can't keep hoping and dreaming for you to figure it out. I need stability. I need commitment.  I need to know that my partner is working with me and not against me. 

If there's anything you think I should be doing differently, then let me know. Thanks. 


[2017-06-18 10:31 PM] Me: And have a good sleep. Talk to you later 

I was being cordial here. She doesn't know what she wants from me, but I'm going to remind her again that I need to know where she sees us going. Long term? Casual? Since she's still visualizing us in a house together and has said she would rather be married to me than her husband Larry; and how she could "see" a future with us together and us waking up in bed each morning.. I mean, come on. That sounds like long-term stuff. But, check out what she follows this text up with...

[2017-06-18 10:37 PM] Fola: You say you're willing to start with a clean slate but keep bringing up past things.

Good grief. I didn't even bring up anything from the past in these last messages, but here she goes. Already laying down blame and accusations. Totally disregarding my offer about starting over, and instead focusing on something negative and unwarranted.

And right now I am not looking for my next long term relationship clearly. I just want to sort out my life and then see when I'm ready to begin again. That's my answer to that. I can't promise much more than that right now David. 

CLEARLY she is not looking for her next long term relationship? Clearly? I thought she was visualizing us in a house together? Now it's CLEARLY she's not looking? And she can't promise me commitment. That's what she "promises" right now. The promise of uncertainty.

I wouldn't describe what I want as casual either. 

Even more uncertainty. Look at how confused she is. She doesn't want a serious long term committed relationship, but she doesn't want anything casual either. Thanks for the clarification, Fola. Really puts me at ease knowing that I understand where you're coming from.

What I want is someone who respects me, doesn't talk down to me, and doesn't bring up past situations on the constant in hopes of putting me in my place. I just want openness and forgiveness, understanding and unconditional love. 

Here we go again with the past situations. Hello, it's called LEARNING FROM YOUR MISTAKES. You haven't proven you've learned anything, Fola. You haven't been apologetic for anything of what you've done. You've taken almost no steps to correct any of my concerns. And you change viewpoints more than I change underwear. How can I possibly respect someone who wants me to give her the world and give nothing in return? She wants openness, but not too much openness when I start discussing how hurt my feelings were when she wanted to sit by other guys and not me. She doesn't want openness. She just wants agreeableness, and she doesn't want to be open with me at all. She is unwilling to tell me where she stands because she has nothing to stand on.

Forgiveness? Why does she want that? Should I forgive her? And unconditional love? Are you freaking kidding me? You have me baited on your hook with making me dream of a future together, and for that I would do anything to achieve. And yet, you are unwilling to give me this "unconditional love" in return. You do not know what love is, Fola. You have yet to learn of it.

Those are the things I'm working towards for myself. I hope to maintain relationships where those are key components. 

Look at this part. "maintain relationships" ... What does that mean? Relationships that aren't with me, obviously. Other relationships. Future relationships. 


[2017-06-18 10:59 PM] Fola: I do believe we can go back to how things were in jan-feb with us. I am really working on being more open and loving and allowing you to be who you are. But I also need to be the one to come to conclusions if I feel that my attempts are futile. 

Going back to the way things were, was something that I said I believed was possible in one of our talks (arguments) in person. She first told me that "I don't think we can ever get back to the way we were" and I argued with her saying that I believed we could, but we both have to try for it. It is not going to magically happen without work. Without her earning my trust.

And oh my God... "I am really working on being more open and loving and allowing me to be who I am" but she doesn't! She hasn't been "really working" at all! Loving? How was she working at being more loving towards me? How was she working at being more open? The common theme I keep seeing is a lot of words and no action. All talk.

I don't quite understand that last line. "I need to be the one to come to conclusions if I feel that my attempts are futile." what conclusions? You want to be the one to "end" the relationship if your "attempts" are futile? What attempts? What exactly have you attempted? You broke up with me the day after saying you wanted to work things out. You have not made an attempt that is meaningful and with actual effort behind it. Such ridiculousness.

So far it seems Everytime we are doing something positive, then something negative / hurtful comes up. It's so ridiculous.

Yes, this is true. Our relationship was incredible when it first started... Until she got irrationally angry with me for reasons she can't explain, three times in one week. That is when I had enough and left for a few weeks. That was a good time for me. I was happy without her.

So.. I have seen time and time again that this woman ruins our momentum by doing stupid stuff that a typical "loving" person just doesn't do. And she doesn't realize she is doing it, either. That is what makes this worse. How can she learn anything if she isn't paying attention? And if I bring her behavior up, she claims that I am "hurting" her. Or that I am putting unfair blame onto her. Or whatever excuses she comes up with to deflect personal responsibility.

[2017-06-18 11:19 PM] Fola: Anyways I hope you have a good shift and rest 
I'm just crawling into bed now.

Thanks Fola, I did have a decent shift. Appreciate you saying that.

Man... I tell you. This woman is a piece of work. I had this long text written up to send her, and I realized that a well-formulated rational argument is not going to amount to anything but more negativity and "you've hurt me" comments. It won't be replied with anything substantial, and will probably get dismissed because Fola doesn't have it in her to provide a thoughtful response in return.

So here we have it. I am a "placeholder" kind of "boyfriend" with a married polyamorous woman who still hasn't reassured me if she is willing to be monogamous while we are together. She just wants to use me. Despite all that we've shared and despite the amazing connection we have; I'm still not good enough or desirable enough for her to really consider committing herself towards. And that sucks. And I am... like.. I don't have any feelings left for her. I see this.. broken person before me. This.. being, that is incapable of loving someone.

Earlier in the day I was watching a Ralph Smart video where he talked about how to recognize someone's true colors. One of the examples he brought up, was how they treat animals. In Fola's case, she doesn't like the German Shepard her husband bought. She... manipulates and toys with Zoey for her amusement. I've seen the glint in her eye as she dangles a treat and tells Zoey not to have it. That is an ugly glint. Taking pleasure from depriving an animal of pleasure. Enjoying the exercise of power and control.

That makes sense to me.

Now.. I haven't replied to her texts yet, but I can see a couple of things going on now. 

Fola enjoys having me under her thumb, and she respects me less for it. To her, I am nothing more than a dog that is supposed to serve her whims and not bite back when she mistreats me.

I get it now.

A real life succubus. A person without a soul.

I really don't know how someone like her is a nurse. Or why she wants to "help" people when she can't seem to help herself. She seems more interested in having control over people, than to actually try and heal them. She enjoys another person's vulnerabilities and is excited for penetrating through them, so she can see inside without offering anything equally as valuable in exchange.

She takes, and rarely gives.

Hmm.

So this leaves me with a few options. I can tell her to fuck off, like I rightfully should. Or I can continue to try to make a go of this.

Option #1 had felt like the right one for me, months ago, when I took a few weeks apart from her. I felt restored. Happy. Bright. Optimistic. I didn't need her in my life. She wasn't bringing me anything of value to it, despite all that I've been giving her.

Option #2, is to try and hand-wave this all away and continue going on with this sorry excuse for a relationship where I am used and disrespected.

Hmm.

Obviously on paper, option #1 is the way to go. 

But, something is tugging at my heart and I realize that... 

There is something I need to be doing before I can end this.

I don't know about the idea of "soul contracts" but I am feeling like there is an obligation on my part that needs to be fulfilled. Although I have no idea what it is.

Fola claims that her "angel cards" said this was to be a learning relationship. But I can't teach her anything if she doesn't want to listen. I can't reason with her. I can't bargain with her.

So, how will she learn a damned thing? She won't. At least not by my words she won't.

In thinking about all this, I realize I can either stand my ground or move on. 

In a way, I feel like a car driving down a road and coming up towards obstacles in front of me that I can't avoid. I can only take my foot off the gas, but I still will reach a dead end. Slow, or fast, no matter what.

Fola is that dead end which is keeping me from going forward. She is not willing to give me what I need. She is not kind, compassionate, loving or intelligent. She is not spiritual, although she probably thinks her "psychic" powers and "angels" are indications of being spiritual. They are not, and she is not. She doesn't even pray, and expressed surprised when I told her that I did.

Although I am seeing what looks like an obstacle in front of my path, I realize that I don't have to head towards it. I can do something unexpected.

I can put the car into reverse. 

And go back the way I came.

Option #3 is different than options #1 and #2 where I either stand by my truth and let her know that I deserve better; or I can let her go and move on. Option #3 is giving her exactly what she wants. Unconditional love.

But, boy oh boy, this has never been done by me before.

And strangely, this option feels like the most tempting one. The most.. interesting one for me to be taking.

I did say that I love her. I still mean it, even if she doesn't.

Hmm.

Option #3 is so... interesting to consider. To forget everything truly, and give her a fresh clean slate.

To have her fall back in love with me.

Fola is not a rational person. She operates off of how she "feels" even if how she "feels" is the wrong way to behave or think. 

So.. if she operates by feels, then that means I will have to...

Hmm.. Well, I am not going to spoil her like I did before. She doesn't deserve any of that. She hasn't appreciated any of that to do the same for me. I haven't gotten a massage from her. She doesn't light me any candles. She doesn't try to make me feel special, wanted, appreciated or loved. 

Or important.

Or assured.

She is like I once said. Fucking crazy.

And I think having her around would be more interesting than if I didn't.

I want to see where this trainwreck goes. I want to see what option #3 does. Maybe she will have less respect for me, but that depends on how I do it.

You see, unconditional love and respect has to be earned. It has to be reciprocated. So.. she is wanting everything from me, but is not going to give me anything as valuable in return.

So what is in this for me? Occassional sex once in a while?

Hmm.

She is not intellectually stimulating. She is not humble. She is not sweet. She... would rather have a Land Rover than a loving relationship.

So... She's a typical millennial that wants everything for nothing. 

No wonder she loves listening to Esther Hicks so much. 

Hmm.

I don't know yet what I should do.

I did invite her over for Saturday though, but she gave me a "maybe" instead of a yes.

I hate the "maybes" .. if she really desired to see me, she would say yes.

But that's asking for too much of her.

I don't have any.. well, I don't have much faith left in her.

To me, I see "evil" as being a form of willful ignorance. To live life by denying truth.

The truth being that we all are deserving of love. Not just her.

And that love demands expression. Not merely words.

And that love means going out of your way to prove its importance to you. Not just hang around and take as much as you can before getting kicked out the door.

So... 

Heh.

Option #3, should I decide to go with it, means one thing.

A battle between good and evil.

A battle against willful ignorance, where logic and reason are useless weapons to wield.

And the most powerful weapon, is love.

Option #3 is the most difficult of the three I have come up with. Fight, flight or love.

It is also the most noblest of the three options. I have already stood my ground many times and have failed. I have left before, and that seems to have failed also, no matter how much she claims to have missed me, she still fell back to her old unappreciative/take-me-for-granted ways.

And at least with option #3, I can still occasionally get to see her. Why? I suppose its because I enjoy her company when things are going well. I enjoy the sex when we are emotionally bonded. Apart from that, there's not much else. She simply is incapable of loving anyone in a sincere and meaningful way.

So... 

Hmm.

Boy am I tired. Long shift today. Need my rest, and these texts are going unanswered at the moment.

She claims she believes that we can go back to the way we were. But I've yet to see if she truly believes that and is willing to make it happen.

All words, remember. No action.

Telling her this is useless.

And I am being disrespected and used.

I really should end things with her.

But she is my soulmate. The mirror side of myself that I find ugly and repulsive but attractive just the same.

That other side of myself is still me. No matter how broken and empty it is.

Hmm.

Option #3...

I'm going to have to sleep on this.

I hope to be given an answer on what I must do next.

In the meantime, I'm going back to dating online again.

And I hope the love of my life arrives soon.

While I prepare myself for battle.

To fight for what I believe in.

Truth, beauty and justice.

The trinity of love.

Without a Map

Yesterday Fola called me up at work and...

Well.. It was really nice to talk to her again. She thought so too, and I'm left with wondering where am I supposed to be going from here.

I have thought about her quite a bit lately. I know she is.. not the type that will welcome me from a hard day's work with a smile, a hug or in lingerie. I.. want to believe that this is possible, but I can't see Fola as being the type that would make these kind of efforts on my behalf.

And as I kept thinking further, I'm realizing that.. She doesn't take our connection very seriously. Two days ago I felt the compulsion to masturbate for whatever reason at around 11:30am, once I woke up. Later in the day, I had gotten a text from Fola asking if I could "feel her" and I said that I don't know, but I was.. feeling my own feelings. As in, I was trying to remain as true to my emotions as possible and surrender myself to the present moment.

She then said that she had this "energy" going through her, and that she couldn't stop thinking about me. I asked her what time that happened, and she said it was around 11:30. Yes. When I was masturbating, so was she and we both had intense orgasms.

I remember thinking her name at the peak of my orgasm, and.. I don't know man. I still believe she is.. my soulmate, my twin flame or my other half; but she just calls it an "energetic connection" and doesn't ascribe as much importance to it as I do.

I am in awe of some of the things we've shared. These milestones and new heights and I want to develop things further. I want us both to try and make it work between us. To grow. Develop ourselves. Become better people.

But, man.. I can't be expected to carry all this on my own. I can't be the only one that is excited about exploring things further.

I.. Lately I have been thinking about how everything seems to be happening for exactly the right reasons at the right time. Obviously, I can't provide proof of that. But the feeling within me is so strongly hinting that incredible things are around the corner. Even on days when I feel uncertain about who I am and where I am going; this feeling seems to reassure me. I don't know how imaginary it is, but when I look back on my life, I see.. moments that lead to other moments. I see myself as being prepared for something. I dated two black girls before I met Fola, and by the time I met her, her ethnicity didn't influence me as much. There was no "exotic" appeal once I had already been with these other two girls; and I think that is what those other women prepared me for.

For Fola.

It looks like I'm working the weekend. Night shift, so I can't do anything at night with anyone. All I have is a few hours in the afternoon to do stuff. I can't..

I can't find time to be with anyone. And.. I feel a bit ashamed of myself for suggesting that Fola move in with me. She's looking for a new place, and I wouldn't be charging her much, but she said that I lived too far.

I keep feeling like maybe I shouldn't be over-eager about all this. Because she isn't. I know that the only way I should feel, is to be authentic and to honor that authenticity. I can't pretend like I don't want a girlfriend to love and be loved by; but I also can't pretend that Fola is the right person for me, even if she is. Because she doesn't seem to think that our relationship is worth developing.

She has not.. taken us seriously. And it seems that only in my absence does she start missing me.

So.. I don't know man.

Such a tightrope I am walking here. I have been thanking God and a variety of other deities such as Krishna, Vishnu, Kali, Ganesha, my higher self, Archangel Michael and even my deceased father. I have been including them all in my prayers each day, asking for guidance and inspiration and strength and wisdom.

I think that maybe I am being guided. I sure feel like it sometimes, but I won't really know until I arrive to where I am expected to be.

A song that I am really enjoying right now is "Without a Map" by Marketa Irglova. Such a beautiful song. The music is perfect. The lyrics hit me in the heart and echo my feelings, and Marketa has a fantastic voice. It really delivers and soothes me.

I feel as if I am here without a map and.. the truth is, I am not.

The only map I need is love.

And that is the map I will try my best to follow. Through thick and thin.

Through good and bad.

Loving myself.

And loving others.

Not an easy task by any means, but I have been trying. I know I am a good man with a lot to offer the right lady.

Whenever she arrives, and whoever she might be.

Everything is going as they should be.

And I have to stay true and honor the principles within my heart. To keep focused on the things that I want and deserve from this life.

It's all I can do.

Fola is welcome to share her life with me, if she is willing to give me her heart as much as I have given it to her.

But, I can't force her to do so.

All I can do is be me.

And have faith that the right things will happen at the right time.

Because this does feel like.. my destiny being realized. Over the many years I have been on this planet, I feel that things are in motion. That I am walking a meaningful path and I am experiencing a meaningful existence.

I do believe in life after death. I do believe we are here to learn something.

And I am doing my best to learn it.

Whatever it may be.

A Tool For a Fool

Tonight, or rather, a few hours ago, I went with Justin, his brother Seth and his girlfriend Margie to see Tool perform live at Rogers Place. First time I've been to the new stadium and the show was as good as the last one I had been to.. like, over ten years ago.

This post isn't about Tool, though. It's about her. Fola.

Surprise, surprise.

It looks like we're in limbo at the moment. Had a fight a few days ago that we haven't quite recovered from, and I don't know how she really feels about me at the moment. It's been.. difficult for me to really let go of her, but I know I have to. I have to at least assert my own independence so that I can move ahead in case I never see her again. I have to keep an open heart and mind and immerse myself back into reality where before it was much like a dream being with this woman.

On my other blog, I wrote an article about whether or not I think soulmates exist. I couldn't get any real facts into the picture, but I did get into explaining my feelings for Fola and summarizing more or less everything that has transpired between us in our relationship.

There was a list online that I copied which described what a "twin flame" looks like, and it really was a lot like Fola and I, with some exceptions. Looking at the list, I realized that the exceptions were kind of not exceptions at all, but more like... one-sided exclusions, I would say. For instance, one of the 18 bullet points said that in a twin flame relationship, you feel like giving without getting anything in return. That is kind of partly true, because I was giving her my everything. It is not true that she was giving me her everything, unfortunately.

In other articles I've read online, there is something called a flame "runner" who is usually the younger and more immature of the two twin flames, who unintentionally sabotages the relationship and/or is more eager to break up than to make things work.

I can see Fola as a runner, for sure, but I was runner as well at one point.

It is.. This idea of a soul mate or twin flame wasn't something I'd ever believed in with conviction. I mean, in my heart I.. suppose I was searching for her, but my head and all my dismal dating experiences were telling me that there is no such thing as being "destined" to be with someone who is your other half. Or who completes you.

... Although Fola and I are still talking, we both.. seem to be.. in a kind of phase, I suppose. She is hesitant about revealing too much, and I am.. well, I guess I'm willing to reveal everything. I'm still trying to be emotionally generous and available to her.

I found out today that she was at a co-dependency group meeting yesterday. That news.. kind of saddened me. Maybe not saddened, but.. Well, in the back of my mind I was thinking that I liked being joined at the hip. I liked making her the center of my life, even though.. Well... Even though that might not be healthy.

No, its not healthy. When I give too much to one person and leave little for myself, then thats not healthy or wise at all. No matter how much I love the other person or how much I want to make them happy.

My life's purpose is still... priority. Whatever it is, to be honest, I don't really know. I'm still stuck with insulating. I'm still... crippled by my inability to hear normally and... in debt... and... there doesn't look like much of a silver lining out there for me. Especially now with Fola out of my life. Or any kind of loving relationship, even though I hesitate to quite call what we had, that.

Listening to Ralph Smart talking about how to attract prosperity and wealth; he makes an excellent point that in order to become wealthy, you can't just sit around and wish for it. You have to earn it. That's pretty obvious when you think about it, but with Fola being all gung-ho about utilizing the Law of Attraction as lectured by Esther Hicks; I can't help but wonder how will she plan on becoming wealthy without giving anything worthwhile to deserve financial success.

And... I put myself under the microscope too. How can I become wealthy? Can I just "think and grow rich" like Napolean Hill and a great many other self-help gurus proclaim is possible?

So... It was wise of Ralph to demolish this "think and grow rich" way of thinking. I mean, yeah, you can think and grow rich, but you have to do something. You have to believe first, and... spend each day believing and working towards making that possible. Even one hour out of the day devoted in some way to creating wealth, is better than standing still hoping for it to happen.

There are so many factors to becoming rich. Discipline. Perseverance. Desire. Productivity. And if my talent is to write, I will have to engage all of the above including creativity, and that can sometimes be harder to come by than the rest.

But... I have to do something. I can't keep insulating. I can't stay in debt. I need to be able to afford hearing aids. I would.. I will be living on an acreage someday. I will find happiness and stability and freedom by becoming wealthy.

But, how?

I enjoy writing, I suppose.. But it's not really the writing I enjoy whenever I write. It's the... idea of pleasing someone that I enjoy. I like having an appreciative audience, no matter how large or small they may be. I suppose that is something which is a product of my ego, which has been letting go of the need for validation from others. Over the years, that part of me has been disintegrating, and with it, my desire to write.

But, write I must, for it is seemingly the best talent I have.

When a fellow at work once suggested I would make a good game show host, I was reminded that I'd rather be with people in need. To help them. To make them smile. Or to think. And, I've always been the type of guy that would provoke my friends and shock them, just to enjoy their reaction. I'd do it with jokes and sarcastic statements that makes them laugh. Sometimes pranks, too. But however approach I take, I do enjoy.. changing the consciousness of another human being for the better.

Hmm. First time I've come to that realization. Changing the consciousness of a human being..

I think that makes a lot of sense. Whether I can make someone happy, or to see things differently, or to have more wisdom or knowledge or whatever.. by any means, be it by talking, writing or just.. giving them the best orgasm of their life. I like bringing a new experience to the table. A new way of looking at things.

I suppose its because I understand the depth that is within myself. I know how much I have to offer and I see that other people aren't able to offer nearly as much as I can. This isn't a point of pride for me to admit, as it can often be a curse rather than a blessing. Some people can't handle the kind of.. sensitivity that I have. It is difficult to relate with, I suppose. Being hard of hearing makes it so that I focus even more on the subtle background stuff as well as being more aware of certain things that many people don't pay attention towards. Body language. Emotions. The small things they do that says many things without them realizing it.

And.. this depth is something I have to leverage somehow, if I want to achieve personal and financial success of some kind. In whatever career or enterprise I wish to embark upon.

Writing.. is pretty good.. when I can write from the heart. It is effortless for me when I do that, but not so much when it comes to telling a story from a third-person perspective that is completely fictional.

Hmm.

A non-fictional way of expressing my thoughts through writing... Sure sounds like my other blog to me, but I'm not particularly happy with how I have been writing on there. I mean, sure I can write funny informative things, but.. I'm not eager too. Mainly because I don't have much of an audience at the moment, I guess. I am not getting enough positive feedback to really motivate myself with.

This is... an important thing for me to figure out. Where are my talents, how to apply them, and how to do what I love each and every day.

I wish.. earlier on.. that I could have gone into becoming a psychologist, but it feels out of reach to me at this point. I can't consider it a viable option.

A counselor? Maybe if I had normal hearing I could. But I could still maybe pull it off.

A psychiatric nurse? I wouldn't mind that either. But again.. my hearing.. and my lack of being able to commit to two years of going to school for it. Or having the finances.

And.. that doesn't leave me with many options.

I don't know.

I am feeling strange physical sensations in me lately. My.. heart seems to be glowing at certain times. I sometimes feel a "band" around my waist. I occasionally feel a pressure in the middle of my forehead, or along the side of my face.

There are... changes happening. I believe Fola is responsible for some of them. The.. heart chakra for me, has been "opened" before I had met her; so, that is not one. But the forehead.. the sides of my face and the band around my waist... I don't know.. I kind of feel like it is connected to her, for some reason.  The crown chakra, the solar, the heart...

I don't know man.

I.. feel like I'm in a period of self-mastery at the moment. There are things that I must get a handle on to try and understand and manage within myself.

I can't believe I am almost 40 years old and I'm still unsure about what my purpose is supposed to be.

The odd thing as I have been writing this post, is that I don't feel depressed or sad about it. I feel more.. disappointed than anything. I do feel a little handicapped, but I..

(sighs) yeah, I am basically handicapped. Stuck in this job, being hard of hearing...

No real support system in my life. No love in my life.

Not even a dog.

Just myself.

Someday, my mother will pass away and I will be on my own. I will be facing the world without any love of any kind coming my way. I will have to...

Earn it. Earn affection.

And... I was thinking about it today... A little... About feeling deserving of being loved by someone whom I can love back.

I realized that it is not exclusive to a romantic relationship.

Although Rumi had once said that in order to honor and know God; one must become a lover.

And so.. I'm back to wanting to be in a loving relationship. My number one priority, it seems.

And.. it shouldn't be, but it is. I feel like.. I need someone in my corner other than my mother. Someone loving. Kind. Compassionate. Sensitive. Giving. Understanding.

Someone that is willing to help me grow and would want to accept the same.

(sighs) .. I feel bad about Justin. He's...

Eh.. it doesn't really matter, I suppose. He's my friend, but I feel bad that he couldn't.. that I can't seem to make him happy as much as I used to. Telling jokes and making him laugh. I still can, sometimes, but it doesn't quite feel the same as it used to. I...

I don't know man.. I feel so.. helpless in this situation I'm in. With my job, with Justin, with Fola... with life. With money.

And.. I can't just.. allow them to wound me. I have to be resilient. I have to...

Have faith.

Although Edison once said that faith without facts is like believing in fiction.

He kind of is right.

However, Fola.. meeting her has transformed me. I feel like.. there is a reason to have faith, now. Just because of how extraordinary our relationship has been.

That.. time I spent with her.. some of the moments we've shared.. made me believe things.

I believe in a mystical union between two partners now. I know what it feels like to directly commune with the God within each and every one of us. I have seen Him, or It. I have experienced divinity while with Fola.

Just as I have experienced it on my own, but because it wasn't a shared experience, I did not give it as much weight.

But.. Fola.. the connection I have with her. It.. proves unreal things. It proves... that there is something "more" beyond the physical reality of this world.

It proves reincarnation. Soulmates. Twin flames. It kind of proves a soul "contract" as well.

And all of these things, prove a greater purpose beyond this life. They prove that death is not the end, and that the spirit will live on. The memories will remain.

I am feeling this all in my bones as I type. That there is no death other than that of the ego, when one passes from this world to the next.

And.. this reality..

Is an opportunity. Most likely, an opportunity to learn.

To experience. Learning comes from paying attention to what you've experienced.

And paying attention comes from being mindful.

So.. In order for me to call myself a true "success" would be to.. continue having faith in my words and deeds and thoughts. I am a good person. I am trying to make myself de.,, No. I already feel deserving of good things. Of love. Of happiness and family and... fulfillment.

All I can do is carry on feeling deserving, and conduct myself with grace, gratitude, dignity and strength.

There is really nothing else I can do, other than to stay true to the spirit within me.

My soul.. shines.. Not always, but often times it does.

I.. love who I am. I know I am a good person. I know I am trying to be my best in a world that seems to want to bring out my worst.

A world that seems to honor the worst.

I am the fish that is swimming against the tide.

Hmm.

Wish I knew where I am going with this post.. Seems to be all over the place.

On the surface, life seems pretty complex. But inside of me.. I feel like there is a simplicity to live by.

The Bible would describe this simple way of being as, "love thy neighbor" or "do unto others as you would have them do unto yourself."

And.. that seems to be the way I have been trying to be.

The only thing to honor, is love.

Love of myself. Love of my neighbor. Love of those who disappoint and curse me. Love for those that hurt me.

Love is understanding. Love is the knowing that the clothes a man wears, is not who he really is inside. It is but a pale reflection. Just like the scars of a battle does not reveal the truth. It can only suggest it.

The truth is, we are all pristine and perfect, but we wear these cloaks that are made up of experience on this physical plane. Cloaks that hide who we really are. That conceals our vulnerabilities and alters our behaviour and encourages separation rather than unity.

The truth is that we are all one. That cliche is true.

We are all God.

I am God.

I am the Creator.

At least I am a part of creation.

I may not be able to create the world in seven days, but I do have powers.

I can do things.

I can make the world a better place, even when it is difficult for me to do so. Even with all these obstacles I am facing.

I think it is the effort that will determine the reward. How much I put in will indicate how much I will be getting back.

But I need to know where exactly to be placing my efforts.

Writing, right?

I already know that I must remain true to myself.

Honor the authenticity within,

Honor the God within me.

And try to become like Him.

By reflecting onto others.. the purity of His love.

Through the words and actions of my heart.

No matter how bad things get.

And.. if reincarnation is real...

Then I will have nothing to worry about.

Because.. I will be... judged.. I suppose.. I will evolve from this experience...

I will be acknowledged at some point in the afterlife.

And that.. is.. something comforting, if I know that I have conducted myself correctly. To stand before the world reflecting the attributes I most want to see from it.

Even if I trip over my own feet and stumble in order to be able to try and do that.

The achievement is not nearly as important as the on-going effort is.

The effort to try.

Always keep trying.

Always keep moving.

And leave no regrets behind.

So.. I must apply these thoughts.

My relationships. My job. Fola. My future...

I must keep applying these thoughts.

And.. if there is anything of mercy that is observing my progress...

Then I will be informed on what to do next.

Somehow.

And.., that requires faith,

Meeting Fola has given me more faith that there is something beyond the veil of this earth.

So I must continue to believe.

And I must continue to try.

The answers are coming.

Some of them have already arrived.

The Dreams Do Not Make Sense

Just woke up a few minutes ago. I had candles going in my room, and I was listening to a crown chakra song by Danny Becher when I fell asleep.

I woke up with memories of a strange dream.

The first part of it, was that I was breaking into a facility of some kind. Inside of a
dark room/cell there was a couch that I sat upon next to the door. Before me was a pool of water.

As I sat, there was.. movement in the water, and suddenly a whale came out. I was not surprised for some reason, and I got up to stand. It was.. diving up from the water and submerging back down. I could run my hand along its body and felt the warm and cool skin of this animal as it moved.

I then sat back onto the couch and felt movement beneath me. From the carpeted floor, the whale was pushing itself up and I moved to the side so that the head of it could emerge.

It.. recognized me and could speak telepathically. I then found out it was a female, and that it was being held captive. There was another whale in the next room that I was told about. When I asked her long she was there for, she sighed and said three months.

The dream then progressed. I was still inside the facility, but now I was someplace else. I was in the company of children and a few elderly adults. Again it was dark, and all of us was gathered to watch a movie on tv inside of a living room.

I was not supposed to be there, and neither was the woman I love; who was there also, sitting to my left.

On my right was a young chubby girl who looked to be around five or six years of age. Brunette, and I had my hand gently around her neck. There was love between us also, for some reason, even though I didn't feel like I knew who she was.

A few things happened during this dream that seem insignificant to report on. I remember the woman I love (but not what she looked like) accidentally kissing an elderly man thinking it was me. She then left to go rinse her mouth out in the kitchen. When I went to follow her in, she was not there, so I sat at the table which had drawers in it. I emptied my pockets and found a keychain that looked like a cowboy boot. I also found two photos of a naked woman that appeared to be from a magazine. I placed those items in the drawer, and remembered thinking if I should put the photos in there as well, otherwise the kids might see it. I ended up balling it in my fist, and crumbling it.

My phone had a notification that went off. Three messages were on it. One of them was about how a boy "hated me" and asking if I was "okay" because whoever sent me that text knew about this boy and I somehow had the GPS coordinates of where he was.

Then, the dream took a turn. I heard a commotion from a door down the hallway. My "love" and I were not supposed to be where we were, and she was discovered. A team of paramedics was there and she was being hauled away screaming on a stretcher. I was mad, and as I watched her being taken down the stairs, I thought about fighting the four paramedics that were there. The first one I saw was in front of me, taking his first step down the stairs. I grabbed him by the neck and thought about pushing him down. Instead, I took his arms and crossed them behind his back to immobilize him.

I followed this procession outside, as the paramedics with the stretcher in front of us didn't seem to notice that I was there. My woman was still screaming and I was livid. Outside was bright and sunny and I got to talking with the paramedic I was holding.

"You sick fucking people..." I remember saying. "You kidnap an innocent woman, inject her with needles and for what? For your experiments?"

The paramedic began to fight off tears as my rage compelled me to speak a harsh truth towards him.

We were still in the procession, following my beloved.

The last memory I had before waking up, was seeing her lead into a building where two armed guards walked outside of and began positioning themselves up front. Holding what looked like rifles. They were both women it seems, and they both seemed uncertain about how to use their weapons as I watched them try and adjust what they were holding. It didn't even look like rifles. More like long cardboard tubes.

(sighs)

I don't get it. If I had to analyze this, I would say that I was dreaming of being in a hero role and that I was fighting to release love from captivity. The whale and the woman may have been one and the same, and they both represented that kind of captive/oppressed archetype that I was trying to set free.

That's all the sense I can make of all this. The children made me feel like I was part of a family, but wasn't. They weren't my kids. And the elderly people weren't my parents. They belonged to someone else.

In conclusion, I may be.. dreaming of redemption. Of battling against injustice in the name of love.

A.. supernatural/mystical transcendent kind of love. Signified by the whale. Embodied by the human female, later on.

I was facing opposition. The boy who I was texted about, gave me the sense that he was young. Around seventeen or so. The items I was discarding, appeared to have been obtained after a trip of some kind.

I don't know how to interpret the disapproval of this boy towards me, but I can interpret the items as having been part of a trip someplace. A tourist destination.

So then, this dream was about a journey I was on to find and then rescue my true love. She was in a dark place, and I faced opposition.

Back to sleep I go. Maybe there will be more. I can't get over how real it all felt. How I could feel the skin of this whale as it moved past my hand.

I can't get over the way my woman screamed on that stretcher. Or how the paramedic was moved to tears by my anger and began to see the sense I was making.

(sighs)

I really need to think about this some more. I think I interpreted it correctly.

Anyways..

Let's hope I can get more clues.

Crocodile Tears

(sighs)

What a life. What a time to be alive.

Yesterday, Fola and I met up for the first time in a couple of weeks.

We're... so wrong and so right for each other.

I'm smoking right now, staring at this screen, feeling..

Kind of sad. Kind of numb. Kind of.. something else.. anger, maybe. Longing, definitely.

My fingers are having a hard time writing my thoughts. I don't know what I should be saying. I don't feel particularly eloquent right now.

Heh.. A thought just popped in. "I love her" is what it said.

Yeah, I love her.

We went to test drive a Landrover and it was an okay experience. My favorite part of the trip was feeling Fola's fingers run over my hand as I touched her shoulder while she was in the passenger seat talking with the salesman.

Such a good feeling.

(sighs)

I am.. I was going to say that I am an idiot, but...

I know I'm .. (sighs)

Maybe I am an idiot.

Fola and I had an intense relationship. Fola has some serious things that are wrong with her that I haven't seen in anyone else I've dated before. I don't think.

I see this lack of warmth in her, this inability to really let go and trust me with her intimate thoughts and feelings. I see this.. void within her. This.. hole that needs to be filled. I see some kind of..

(sighs) ..

My fingers aren't cooperating. I am trying to write as honestly and truthfully to my feelings as possible. To get my thoughts down exactly as they arrive inside my head and.. there is this hesitation someplace. Or this.. weariness, maybe, that is making this difficult.

I love that woman.

When she pulled up at the dealership while I was waiting for her.. that hug we exchanged. That kiss.

That kiss was so..

Perfect.

I overanalyze things. I fixate on stuff that people don't really pay attention towards. I really enjoy the.. background processes. The smells. The sensations. The touching. Hearing the tone of a voice.

Feeling.. Feeling present. And alive. And.. wrapped up snugly in this.. blanket of two souls.

I didn't feel like I would miss her until I saw her again. Until I touched her hand again.

Everytime I get mad at Fola. Every time she upsets me or takes me for granted, all it takes is.. a smile. A touch. A kiss. And I seem to forget everything.

I am such a sucker. I need ... I can't just let bad things slide, because if I do, then bad things will continue to happen.

I was taken for granted and betrayed enough times by her. I should know by this point that she can't be trusted. I should know that she..

Fuck, man.

Anyways.. Despite how well it went yesterday morning, we.. hit a wall later on in the day when she sent me a journal entry of her Access Bar/Reiki experience at Sundra Healing. One of the things that she mentioned was how Boyd, the practicioner, told her about how she "sucked out all his energy" at the end of the session, and I commented on that. I said, "so he called you an energy vampire" and..

Well, that was all it took for us to start arguing again.

Such a small thing I thought. Such a throwaway comment I made, and she got.. well, she didn't get upset right away, but the texting was spiraling once I said that. She then.. Well.. somehow it became escalated, and she became upset.

I was.. just..

Being me.

I didn't mean to insult or hurt her feelings. But.. I couldn't quite apologize either for what I said. I said what I felt was truthful. And.. I am not convinced that Fola isn't an energy vampire, because when I Googled "energy vampire", I got this:

Energy vampires are emotionally immature individuals who have the sense that the whole world revolves around them. They are almost incapable of seeing things from another person's perspective. They often lack empathy.Nov 14, 2013

And I was like.. That's her. That actually is Fola.

I have to face the facts. She does have trouble seeing things from my perspective. Even when I go into such a ridiculous amount of detail about what my thoughts and feelings are. Laying myself completely bare before her. She still doesn't "get it" and ..

Man.. I don't know.

She is emotionally immature. When we met, she was proud about labelling herself as "non-monogamous" and a "relationship anarchist" but then... She was monogamous while with me. She did change her views.

I think. But, I don't know for sure. She hasn't told me anything about what her current position is on the subject. She doesn't share herself as deeply towards me as I do. She doesn't seem to really know what her opinions are, and that is what makes the relationship so frustrating.

How.. can I be with someone who doesn't know what she wants or what she believes in?

Seriously. At first, she wanted love and romance. She got that. Great sex. She got that too. Emotional support, excitement, passion, compassion.

She was given all those things by me, and... Somehow it stopped being appreciated. It wasn't enough.

And I didn't like how she.. dismissed my efforts. I still remember us taking a bath together and she wanted to leave after a short time, then wanted a massage, then engaged in lukewarm sex that she didn't want to have in the first place.

And didn't express any gratitude for what I doing.

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

I don't know what I should be fixing about myself.

I only know that I can't trust someone who says she is willing to work things out and then wants a break up the next day. The NEXT DAY.

It is such a disconnect from reality. From principles that should be honored. There is no integrity within that woman.

But, fuck.

As bad as .. No. As.. Immature and...

I can't seem to think right now.

Today we somehow got into another argument and that was it. I couldn't take it anymore. I tried to really express the things that were bothering me and she dismissed it all. She didn't...

She didn't really.. want this relationship to work.

I keep wondering if I'm asking for too much. I realized today that I'm.. I made myself vulnerable, and my vulnerability is not attractive in the least.

Now I know to be more careful about it. I need to shelter it because..

Nobody is as sensitive as I am. She couldn't relate to me. She wouldn't give me any assurances. There was no interest in her to try and work through our issues.

I spent the last two hours in bed listening to this heart chakra video playing at 528hz. For some reason, this frequency is associated with DNA repair and healing.

I'm not completely convinced it is, but it was a good experience nonetheless. It felt peaceful to lay in bed, as still as possible, with my hands over my heart and my thoughts loose and quiet.

That was the most interesting part of it all to me. My thoughts were quiet. I didn't feel anger. I wasn't thinking much about anything. Just being. Just existing.

Healing myself, I suppose. Instinctively.

Paying attention to my thoughts, I can still feel her entering them. Popping up and making me feel regretful. I feel this.. disappointment run through me. This wondering of how our future could be like, if only she did X and didn't do Y.

I know I can't control or coerce anyone to change, but I seem.. I don't seem to be able to believe that.

I feel that..

I'm understanding now what my role in this soulmate relationship was. My job was to show Fola what a loving relationship looks like. What sex looks like within a loving relationship. What a loving person is supposed to resemble.

And I succeeded with that. I showed her the best of myself.

Now, she probably has a different opinion on things. She now knows what the potential is for a loving relationship and what it involves.

And that's a good thing. Even if we can't seem to get along with each other without resorting to personal attacks and hurt feelings.

Fola now knows what love looks like, I suppose. I did love her. I really did.

I still do.

And.. Though she doesn't..

Man.. It doesn't matter.

I've given it my best. And at the end, I dumped my deepest thoughts onto her. She then suggested I go see a counselor.

I felt.. like she dismissed my concerns when she said that. I felt like she turned it into a "it's not me, it's you" situation where she doesn't have to admit responsibility. Although she has.

But.. she..

She doesn't...

Feel like it was her fault. That's the hurtful part. Yes, it was her fault for us arriving at this point. It was her that got angry with me for no reason three times in one week. It was her fault for wanting to sit by Ryan instead of with me and making me feel unloved and rejected. It was her fault for doing the same thing with that guy on the plane whom she sat by, rather than with me. It was her fault for making eyes at the guy in the tiger shirt or Ryan, and forgetting that I was right there, feeling like I didn't matter to her.

It was her fault she turned down sex and then..

Fuck, man. I'm not going through the list.

I know it was her fault for the way everything ended up as. All I've done wrong, was that I dropped my guard and had high expectations. I really thought we were going to be building a life together. But she wasn't interested in doing so. At least that is how it appeared to me.

My soulmate wasn't ready to be in a relationship with me, and I was, and I.. got too invested in this. I fucked up by taking it too seriously. Asking for too much when I really should have stuck to my guns and held true to my principles. I should have not..

(sighs)

I still don't really know what I've done wrong. I don't.. think I..

Maybe..

No. I did nothing wrong. I was being myself, and she loved who I am when we first met.

Until she stopped loving it. And began creating drama.

It didn't matter how many times I forgave her for it. It didn't matter how hard I was trying.

Didn't matter how good our connection was.

She still kept creating drama. She still kept taking me and our relationship for granted.

I sound like a broken record repeating things like "you've taken me for granted" over and over to her without anything coming out of it.

But that is exactly what happened. She took me for granted. She took us for granted. She didn't invest as much of herself into us. She didn't fully trust our connection or my intentions.

I gave her all the assurances in the world, and she gave me very little in return.

I don't care about gifts. I just want to see action. I want to see her intentions being made known. But she didn't know what her intentions were. She just wanted to be given something beautiful.

And not give anything beautiful in return.

So.

I've done nothing wrong.

I've given her my everything.

And now, here I am.

My blog... *hugs* I really am thankful for you being here to listen to me. As pathetic as it sounds, you've helped me by listening to my words without judgement. You've given me a shoulder to cry upon. You've always been here, waiting for my thoughts. For my words to be impressed upon you.

I am so fucking lonely that I am treating my blog like it is a friend.

(sighs)

But it is.

And I already know that "friend" is me.

My blog is me.

And I love who I am.

No matter what.

And... I am going to keep loving who I am.

Until I find someone that loves me too.

Well, life.

Let's see what you'll be throwing at me next.