I figured out #7.
#7 - Stop wasting energy, on worrying about how you appear to others. This is such an important lesson I've learned from dating Carolyn. I realize now, that I was wasting so much valuable time and energy on making sure that I looked "good" to her. That I didn't come across as this sometimes klutzy guy, who spends a little too long brushing his teeth, likes to go for random drives and spends time sitting around outside looking at the sky and taking in the ambience. I couldn't really be that guy I actually am, with her. I was too worried she wouldn't appreciate or respect those qualities of mine. That she would find them "weird" or "strange", and that I would start to look less attractive to her than if I was completely myself, whenever she was around.
This is such an important lesson. Man.. I knew the second I thought of this, that I had to run to the laptop and start posting. I didn't want to wake up in the morning having forgotten any of this. I was doing exactly this, in my most "successful" relationships. Ironically, I had no idea I was doing it, and worse still, I was only doing it, with women that I did not have strong feelings for.
Women that I didn't have to worry around. About how good I looked, or how nice I was, or how thoughtful, considerate, attentive, smart, funny I was. I was just me. I stopped worrying about how I presented myself, and then an odd thing begins to happen.
They started getting really attached. The ones that I don't want to be with.
Like Gynger, like Kim. Elizabeth. Penelope. Any of those girls, would easily have gone into a multi-year relationship with me. I mean, Gynger proved it by putting up with me for over a year before I had to break it off with her because of Gina. Even though I had told her repeatedly that we weren't a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of deal.
My God.. this is a revelation to me. I *get* it now. No wonder the relationships where I worry so much about the person leaving, are the ones that fail the hardest.
Lauren. Amy. Leah. Georgina.
I get my mistake now.
But.. it's not easy being the best of who I can be. There are days when I really don't want to talk to anyone. Or to be with my partner. But I can't tell them that. I can't say, "leave me alone right now" and expect them to understand. I can't expect them to know, not to take it personally, and that I need my space. Not all too often, but some of the time. Randomly.
With my "successful" relationships, I took that time I needed. When I needed it. Somehow there was an understanding that passed between my partner and I. She knew I wasn't texting, because of this need of mine. She knew that I turned her offer down to come by, because of a silent understanding that existed between the two of us. And those girls were rarely offended by my actions. They always wanted to see me, and we barely even texted/talked on the phone.
Maybe, I underestimated Gina's ability to be capable of doing the same thing that those girls did. To actually understand, and not be angry or confused if I don't want to talk to her for a day, or two, or three. She can still text or call me, and I'll answer, but I would have to make it clear what I'm up to, if I am chasing these moods of mine.
I remember trying to tell her this once, about how I needed time to myself. Sometimes an entire day. Which meant no texting or calling or visiting. She replied saying that she would be "sad" and that I would have to let her know when I plan on going off the radar. But, I can't plan for these kind of moments. They just appear. I can't tell her that I need all of Sunday off, and it's a Friday. I can't plan ahead that way. I don't know when the moment will strike, and I kind of have a duty to be able to respond to it.
I mean, that's where my creativity comes from. My observations. My sense of humor. My objectivity. My empathy. Probably other things, too. My imagination, also.
If I moved in with her, it would be so different. We'd get to talk everyday. I'll always be there for her, in the night, on the weekends. I'll always be sleeping in the same bed as her, at the end of the day. There wouldn't be much of a need at all for me to text, or call her on the phone and ask how she's doing. I'd be able to do that in person, which is far better, and frees up more time for myself. Even if her kids are demanding attention, I could easily have taken the burden off of her by giving her every second day off so she could have time to herself, while I make lunches for the kids, help them with their school work, and play around while she takes a bath, or goes off to the mall, or maybe decides to have a walk alone in the park. And I'd get to have the same thing, the next day. And we'd always end up in bed together. There would be no concern about my not having texted or called or somehow abandoned her.
Man... I wished I pushed things faster in that direction while we were together. That's the solution. I remember thinking this same thing, when she stood in my kitchen that one time telling me how she hated making lunches, and how little free time she has in the evenings to herself. I remember the first thought that came to mind. That we had to move in together. But all I could do at the time, was laugh inwardly at myself because we were only a few months into the relationship, and it was much too soon to be considering something like that.
But maybe I should have spoken my mind, and made that suggestion. I don't know. It probably wouldn't have made much of a difference in the end.
Anyways, I get it now... I so get it.
rule #7 - honor yourself above all others
I can't think of a better way to sum it up.
Back to bed I go. Zzz.
