I am such a fucking idiot.
Why? Because I read my earlier posts. About Leah, about Amy.
And I'm saying the same stupid fucking things almost, that I said about Gina.
"One of a kind"
"This is really love"
"I never felt anything like this before.."
"I'm trying, I'm really trying."
Wow.. what am I? Who am I? I claim to be learning from my mistakes, and yet I overlook those two girls? And I couldn't "fix" my mistakes with Gina, for some reason? I couldn't have put my experience to use?
See, this is why history is so important. It reminds us of things that should not be forgotten. This is why I still keep pictures of these exes, and why I still have Lauren's letters.
I am repetitive. I am going through the same bullshit now as I have been five years ago. I didn't love Leah, not even close. I didn't love Amy, fuck her.
But, Gina.. dammit. I mean.. I was scared. I didn't open up to her... not in the same way I opened up to Lauren, or Leah, or Amy.. That was the mistake I made this.. no, that was ANOTHER mistake I've made that I didn't learn from. I opened up with Leah, and it didn't do me any good. Wait a minute.. maybe I have learned from my mistake.. I didn't open up with Gina, because of what happened in the past.
I am such a fascinating subject to probe into. I'm so lucky to have a mind like my own and a soul that has had the experiences it has.
I'm a goddamn resevioir. If I ever can spell that word correctly.
My soul is RICH. For all of its scars, it still shines. It still surprises me with its depth, and character and kindness and faith.
I'm not depressed over Georgina, I'm terribly sad, yes, but not depressed.
I wonder why... No, really. The breakup should have destroyed me more than Leah/Amy already did.
But it didn't.
I'm now thinking, that all those shitty relationships, all those bad moments, are preparing me for something great. I would not have appreciated Georgina as much if I had never dated Lauren, for example. I would not have appreciated her, if I didn't date as many women as I have. I would not be able to recognize her worth, really, or consider her as someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.
The past has molded me, is still molding me. For every step backwards, I seem to take a half-step forward. And then 3/4 of a step, until finally I'm going forward and I'm in this new... paradigm.. or, experience where my faith is again tested and then.. well, I don't know if this is really true or not, but it then feels rewarded. If Lauren and I didn't break up, and we got married and I ended up having a shitty life and then a divorce, that would be so much worse for me than to simply break up after six months. SO MUCH WORSE. I'd be devastated with a divorce. Especially if there are kids involved. And then paying child support, and possibly alimony... picking up my kids on the weekend, while Lauren fucks some other guy.
Hell, no. I like THIS way better. I kind of am the star of my own Groundhog Day film.
I feel like I'm moving, again. Forward. Slowly, but surely. A tortoise following an invisible carrot on a long stick. But inevitably, I get to eat that thing. Even if it's just a little, I still get a prize.
But.. I don't like thinking that I'm going to find someone better than Gina. I.. have a hard time right now imagining it, and knowing what the past six years.. Hell, my whole life has been up to this point and the women I involved myself with.
Georgina was the best of the bunch.
No exaggeration. I won't be reading this post a year from now thinking otherwise. I'm pretty sure of it.
Carolyn Georgina Clayton is the love of my life.
When I say that out loud, it doesn't feel like anything but the truth. And I have been saying it every day now, since our breakup, it seems.
Every day.
I know I won't be with her. I have no way of seeing her. I'm not going to stalk her, I'm not going to annoy her.
But, I'm going to keep loving her.
I know what the past is like.
I know what kind of person she is. For the most part.
I know she's kind, generous, giving, gentle and good.
At least that's what I think I know.. but she was the one who broke up through text and then said, "well, texting is your preferred means of communication..." as a reason as to why she did it like that to me, well... that's.. cruel. I don't know what to make of this one thing, though. Was it actually cruelty at the time to her? Did she really want to break up with me through text, because she thought thats the method I preferred, was it done out of cowardice, or did she do it out of spite?
If it's spite...
I don't think it is. But again, she did ignore all my messages and got angry at me for trying to figure out what exactly went wrong, which she can only explain as.. well, it doesn't matter. I covered that already.
Anyways...
I should fix my pictures on this blog. Looks like a lot of them have gone missing.
