Oh my God...
I have failed so hard.
Today, I felt the compulsion to drop off a basket of flowers on Georgina's doorstep with a note saying for her to call me.
Well, she called.
And it was awful.
When I asked if she read the letters, her first reaction was to get angry. As if the things Jennifer Lauren Johnson has done to me deserved the dignity of having her letters kept private. But, Gina was angry that I shared and surprised at how long I've kept them for. She also expressed "concern" that I *could* share the correspondence we both had together.
Unbelievable. Nobody understands me.
Intentions don't seem to matter anymore.
Those letters... that whole package I left her, was supposed to be two things. An ugly confession of what an ugly woman has done to me six years ago that has scarred me to this day, and the second part of this package was the CD, which was the most incredible mix I have ever done. For anyone. It was perfect. It captured my feelings perfectly. It was touching. It was stirring...
IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
And what does Carolyn say about the CD?
"I threw it out."
She didn't even listen to it.
Oh, God... I want to believe that faith matters in this world, I really do, but stuff like this.. stuff like this makes it so damned hard.
I love Carolyn.
I think about her every day.
And now, after our long conversation with me trying desperately to hold back my tears and keeping my voice level and calm (and constantly failing).. its...
Done.
It's done.
There was.. this moment.. where I asked Gina what it was she felt with us during the first few months together.
"Oh, that was infatuation."
Infatuation.
That lead up to a breakup from out of nowhere, with little explanation why, done through text..
And oh.. God... she stuck a knife in me, regarding text.
"It's your preferred means of communication."
Oh, God...
I have FAILED.
These words can't convey it enough. I feel like my heart, my imagination, my soul, my spirit..
God.
All these things have betrayed me.
Those days I spent listening to the CD, thinking Gina was listening to it too, thinking that she will "get" me once she puts two and two together.
No more.
Nobody ever "gets" me.
I'm too damned complicated for this world, I'm too naive... and nobody can....
...
Oh, God.
I have to move on.
No matter what.
