Remember

Oh God...

I'm still thinking about her. I thought about her today while I was at Elk Island Park, walking around alone, enjoying the awesome weather and the setting and people on canoes.. and me thinking that I would've loved to take her with me on a canoe, and..

Oh, God...

Then, a few weeks ago when I told some women at work that I was broken up with, and through text, they were super sympathetic. One even made a (?) joke about her being single and available and that the best way for me to forget someone, is to get with someone new.

Well, I reactivated my OkCupid account a few days ago, and..

God...

I'd almost forgotten how much I hated it. I HATE IT. Online dating.. You can't.. I don't want to even get into details, because somehow I'm going to dignify the idea of dating online by doing so, so fuck that. Online dating sucks. There. End of discussion.

So, I get messaged by some girl. She's okay looking, but all she says is "hi". And then I look at her profile, and the damned thing is EMPTY. She wasn't a bot or anything like that, because she "liked" me in this Quickmatch thing that I also happened to "like" her in, so she messaged me. It was a real person.

But, yeah. All she said was "hi" .. followed by me looking at a blanker than blank profile with NOTHING in it. Not like she was brand new either, I don't think. And so I write back with:

"Hello. That's quite an empty profile you've got."

Then she says how "she knows" but that I could ask her "anything".

What laziness.

So I humor her, thinking that already she's not my type and that I may as well probe her for something that could benefit me. So I asked her what did she like most about my profile. Presumably, because that is what she read before deciding to contact me. Unless she really only did go off of the photos...

Anyways, I ask her what did she like most about my profile?

She writes back with, "well it's interesting."

Message one.

Message two, was "getting to know u."

(closes OkCupid App)

(cries when I start remembering how perfect Georgina was)

I'm sitting in this bathtub, a grown ass man with his head in his hands and these little tears dribbling out the side of my eyes. My phone vibrates, and it's a text from this girl I agreed to meet with on Sunday.

HER TEXTS ARE BORING.

Her name is Libby, and .. I didn't think much of her at first, but she had some sort of real depth to her, and when she sent me a link to her blog, her posts had a tremendous amount of depth. There was a real soul and heart to this woman. Plus, she was a writer. And a good one too!

But man, her texts.. is just like that girl saying "hi". I have to continually ask questions and keep the "conversation" moving along. All she does is answer them with one sentence, and maybe a LOL or a smiley face, and then wait for me to respond to her NOTHING answer. I'm not a colour commentator. I don't follow "your" action with clever witticisms and thoughts. A CONVERSATION IS NOT HAVING YOUR EGO GETTING ITSELF MASSAGED BY SOMEONE WHO RESENTS DOING IT.

I am NOT here to prop women up. To fix them. To appease them. To overlook the glaring flaws that they have so little self-respect and faith in themselves, that they cannot even bother to try fixing. Or even noticing. Careless, spoiled, entitled, self-centered...

BITCHES.

There. That felt good. I don't swear often, and I held off on saying "cunts" but BITCHES, felt good. Really good.

Not that Libby is a bitch, but most women. Most women on DATING SITES are BITCHES.

The sad part? They're bitches, or boring, or shallow, because OF US.

MEN.

And men are the ones who .. Geez, WHAT A STUPID FUCKING CYCLE.

Women try to do what they think "men" want from them. Pretty, DTF, big tits or ass or whatever.. makeup all over themselves, lipstick, clothes.. they all do these things to get "men".

And what do men do?

We work out. Or we work, and make a ton of money. We provide both protection and security. We're leaders. Risk-takers. Loyal. Honourable. Family-first. That sort of thing.

That sort of thing that women want, I mean.

But what are guys actually looking for?

It's not casual sex. Hell yeah we love sex, but fucking some girl that we don't have feelings for is something on par with inflating up a love doll, or paying some hooker to blow you in an empty parking lot someplace. WE DON'T CARE how we blow our loads. We just NEED to.

And that's part of the problem we have. Our crazy ass testosterone clouds rational thought when it comes to a good looking gal. And women know this, hence why they manipulate themselves to fit that ideal image that they think men expect of them. And if they can't meet that image, then they'll find ways to compensate... Such as ugly girls fucking a guy on the first date. Or they'll be extra attentive in bed. Or they become good cooks, able to keep a clean home.. Whatever. "Ugly" women can always find a way to compensate.

So, again, what are guys actually looking for?

What are women, actually looking for?

Anyone who doesn't think that "love" is the correct answer, is an idiot.

Both genders need and want to be loved, dammit.

LOVED.

That word is so polluted nowadays, that I think its lost its meaning.

Saying it doesn't mean shit, anymore.

I love you? Who cares. Heard that before. From other people, too.

What makes YOUR "I love you" better than HIS "I love you" or HER "I love you" ??

Saying that word, doesn't mean shit.

Which is why I hated myself for telling Georgina that I loved her.. AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

I SHOULD HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

WHEN IT WOULD HAVE MOST COUNTED.

WHEN LOVE WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY STOOD A CHANCE.

But no, I fucked it all up. I fucked it good.

So that is why as I was outside having a cigarette, after deciding to start again, that I began to think about writing down some of the important things that I have learned from being with Georgina. Mistakes come at a very steep price to me, and I am determined to pay into them as little as possible when it comes to future relationships. That is what IT IS IMPORTANT to not forget ANYTHING I've learned from any of the women I've been involved with in my life.

If history is forgotten, the same mistakes will be made over and over.

Which is something I should have said to Georgina, when she asked me why I still had letters from my ex from six years ago. And the, "why do you even have those? move on!" comment she gave me regarding it.

Well, I didn't give her a proper answer. You know, me being in a shocked and flustered mess over the phone. I didn't know she would call. I was initially elated, and hoping for a better conversation than what followed, and I couldn't keep my head straight through fighting back my tears and turning into a little girl with a skinned knee.

So here it is, the things I have learned from dating Georgina.

1. It is OKAY to get angry. LET YOUR ANGER OUT. Georgina spontaneously dumped me without warning, through text, and ignored my messages and phone calls. Then she has the nerve to get angry with ME, because I'm annoying her by leaving flowers at her house, and/or giving her that package with the CD and the letters. I should have told her this over the phone. That I HAVE MORE RIGHT TO BEING ANGRY, THAN SHE DOES. She had no right to be angry at me for the way SHE decided to break up. And then to be "angry" because I didn't go so quietly into the night like she wished I would. Tough. That's a cruel way of treating someone who cared for you. Who she had good chemistry with. Who brought her flowers every month, and tried to treat her well. Someone who gave her the best sex of her life. Someone she claimed she once thanked "God" for having met. THAT GUY IS ME and this is the dignity she left me with. The complete lack of respect and loss of faith in me as a boyfriend and prospective partner and general human being. THAT IS A GOOD REASON FOR ME TO GET ANGRY, AND IT'S OKAY TO GIVE INTO IT BECAUSE IT IS HUMAN. IT IS A NORMAL REACTION. ANGER IS MY WAY OF PROTESTING AGAINST INJUSTICE. And that is exactly what has been delivered to me, and I whimpered all over it.

2. At the 3-month mark, do whatever you can to meet her friends and family. Do not hem and haw and worry about making a good impression on her kids or to impress her mom, or get along with her friend. I should have met Cash and Cole by this point, and because I love kids, I'm pretty sure they would enjoy having me around as well. Which means that the breakup might never have happened, had I properly integrated myself into her life. And integrated her into mine. Instead, I coasted. She met my family at my father's viewing; but I did not meet a single one of hers. In almost six months. Pathetic, and I'm completely regretful.

3. Take charge. Women don't want wishy-washy men who are indecisive or constantly defer decisions to their girlfriend/wife. If I want to go to a particular place to eat, we're going there. If I think a walk in the park at this particular moment is what I most feel like doing, then we're going there. Maybe I'd want to play Super Mario World on the SNES for an hour, yep, we're doing that. Maybe I just want to lay in bed and listen to music. We're gonna do that. Women appreciate men who take charge, and although I can be one of those, I was not in a fearless mood enough to throw caution to the wind. I did not want the relationship to fail, so I kept asking, "what do you feel like doing? what do you think about going to this place?" questions, and wasted a lot of time and the excitement of being spontaneous and flying by the seat of my pants. Because deep inside, I am the adventurous type. I do like to just walk outside, barefoot, at one in the morning just to stand in the grass and look up at the moon. I like to take a different route to work, or to visit an area or restaurant that I haven't been in. I won't risk my life and limbs by bungee jumping, or parachuting out of a plane; and I won't risk my finances to travel to exotic, far-away locales, but I am adventurous. I just never trusted that about myself. But I trust that now, because I'm now trying to...

4. Stay true to yourself. Recognize your limitations. Know who you are, and who you want to be, but don't pretend to be something you are not. Not even a little bit. Because nobody can love flawlessness, it's too blinding. Too unreal. Too impossible for anyone to attain, so why pretend to be perfect? I learned from Georgina, that I was holding back my swears out of fear of offending her. Not that I enjoy swearing, but there are times when calling Dustin a "fucking idiot" would've been better than, "what a moron" when she calls to tell me about the latest dumb thing he's done. And, staying true to myself means that I can live in the moment. I don't have to be afraid of offending anyone, because I am being authentically myself. And I KNOW I am a good person. I KNOW I'm spiritual. I KNOW I am capable of loving another human being to great depths and bringing them crazy amounts of happiness and joy. I KNOW THESE THINGS and yet because of my shitty hearing problem, and because of the fear I gained after Lauren; I had to pretend that those weren't issues, when they very much were. If I was true to myself, I would mention, in the moments that mattered, those exact issues. Those fears I carry. These concerns I'm having. Not wait until when we break up. I was supposed to tell her them while we were dating. I'm just an incredibly vulnerable person, who thinks that our relationship was too good to be true, so I started acting unnaturally so as to minimize the chances of a break up. Which happened anyways, no matter how hard I tried to make sure it wouldn't. That's the key point here, that I tried HARD to make sure she wouldn't break up with me, and she did. So what does that tell me? I should have put those energies to better use. And I should have spoken up whenever something bothered me, or if I sense something is bothering her. And because of modern technology, I should've...

5. STOPPED TEXTING and START CALLING. Or at least severely curtail the texting, because there's no emotion in it. Texting and letters.. they're nice and all, but they don't carry the warmth of the voice. The emotions behind the words are assumed, rather than experienced. Over the phone, this is all possible with sound, not so with the eyes. It's much harder to paint a proper picture of how you are feeling, when having to type words, instead of speaking them. I mean sure, if you're a really good writer and can hone in on exactly the right thing to say at exactly the right times, then sure, you could probably get away with not having to call much, but you still have to call. Why? Because TEXTING IS SOULLESS. If I had not been texting so much, and calling instead, I could have made a better connection with Gina, but I didn't. I was too scared of what my impulsiveness and my hearing issues would bring. Because you can't just ignore a question or statement for a few minutes while you sit around and wonder what to text back with. You have to answer right away and you have to answer correctly without making assumptions about what exactly was said (due to the hearing). There's no time to stop and really think. Women don't want to engage with their guys on a rational level, they want that emotional connection, even though as men, we feel uneasy about making it. Talking over the phone satisfies that connection, if there is a distance, but technology... I mean, even Skype where you get video and voice.. I don't know.. I still think the phone is the absolute best way of keeping a relationship going the way it should.

6. Never stop believing. Never lose faith. Never give up on life and fall into depression over a woman. Those three things aren't really things I've "learned" from dating Carolyn, but they were reaffirmed after she broke up with me. I realized that six years ago, I thought I could never find someone as "good" as I thought Lauren was for me. I thought I was done. And for six years, I was in a dark place where I didn't respect any of the women I've dated. They were nothing to me. I took a bit of pride in making most of them out to be hypocrites, but there was no joy in doing so. Leah, who said she "loved me" even before we met, turned out to be a freak, and didn't love me at all. I mean, I know there's more examples, but whatever, not going to get into the history now. The point is, I never thought I could find someone as complementary as Lauren was, and I did, and I got more than I expected. After the fourth month, was when my mask started slipping, and the ugly stuff that I was keeping buried deep in myself, kind of peeked out at the surface. Not in a direct, surprising way, but a kind of slow revealing, like a thick cloud creeping across the sun, when you have spent all of your life up to that point, not expecting such a thing to happen. The mask can only stay up for so long, before the effort of maintaining it, becomes excruciating to bear. So.. shit, do I ramble.. I have to re-read this.. Yeah, where with Lauren I fell into a six-year abyss; with Gina, I have been raised to what I hope, is a lifetime of bliss. Because now I know what my biggest failures were. I know what mistakes to avoid. Or will try to avoid, rather, because I can't ever predict what will come at me next. But, faith.. faith and hope kind of came with Gina. The reaffirmation of it, I mean. She showed me what love could be. She showed me what my ideal girl could be. She made me believe she could love me, and spoil me, and shower me with affection and kindness and joy and surprises.. She made me believe that there IS a woman, and perhaps other women out there, that can be as kind-hearted and sweet as she is. I don't care how ugly of a breakup we've had, I still love her. And I still believe that whatever up there is responsible for me finding her, that it will bring me someone as good as her or better, if I keep myself on the right path. Maybe, and this is a glorious dream that probably will never happen, but maybe.. faith will reward me with being able to see Georgina again. I don't know. I think it's been a month since I've seen her last, so the memories are still fresh. Maybe I will feel different about Gina in a few months or a year from now. But I don't know.. we'll see if such a thing could ever happen. I don't know what could ever make her want to call or contact me again, or what I could ever do.. So, I don't know... but I do know that life is full of surprises, and I should know that something Greater than myself is up there, or around me, and watching over me. Like it's watching over the billions of other people on this planet. Many, of whom do not have a meaningful relationship with this Greater power like I have developed. I have cursed it, blessed it and ignored it, and despite all the obstacles and pains; I still get surprises from life. Some of them are strange, and they seem to come at opportune moments when I least expect them, but in hindsight, needed them most to appear at that time. So, yeah. If you are spiritual, then hold faith that there is something out there looking after things and that the whole point of being alive on this planet, is to discover happiness and a connection with the Creator. A Creator, who you may as well describe as a parent. Because that is absolutely how important such a being should be to us. How does miracles and coincidences and signs work? Who really knows, but they do. I'm pretty damned sure they do.

7. There is no number 7. Not yet. I'm wiped out after typing what feels like 3,000 words in a blog post, so I'm going to wrap it up for now and see if any new thoughts come to mind in the next few days. I still think of her every day, so I'm sure something new will come up...

(sighs) ... back to the real world I go. To texting women that have been unemployed for three years, are overweight, depressed, unattractive and expect me to fall head over heels with them.

Back I go.