Well, date #3 ended tonight. It was with a girl named Melissa. 32, has a dog, lives in a condo, works in human resources for an inspection company. Doesn't have a favourite food, loves the Downtown Diner in the Fort. She broke up with her last boyfriend because he stopped texting/seeing her due to some issues he was having with his job, and they drifted apart.
I couldn't help but realize that this is what Gina would be saying about me to someone else. It wasn't for the exact same reason that Melissa broke up with her ex, but it felt eerily similiar, in that I allowed the stress of my job to overcome how important Gina was to me at the time. I started taking her for granted. I didn't "feel" as strongly towards her as I did before, and as I do now. I..
Man.. a part of me is screaming, "I FAILED" just like it has been screaming at me every day since the day Gina broke up with me. Every day, I am reminded of her somehow. A red car on the street. Something she said. Something we did. Something I wish I could have done. Something I'm experiencing that I wish I could share with her.
Words I want to say. Kisses I want to give. Hugs. Hand holding.. Touching..
And.. I looked at her pictures today, and ..
I have these Dolly Parton tickets I paid 288$ each for. Tickets that I want her to have, but have no idea how to give them to her, because they are stupid "e-tickets" that use a QR code on a mobile phone for entry. I can't just mail them to her, I'd have to transfer it over to her email address and hope she doesn't get mad at me for having bought them.
I love that woman.. I LOVE HER.
I am still thinking of her everyday.
When I was with Melissa tonight, I thought she was really cute, and I forgot about Gina for a little while. I didn't use her for comparison, and Melissa laughed at my jokes, smiled, played with her hair.. and I don't know.. On the drive home, that optimistic feeling I had faded and Gina came back into my mind.
Again.
Amy.. Melissa... Libby.. Three dates in a week.
And I still can't stop thinking of this one girl that I fucked up with.
The one girl that I most want to be with,
And.. I have to give her those tickets.. I'll have to wait a month, at least, just.. to.. I don't know. Maybe to let things settle down.
My heart feels so heavy right now. But.. it somehow also feels really light. Like, I'm not quite burdened.. but I am. I don't understand it. Its not that I have an irrational obsession with Gina, but it feels like a rational one. It feels like I can't give up on her. I can't stop trying. But I have to.. she doesn't want me to message her, to text, to call, or to leave anything at her house.
The only hope I have right now, is that I can still mail her something.
I know, how stupid is it for me to hold onto a loophole. I said I wouldn't do any of those things she told me not to, but she didn't mention mail...
If I do that, I'm going to have to do it right.
A month from now, I'm going to send her those tickets.. and... I don't know what to say when I do.
I'm toying with this right now, as an email, since I'm going to have to email her...
Carolyn,
Hi. These were supposed to be a surprise for you. I apologize for having contacted you again, but I hope enough time has passed that whatever hostility you felt towards me, is gone by this point.
I'm not going to use these, and I know you will appreciate going to see Dolly. I don't expect anything in return from you.
So, take Dawn, or your mom and have a great time. Just don't sing too loudly when 9 to 5 comes on :)
Or do... Live. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.
You are a wonderful human being. I have been spending my free time lately, thinking about many different things, and when it comes to that statement, I find no disagreement in making it.
You are the most wonderful woman I have ever met.
I am tempted.. sorely tempted, to spend the rest of this email going off on how great I think you are. What I liked about you. What I ..
I was going to say.. loved... about you, but that's enough. This email isn't about me, it's about you. I want you to go have a good time at this show. I don't want you to get upset that I bought you these tickets. I don't want you to be sad. I honestly, truly, absolutely think that these tickets are a bargain for my being able to know you.
I am changed now. You are responsible for my finally being able to let go of the past. I was worried (ugh, I'm making this letter about me...) that this "change" would fade, and I would go back to being careless about my life and ignorant of my future. But it's still sticking. I'm still keeping a clean house. I'm still doing things every day to improve myself. I'm still kicking myself for how I took you for granted, and I'm still sad that you broke up with me the way you did.
Anyways... That's enough. I feel ridiculous entertaining this compulsion of mine to tell you my life story, as much as I want to, so you can understand why I am the way I am and why ...
Ugh. It's really not easy cutting this letter short.
Please enjoy the show. Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I am dating again (though I don't want to). And yes...
I still love you.
Take care,
David.
That's the letter.. I guess it came out differently than I had it pictured in my head. Originally, I just wanted it to be short and to the point, but..
Man... this girl. THIS GIRL. This beautiful human being is gone from my life...
Because *I* fucked it up.
She may think that people don't change, and I understand her need to avoid conflict, which is why she broke up with me through text and ignored my messages and calls.
But I don't agree with her reasons. I just don't. Maybe I have an exceptional memory, that I can recall all of our good moments and maybe I'm too much... Too much of something.. that I can picture a future with us together.
I don't know why.. Well, I do know why I'm persisting like this..
Because she was the best girlfriend I've ever had in my life.
She was kind. Smart. Caring. Thoughtful.
Warm... She had warmth.. until that last day she didn't.. When she came to my door with these eyes.. those eyes that looked differently somehow.. as if they've lost their light.
I should've done something then. I should've stopped and asked what was wrong.
Instead, I shrugged. I didn't know what that was, but I thought she would never break up with me without us having a conversation about it first.
But she did...
She just gave up.
Out of nowhere.
I don't know what more is there to say about this... I don't ... want to forget her and to "move on" to someone else, like two of my female co-workers suggested I do. I don't want to forget the one I love. I don't want to lose hope that somehow.. maybe.. by some miracle.. she will give me a second chance..
I pray for that chance... I am living for that chance right now...
But.. I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have. I don't ..
I don't want false hope... I don't ... want to believe that a God, or some miracle will make something like this happen, only to have my faith shattered into a thousand pieces when...
when... maybe, when she gets those tickets and... says something.. I don't know what. I don't know how she will react. But I don't think the odds are good, that she will be happy.
I don't think... I don't know.. Dolly is a pretty big deal for her..
She'd love to go, for sure.
But on my account? On my tab?
Would she accept such a thing?
Should I even be doing this?
I don't know anymore.. I just.. I'm just going by.. feelings.. and not logic.. None of what I'm doing is logical, unless you look at it in a certain way. It's only logical, if I truly believe her to be the one person that I plan to marry and spend the rest of my life with.
Then it's logical. Then it makes sense... but only, if I am absolutely sure that she is that person.
I think she is.. God save me.. I really do. I've ... All I do is think about her.. I have never felt this way towards any other girlfriend I've had.. Not even Lauren.
I... When Lauren and I broke up.. It felt definitive. She brutalized my soul. She tore it to pieces, and it took so long for me to patch it back together.
With Gina.. it doesn't quite feel that way.
She didn't tear my soul.. but, she ... pierced .. I don't know.. I .. I am transformed.. I am a different man now. A responsible one.
I'm a guy that is keeping a clean house now, for fuck's sake. That has never happened.
Every day I'm doing something new...
And every day I keep thinking of her.
Over and over.
Thinking of her is like playing the same record, again and again...
And never really getting tired of it.
But... I am dating.. I am trying to fill my day with things to do.. I am not really moping..
Am I?
I am... I guess I am moping.. but ... something is different, now.
Something really has changed in me, that is making me better.
I found the courage to let go of a past that involved a lot of wasted time and carelessness.
That to me, is.. progress. Massive progress.
And all credit goes to her breaking up with me, to cause this to happen.
One of the scary thoughts that I entertain, is that through all the years I've been praying, wishing, hoping for the girl of my dreams to appear; the scary thing for me to wonder about, is if I did meet that girl. And it was her. My one chance.
Wasted. Squandered.
Gone.
I don't know about soulmates.. I have no clue... But I do know a good person, and I do know.. now.. well, at least I think I know.. What love really is.
It's... This. It's... me. It comes from me, and it doesn't need reciprocation.
It hungers for it.. But it doesn't need it. Love can exist independently inside of one person. It doesn't need another.
All love needs, is a catalyst.
And I've had my catalyst.
At the worst possible time.
AFTER we've broken up.
and.. God.. I was going to say, and no chance of ever seeing her again..
But I won't say that.. I .. don't want to say that...
I ...
I think I've said enough.
