Well, that's that. Having listened to the CD I made for Georgina, again, for what has to be dozens upon dozens of times I've been listening to it since giving it to her on Sunday; I have to say, that if this music, and those "love" letters from my ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lauren Johnson, if neither of these things could melt Georgina's heart, then I don't know what ever will.
Nothing can top what I did for her.
No one is more deserving of being with her, than I am. And the same goes for her. I am a fantastic human being. I love who I am inside, even when I have to hide it. I always have to hide it.
Those Lauren letters are a good part of the reason why.
I don't want to get too close to anyone, so that my heart won't have to suffer the fear of attempted murder towards it. For a long time, I could coast by on the mask. The fake face I wear to appease women, friends, family, co-workers and strangers on the street. A mask that looked pretty damned convincing to even the most observant of witnesses. A fascimile practically as good as the real thing.
Except, my face isn't real. Yes, it has been looked under, and my ugliness revealed, along with the beauty I feel tucked down below. The love and reverence I have for all of humanity, even if I cannot express it directly, so I do it with jokes. Smiles. A genuine interest in the going ons and whats happenings of other people's lives. Those flashes come out here and then, as convincing as can be, my disguise is only as good as how realistic it is. And to fake convincingly, means to let parts of your true self shine through, so that others can be satisfied and won't trouble to investigate any deeper.
Yeah, life is a tough gig. For me, anyways. I used to get jealous at people who seemed to have it altogether. Great wife. Happy kids. Fun or interesting job. Well off financially. Surrounded by countless friends and relatives, all who appear to genuinely love one another. I used to get jealous, then I realized, what for?
I'm a dreamer. I dream big and small. And some of my biggest dreams are among the most beautiful of images I have created inside my head. Those are the dreams that have me living inside of them, as if suddenly this world ceased to be, and I found myself on a new one. One that looked very similar to the one I left, but with me stepping into the shoes of a man who has it all. Money, love, family, respect, enjoyment, having normal hearing...
There's my mask again. And there's a long story that needs to be told, but I don't have the interest in telling it. At least not right now.
Well, guess I rambled on long enough. My heart.. my soul... is.. all hers.
Georgina's. Carolyn Georgina Clayton, has seen the depths of who I am.
And who I would be capable of becoming, should she be at my side right now. Giving me a second chance. Now that I'm no longer afraid of getting close to her, and taking down that wall I couldn't bring myself to remove. That distance between us is what's responsible for her breaking up with me. That fear of mine.
Fear that an insane woman has scarred me with for six years.
"I love you David" ... "woops, no I didn't!"
times, three. x3.
Or however many times it actually was. I have to laugh at how dumb of a comparison my mind cooked up, comparing Charlie Brown wiping out after Lucy pulled the football out from under his kick.
Oh Charlie Brown, when will you ever learn?
Well Lucy, I just learned it today actually.
I'm listening to Foreigner as I type. Yeah, listening to "the CD" again. I still somehow find new ways to listen to it. While stoned. While drunk. Half-asleep. During a hike. On the side of a road in the middle of nowhere, at night, during a storm. I tell you, I'm pretty creative at keeping this stuff fresh.
So, why am I typing on the blog right now? I don't know. It's a private blog, not a public one, and I know I'm going to be the only one reading this, so.. maybe I'm just venting. I have no audience to pander towards. I have no one other than myself, and it's best I keep myself happy, because if I can't keep myself happy, the guy I have to live with for the rest of my life; then there's no chance of ever really finding it. Y'know? Happiness rolls along in spite of whatever obstacles gets placed in front. And if the years have taught me anything, it's that its fairly painless to move on. What we see as obstacles are rarely permanent, and can often build clarity of character and soul. Tragedies can make us into better people. Not saying that I advocate everyone suffering from some moment of terrible agony, but in order to get into heaven, one must fully understand what hell actually is.
Heaven and hell are the things we make.
And for the moment, heaven and hell are both on earth.
And we are the soldiers. The ones who fight with honor, warring against the ones that fight dirty.
And cruel. Good vs Evil, no?
Nobody should ever have to worry about the afterlife and what comes next after we gasp our last breath.
Worry about what's in front of you right now.
This moment.
This silence.
Eyes moving on a page. Stopping. Then thinking. Dreaming.
That stillness.
Embrace it.
Ahem.. *cliche alert* become One, with the Universe.
Anyways, yeah. Guess that's enough writing for now. Sorry old blog, haven't posted on you in a while, glad you're still here.
Today I was getting my haircut and saw a four year old smiling and giggling in the barber's chair. His smile was contagious. Such a sweet, sweet kid.
You know who I thought of?
Cole. With that little indentation on his cheek.
And then, what I thought of after..
Kinda.. well, it made me sad. I was sad because I never got to meet Cole. I never got the chance to make him smile. Or laugh. Or give him a hug. Or be hugged in return. Or have his hair tousled with. You know.. those things that a loving dad would do for his young kids.
I was sad because I lost my chance at having that moment with Cole. And Cash. And..
Man.. typing is so hard...
Know what? I..
phew...
I'm still here.
Gonna wait for you Georgina. Carolyn. Baby doll.
I hope I get to see you soon.
