All Those Yesterdays

I forgot to write down what I think Jack's best piece of advice was:

"Don't take the time you spend with anyone, for granted."

Today would've been my dad's 73rd birthday.

Happy Birthday dad...

I love you.

Jack and the Octopus

There are times like today, where I really wonder if something is out there. Watching.

I was at Michaels, looking for a photo collage frame so that I can put my baby pictures inside and give to my mom for her 65th birthday. So, I was browsing the frame aisle and as I couldn't really find anything I liked, I began to leave when this strange guy came up to me.

"Hey," he said, holding a piece of paper in his hands.

"What's up?" I asked, noticing that it was a coupon for 50% off any regular item.

The guy told me just that, and handed it over saying that it was only good for one person per purchase. So, he had an extra. Would I want it?

"Sure, thanks!" I replied, suddenly realizing that I could go back to the aisle and looking at the really, really expensive frames now with this coupon.

So, I go back in the aisle, nope. Nothing.

Another aisle with frames, nope.

Another, no.

And then at the last one, was the guy who gave me the coupon.

"Hey, you again," he said.

"Hey, I'm looking for a collage type frame to give to my mom for her birthday, but I'm not having any luck."

"Oh, that's too bad."

And rather than write out the entire conversation, he started telling me that he was looking for frames to put his wedding photos in. I leave the aisle again, and go down a few rows. Again, I couldn't find anything I liked. Even with the 50% off coupon, so I'm making my way to leave with just a single frame for something altogether unrelated (a photo of me and my dad that I have to transfer over) and then this same guy comes up to me again. This time, he's holding one of the photo collage frames that I didn't like.

So, we got into conversation. His name was Jack, he was a welder, 56 years old and he just got married a few months ago. I gave him my congrats and asked if it was his second or...?

Turns out, this guy got married for the first time ever, at the age of 56. Plus, his wife also was unmarried her entire life. She was a 51 year old Chinese lady living in Vancouver. They were having a long-distance relationship, and she wants him to move out of Edmonton to where she was.

As we kept talking, it got really really weird. He told me he met her online, on eHarmoney. And then when he told me that he could write a book about all the bad dates and relationships he's been on, I was like, "I know! Me too!"

His father was from close to the Czech republic.

"Mine, too!" I said.

"I'm half-Polish," I tell him.

"I'm half-Polish, too." he says.

And it gets obvious, that at this point, I'm talking to the older version of myself.

"My parents got divorced when I was 10." he says.

"uh... oh man. mine, too."

"I couldn't let myself be vulnerable with women. I had a hard time trusting them."

"Me.. me too."

And so it went, we stood there in the photo aisle for over an hour, talking about love.

Love. How weird is that? How uncommon is it to be able to talk to a complete stranger, with outright honesty and trust and discuss love? Just because... just, because?

I told him about Georgina, he listened attentively and told me that if it was meant to be, then it will be. And he also told me, that he broke up with the woman that was now his wife, and that the break really helped with giving their relationship a needed perspective. He was definitely in love with her, I could tell by the way he talked. He was a very happy man.

There was so much we talked about that I don't think I can cover it all in this post. I pulled out my phone, and showed him my two favourite pictures of Gina.

This one, (he said aww)

and this, to which he said, "you both look really happy."

And.. phew.. I was.. getting kind of uncomfortable at all this, especially when I started finishing his sentences, that I had this strong urge to leave the store. It felt so weird to have this random guy come around, and give advice about relationships and online dating and how I should be feeling, and what I should be doing. Advice from someone over fifteen years older than me, with experience, who has never had a relationship last longer than six months, until he met his fiancee. And then marries her, at fifty-six years old. First marriage for both. True love.

So, I shook his hand, and he tells me to never give up, and to always keep hope. And I.. was in a daze. So much so, that I almost didn't notice the pretty cashier that was tallying up my purchases (I ended up getting two of the collage frames I didn't like). But when I looked at her arm, and saw the phone booth from Dr. Who tattooed on; my eyes lit up, and I had to strike a conversation.

"Wow, hey.. is that from Doctor Who?" I pointed.

"Yes," she shyly replies, with a smile.

"Man, thats..." I smile in return. "That's awesomely dorky."

We both laugh, I find out her name is Jessie, and we get into about who the best doctor was, and what she thought about of getting a Dalek tattoo.. and man.. it felt so nice to have this rapport with people I've never met. Had I been something of a Casanova, I would've tried to ask Jessie out. She seemed really nice. Somewhat geeky, too. But I'm not a Casanova, and I didn't say anything afterwards. I don't want to be "that" guy, who hits on women in public and find out they're married or have boyfriends.

But yeah, Jack. I'm so grateful to have stumbled across him. He even said, "I don't think it was coincidence that we both met. I never do stuff like this and talk to some stranger for an hour" So... this really makes me wonder. Is synchronicity real? Do things really happen for a reason? Was it our destiny to have met each other? Or was it just coincidence? A freak occurrence?

When I told him about how Gina broke up with me (through text), he was sympathetic and told me about how his brother, did the same thing to someone he was dating. Then we talked about the importance of keeping in touch with your partner (not by texting) and he then patiently listens to me confess all the mistakes I've made in the past, and the ones I made with Georgina.

I told him about how stressed we both were in our last month, how my job sucked having to work in the hot sun for ten hours and overtime each day, and I told him about Gina's ex, and the court case she was worrying about for weeks, and how Cash was having problems, and the stress of being a single mom that I desperately wanted to rescue her from.

 I told him how I tried so hard to be someone else, so that she wouldn't reject me and that she tried hard, to make me happy and it didn't quite work because of my scepticism that I gained from past relationships. And he agreed with all the points I was making, and gave his approval to the "plan" I came up with, to make sure my next relationship will succeed.

Even though he was helping me with a lot of my issues, I think I gave him good advice on one of his own. When he was telling me about how reserved and emotionally withdrawn his wife is, he told me that she said it was because of her culture, of being Chinese and that her family was the same way. That people are normally restrained and hesitant to express themselves. He didn't agree with her at all about that, until I pointed out that the scars of his parents divorce at 10, carried itself all the way with him up until he met his wife. So her cultural attitude about being hesitant about expressing emotion, is exactly the same sort of place where his hesitation came from his parent's divorce.

It's so crazy how the past defines us. Something we do or experience early in life, can carry itself a long ways in how we perceive the world. Even if it might be the wrong type of world, we're perceiving. I know I was carrying years of bullshit and baggage left on me by other women, that I couldn't believe there was any good people left in this world.

"Have faith, don't give up," Jack said, near the end of our conversation. "I hope I gave you something useful."

"You have Jack, thank you so much."

And off we went. Retreating from our little bubble back into the outside world. A world that seems so mysterious and strange, that it enabled us to have met that day. At that time. In a type of store that only overweight white women seem to frequent. It was so great to discuss these things. With minds and experiences so similar to one another. It was like two twins on similar paths in life, stopping to have a chat about their progress. I loved it.

Well, it's a good thing I wrote this down. I don't always run to the blog every time something happens, so there are some stories in mind of similar coincidences like this one that has happened to me in life. But I never bothered to mention them.

His name was Jack. That's hilarious. Especially since the main character of the last book I wrote, is named Jack.

But that's probably just a coincidence.

Seven

I figured out #7.

#7 - Stop wasting energy, on worrying about how you appear to others. This is such an important lesson I've learned from dating Carolyn. I realize now, that I was wasting so much valuable time and energy on making sure that I looked "good" to her. That I didn't come across as this sometimes klutzy guy, who spends a little too long brushing his teeth, likes to go for random drives and spends time sitting around outside looking at the sky and taking in the ambience. I couldn't really be that guy I actually am, with her. I was too worried she wouldn't appreciate or respect those qualities of mine. That she would find them "weird" or "strange", and that I would start to look less attractive to her than if I was completely myself, whenever she was around.

This is such an important lesson. Man.. I knew the second I thought of this, that I had to run to the laptop and start posting. I didn't want to wake up in the morning having forgotten any of this. I was doing exactly this, in my most "successful" relationships. Ironically, I had no idea I was doing it, and worse still, I was only doing it, with women that I did not have strong feelings for.

Women that I didn't have to worry around. About how good I looked, or how nice I was, or how thoughtful, considerate, attentive, smart, funny I was. I was just me. I stopped worrying about how I presented myself, and then an odd thing begins to happen.

They started getting really attached. The ones that I don't want to be with.

Like Gynger, like Kim. Elizabeth. Penelope. Any of those girls, would easily have gone into a multi-year relationship with me. I mean, Gynger proved it by putting up with me for over a year before I had to break it off with her because of Gina. Even though I had told her repeatedly that we weren't a boyfriend/girlfriend kind of deal.

My God.. this is a revelation to me. I *get* it now. No wonder the relationships where I worry so much about the person leaving, are the ones that fail the hardest.

Lauren. Amy. Leah. Georgina.

I get my mistake now.

But.. it's not easy being the best of who I can be. There are days when I really don't want to talk to anyone. Or to be with my partner. But I can't tell them that. I can't say, "leave me alone right now" and expect them to understand. I can't expect them to know, not to take it personally, and that I need my space. Not all too often, but some of the time. Randomly.

With my "successful" relationships, I took that time I needed. When I needed it. Somehow there was an understanding that passed between my partner and I. She knew I wasn't texting, because of this need of mine. She knew that I turned her offer down to come by, because of a silent understanding that existed between the two of us. And those girls were rarely offended by my actions. They always wanted to see me, and we barely even texted/talked on the phone.

Maybe, I underestimated Gina's ability to be capable of doing the same thing that those girls did. To actually understand, and not be angry or confused if I don't want to talk to her for a day, or two, or three. She can still text or call me, and I'll answer, but I would have to make it clear what I'm up to, if I am chasing these moods of mine.

I remember trying to tell her this once, about how I needed time to myself. Sometimes an entire day. Which meant no texting or calling or visiting. She replied saying that she would be "sad" and that I would have to let her know when I plan on going off the radar. But, I can't plan for these kind of moments. They just appear. I can't tell her that I need all of Sunday off, and it's a Friday. I can't plan ahead that way. I don't know when the moment will strike, and I kind of have a duty to be able to respond to it.

I mean, that's where my creativity comes from. My observations. My sense of humor. My objectivity. My empathy. Probably other things, too. My imagination, also.

If I moved in with her, it would be so different. We'd get to talk everyday. I'll always be there for her, in the night, on the weekends. I'll always be sleeping in the same bed as her, at the end of the day. There wouldn't be much of a need at all for me to text, or call her on the phone and ask how she's doing. I'd be able to do that in person, which is far better, and frees up more time for myself. Even if her kids are demanding attention, I could easily have taken the burden off of her by giving her every second day off so she could have time to herself, while I make lunches for the kids, help them with their school work, and play around while she takes a bath, or goes off to the mall, or maybe decides to have a walk alone in the park. And I'd get to have the same thing, the next day. And we'd always end up in bed together. There would be no concern about my not having texted or called or somehow abandoned her.

Man... I wished I pushed things faster in that direction while we were together. That's the solution. I remember thinking this same thing, when she stood in my kitchen that one time telling me how she hated making lunches, and how little free time she has in the evenings to herself. I remember the first thought that came to mind. That we had to move in together. But all I could do at the time, was laugh inwardly at myself because we were only a few months into the relationship, and it was much too soon to be considering something like that.

But maybe I should have spoken my mind, and made that suggestion. I don't know. It probably wouldn't have made much of a difference in the end.

Anyways, I get it now... I so get it.

rule #7 - honor yourself above all others

I can't think of a better way to sum it up.

Back to bed I go. Zzz.

Counting Red Cars

When I was small, actually, when I was big too, I used to fantasize about weird things. In the classroom, bored out of my mind, I would imagine myself jumping headfirst out the window, feeling the shatter of the glass, the gasp of my classmates, and then landing on my feet to look up with a grin.

As I got older, I fantasized about other things not nearly as reckless. At 19, still a virgin, never had a girlfriend, I began to fantasize about one. This was in NAIT during the time I was taking Graphic Communications, and I started picturing this one girl in my class, who I thought I had the best chance in making into my girlfriend. This wasn't easy, nor was this something that kind of already was going in that direction (her being my girlfriend) as we haven't exchanged so much as a word to each other at this point.

I was fantasizing for this girl in particular, only because I thought it was possible. She was average. Blond. Kind of uptight. There was nothing exceptional or interesting about who she was. At this point, it might have been two months into the course, so we were familiar with each other.

So, in my apartment, in Stony Plain, I began to visualize her being with me. My arms around her, my lips on hers, holding her hand. When I was 14, one of the books that changed my life was "The Amazing Laws of Cosmic Mind Power" by Dr. Joseph Murphy. It was the sequel to the famous, "The Power of the Subconcious Mind" that went onto become a bestseller and I had no idea what I was in for.

As a child, I loved the weird stuff. The mysteries. Ghosts. Angels. UFOs. Bigfoot. The Loch Ness Monster. Psychics. Nostradamus. Witchcraft. I loved all of the weird and the wonderful and the esoteric, and I still do.

I still remember the day I found this particular book. I was in a bookstore in the mall, checking out the New Age section where it caught my eye. I flipped through it, thought it was interesting enough, and took it home to read.

During this time, I was in Junior High and was failing math, HARD. It was my worst subject. I just didn't like any of it. My marks were in the dismal 30/40/50 percent range as far as tests went. So, I was put in with a tutor, a very pretty high schooler named Bobbie.

Bobbie was blond, possibly with blue eyes, and we would meet every day after school in the library to work on my math.

Despite how attractive she was, I still didn't enjoy going to these lessons. I felt bad enough being a loser that needed a tutor, and it didn't register in my mind to actually try and learn what Bobbie, and my teachers tried to teach me. I didn't like math, end of story. It just wasn't something that a right-brained, daydreamer who loved abstract concepts could ever feel comfortable about becoming proficient in. Math just wasn't for me. I wanted to go home after school and read, or play video games. I did not want to spend an hour sitting at a table, doing even more math than I already have been doing earlier in the day.

Anyways, back to the book. As I read it, I became excited. It promised that with the power of visualization and faith, that you can pretty much have anything you can imagine. Like magic. The book was filled with anecdotes about women finding the men of their dreams and getting married, or poor people who suddenly have an unexpected amount of wealth enter their lives. There was stories of people overcoming debilitating health conditions, diseases, even in one particular example, death itself by way of hanging (in this example, the platform that was supposed to drop the victim down, would not budge, all due to the apparent power of his mind).

Well, I was eager about trying the techniques Dr. Murphy wrote about, so I did. But I wasn't looking for money, for love, or for anything other than to just not have to do math after school each day.

So, what did I do? I decided to spend the next day, thinking that Bobbie would get sick and cancel our appointment.

I focused on hearing the words of the secretary at the front desk: "Sorry David, Bobbie is not in today." and I visualized her coughing, or sneezing or whatever (temporary) illness I wished on her. I didn't pay much attention to any of the lessons that day, I focused exclusively on this one thing. That I didn't have to be tutored after school, because Bobbie was sick.

Well, 3pm comes around and Bobbie is not there. Yes, the secretary had told me. Bobbie is sick.

I was elated. I know.. What a dumb thing for a kid to do. To wish sickness on someone, but I didn't have bad intentions. I only thought that this was the easiest, and most likely way that I wouldn't have to do math after school, and it was. And it happened. I actually never saw Bobbie again after that. The tutoring was over. I still don't know why, and I hope it was nothing serious.

I experimented with it one more time, a few years later in high school where I imagined myself to be charming and sexy to all the ladies. I actually was a loser with low self-esteem that girls only gave a polite hi towards. I was shy, awkward, ashamed of having pimples, ashamed of having few friends; so I tried those techniques again.

Same ideas, but I did it at night.

The next day, I started "feeling" charming. Sexy. Funny. Witty. I completely was able to reverse those negative feelings I had about myself, and the new pants my mother had bought me (major upgrade from MC Hammer pants. I'm talking real jeans here!) had given me an added boost.

What happened at school? Girls were talking to me. One of them said for me to turn around so she could see my back, which actually was my butt, since the girls started giggling once I turned. No, I didn't have a kick me sign taped on. Smiling, giggling girls that whole day.

I... was floored. Holy crap. This stuff works.

But for whatever reason, I didn't pursue it. I thought the visualization exercises were too much work for too little payoff. I wasn't desperate to have a girlfriend in high school. I never beat myself up about it.

Until I was 19, of course. Which is back to where this story began.

The girl I focused on this time, was Michelle. Again, there was no prior indication that she had any interest in me, and again, we had not exchanged any words.

And again, these damned techniques worked.

She started looking at me more frequently in class. She was walking by my field of vision more often. She started making eye contact, and smiling.

And what did I do? I ran away. Heh. Every time I would see her start to walk in my direction, in the hallway or during lunch; I would catch her eye, and then leave.

So, somehow through all this, she managed to corner me at some point. I don't remember what was said, but I remember asking if she liked mixed tapes, and because I was making a mixed tape with my friend Shane, it was a good opportunity to make her an extra copy to listen to.

It was an alright mix, nothing special. I think I had Nine Inch Nails on there, and a bunch of punk rock. I'm pretty sure she didn't listen to any of that sort of music anyways.

Well, she lived in Stony Plain and I had an apartment, so...

Why don't you come by and pick it up? I said.

She did. She called me one night and asked if she could come. I was like, "YES!" and chased my friend Shane out who thought he was going to be hanging out with us. Nope! Not today buddy. Sorry. And then I picked up a broom and started sweeping him out the door. That last part was made up, heh.

So she came by, wearing this TIGHT white tshirt. And one thing lead to another and we kissed during one of my favourite films. The Monster Squad.

Then we got into a relationship.

So, these techniques of visualizing your ideal outcome seemed to work for me back then. There were times when I decided to push my luck, and tried visualizing being a lottery winner. Nope. Didn't happen. And I think I got discouraged enough by it that I stopped trying.

And this leads into today, as I think of Gina.

I'm not saying that I have been using these techniques (that was such a long tangent), but I have been fantasizing about her.

Yesterday, while walking down the stairs and past my front door, I imagined her walking up my steps with that smile of hers. It only lasted a second or two, but the visual was so clear.. so sharp.. that it actually made me hold my breath for a moment.

And then today, I imagined what it would be like if we got back together and I was able to meet her friends and family.

I thought about Dawn, imagining myself walking up with an outstretched hand and saying, "It's so good to finally meet you Dawn." and then her mom, "thank you for creating such a wonderful human being, Miss Clayton."

And then her kids.. Well, I didn't fantasize really about meeting Cash and Cole, but I thought about what it would be like to hang out with them. Flying a kite on a windy day. Having Cole ride on my shoulders as we walk around. Being silly with Cash. Feeling one of her kids hug my leg.

And then.. man.. that feeling comes back. The feeling that it's not going to happen. So, I can't keep feeding myself false hope, but I still feed my imagination... I don't know if these two things are mutually exclusive, or what, but I enjoy imagining these things. Fleshing out the details. Living in this fake world inside of my head, where I am supremely happy and at peace with myself.

A world that I am loved by Georgina in. A world that I become the man that she deserves, and desires.

Basically, a world that doesn't exist.

I don't know why I keep thinking these things. I still have a month to go before I have to give her those tickets. I don't think she's going to .. well, I honestly don't know what is going to happen. So, I can't say or predict anything.

But I do like my dreams. I dream of coming home from work to a home with Gina and the kids in it. I dream of being in the backyard, flipping hot dogs on the grill for the boys, while my lady is in the kitchen making iced tea in a big pitcher. I dream of flying a kite with them, I dream of their smiles, I dream of the "I love you David" that one of the kids will tell me the same way my little sister Sam told me, when she was close to their age.

When I told my mother that Gina broke up with me, she tried to reassure me by saying, "you know, maybe it's better for you not to raise someone else's kids." and I got defensive at her saying that. I told her that I wouldn't mind. I honestly would not mind raising her kids, as long as I was with her. I reminded her that she met my stepdad when I was 14, and that she was a single mother at the time. The advice she was giving me did not match up with the reality of how her life went. After telling her this, she nodded and agreed with me. Asking if I was "sure" that I wanted to raise someone else's children and I said yes. I love kids. I didn't think of this while I was with Gina. I was too scared. Too skeptical of her. I didn't want to show off my vulnerable side, and I didn't want to offend her somehow. Which sucked.. because if anything, I am at my best, when I am happy and authentically myself. Not when I'm on "guard" against letting something stupid come out of my mouth or worried about making sure the relationship doesn't fail. Or when I'm afraid of this woman suddenly turning into someone that she is not, like Cassandra was when we first met.

I have to discuss Cass for a bit in this blog, just because I looked over some of my entries last night and found that I have not said as much about my life as I should have. On here. I didn't write about how Cass and I were at the flea market one time, and she got upset at me wanting her to buy me a piece of candy for a dollar, that she was already buying for herself. She blurted out, "I'm not paying for your shit!" right there next to the lady that was selling these things.

I'm still angry thinking about Cass. That's just one example. The other was her buying coffee for herself after we saw Force Awakens (tickets that *I* paid for), and when I asked if she could get me one, she said the same damned line.

"I ain't paying for your shit!"

I almost left that place. I should've. I should have walked out and left. Since she didn't have a car, she could spend the rest of the evening on a bus or in a cab thinking about what she said.

But she saw the look on my face, and her voice lowered, and then she changed her mind and asked if I wanted one. I said no, but she persisted until I got one. Whatever. The damage was done.

This is after I had bought her coffee countless times as I drove to her place each week. After I had paid for meals. After I kept driving her, here and there, like an idiot.

She was the last real relationship I had before meeting Georgina, and she was really nice to me in that first month we had together.

Until she wasn't. And I was half-expecting the same thing to happen again with Gina. And it did.

I really need to write more. I need to keep blogging. I should put up the emails Cass and I exchanged. I should've described the early parts of my relationships more and chronicle it in detail. Everything I've written about on here, feels incomplete in some way or another. Major events, too, have not all been accounted for. I guess, I don't know.. maybe I'm just ashamed to put it all on paper. There's so much left unsaid.

Today I wrote a new chapter for my book that I am completely thrilled about. I managed to surprise even myself, writing in this great "twist" that appears halfway through.

But I have no one to share it with. Not Gina. Not Gynger. Not Justin. Not my family.

I don't want to share the vulnerable part of myself to just anyone. That includes this book. I know Justin would love it, as he had read the NaNoWriMo one I did, but I don't want him to read this. Not until it's finished, at least.

I don't want to be skeptical about relationships either, but I can't help it. I can't help but think that women lie at first, that they pretend to be happy, and then when I least expect it, they pull something like Cass did. Or Lauren. Or Amy. Or Leah.

Or Gina.

I don't know what to do about this. I don't want to be cynical and apprehensive. I want to be the best person I can be, and I keep failing. Maybe because I want to be cynical and apprehensive. Fearful. Skeptical. It's the only way to keep myself from falling apart in case things don't work out.

Or maybe, I just need to find someone that I can absolutely trust and feel secure with.

I know that right now, I have zero interest in being on any of those dating sites. OkCupid. Plenty of Fish. Eharmony. No thanks. I'm just not interested. I don't care if Amy, or Melissa, or Libby calls back. I don't care about the messages I'm getting on my phone from those places.

I had one yesterday, that made me cringe. Someone sent me a "hows it going?" and the picture and the profile of her..

Man... I can't do it. I can't fake it anymore. All I can do is wait for some kind of answer to come.

Whatever that will end up being.

I might someday laugh at all this. Or I might cry.

I'll just have to wait and see.

Failure.

Well, date #3 ended tonight. It was with a girl named Melissa. 32, has a dog, lives in a condo, works in human resources for an inspection company. Doesn't have a favourite food, loves the Downtown Diner in the Fort. She broke up with her last boyfriend because he stopped texting/seeing her due to some issues he was having with his job, and they drifted apart.

I couldn't help but realize that this is what Gina would be saying about me to someone else. It wasn't for the exact same reason that Melissa broke up with her ex, but it felt eerily similiar, in that I allowed the stress of my job to overcome how important Gina was to me at the time. I started taking her for granted. I didn't "feel" as strongly towards her as I did before, and as I do now. I..

Man.. a part of me is screaming, "I FAILED" just like it has been screaming at me every day since the day Gina broke up with me. Every day, I am reminded of her somehow. A red car on the street. Something she said. Something we did. Something I wish I could have done. Something I'm experiencing that I wish I could share with her.

Words I want to say. Kisses I want to give. Hugs. Hand holding.. Touching..

And.. I looked at her pictures today, and ..

I have these Dolly Parton tickets I paid 288$ each for. Tickets that I want her to have, but have no idea how to give them to her, because they are stupid "e-tickets" that use a QR code on a mobile phone for entry. I can't just mail them to her, I'd have to transfer it over to her email address and hope she doesn't get mad at me for having bought them.

I love that woman.. I LOVE HER.

I am still thinking of her everyday.

When I was with Melissa tonight, I thought she was really cute, and I forgot about Gina for a little while. I didn't use her for comparison, and Melissa laughed at my jokes, smiled, played with her hair.. and I don't know.. On the drive home, that optimistic feeling I had faded and Gina came back into my mind.

Again.

Amy.. Melissa... Libby.. Three dates in a week.

And I still can't stop thinking of this one girl that I fucked up with.

The one girl that I most want to be with,

And.. I have to give her those tickets.. I'll have to wait a month, at least, just.. to.. I don't know. Maybe to let things settle down.

My heart feels so heavy right now. But.. it somehow also feels really light. Like, I'm not quite burdened.. but I am. I don't understand it. Its not that I have an irrational obsession with Gina, but it feels like a rational one. It feels like I can't give up on her. I can't stop trying. But I have to.. she doesn't want me to message her, to text, to call, or to leave anything at her house.

The only hope I have right now, is that I can still mail her something.

I know, how stupid is it for me to hold onto a loophole. I said I wouldn't do any of those things she told me not to, but she didn't mention mail...

If I do that, I'm going to have to do it right.

A month from now, I'm going to send her those tickets.. and... I don't know what to say when I do.

I'm toying with this right now, as an email, since I'm going to have to email her...

Carolyn,

Hi. These were supposed to be a surprise for you. I apologize for having contacted you again, but I hope enough time has passed that whatever hostility you felt towards me, is gone by this point.

I'm not going to use these, and I know you will appreciate going to see Dolly. I don't expect anything in return from you.

So, take Dawn, or your mom and have a great time. Just don't sing too loudly when 9 to 5 comes on :)

Or do... Live. Enjoy yourself. You deserve it.

You are a wonderful human being. I have been spending my free time lately, thinking about many different things, and when it comes to that statement, I find no disagreement in making it.

You are the most wonderful woman I have ever met.

I am tempted.. sorely tempted, to spend the rest of this email going off on how great I think you are. What I liked about you. What I ..

I was going to say.. loved... about you, but that's enough. This email isn't about me, it's about you. I want you to go have a good time at this show. I don't want you to get upset that I bought you these tickets. I don't want you to be sad. I honestly, truly, absolutely think that these tickets are a bargain for my being able to know you.

I am changed now. You are responsible for my finally being able to let go of the past. I was worried (ugh, I'm making this letter about me...) that this "change" would fade, and I would go back to being careless about my life and ignorant of my future. But it's still sticking. I'm still keeping a clean house. I'm still doing things every day to improve myself. I'm still kicking myself for how I took you for granted, and I'm still sad that you broke up with me the way you did.

Anyways... That's enough. I feel ridiculous entertaining this compulsion of mine to tell you my life story, as much as I want to, so you can understand why I am the way I am and why ...

Ugh. It's really not easy cutting this letter short.

Please enjoy the show. Yes, I still miss you. Yes, I am dating again (though I don't want to). And yes...

I still love you.

Take care,


David.

That's the letter.. I guess it came out differently than I had it pictured in my head. Originally, I just wanted it to be short and to the point, but..

Man... this girl. THIS GIRL. This beautiful human being is gone from my life...

Because *I* fucked it up.

She may think that people don't change, and I understand her need to avoid conflict, which is why she broke up with me through text and ignored my messages and calls.

But I don't agree with her reasons. I just don't. Maybe I have an exceptional memory, that I can recall all of our good moments and maybe I'm too much... Too much of something.. that I can picture a future with us together.

I don't know why.. Well, I do know why I'm persisting like this..

Because she was the best girlfriend I've ever had in my life.

She was kind. Smart. Caring. Thoughtful.

Warm... She had warmth.. until that last day she didn't.. When she came to my door with these eyes.. those eyes that looked differently somehow.. as if they've lost their light.

I should've done something then. I should've stopped and asked what was wrong.

Instead, I shrugged. I didn't know what that was, but I thought she would never break up with me without us having a conversation about it first.

But she did...

She just gave up.

Out of nowhere.

I don't know what more is there to say about this... I don't ... want to forget her and to "move on" to someone else, like two of my female co-workers suggested I do. I don't want to forget the one I love. I don't want to lose hope that somehow.. maybe.. by some miracle.. she will give me a second chance..

I pray for that chance... I am living for that chance right now...

But.. I don't want to hurt myself anymore than I already have. I don't ..

I don't want false hope... I don't ... want to believe that a God, or some miracle will make something like this happen, only to have my faith shattered into a thousand pieces when...

when... maybe, when she gets those tickets and... says something.. I don't know what. I don't know how she will react. But I don't think the odds are good, that she will be happy.

I don't think... I don't know.. Dolly is a pretty big deal for her..

She'd love to go, for sure.

But on my account? On my tab?

Would she accept such a thing?

Should I even be doing this?

I don't know anymore.. I just.. I'm just going by.. feelings.. and not logic.. None of what I'm doing is logical, unless you look at it in a certain way. It's only logical, if I truly believe her to be the one person that I plan to marry and spend the rest of my life with.

Then it's logical. Then it makes sense... but only, if I am absolutely sure that she is that person.

I think she is.. God save me.. I really do. I've ... All I do is think about her.. I have never felt this way towards any other girlfriend I've had.. Not even Lauren.

I... When Lauren and I broke up.. It felt definitive. She brutalized my soul. She tore it to pieces, and it took so long for me to patch it back together.

With Gina.. it doesn't quite feel that way.

She didn't tear my soul.. but, she ... pierced .. I don't know.. I .. I am transformed.. I am a different man now. A responsible one.

I'm a guy that is keeping a clean house now, for fuck's sake. That has never happened.

Every day I'm doing something new...

And every day I keep thinking of her.

Over and over.

Thinking of her is like playing the same record, again and again...

And never really getting tired of it.

But... I am dating.. I am trying to fill my day with things to do.. I am not really moping..

Am I?

I am... I guess I am moping.. but ... something is different, now.

Something really has changed in me, that is making me better.

I found the courage to let go of a past that involved a lot of wasted time and carelessness.

That to me, is.. progress. Massive progress.

And all credit goes to her breaking up with me, to cause this to happen.

One of the scary thoughts that I entertain, is that through all the years I've been praying, wishing, hoping for the girl of my dreams to appear; the scary thing for me to wonder about, is if I did meet that girl. And it was her. My one chance.

Wasted. Squandered.

Gone.

I don't know about soulmates.. I have no clue... But I do know a good person, and I do know.. now.. well, at least I think I know.. What love really is.

It's... This. It's... me. It comes from me, and it doesn't need reciprocation.

It hungers for it.. But it doesn't need it. Love can exist independently inside of one person. It doesn't need another.

All love needs, is a catalyst.

And I've had my catalyst.

At the worst possible time.

AFTER we've broken up.

and.. God.. I was going to say, and no chance of ever seeing her again..

But I won't say that.. I .. don't want to say that...

I ...

I think I've said enough.

An Encore

I am such a fucking idiot.

Why? Because I read my earlier posts. About Leah, about Amy.

And I'm saying the same stupid fucking things almost, that I said about Gina.

"One of a kind"
"This is really love"
"I never felt anything like this before.."
"I'm trying, I'm really trying."

Wow.. what am I? Who am I? I claim to be learning from my mistakes, and yet I overlook those two girls? And I couldn't "fix" my mistakes with Gina, for some reason? I couldn't have put my experience to use?

See, this is why history is so important. It reminds us of things that should not be forgotten. This is why I still keep pictures of these exes, and why I still have Lauren's letters.

I am repetitive. I am going through the same bullshit now as I have been five years ago. I didn't love Leah, not even close. I didn't love Amy, fuck her.

But, Gina.. dammit. I mean.. I was scared. I didn't open up to her... not in the same way I opened up to Lauren, or Leah, or Amy.. That was the mistake I made this.. no, that was ANOTHER mistake I've made that I didn't learn from. I opened up with Leah, and it didn't do me any good. Wait a minute.. maybe I have learned from my mistake.. I didn't open up with Gina, because of what happened in the past.

I am such a fascinating subject to probe into. I'm so lucky to have a mind like my own and a soul that has had the experiences it has.

I'm a goddamn resevioir. If I ever can spell that word correctly.

My soul is RICH. For all of its scars, it still shines. It still surprises me with its depth, and character and kindness and faith.

I'm not depressed over Georgina, I'm terribly sad, yes, but not depressed.

I wonder why... No, really. The breakup should have destroyed me more than Leah/Amy already did.

But it didn't.

I'm now thinking, that all those shitty relationships, all those bad moments, are preparing me for something great. I would not have appreciated Georgina as much if I had never dated Lauren, for example. I would not have appreciated her, if I didn't date as many women as I have. I would not be able to recognize her worth, really, or consider her as someone I'd want to spend the rest of my life with.

The past has molded me, is still molding me. For every step backwards, I seem to take a half-step forward. And then 3/4 of a step, until finally I'm going forward and I'm in this new... paradigm.. or, experience where my faith is again tested and then.. well, I don't know if this is really true or not, but it then feels rewarded. If Lauren and I didn't break up, and we got married and I ended up having a shitty life and then a divorce, that would be so much worse for me than to simply break up after six months. SO MUCH WORSE. I'd be devastated with a divorce. Especially if there are kids involved. And then paying child support, and possibly alimony... picking up my kids on the weekend, while Lauren fucks some other guy.

Hell, no. I like THIS way better. I kind of am the star of my own Groundhog Day film.

I feel like I'm moving, again. Forward. Slowly, but surely. A tortoise following an invisible carrot on a long stick. But inevitably, I get to eat that thing. Even if it's just a little, I still get a prize.

But.. I don't like thinking that I'm going to find someone better than Gina. I.. have a hard time right now imagining it, and knowing what the past six years.. Hell, my whole life has been up to this point and the women I involved myself with.

Georgina was the best of the bunch.

No exaggeration. I won't be reading this post a year from now thinking otherwise. I'm pretty sure of it.

Carolyn Georgina Clayton is the love of my life.

When I say that out loud, it doesn't feel like anything but the truth. And I have been saying it every day now, since our breakup, it seems.

Every day.

I know I won't be with her. I have no way of seeing her. I'm not going to stalk her, I'm not going to annoy her.

But, I'm going to keep loving her.

I know what the past is like.

I know what kind of person she is. For the most part.

I know she's kind, generous, giving, gentle and good.

At least that's what I think I know.. but she was the one who broke up through text and then said, "well, texting is your preferred means of communication..." as a reason as to why she did it like that to me, well... that's.. cruel. I don't know what to make of this one thing, though. Was it actually cruelty at the time to her? Did she really want to break up with me through text, because she thought thats the method I preferred, was it done out of cowardice, or did she do it out of spite?

If it's spite...

I don't think it is. But again, she did ignore all my messages and got angry at me for trying to figure out what exactly went wrong, which she can only explain as.. well, it doesn't matter. I covered that already.

Anyways...

I should fix my pictures on this blog. Looks like a lot of them have gone missing.

Remember

Oh God...

I'm still thinking about her. I thought about her today while I was at Elk Island Park, walking around alone, enjoying the awesome weather and the setting and people on canoes.. and me thinking that I would've loved to take her with me on a canoe, and..

Oh, God...

Then, a few weeks ago when I told some women at work that I was broken up with, and through text, they were super sympathetic. One even made a (?) joke about her being single and available and that the best way for me to forget someone, is to get with someone new.

Well, I reactivated my OkCupid account a few days ago, and..

God...

I'd almost forgotten how much I hated it. I HATE IT. Online dating.. You can't.. I don't want to even get into details, because somehow I'm going to dignify the idea of dating online by doing so, so fuck that. Online dating sucks. There. End of discussion.

So, I get messaged by some girl. She's okay looking, but all she says is "hi". And then I look at her profile, and the damned thing is EMPTY. She wasn't a bot or anything like that, because she "liked" me in this Quickmatch thing that I also happened to "like" her in, so she messaged me. It was a real person.

But, yeah. All she said was "hi" .. followed by me looking at a blanker than blank profile with NOTHING in it. Not like she was brand new either, I don't think. And so I write back with:

"Hello. That's quite an empty profile you've got."

Then she says how "she knows" but that I could ask her "anything".

What laziness.

So I humor her, thinking that already she's not my type and that I may as well probe her for something that could benefit me. So I asked her what did she like most about my profile. Presumably, because that is what she read before deciding to contact me. Unless she really only did go off of the photos...

Anyways, I ask her what did she like most about my profile?

She writes back with, "well it's interesting."

Message one.

Message two, was "getting to know u."

(closes OkCupid App)

(cries when I start remembering how perfect Georgina was)

I'm sitting in this bathtub, a grown ass man with his head in his hands and these little tears dribbling out the side of my eyes. My phone vibrates, and it's a text from this girl I agreed to meet with on Sunday.

HER TEXTS ARE BORING.

Her name is Libby, and .. I didn't think much of her at first, but she had some sort of real depth to her, and when she sent me a link to her blog, her posts had a tremendous amount of depth. There was a real soul and heart to this woman. Plus, she was a writer. And a good one too!

But man, her texts.. is just like that girl saying "hi". I have to continually ask questions and keep the "conversation" moving along. All she does is answer them with one sentence, and maybe a LOL or a smiley face, and then wait for me to respond to her NOTHING answer. I'm not a colour commentator. I don't follow "your" action with clever witticisms and thoughts. A CONVERSATION IS NOT HAVING YOUR EGO GETTING ITSELF MASSAGED BY SOMEONE WHO RESENTS DOING IT.

I am NOT here to prop women up. To fix them. To appease them. To overlook the glaring flaws that they have so little self-respect and faith in themselves, that they cannot even bother to try fixing. Or even noticing. Careless, spoiled, entitled, self-centered...

BITCHES.

There. That felt good. I don't swear often, and I held off on saying "cunts" but BITCHES, felt good. Really good.

Not that Libby is a bitch, but most women. Most women on DATING SITES are BITCHES.

The sad part? They're bitches, or boring, or shallow, because OF US.

MEN.

And men are the ones who .. Geez, WHAT A STUPID FUCKING CYCLE.

Women try to do what they think "men" want from them. Pretty, DTF, big tits or ass or whatever.. makeup all over themselves, lipstick, clothes.. they all do these things to get "men".

And what do men do?

We work out. Or we work, and make a ton of money. We provide both protection and security. We're leaders. Risk-takers. Loyal. Honourable. Family-first. That sort of thing.

That sort of thing that women want, I mean.

But what are guys actually looking for?

It's not casual sex. Hell yeah we love sex, but fucking some girl that we don't have feelings for is something on par with inflating up a love doll, or paying some hooker to blow you in an empty parking lot someplace. WE DON'T CARE how we blow our loads. We just NEED to.

And that's part of the problem we have. Our crazy ass testosterone clouds rational thought when it comes to a good looking gal. And women know this, hence why they manipulate themselves to fit that ideal image that they think men expect of them. And if they can't meet that image, then they'll find ways to compensate... Such as ugly girls fucking a guy on the first date. Or they'll be extra attentive in bed. Or they become good cooks, able to keep a clean home.. Whatever. "Ugly" women can always find a way to compensate.

So, again, what are guys actually looking for?

What are women, actually looking for?

Anyone who doesn't think that "love" is the correct answer, is an idiot.

Both genders need and want to be loved, dammit.

LOVED.

That word is so polluted nowadays, that I think its lost its meaning.

Saying it doesn't mean shit, anymore.

I love you? Who cares. Heard that before. From other people, too.

What makes YOUR "I love you" better than HIS "I love you" or HER "I love you" ??

Saying that word, doesn't mean shit.

Which is why I hated myself for telling Georgina that I loved her.. AFTER SHE BROKE UP WITH ME.

I SHOULD HAVE FALLEN IN LOVE WITH HER BEFORE IT HAPPENED.

WHEN IT WOULD HAVE MOST COUNTED.

WHEN LOVE WOULD HAVE ACTUALLY STOOD A CHANCE.

But no, I fucked it all up. I fucked it good.

So that is why as I was outside having a cigarette, after deciding to start again, that I began to think about writing down some of the important things that I have learned from being with Georgina. Mistakes come at a very steep price to me, and I am determined to pay into them as little as possible when it comes to future relationships. That is what IT IS IMPORTANT to not forget ANYTHING I've learned from any of the women I've been involved with in my life.

If history is forgotten, the same mistakes will be made over and over.

Which is something I should have said to Georgina, when she asked me why I still had letters from my ex from six years ago. And the, "why do you even have those? move on!" comment she gave me regarding it.

Well, I didn't give her a proper answer. You know, me being in a shocked and flustered mess over the phone. I didn't know she would call. I was initially elated, and hoping for a better conversation than what followed, and I couldn't keep my head straight through fighting back my tears and turning into a little girl with a skinned knee.

So here it is, the things I have learned from dating Georgina.

1. It is OKAY to get angry. LET YOUR ANGER OUT. Georgina spontaneously dumped me without warning, through text, and ignored my messages and phone calls. Then she has the nerve to get angry with ME, because I'm annoying her by leaving flowers at her house, and/or giving her that package with the CD and the letters. I should have told her this over the phone. That I HAVE MORE RIGHT TO BEING ANGRY, THAN SHE DOES. She had no right to be angry at me for the way SHE decided to break up. And then to be "angry" because I didn't go so quietly into the night like she wished I would. Tough. That's a cruel way of treating someone who cared for you. Who she had good chemistry with. Who brought her flowers every month, and tried to treat her well. Someone who gave her the best sex of her life. Someone she claimed she once thanked "God" for having met. THAT GUY IS ME and this is the dignity she left me with. The complete lack of respect and loss of faith in me as a boyfriend and prospective partner and general human being. THAT IS A GOOD REASON FOR ME TO GET ANGRY, AND IT'S OKAY TO GIVE INTO IT BECAUSE IT IS HUMAN. IT IS A NORMAL REACTION. ANGER IS MY WAY OF PROTESTING AGAINST INJUSTICE. And that is exactly what has been delivered to me, and I whimpered all over it.

2. At the 3-month mark, do whatever you can to meet her friends and family. Do not hem and haw and worry about making a good impression on her kids or to impress her mom, or get along with her friend. I should have met Cash and Cole by this point, and because I love kids, I'm pretty sure they would enjoy having me around as well. Which means that the breakup might never have happened, had I properly integrated myself into her life. And integrated her into mine. Instead, I coasted. She met my family at my father's viewing; but I did not meet a single one of hers. In almost six months. Pathetic, and I'm completely regretful.

3. Take charge. Women don't want wishy-washy men who are indecisive or constantly defer decisions to their girlfriend/wife. If I want to go to a particular place to eat, we're going there. If I think a walk in the park at this particular moment is what I most feel like doing, then we're going there. Maybe I'd want to play Super Mario World on the SNES for an hour, yep, we're doing that. Maybe I just want to lay in bed and listen to music. We're gonna do that. Women appreciate men who take charge, and although I can be one of those, I was not in a fearless mood enough to throw caution to the wind. I did not want the relationship to fail, so I kept asking, "what do you feel like doing? what do you think about going to this place?" questions, and wasted a lot of time and the excitement of being spontaneous and flying by the seat of my pants. Because deep inside, I am the adventurous type. I do like to just walk outside, barefoot, at one in the morning just to stand in the grass and look up at the moon. I like to take a different route to work, or to visit an area or restaurant that I haven't been in. I won't risk my life and limbs by bungee jumping, or parachuting out of a plane; and I won't risk my finances to travel to exotic, far-away locales, but I am adventurous. I just never trusted that about myself. But I trust that now, because I'm now trying to...

4. Stay true to yourself. Recognize your limitations. Know who you are, and who you want to be, but don't pretend to be something you are not. Not even a little bit. Because nobody can love flawlessness, it's too blinding. Too unreal. Too impossible for anyone to attain, so why pretend to be perfect? I learned from Georgina, that I was holding back my swears out of fear of offending her. Not that I enjoy swearing, but there are times when calling Dustin a "fucking idiot" would've been better than, "what a moron" when she calls to tell me about the latest dumb thing he's done. And, staying true to myself means that I can live in the moment. I don't have to be afraid of offending anyone, because I am being authentically myself. And I KNOW I am a good person. I KNOW I'm spiritual. I KNOW I am capable of loving another human being to great depths and bringing them crazy amounts of happiness and joy. I KNOW THESE THINGS and yet because of my shitty hearing problem, and because of the fear I gained after Lauren; I had to pretend that those weren't issues, when they very much were. If I was true to myself, I would mention, in the moments that mattered, those exact issues. Those fears I carry. These concerns I'm having. Not wait until when we break up. I was supposed to tell her them while we were dating. I'm just an incredibly vulnerable person, who thinks that our relationship was too good to be true, so I started acting unnaturally so as to minimize the chances of a break up. Which happened anyways, no matter how hard I tried to make sure it wouldn't. That's the key point here, that I tried HARD to make sure she wouldn't break up with me, and she did. So what does that tell me? I should have put those energies to better use. And I should have spoken up whenever something bothered me, or if I sense something is bothering her. And because of modern technology, I should've...

5. STOPPED TEXTING and START CALLING. Or at least severely curtail the texting, because there's no emotion in it. Texting and letters.. they're nice and all, but they don't carry the warmth of the voice. The emotions behind the words are assumed, rather than experienced. Over the phone, this is all possible with sound, not so with the eyes. It's much harder to paint a proper picture of how you are feeling, when having to type words, instead of speaking them. I mean sure, if you're a really good writer and can hone in on exactly the right thing to say at exactly the right times, then sure, you could probably get away with not having to call much, but you still have to call. Why? Because TEXTING IS SOULLESS. If I had not been texting so much, and calling instead, I could have made a better connection with Gina, but I didn't. I was too scared of what my impulsiveness and my hearing issues would bring. Because you can't just ignore a question or statement for a few minutes while you sit around and wonder what to text back with. You have to answer right away and you have to answer correctly without making assumptions about what exactly was said (due to the hearing). There's no time to stop and really think. Women don't want to engage with their guys on a rational level, they want that emotional connection, even though as men, we feel uneasy about making it. Talking over the phone satisfies that connection, if there is a distance, but technology... I mean, even Skype where you get video and voice.. I don't know.. I still think the phone is the absolute best way of keeping a relationship going the way it should.

6. Never stop believing. Never lose faith. Never give up on life and fall into depression over a woman. Those three things aren't really things I've "learned" from dating Carolyn, but they were reaffirmed after she broke up with me. I realized that six years ago, I thought I could never find someone as "good" as I thought Lauren was for me. I thought I was done. And for six years, I was in a dark place where I didn't respect any of the women I've dated. They were nothing to me. I took a bit of pride in making most of them out to be hypocrites, but there was no joy in doing so. Leah, who said she "loved me" even before we met, turned out to be a freak, and didn't love me at all. I mean, I know there's more examples, but whatever, not going to get into the history now. The point is, I never thought I could find someone as complementary as Lauren was, and I did, and I got more than I expected. After the fourth month, was when my mask started slipping, and the ugly stuff that I was keeping buried deep in myself, kind of peeked out at the surface. Not in a direct, surprising way, but a kind of slow revealing, like a thick cloud creeping across the sun, when you have spent all of your life up to that point, not expecting such a thing to happen. The mask can only stay up for so long, before the effort of maintaining it, becomes excruciating to bear. So.. shit, do I ramble.. I have to re-read this.. Yeah, where with Lauren I fell into a six-year abyss; with Gina, I have been raised to what I hope, is a lifetime of bliss. Because now I know what my biggest failures were. I know what mistakes to avoid. Or will try to avoid, rather, because I can't ever predict what will come at me next. But, faith.. faith and hope kind of came with Gina. The reaffirmation of it, I mean. She showed me what love could be. She showed me what my ideal girl could be. She made me believe she could love me, and spoil me, and shower me with affection and kindness and joy and surprises.. She made me believe that there IS a woman, and perhaps other women out there, that can be as kind-hearted and sweet as she is. I don't care how ugly of a breakup we've had, I still love her. And I still believe that whatever up there is responsible for me finding her, that it will bring me someone as good as her or better, if I keep myself on the right path. Maybe, and this is a glorious dream that probably will never happen, but maybe.. faith will reward me with being able to see Georgina again. I don't know. I think it's been a month since I've seen her last, so the memories are still fresh. Maybe I will feel different about Gina in a few months or a year from now. But I don't know.. we'll see if such a thing could ever happen. I don't know what could ever make her want to call or contact me again, or what I could ever do.. So, I don't know... but I do know that life is full of surprises, and I should know that something Greater than myself is up there, or around me, and watching over me. Like it's watching over the billions of other people on this planet. Many, of whom do not have a meaningful relationship with this Greater power like I have developed. I have cursed it, blessed it and ignored it, and despite all the obstacles and pains; I still get surprises from life. Some of them are strange, and they seem to come at opportune moments when I least expect them, but in hindsight, needed them most to appear at that time. So, yeah. If you are spiritual, then hold faith that there is something out there looking after things and that the whole point of being alive on this planet, is to discover happiness and a connection with the Creator. A Creator, who you may as well describe as a parent. Because that is absolutely how important such a being should be to us. How does miracles and coincidences and signs work? Who really knows, but they do. I'm pretty damned sure they do.

7. There is no number 7. Not yet. I'm wiped out after typing what feels like 3,000 words in a blog post, so I'm going to wrap it up for now and see if any new thoughts come to mind in the next few days. I still think of her every day, so I'm sure something new will come up...

(sighs) ... back to the real world I go. To texting women that have been unemployed for three years, are overweight, depressed, unattractive and expect me to fall head over heels with them.

Back I go.

Georgina

Oh my God...

I have failed so hard.

Today, I felt the compulsion to drop off a basket of flowers on Georgina's doorstep with a note saying for her to call me.

Well, she called.

And it was awful.

When I asked if she read the letters, her first reaction was to get angry. As if the things Jennifer Lauren Johnson has done to me deserved the dignity of having her letters kept private. But, Gina was angry that I shared and surprised at how long I've kept them for. She also expressed "concern" that I *could* share the correspondence we both had together.

Unbelievable. Nobody understands me.

Intentions don't seem to matter anymore.

Those letters... that whole package I left her, was supposed to be two things. An ugly confession of what an ugly woman has done to me six years ago that has scarred me to this day, and the second part of this package was the CD, which was the most incredible mix I have ever done. For anyone. It was perfect. It captured my feelings perfectly. It was touching. It was stirring...

IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

And what does Carolyn say about the CD?

"I threw it out."

She didn't even listen to it.

Oh, God... I want to believe that faith matters in this world, I really do, but stuff like this.. stuff like this makes it so damned hard.

I love Carolyn.

I think about her every day.

And now, after our long conversation with me trying desperately to hold back my tears and keeping my voice level and calm (and constantly failing).. its...

Done.

It's done.

There was.. this moment.. where I asked Gina what it was she felt with us during the first few months together.

"Oh, that was infatuation."

Infatuation.

That lead up to a breakup from out of nowhere, with little explanation why, done through text..

And oh.. God... she stuck a knife in me, regarding text.

"It's your preferred means of communication."

Oh, God...

I have FAILED.

These words can't convey it enough. I feel like my heart, my imagination, my soul, my spirit..

God.

All these things have betrayed me.

Those days I spent listening to the CD, thinking Gina was listening to it too, thinking that she will "get" me once she puts two and two together.

No more.

Nobody ever "gets" me.

I'm too damned complicated for this world, I'm too naive... and nobody can....

...

Oh, God.

I have to move on.

No matter what.

love don't keep me waiting

Well, that's that. Having listened to the CD I made for Georgina, again, for what has to be dozens upon dozens of times I've been listening to it since giving it to her on Sunday; I have to say, that if this music, and those "love" letters from my ex-girlfriend Jennifer Lauren Johnson, if neither of these things could melt Georgina's heart, then I don't know what ever will.

Nothing can top what I did for her.

No one is more deserving of being with her, than I am. And the same goes for her. I am a fantastic human being. I love who I am inside, even when I have to hide it. I always have to hide it.

Those Lauren letters are a good part of the reason why.

I don't want to get too close to anyone, so that my heart won't have to suffer the fear of attempted murder towards it. For a long time, I could coast by on the mask. The fake face I wear to appease women, friends, family, co-workers and strangers on the street. A mask that looked pretty damned convincing to even the most observant of witnesses. A fascimile practically as good as the real thing.

Except, my face isn't real. Yes, it has been looked under, and my ugliness revealed, along with the beauty I feel tucked down below. The love and reverence I have for all of humanity, even if I cannot express it directly, so I do it with jokes. Smiles. A genuine interest in the going ons and whats happenings of other people's lives. Those flashes come out here and then, as convincing as can be, my disguise is only as good as how realistic it is. And to fake convincingly, means to let parts of your true self shine through, so that others can be satisfied and won't trouble to investigate any deeper.

Yeah, life is a tough gig. For me, anyways. I used to get jealous at people who seemed to have it altogether. Great wife. Happy kids. Fun or interesting job. Well off financially. Surrounded by countless friends and relatives, all who appear to genuinely love one another. I used to get jealous, then I realized, what for?

I'm a dreamer. I dream big and small. And some of my biggest dreams are among the most beautiful of images I have created inside my head. Those are the dreams that have me living inside of them, as if suddenly this world ceased to be, and I found myself on a new one. One that looked very similar to the one I left, but with me stepping into the shoes of a man who has it all. Money, love, family, respect, enjoyment, having normal hearing...

There's my mask again. And there's a long story that needs to be told, but I don't have the interest in telling it. At least not right now.

Well, guess I rambled on long enough. My heart.. my soul... is.. all hers.

Georgina's. Carolyn Georgina Clayton, has seen the depths of who I am.

And who I would be capable of becoming, should she be at my side right now. Giving me a second chance. Now that I'm no longer afraid of getting close to her, and taking down that wall I couldn't bring myself to remove. That distance between us is what's responsible for her breaking up with me. That fear of mine.

Fear that an insane woman has scarred me with for six years.

"I love you David" ... "woops, no I didn't!"

times, three. x3.

Or however many times it actually was. I have to laugh at how dumb of a comparison my mind cooked up, comparing Charlie Brown wiping out after Lucy pulled the football out from under his kick.

Oh Charlie Brown, when will you ever learn?

Well Lucy, I just learned it today actually.

I'm listening to Foreigner as I type. Yeah, listening to "the CD" again. I still somehow find new ways to listen to it. While stoned. While drunk. Half-asleep. During a hike. On the side of a road in the middle of nowhere, at night, during a storm. I tell you, I'm pretty creative at keeping this stuff fresh.

So, why am I typing on the blog right now? I don't know. It's a private blog, not a public one, and I know I'm going to be the only one reading this, so.. maybe I'm just venting. I have no audience to pander towards. I have no one other than myself, and it's best I keep myself happy, because if I can't keep myself happy, the guy I have to live with for the rest of my life; then there's no chance of ever really finding it. Y'know? Happiness rolls along in spite of whatever obstacles gets placed in front. And  if the years have taught me anything, it's that its fairly painless to move on. What we see as obstacles are rarely permanent, and can often build clarity of character and soul. Tragedies can make us into better people. Not saying that I advocate everyone suffering from some moment of terrible agony, but in order to get into heaven, one must fully understand what hell actually is.

Heaven and hell are the things we make.

And for the moment, heaven and hell are both on earth.

And we are the soldiers. The ones who fight with honor, warring against the ones that fight dirty.

And cruel. Good vs Evil, no?

Nobody should ever have to worry about the afterlife and what comes next after we gasp our last breath.

Worry about what's in front of you right now.

This moment.

This silence.

Eyes moving on a page. Stopping. Then thinking. Dreaming.

That stillness.

Embrace it.

Ahem.. *cliche alert* become One, with the Universe.

Anyways, yeah. Guess that's enough writing for now. Sorry old blog, haven't posted on you in a while, glad you're still here.

Today I was getting my haircut and saw a four year old smiling and giggling in the barber's chair. His smile was contagious. Such a sweet, sweet kid.

You know who I thought of?

Cole. With that little indentation on his cheek.

And then, what I thought of after..

Kinda.. well, it made me sad. I was sad because I never got to meet Cole. I never got the chance to make him smile. Or laugh. Or give him a hug. Or be hugged in return. Or have his hair tousled with. You know.. those things that a loving dad would do for his young kids.

I was sad because I lost my chance at having that moment with Cole. And Cash. And..

Man.. typing is so hard...

Know what? I..

phew...

I'm still here.

Gonna wait for you Georgina. Carolyn. Baby doll.

I hope I get to see you soon.