Yesterday I dared to be different. I stepped inside of a store called "David's Tea" with a measure of trepidation and equal parts curiosity.
I mean, what the hell is this place? They sell tea? No way! So my cousin and I took tentative steps towards the front counter, where we were greeted by a *sizzle* uber hot cashier who promptly spent the next half hour bringing us all the cans of tea she could carry.
For the pleasure of our flared nostrils, of course.
As we sampled exotica ranging from "Love Potion No.9" to brands eerily named "Secret Weapon", I couldn't help but think:
Do people actually buy this stuff? Granted, some of the teas they had prompted a raised eyebrow or two, but it was when I came across "Forever Nuts" - with actual nuts - that I started to question the legitimacy of such a niche operation.
I mean really, they expect you to BOIL this? Nuts? What's keeping me from buying a bag of peanuts and just doing it myself? Why don't I mix in some lima beans and fistfuls of my pubic hair while I'm at it? The real comedy was to be had in the pricing. A hundred grams of whatever tea works out to about 11 bucks. Sheesh, you've got to be kidding me. There must have been a few dozen oddities, including one containing popcorn and another that smelled suspiciously like a Japanese vagina (not that I would know, of course).
As I pondered and pontificated and unabashedly flirted with the cashier; I couldn't help but ask:
"Do you have anything meat flavoured?"
I love the pause that people often react with, and the deer in headlights look on their faces. My timing was superb, my delivery .. impeccable. She stammered, then laughed once she figured out that I wasn't being serious.
Sadly, the cashier didn't jump the counter and start tearing clothes off to get at my awesomeness. But that didn't keep me from vividly imagining a much different scenario in where I asked how much she makes per hour, and then offering to match it.
I mean, maybe she'd be good at making me tea in the mornings.. in the nude, mind you. It's worth the 8 bucks an hour I figure, plus I can probably make her do dishes and water the "plants" afterwards.
Note how quotation marks can instantly turn a word into an awesome sexual innuendo. Funny how that works.
Anyways, after much hemming and hawing, I promised to "think" about which one to get and my cousin and I bolted. I briefly considered buying a generic bag of tea from the nearby dollar store just so I could walk by with barely contained excitement:
"Hey! I found the one I was looking for! Finally!"
But it would've been way hard keeping a straight face.
David's Tea.. for all your loose-leaf needs. Try some today.
And if you would like to learn how to make iced tea, you NEED to watch this.
