Closure. The knowing why and how it came to an end.
A few days ago, I was at Walmart holding in my hand a case of bottled water when I happened to noticed the Halloween costumes all up on racks nearby. I've always enjoyed checking out the latest advancement in costume technology and sadly, there wasn't much other than latex Avatar masks that bucked the trend of vampires, werewolves and a kit containing everything one needs in order to impersonate Michael Jackson. Yeah, the single glove with glitter was included, the prosthetic nose sadly, was not.
Yet, it was when my watchful gaze travelled towards the children costumes did I notice one in particular that caught my attention.
It was this:
AUGHHghh. How disgustingly cute is that? There was no way I could possibly resist purchasing this item, despite the fact that I am single and have no children of my own. Sad to say.
Yet, my ex-girlfriend's child came to mind. Her name is Sophia, a precocious two years old with an unhealthy Elmo fetish. She is exactly the person an Indonesian seamstress earned six cents and contributed sixteen minutes of her life towards.
I knew Soph would enjoy wearing it :)
But.. as any reader of this blog would know, I have broken up with the ex and such a gesture may be interpreted as an excuse to worm my way back into a relationship.
This was so not the case for me. I bought it because I knew Soph would like it and as a result, the thought alone was all I needed to be content with.
Yet, it was problematic of me to decide whether or not I should lay this costume at the front door and leave, or maybe I would be able to knock and give this gift in person.
A few days passed, to last night and I bit the bullet.
I texted Lauren saying that I missed her.
Ugh. It's true. It's probably not what I should have said, but in my heart it was something that needed to be expressed. How do I know this? Because for most of my day I had been fighting off a headache that immediately resolved itself after I had sent this message.
The only explanation I can come up with, is that my repressed emotions were physically causing me pain.
So, with that text sent, we chatted off and on over the course of the day. I wasn't sure what I was doing other than enjoying talking to her and getting up to speed with how her life has been lately. The next day however, I dropped the bomb and told Lauren of the costume I had for Soph. She expressed a concern that I was crossing the "ex boundary" and that perhaps it wasn't such a good idea.
I explained myself as best as I could. That I was doing this out of my own free will, that there was no ulterior motive or strings attached to this deal. I just wanted her child to be happy, which despite my not being directly involved in her life - made me feel a little happier as well.
It was a tough decision for me to do, but I had already purchased this outfit and I wasn't going to throw it away. So I drove up to Lauren's house and left it at the door, as she suggested I do. It didn't feel all that great to be honest, not being able to come inside and see the smile on her child's face as I handed it over. But hey.. I still felt a measure of joy from having done this. I don't regret it.
Over the next few hours, words were exchanged through text and finally the tipping point presented itself and these were what followed:
What else do you want from me, David? I can't imagine that our continued correspondence is a good thing. Its just dragging it on and on.
I just can't understand you Lauren. I really can't. You've been all over the place in our relationship and I am genuinely concerned about your behavior.
Your concern is patronizing and unwarranted. You're the one who can't regulate your emotions, admit responsibility or take no for an answer.
And being passionate is not the same as being irrational and overly sensitive.
There is something about your neediness, sensitivity, and dependency that inspires meanness in me. I don't like it. But you don't back off.
Thanks for finally opening up about how you feel. I could argue with you all night about what you said but the fact is...
I still love you. And you have yet to know what that word even means. Maybe someday you will.
Good night Lauren.
No, it wasn't easy for me to take, but I needed to hear those words. The thing with Lauren is that she always had a hard time articulating how she felt. This was an aspect of our relationship that greatly contributed to it's failure as it was often up to me to try and understand what was going through her mind at any given time.
Even direct questions were often met with a blank stare or given an answer that offered little insight into the feelings she kept to herself.
Yes, I admit and take responsibility for my actions. I was needy, insecure and dependent. I know that. I accept it and I am a better person now for being able to pinpoint what I did wrong.
What must be understood is that I did not enter the relationship as the kind of person Lauren described. This was the result of her attempted breakup and I began to feel more insecure and desperate for anything that I could plant both feet in. There was never any sense of commitment given by her to me. Only the barest illusion of it.
She is a tragedy that has yet to fully appreciate what love really is and what it involves. This sort of truth is usually revealed when one has suffered or experienced rejection, things that are alien to her comprehension as she had always been the first to leave a relationship.
There is nothing sadder than a person who is incapable of understanding and expressing love for another human being. Or for themselves. People often mimic what they feel "love" should be, and quite often, it becomes more mechanical then genuine. Like a bad pantomime.
This is something that I and Lauren both need to work on as we go our separate ways. I had surrendered my individuality to this person and was disrespected for having done so. That was my biggest mistake and I have no choice but to pay for it.
Hers, was not knowing what love really is and the things that it involves doing. You do not say "I love you" and then hurt the person you are with for no reason other than to serve an insecurity within yourself that demands malicious and cruel behaviour.
I should add that she has been sexually abused as a child. Maybe her manipulative behaviour is operating from a sense of helplessness and a desire to control others.
I don't know. I might never know why she acted this way if she can't even explain it herself.
I wasn't proud of what I did today. Part of me did operate out of self-interest rather than altruism. That is not to say I didn't care, or used the gift as an excuse to connect, but that is direction that I unexpectedly went towards.
So.. with a heavy heart, I must accept responsibility for compromising the truth that I carry within. The lesson being, to never succumb to another person's whims at the expense of your values and needs. Love should be giving, understanding, respectful and caring. It is supposed to bring out the best side of another human being, not the worst.
It was a tough lesson and I am still learning it. It is not easy for me to admit at the moment, but I am fortunate to have had this experience to grow and evolve from.
And.. I think I can start to move on now. Though I haven't had all of my questions answered, I think the most important one was knowing if Lauren meant what she said when I asked if she loved me.
"Yes, I believe so."
It appeared to be a hesitant and unsure answer.
I still love her though, but in a different way now.
And I will suffer the pain of it. For however long it lasts.
God help me.
I am such a loser.
