Lauren. Lauren. Lauren.
I admit it. I’m obsessed, or I at least have a hard time letting go of her. The second part rings truer than the first because I can’t bring myself to think that there is anyone else out there that I’d rather be with (excluding Patricia Arquette, Beyonce and Catwoman).
It really fucking sucks to have this kind of thing on my mind from morning to night. I’m finding ways to keep distracted but the free moments almost inevitably lead to a recollection of the good and bad of my past relationship.
The visual of her face framed by clouds as we had sex in her backyard.
The time she attacked me and made love on the couch.
The way holding her hand felt so right as we watched a movie together.
The way she tucked her feet into my lap as we sat opposite each other on the patio.
The time we spent in Canmore listening to the radio in bed and the god awesome steak we shared together.
The fights. The hypocrisy. Having her daughter hug my leg. Random memories that float from outside of my peripheral awareness and dance about for immediate attention.
Then, the sudden urge to look at pictures of us together on my phone. The occasional teary eye.
Whenever I think my obsession has to do with wanting to change her mind or feeling like I will never find anyone else like her out there; I’m reminded of something my friend Jerry said.
“10-08-30 4:15 PM: I think you may realize that Lauren as a whole may be pretty unique and it will be difficult to find someone quite like her. But her good attributes, the things you liked about her won't be. If you focus on finding someone like Lauren then it will be a long and difficult process...”
That is so true.
It’s funny, but I keep reminding myself of the negative qualities this girl has. And I can think of many. Sure, she wasn’t perfect, but she was a lot like me. We were both flawed. And had my upbringing been a little different, I suspect my life would have followed the same trajectory as hers. I would’ve gone for a Ph.D in psych as well. I love helping people, I enjoy trying to understand and work through their problems. It's something I’m very passionate about and would have done had my destiny thought otherwise. And had I been with a more supportive family who wouldn't have pushed me away from psychology/writing, there's no telling what I could have accomplished by now.
The chemistry.. the rapport.. I just can’t get over how there was rarely a dull or awkward moment with this person.
But really, is she the one I am meant for?
(sighs) .. It’s another day.
I’ll get by.
The fights. The hypocrisy. Having her daughter hug my leg. Random memories that float from outside of my peripheral awareness and dance about for immediate attention.
Then, the sudden urge to look at pictures of us together on my phone. The occasional teary eye.
Whenever I think my obsession has to do with wanting to change her mind or feeling like I will never find anyone else like her out there; I’m reminded of something my friend Jerry said.
“10-08-30 4:15 PM: I think you may realize that Lauren as a whole may be pretty unique and it will be difficult to find someone quite like her. But her good attributes, the things you liked about her won't be. If you focus on finding someone like Lauren then it will be a long and difficult process...”
That is so true.
It’s funny, but I keep reminding myself of the negative qualities this girl has. And I can think of many. Sure, she wasn’t perfect, but she was a lot like me. We were both flawed. And had my upbringing been a little different, I suspect my life would have followed the same trajectory as hers. I would’ve gone for a Ph.D in psych as well. I love helping people, I enjoy trying to understand and work through their problems. It's something I’m very passionate about and would have done had my destiny thought otherwise. And had I been with a more supportive family who wouldn't have pushed me away from psychology/writing, there's no telling what I could have accomplished by now.
The chemistry.. the rapport.. I just can’t get over how there was rarely a dull or awkward moment with this person.
But really, is she the one I am meant for?
How can a girlfriend look me square in the eye and cheerfully announce, "I'm going to visit my ex while in Toronto!" days after we had a fight about seeing ex's? Is she that clueless? Inconsiderate? Or was I privy to the reflection of the depth of cruelty she is capable of expressing?
What kind of person is she? How can she go from "You're the only man for me" to "I think we should see other people." Or, "I love you." - said with a straight face, and weeks later: "I'm holding out for someone more compatible."
What kind of person is she? How can she go from "You're the only man for me" to "I think we should see other people." Or, "I love you." - said with a straight face, and weeks later: "I'm holding out for someone more compatible."
How can someone change their mind like this at the drop of a hat? Is this the kind of person I would want to be with? Someone who has admitted to cheating in the past and claiming monogamy "is such a struggle" for her?
How? I am really trying hard to understand how she arrived at all this. I know she's heartless, cruel, emotionally-immature and stubborn as hell, but..
I can't stop thinking about her. It hurts knowing how casually she curb-stomped our relationship.
I spend all day thinking about her. I'm trying to distract myself but my thoughts keep gravitating towards someone who seems incapable of being a decent, caring human being.
Why that is, I’m really not sure. I just know that the heart wants what the heart wants and allowing myself to feel the pain of seperation is just another step in the grieving process.
Or maybe I hate giving up. Or maybe I want something I can't have.
Maybe it really is love. Though I question why after all that she has done, that I’m still feeling this way. Conflicted. Confused. Unable to move on.
And why a new girl in my life is unable to fill the void that was left behind.
I don’t know.
I’m going to home depot and buy paint for my bedroom. It’s time to put the focus back on my life where it belongs. Yeah, on home improvement. I can only laugh at how trivial it is in comparison to what it feels being without someone to hug and kiss.
Or maybe I hate giving up. Or maybe I want something I can't have.
Maybe it really is love. Though I question why after all that she has done, that I’m still feeling this way. Conflicted. Confused. Unable to move on.
And why a new girl in my life is unable to fill the void that was left behind.
I don’t know.
I’m going to home depot and buy paint for my bedroom. It’s time to put the focus back on my life where it belongs. Yeah, on home improvement. I can only laugh at how trivial it is in comparison to what it feels being without someone to hug and kiss.
(sighs) .. It’s another day.
I’ll get by.
