..It's time for me to vent again.
I hate feeling like this, unable to shake thoughts of my ex-girlfriend. They linger like a cloud of fruit flies, swarming every which way - not actually biting, but creating enough of a nuisance that I'm forced to own up to how I'm feeling.
I'm still in love with her.
And.. I can't seem to stop thinking about us. The good, the bad, and the points in-between. I think of how I could have done things differently around her, but I realize at the same time - that the ride we went on didn't leave much room for me to be objective.
When she initiated the first breakup, there wasn't much I could have done. All I could do was confess my feelings to her and allow the relationship to be inadvertently taken to the next level. And the next level to me, was totally premature at just the one-month mark. So really, she wanted to dump me over ONE evening of not "fitting in" with her friends? That's all the proof she needs of my social prowess? Really? And these were "friends" that she later confessed who were going to move away, or that she will move away from. Who cares if I don't get along with her disposable friends. What did matter is that I got along with her brother and his wife, though she later changed her mind about that as well. I've always been interested in forging meaningful connections with others and not with people who need to put on a show to cover up their pathetic insecurities. Which is what I was expected to blend in with.
It was sick. Perverse, even.
Yet, she wanted to dump me over a test that few people could have passed. And those were the only friends of hers that I have met. Who cares about the rest of them, because I act like this in ALL social situations right? I couldn't even get anything scheduled with MY friends because of the difficulty of getting babysitting. Try coordinating anything spontaneous with a single mom and I guarantee it will fall apart like a wet, cardboard box 95 percent of the time.
I remember prior to this first breakup, I was a happy man to have found her. I was on cloud seventeen, amped up and firing on all cylinders. Finally I met someone who was a lot like me in so many ways, that I immediately realized how important it was not to botch things up by cranking the dial. Yet, the breakup pushed it into second gear without my consent and I was forced into a state of panic and insecurity which became worse over time.
'Tis a slippery slope, that insecurity I say. Because as things progressed, all I could do was hold on to whatever measure of self-control I had left and at the same time - to try and be more accommodating towards her. Because hey, who knew what this crazy chick was going to do next? It seemed like she was always looking for a reason to crucify me. At one point I thought we were going to break up over my snoring. Or that I was being too affectionate, or not enough. Whatever.
Still though, I keep thinking about the last thing I should have texted her with. In an earlier post, I pasted it up along with my reply and now I'm beginning to regret saying what I did. Because it was pathetic in a way.. It was true to how I felt at the time, but it felt like a forced confession as I had to process what she wrote and come up with something that addressed it in an intelligent and honest way.
Sadly, my emotions broke free of their restraints and I lost the opportunity to clearly express myself.
Big fail on that point. Here's the message she last sent me:
Your concern is patronizing and unwarranted. You're the one who can't regulate your emotions, admit responsibility or take no for an answer.
And being passionate is not the same as being irrational and overly sensitive.
There is something about your neediness, sensitivity, and dependency that inspires meanness in me. I don't like it. But you don't back off
I wasn't happy with what I came up with in response to that. Maybe what I should have said was:
You know Lauren, I was not the person you've just described at the beginning of our relationship. Maybe you should be taking responsibility for being inconsiderate and selfish by asking for that first breakup.
Because look at what we had after we got pass that. Canmore, hanging out with Soph, great sex, fun conversations, I thought we complemented each other very well.. There was a lot of good in what we had, yet it was always your warped sense of entitlement that kept you from investing yourself and taking things seriously with us."I want to go out with movie guy!" wahh. Look, NO freaking boyfriend would agree to you going out with a single guy - who had designs on you, to a movie.And definitely not after a breakup weeks earlier. Get real. The fact that you didn't care about what I thought, only proves how self-centered and egotistical you really are.
You have the gall to call ME irrational after how you conducted yourself? Why not own up to your behavior? I mean, it's right there in, "inspired meanness" isn't it? Who's fault was that? Talk about a copout excuse if you're laying blame at my doorstep.
It bothers me to say this but I still love and want to be with you. The only issue I've ever had was your inability to be empathic. It's your Achille's heel and you are too wrapped up in your fantasy world to acknowledge and take responsibility for it.
It's truly ironic that you are a therapist with such a weak grasp of a quality that your profession demands and expects.
Yet, I am unchanged in how I feel towards you except that I feel much sadder these days. Because I don't think you are mature enough to handle any kind of relationship without you wanting to fulfill some impossible standard that you've set for your partner.
So I will wait for you. Once you are able to get a dose of reality and find yourself humbled by it. You might even discover that yes, love IS enough. In fact, it's hard to come by.
Good night Lauren. Be well.
Kind of a long text, I admit. And it still feels like there's more to say. I mean, why is it up to ME to have to prove myself worthy of her? Does this not go both ways? I have overlooked her shortcomings because I recognized the potential of us early on and knew she was capable of being a good person. Yet, she was blinded by her inflated sense of worth ("I'll be making a $175 an hour next year!"). That's not to say that I think she should settle for anything less than she deserves - it only means that she was incapable of being patient enough to fully understand and explore what I did have to offer...
My heart, body, mind and soul. I would never cheat on, lie to or manipulate the person that I love. I'm intelligent, spontaneous, thoughtful, passionate, authentic and true to what I believe in. I would have been a trustworthy and formidable partner who is in fact - ambitious, yet needs to feel a measure of stability in his relationships. I don't want my mind flooded with thoughts of a girlfriend who willingly admits to cheating, is incapable of monogamy, wants to date other guys and enjoys maliciously cutting away at my self-esteem.
Who needs that shit?
I have turned down two marriage proposals in my life. I'm praised for my sensitivity and appreciated for my wit and humor. I've dated into the double-digits and I have made girls cry over my leaving, sending me letters not unlike the one that I am now writing to myself.
Maybe it's karma that's kicking me in the ass, I don't know. Prior to meeting Lauren, I've yet to have been involved in a relationship that excited me to be a part of.
But.. I am cursed for revealing my innermost feelings to this girl who could not comprehend the honest and articulate way that I expressed them. Violating a trust that I thought would have been respected and appreciated - yet, never reciprocated.
She was unable to get up to my level and realize that we could have been something special, had she bothered to try taking things more seriously.
.. I really don't know what else to say, but I do know that I didn't deserve to be judged as harshly as I had been.
I wish I could have taken things in stride and not be so affected by the conflicts we've had. But, that was just an insecurity prompted by the inflicted fear of losing her. I don't think I could have done anything differently other than holding on and not wanting to let go.
I am done with playing games, I've grown up and hated myself for being manipulative in the past, only wanting casual sex and casual relationships.
Payback's a bitch, I suppose.
So, the roller coaster came to a stop and the passengers disembarked, leaving through the turnstiles with memories of their experience together. Yet, only one person emerged feeling like he could have ridden this ride for the rest of his life.
Had he been able to.
.. I would do anything to have her back with me again.
I love her. To me, that is all I would ever want from another person.
I wish she could say the same.
