Monday, November 29, 2010

the decimation of the divine


We live in jaded times. This modern-era has precipitated the advent of self-indulgence and reckless consumption.


These are not new words. They are in the back of everyone’s mind. They are entrenched deeply in our souls. They are the source of our ills.


To preach the virtue of self-reliance is to accept dissonance. It entails a severing of the connection that exists between ourselves and the world around us. It neuters the mystical and embraces a cold, almost psychopathic disregard towards those that exist outside of our immediate assessment as to their usefulness.


We take humanity for granted, and why not? We have our problems, “they” have theirs. It is always “us” and “they” never “our”.


Africa is proof of that. As is Pakistan. Afghanistan. Iraq. China. Anyplace situated outside of the immediate influence of the North American way of living; we simply cannot relate to lives so dissimilar to our own.


“They” have their own problems to deal with.


If we were to frog-march the usual suspects up to our collective scrutinty, there emerges a criminal so conviving, so implacable and so improbable that we do not notice it’s presence.


Polarization. The tendency to assess situations through only two sets of lenses. Good and bad. Cruel and compassionate. Hot and cold. Democrat and Republican. Rich and poor. Wrong and right. Living or dead.


Decades ago, pre-martial sex was considered largely to be a sin. We do not think such things nowadays. In fact -- given our capacity for selfishness, we have socially-conditioned promiscuity as acceptable and placed it reverently upon our altars of self worship.


Laws are also meant to be broken. Prohibition should have served as an effective a cautionary tale as any; yet we continue forth, enforcing rules and regulations that are often perceived as an inconvenience that we must accept without question. Our judgement is constrained by an arbitrary boundary dictated by bureaucracy largely steered about by corporations and it's lobbyists.


Polarization is a form of situational alchemy. We grab onto an unfamiliar concept and weigh it’s values against either extreme. If it cannot be categorized as easily as we wish, we can always count on the ego to tip the scales in favour of either direction without due consideration on our part.


This is how fundamentalists are born. There is no gray in a world that demands either black or white. It is what fuels the engine of activism. It perpetuates racial and gender discrimination. It produces "terrorists". An attack on the World Trade Center that caused the death of a few thousand pale in comparison to the floods of Indonesia or the earthquakes in Haiti that has resulted in far more causalities. Yet, our empathy does not extend nearly as well towards a group of inferior beings whose lives we aren't emotionally invested in.


Do you remember where you were on the day that 230,000 Haitians perished? How about 9/11?


My point is, we are fucked. Our sense of empathy needs a kick in the ass if we expect to progress as a speices, much less a "civilization".


We have nowhere else to go but down, if the world continue as it does. Feeding the gluttonous appetite of North Americans upon the backs of less fortunate third-world citizens. Affording more gravitas towards spectacle than reality. Embracing a collective delusion unique only to the Western hemisphere, in which we struggle to hold up the shaky foundation of the American Dream, enlisting and exploiting the aid of those who have little choice but to consent to piss-poor wages and a shocking amount of disrespect.


The value of life is relative to the polarized mind. If it does not shock or stun us -- we simply will not care.


Such is the life of the Ostrich burying it's nose in the sand.


Get your Christmas shopping done yet?

Sunday, November 28, 2010

Poseidon's Revenge

Something I came up with on the fly. I hadn't bothered to spell-check or edit anything. Yeah, I know it's sloppy but I loved doing it. Enjoy.

===

He stood still. Hands bound in a metal forged from the flames of Mt. Vesuvius. Looking up, he could see the ripple of the sky, a shining sun danced above, it’s rays darting like jagged swords into his eyes inflicting a pain that appeared to mock and yet -- beckon him to arise from his watery hell.


Yet he could not. Both his wrists and ankles fixed him firmly to the ocean floor and all he could do was to stare ahead forlornly. Contemplating the insanity that pervaded his being, swirling inches from his skin as he stood albeit slightly hunched to endure the madness that he found himself corrupted by.


The ocean current swirled gently against his body, a hurried embrace for which he dearly enjoyed. He did not relish the days when his lover’s fingers swelled into a fist that relentlessly pounded him with unapologetic fury. There were times when his mouth opened wide in a noiseless scream, unable to force anything but angry bubbles that darted wildly to the surface.


For a God as he, such impotence of action was a daring blow to the monstrous ego he once harboured. He had felt over the centuries, the gradual explosion and contraction of his consciousness. Folding onto itself until he was left with nothing more than a speck intent on eventual redemption.


For that day shall surely come, he thought. Floating inches off the sand that grated the soles of his bare feet. He recalled the day of incarceration, summoning forth memories strengthened by countless amounts of recollection.


They called him The Lamb. It was he who ordered the enslavement of not just himself, but others like him. By who’s authority, he has yet to acknowledge and subject himself towards. The Lamb claimed jurisdiction of the sea, or more accurately -- conquered these waters using a form of magic that appeared incomprehensible -- almost impossible for one such as he to reckon and properly shore up defences against.


As he stood with his army of ocean dwellers to his rear -- the Christian God looked upon him with a measure of pity that infuriated him. How dare this interloper stand against him with such disrespect.


The memories threatened to engulf him, as they have many times before. Infecting each cell of his body with a terrible resentment and a futile desire to break free from the bonds that he reluctantly accepted.


Over the centuries, he had tested these chains. Hoping that with time, a sharp jerk would undo at least one link. Yet this did not happen. Would not happen. Until the day of reckoning emerged.


So he stood in his watery prison. Eyes towards the surface, feeling the hair on his head reach towards the sky, swaying with the current. All he could do was watch.


And squeeze out a salty tear that blended in with the surroundings.


Had he been utterly and completely alone, he may have given in to the occasional urge to communicate his servitude to the being that had conquered him. Yet, he was not alone. He still had his mind. His pride. His strength of will.


And his friends. Ancestors of a time long past who would sometimes swim by and share stories of surface dwellers, ships, migration patterns. Some have even paused to mock and deride the predicament that he was in. These worms were given a sneer and a narrowing of hateful eyes to which they fearfully absconded from.


He longed for the dolphins. They were good company and have passed down the knowledge of his reign to their pods. The whales also were a kind and respectful lot. Many creatures choose to avoid him altogether, yet these two did not.


About once every second full moon, he would be paid a visit by the Kraken. A monstrosity that remained as ageless as he. A proud and devoted servant to his cause.


The Kraken was about sixty feet long, with short stubby legs and a multitude of foot-tall tentacles that covered it’s entire underbelly. Thick, heavy scales covered it’s back terminating at the brow and revealing small green orbs which passed for eyes. Unblinking, and with a mouth twisted in perpetual malice; the Kraken made for quite the formidable adversity against the half-Gods he had once been to war against.


Yet the Christ was an opponent that the Kraken could not overcome. The scenario played out in his mind. Shards of light permeated the water and inflicted a kind of temporary paralysis that rendered the Kraken inert causing him to float helplessly towards the ocean surface whilst the bounds of Vesuvius were laid upon the master to which he remained loyal towards.


Today the Kraken would visit, as he peered up towards the reddish hue that coated the top of his briny stew. He felt the heavy pains of isolation melt away in zestful anticipation for his visitor.


As the dusk gave way to the thick and solemn darkness, he could sense the presence of something large approaching. It wasn’t quite intuition he thought, but rather an awareness of an abnormal shift in the current that surrounded him. He could feel more force being directed towards the left side of his torso, indicating a great mass that rapidly approached.


Moments later, he could hear or rather sense -- the war cry of the Kraken as it plowed it’s way forward. This was a defence mechanism designed to scare off unwanted company to ensure the forthcoming conversation would be a private one.


A school of fish promptly darted off into the distance as did a lone jellyfish who comically propelled itself diagonally away from the source of it’s terror.


Looking about, the emptiness cloaked itself around him with a welcome silence that lingered hesitantly. Bringing about a sanctity to the proceedings that would follow.


The current slowed, the presence neared and soon made itself known in the form of a black shadow that drifted his way. It appeared as a speck frozen in time, growing larger with each passing second until it stood before him.


The voice that emanated addressed him in a tone of reverence that never failed to swell his pride each time he heard it.


“Hail thee, sir master of the sea. As below, so shall be above. I trust you have been well as one befitting your stature is able to be.”


He had always enjoyed the poetic lyricism of the Kraken, it was such a strange contrast to the frightful appearance that often implied a simple-minded, brutish intelligence devoid of compassion.


“Hail thee, my friend. Come forth. What news have you brought me?”


The features of the Kraken came sharply into focus, the cruelty of it’s toothless maw opened up in what he had now taken to be a smile. The hard, penetrating gaze he accepted as a look of intense focus and an expression of sincerity. His heart swelled upon the recognizance of his one, true friend.


“My master. I bring you an unusual tale of fiery hail. Rocks of a wretched heat that have scattered upon the Earth spreading walls of flame that have marched upon the lands above.”


Touching the metal bracelet with the tips of his fingers, Poseidon stiffened. This was news indeed!


“Do regal me, my friend. To which purpose would one suppose such a demonstration should entail?”


Thin wispy bubbles heaved out of the Kraken’s nostrils as if in a sigh.


“Master, I do not know. The destruction of mankind or a show. The oceans remain unaffected as you have observed. Or perhaps have already heard.”


Furrowing his brow, he looked up. The Kraken’s face was bathed in the white ghostly glow of the full moon.


Poseidon glanced about warily, eyes wide open and sparkling with a great curiosity that has made the weight of his chains ever the more unbearable.


“My friend. Could this be the work of the Christian Lord? Are the days of reckoning upon us?”


The Kraken paused thoughtfully.


“Master. Perhaps that is so. I have swam as close as I could dare, to acknowledge a sight so rare. Bodies as far as the eye can see and nothing more than the burnt embers of trees.”


“Where upon have you seen such things? The East?”


“Everywhere my Master. The East, The North, The South, The West. I do not jest. Cities, dwellings, ports and all the rest.”


“It is upon us!” cracking a wry smile, he could hardly contain the jubilation that such tragedy had afforded him.


The Kraken stared at him with a forlornly.


“Master. There is something that you must know, before you celebrate such a tale of woe. A crevice had emerged, to which something has been submerged. A being you know well, sent to the great depths of hell.”


“No..” He felt the word escape his lips, swimming off into the darkness.


“I regret to inform, the crow has plucked the worm. The Christ that you await, has met an untimely fate. There could be heard a great roar, as he hath perished forever more.”


He could feel the tension in his muscles loosening. A smug expression crossed Poseidon’s face.


“Then this would mean a new God has taken up the mantle.”


“It would appear so.”


A terrible crackling shook his feet. He could feel heavy vibrations travel up his spine, rattling his head as it perched hesitantly upon his neck. Fissures opened in the ground and steam billowed forth. The heat was of a torturous sort, threatening to peel off the layers of his impenetrable skin and he could feel a boiling in his gut -- as if he was being cooked alive.


“Kraken! What is happening?” He screamed.


The Kraken remained unmoving, silently staring forward.


“My friend! Please tell me you know what this is!”


Looking down, he could see the cracks becoming larger and molten lava burbled in between his toes. While he was immortal, he certainly could -- and did -- experience pain. This was unlike anything he has ever felt.


Memories flooded his mind. His coronation. The family he once had. An Earth dwelling wife with whom he consorted and sired children by. The decimation of coastal cities that he instigated with malice towards citizens who dared not afford him the respect befitting a God of the ocean. The ships he capsized on a lark.


As the chains turned bright red, Poseidon could feel his flesh sloughing away. Blood escaped from his body to create vast plumes that hung about like an oily cloud. Obscuring his visibility which dimmed noticeably with each passing moment.


Until soon, there was darkness. And the heat was no more.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

epiphanies r' us

Just had sex an hour ago. I'm laying stretched out on the couch with a cigarette dangling from my lips while wearing pyjamas and an un-buttoned shirt. For the ladies out there that love warm, descriptive prose; my penis is also hanging out of my pants.

I'm kidding of course.

But several things have been learned this evening, the source being Kim, the girl I thought I've "dumped" last week.

It's hard feigning a lack of interest in anything sexual.. waking up this morning, there was a sheen about me. A "Dave.. go get laid..." voice bounded about inside of my skull, tempting me to betray the "values" I claimed to have espoused about in my last entry.

Still though, something interesting perchance did transpire as I thought about introducing regular, casual sex into my routine regardless of how attracted I am to my partner.

One of those revelations is that I simply love having sex. There's nothing to apologize for in wanting to be with someone and making the two of you feel good on a purely physical level.

That's one.. the other being - A realization that I am more empowered and deserving of the "dream girl" that I've been searching all of my life for. Now - more than ever. This was arrived at by gauging my performance in bed.. I'm very aware of how people have sex and what measure of enjoyment that they get from it. For guys, it's as simple as a ten minute quickie done doggie-style while the lady has something lacy on. For women, it's a half hour of kissing, touching and then getting slammed by an oblong object mercilessly for a good five to ten minutes.

But I took it to an hour and a half.. again.. and from how it went tonight compared to the last time I slept with Kim - I'm pretty sure she would give this experience a 10/10.

I do take pride in knowing that. It's a bit of a relief that as far as sex goes, I won't have to hear anyone complain about how much I suck at it. And after tonight with Kim, I realized that I raised the bar in a way I haven't done before.

Part of that epiphany works like sealing a leaky faucet. I've always been an insecure person.. there was never any shortage of things for me to worry or feel ashamed about. I'm not perfect, as no one else is, but I do have shortcomings that can be difficult to overcome.

But the more I am appreciated for my ability in bed, the higher my self-esteem develops. And this, I think, would be an effective way for me to build confidence and bring myself closer to the woman that I have been searching for most of my life.

It definitely is not my ex-girlfriend that's for sure, as we've had a bit of a back and forth over the long weekend. After two-months of whining about her on my blog, I'm comfortable in saying that I've made a huge step in being able to excise her from my thoughts each day.

Of course, it took leaving a book at her place that prompted an email telling me to stop leaving shit around. I'm not happy exhibiting border-line stalker behaviour, but .. (shrugs)

After explaining my motivations (which included the pumpkins that she remained silent about) - I was able to dig a little deeper into her psyche and called her out on the parts of our relationship that I think reflected her obvious immaturity and selfishness.

There were some deep insults hurled at each other, and I'm glad that it came to this point because a lot of what I was obsessing about this girl started to fall by the wayside. Her negative qualities came out front and center and for the first time, I realized that personality / attraction-wise, she was without equal. Yet, her level of emotional maturity was in the range of severe to profound retardation.

Over the course of my sort-of-final emails, I summed up her negative qualities and she was unable to offer up a rebuttal to how poorly she conducted herself. There was a moment where I resigned myself from railing away at her, because I ran out of ammunition and she seemed to have trouble presenting any kind of reasonable justification for her actions. In short - she was in denial and attempted to re-write history. Quite unsuccessfully, I must add.

So, it's officially over. Did I love Lauren? Oh.. hell yes, I did. And I do. But, she is not there yet. She has a long way ahead of her before she is mature enough to enter into a long-term relationship with a (gasps) committed partner.

Despite the bad mouthing we both did during this exchange, she left it off with "Good luck in your future endeavours" and I replied with "Hope you get a clue. Look me up once that happens" =)

Some people just need time. For someone like her, I know I can wait.

But, I'm not going to stop dating.

Because whether or not the girl I'm meant for is Lauren or someone else..

I'll still be out there, with my head held high and my heart wide open.

I won't give up on my dreams.

It's the reason why I'm still here.

Monday, November 08, 2010

bulls on parade

I've been gorging myself lately on the concept of subjective reality (SR) which is a topic of endless fascination for me.

For one thing, wouldn't it make sense to perceive the world as being entirely subjective? Consider the idea that what we perceive is through our five senses, all unique onto each individual and subject to interpretation by our brains. As you know, each person perceives things in different ways, sometimes radically different ways as they arrange stimuli to structure a reality that complements their perspective. Perspective that is a creation you, yourself are responsible for creating.

A favourite quote of mine comes from no other than Buddha himself, when he pointed out:

"the mind is everything, what you think, you become."

This is such a beautiful and poignant truth that still sparkles in my head each time I am reminded of these words. It is all about inner perception and how you view yourself can heavily influence the events and persons that transpire in life.

There is a story I am reminded of, from the dusty vaults of Buddhism as well - That involved a student asking his master the question that every human being asks at one point or another in their lifetime.

"Master. Who am I?"

To this, the wise sage pointed towards the small cot that the student slept upon.

"Go to your room, think nothing of a bull and do not come out until I tell you to."

Confused, the student obliged and sat in his room for several weeks thinking of a bull.

Eventually, the master walked past and was asked by the student when he would be able to leave the room.

Smiling, the master inquired, "Why should you not leave your room? Come outside."

The student hesitated at this invitation, frowning heavily as he stood inches away from the door.

"What's wrong?" The master asked. "Why won't you come out?"

With a quizzical expression on his face, the student responded, almost with embarrassment.

"Master, I cannot! My horns are too big!"

What you think, you shall become. Perception is everything.

Sunday, November 07, 2010

the fifty-eight day old virgin

An epiphany: there is nothing more disappointing than sex without love.

Kim came by tonight, eager to get down and go for "four hours" as she implied doing prior to her arrival. I gave her my mininum ten-minute guarantee and left it at that.

So from start to finish, it went for about an hour and a half. I can't say I really enjoyed what I was doing.. it just felt.. different in a wrong kind of way.

I thought about my ex several times throughout.. "this doesn't feel as good as she did" "she doesn't smell as nice as my ex does" "I don't feel anything for this girl at all" "what am I having for breakfast tomorrow morning?" and so on. All these repeated thoughts and musings lead to my being able to go at it straight for an hour and a half non-stop, earning the rating 9.6 out of 10 in the process. I felt like patting my back with a giant foam hand and popping the cork on a champagne bottle afterwards. It's a bit of an art to be able to distract yourself this effectively.

But a big part of the reason why I didn't orgasm early was simply because I didn't care. This was a pivotal moment for me to decide whether or not I wanted to keep on going with a no-strings sexual relationship and I'm leaning heavily towards "saving" myself until the right girl comes along.

Because it's bullshit. I may as well be fucking a can of beans given how emotionally detached I was at the time. She was having several orgasms, breathing hard, making all kinds of guttural sounds and "oh yeahs!" not unlike the Kool-Aid man; and there's me, laying back with a cool, collected calm channelling the spirit of James Dean - except without a cigarette dangling from the lips. My heart-rate barely went up during all of this and it's sex for fuck's sake. Sure, maybe I sweated a little, but I still felt like a catatonic zombie without a pulse muttering "braaainz" to himself.

She wanted to be blindfolded, tied-up and dominated but I couldn't go through with it. It's just not in my nature to approach any human being with an intent to degrade and control them. As a fantasy, sure, I would have accommodated her - but at this early stage in our "relationship"? Forget about it.

My first instinct after it was done, was to blame my naiveté for allowing this to happen. I, in a way, manipulated this girl to give me sex. I agreed to it and I have to take responsibility for compromising my values and putting sex above the things that matter most.

In short, I betrayed my honour and for that I must apologize to myself.

There was a moment post-coitus when she asked what I thought about the sex and I had to deftly avoid that question for fear of what would come out of my mouth had I been honest.

I would have said, "Kim, I didn't think it was anything special. I don't like you, I don't enjoy how you kiss or the way your body feels, I don't find your personality all that interesting, I don't feel attracted to you in the slightest and I'm a little ashamed that I went along with this."

But then, all hell would have broken loose.

So I kept my mouth shut about how I really felt. I think deep down, she already knows that I'm not going to be feeding her false hope and lying about my feelings. I think she is well aware by now that I'm not into her and this was more of a test rather than just some primal desire to get my dick wet - though, it initially was spurred by general feelings of lasciviousness and a desire to be appreciated for my ability in bed. A petty and sleazy form of ego gratification I suppose.

As she left, I gave her an ice-cream sandwich, lit up a cigarette and got to writing this blog entry.

My eyes are heavy, my heart is weary, my penis is sore and .. I feel a little sad for the both of us.

I think it's going to be a lot easier for me to put sex on the back burner from here on out. This experience opened my eyes and reaffirmed the priorities in my life.

It made me realize that I was only fooling myself. And that sex alone will never adequately satisfy my desire to love and be loved. It was a worthless and shameful expression of my ego.

Yet, I'm still in love with my ex.. And I noticed that the past seven entries have mentioned her in some shape or form to the point where I feel like slapping myself upside the head to stop from thinking about her. But I doubt there's much I can do at this point other than dropping off random gifts at her place, as reminders that I'm still here.

Still willing to love her as much as I can.

If only she would feel the same way.

Thursday, November 04, 2010

madness? this... is... coffee!


Insane. That's a hundred cups of coffee right there. Cinnamon Pastry, Vanilla Nut Caramel, Jet Fuel, Kona Island Blend, German Chocolate Cake! I feel like such a sensory whore right now.

Speaking of which, I have recently begun "dating" a girl who has been suggesting I act out her fantasy of being tied to a bed and dominated.

Yeah, I don't know how I can segue from coffee to BDSM, but it's not sitting well with me. For one thing, I don't respect women who give BJs (and swallows) on the 2nd date. I mean, what kind of person does that? And then she wants to get into the kinky stuff on the 3rd date? Really? I mean, I'm tickled that she finds me attractive, intelligent, funny, whatever.. it's a good way to boost my self-esteem, but at the same time, I just don't find overly-submissive women very exciting to be around with.

This totally flies in the face of what I once thought my ideal girl would be. Subserviant and willing to please.. Well, maybe I'm completely wrong about that. I need a person with a good head on her shoulders and has some standard of decency that she abides by.

With Kim, even though I had confessed after our second date that I wasn't feeling any chemistry and that maybe it would be better to move on; she throws this at me. A text saying that all she wants is sex. Nothing else.

Should I go through with it? A co-worker laughed about it today when I mentioned it and all he could say was, "it'll be good experience". Then told me he has a couple of girls on the side who aren't interested in anything but a booty call.

Still, would this kind of relationship work for me? I don't know.. But after my ex, maybe it's my turn to be wearing the pants and start taking people for granted.

What troubles me is that I can only see this getting worse over time and I'm not sure I'll keep from becoming a deviant, misogynistic pervert should I allow this to escalate more than it has already.

I may never be able to look at a woman again without imagining her tied down and willing to be degraded. It's just not in my nature to do these things...

But hell.. you only live once.

Where did I put that ball-gag?

Friday, October 29, 2010

pumpkins n' melons

It's been awhile, but check out these babies!



Soo much fun. It took about an hour and a half to get everything going, but having the stereo on, the hockey game up and a pair of sharp knives made it all worthwhile.

Sadly, they're not mine to keep. I'm leaving these at the doorstep of my ex's place. Yes, I'm still a schmuck that loves her.

Oh well.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010

one of those days...

(sighs) .. a dramatic pause is in order as I wade about in muddy boots within the confines of my mind, searching for a topic to discuss.

Well, stream of consciousness I suppose. Today I was scheduled to begin my new job, I got up in time, pulled my clothes on and picked up a few things for lunch from 7-11. But as I was doing that, a thought struck me. Why not just bail on this? The reason why is that I was told there were two orientations during the week and that I would be only one of four people there, I didn't relish the idea of sitting with three people and being up front fighting off drowsiness as I usually do.

So I showed up at the main contractor gate, met with the orientation coordinator and fed him a half-truth. Last night as I was laying in bed, I was feeling a little anxious about having to come up with a fake excuse but luckily, I stumbled across one that seemed plausible enough should I decide to go along with it.

I settled on saying that I had to go to the apprenticeship board to update my hours among other things. Sure, I could have done this on Friday or even yesterday - but I kept my fingers crossed hoping I wouldn't be probed for the particulars.

It worked, and after the coordinator assured me that it would not be a problem, I headed off for some coffee and a bit of shut eye. No regrets.

One thing I have been thinking about today, is .. how much I've been thinking about my ex. It's getting ridiculous. Every single day I'm reminded of her somehow and I still get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when my brain coughs up certain memories.

I.. don't know if I hate feeling these feelings for her and if I should try my hardest to let it go.

But the tricky part of all this, is knowing that I would be a hypocrite for saying that I loved her and .. it is so difficult to reframe my perspective so that I can go about my routine and not be thinking about her. The one I love, without feeling like I'm disrespecting my emotional attachment towards her. Even if she already had.

It is such a puzzle to try and work this out. On one hand, I'm excited about the idea of carving her two pumpkins for Halloween and leaving it at her doorstep. On the other, my mind flashes back to the last email she wrote where she asked me to stop contacting her.

I don't know which direction I should be going. Should I not fight for love? Can you love someone and not want to be with them? Would I be able to live with myself should I abandon all thoughts of her and prove myself "wrong" about having once been in love?

The interesting thing in all this, is that I'm very aware of how debilitating and unhealthy this particular fetish is. I KNOW it is not a good way of being, but I'm also thinking that perhaps I can find a way to reconcile these thoughts and still be able to carry on without feeling sad or longing to be with her.

One thing I'm afraid of, is that any sort of repression will only strengthen an unwanted emotion. The more you fight it, the deeper it entrenches itself. So, I have to conciously acknowledge these emotions, yet not allow myself to become too affected by them. This is not an easy process and it feels almost like a passive kind of resistance, somewhat in the way Gandhi once inspired among those who fought against the British salt tax.

Except this war is being fought inside my head.

This is what I am presently dealing with. The dilemma.. to love or not to love? If I choose to love, I will find joy in knowing that she may smile at the pumpkins I'm carving for her. But the other half of me is fighting for my independence, to free myself from someone that I possibly do not deserve or who does not deserve me.

I find that my ego is the cause of this misery, it is my sense of what "love" is that is keeping me chained to my ex. The definition I give towards such a word, is likely not what most people who frivolously throw about "I love yous" would honestly agree with.

To me, loving someone means to accept them for who they are. To forgive their flaws, to want them to find happiness, to do nice things for them.. but somewhere along the way it morphed itself into a question of personal identity.

I ask myself often, why do I continue to love someone who took my feelings for granted and lied to me repeatedly. Why am I loving someone who gave back so little in return? Why am I pining after a girl who gives up at the drop of a hat and is unwilling to work things out?

I don't know.

But I still think of her and .. I don't know how to make it stop.

Or if I should.

I love her madly. And unreciprocated love is the absolute worst kind there is.

This is my cross to bear.

Monday, October 18, 2010

deja vu


Today was special, another chilly day out in lovely (and sadly, isolated) Fort Saskatchewan. But my cold, frosty heart was served the intellectual equivalent of a hot cup of cocoa this morning.

I was paid a visit.. and BEHOLD! Jehovah's Witnesses! My favourite prey!

From time to time I get visited by these guys and I relish the opportunity to air out my "concerns" about Christianity while they stand flabbergasted - flummoxed even, by the 1-2 punch of questions that I have stored up over the years.

I thought it would be just another go at it, but they came prepared this time. Greeting me by name and the lady that I have seen twice before, had decided to bring her husband along as backup.

I think it went on for about a half hour, me leaning against the door frame and casually deflecting their assertions.

It started with, "where do we go after we die? the bible answers these questions!"

I'm like.. "probably hell, since I don't believe in biblical mythology."

They showed me a passage proving that I was right. That God would send sinners to a "fiery" hell.

Then I moved onto phase two. What kind of God is this? Vengeful? Merciless?

"Oh no, he's a loving God." they assured me. Yet, could not quite explain why God destroyed Babylon, Sodom & Gomorra, brought down the walls of Jericho and my personal favourite, the story of Abraham where he was asked by God to sacrifice his first-born son.

And fiery hell, oh my. This is a loving God?

Yes he is! Of course they pointed out the relevant sections in the Bible, yet did not provide any reason as to why he was so involved in human affairs back in the day, turning people into pillars of salt, appearing as a burning bush, etc. Yet in the present day, he remains woefully inconspicuous.

I was complimented a few times, "you're a thinker! I love it!" and "see? I told you he would be interesting!"

There was a moment where I couldn't surpress a smile when I was told that the Bible did indeed have scientific evidence behind it, I mean there was a passage that vaguely suggested the Earth was round, long before science discovered it. Incredible!

Of course, I pointed out the numerous ways that certain passage could be interpreted as well as reminding them of the revisions made over the years.

Still, as fun as this all was, it didn't come close to the last visit where I was told that God would bring paradise to Earth at the time of the rapture. To which I responded:

"Who wants to live forever?"

Then, a debate about how nice it would be not to die, grow old or get sick. And of course that lead to a discussion about who gets to stay at what age, what the purpose of living would be and the problem of over-population. Touche. I mean, I thought I was making some logical points.

But, the pleasure I was getting from this was miniscule. I realized as they were passionately arguing their points, that I wished I could feel as fervent and dedicated to an ideology as they were. I wish I had that "core" to fall back on when times get tough and need something that helps me feel optimistic and good about life.

I remind myself that though I am spiritual, my fragmented secular way of thinking is without much evidence to be inspired by. For those type of people, they do not need "proof" to feel so passionate about their beliefs. I admire and somewhat envy that, but at the same time I'm afraid of throwing my skepticism out the window and just believing.

Maybe I lack the conviction. Or maybe I'm just afraid of deluding myself.

But I do believe that there is a God, yet I can never settle on a definition of it or what it's purpose may be. I feel that we are all parts of it and we do share in the act of creation. Yet, just how much influence and power do we actually wield? Is there a purpose to this existence? Or is it a playground where we strive to fulfill subjectively petty needs? Just how much of our ego are we allowed to satisfy without feeling ashamed about it? Is the acquisition of money and power really such a bad thing? Are there any punitive consequences to being amoral and selfish?

Seriously, what is the point of all this?

I feel sad just thinking about it.

I want to know.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

ARRR!!!

Today was a splendid surprise. As I hesitantly pulled back the sheets on my bed and went downstairs for an awesome cup of "Black Magic", I had a look at my phone and saw a text.

"I'm in Edmonton killing time till 2"
"Come see me!"

This was from a gal named "PirateDaisy" that I have been chatting with this past week over at OkCupid. We exchanged numbers last night and made plans to carve pumpkins at my place the next weekend. But, it looks like my crazy manly charms sped up the process and I ended up meeting her for lunch at Second Cup downtown.

Upon seeing her, it was like "click" I didn't feel any shyness, hestitation or nervousness at all, I just snuck up behind her, observed that she was playing Angry Birds (as per my recommendation!) and asked her how it was.

She greeted me with a big smile and gave a hug. I was offered the remnants of a sad looking cheesecake that was all dried up (she was there for over an hour). I picked at that for a bit and teased her for a few minutes after observing her pirate fetish extended to the skull & crossbones she had stiched onto her purse.

We left to go to the art gallery, and it .. was just really comfortable being with her. She's 24, long red hair (bites fist) and I thought she was quite attractive. I opened the first set of doors for her at the art gallery and then paused while I let her open the next set for me (hey I believe in equal rights!), this prompted a lady who was handing out brochures to laugh as we came in :)

Paying 18.50 to see stuff that I've recently checked out with my ex, I wasn't too enthused about the idea of looking over the same things as I did two months ago. But it was new to her. We had a look at etchings, mediocre art by Canadian artists and there was an exhibit of oil-related photos upstairs which enabled me to point out what I do for a living.

"See this? I insulate pipes!"
"Why do pipes have to be insulated?"
(sighs)

Well, it wasn't all that bad. Niki stayed close by my side the entire time and her perfume was driving me mad. There was definitely physical attraction at work here, but .. as the date went on, I started to notice how a little out of sync she and I was. Firstly, there was the age gap.. I'm 32 and she's 24, thats eight years apart.. She wasn't allowed to watch movies until she was 10, so it was a little difficult to discuss what her favourites were, other than it being action films. But on the bright side, it means that I can still show her stuff like Tango & Cash / The Last Boyscout and not have to worry about whether or not she's seen it already.

So, we left the art gallery and sat on a bench in Churchill Square where we chatted amicably with furrowed glances towards the dishevelled and suspiciously homeless people wandering around. The conversation went well enough. Laughs were had and I felt like this had potential to be a "relationship" but .. I really didn't feel like it had the potential for anything long-term.. At least not in the way that I felt with my ex..

You know when you meet someone, you click? Well, this happened, but strangely, the effect didn't feel as complete as it did when I first met Lauren. We "clicked" sure, but it was on a level that I can't properly articulate at the moment. Maybe physically? Or perhaps as a "just friends" sort of thing? Well, no idea.. but hopefully I'll find out next weekend once Niki comes by to carve pumpkins. I'll be doing this:


.. And I'll give it to her. 'Cause what do I need another pumpkin for? Check out this beauty I carved a few days ago:



I think it came out well. Not bad for a first attempt anyways.

Tomorrow morning, I'm calling up the union hall and asking for a job. I think it's time for me to roll up the sleeves and get back to working again. It's not ideal, but I can stomach it for now. I've just about finished painting and I've gotten most of my affairs in order.. plus I'm not feeling as shitty as I have been what with the breakup and all and I feel confident in saying..

...good things are going to happen to me :)

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

fake

I dreamt of my ex last night. I was running down the hallways of what seemed to be a hospital, clean white walls, few people.. it felt like a tomb, and was just as quiet.

In this dream, I was looking.. I had a child in my arms, perhaps even Lauren's daughter and we were both trying to find her.

I don't think I did.. but I do remember before going on this search, that I saw my ex with tears streaming down her face and we were somehow seperated.

That's when I started running. As fast as I could, through narrow doorways and halls, through people even.. and at some point, I came across her daughter, who I picked up and carried in my arms.

What does it mean?

Since it's only a dream, maybe my unconscious felt that her tears symbolized regret and that my fruitless journey was an indication of wanting to be with her, but knowing it isn't possible.

Yet, the child in my arms, maybe it was hers.. I don't recall this part very well. But what could that mean?

I'm holding her child.. hostage? Or.. no.. Maybe her child and I are linked together and perhaps my ex is the one that is emotionally distant and cut-off?

I don't know. But..

It felt good to see her again.

Monday, October 11, 2010

back in 5...

Lately I've came to the realization that I have been overthinking my life. What my goals are, where I stand, who I am, what I need, what I should be doing, etc. And I've come to understand that I'm putting far too much pressure on what my expectations are.

So with that, I'm announcing a break from blogging. And perhaps even surfing the web. Just until I get more centred and relaxed with where I am. I've already eliminated gaming and have freed up a significant amount of time for myself, but it's still not enough to push me in the direction I need to go.

I had a great time last night at Thanksgiving dinner which my mother graciously hosted. An aunt and three cousins also made an appearance.

It wasn't until I was driving home that I realized how much I love my family. How grateful I am to have them in my life and that in spite of all of my problems, I still have people out there who love and care about me.

I also texted the ex, wishing her a happy Thanksgiving. Of course, she didn't reply but I don't feel any sense of regret or shame over sending it.

Today marks the 33rd day since I've last seen her and my feelings haven't changed. At all. I still love and want to be with her. Although I'm aware that we might never get back together, I don't know how long it will take for these feelings to go away.

Anyways.. I'm preparing to move onto bigger and better things in my life right now, but I don't want to over exert myself. I need to put my focus onto the things that matter most to me right now. Writing my book, finding true love and learning to love myself again.

So.. I'm going to take a short break. While I live to write, I sometimes feel like I force my thoughts and it comes out unnatural and lacking in any real insight or wisdom. At least when it comes to blogging that is, as I get the sense that people are reading what I'm saying and I'm compelled to hold certain thoughts back. I need to move past this by setting my focus free and allowing the expression of my heart to come through, rather than my ego.

This is me letting go...

For now.

Wednesday, October 06, 2010

my brain as'ploded

I don't get it.. one of the two big fights I've had with my ex involved her wanting to see other people and have male "friends" in her life.. So, after polling a few friends of mine and finding that not one of them would consent to letting their partner stray, I felt justified in feeling upset about it.

I mean, she wanted to see guys that she hardly even KNEW and for what? To build a relationship with them obviously.. of course, nothing sexual or romantic would be involved because she reassured me with: "You'd just have to trust me."

Come .. ON...! Can guys agree with this shit? Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a babysitter scheduled for a movie on the weekend, just so she can hang out with some other dude that's not you? And not extend an invitation? For reals?

I understand trust, but who I don't trust are single guys asking other guy's girlfriends out on DATES. That's inane, disrespectful and makes me want to projectile vomit razorblades onto these kind of idiots.

Then there are the girls that accept these "dates" but call it "hanging out" and then afterwards lie to your face three days later saying, "I kissed him out of curiosity" .. Beautiful. That's just great.

The reason I'm bringing this all up again, is because of a conversation I just had on OkCupid.

Here it is:

Vamprist:A person who loves you would never expect anything less of you

Vamprist:Oh I can relate.

Vamprist:I gave up my all for TN

latpack:... she did say she loved me, multiple times and I started to believe her.. but .. riddle me this.. would someone that loves you go out with other guys?

Vamprist:I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words

latpack:her thing was "we're just friends and hanging out" but the two guys she went out with, were people she hardly even knew

latpack:I believe that too...

Vamprist:Sorry she treated you that way.

latpack:thanks.. but.. O

latpack:oops.. I'm trying to understand if its "normal" for girls to do that .. going out with guys to "hang out"

latpack:for instance.. would you let your boyfriend go out with a girl who was single if he said "trust me, I'm not interested" ?

Vamprist:My best friend is a guy and we hang out often.

latpack:ugh..

latpack:see, this is what I'm trying to come to terms with.. is it a normal thing to have single, guy friends..? really?

Vamprist:I think so. Don't you have female friends? He and I dated for 3 years but it was never going to work. We're better off as friends. He's moved on and has been dating a nice girl for 8 months or so.

latpack:I have had female friends, but the attraction part always gets in the way...

latpack:So.. this is an ex then? And his girlfriend is cool with him spending time with you?

Vamprist:Yes and yes

latpack:wow..

latpack:and this is NORMAL among people? to continue seeing their ex's?

Vamprist:I mean we're not at each other's house watching a movie or anything. Usually it's coffee or a drink.

Vamprist:I'm friends with all my exes so maybe it's just my situations

latpack:hmm.. see, this is what I had a fight with my ex over.. she claimed she wasnt attracted to this one guy she went out with "as friends" but later confessed that she was curious and took him out for dinner and a movie.. then kissed him afterwards.. because she was "curious" :P

Vamprist:When you're with someone for so long and loved each other very much doesn't mean you stop

Vamprist:Caring simply because you didn't make it as a couple

latpack:thats a good point...

latpack:but what if you just start seeing someone and then blow them off saying "Im going to hang out with my ex" ? that would hurt your guy's feelings wouldnt it?

Vamprist:Your ex is a total bitch who played mind games with you.

latpack:...

Vamprist:I would never blow off my new interest. If that was the case then clearly I'm not all that interested

latpack:but.. you're friends with your ex's.. thats a bitter pill to swallow for any guy in a new relationship.. I'm getting even more confused here..

latpack:if the love of your life asked you to stop seeing your ex's, would you?

Vamprist:If they had just cause in doing so

latpack:what would just cause be?

Vamprist:They knew my ex still loved me or something like that. I had a bf tell me to drop all my friends and I did. I won't make that mistake twice.

Vamprist:But my new guy would have to trust me as I trust him and talk to me about his concerns

latpack:... the thing is, attraction will always be there between you and your ex, with the possibility that he or you will make a move at some point..

latpack:see.. this "trust" thing I don't get.. it's like "sure honey, go out for a movie with Jim tonight, I'll just stay home and watch Cops on TV while I miss you." :P

Vamprist:No not for me. Once it's ended and I'm with someone else I am 100% devoted to that person.

latpack:I really want to believe that...

Vamprist:I wouldn't go to a movie and leave my honey behind.

latpack:So you would invite your boyfriend then? See.. my ex didn't do that.. otherwise it would've been a little easier

latpack:(sighs) .. are your female friends the same way? keeping in touch with their ex's?

Vamprist:Of course I would! They are my life now and as such I'd want them around.

Vamprist:Yes a few of them are good friends with their exes

latpack:wow.. this blows my mind..

latpack:maybe I over-reacted ..

latpack:but.. damn.. I don't know of anyone in any relationship who still see their ex's without someone getting mad about it...

Vamprist:No you didn't. Your situation was way different. Your girl went on dates with these guys and did things she shouldnt have.

latpack:...


Wow.. Just wow.. what a #($*#(*@ can of worms this conversation had opened up. So, it's NORMAL for girls to keep in touch with their ex's? And to go out with guys while being involved in a relationship? What world am I living in? Life shouldn't mirror an episode of Sex In The City for fuck's sake..

Now.. what does this mean to me? Did I over-react with my ex when she mentioned wanting to see those guys? No I fucking did not.. But a conversation like the one above is really pushing me to consider my stance on this particular subject...

Then again.. another girl:


"I can understand a person wanting to 'play the field' at the beginning of a relationship and not committing fully. But I don't support or agree with the yo-yo way she treated you. Wanting you around when it was convenient and then tossing you when it wasn't. Especially toying with the 'are we together' thing is not kind or fair to you. Intentionally or unintentionally, she toyed with your emotions. And you fell for it because you cared so deeply for her. You noted all the odd and unkind things she did to you. You realize that some of the things she did, didn't notice or told you were not something a person should do if they really cared about someone. "

I don't know anymore.. my entire world is being waterboarded right now and I have no idea which way is up.

So it's normal to be friends with ex's? I'm still waiting on word regarding a couple of hypothetical (but true!) situations that I'd like to see Vampirist's opinion on. Would it be normal to accept going out to a movie with a member of the opposite-sex, who is very single while you are involved in a relationship and not invite your partner along? This is the big kahuna right here..

(update: She said she wouldn't leave her boyfriend behind)

Maybe I'm a dinosaur with overly conservative views, but I feel it's wrong..

Maybe.. I reacted appropriately...

Or maybe I didn't.. Maybe I should have trusted her.. but she later proved that I couldn't...

I don't know how to act in a relationship anymore..

I'm off to bed and this is likely to keep me up for another hour or so..

I hope I can figure this out. I have to.

off the cuff and on the record

What should my devious mind write about today? I'm stretched out on the couch right now, watching some dude eat like.. five huge ass slices of pizza on the Food Network (MAN VS. FOOD) and the smell of a chocolate cigar lingers in the air.

I just came back from messaging five or six girls on OkCupid with total randomness and unabashed impunity. I like doing stuff like that. Just throwing it out there without nary a thought about whats in it for "me".

This sort of segues into what I think a good topic to discuss would be. The importance of learning to love yourself. Yep, totally gay material for a blog called "hardcoresnuffporno", but hey, it just adds to the hilarity of it.

Well, actually learning to love yourself is way too effeminate a topic to discuss, so let's see what else my noggin' can come up with.

How about miracles? This was something I've been thinking about last night. The definition of a "miracle" as per the dictionary goes like this:

noun 1.an effect or extraordinary event in the physical world that surpasses all known human or natural powers and is ascribed to a supernatural cause.2.such an effect or event manifesting or considered as a work of god.

Now, with the placebo effect being such known and accepted phenomena, I'm left to consider the nature of a miracle and whether it should be considered supernatural in origin.

Is it? This was a train of thought I had embarked on while pursuing material for my book. Are miracles truly miracles or are they simply coincidences to events with a resolution presented in a surprisingly and not easily explainable fashion?

Considering that, cancer remission would fall into this category, should it not? It is also an accepted facet of the medical profession and is not as uncommon as one may think (1 in 100,000 cases).

So I am troubled with the thought that perhaps a miracle ceases to be one as soon as a solution or the cause of it is known. This has implications, one being that the ascension of Pope John II (yep, I am this random, suck it up) upon the day that Pope Benedict will inevitably declare him a "saint" by way of suggesting that "miracles" were performed in his presence; I can't help but wonder what the criteria is.

A quick look online has revealed this:

It is a news article discussing how a man was shot "execution style" in the head, only to survive once he had received .. *sighs* a rosary claimed to have been blessed by Pope John II.

An excerpt:

Although doctors told Aebly's family his wound "non-survivable," the 26-year-old did survive. He was released from MetroHealth Medical Center on Tuesday, just two days before the fourth anniversary of John Paul’s death.Hospital chaplain Father Art Snedeker said Aebly's condition began improving steadily after the priest gave him a rosary that had been blessed by John Paul.

Okay, so that would imply a miracle has taken place. Yet, where are the stories of other blessed rosarys, or even this particular one - having healed other people as well? I'm 100% certain that should I lay claim to having blessed an empty toilet paper tube and passed it around to hospital patients; that surely at least one person will experience a succesful recovery to which I can take credit for.

This kind of thinking infuriates me. Because I am partial to wanting to believe in God directly intervening in our lives. I have been raised on stories of the miraculous and as much as I want to uphold my faith in such matters - I remain somewhat skeptical of the idea behind Divine Intervention.

This brings up the theology behind "Divine Providence" in which an intervention by a higher power has taken place but that's a whole 'nother blog entry right there.

What troubles me, is that how .. a person can be "cured" or experience an unexpected recovery upon the premise that "God" had saved him; yet, to suggest that it was a direct intervention would raise so many other questions.

For instance. Why this person? Why not prevent WWII from happening? The holocaust? 9/11? There are surely many other events in history, including the assassination of JFK, Lincoln and Mohandas Gandhi in which God certainly should have intervened upon. Yet, he hadn't.

What about the crucifixion of Christ? Would his existence not be better served by living to a ripe, old age and continually sharing his wisdom with others? Or was his martyrdom a personal choice and not a matter of destiny?

This begs the question as to the nature of God. Is he a wise, compassionate, benevolent being capable of great empathy and will step-in to perform a miracle whenever it is called for?

Or is it all random? Or is it something else altogether that we don't yet know about?

The canonization of John Paul II is a touchy subject. On one hand, you have millions clamoring for him to be elevated towards sainthood; yet, by the church's definition: Sainthood can only be achieved once TWO miracles ascribed to the pope can be offered as proof.

So, Saint John Paul II.. has the shot-in-the-head guy and this girl going for him:


As taken from this link here.

.. I don't think I even need to summarize what the article says because it disturbs me enough to try and refrain from going off on a rant about it.

The bottom line is, the church sucks. It grasps at every possible straw within reach in order to keep itself relevant in an age where logic and reason is making it extremely difficult. More and more people are turning towards alternatives such as paganism, atheism, agnosticism and even Jim Henson-ism, of which the founder is shown here:


So yeah.. I'm annoyed right now at how our spiritual foundations are eroding with the help of the Catholic church which is being led by .. (sighs) a former member of the Nazi's Hitler Youth Party - to which I accept, that membership was not considered voluntarily at the time. Though they did probably score themselves some sweet perks, such as being able to fire grenade launchers and tattling on teachers/family members that resulted in them being executed. But I digress.

The point of all this I suppose, is to show how cynical I have become with "religion". I feel a great sadness whenever I find myself in the presence of someone who loathes any kind of religion and asserts that such doctrines are not necessary requisites in being able to lead a full and rich life.

To which, I completely and regretfully agree with. Yet, at the same time - I feel that there is something missing when religion or more accurately - spirituality - is taken out of the tapestry of an individual's psychological makeup. It is not to say that morality erodes without a strong spiritual foundation, but I think sensitivity certainly does. The ability to become empathic, loving and able to recognize that money is not everything - falters when spirituality is neutered from the psyche.

8% battery life left on my laptop, I better start reeling this in.

In the end, spirituality is always up to you. It's a choice. Do you want to believe in order coming from chaos, or would it make more sense to think that chaos came from order? I don't know.. But I don't like the way the world is right now and I think..

Something is missing...

But what?