I'm kidding of course.
But several things have been learned this evening, the source being Kim, the girl I thought I've "dumped" last week.
It's hard feigning a lack of interest in anything sexual.. waking up this morning, there was a sheen about me. A "Dave.. go get laid..." voice bounded about inside of my skull, tempting me to betray the "values" I claimed to have espoused about in my last entry.
Still though, something interesting perchance did transpire as I thought about introducing regular, casual sex into my routine regardless of how attracted I am to my partner.
One of those revelations is that I simply love having sex. There's nothing to apologize for in wanting to be with someone and making the two of you feel good on a purely physical level.
That's one.. the other being - A realization that I am more empowered and deserving of the "dream girl" that I've been searching all of my life for. Now - more than ever. This was arrived at by gauging my performance in bed.. I'm very aware of how people have sex and what measure of enjoyment that they get from it. For guys, it's as simple as a ten minute quickie done doggie-style while the lady has something lacy on. For women, it's a half hour of kissing, touching and then getting slammed by an oblong object mercilessly for a good five to ten minutes.
But I took it to an hour and a half.. again.. and from how it went tonight compared to the last time I slept with Kim - I'm pretty sure she would give this experience a 10/10.
I do take pride in knowing that. It's a bit of a relief that as far as sex goes, I won't have to hear anyone complain about how much I suck at it. And after tonight with Kim, I realized that I raised the bar in a way I haven't done before.
Part of that epiphany works like sealing a leaky faucet. I've always been an insecure person.. there was never any shortage of things for me to worry or feel ashamed about. I'm not perfect, as no one else is, but I do have shortcomings that can be difficult to overcome.
But the more I am appreciated for my ability in bed, the higher my self-esteem develops. And this, I think, would be an effective way for me to build confidence and bring myself closer to the woman that I have been searching for most of my life.
It definitely is not my ex-girlfriend that's for sure, as we've had a bit of a back and forth over the long weekend. After two-months of whining about her on my blog, I'm comfortable in saying that I've made a huge step in being able to excise her from my thoughts each day.
Of course, it took leaving a book at her place that prompted an email telling me to stop leaving shit around. I'm not happy exhibiting border-line stalker behaviour, but .. (shrugs)
After explaining my motivations (which included the pumpkins that she remained silent about) - I was able to dig a little deeper into her psyche and called her out on the parts of our relationship that I think reflected her obvious immaturity and selfishness.
There were some deep insults hurled at each other, and I'm glad that it came to this point because a lot of what I was obsessing about this girl started to fall by the wayside. Her negative qualities came out front and center and for the first time, I realized that personality / attraction-wise, she was without equal. Yet, her level of emotional maturity was in the range of severe to profound retardation.
Over the course of my sort-of-final emails, I summed up her negative qualities and she was unable to offer up a rebuttal to how poorly she conducted herself. There was a moment where I resigned myself from railing away at her, because I ran out of ammunition and she seemed to have trouble presenting any kind of reasonable justification for her actions. In short - she was in denial and attempted to re-write history. Quite unsuccessfully, I must add.
So, it's officially over. Did I love Lauren? Oh.. hell yes, I did. And I do. But, she is not there yet. She has a long way ahead of her before she is mature enough to enter into a long-term relationship with a (gasps) committed partner.
Despite the bad mouthing we both did during this exchange, she left it off with "Good luck in your future endeavours" and I replied with "Hope you get a clue. Look me up once that happens" =)
Some people just need time. For someone like her, I know I can wait.
But, I'm not going to stop dating.
Because whether or not the girl I'm meant for is Lauren or someone else..
I'll still be out there, with my head held high and my heart wide open.
I won't give up on my dreams.
It's the reason why I'm still here.
