my brain as'ploded

I don't get it.. one of the two big fights I've had with my ex involved her wanting to see other people and have male "friends" in her life.. So, after polling a few friends of mine and finding that not one of them would consent to letting their partner stray, I felt justified in feeling upset about it.

I mean, she wanted to see guys that she hardly even KNEW and for what? To build a relationship with them obviously.. of course, nothing sexual or romantic would be involved because she reassured me with: "You'd just have to trust me."

Come .. ON...! Can guys agree with this shit? Would you be okay with your girlfriend getting a babysitter scheduled for a movie on the weekend, just so she can hang out with some other dude that's not you? And not extend an invitation? For reals?

I understand trust, but who I don't trust are single guys asking other guy's girlfriends out on DATES. That's inane, disrespectful and makes me want to projectile vomit razorblades onto these kind of idiots.

Then there are the girls that accept these "dates" but call it "hanging out" and then afterwards lie to your face three days later saying, "I kissed him out of curiosity" .. Beautiful. That's just great.

The reason I'm bringing this all up again, is because of a conversation I just had on OkCupid.

Here it is:

Vamprist:A person who loves you would never expect anything less of you

Vamprist:Oh I can relate.

Vamprist:I gave up my all for TN

latpack:... she did say she loved me, multiple times and I started to believe her.. but .. riddle me this.. would someone that loves you go out with other guys?

Vamprist:I'm a firm believer that actions speak louder than words

latpack:her thing was "we're just friends and hanging out" but the two guys she went out with, were people she hardly even knew

latpack:I believe that too...

Vamprist:Sorry she treated you that way.

latpack:thanks.. but.. O

latpack:oops.. I'm trying to understand if its "normal" for girls to do that .. going out with guys to "hang out"

latpack:for instance.. would you let your boyfriend go out with a girl who was single if he said "trust me, I'm not interested" ?

Vamprist:My best friend is a guy and we hang out often.

latpack:ugh..

latpack:see, this is what I'm trying to come to terms with.. is it a normal thing to have single, guy friends..? really?

Vamprist:I think so. Don't you have female friends? He and I dated for 3 years but it was never going to work. We're better off as friends. He's moved on and has been dating a nice girl for 8 months or so.

latpack:I have had female friends, but the attraction part always gets in the way...

latpack:So.. this is an ex then? And his girlfriend is cool with him spending time with you?

Vamprist:Yes and yes

latpack:wow..

latpack:and this is NORMAL among people? to continue seeing their ex's?

Vamprist:I mean we're not at each other's house watching a movie or anything. Usually it's coffee or a drink.

Vamprist:I'm friends with all my exes so maybe it's just my situations

latpack:hmm.. see, this is what I had a fight with my ex over.. she claimed she wasnt attracted to this one guy she went out with "as friends" but later confessed that she was curious and took him out for dinner and a movie.. then kissed him afterwards.. because she was "curious" :P

Vamprist:When you're with someone for so long and loved each other very much doesn't mean you stop

Vamprist:Caring simply because you didn't make it as a couple

latpack:thats a good point...

latpack:but what if you just start seeing someone and then blow them off saying "Im going to hang out with my ex" ? that would hurt your guy's feelings wouldnt it?

Vamprist:Your ex is a total bitch who played mind games with you.

latpack:...

Vamprist:I would never blow off my new interest. If that was the case then clearly I'm not all that interested

latpack:but.. you're friends with your ex's.. thats a bitter pill to swallow for any guy in a new relationship.. I'm getting even more confused here..

latpack:if the love of your life asked you to stop seeing your ex's, would you?

Vamprist:If they had just cause in doing so

latpack:what would just cause be?

Vamprist:They knew my ex still loved me or something like that. I had a bf tell me to drop all my friends and I did. I won't make that mistake twice.

Vamprist:But my new guy would have to trust me as I trust him and talk to me about his concerns

latpack:... the thing is, attraction will always be there between you and your ex, with the possibility that he or you will make a move at some point..

latpack:see.. this "trust" thing I don't get.. it's like "sure honey, go out for a movie with Jim tonight, I'll just stay home and watch Cops on TV while I miss you." :P

Vamprist:No not for me. Once it's ended and I'm with someone else I am 100% devoted to that person.

latpack:I really want to believe that...

Vamprist:I wouldn't go to a movie and leave my honey behind.

latpack:So you would invite your boyfriend then? See.. my ex didn't do that.. otherwise it would've been a little easier

latpack:(sighs) .. are your female friends the same way? keeping in touch with their ex's?

Vamprist:Of course I would! They are my life now and as such I'd want them around.

Vamprist:Yes a few of them are good friends with their exes

latpack:wow.. this blows my mind..

latpack:maybe I over-reacted ..

latpack:but.. damn.. I don't know of anyone in any relationship who still see their ex's without someone getting mad about it...

Vamprist:No you didn't. Your situation was way different. Your girl went on dates with these guys and did things she shouldnt have.

latpack:...

Wow.. Just wow.. what a #($*#(*@ can of worms this conversation had opened up. So, it's NORMAL for girls to keep in touch with their ex's? And to go out with guys while being involved in a relationship? What world am I living in? Life shouldn't mirror an episode of Sex In The City for fuck's sake..

Now.. what does this mean to me? Did I over-react with my ex when she mentioned wanting to see those guys? No I fucking did not.. But a conversation like the one above is really pushing me to consider my stance on this particular subject...

Then again.. another girl:

"I can understand a person wanting to 'play the field' at the beginning of a relationship and not committing fully. But I don't support or agree with the yo-yo way she treated you. Wanting you around when it was convenient and then tossing you when it wasn't. Especially toying with the 'are we together' thing is not kind or fair to you. Intentionally or unintentionally, she toyed with your emotions. And you fell for it because you cared so deeply for her. You noted all the odd and unkind things she did to you. You realize that some of the things she did, didn't notice or told you were not something a person should do if they really cared about someone. "

I don't know anymore.. my entire world is being waterboarded right now and I have no idea which way is up.

So it's normal to be friends with ex's? I'm still waiting on word regarding a couple of hypothetical (but true!) situations that I'd like to see Vampirist's opinion on. Would it be normal to accept going out to a movie with a member of the opposite-sex, who is very single while you are involved in a relationship and not invite your partner along? This is the big kahuna right here..

(update: She said she wouldn't leave her boyfriend behind)

Maybe I'm a dinosaur with overly conservative views, but I feel it's wrong..

Maybe.. I reacted appropriately...

Or maybe I didn't.. Maybe I should have trusted her.. but she later proved that I couldn't...

I don't know how to act in a relationship anymore..

I'm off to bed and this is likely to keep me up for another hour or so..

I hope I can figure this out. I have to.