Well, stream of consciousness I suppose. Today I was scheduled to begin my new job, I got up in time, pulled my clothes on and picked up a few things for lunch from 7-11. But as I was doing that, a thought struck me. Why not just bail on this? The reason why is that I was told there were two orientations during the week and that I would be only one of four people there, I didn't relish the idea of sitting with three people and being up front fighting off drowsiness as I usually do.
So I showed up at the main contractor gate, met with the orientation coordinator and fed him a half-truth. Last night as I was laying in bed, I was feeling a little anxious about having to come up with a fake excuse but luckily, I stumbled across one that seemed plausible enough should I decide to go along with it.
I settled on saying that I had to go to the apprenticeship board to update my hours among other things. Sure, I could have done this on Friday or even yesterday - but I kept my fingers crossed hoping I wouldn't be probed for the particulars.
It worked, and after the coordinator assured me that it would not be a problem, I headed off for some coffee and a bit of shut eye. No regrets.
One thing I have been thinking about today, is .. how much I've been thinking about my ex. It's getting ridiculous. Every single day I'm reminded of her somehow and I still get that butterfly feeling in my stomach when my brain coughs up certain memories.
I.. don't know if I hate feeling these feelings for her and if I should try my hardest to let it go.
But the tricky part of all this, is knowing that I would be a hypocrite for saying that I loved her and .. it is so difficult to reframe my perspective so that I can go about my routine and not be thinking about her. The one I love, without feeling like I'm disrespecting my emotional attachment towards her. Even if she already had.
It is such a puzzle to try and work this out. On one hand, I'm excited about the idea of carving her two pumpkins for Halloween and leaving it at her doorstep. On the other, my mind flashes back to the last email she wrote where she asked me to stop contacting her.
I don't know which direction I should be going. Should I not fight for love? Can you love someone and not want to be with them? Would I be able to live with myself should I abandon all thoughts of her and prove myself "wrong" about having once been in love?
The interesting thing in all this, is that I'm very aware of how debilitating and unhealthy this particular fetish is. I KNOW it is not a good way of being, but I'm also thinking that perhaps I can find a way to reconcile these thoughts and still be able to carry on without feeling sad or longing to be with her.
One thing I'm afraid of, is that any sort of repression will only strengthen an unwanted emotion. The more you fight it, the deeper it entrenches itself. So, I have to conciously acknowledge these emotions, yet not allow myself to become too affected by them. This is not an easy process and it feels almost like a passive kind of resistance, somewhat in the way Gandhi once inspired among those who fought against the British salt tax.
Except this war is being fought inside my head.
This is what I am presently dealing with. The dilemma.. to love or not to love? If I choose to love, I will find joy in knowing that she may smile at the pumpkins I'm carving for her. But the other half of me is fighting for my independence, to free myself from someone that I possibly do not deserve or who does not deserve me.
I find that my ego is the cause of this misery, it is my sense of what "love" is that is keeping me chained to my ex. The definition I give towards such a word, is likely not what most people who frivolously throw about "I love yous" would honestly agree with.
To me, loving someone means to accept them for who they are. To forgive their flaws, to want them to find happiness, to do nice things for them.. but somewhere along the way it morphed itself into a question of personal identity.
I ask myself often, why do I continue to love someone who took my feelings for granted and lied to me repeatedly. Why am I loving someone who gave back so little in return? Why am I pining after a girl who gives up at the drop of a hat and is unwilling to work things out?
I don't know.
But I still think of her and .. I don't know how to make it stop.
Or if I should.
I love her madly. And unreciprocated love is the absolute worst kind there is.
This is my cross to bear.
