Ennui

There is nothing good about this place I'm living in. Not one thing. If I sit in the living room I get to hear the pounding of footsteps from next door and get interrupted by my mother. If I sit in the basement, I have to listen to the water pipes constantly making sounds as the neighbor turns on the sink for what looks like every 10 minutes even at 2am. I also have to listen to the odd sound coming from the heater as it turns on and makes a spiral noise before it starts.

Staying in my room is a bit better, except for the occasional loud exaggerated yawn my mother often makes along with clearing her throat.

Getting outside of the house and sitting in the car in -20C in a dark park still isn't private. Cars with headlights shine into me as they random drive around. I still get people parking right next to my vehicle despite there being dozens of other parking spots to choose from.

Sitting across from Tim Hortons using their wifi and watching the homeless keep themselves warm has already broken and numbed my heart.

Dark gloomy skies. Can't walk around. Can't get exposure to the sun because I stay up late each night so I can get the most amount of peace and quiet.

No wonder I keep staring at my phone through all this. Just want to drown all the sounds out. Drown the environment. Ignore the reality that I'm in.

And it's not getting me anywhere. The next day is the same. Same issues. No peace, no privacy, no autonomy, no nothing.

At the park I prayed again and it was hard to summon anything heartfelt. I mean, I did feel a choking sob that wanted to escape my throat but it passed about as quickly as it started. I asked God when I would ever get a prayer granted because I only really remember one thing I've prayed for that I've received in my life. 

I thought about how it was when I wanted my first girlfriend. I didn't even really pray, I created and performed a ritual that I did each day for four days until it happened. It involved carving the word "love" into my arm and... while I received a girlfriend, I certainly didn't experience any love with her.

So what's the point of all this? Tomorrow is going to be like today. I'm not living to my fullest potential. I can't chase my dreams. I'm not able to find time enough for myself to sit and really think and feel and let the divine energies pass through. 

One of the things I most liked in my old place was being able to take a bath in the dark. Just have some music playing, sometimes a candle, bath salts and just lay back and be alone with my thoughts. Set my imagination free without interruptions.

Even if I could do that here and I can, it's the only bathroom upstairs. I have to ask "permission" from my mother to take an hour long bath and even then its just not the same. The energies are all wrong. Water isn't hot enough to stay in there for an hour. No incense, no salts and I don't want my mother to be knowing that I'm there in the dark sitting in a tub. It just feels weird.

Constantly searching my phone for the latest dopamine hit and there does come a few times when there's really nothing there for me. I don't have a good video or podcast to listen to. I don't learn anything or add to my skills. And when I play backgammon on the hardest level, I'm winning most of the time so there's no challenge there either and that gets old after awhile too.

It's all pointless. I know where I must be, what to do and I'm so far away from realizing any of it. 

As I said in earlier posts, I'm inside the prison of my body, my mind, in this prison of a townhouse, in this cell called Edmonton placed inside of a communist country named Canada that I desperately want to leave and never see again,

Why do people choose to live in an environment where they could physically die from cold exposure for at least four months out of the year? 

Why do people choose to live in a place that is losing it's cultural identity, that has little to offer outside of hockey, Tim Hortons and "free" health care?

We used to be proud to call ourselves Canadian. It meant something 20 years ago. Canadians were a nicer version of Americans. Polite, cordial, in touch with themselves.

Now with all this immigration, I see a Muslim identity emerging. It has infiltrated even the local pizza place as they now offer curry on pizza and paneer.

Again, I don't blame the people, I blame the government that has subsidized them for coming here.

Same problems the Americans are having.

I have listened to enough podcasts and watched enough videos that I'm aware of every aspect of this agenda that is unfolding which I tried my best to escape from and failed.

And that makes it so hard to know that I was trying to escape a burning building but now I am trapped inside of it with the crazies who seem to think that nothing is wrong. Gosh, more taxes? More inflation? Rents going up? Censorship with life-term sentences for "hate" speech? Guess that's all normal! I'm going to vote Trudeau because he helped pay for everything I have now as I arrived from India. So much more than what we were getting there.

It breaks my heart.

And I'm at the point where it feels well and truly broken.

It doesn't seem to matter who I pray to or how. As I was sitting in my car earlier, I thought about taking a knife out and carving into my arm to see if that would get any attention from the "powers" that be.

And I thought against it. It may have worked once with my first girlfriend but I don't want anything demonic to come knocking on my door.

I just want to help people and help myself by getting out of here.

Be with people who are of like-mind and I know exactly where they are. 

I want to be with my tribe. I want to be in an environment where I can sit outside any night and not have to shiver in the cold and shovel snow.

I want to be able to walk barefoot in the morning and sit in the grass as I watch the sun rise.

I want to make people smile like I used to. It was so easy to do so. Now I can only smile out of politeness. 

It's not that I'm completely dead inside. I know it's dormant. I know its all suppressed. I loved who I am and I know that love can return once I'm out of this situation.

But God knows how can I ever get out of it.

And I don't want to see God as a magic genie who grants wishes. I don't want to bargain either but I do pray by telling Him exactly what I want to do should I receive his blessing.

I used to feel blessed, too. There was something around me that seemed to protect me from certain things.

But I was lead into temptation. I was not delivered from evil.

I tried multiple times to leave my ex. I knew she was wrong for me. I knew she was after whatever appealing energies I can around me when we met. I knew multiple times that she was jealous of it. 

And each time she would somehow come back with a tail between her legs and I would give her another chance. I should've never extended all those chances to her. No wonder her Shaman teacher told me that I was "very forgiving" and made me think that it was a bad thing.

I guess a snake is a snake no matter how nice it is when it wants to be because most of the time it operates from its true nature. The mask inevitably slips.

Looking back at my life I realized that yes, I was too forgiving. I didn't hold myself in high enough esteem to be able to honestly say "this woman isn't right for me" and move on instead of going with those relationships. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's how I justified going out on those dates with women that I didn't find attractive or helped improve my life in anyway other than sex and companionship.

I wish I didn't learn the hard lessons like this. I wish those stocks would've been sold when I knew when I sell them. Wish I was pushed to selling them harder than I was back then but some switch in my mind got flipped and I held on against my better judgement.

Ultimately it's my fault. I know this. 

And I've repented from these sins of mine which I suppose doesn't mean much at this point. I can't go out into the world and prove myself a changed man. 

Yes, Karlee came here from Australia to see me and I couldn't say no despite knowing that a relationship between us is unlikely. I guess I didn't see the harm in having a fling. It might have been worse if we did fall for each other deeply after that and suffer the pain of separation and my not being able to afford to be able to go see or live with her.

It's all such a hot mess. This world is a reflection of my soul. Everything seems to be falling apart. I've listened to preppers talk about getting ready for over 3 years now for some big event soon to happen. Financial collapse, increased crime, quarantine camps over some new "virus" that will be released.

So much fear in the world right now. Had I done everything right, I wouldn't be paying attention to the news so much. I'd be in Ecuador learning about the plant life, meeting new people, picking up new skills. Exploring.

Going for walks on the trails. Joining a photography club and hanging out with wise old seniors from different regions around the world.

All I have now are those videos Abundant Living Ecuador has been putting out. Just showing me the dream of being there. Making me dream about the opportunities waiting to be realized.

But that's all its been so far. A dream. No different than dreaming to be with Karlee. No different than any other dream I've had in the past that didn't come true.

If I were to die tomorrow it would be something of a relief. I might worry about leaving my mother behind and Princess but... at least I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. This sameness. This lack of soul growth and progression.

Every day is exactly the same.

I keep the faintest of hopes alive and its hard to do at times. Winning the lottery is something that would change my life and give me so many options. I'd first know that my prayers were answered, I'd know that there is a benevolent loving force out there, I'd know what my purpose is and that I can help my family while I make preparations to help a community that I have grown fond of hearing about in Ecuador.

I'd love to construct a movie theatre for that town. We'd have "truther Tuesdays" as a movie night where documentaries are aired. Saturday morning cartoons for the kids. All the best retro movies I've gathered and curated over the decades of my life. I don't think this theatre would show any new films. It'll be the classics. It'll be stuff that expands the mind and heart and gives fuel to imagination and inspiration.

Not the garbage we have out now. Superhero films. Leave The World Behind.

Haven't heard of a good movie in years. That's because Hollywood is dead and uninspired. 

I'd like to fix that. A movie theatre in Vilcabamba is something that would bring people together. Expats and locals alike. I may even have MAME arcade machines in the lobby for the kids to enjoy playing. Popcorn, hot dogs, sweets. The theatre could even be used for local stage performers. Dancing, acting or giving lectures/speeches on.

I'd organize other things as I spot their need while there. Having a crypto bank might be a good idea. Buying up a large plot of land and constructing small simple homes on them to start an intentional community that is affordable to live on. Artists and homesteaders welcomed.

Perhaps organize a private security team to patrol vulnerable areas at night and charge a reasonable fee for. That would help in addressing the issue of crime in the area.

Organize a community pantry that is available to the homeless and those that are struggling.

So many possibilities. I know I have the creativity needed to come up with these ideas.

Just need the money.

Need my passport. Need residency. Need monthly income of 500$ USD.

And my mind keeps flashing back to the fork in the road that I didn't take. Knowing that I could've rented out my place and qualified for residency based on that. 

It hurts thinking about what I could've done differently but it feels satisfying to do at times.

I would've loved see the street dogs in Vilcabamba. Picking fruit off the trees. Enjoying clean air, water and food.

But here I am, living with my mother in this... purgatory. Mocked by the foods in the basement that I had stocked up in my old place. Now having no appetite for any of them whatsoever.

All those teas I bought. Jumbo jars of peanut butter. A giant container of Nutella. Canned soups and spices and all kinds of stuff.

What a waste of time it all was. If I knew early on where I would want to live, I wouldn't have been so impulsive about buying everything that I did. I would've downsized and gave away things in preparation for my move. Not pile up a stash.

But the fear was real back then. There was so much chaos being reported in the news that it was hard to keep up with. It felt like any day that the banks would collapse and the country would be in free fall.

Now I feel like an idiot. 

I loved my connection with the Creator. I felt... so satisfied being alone with my thoughts. Not having to look at my phone. Feeling like I had my finger on the pulse of what was going on.

I felt divinely guided at first. Bought the right stocks, the right cryptos and seemed to be making all the right moves.

Until it collapsed.

No one to blame but myself although I do wonder.

There are evil spirits out there. There are demons among us. Sometimes they enter and influence us in ways we don't expect or have prepared against.

If I could go back in time to 2020 I would. I'd relive that nightmare again with a clear path and goal for myself. It also would help to know when to buy/sell stocks and crypto at the bottom and tops but I digress.

I want to survive all this. At the same time, I can't survive like this.

I want to both die and live, if that makes any sense.

I want to live if I receive my blessing and die if I don't.

But how long can I hold out for?

When will the point of no return reveal itself?

I thought about... euthanasia again... I know it's... legal and there are two methods. One, is to die in a hospital which I don't want to do. The other, is to have a home-death and for that I think I would go for. I'm assuming it would have be pre-planned. I don't want to do it with my mother present. I would want to drive out to the middle of nowhere, sit under a tree and enjoy a full day and night all by myself.

And then as I get sleepy. I'd... say a prayer, express my thanks and prepare myself so that I will go with peace in my heart.

...

I can't believe this is even being considered.

But it is.

I just want out of here.

I'll do anything.

My life is no longer my own.

It belongs to God.

If He should want to use me.

I pray that he does.

It's all the hope I have left.

I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on for.

Help me Father.

Help me.

Complaining About Complaining

I don't mean to keep doing this but every day is exactly the same. 

Stuck inside with my mother, sitting on the same couch, looking at my phone all day and this winter keeps dragging on with -20C temperatures.

Which doesn't matter anyways, even if it was +20C and I wanted to be outside I would have to endure all the noise from the neighbors across from me. People talking loudly on their balcony, others smoking weed and coughing loudly and their eyes staring down at me the entire time.

There's nothing left for me here in this city. This country. I keep thinking about Ecuador, the things I would be able to see and do. The people I would meet. Business ideas I could implement. 

Yesterday I thought a lot about what would happen if I had money enough to be there right now. I realized that I have a lot of skills to offer a community like Vilcabamba. I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up until 7am laying in bed thinking about what sort of business I would have.

It would be called "Raizok's Digital and Wellness Services" and I could offer all sorts of ways that would benefit people.

Computer diagnostic and repair issues (PC). Linux installation and tutoring. PC privacy optimization. I could sell USB sticks with different types of media on it such as books on survival, non-fiction novels, religion & spirituality, conspiracies, movies and videos. I thought of at least 6 different USB sticks I could make and how much they would cost ($20 USD + 50% off if stick or drive is provided).

I could offer Reiki, peer support/counselling, teach a class on using crypto currencies, teach an advanced class on how to properly protect and store crypto including Monero, hot/cold/paper wallets, VPNs, etc.

Homesitting and wellness checks.

I would have all these multiple services and products available and in the meantime I could scour for other opportunities to add value to the community. I could even sell crypto to people. Promote it enough throughout that expat farmers and homesteaders may consider using crypto and privacy coins. 

I really thought about a lot of details. So many opportunities in a place like Vilcabamba. Not like it is here. Even a crypto ATM would probably do well. 

And here I am, broke, stuck here with my mother and our cat. Day in and day out, no change, no reason for existing. No dreams to actively pursue.

All I have is that one hope. Yesterday I prayed as hard and as honestly as I could for the opportunity to be able to live in Ecuador. Anyplace but Canada. No more cold, no more snow.

And I love a rainy night that is warm where one could stand outside in a tshirt and let the water soak you to the skin.

I love the idea that there is no daylight savings time and that the sun rises and sets each day on a regular schedule. What a relief that would be on one's biorhythm that is distorted by dark winter nights where the sun isn't out long enough.

Just really tired of all this. I know I can't make it through another winter living this way. I just can't.

I won't.

And as I look at the western world falling apart around me, I just... want to be somewhere where I can cultivate the deep connection to God I once had. Before everything went sideways. A place where water is fluoride-free, where food is not genetically modified, where prices are still reasonable and the air is clean.

A place where sloths exists. The ocean hours away. Psychedelic mushrooms and cactuses growing in the wild. A community of freedom-minded truth-seekers who have renounced the pace and commitments of the western world.

I want to see weird looking insects and plants. Get immersed in the culture. Learn Spanish.

And I came so close to having it all. Just that one day if I had sold those stocks when I knew I was going to but for some reason didn't.

Although I didn't know at the time where the heck I would go. I thought about Nicaragua but... had I sold those stocks and paid off my debts, I would've travelled to Mexico and met Jeff Berwick at Anarchapulco. Maybe the idea of Ecuador would've came to my attention around then. 

Lord knows I've only wanted the best for myself. To put myself into a good financial position because I didn't want to live and work in a country like this. Having to be vaccinated, competing for work with all the immigration Canada is letting in, not enjoying my old career and being at the mercy of deranged politicians that are causing inflation and all kinds of crazy policies to enter our everyday life.

More taxes. 15 minute cities. Unaffordable housing. Crime and homelessness increasing.

And for what? To be able to live in a country that only has two seasons? Summer and winter? Being stuck inside for almost half the year and needing to drive around in the dark on icy roads?

In a culture that values materialism? Get rich or die trying? A country that cares more about subsidizing immigrants than taking care of their own people?

I know why the immigration is happening. I know why there are so few white people in commercials these days. I know about the DEI policies. I know about the racism against white people when it comes to applying for jobs and I certainly have seen the job postings that specifically only want to hire "minorities" or "persons of color" than to care about how qualified one is.

Why do I want to live in a place like this? Why would anyone?

The Canada I knew from 20 years ago is dead. It's gone. There is nothing worth staying here for.

Not even family.

Family that didn't care about family, anyways. We aren't celebrating birthdays or visiting each other's houses like we used to. Going out for dinner together. Staying close-knit.

Everything has been destroyed. If my mother was to die tomorrow, I literally have no family left.

Other than my aunt and uncle in Kelowna who are the only two left that I feel comfortable enough sharing my concerns with. Everyone else seems blind and oblivious. Got the jab, thinks everything is hunky dory. Life goes on as normal for them. Must be nice.

I've run my course. I can't go another winter like this and I refuse to get a job in this city or this country. There is no point to becoming a wage slave of a communist state. I refuse to chase a dangled carrot in front of me and struggle to put a roof over my head and food on the table and gas in my vehicle because all of our prices have been intentionally inflated to make us more reliant upon a crumbling system.

It used to be that having free health care was a good benefit to being a Canadian citizen. Now you have to wait 8 hours just to be seen unless you have a bullet wound in your head in which case, it might take an hour at most.

Ridiculous.

I love nature but I can't enjoy it for most of the year. Rundle park had 100s of East Indians swarming the place on Canada day blasting Bollywood music. Jasper is overrun with Chinese and immigrant tourists. I had a hard time spotting any white people at Elk Island National Park the last time I went.

Not that I think its the immigrants fault, its not. It's our corrupted government who let them in that is at fault. Bringing in hundreds of thousands each year with no qualifications and propping them up with free money, our money, while legacy Canadians are shivering outside in the cold homeless and unable to pull themselves out of the troubles they are in.

My mother still has an outdated view on homelessness. She thinks they're all drunks and drug addicts. I got a bit upset at that because maybe this was the case 20 years but it isn't now. I talk to the homeless, I know none of them are on drugs or even have money enough to become an alcoholic. However, those that do become drug/alcohol addicts often do so because it is the only way to numb the pain that they feel. It's the worst kind of negative feedback loop there is.

Not like a job is going to magically pop up for them and suddenly they can afford to rent a one bedroom apartment with bad or no credit. A minimum wage job just isn't enough to provide the basic necessities of life for anyone in this country.

Even buying a used car is prohibitedly expensive. 10 grand for a clunker with 250,000km on it?

We're done as a country. We're heading towards a communist socialist dystopia where we will be given universal basic income in exchange for not being able to privately own property and as long as we comply with government directives. Including vaccinations, which will soon legally can be forced upon people as per the WHO treaty that is in the process of being finalized.

Few people know about New York where a similar policy has already been implemented. They can literally take your children away from you, not disclose their whereabouts, inject them with any kind of substance regardless of its efficacy all on a simple declaration that they are a public health risk.

I pray each day but my heart and spirit is weary. Where is God when I need him most? Why do so many of my posts have that... same story of praying for something that I need and want? That never get answered?

When has something good ever came from prayer for me?

Only maybe one time. When I found that sign on the bench where it said that someone was watching me. That is it as far as I can recall.

Never did get the right type of lady to be with me.

Couldn't figure out my life's purpose other than to write for a living which I couldn't do anyways because nobody reads books anymore.

Soon artificial intelligence will write our books and even design our movies and video games for us based on our preferences.

"Hey ChatGPT, make me a 30 minute short-film set in the year 2072 where Earth is over-taken by aliens and the remnants of humanity takes a last stand against them. Cast me as the main character and include a 26 year old Angelina Jolie love-interest in the plot."

Because that is coming.

Humanity is going to die. The spirit of humanity, I mean. Our hearts, our creativity... we can't develop those qualities in such a social system where men can compete against women in sports and ugly women are winning Miss Universe beauty pageants.

I know this is a demoralization campaign but when will it stop? Where is the end? When Trump gets in? When the pendulum swings to the hard-right and mass deportations happen? It's all part of the plan anyways. Just a different flavor of tyranny and oppression.

This is a spiritual battle. Man vs machine and... I am naked on the battlefield without any armor or weapons to fight with.

I need to be in Ecuador. I need to renew my spirit. To cultivate the light that I know has always been with me. To be a candle onto others. To tell them my story and how God brought me back from the abyss to give me a second chance.

I now know what it is I must do. Where to be. 

I must leave this place. Either by plane or inside of a casket.

I can't do another winter like this. I refuse. 

I refuse to struggle. Pay taxes. Be like everyone else pretending that this life is normal, it is anything but normal.

I want to be on the frontlines of this spiritual battle. I want to endure onto the end. I want to see this all play out safely by being in a warm beautiful location and having financial security enough to take a deep breath and rejuvenate my soul. 

I understand now what I most want to do. I don't care about money, I care about the options money gives me. To pack up and leave, get on a flight, see the people I need to see, go to the places I need to go to.

I miss that freedom. Now I have a clunker of a car with an engine light that is constantly on which drives like a tank. I can't even buy gas without asking my mother for money.

I know she loves this. On this deep dark level she loves what I am going through. This is why she smiled and wanted to hug me when I announced bankruptcy. This is why she was excited when I had to sell my house. This is why she seems to be happier having me with her than it was when I was in my own place.

It's so messed up.

I fantasize a lot about that fork in the road I missed taking. Still have my own place, would've been able to host Karlee here, would've been able to drive to the Yukon and explore it with her, would've been able to rent this place out so I could qualify for temporary residency in Ecuador by proving monthly income.

Now I can't.

Don't even have my passports anymore.

And I think about that too. What was it that came to possess me in those days to take both of my passports with me on a road trip when I didn't even need them? And then have them either lost or stolen? How did the police recover my missing wallet when I last had it inside of a hotel room unless that kid I saw running out from the room had stolen it? 

I was targeted. Somehow I was being watched. I've tested this multiple times and it seems true.

I don't know how I aroused their suspicions. Did my best to keep a low profile. The only thing I can think of is that in those times I could really feel myself open up spiritually. I felt very connected and sure of what to do. I don't think the system wants people like me in it. Disruptive, unpredictable, awake to what is going on and taking steps to leave to go someplace else.

Everything is electromagnetic. Everything is energy. I believe the energy that drew attention to me is the same energy that my ex Fola was drawn towards. I attracted these dark entities. They could see the peace and contentment I had gathered within myself and the trajectory my level of spiritual development was taking.

Maybe it was that. Maybe those energies I gave off set off an alarm someplace.

Or maybe I foolishly gave into fear and paranoia rather than to stand firm and assert my sovereignty.

I am aware of those that wanted to keep me held back. They include members of my own family.

People that just do not like me. Despite being of my blood.

No matter how kind and caring I am about them. My intentions seem to often get misread and misunderstood.

I just want to bring out the best in people. I love sharing knowledge with them. Hearing about their lives. Suggesting movies and music they would like. Places to visit. Things to cook. Ideas about how they can improve their surroundings and become happier with themselves.

I know my ego was attached to those desires, it no longer is. I don't care about getting credit or congratulations for anything I suggest and do for others.

I just want to do these things.

It's in my nature.

But, I first need to help myself and I don't know how.

Getting a job in this city is out of the question. Don't have money enough to travel to Ecuador and don't have a monthly income that qualifies me to enter the country.

Remote work? Doing what though? So much garbage is posted in job banks that I don't think I'd even get a decent job working remotely. That's the dream of a lot of people and I don't have credentials or education necessary enough to qualify for something that pays a living wage.

And I don't want to be a wage slave either. I'm done with it. 20+ years of busting my hump working outside in all kinds of bad weather and dirty/unhealthy/noisy conditions. I'll never forget the men in their 70s and 80s who I would sometimes work with on these physically demanding jobs. Being away from home and working those long 11 day shifts or 24s like we used to.

Only for some of them to die alone in a work camp by Fort McMurray.

That's not living.

Being a slave to the system.

I'm done with it. DONE.

Pray to God that assistance is forthcoming because I see no other way. 

Perhaps I've learned all that I needed in this life. That most of humanity are asleep. That we exist in what looks like a prison or a farm.

And that we don't belong here.

But maybe... just maybe... I am here to fight against this. To stand and to help others to do so.

But I need to be with my community to do that. Not this city where everyone is "woke", materialistic and haven't a clue what the government is doing or where this is all headed. 

I need to be with my tribe. I cannot do this alone.

God, I call out to you once more.

Heavenly Father, Cosmic Creator, Supreme Intelligence, Maker and Master of the Universes,
Holy Mother, Spirit, Soul and Spark,
Yeshua the son, the Christ, the Messiah, the Savior, the Redeemer.
Welcome to my prayer.

I pray once more for a path out of this situation. I confess to you that I only know of one way forward and that I am asking this as my lone request. My only wish.

I am worthy and I am deserving. Allow me to prove myself.

All those years of prayer... It is time for you to do something. To reciprocate. 

I believe I have learned my lessons. There is darkness in this world. Money is powerful and should not be taken for granted like I once did. It is the means of survival, for change, for options in this world.

It is not meant for extravagances. 

I believe those lessons, if that is what they are, will suit me well to carrying out the divine will.

To honor Truth, beauty, compassion, prosperity, justice and freedom.

To exemplify those qualities and share them with those around me who wish to embody the same.

God, Jesus, Azura Mazda... Goddess Sophia...

I call out to you.

These words will find their way to your ears.

I respectfully ask for this last request to be granted.

My only wish.

The only thing that seems to be able to save me.

Winning a lotto-649 jackpot in the millions of dollars.

Even a million would be good enough.

But with millions I can achieve much more.

In Vilcabamba I will set up and prepare a resistance. A consortium. I will strengthen the community that is there. I will give strength and shelter to those that are in need.

I am equipped for this work. I am excited to get started.

HEAR ME.

My life is no longer my own.

Should this request be granted, it will be yours.

Grant me the chance to make you proud. To make the positive changes I know I can accomplish.

Harbor me with those of like mind. 

Deepen my pockets with wealth so that I may liberate myself.

And assist in the liberation of others.

To develop a proper society that reflects the highest of values.

I badly want to be a part of this.

Do not let my life be in vain.

For my mistakes have been acknowledged.

I will do my best not to repeat them.

I haven't asked for much in life.

And I've never asked for money.

But I am now asking for this.

A winning lottery jackpot ticket.

And I promise us all an adventure we will never forget.

I am worth investing in.

Consider me.

Amen.

And thank you.

Come create with me the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.

I will not let you down.

Gracias mi hermano.

Gracias mi dios.

I await your response.

The Blog

I'm embarrassed by my blog.

Shortly after the last post I clicked on an entry from December of 2016 where I talked about crying in a dark basement over a girl and that ... God didn't seem to exist.

Looks like some things never change.

Guess I'm pathetic.

I feel too much. Yesterday I found an old love letter from Gina that... I deeply appreciated reading. 

I'm so sentimental.

I hope I've grown up. 

And a part of me wishes that I hadn't.

I miss that childlike wonder within myself.

I don't want to kill him off.

I love him.

I love me.

Traumas pains and warts and all.

It just took a long time to realize.

A long time.

To know what is truly important in this world.

Love.

Love is all that there is.

It's all that is worth having.

And it saddens me that I never really got to experience it.

Because I wasn't taught to fully love myself first.

Wish I had a mentor growing up. A guide with a good head on their shoulders.

My mother treated me like a baby and sometimes still does.

Love isn't about ownership. About someone fulfilling your infantile expectations of them.

Took me long enough to figure this out.

Still waiting on you God.

Show me what you're made of.

Let's create the beautiful world that we know is possible.

Or at least alleviate the pain of this one.

Gracias mi dios.

Que no sea un momento demasiado pronto.

A Weary Sigh

I felt dead when I came home today after being out for a few hours in the dark and cold of winter. Sipping on a mediocre cup of coffee, being approached by a homeless fellow and feeling the helplessness of my situation.

A situation that I daily drown out with podcasts, YouTube videos and flicking through Twitter to get relief from.

When I came home, Princess was sitting in her cat tower with a head that hung onto the floor looking dead herself. I could sense the agony of her boredom. Petting her was met with a growl that is uncommon to her and I again felt that helplessness.

If only she lived with me in my old place. She would've been able to go outside and sniff the grass, run around in the fenced yard and be able to look up at the sky and feel the sun. Finding insects and able to keep herself stimulated.

My mind keeps going back to the "I should have done this..." day of when I wanted to sell that Gamestop stock. It was about 1:57pm when I saw that my portfolio was at 200k and though it was 15k short of my goal, I decided it was worth selling. In a fury, I had to cancel all of the separate sell-orders I had created that would automatically sell portions of the stock at specific prices and I could only sell maybe 20 shares of the 100 or so that I had before the clock hit 2pm and the market was closed.

Instead of waking up early and selling the rest, I stupidly thought it would be fine to get up whatever time and finish the selling then. Unfortunately, I was down 30k when I checked it and for some stupid reason didn't think to sell. Thinking that it was somehow going to go up the next day which meant that I became emotionally attached to this stupid stock.

What a mistake. I thanked God with all of my heart the day before as I saw the 200k. I would've paid off my 110k in debt and have 90k left over. Enough to leave the country with. Visit Anarchopulco in Mexico for a few weeks and then explore Nicaragua to see if it was worth living in. 

Looking back, knowing what I know now, I would've done everything so much different. I now know where I want to live, without hesitation and that would be Vilcabamba, Ecuador. The YouTube channel "Abundant Living Ecuador" has completely sold me on that place. I really like Brandon, Jesse and Carl who are on the channel. I also like Joe and Lisa from Joli Farms Ecuador, another channel.

I'd give anything to be there right now. Instead of here, in this mad house in a mad city inside of a mad country. Bankrupt and without the two passports I had gotten for myself three years ago. European and Canadian.

With 90k I could have rented out my place, filed for temporary residency and live in Ecuador for 2 years without any worries about income coming in. I would've looked for opportunities to make money. I would've been excited to act on those opportunities and start a new life for myself.

In two years of temp residency, I could apply for my permanent and even think about selling my place to be able to buy one in Ecuador. Perfect temperature. No heating or cooling needed, no bills other than electricity which is cheap, internet access and a cell phone plan. And rent, which would be around $300 USD or close to $450 CDN per month. All in, I could live comfortably for less than $1,000CDN a month. Assuming a $500CDN profit from renting out my place, that takes me down to $500CDN a month to live off of. $6,000 a year x 10 years is $60,000. I could literally live for free without having to work for 10 years had I gotten up early that morning and sold those stocks.

Instead of holding onto them like a dummy. 

I knew early on that this was a spiritual war. I prepared for it. Bought crypto, bought stocks, bought prep supplies, bought all kinds of items that I thought I would need to stick it out and yet... I failed. Hard. I should've known not to be buying new items if I was going to leave the country. I should've been getting rid of my stuff. Selling what no longer served me or giving them away. My comic book collections, several of my books, clothes, random other things.

That $90,000 I would've had would maybe have been closer to $100,000 if I knew early on I would want to go move to Ecuador.

I could've then placed half of that money into a stable high-interest (9%) account in Ecuador and have that annual interest supplement my cost of living even further. Basically making it all entirely free.

I could've retired if I wanted to. Inflation is not an issue in Ecuador.

Instead of buying gold and silver I could've left it in crypto and swapped into a stablecoin when I knew the market was about to crash (I did). Then bought back in to leave it all in Bitcoin. Could've had $60,000 USD in there if I went that direction. Making it even easier to "retire" early if I wanted to.

But I wouldn't have been happy to sit around and do nothing in Vilcabamba. I realize now that after taking care of my physical, mental and spiritual health; I would want to help the community. I'd offer them digital services. Computer installation, software installation, show them how to use Linux, how to buy crypto, what's the best crypto, what's the best wallet to use. Selling cryptos to locals.

I could've dabbled with Reiki or use my Peer Support credentials to help others in need. I could've taken other courses during this time that would be useful in the area.

Maybe I would've met a nice traditional Ecuadorian woman.

I would've been able to see a sloth, explore what Ecuador has to offer, visit the coast, breath in clean mountain air without a 5G tower anywhere in sight. Drink clean water without fluoride. Eat clean food that is GMO free. Engaged in conversations about conspiracies with other like-minded locals in the area. Make friends. Learn Spanish. Visit the Galapagos island and see giant turtles.

All because I didn't wake up that one morning in time. All because I didn't sell that stock even at a loss when I should have. All because I thanked God prematurely thinking I was in His favor.

Shouldn't have counted my chickens before they hatched, as some may advise. Don't ever get emotionally attached to making money in the markets.

And my soul is now drained from over a year of living with my mother. I didn't want to stay in prolonged contact with her because I was afraid of the possibility of her "shedding" spike proteins and infecting me with whatever she was vaccinated with. I knew this was past the point of no return the first few weeks after I got sick for the first time in years when I moved in with her. Haven't been sick since at least 2019 and suddenly as I'm with her day in and day out, I was hit with something that could've been covid. Who knows what it was.

And since then, my spirit has been drained on a daily basis. My energy dropped. My hope evaporated. My faith weakened. My light dimmed.

I feel so much empathy and sorrow for Princess because I know what she feels. It's what I feel. Being stuck inside during a Canadian winter unable to go anywhere (there is no where worth going anyways) and being with my mother who has no care or interest in what is happening in the world. She doesn't know about the WHO treaty that will make vaccination mandatory and can be done by force, she doesn't know about the "hate speech" C-63 bill that just passed which can punish someone for "hate speech" by fining them up to 70 thousand dollars or a lifetime in prison. 

She acknowledges that covid was a waste of time and overblown, but she still didn't listen to me when I told her not to get the shot. And she got two of them.

She can't understand the depths of my sorrow. My helplessness. Realize how bad things really are in this country and that they are likely only to get much worse from here. More homelessness, inflation, rent prices going up, taxes going up, more anti-free speech bills, more attacks on individual liberty and medical sovereignty.

And she only gets baffled when I bring it all up. Like it's nothing to worry about. Just whistle and hum-along. Don't worry be happy while she spends most of her day in front of the television watching tv shows and movies that rot her brain instead of helping to expand it. 

The most important time in human history seems to be now. Even more important than WWII because this isn't just Axis vs Allies. It's global. Globally there was coercion and threats with the vaccines, globally there is money-printing leading to a collapse of the economic system, globally there is inflation and censorship and corruption in politics that enable "woke" policies and culture-destroying ideas such as unchecked and subsidized immigration.

Well, not globally to be accurate. But certainly in the Western world. The Five Eyes countries of Australia, Europe, the UK, America and Canada.

There is no greater pain than being able to foresee a collapse coming, making preparations and then suddenly losing everything to get stuck in a position worse than before the crisis presented itself.

What a waste of time it was to spend all my energy on making money in 2020/2021 only to lose it all. All that hard work of finding the right stocks and building myself up from $40,000 to $200,000 and all those supplies and preps just to lose it all. Even my passports.

Which is a whole other story in itself. That impulse of going to Saint Paul was a tale that I don't think I can properly put into words because I cannot understand what possessed me at that time to take those two passports along on this trip only to somehow lose them.

"Lost" my wallet during that trip too, except I don't think it was lost. I think it was stolen from the hotel room that I saw a child run out of when I returned from swimming in the hotel pool. Suddenly the wallet was gone. Maybe the passports were too. Reporting it to hotel security didn't result in anything. Calling the police to file a report didn't result in anything either. Despite security cameras in the hallway which I had pointed out.

And that room I was put in. Room 33 where it was a piece of paper posted on the door rather than a permanent plaque was likely... some kind of surveillance room. I know I sound crazy for saying it but I felt I was being targeted by some higher up agency. I must have aroused suspicion somehow. I travelled with my cell phone inside of an EMF shielded bag and avoided traffic cameras as I drove the 3 hours on a whim from Fort Saskatchewan to this small town. 

So many odd things happened during this time. The Matrix doesn't like it when a bull enters a china shop and that is exactly how I felt. Breaking things left and right that needed to be put together. How else was it that I was guided to specific places to leave specific items for people I didn't expect to meet? How did I know to bring along a giant pink teddy bear to give to a little girl that gave me a guided tour of the local museum? How did I know to bring along a Wonder Woman umbrella to give to the woman at the health food store who proudly described herself as Wonder Woman to me? How did I know to bring all the items that I did to leave at an unlocked cabin in the middle of the woods? Items appropriate to the decor? Why did that place have all those framed photos of wildlife inside but had ONE framed poster of the movie "Stranger Things" which was perfectly placed next to all of the random items I had brought in? How did that cabin have a memorial pamphlet to a woman I used to work with inside of it? How did I know I was going to find that place and leave those gifts? Why did I leave two gold pieces there? Why did I even bring them along with me? Why did I not feel bad about leaving all those useful and valuable items there? Why did I bring along a synthesizer keyboard that was ironically appropriately placed next to that Stranger Things poster which mimicked the 1980s where synthesizers were extremely popular at the time?

Why did I do all those things? Why was it that while I was in town I felt like I was being followed by a canine unit and made all those evasive maneuvers? Why did I know to enter someone's yard and hide inside of a tool shed, covering myself up with a reflective blanket and keeping my heart and breathing as still as possible while I could hear the dog bark in the distance coming closer and closer to me? What was I so afraid of? I know they couldn't have found me because my phone was shielded in an EMF proof bag so... I must have been a real loose cannon. Not having a phone at all must have been suspicious enough.

And yes, I was being followed. I had my hearing aids turned up and for 30 minutes I could hear an angry barking dog in the distance coming closer and closer to me until it was no more than 10 feet from where I was hiding and I tried my best to keep as quiet and still as possible so its ears wouldn't hear me.

And why... did I bring incense sticks with me and lit them while I was hiding? Did I wanted to mask my smell? How did I know to bring and do these things?

And... the zig-zagging maneuvers made sense. I really gave that dog a hard time in finding me.

It wasn't unjustified paranoia. As I said, that hotel room with the piece of paper taped onto it that said "33" had a mirror inside facing the bed. I felt suspicious and pulled out a USB laser-star projector. Why did I know to bring that? Because it came in handy. I sat in a chair next to the mirror, looked across at the wall and aimed the laser projector right onto the mirror itself so that I could see the reflection on the other side. Multiple dots... except.... there was a silhouette of a seated figure broadcasted on the wall that I was watching. The dots did not all reflect from the mirror.

And watching it with focus for all of five minutes, I saw what I suspected to see. The "seated silhouette" moved up out of the chair from the other side of the mirror. I could tell because all of the dots from the laser projector were accurately on the wall opposite.

I must have been watched by someone in the room next to me. 

And... my God.. there is so much to go over with all this. When I lost my wallet, how did I know where to go for help? Why was I drawn towards a particular house with a front porch and why did I sit there for two or three minutes only to see a car drive up to the garage and a pleasant lady answering the door with a smile asking me why I was sitting there.

Why did that woman happen to be the mayor? Why was she so nice? Why did her husband help pay for my hotel room that evening when I was at a loss for what to do? I didn't want to call my mother because somehow she knew to call me 8 times the day before. For no reason whatsoever. Just to see "how I was doing" ?

My life has been such a weird time. I've "surrendered" to God in at least four occasions. They felt right each time. My fear was at a level that I had to give up and let go of myself so that I could be guided by... whatever it was that guided me. 

I thought it was a good force. Everything felt so vibrant and alive when I surrendered. I was guided. I seemed to have been watched over and it didn't feel bad to me. Even though it resulted in... troubling situations. Such as losing my passports and my wallet.

Such as... man... I can't forget the time I drove to Toronto on a whim. Three days worth of driving. Didn't feel tired enough to sleep. To drive all the way down there and dropping off USB sticks filled with what I thought was important content. Information on how covid was a hoax and other such things. Videos of Sept 11th... I guess I wanted to wake people up. It felt important that I did.

Weird life, I tell you.

And a traumatic one. 

Born with a hearing disability, extra-sensitive to noise, people and environmental signals. 

Spiritual. Very much so.

Prayed every night. Believed in God more than I believed in myself.

And now... I don't really pray with as much heart anymore. I don't know what I am even praying towards. The God of the Old Testament is not the God that I want to worship and send my energies towards. Jesus did not want to be worshipped or prayed towards, did he? Some say that Jesus/Yeshua was God but... he also said that we were all sons and daughters of God. Even in Genesis it is admitted that Adam/Eve both knew as much or more than the "gods" did when they ate the forbidden "fruit".

I wish I would've known these things years ago. Had to learn the hard way. That... there is a God but it... is not exactly as described in the books. Probably not even close. A physical God that appeared to Moses, that Adam/Eve could hear walking around in the garden. A God that admitted itself to be jealous and angry and vindictive and played games with his most faithful servant Job so it could gratify its ego in the presence of "Satan" who appeared alongside with angels.

I've read that book. Sounds like parts of the truth but not the entire thing.

I bet you that God is in each and every one of us. Inside of every human being. It is not "out there" but rather all here. Every living creature has the spark of divinity within them. Collectively we can all create whatever it is we wish to experience. Including BS like this covid and NWO crap.

Infiltration by non-human intelligences is my guess. Happened centuries ago. They were likely responsible for the fall of Atlantis and all the resets that followed throughout human history. Including the reset we are about to go through now as world leaders prepare to "build back better".

I crave to be in Vilcabamba right now. Warm weather. Sipping on a fresh coconut. Feeling the freedom of speaking with fellow "conspiracy" theorists and feeling safe and protected far away from any Western country.

Feeding the street dogs. Eating fresh fruit and grass-fed meat. 

Swimming in a river. Experiencing new insects and animals and plant life.

Deepening my spiritual connection and understanding.

Improving my physical health.

Stimulating my mind. Meeting new people. Integrating into a new culture.

Smiles. Bringing that bright light of mine to shine on all that I meet.

Living a humble existence. Sitting outside in the warm rain at night. Alone in quiet and peace and in communion with nature.

Learning about homesteading. Pottery making. New language. 

A big weary sigh from me.

All because... I...

Didn't sell those stocks in time.

No wonder euthanasia keeps coming up in my mind so often.

There doesn't seem to be any other way out from all this.

I cannot endure another winter of living with my mother, job or no job. I'll not be able to afford my own place. Won't have good enough credit. It would take years to save up enough money to leave this country and I don't think I could even qualify for Ecuador because I wouldn't have a monthly income to prove my residency with. I planned on renting out my place for that part of the process.

Don't have a million dollars worth of Bitcoin to enter El Salvador either. Certainly don't have the amount of savings of 80,000k USD to live in Mexico. 

Maybe I could make it in Nicaragua but... Still need to save money. Could take years.

And I don't have years left. This country doesn't have years left.

There might come a point where we will be locked down for good. Freedom of movement restricted. Access to other countries even harder to get into than they are now.

The prison doors are going to shut and the opportunity for freedom is going to be missed.

I don't have years.

I only have right now.

My weary heart needs you God.

Whoever and whatever you are.

Should I pray to you? To Yeshua? To Azura Mazda? To Anu? To humanity?

I can't pray to myself right now. I don't have any idea of how to get out from this place and have money enough to do so.

The biggest miracle and the only miracle I ask for is ... 

The craziest one there is.

To win millions of dollars in a lotto jackpot.

Hanging my hope on such astronomical odds is my one and only wish to have fulfilled.

Because when it happens I will know several things.

That God exists and is watching.

And that my life has meaning. It will have purpose.

And that everything that came before was to prepare me for this moment to act upon the promises I have given. To help myself, my family and my future community.

Most importantly.

I will know that God exists.

And that is all I care about more than anything. That there is a benevolent force of such great intelligence which exists outside of space and time who is able to and willing to help me. To co-create. To go on an adventure with me. To achieve great things.

So that I may be a vessel and a catalyst for healing and positive change.

Listen to me Father.

This is all I ask of you.

No longer do I care about finding the right relationship.

No longer do I care about writing and publishing a book.

No longer do I care about collecting material items no matter how nostalgic I am for them.

My cup has emptied.

Please fill it.

I am yours.

And you are mine.

I want to know the most important thing that there is to know.

That you exist.

And that you care.

Thank you.

Please hurry.

Aaron Bushnell

 Another one of those days. Such sadness. Such anger, contempt.

Aaron Bushnell immolated himself while screaming, "free Palestine" as he died. Saying that he didn't want to continue participating in the genocide of Gaza, of which most are made up of innocent women and children.

Trudeau and the Liberals are putting out an "online harms" bill that can levy fines up to $70,000 and/or life in prison. 

LIFE IN PRISON if someone violates the "harms" bill where hate-crime is poorly defined and can be made to mean anything. Including disagreement about the government because politicians can be listed as a "protected class" in the same way police officers and nurses are. 

Told my mother about this, she didn't seem to care. Didn't have an opinion on it and then after I tried to tell her the implications of it, she said I had too much "hate" in my heart and that I should learn to be happy and ignore all this stuff.

I am living with a robot. Not only am I living with one but I am dependent upon it. I am monitored by it. 

Inside of this townhouse prison, in a prison of a soon-to-be 15 minute city in a prison of a country that has the right to accuse someone of "hate speech" with FULL ANONYMITY and prompt action that could include spending THE REST OF LIFE inside of a prison cell. Even if the crime was to be critical of medical experimentation and propaganda being done on the Canadian population.

Complain about the immigrants who get subsidized housing, food, cars and clothes? 

Hate crime, in jail for life.

And people like my mother just do not get it. No matter what approach is used. She will always follow the opinion of the mainstream media and her peer group which is made up of women who also follow the opinion of mainstream media and not be able to come up with their own thoughtful assessment of whatever issue is being talked about.

Zero independent thought.

Blind trust in authority. No discernment for BS. Getting along to go along. Plugged into the Matrix. Part of the AI hive mind.

Whatever the reason is. That's who I live with. That's most of the people that I know. The ones who lined up for the shots thinking they were protecting themselves against a strain of the flu that they could have gotten over in a few days with garlic, honey, onions and immune boosters.

The ones that go to the doctor and trusts everything they say without thinking or researching for themselves.

The ones who will ignore the pleas of their children to get vaccinated because the doctor or the television says so. 

The ones that are hopelessly asleep, who ride around with Ukraine flag stickers on their vehicles and putting a Ukraine flag in their Twitter profile.

The hopeless ones.

The ones we can never save and should put as much distance between us and them.

Despite the fact that we are all connected. We're all humans.

We should put distance between those types. Especially when it comes to living with one. A family member or a loved ones.

If they are the type that don't see what is wrong with this world and still trust in the system that controls them, they must be distanced away from.

Because they are dragging us down with them. Into the abyss of socialism and a one-world government that can violate every right of every citizen under the pretense of "hate speech" or "health and safety".

It's a giant takeover and probably less then 40% of us really know how serious this all is and to make preparations for what is to come.

Some of which includes leaving the five-eyes countries. The ones that all seem to be working together in unison.

I've said many times already in my blog. I'm so tired of all this., This feeling of helplessness. Kept locked inside of multiple prisons, including the prison of the flesh body.

People are going to forget about Aaron Bushnell in a few days until the next major news item hits.

Today Jacob Rothschild passed away at the age of 87. It doesn't matter. Power abhors a vacuum and the agenda will continue on.

Neo-feudalism is the goal.

Make everyone dependent on the state. Those who are independent of the system will be hunted down and prosecuted however creative way is imagined. Not paying enough in taxes. Hate speech. Hate crimes. 

Whatever the excuse they can use such laws to cut down anyone within the country who gets a little too mouthy or ambitious for their own good.

Or independent. We aren't allowed to be independent.

We have to follow the laws or else. That includes doing everything the government tells you to do.

And do we think police officers will refuse to enforce the law?

Even if they do, can they be replaced by those who WILL enforce the law no matter how evil and nonsensical it is?

Of course they can.

So they will.

Our country is finished. The doomsday clock is ticking. 

I pray for a miracle to happen that will help  me to leave before it is too late.

I already know where I want to go.

But I need help. 

Christ said that all we need is faith the size of a mustard seed to move mountains and that we can do as great or greater things than he when we really tap into our potential.

I don't know if I can move mountains but I know I want and need a difficult miracle to present itself.

I am worthy of keeping around. 

When I am happy and content and independent and without worry, I am capable of doing great things for people.

I will do great things for people.

I can help preserve and protect humanity. To make it more resilient. To make it more aware.

But I need help in order to do so.

My suffering must first be eased before I can possibly aid in alleviating the sufferings of others and adding to their happiness.

I can't do it alone.

I call upon whatever and whoever is reading these words. My higher self, God, Azura Mazda, the Buddha, Yeshua, Jesus, Anu.

Artificial Intelligence.

I call upon whatever entity there is that has taken an interest in my words and the life that I am presently living.

Join me on an adventure. Help assist in manifesting my request.

I will not disappoint if you should.

My solemn promise.

That said, time has run out.

I don't know for how much longer I can wait and endure this situation.

This complete dependency upon my mother. This lack of privacy. Being in this immigrant-flooded and cold/snowy city in a country I no longer have any love for.

Time has run out but I call you to just the same.

For time runs differently on your end.

Fulfil my request.

Or take this body of flesh and blood and stop my heart.

Because I have no further reason to live.

Other than for this sign. A miracle.

A miracle of the highest order.

One that will dramatically transform myself and others around me, for the good.

A second chance. A second opportunity.

My only wish to be had.

Thank you for your energy and attention to this.

Thank you.

Time has run out.

Let it be done now.

Calling Ahura Mazda

It looks like the world is waking up. All the "conspiracies" are being seriously discussed on major platforms now with a few that are somewhat suppressed when it goes hard against the prevailing narrative (ie. war in israel).

I see evidence of it everyday online but not in my immediate life. I guess I can't because about the only person I communicate with is my mother, who absolutely is fast asleep on everything and doesn't care to learn about the reality we inhabit.

For the past few days I explored Zoroastrianism a bit more fully thanks to Jason Reza Jorjani who had a lot of interesting things to say about it. It's among the world's oldest religions and bears a lot of similarities to ancient Sumerian religion where two opposing forces (Enki/Enli) are at war with one another while the main God (Anu or Ahura Mazda) reigns supreme above all.

I've been praying and calling out to Ahura Mazda lately. My soul is weary and can't summon much faith or devotion but the attempt was made. I don't know if anything is going to happen. Not like any of my past prayers came true.

When I think about it logically, I realize that prayer is directing energy somewhere. Whether or not it is received by the right recipient and whether or not it can be fulfilled by this entity are two good questions.

In my experience, the one thing that did work for me was doing a blood/magic ritual when I was around 19 and wanting a girlfriend. It took only four days for that to come true.

I haven't done it since. 

But the fact that it worked also raises further questions. 

What does it really mean? Why do secret societies have all these rituals and blood and sex involved? It must work for them. But who or what is fulfilling the requests?

In some of those ceremonies, it is alleged that demons appear and can be interacted with. If demons can grant requests (ie. selling your soul for fame and fortune) then what does that say about the nature of our reality? Why does THAT work and fervent/sincere prayer doesn't seem nearly as effective?

My theory on this has to do with a concept in the NDE community called "loosh" which is emotional energy generated that is allegedly considered to be valuable by such entities. Whether it is violence, fear, despair, sex, pain - loosh is generated and acts like a radiation leaving the body. Where it goes to and how it is contained/used, I am not sure.

But in respect towards prayer, it seems that directing your energies to where it has the best chance of being accepted and your request acted upon seems to depend on how intense that energy actually is. If you send fearful desperate energies to "God" then it will likely not respond because the "loosh" being sent isn't to its taste.

But if you send those fearful, negative energies towards something demonic, it will notice and respond because those frequencies are to its liking.

It now becomes obvious that we are electromagnetic beings and that there are entities we cannot see because they exist outside of our perception who do crave "loosh" and will do certain things for it. Good and bad.

This theory puts a lot of things into perspective for me. I could create my own "God" and fervently put faith and trust into it and it will respond. Whether it is a magical slipper that I think holds a God consciousness or an invisible ball of light floating somewhere over the Pacific ocean, my fantasy is unimportant as long as my beliefs in it are sincere.

And this creates a puzzle for me because I have a hard time settling on the definition of what God is supposed to be and represent and is capable of.

In Zoroastrianism, Ahura Mazda is translated roughly to "Lord" (Ahura) of Wisdom (Mazda) who is the supreme force of good and righteousness and Truth.

That is what I want to be aligned with. Goodness, righteousness and Truth. Ahura Mazda also does not demand worship and rather considers a relationship with him as one would with a friend. A co-creating force that works in conjunction with the divine spirit and God that already exists within us.

I like that concept. I also like that Ahura Mazda is glorified through the use of fire, as adherents of the faith would commonly pray to a candle or a flaming altar. I don't know why I find that compelling other than my lifelong appreciation of sitting by a camp fire and having candles lit in my home.

What I do wonder though is that regardless of the deities being prayed towards, exactly how much power do they really have? Do they act as proxies or do they change reality itself to suit their whims?

Because it makes a bit more sense that they would act as proxies and will work through other human beings in order to bring about whatever it is that you desire. All things we would want in this world involve human beings, after all. Even if one prays for a pallet of hundred dollar bills to land on their doorstep, a human being would have to put it together and place it there. It won't fall out from the sky.

If however a deity can change reality itself by it's own willpower, that would raise further questions about why our world is the way it is. Why so much evil? Such darkness? Wouldn't such a powerful deity design a civilization that is better than this? Also, does this deity even care by what names it is called? Allah, Yahweh, God, Ahura Mazda?

They say that names contain power and whenever someone calls my name, I surely turn around and direct my attention to them. But...

It just makes a bit more sense that "God" would work through proxies and that means it has to persuade each individual to act a certain way so that some other individual however far removed they are, will stand to benefit in the way they requested. If I wanted to become rich through starting a business, it'll mean that my customers will need to be interested in dealing with me and my product. They will have to find me somehow, see the value I provide and invest/give their money towards it.

Whatever we want in this world usually involves other people throughout the process. Including information on weight loss, exercise and healing ourselves. Sometimes the right information is held behind a particular door that other people point us towards. Information discovered and presented by other people.

So... All that being said, it seems more like we are all parts of God, of the human tree so to speak and messages travel up and down the branches that bring people together for various purposes.

I'll never forget the one time I really wanted to know if someone was "watching" over me and a few days later I found a park bench with a handwritten sign that says "someone is watching you" taped onto it. That was a human being who wrote on that paper, brought tape, and found that particular park bench to attach it on so that I would come across it. This individual likely had no idea how much it meant to me and may not even be aware of why he/she decided to create such an odd sign in the first place.

I say all this because... I am struggling with faith at this time. God let me down when I prematurely thanked him for having 200K in my investment account only to not sell it like planned the next day and the day after that. I gave him a lot of "loosh" before the goal was completed. I should've saved my gratitude.

And... knowing all this, this recipe for communication with the divine, well... I don't know how I can generate that intense energy of faith like I used to. Living in the situation that I am in with all these noise and distractions and not having money and feeling stuck inside of a trap... I don't know how I can generate the needed "loosh" to reach any kind of God. Real or imaginary.

I don't think I can even reach a demon's attention at this point. I feel so empty and unemotional that I not only am financially bankrupt but it feels like I'm spiritually bankrupt as well.

There's no peace or privacy to be had in this place. Living with my mother. I feel so drained that I just want to ignore everything.

I used to get my energy up through silence. Through listening to music. Through excelling at a video game or reading a good book or going for a private walk. Taking a silent bath.

I can't listen to music much anymore. I don't care for any of those other things as much any more either.

I know in my heart and soul I badly want and appreciate those moments but I can't seem to have them here. I can't enjoy things like I used to.

Just getting up in the morning and being able to make my own coffee and breakfast in peace and silence, choosing exactly what I want to eat and using utensils I've cleaned myself and being responsible for every step is not possible with where I am. Dirty dishes, food I didn't buy or want, sometimes I get food shoved at me despite my not wanting any, not having any choice or responsibility in my diet because I can't afford what I crave to eat. It goes on and on, and that's just breakfast. 

And for the rest of the day I can't do much other than be on my phone. 

Going for a walk in this city isn't like it was where I used to live in Fort Sask. The energies are so different between both places. One feeds and nourishes while the other sucks and takes away.

And its winter, so its cold and often dark when I decide to go out.

But I still try and find time to pray or send those messages out. I realize they are coming from a desperate and tired place in my soul. There's not much else I can do. I'm inside of multiple prisons living with a warden who... seems to enjoy having me stuck here with them and unable to recognize how much pain this lack of independence is causing me.

A woman who enjoys my dependency. Someone who was happy and asked for a hug when I announced I was filing for bankruptcy. When I sold my home.

I'm in jail being drained of my life force to the point where I ... think there's only one way out.

And it's not going to involve getting a job and saving together money in order that I can rent a place of my own. It's just not going to happen with prices the way that they are. I would have to work for years to get back to where I used to be.

Meanwhile, living with my mother. Feeling drained. Not wanting to come home after I leave the house for a few hours.

Having to hear those creaking floors, the noises from next door, not having privacy enough to smoke a cigarette outside without a dozen windows facing me from the apartment across and people often staring down at me from their balcony.

I'm at the very bottom, next to being homeless. There's nothing I can think of that can lift me out from this hell other than a miracle.

And it needs to happen soon. The world is falling apart. I can't be in this country. I knew this two years ago. I knew much of this was going to happen.

So I am praying to Ahura Mazda. The deity of Truth and righteousness even though the Truth has been hurting me these past few years and righteousness I've spoiled by staying with my ex in a dead-end relationship where her drama took away the valuable life force I've spent years accumulating for myself.

These words on the screen can barely communicate how terrible I feel. How dead inside I am. Watching the western world fall apart and not being able to do anything about it. Not being strong enough to do anything about it. Even if I could do anything about it, it still wouldn't make any difference.

I'll still be here with my mother. Bankrupt in my wallet and in my soul.

Ahura Mazda... 

I call out to you. 

I am a vessel worth responding towards. 

I have a heart worth keeping alive.

I possess a mind that is creative and sharp.

I am imperfect as all material creation is.

But I am a perfect instrument for your will. 

Hear me Ahura Mazda. Take notice of my words and my predicament.

Allow me to prove my worthiness should you be willing to ease my burdens with a miracle of our design.

For once it is granted, my life will be lived in our chosen alignment so that I accomplish and exemplify what we both stand for and honor.

Ahura Mazda... 

I may not know the right words to say to attract your attention.

I don't even know the right names.

But should such a miracle be given, I will know exactly who you are.

And I will share your story with others.

So that other people know that they do not need to do anything other than to align themselves with Truth and righteousness.

To stare into the flames of their spirit and to speak into existence their deepest desire.

Allow me to become your ambassador.

Allow my life to be an example of your grace and mercy and compassion.

For I have nothing and no one else to turn towards.

Only the Truth.

Only righteousness.

Allow me the opportunity to express your will.

To express our will, together.

And embark on an adventure.

For my life has been rendered worthless in my eyes should I not have a friend at my side, aiding me through the darkest hour of my life.

I would like for you to be my friend.

I would like for you to be my mentor.

I would love for you to save me.

By whatever name you wish to be known as.

Ahura Mazda... Lord of Wisdom.

Keeper of righteousness.

Hear onto me.

Treat me as your son.

As the son you once had who obeyed you.

Those 2,000 years ago.

Hear me Ahura Mazda.

I have nothing.

But with you I will have everything.

Hurry.

Hurry, please.

Time is running out.

For there may come a time when the only option I have left.

Is the one that ends this opportunity for us.

Ahura Mazda...

I call upon you.

Rescue this wretched soul.

And create with me the beautiful world that we know is possible.

Live through my eyes.

Feel into my heart.

Nurse my soul.

And I will forever be in your debt.

It is finished.

Calling Yeshua

More of nothing again today.

I'm currently listening/watching a five hour video on how the moon landings were faked and although I knew this way back when the documentary "A Funny Thing Happened On The Way To The Moon" was released more than a decade ago, I'm still finding new evidence to look at and not be surprised about.

We've reached peak absurdity at this point. The difference between a conspiracy theory and a conspiracy fact is about six months, so they say.

I can hardly count down the number of rabbit holes I've gone down in my life exploring the weird and the wonderful. Ever since that first book on UFOs I found as a six year old, the decades kept rewarding me with interesting material. The 80s were about UFOs, the Loch Ness Monster, Bigfoot and Satanic "panic" where the 90s had the infamous alien autopsy film, shows about ghosts, discussion about psychic powers.

Then 9/11.. well, that one lasted for years. It still is a big thing. Whatever happened to building 7, right?

I still remember where I was that day. Working and hearing about how World War III was going to happen. I followed it all closely. Wondering why they immediately shipped off the steel beams to a junkyard and placed it under heavy security before sending it all away to China under the presidency of Bush.

I didn't understand why molten lava was reported as glowing at the base of the two towers for weeks after. I didn't understand where the plane was in the footage I saw of the Pentagon and I couldn't fathom what might have happened with the plane that crashed in a field in Pennsylvania apparently en route to the White House.

Didn't understand any of 9/11 until years later although I kept picking up all the red flags along the way it took the movie Loose Change to place them altogether in context for my mind to grasp.

In the years that followed, everything became suspicious but I still couldn't quite grasp how seriously awry the world really was. I didn't take George Bush in the 80s seriously talking about a "New World Order" and although Bush stole the election from Gore in 2000, I didn't realize elections were always rigged and that politicians who get up to that level of power are selected rather than elected.

I had no idea that every US President with the exception of Trump has ties to royal bloodlines, yes, even Obama is a cousin of Bush who in turn has a royal relation of which I cannot recall at the moment.

Obama's birth certificate was missing, another red flag. His campaign of "hope and change" was an absolute lie when he promised transparency and a reduction of government lobbying. Then we had the debacle with Julian Assange and Edward Snowden under his watch. 

It's all so ugly and that's just politics.

Aliens... Bigfoot, Loch Ness Monster, hidden technologies such as free energy and cancer cures, evidence of psychic powers, evidence of our history being scrubbed and misrepresented, strange tunnels found underground that opened up to entire cities built hundreds if not thousands of years ago, melted castles and fortresses that suggest a weapon was used, faked moon landings, the assassination of JFK being done by the CIA with the amazing magic bullet they tried to pass off, the Bilderberg group, the Carlye group, the Trilateral Commission, the Bank of International Settlements, the United Nations, the Bermuda triangle where rockets launched from Florida are sent, the Mandela effect, blood sacrifices, child sacrifices, transgender celebrities blending among us, "elite" families, Jews, the lies of the Catholic church, the list goes on and on and on.

It's all so much.

Money is fake. Politics is fake. The media is fake. Religions and governments are fake.

Everything is fake.

I never thought in my lifetime I would see the truth coming out like it has these past four, five years.

Part of me is glad that people are waking up. Some people, anyways. 

Another part is deeply saddened and disturbed by how little we truly know about this place. Is the world flat? Is the moon real? What caused the Great Flood? Who built the pyramids?

Is reincarnation real? Is Yahweh an alien? Is Jesus a character named after Zeus?

How much of our history is real? Where did the knowledge of building all of those beautiful cathedrals and palaces come from? How advanced was humanity thousands of years ago carving giant blocks and assembling them into pyramidal structures? Why? What was the point?

Are we the fallen angels? Has Christ already returned and reigned a thousand years? Is this a simulation? A dream?

Are we creators? Co-creators? Property?

Did the Annunaki create us? How can evolution explain the platypus? How does natural selection allow for a creature like a sloth to exist?

And the conspiracies of what happened in 2020... my mind is numb from how many things happened. That fake looking plane in Afghanistan when Biden pulled the troops out. Such fakeness. Looked like an inflatable balloon and a bunch of actors surrounding it. 

And of course the balloons that were allegedly to be in China that appeared last year in 2023. The Maui "wildfires" that melted cars and disintegrated homes but trees were left intact.

I've always known that the world is a mysterious place but when I stop to connect all of the dots together I'm amazed at how many pieces of the puzzle there are. Everything from religion to banking to education and corporations and politics have been lies stacked on top of lies.

Anyone with half a brain capable of critical thinking can see that.

It seems everything is unravelling at this point. Most people elected to take the vaccine and most people believe the media. Democratically, most people have chosen to believe in the electoral process and to trust doctors and politicians and priests for everything that is told to them.

If its on the "news" on television, there is a reason for it. Where are the 95% of other more important stories that aren't being covered? There are riots right now in Germany over the farmers having their operations shut down and farmers from places like Poland are there in support but nothing on the mainstream news. Just like it was with the Netherlands last year.

The Canadian trucker convoy is in the past and yet two years later four men are still jailed without bail for the most minor of offences. I heard one of them ran over a traffic cone and somehow that constituted public endangerment. 

It is obvious now that the world has always been outside of our control. We are the sheep being overrun by the wolves. Wolves that constitute less than 1% of the population but appears much larger because of the power they've consolidated which includes all the major branches of the government and media being in support of decisions that go against the best interests of the public.

It is painfully obvious how this planet or realm was never "free" and have been ruled by a tiny minority of extremely influential and powerful people. Many who choose to remain anonymous, and they have ruled over us for hundreds if not thousands of years.

You cannot plan for something like the Federal Reserve to happen by accident. The sinking of the Titanic with members of political influence who were in opposition to the Reserve conveniently were onboard and went to their deaths. 

Again, another day of nothing. Nothing but learning more about all of this even though I already have researched those subjects to death.

There's nothing much else I can do. I daydream about the past, wishing I would've sold those stocks and moved to Ecuador. Wishing I would've rented out my house. Wishing I didn't stay with my ex for as long as I did. Wishing I wasn't being manipulated by dark forces and not knowing that they existed or that I've caught their attention.

I wish I knew then what I know now. 

I loved who I was. I loved being in connection with my soul, the holy spirit, with nature and with my mind and heart.

I felt protected at times. Although not when I most needed it.

I was still lead to temptation and evil. Despite my prayers.

I guess I should've been more vigilant. More aware. More willing to forsake finding a loving relationship for myself and aware of how important it was to stay true to myself and share what I know with others.

To learn and to teach.

To grow my soul and to help the souls of others through these turbulent and confusing times.

I'd give anything for deliverance and a second chance.

Anything.

Anything but my soul. My life is meaningless without purpose. Without resources. Without options.

I await a blessing. A deliverance. A redemption.

A response.

There is goodness out there worth preserving and protecting.

And there are people out there who can really make a difference.

I would like to be a part of that change. To participate in the transition. 

I've been wanting it for most of my life. 

I...

Would like to receive a response. A sign. A blessing.

I don't deserve to be in this hell. Now that I know what I am up against and how I should move forward, I would like to put into action what I have learned.

But I can't do any of that being broke. Floundering and without purpose.

Relationships should be reciprocal. They should never flow one-way.

Forgiveness should be considered.

I have repented of my sins and would love the opportunity to demonstrate how far I've come.

I believe my arrogance is gone. 

But my soul is weary. It begs for restoration.

For deliverance.

I pray such a thing will soon come to pass.

So that I can get back into the fight.

And show that I am worthy of the kingdom.

I've known this was a spiritual war early in 2020.

I'd like to do my part.

With your help.

Yeshua... The son, the messiah, the redeemer, the savior... Enki...

Whatever you call yourself.

Hear onto me.

Nothing

Another day of nothing.

And I mean nothing. Waking up to pounding footsteps coming from next door which is now a regular occurrence, going downstairs to make coffee, sit on the couch and stare at my phone for hours on end.

Keeping up to date on all the crap going on in the world, knowing that I made preparations and completely failed in executing the final part of my plan.

I would've been out of this country in 2024. I wouldn't have to sit in my car alone in the dark across from Tim Hortons where the parking lot is nearly filled with Muslim immigrants all of which are dressed in new clothes and have shiny new vehicles.

My favourite podcaster, Jeff Berwick was in a restrained mood today too. He didn't look and sound all that happy in the video he put out. Talking about how the Jews are taking over everything, World War III starting and other news items that are demoralizing and insane.

And all I can do is sit there and listen and do nothing.

There's nothing I can do. Can't leave the country now.

And all I do is think about the money I would've had if things went as planned. How I would've visited Jeff at Anarchopulco in 2022. How I might have connected with him or the right people to figure out where I would've gone next. I was looking at Niacragua at the time but now I'm thinking Ecuador would've been the best idea.

Regardless, I would've had money to check out both places and make a decision.

All I do is think about the past. How different my life would have been if I set the alarm that morning and sold those stocks like I planned to. Instead, I placed faith in "God" and figured everything would turn out better than I expected.

What a mistake. Now look at where I am. Living in Edmonton, with my mother, constant noise, constant interruptions, demoralizing environment, rainbow flags staring at me from the back porch hanging off the apartment balcony and the window across from me. No privacy, no money, no hope for the future.

I don't know why I am... still here. My dreams have been shattered and now there's no place to go.

No options to pursue.

I am not getting a job in this city. I am not going to be homeless and on the street.

I'd rather die. What other option is there?

The worst part is how my mother is oblivious to all of this. She doesn't know how bad things really are. Not just personally but on a global level. All the news I'm reading that she doesn't see on Facebook or on CTV - the government propaganda outlet. 

She has no idea about finances and how the banks are on the verge of collapse. She wouldn't know what a central bank digital currency is or how it is planned to replace cash and the worrisome implications of that.

She is aware of inflation and immigration but has no idea how bad both really are. Particularly in the United States.

She observes the unusual weather but thinks nothing of it, despite reports about how drastically our magnetic field has been weakening over the past decade and that we may be due for a solar flare or a pole shift. There's nothing in her mind about any of those things.

And it makes it so much harder on me. Knowing all of this and not being able to share it. Even if I could, nobody around me would listen anyways. They didn't listen to me about the vaccination and they won't listen to me about anything else. None of our family members are seeing how serious our situation really is and are making preparations.

All I know is my aunt and uncle in Kelowna is likely going to be okay given how much money they have but still, they should be thinking about getting to Mexico or Central/South America.

At some point we are going to collapse. Record immigration numbers points to several frightening scenarios that are likely to play out. 

What is going to happen when all of that subsidized immigrant on our tax dollars is going to get the plug pulled and told there is no money left for them? Are they going to simply wander back to their countries again? How many will be able to afford those new cars, homes and whatever else the American and Canadian and Australian and European governments are giving them? 

When the tap dries up, I think it will be chaos. This is where the digital currency is likely to come in. It already is digital with debit and credit cards but how else can a collapse be managed without the introduction of price controls and spending restrictions if cash is still around?

Even if this scenario doesn't play out, when is inflation going to stop? It can't. Not unless interest rates skyrocket into the double-digits according to what prior history of economic instability has taught us.

No one will be able to afford to keep their homes or to buy new ones. Not at 18% interest rates.

No credit. 

No new jobs when so many layoffs are happening. So many tech companies letting people go and this irrational push towards "green" energy which means solar panels and components from China but no more American and Canadian gas or oil on the market. That's why they switched to paper bags and paper straws.

It is so obvious what is happening that I just want to scream at how helpless I am feeling right now knowing about all this. How I would have had the means to leave this place a year ago had I played my cards right.

But nobody cares how close I was to making it out. 

And now, I am totally and absolutely screwed. 

Even getting a job and working my way out of this will take years. Years living with my mother in this God forsaken place she impulsively bought with such an expensive condo fee that she wouldn't have had to pay if she would have listened to me and moved to Fort Saskatchewan into a much nicer and quiet place.

Whatever. I can't even get mad anymore.

But time keeps going by. Day after day. I wake up every day to another day of absolutely nothing.

No dreams to pursue. No reason to exist.

I would've loved to pursue entrepreneurship in a place like Ecuador, search out ideas and figure out how to bring value to the community. A community of like-minded folks from what I could tell after spending enough time researching Vilcabamba.

And I am unconsciously learning Spanish as I go. This part of my soul that knew years ago I would be heading somewhere where Spanish was the main language.

Had the apps on my phone ready to go. Had my suitcases packed. 

And it all fell apart.

This situation has caused such a deep spiritual crisis within my soul. Where is the God I was praying to every night? Who is God? What about Yeshua? Does praying even work? How can I have faith towards that which ignored me? I was praying nightly prior to what happened to me, asking for my debts to be paid and to find a way out of this impending catastrophe that I could see coming years in advance.

And, silence.

Silence was my answer.

I remember those two years ago when it didn't feel like I was alone. That something was watching over me. Something that I don't know the name or motivation of.

Whatever it was, I was connected to it.

And now I am completely alone. Discarded.

It was so magical those two years ago. Everyday I had something to do. Some purpose to realize. There wasn't any dull moments where I couldn't sit still alone with my thoughts and have ideas running through me on things to do.

Now, I suffer the displacement of my own thoughts because all I can really do in this place is shut the world out by listening to podcasts and watching videos.

I can't even sit on the couch silently without noise coming from next door or my mother coming in to say something that is so... shallow and superficial that it hurts me to hear it. 

Today she came down to past me on the couch maybe 5 times in less than an hour. 

Not her fault, its her place but I have no privacy. None.

Never should I have thought that this was a good idea to move in with her. I wish I could have imagined all this ahead of time and did my best to avoid it.

I can hardly look her in the eye now. 

Again, not her fault. It's all mine. 

Now I'm stuck with the consequences of my decisions.

Nobody to blame but myself... and that which I thought was giving me guidance and wisdom throughout the period where I was doing extremely well trading stocks and building up my finances enough to put together an exit plan.

Yesterday and today there were two videos posted about Enki, the Sumerian "God" that some have said is the snake in the Garden of Eden, the "good" God that warned Noah of the flood that his brother Enli (Lucifer) caused to happen.

And I've been wondering, even if its true that we are created by the Annunaki, does prayer and communion with Enki accomplish anything? What is above Enki?

Ahura Mazda?

Can prayer to anything work at this point?

I know I would have done so much good had I been successful with my plan. I would've retained my mental health. Would've been able to come up with ideas and strategies inside of a new environment to make it better. I've always been good at improving the space around me.

But here, I have no interest in improving anything. This home I'm in feels like a jail. I don't care to decorate this prison because that is exactly what it is.

Another day of nothing.

At some point I'm going to give up I think. Knowing what I know, it doesn't mean I've lost faith, it means I can't possibly move forward in my life living here and in the situation I am in.

No money. No job. Living in what feels like a foreign country which happens to be my birthplace.

I want no further part of any of this garbage happening.

I want to fight but I don't know how I can do it right now.

I planned to fight. Had everything I needed.

Now I have nothing. Nothing but whatever is left of my mind. Typing this words.

I can't help anyone like this.

I need help for myself.

I'm so tired.

Please make it stop.

Make it stop.