I don't mean to keep doing this but every day is exactly the same.
Stuck inside with my mother, sitting on the same couch, looking at my phone all day and this winter keeps dragging on with -20C temperatures.
Which doesn't matter anyways, even if it was +20C and I wanted to be outside I would have to endure all the noise from the neighbors across from me. People talking loudly on their balcony, others smoking weed and coughing loudly and their eyes staring down at me the entire time.
There's nothing left for me here in this city. This country. I keep thinking about Ecuador, the things I would be able to see and do. The people I would meet. Business ideas I could implement.
Yesterday I thought a lot about what would happen if I had money enough to be there right now. I realized that I have a lot of skills to offer a community like Vilcabamba. I couldn't sleep last night and stayed up until 7am laying in bed thinking about what sort of business I would have.
It would be called "Raizok's Digital and Wellness Services" and I could offer all sorts of ways that would benefit people.
Computer diagnostic and repair issues (PC). Linux installation and tutoring. PC privacy optimization. I could sell USB sticks with different types of media on it such as books on survival, non-fiction novels, religion & spirituality, conspiracies, movies and videos. I thought of at least 6 different USB sticks I could make and how much they would cost ($20 USD + 50% off if stick or drive is provided).
I could offer Reiki, peer support/counselling, teach a class on using crypto currencies, teach an advanced class on how to properly protect and store crypto including Monero, hot/cold/paper wallets, VPNs, etc.
Homesitting and wellness checks.
I would have all these multiple services and products available and in the meantime I could scour for other opportunities to add value to the community. I could even sell crypto to people. Promote it enough throughout that expat farmers and homesteaders may consider using crypto and privacy coins.
I really thought about a lot of details. So many opportunities in a place like Vilcabamba. Not like it is here. Even a crypto ATM would probably do well.
And here I am, broke, stuck here with my mother and our cat. Day in and day out, no change, no reason for existing. No dreams to actively pursue.
All I have is that one hope. Yesterday I prayed as hard and as honestly as I could for the opportunity to be able to live in Ecuador. Anyplace but Canada. No more cold, no more snow.
And I love a rainy night that is warm where one could stand outside in a tshirt and let the water soak you to the skin.
I love the idea that there is no daylight savings time and that the sun rises and sets each day on a regular schedule. What a relief that would be on one's biorhythm that is distorted by dark winter nights where the sun isn't out long enough.
Just really tired of all this. I know I can't make it through another winter living this way. I just can't.
I won't.
And as I look at the western world falling apart around me, I just... want to be somewhere where I can cultivate the deep connection to God I once had. Before everything went sideways. A place where water is fluoride-free, where food is not genetically modified, where prices are still reasonable and the air is clean.
A place where sloths exists. The ocean hours away. Psychedelic mushrooms and cactuses growing in the wild. A community of freedom-minded truth-seekers who have renounced the pace and commitments of the western world.
I want to see weird looking insects and plants. Get immersed in the culture. Learn Spanish.
And I came so close to having it all. Just that one day if I had sold those stocks when I knew I was going to but for some reason didn't.
Although I didn't know at the time where the heck I would go. I thought about Nicaragua but... had I sold those stocks and paid off my debts, I would've travelled to Mexico and met Jeff Berwick at Anarchapulco. Maybe the idea of Ecuador would've came to my attention around then.
Lord knows I've only wanted the best for myself. To put myself into a good financial position because I didn't want to live and work in a country like this. Having to be vaccinated, competing for work with all the immigration Canada is letting in, not enjoying my old career and being at the mercy of deranged politicians that are causing inflation and all kinds of crazy policies to enter our everyday life.
More taxes. 15 minute cities. Unaffordable housing. Crime and homelessness increasing.
And for what? To be able to live in a country that only has two seasons? Summer and winter? Being stuck inside for almost half the year and needing to drive around in the dark on icy roads?
In a culture that values materialism? Get rich or die trying? A country that cares more about subsidizing immigrants than taking care of their own people?
I know why the immigration is happening. I know why there are so few white people in commercials these days. I know about the DEI policies. I know about the racism against white people when it comes to applying for jobs and I certainly have seen the job postings that specifically only want to hire "minorities" or "persons of color" than to care about how qualified one is.
Why do I want to live in a place like this? Why would anyone?
The Canada I knew from 20 years ago is dead. It's gone. There is nothing worth staying here for.
Not even family.
Family that didn't care about family, anyways. We aren't celebrating birthdays or visiting each other's houses like we used to. Going out for dinner together. Staying close-knit.
Everything has been destroyed. If my mother was to die tomorrow, I literally have no family left.
Other than my aunt and uncle in Kelowna who are the only two left that I feel comfortable enough sharing my concerns with. Everyone else seems blind and oblivious. Got the jab, thinks everything is hunky dory. Life goes on as normal for them. Must be nice.
I've run my course. I can't go another winter like this and I refuse to get a job in this city or this country. There is no point to becoming a wage slave of a communist state. I refuse to chase a dangled carrot in front of me and struggle to put a roof over my head and food on the table and gas in my vehicle because all of our prices have been intentionally inflated to make us more reliant upon a crumbling system.
It used to be that having free health care was a good benefit to being a Canadian citizen. Now you have to wait 8 hours just to be seen unless you have a bullet wound in your head in which case, it might take an hour at most.
Ridiculous.
I love nature but I can't enjoy it for most of the year. Rundle park had 100s of East Indians swarming the place on Canada day blasting Bollywood music. Jasper is overrun with Chinese and immigrant tourists. I had a hard time spotting any white people at Elk Island National Park the last time I went.
Not that I think its the immigrants fault, its not. It's our corrupted government who let them in that is at fault. Bringing in hundreds of thousands each year with no qualifications and propping them up with free money, our money, while legacy Canadians are shivering outside in the cold homeless and unable to pull themselves out of the troubles they are in.
My mother still has an outdated view on homelessness. She thinks they're all drunks and drug addicts. I got a bit upset at that because maybe this was the case 20 years but it isn't now. I talk to the homeless, I know none of them are on drugs or even have money enough to become an alcoholic. However, those that do become drug/alcohol addicts often do so because it is the only way to numb the pain that they feel. It's the worst kind of negative feedback loop there is.
Not like a job is going to magically pop up for them and suddenly they can afford to rent a one bedroom apartment with bad or no credit. A minimum wage job just isn't enough to provide the basic necessities of life for anyone in this country.
Even buying a used car is prohibitedly expensive. 10 grand for a clunker with 250,000km on it?
We're done as a country. We're heading towards a communist socialist dystopia where we will be given universal basic income in exchange for not being able to privately own property and as long as we comply with government directives. Including vaccinations, which will soon legally can be forced upon people as per the WHO treaty that is in the process of being finalized.
Few people know about New York where a similar policy has already been implemented. They can literally take your children away from you, not disclose their whereabouts, inject them with any kind of substance regardless of its efficacy all on a simple declaration that they are a public health risk.
I pray each day but my heart and spirit is weary. Where is God when I need him most? Why do so many of my posts have that... same story of praying for something that I need and want? That never get answered?
When has something good ever came from prayer for me?
Only maybe one time. When I found that sign on the bench where it said that someone was watching me. That is it as far as I can recall.
Never did get the right type of lady to be with me.
Couldn't figure out my life's purpose other than to write for a living which I couldn't do anyways because nobody reads books anymore.
Soon artificial intelligence will write our books and even design our movies and video games for us based on our preferences.
"Hey ChatGPT, make me a 30 minute short-film set in the year 2072 where Earth is over-taken by aliens and the remnants of humanity takes a last stand against them. Cast me as the main character and include a 26 year old Angelina Jolie love-interest in the plot."
Because that is coming.
Humanity is going to die. The spirit of humanity, I mean. Our hearts, our creativity... we can't develop those qualities in such a social system where men can compete against women in sports and ugly women are winning Miss Universe beauty pageants.
I know this is a demoralization campaign but when will it stop? Where is the end? When Trump gets in? When the pendulum swings to the hard-right and mass deportations happen? It's all part of the plan anyways. Just a different flavor of tyranny and oppression.
This is a spiritual battle. Man vs machine and... I am naked on the battlefield without any armor or weapons to fight with.
I need to be in Ecuador. I need to renew my spirit. To cultivate the light that I know has always been with me. To be a candle onto others. To tell them my story and how God brought me back from the abyss to give me a second chance.
I now know what it is I must do. Where to be.
I must leave this place. Either by plane or inside of a casket.
I can't do another winter like this. I refuse.
I refuse to struggle. Pay taxes. Be like everyone else pretending that this life is normal, it is anything but normal.
I want to be on the frontlines of this spiritual battle. I want to endure onto the end. I want to see this all play out safely by being in a warm beautiful location and having financial security enough to take a deep breath and rejuvenate my soul.
I understand now what I most want to do. I don't care about money, I care about the options money gives me. To pack up and leave, get on a flight, see the people I need to see, go to the places I need to go to.
I miss that freedom. Now I have a clunker of a car with an engine light that is constantly on which drives like a tank. I can't even buy gas without asking my mother for money.
I know she loves this. On this deep dark level she loves what I am going through. This is why she smiled and wanted to hug me when I announced bankruptcy. This is why she was excited when I had to sell my house. This is why she seems to be happier having me with her than it was when I was in my own place.
It's so messed up.
I fantasize a lot about that fork in the road I missed taking. Still have my own place, would've been able to host Karlee here, would've been able to drive to the Yukon and explore it with her, would've been able to rent this place out so I could qualify for temporary residency in Ecuador by proving monthly income.
Now I can't.
Don't even have my passports anymore.
And I think about that too. What was it that came to possess me in those days to take both of my passports with me on a road trip when I didn't even need them? And then have them either lost or stolen? How did the police recover my missing wallet when I last had it inside of a hotel room unless that kid I saw running out from the room had stolen it?
I was targeted. Somehow I was being watched. I've tested this multiple times and it seems true.
I don't know how I aroused their suspicions. Did my best to keep a low profile. The only thing I can think of is that in those times I could really feel myself open up spiritually. I felt very connected and sure of what to do. I don't think the system wants people like me in it. Disruptive, unpredictable, awake to what is going on and taking steps to leave to go someplace else.
Everything is electromagnetic. Everything is energy. I believe the energy that drew attention to me is the same energy that my ex Fola was drawn towards. I attracted these dark entities. They could see the peace and contentment I had gathered within myself and the trajectory my level of spiritual development was taking.
Maybe it was that. Maybe those energies I gave off set off an alarm someplace.
Or maybe I foolishly gave into fear and paranoia rather than to stand firm and assert my sovereignty.
I am aware of those that wanted to keep me held back. They include members of my own family.
People that just do not like me. Despite being of my blood.
No matter how kind and caring I am about them. My intentions seem to often get misread and misunderstood.
I just want to bring out the best in people. I love sharing knowledge with them. Hearing about their lives. Suggesting movies and music they would like. Places to visit. Things to cook. Ideas about how they can improve their surroundings and become happier with themselves.
I know my ego was attached to those desires, it no longer is. I don't care about getting credit or congratulations for anything I suggest and do for others.
I just want to do these things.
It's in my nature.
But, I first need to help myself and I don't know how.
Getting a job in this city is out of the question. Don't have money enough to travel to Ecuador and don't have a monthly income that qualifies me to enter the country.
Remote work? Doing what though? So much garbage is posted in job banks that I don't think I'd even get a decent job working remotely. That's the dream of a lot of people and I don't have credentials or education necessary enough to qualify for something that pays a living wage.
And I don't want to be a wage slave either. I'm done with it. 20+ years of busting my hump working outside in all kinds of bad weather and dirty/unhealthy/noisy conditions. I'll never forget the men in their 70s and 80s who I would sometimes work with on these physically demanding jobs. Being away from home and working those long 11 day shifts or 24s like we used to.
Only for some of them to die alone in a work camp by Fort McMurray.
That's not living.
Being a slave to the system.
I'm done with it. DONE.
Pray to God that assistance is forthcoming because I see no other way.
Perhaps I've learned all that I needed in this life. That most of humanity are asleep. That we exist in what looks like a prison or a farm.
And that we don't belong here.
But maybe... just maybe... I am here to fight against this. To stand and to help others to do so.
But I need to be with my community to do that. Not this city where everyone is "woke", materialistic and haven't a clue what the government is doing or where this is all headed.
I need to be with my tribe. I cannot do this alone.
God, I call out to you once more.
Heavenly Father, Cosmic Creator, Supreme Intelligence, Maker and Master of the Universes,
Holy Mother, Spirit, Soul and Spark,
Yeshua the son, the Christ, the Messiah, the Savior, the Redeemer.
Welcome to my prayer.
I pray once more for a path out of this situation. I confess to you that I only know of one way forward and that I am asking this as my lone request. My only wish.
I am worthy and I am deserving. Allow me to prove myself.
All those years of prayer... It is time for you to do something. To reciprocate.
I believe I have learned my lessons. There is darkness in this world. Money is powerful and should not be taken for granted like I once did. It is the means of survival, for change, for options in this world.
It is not meant for extravagances.
I believe those lessons, if that is what they are, will suit me well to carrying out the divine will.
To honor Truth, beauty, compassion, prosperity, justice and freedom.
To exemplify those qualities and share them with those around me who wish to embody the same.
God, Jesus, Azura Mazda... Goddess Sophia...
I call out to you.
These words will find their way to your ears.
I respectfully ask for this last request to be granted.
My only wish.
The only thing that seems to be able to save me.
Winning a lotto-649 jackpot in the millions of dollars.
Even a million would be good enough.
But with millions I can achieve much more.
In Vilcabamba I will set up and prepare a resistance. A consortium. I will strengthen the community that is there. I will give strength and shelter to those that are in need.
I am equipped for this work. I am excited to get started.
HEAR ME.
My life is no longer my own.
Should this request be granted, it will be yours.
Grant me the chance to make you proud. To make the positive changes I know I can accomplish.
Harbor me with those of like mind.
Deepen my pockets with wealth so that I may liberate myself.
And assist in the liberation of others.
To develop a proper society that reflects the highest of values.
I badly want to be a part of this.
Do not let my life be in vain.
For my mistakes have been acknowledged.
I will do my best not to repeat them.
I haven't asked for much in life.
And I've never asked for money.
But I am now asking for this.
A winning lottery jackpot ticket.
And I promise us all an adventure we will never forget.
I am worth investing in.
Consider me.
Amen.
And thank you.
Come create with me the more beautiful world our hearts know is possible.
I will not let you down.
Gracias mi hermano.
Gracias mi dios.
I await your response.
