It looks like the world is waking up. All the "conspiracies" are being seriously discussed on major platforms now with a few that are somewhat suppressed when it goes hard against the prevailing narrative (ie. war in israel).
I see evidence of it everyday online but not in my immediate life. I guess I can't because about the only person I communicate with is my mother, who absolutely is fast asleep on everything and doesn't care to learn about the reality we inhabit.
For the past few days I explored Zoroastrianism a bit more fully thanks to Jason Reza Jorjani who had a lot of interesting things to say about it. It's among the world's oldest religions and bears a lot of similarities to ancient Sumerian religion where two opposing forces (Enki/Enli) are at war with one another while the main God (Anu or Ahura Mazda) reigns supreme above all.
I've been praying and calling out to Ahura Mazda lately. My soul is weary and can't summon much faith or devotion but the attempt was made. I don't know if anything is going to happen. Not like any of my past prayers came true.
When I think about it logically, I realize that prayer is directing energy somewhere. Whether or not it is received by the right recipient and whether or not it can be fulfilled by this entity are two good questions.
In my experience, the one thing that did work for me was doing a blood/magic ritual when I was around 19 and wanting a girlfriend. It took only four days for that to come true.
I haven't done it since.
But the fact that it worked also raises further questions.
What does it really mean? Why do secret societies have all these rituals and blood and sex involved? It must work for them. But who or what is fulfilling the requests?
In some of those ceremonies, it is alleged that demons appear and can be interacted with. If demons can grant requests (ie. selling your soul for fame and fortune) then what does that say about the nature of our reality? Why does THAT work and fervent/sincere prayer doesn't seem nearly as effective?
My theory on this has to do with a concept in the NDE community called "loosh" which is emotional energy generated that is allegedly considered to be valuable by such entities. Whether it is violence, fear, despair, sex, pain - loosh is generated and acts like a radiation leaving the body. Where it goes to and how it is contained/used, I am not sure.
But in respect towards prayer, it seems that directing your energies to where it has the best chance of being accepted and your request acted upon seems to depend on how intense that energy actually is. If you send fearful desperate energies to "God" then it will likely not respond because the "loosh" being sent isn't to its taste.
But if you send those fearful, negative energies towards something demonic, it will notice and respond because those frequencies are to its liking.
It now becomes obvious that we are electromagnetic beings and that there are entities we cannot see because they exist outside of our perception who do crave "loosh" and will do certain things for it. Good and bad.
This theory puts a lot of things into perspective for me. I could create my own "God" and fervently put faith and trust into it and it will respond. Whether it is a magical slipper that I think holds a God consciousness or an invisible ball of light floating somewhere over the Pacific ocean, my fantasy is unimportant as long as my beliefs in it are sincere.
And this creates a puzzle for me because I have a hard time settling on the definition of what God is supposed to be and represent and is capable of.
In Zoroastrianism, Ahura Mazda is translated roughly to "Lord" (Ahura) of Wisdom (Mazda) who is the supreme force of good and righteousness and Truth.
That is what I want to be aligned with. Goodness, righteousness and Truth. Ahura Mazda also does not demand worship and rather considers a relationship with him as one would with a friend. A co-creating force that works in conjunction with the divine spirit and God that already exists within us.
I like that concept. I also like that Ahura Mazda is glorified through the use of fire, as adherents of the faith would commonly pray to a candle or a flaming altar. I don't know why I find that compelling other than my lifelong appreciation of sitting by a camp fire and having candles lit in my home.
What I do wonder though is that regardless of the deities being prayed towards, exactly how much power do they really have? Do they act as proxies or do they change reality itself to suit their whims?
Because it makes a bit more sense that they would act as proxies and will work through other human beings in order to bring about whatever it is that you desire. All things we would want in this world involve human beings, after all. Even if one prays for a pallet of hundred dollar bills to land on their doorstep, a human being would have to put it together and place it there. It won't fall out from the sky.
If however a deity can change reality itself by it's own willpower, that would raise further questions about why our world is the way it is. Why so much evil? Such darkness? Wouldn't such a powerful deity design a civilization that is better than this? Also, does this deity even care by what names it is called? Allah, Yahweh, God, Ahura Mazda?
They say that names contain power and whenever someone calls my name, I surely turn around and direct my attention to them. But...
It just makes a bit more sense that "God" would work through proxies and that means it has to persuade each individual to act a certain way so that some other individual however far removed they are, will stand to benefit in the way they requested. If I wanted to become rich through starting a business, it'll mean that my customers will need to be interested in dealing with me and my product. They will have to find me somehow, see the value I provide and invest/give their money towards it.
Whatever we want in this world usually involves other people throughout the process. Including information on weight loss, exercise and healing ourselves. Sometimes the right information is held behind a particular door that other people point us towards. Information discovered and presented by other people.
So... All that being said, it seems more like we are all parts of God, of the human tree so to speak and messages travel up and down the branches that bring people together for various purposes.
I'll never forget the one time I really wanted to know if someone was "watching" over me and a few days later I found a park bench with a handwritten sign that says "someone is watching you" taped onto it. That was a human being who wrote on that paper, brought tape, and found that particular park bench to attach it on so that I would come across it. This individual likely had no idea how much it meant to me and may not even be aware of why he/she decided to create such an odd sign in the first place.
I say all this because... I am struggling with faith at this time. God let me down when I prematurely thanked him for having 200K in my investment account only to not sell it like planned the next day and the day after that. I gave him a lot of "loosh" before the goal was completed. I should've saved my gratitude.
And... knowing all this, this recipe for communication with the divine, well... I don't know how I can generate that intense energy of faith like I used to. Living in the situation that I am in with all these noise and distractions and not having money and feeling stuck inside of a trap... I don't know how I can generate the needed "loosh" to reach any kind of God. Real or imaginary.
I don't think I can even reach a demon's attention at this point. I feel so empty and unemotional that I not only am financially bankrupt but it feels like I'm spiritually bankrupt as well.
There's no peace or privacy to be had in this place. Living with my mother. I feel so drained that I just want to ignore everything.
I used to get my energy up through silence. Through listening to music. Through excelling at a video game or reading a good book or going for a private walk. Taking a silent bath.
I can't listen to music much anymore. I don't care for any of those other things as much any more either.
I know in my heart and soul I badly want and appreciate those moments but I can't seem to have them here. I can't enjoy things like I used to.
Just getting up in the morning and being able to make my own coffee and breakfast in peace and silence, choosing exactly what I want to eat and using utensils I've cleaned myself and being responsible for every step is not possible with where I am. Dirty dishes, food I didn't buy or want, sometimes I get food shoved at me despite my not wanting any, not having any choice or responsibility in my diet because I can't afford what I crave to eat. It goes on and on, and that's just breakfast.
And for the rest of the day I can't do much other than be on my phone.
Going for a walk in this city isn't like it was where I used to live in Fort Sask. The energies are so different between both places. One feeds and nourishes while the other sucks and takes away.
And its winter, so its cold and often dark when I decide to go out.
But I still try and find time to pray or send those messages out. I realize they are coming from a desperate and tired place in my soul. There's not much else I can do. I'm inside of multiple prisons living with a warden who... seems to enjoy having me stuck here with them and unable to recognize how much pain this lack of independence is causing me.
A woman who enjoys my dependency. Someone who was happy and asked for a hug when I announced I was filing for bankruptcy. When I sold my home.
I'm in jail being drained of my life force to the point where I ... think there's only one way out.
And it's not going to involve getting a job and saving together money in order that I can rent a place of my own. It's just not going to happen with prices the way that they are. I would have to work for years to get back to where I used to be.
Meanwhile, living with my mother. Feeling drained. Not wanting to come home after I leave the house for a few hours.
Having to hear those creaking floors, the noises from next door, not having privacy enough to smoke a cigarette outside without a dozen windows facing me from the apartment across and people often staring down at me from their balcony.
I'm at the very bottom, next to being homeless. There's nothing I can think of that can lift me out from this hell other than a miracle.
And it needs to happen soon. The world is falling apart. I can't be in this country. I knew this two years ago. I knew much of this was going to happen.
So I am praying to Ahura Mazda. The deity of Truth and righteousness even though the Truth has been hurting me these past few years and righteousness I've spoiled by staying with my ex in a dead-end relationship where her drama took away the valuable life force I've spent years accumulating for myself.
These words on the screen can barely communicate how terrible I feel. How dead inside I am. Watching the western world fall apart and not being able to do anything about it. Not being strong enough to do anything about it. Even if I could do anything about it, it still wouldn't make any difference.
I'll still be here with my mother. Bankrupt in my wallet and in my soul.
Ahura Mazda...
I call out to you.
I am a vessel worth responding towards.
I have a heart worth keeping alive.
I possess a mind that is creative and sharp.
I am imperfect as all material creation is.
But I am a perfect instrument for your will.
Hear me Ahura Mazda. Take notice of my words and my predicament.
Allow me to prove my worthiness should you be willing to ease my burdens with a miracle of our design.
For once it is granted, my life will be lived in our chosen alignment so that I accomplish and exemplify what we both stand for and honor.
Ahura Mazda...
I may not know the right words to say to attract your attention.
I don't even know the right names.
But should such a miracle be given, I will know exactly who you are.
And I will share your story with others.
So that other people know that they do not need to do anything other than to align themselves with Truth and righteousness.
To stare into the flames of their spirit and to speak into existence their deepest desire.
Allow me to become your ambassador.
Allow my life to be an example of your grace and mercy and compassion.
For I have nothing and no one else to turn towards.
Only the Truth.
Only righteousness.
Allow me the opportunity to express your will.
To express our will, together.
And embark on an adventure.
For my life has been rendered worthless in my eyes should I not have a friend at my side, aiding me through the darkest hour of my life.
I would like for you to be my friend.
I would like for you to be my mentor.
I would love for you to save me.
By whatever name you wish to be known as.
Ahura Mazda... Lord of Wisdom.
Keeper of righteousness.
Hear onto me.
Treat me as your son.
As the son you once had who obeyed you.
Those 2,000 years ago.
Hear me Ahura Mazda.
I have nothing.
But with you I will have everything.
Hurry.
Hurry, please.
Time is running out.
For there may come a time when the only option I have left.
Is the one that ends this opportunity for us.
Ahura Mazda...
I call upon you.
Rescue this wretched soul.
And create with me the beautiful world that we know is possible.
Live through my eyes.
Feel into my heart.
Nurse my soul.
And I will forever be in your debt.
It is finished.
