Staying in my room is a bit better, except for the occasional loud exaggerated yawn my mother often makes along with clearing her throat.
Getting outside of the house and sitting in the car in -20C in a dark park still isn't private. Cars with headlights shine into me as they random drive around. I still get people parking right next to my vehicle despite there being dozens of other parking spots to choose from.
Sitting across from Tim Hortons using their wifi and watching the homeless keep themselves warm has already broken and numbed my heart.
Dark gloomy skies. Can't walk around. Can't get exposure to the sun because I stay up late each night so I can get the most amount of peace and quiet.
No wonder I keep staring at my phone through all this. Just want to drown all the sounds out. Drown the environment. Ignore the reality that I'm in.
And it's not getting me anywhere. The next day is the same. Same issues. No peace, no privacy, no autonomy, no nothing.
At the park I prayed again and it was hard to summon anything heartfelt. I mean, I did feel a choking sob that wanted to escape my throat but it passed about as quickly as it started. I asked God when I would ever get a prayer granted because I only really remember one thing I've prayed for that I've received in my life.
I thought about how it was when I wanted my first girlfriend. I didn't even really pray, I created and performed a ritual that I did each day for four days until it happened. It involved carving the word "love" into my arm and... while I received a girlfriend, I certainly didn't experience any love with her.
So what's the point of all this? Tomorrow is going to be like today. I'm not living to my fullest potential. I can't chase my dreams. I'm not able to find time enough for myself to sit and really think and feel and let the divine energies pass through.
One of the things I most liked in my old place was being able to take a bath in the dark. Just have some music playing, sometimes a candle, bath salts and just lay back and be alone with my thoughts. Set my imagination free without interruptions.
Even if I could do that here and I can, it's the only bathroom upstairs. I have to ask "permission" from my mother to take an hour long bath and even then its just not the same. The energies are all wrong. Water isn't hot enough to stay in there for an hour. No incense, no salts and I don't want my mother to be knowing that I'm there in the dark sitting in a tub. It just feels weird.
Constantly searching my phone for the latest dopamine hit and there does come a few times when there's really nothing there for me. I don't have a good video or podcast to listen to. I don't learn anything or add to my skills. And when I play backgammon on the hardest level, I'm winning most of the time so there's no challenge there either and that gets old after awhile too.
It's all pointless. I know where I must be, what to do and I'm so far away from realizing any of it.
As I said in earlier posts, I'm inside the prison of my body, my mind, in this prison of a townhouse, in this cell called Edmonton placed inside of a communist country named Canada that I desperately want to leave and never see again,
Why do people choose to live in an environment where they could physically die from cold exposure for at least four months out of the year?
Why do people choose to live in a place that is losing it's cultural identity, that has little to offer outside of hockey, Tim Hortons and "free" health care?
We used to be proud to call ourselves Canadian. It meant something 20 years ago. Canadians were a nicer version of Americans. Polite, cordial, in touch with themselves.
Now with all this immigration, I see a Muslim identity emerging. It has infiltrated even the local pizza place as they now offer curry on pizza and paneer.
Again, I don't blame the people, I blame the government that has subsidized them for coming here.
Same problems the Americans are having.
I have listened to enough podcasts and watched enough videos that I'm aware of every aspect of this agenda that is unfolding which I tried my best to escape from and failed.
And that makes it so hard to know that I was trying to escape a burning building but now I am trapped inside of it with the crazies who seem to think that nothing is wrong. Gosh, more taxes? More inflation? Rents going up? Censorship with life-term sentences for "hate" speech? Guess that's all normal! I'm going to vote Trudeau because he helped pay for everything I have now as I arrived from India. So much more than what we were getting there.
It breaks my heart.
And I'm at the point where it feels well and truly broken.
It doesn't seem to matter who I pray to or how. As I was sitting in my car earlier, I thought about taking a knife out and carving into my arm to see if that would get any attention from the "powers" that be.
And I thought against it. It may have worked once with my first girlfriend but I don't want anything demonic to come knocking on my door.
I just want to help people and help myself by getting out of here.
Be with people who are of like-mind and I know exactly where they are.
I want to be with my tribe. I want to be in an environment where I can sit outside any night and not have to shiver in the cold and shovel snow.
I want to be able to walk barefoot in the morning and sit in the grass as I watch the sun rise.
I want to make people smile like I used to. It was so easy to do so. Now I can only smile out of politeness.
It's not that I'm completely dead inside. I know it's dormant. I know its all suppressed. I loved who I am and I know that love can return once I'm out of this situation.
But God knows how can I ever get out of it.
And I don't want to see God as a magic genie who grants wishes. I don't want to bargain either but I do pray by telling Him exactly what I want to do should I receive his blessing.
I used to feel blessed, too. There was something around me that seemed to protect me from certain things.
But I was lead into temptation. I was not delivered from evil.
I tried multiple times to leave my ex. I knew she was wrong for me. I knew she was after whatever appealing energies I can around me when we met. I knew multiple times that she was jealous of it.
And each time she would somehow come back with a tail between her legs and I would give her another chance. I should've never extended all those chances to her. No wonder her Shaman teacher told me that I was "very forgiving" and made me think that it was a bad thing.
I guess a snake is a snake no matter how nice it is when it wants to be because most of the time it operates from its true nature. The mask inevitably slips.
Looking back at my life I realized that yes, I was too forgiving. I didn't hold myself in high enough esteem to be able to honestly say "this woman isn't right for me" and move on instead of going with those relationships. I just didn't want to hurt anyone's feelings. That's how I justified going out on those dates with women that I didn't find attractive or helped improve my life in anyway other than sex and companionship.
I wish I didn't learn the hard lessons like this. I wish those stocks would've been sold when I knew when I sell them. Wish I was pushed to selling them harder than I was back then but some switch in my mind got flipped and I held on against my better judgement.
Ultimately it's my fault. I know this.
And I've repented from these sins of mine which I suppose doesn't mean much at this point. I can't go out into the world and prove myself a changed man.
Yes, Karlee came here from Australia to see me and I couldn't say no despite knowing that a relationship between us is unlikely. I guess I didn't see the harm in having a fling. It might have been worse if we did fall for each other deeply after that and suffer the pain of separation and my not being able to afford to be able to go see or live with her.
It's all such a hot mess. This world is a reflection of my soul. Everything seems to be falling apart. I've listened to preppers talk about getting ready for over 3 years now for some big event soon to happen. Financial collapse, increased crime, quarantine camps over some new "virus" that will be released.
So much fear in the world right now. Had I done everything right, I wouldn't be paying attention to the news so much. I'd be in Ecuador learning about the plant life, meeting new people, picking up new skills. Exploring.
Going for walks on the trails. Joining a photography club and hanging out with wise old seniors from different regions around the world.
All I have now are those videos Abundant Living Ecuador has been putting out. Just showing me the dream of being there. Making me dream about the opportunities waiting to be realized.
But that's all its been so far. A dream. No different than dreaming to be with Karlee. No different than any other dream I've had in the past that didn't come true.
If I were to die tomorrow it would be something of a relief. I might worry about leaving my mother behind and Princess but... at least I wouldn't have to deal with this anymore. This sameness. This lack of soul growth and progression.
Every day is exactly the same.
I keep the faintest of hopes alive and its hard to do at times. Winning the lottery is something that would change my life and give me so many options. I'd first know that my prayers were answered, I'd know that there is a benevolent loving force out there, I'd know what my purpose is and that I can help my family while I make preparations to help a community that I have grown fond of hearing about in Ecuador.
I'd love to construct a movie theatre for that town. We'd have "truther Tuesdays" as a movie night where documentaries are aired. Saturday morning cartoons for the kids. All the best retro movies I've gathered and curated over the decades of my life. I don't think this theatre would show any new films. It'll be the classics. It'll be stuff that expands the mind and heart and gives fuel to imagination and inspiration.
Not the garbage we have out now. Superhero films. Leave The World Behind.
Haven't heard of a good movie in years. That's because Hollywood is dead and uninspired.
I'd like to fix that. A movie theatre in Vilcabamba is something that would bring people together. Expats and locals alike. I may even have MAME arcade machines in the lobby for the kids to enjoy playing. Popcorn, hot dogs, sweets. The theatre could even be used for local stage performers. Dancing, acting or giving lectures/speeches on.
I'd organize other things as I spot their need while there. Having a crypto bank might be a good idea. Buying up a large plot of land and constructing small simple homes on them to start an intentional community that is affordable to live on. Artists and homesteaders welcomed.
Perhaps organize a private security team to patrol vulnerable areas at night and charge a reasonable fee for. That would help in addressing the issue of crime in the area.
Organize a community pantry that is available to the homeless and those that are struggling.
So many possibilities. I know I have the creativity needed to come up with these ideas.
Just need the money.
Need my passport. Need residency. Need monthly income of 500$ USD.
And my mind keeps flashing back to the fork in the road that I didn't take. Knowing that I could've rented out my place and qualified for residency based on that.
It hurts thinking about what I could've done differently but it feels satisfying to do at times.
I would've loved see the street dogs in Vilcabamba. Picking fruit off the trees. Enjoying clean air, water and food.
But here I am, living with my mother in this... purgatory. Mocked by the foods in the basement that I had stocked up in my old place. Now having no appetite for any of them whatsoever.
All those teas I bought. Jumbo jars of peanut butter. A giant container of Nutella. Canned soups and spices and all kinds of stuff.
What a waste of time it all was. If I knew early on where I would want to live, I wouldn't have been so impulsive about buying everything that I did. I would've downsized and gave away things in preparation for my move. Not pile up a stash.
But the fear was real back then. There was so much chaos being reported in the news that it was hard to keep up with. It felt like any day that the banks would collapse and the country would be in free fall.
Now I feel like an idiot.
I loved my connection with the Creator. I felt... so satisfied being alone with my thoughts. Not having to look at my phone. Feeling like I had my finger on the pulse of what was going on.
I felt divinely guided at first. Bought the right stocks, the right cryptos and seemed to be making all the right moves.
Until it collapsed.
No one to blame but myself although I do wonder.
There are evil spirits out there. There are demons among us. Sometimes they enter and influence us in ways we don't expect or have prepared against.
If I could go back in time to 2020 I would. I'd relive that nightmare again with a clear path and goal for myself. It also would help to know when to buy/sell stocks and crypto at the bottom and tops but I digress.
I want to survive all this. At the same time, I can't survive like this.
I want to both die and live, if that makes any sense.
I want to live if I receive my blessing and die if I don't.
But how long can I hold out for?
When will the point of no return reveal itself?
I thought about... euthanasia again... I know it's... legal and there are two methods. One, is to die in a hospital which I don't want to do. The other, is to have a home-death and for that I think I would go for. I'm assuming it would have be pre-planned. I don't want to do it with my mother present. I would want to drive out to the middle of nowhere, sit under a tree and enjoy a full day and night all by myself.
And then as I get sleepy. I'd... say a prayer, express my thanks and prepare myself so that I will go with peace in my heart.
...
I can't believe this is even being considered.
But it is.
I just want out of here.
I'll do anything.
My life is no longer my own.
It belongs to God.
If He should want to use me.
I pray that he does.
It's all the hope I have left.
I don't know how much longer I can keep holding on for.
Help me Father.
Help me.
